Buzz Magazine: April 5, 2012

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VOL10 NO15

APRIL 5, 2012

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IN THIS ISSUE DR. WHO FOR DUMMIES

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A primer for beginners

BURGER BLISS

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Suggestions and commentary on the food staple

PIZZA FM

612 E Daniel • ( 217) 328-5000

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Why we need free form radio

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HIP-HOP CONGRESS

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Coming to Cowboy Monkey on Saturday

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CALENDAR

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Your guide to this week’s events in CU

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ON READBUZZ.COM MOVIES & TV: Coming soon: Want to know what you missed from the night before? Check out our TV recaps! Check out Kaitlin’s animation column. Readbuzz.com is your go to for Ebertfest coverage! Check out Syd’s Hidden Gems. Every Wednesday he highlights a different film.

FOOD & DRINK: Burger 101: see what a Food Sciences major has to say about the history and the integrity of a well-crafted burger.

© S I LV E R M I N E S U B S F R A N C H I S E I N C .

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2.10.12 3:23 PM

MUSIC: Come check out a new Selected Song and a new Playlist!

COMMUNITY: Wanna write an editorial for the new Community Editorial column? email buzz@illinimedia.com with an idea! You will see this hidden in places throughout the magazine!

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT:

Jeff has some new theater reviews online now. Check out what actors do on stage, live in action!

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EDITOR’S NOTE SAMANTHA BAKALL

Around this time of the year, my mind starts to drift elsewhere. Visions of sugar plum faeries dance in my head and spontaneous summer road trips infiltrate my mind.

At this point, I’m either feverishly trying to finish work until the end of the semester or I’m stressing out and not getting anything done. The last thing I want to think about is school, but I have no choice.

Then, all of a sudden, starting Sunday morning, everything just sort of fell into place and all of my stress evaporated.

Being in the journalism department, I always have stories to write. After a while, multi-thousand word stories and deadlines sort of meld together to become a huge, daunting homework monster in my head. It isn’t pretty. Once it becomes a full-fledged behemoth, I duck and cover until the last second to attempt to conquer it. I am rarely successful.

What was different about this weekend was, the 1,500 word story I had due Monday morning was finished around 2 p.m. Weird. The book I had to finish by early Monday afternoon, pretty much finished. Kooky. The essay I had to write — also finished! Magical. Whatever it was — streak of concentration or divine intervention — my stressless, relaxed week had begun.

Monday evening, I read a lot of first-person literature in preparation of yet another story, and went for a run (which is by no means a typical occurrence in my life). Tuesday I spent tanning on the deck in my backyard and applied to a few more summer internships. I have a huge story due Wednesday evening, but I’m not even worried. Nothing can hold me back.

The weather, constant sunshine and budding flowers wafting floral scents throughout my street are leading the way.

I’m hoping the rest of the week, nay, rest of the semester is equally as blissful and triumphant. There’s only a few more weeks left, and if I can ride this wave until the end, I’ll be golden. Going through life stressfree is a dream.

The best part about this wonderfully rapturous week is I’m still getting work done. Normally when I zone out like this, I’ve checked out and accepted my fate. Not here. I’m foraging ahead with renewed energy. Bring it on, April. I’ve got your number.

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HEADS

UP!

UNIVERSITY CORRUPTION

by Max Huppert

BUZZ STAFF

COVER DESIGN Will Ryan EDITOR IN CHIEF Samantha Bakall MANAGING EDITOR Nick Martin ART DIRECTOR Michael Zhang COPY CHIEF Drew Hatcher PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR Zach Dalzell IMAGE EDITOR Zach Dalzell PHOTOGRAPHERS Chrissy Ruiz DESIGNERS Will Ryan and Tyler Schmidt MUSIC EDITOR Evan Lyman FOOD & DRINK EDITOR Jasmine Lee MOVIES & TV EDITOR Joyce Famakinwa ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR Jessica Bourque COMMUNITY EDITOR Tom Thoren CU CALENDAR Bobbi Thomas COPY EDITORS Sarah Alo, Casey McCoy DISTRIBUTION Brandi and Steve Wills EDITORIAL ADVISER Marissa Monson PUBLISHER Lilyan J. Levant

TALK TO BUZZ

It’s not as if we aren’t used to a little bit of scandal here at the University of Illinois.

It was only in 2009 that news broke of the admissions fiasco that allegedly allowed students with political and University connections to be admitted over more qualified applicants who lacked those connections. In the aftermath, of course, President White resigned from his post, and many state officials were implicated in the dealings. Hell, this is Illinois, after all — home to such illustrious and dignified leaders as former governors George Ryan and Rod Blagojevich.

So it was disappointing, but not exactly shocking when waves of scandal began to form in January over e-mails sent by new President Michael Hogan’s chief of staff, Lisa Troyer. She resigned, and now Hogan has resigned as well, although the reasons for his resignation are more complicated. Either way, the University seems to have a good deal of difficulty holding onto its highest officials and establishing a reputation free from corruption and scandal. It’s hard to say what this means, but it’s certainly not the best possible sign for our school’s image moving into the future.

The way the school has handled this year’s failures in its athletics department is also interesting. Both coaches were fired, and replacements have been announced. But will it be enough to wipe clean the stains of a bad year and restore some glory to our beautiful University? I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

ON THE WEB www.readbuzz.com EMAIL buzz@readbuzz.com WRITE 512 E. Green St., Champaign, IL 61820 CALL 217.337.3801

We reserve the right to edit submissions. buzz will not publish a letter without the verbal consent of the writer prior to publication date. buzz Magazine is a student-run publication of Illini Media Company and does not necessarily represent, in whole or in part, the views of the University of Illinois administration, faculty or students. © ILLINI MEDIA COMPANY 2011

LIKES

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APRIL 5 - 11, 2012

GRIPES

JOYCE FAMAKINWA MOVIES AND TV EDITOR

LIKES

» RuPaul’s Drag Race: While shows like America’s Next Top Model have more than overstayed their welcome, RuPaul’s Drag Race just keeps getting better. Drag legend RuPaul serves as host and head judge of the reality show competition. The objective is to crown America’s next drag superstar based on a series of challenges. The best part about this show is that even though this is serious business for the contestants, the show never takes itself too seriously.

In the past, challenges have included things like “jocks in frocks,” where the contestants turn athletic men into drag queens. RuPaul is a fierce queen, and I am a loyal subject. » Blood Pressures: I love The Kills to an unhealthy degree. This album came out last April, and I’m still listening to it all the time. It has gotten to the point where songs (“The Last Goodbye,” “Pots and Pans”) that I didn’t pay attention to in the beginning have grown on me. I can’t even discuss this album in an eloquent way. It’s just so cool, and they are just so cool (see, I sound like I’m in middle school).

GRIPES » Not giving a shit about Mad Men: I agree. I should like it. It’s critically acclaimed; it’s a costume drama; it’s got plenty of dames and plenty of broads. Only problem is, I think Mad Men is the most boring show there is. First, it’s about Advertising — I hate advertising. I read No Logo! I bring it up every single chance I get! Next, even though it presents the golden age of post-industrialism in a negative light, I find it too depressing to be watchable. Yes, I am fully aware life sucked for women and minorities after World War II. Rigid identity norms... lasting effects of Jim Crow... I get it. The worst crime: the show is slower than a mother. I like terse drama. I like the slow burn of Breaking Bad; I enjoy the pacing of something finely constructed. But Mad Men goes nowhere. It follows history! Of course JFK gets shot! Why wouldn’t he? » Being a philistine: Boy, do I have terrible taste.

Sometimes, I think to myself, “Maybe if you weren’t such an idiot, you’d be able to understand high art like anthologized television dramas.” You big idiot, Nick Martin. What do you do? Listen to podcasts alone in your room with the lights off? Look at you.

Look at the food stuck in your beard, you pig. What is that, cookies? You fat slob babyman. Get up. Stop crying. Go home and make yourself a three-piece bread sandwich.

TYLER SCHMIDT DESIGNER

LIKE

» Nick Offerman: This glorious mustached man who just so happens to be an alum is here today! buzz

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MOVIES

LIFE’S A DRAG Week of Fri., April 6 through Thurs., April 12, 2012 Our Documentary Festival continues through April 10:

Bhutto (NR)

Fri: (5:00) PM | Sun: (4:30) PM

Being Elmo: A Puppeteer’s Journey (PG) Fri: 7:30 PM | Sat: (2:30) PM | Mon: 7:30 PM

Under the Boardwalk: The Monopoly Story (G) Live intro by John Meyer. | Sat: (12:00) Noon

Cave of Forgotten Dreams (G) 2D Presentation Sat: (5:00) PM | Sun: (12:00) Noon

Inni (NR) Sigur Ros Concert Film

Sat: 7:30 PM, 9:30 PM | Mon: 9:30 PM

My Reincarnation (NR)

Sun: (2:30) PM | Tue: 7:30 PM

Adventures in Plymptoons! (NR) Sun: 7:00 PM | Tue: 9:30 PM

Force of Nature (NR) FREE. About U of I dance professor Kirstie Simson, who will attend.

Sun: 9:00 PM

Kahaani (NR) Subtitled, from India. From a 35mm print.

Fri: 9:30 PM

April 11 and 12: Live appearances

by Crispin Glover.

Each night includes film, Crispin Hellion Glover’s Big Slide Show, and Q&A.

It Is Fine. Everything Is Fine! (NR) + Big Slide Show part 2

Wed, April 11 at 7:30 PM

What Is It? (NR) + Big Slide Show part 1 Thu, April 12 at 7:30 PM

All documentaries digitally presented.

126 W. Church St. Champaign

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Take the CUMTD Bus www.theCUart.com

A Closer Look at Seven Films that Feature Drag

by buzz Movies and TV Staff

O

ne could argue that drag has always been a part of performance. In Shakespeare’s time, male actors would play both male and female roles. If you look at a classic film like Some Like It Hot or a cult classic like Glen or Glenda, drag is a part of many films’ plots. Actors like Philip Seymour Hoffman, Jude Law and Patrick Swayze have all donned dresses onscreen.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) Tim Curry shall forever be remembered from his part in the 1975 cult classic as the sensual Dr. Frank-N-Furter. Just a sweet transvestite, from Transsexual Transylvania, Curry sings, dances and performs a multitude of pseudo-scientific experiments throughout the film, not skimping on any of the light-hearted raunchiness. Involving drag in the sense of entertainment and the wearing of corsets and makeup, Frank-N-Furter accentuates the look with the attitude of a sassy drag-queen. Not involving the most traditional type of drag, what makes Rocky Horror such a classic is its ace combination of science-fiction and musical numbers. Involving everything from laser-death to a giant pool orgy to a cabaret number, multiple watchings are necessary.

Besides, what other movie gives you a reason to go out at midnight to watch it, garbed in drag to pelvic thrust and throw rice at the screen with a theater full of others? Let’s do the time warp again!

Hairspray (1988) Way before the musical or Hollywood remake, John Waters wrote and directed this version starring “Drag Queen of the Century” Divine. Tracy Turnblad (Ricki Lake) dreams of being on The Corny Collins Show, a local dance show. She refuses to let her size hold her back and auditions for the show. She is cast and becomes one of the show’s most popular dancers. Even though Hairspray is a fun camp classic, it touches on the issue of racial segregation. The film is set in 1963, and Tracy makes it her goal to bring integration to The Corny Collins Show. Divine plays Tracy’s overprotective mother Edna, a role that would later be played by John Travolta.

Paris Is Burning (1990) Throwing shade, reading, and the art of serving “realness” are a few of the concepts that are introduced in Paris Is Burning. The film documents the New York City ball scene of the late ’80s. To put it simply, balls are extravagant drag competitions. Awards are handed out, and every ball is a chance to work the stage and become legendary. The film also features interviews with people like Willi Ninja, a choreographer whose dance style known as “voguing” inspired Madonna’s hit song “Vogue.” This film is more than just a history lesson. The film also examines topics like class, homophobia, racism and AIDS. Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) The ’90s comedy focuses on a dad, Daniel Hillard (Robin Williams), who is involved in a stressful and unstable marriage with his wife, Miranda.

After throwing a birthday party for his son with a subpar report card, Miranda grows tired of Hillard and decides to divorce him. As a result, Hillard has limited visitation rights to see his own children.

In Mrs. Doubtfire, Hillard turns to drag in order to see his children. When Miranda begins looking

Richard O'Brien's The Rocky Horror Show. Photo courtesy of The Old Globe.

for a housekeeper, he dresses as a female figure in order to see his own children and earns the job.

In order to achieve such an image, he solicits the help of close friends to design Mrs. Doubtfire’s character. His brother Frank does his makeup, while his friend Jack designs a costume for Mrs. Doubtfire.

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert (1994) The Australian Outback might seem like an unlikely setting for a film about drag, but The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert is a film about life. It is a film about acceptance, transition, friendship, fatherhood and taking responsibility. When his exwife calls and invites him to perform at her club, Mitzi (Hugo Weaving) and his friends, Felicia (Guy Pearce) and Bernadette (Terence Stamp), embark on a road trip. This is a trip that takes them across the Australian Outback on a hot pink bus named Priscilla. This film won an Academy Award for Best Costume Design in 1994.

Hedwig and the Angry Inch (2001) Illustrating the sacrifices, insights and fluidity of sexuality, Hedwig’s cult-following isn’t wrong in holding such esteem for this film. Filled with the musical expanses of Hedwig and her band, The Angry Inch, the title of the film serves as a double-sided meaning to viewers. Set originally in East Berlin, the film manages to show us both the before and the after of the Berlin Wall and the

simultaneous transition from the former-Hansel into Hedwig. First having a sex change operation for the purpose of marrying a U.S. soldier, Hansel undergoes a mishandled operation into Hedwig and seems to continuously come by bad luck from all those she encounters henceforth. Sure, Hedwig involves drag in appearance, but it also manages to dig much deeper into the stigmas and overall internal battle of gender and love raging inside one’s self. Managing to eloquently and humorously delve into the constantly fluctuating psyche, Hedwig doesn’t just dress the part but also lives it.

St. Trinian’s (2007) An installment in a continuous series, St. Trinian’s follows a group of girls at a school where there is little order. The film opens with a new student, Annabelle Fritton, who is admitted to St. Trinian’s and greeted with pranks and unwelcoming students. Miss Camilla Dagey Fritton, St. Trinian’s Head Mistress and Annabelle’s aunt, is played in drag by Rupert Everett.

The mistress is a unique character who leads the chaotic school. The reason for which St. Trinian’s continues to have a male actor play a female one is to continue a tradition, which began with the first film about St. Trinian’s in 1954. Actor Alastair Sim was the drag actor in the original film. Everett continues Sim’s tradition in the 2007 release of St. Trinian’s.

arts

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entertainment

TV Primer: doctor who

April 5 - 11, 2012

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A Beginners’ Guide to Classic TV.

by Jamila Tyler

O

ne of the most iconic aspects of British culture and the longest running science fiction series today, Doctor Who has recently entered a new era of popularity under the leadership of executive producer and lead writer Russell T. Davies, who in turn gave the reins over to Steven Moffat in 2009. Those looking to be a part of this nerdy cultural zeitgeist might be daunted by the nearly 50-year run of the series. Luckily, a combination of the show’s relaunch after almost 15 years of being off-air in 2005 and British television shows’ short seasons makes jumping in entirely accessible. However, new viewers may want to start off with a few basic facts about the show.

The central character of Doctor Who is, in fact, actually not a doctor. In reality, he is a Time Lord who is known as The Doctor who travels through space and time fighting evil. Time Lords are aliens from the Planet Gallifrey. An interesting fact about the Doctor is that when he is gravely wounded he can regenerate his entire body, gaining both a new face and personality. This explains why Who fans (also known as Whovians) refer to the different iterations of The Doctor as “The Tenth Doctor,” “The Ninth Doctor,” and so on. The Doctor was originally introduced as a fugitive from his stuffy and overbearing planet. Played by William Hartnell, the first Doctor’s

personality is a far cry from the new geekish and eccentric Eleventh Doctor played by Matt Smith.

The Doctor’s real name has never been revealed, although it is implied several times that he has once had a wife and family.

The Doctor wouldn’t be The Doctor without his TARDIS. TARDIS actually stands for the Time And Relative Dimensions In Space. Much like the wardrobe from C.S. Lewis’s classic, The Chronicles of Narnia , TARDIS is much bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. A highly advanced piece of Time Lord technology, the TARDIS can change its outer appearance to disguise itself. It was also broken down and obsolete when the Doctor first stole it and gets stuck in the first shape we see it in: a battered, old 1950s-style wooden phone booth. The shape of the phone booth is one of the only things that have remained constant in the show’s run.

Originally, the Doctor was not the focus of Doctor Who. The protagonists were Barbara and Ian, two schoolteachers the First Doctor kidnapped to keep from revealing his true identity as a space alien. Over time, the cast members acting as the Doctor’s companions have been replaced. The companions themselves eventually became more like the Doctor’s assistants who give the Doctor a way to keep in touch with humanity.

So where does one truly start when watching Doctor Who? My recommendation for first-time viewers is to start with the 2005 show revamp with the Ninth Doctor. Its entire purpose was to get new viewers to watch Doctor Who. The Ninth Doctor only lasted one season, but he sets all of the pieces

into play for the Tenth Doctor. Played by David Tennant, the Tenth Doctor is arguably the Doctor that truly revitalized Doctor Who. From there, it’s pretty easy to keep up with the series. Once you’ve caught up with the show, I’d recommend working your way back to the very first Doctor.

The 11th Doctor with Amy and Rory Pond Used with permission from the BBC

Boundaries Dissolving VOICE Reading Series brings performance art to Krannert Art Museum

by Andrea Baumgartner Art museums are traditionally reserved for viewing purposes only — to walk around a large gallery and criticize, admire and ponder over static works of art.

Today, museums are beginning to break free of this margin and exploring how other forms of art, such as music and spoken word, belong in a museum setting. The VOICE Reading Series at Krannert Art Museum is one of numerous programs the museum is hosting that represents a progressive change in the museum atmosphere.

The VOICE Reading Series was created a few years ago when a creative writing department student was looking for a venue for the program and proposed it to the museum.

“We immediately said yes because it was perfect,” Kathleen Harleman, Krannert Art Museum director, said. “It was great!”

VOICE is a program that is run by third-year MFA students in Creative Writing and used as a platform for other MFA students to share their work with each other and the community. Max Somers and Sara Gelston, both in their third year of the MFA program studying poetry, have been the ones to take the reins this year.

“It’s pretty much whatever the writer wants to bring forward to people,” Gelston said.

Each event is a mix of students from poetry and fiction writing.

“We try to mix it up,” Somers said. “The last reading was inspired by the work of authors we all love, so we got up and read none of our own work but the work of authors that inspire us.”

Both Somers and Gelston want the program to be fun and not taken too seriously. Poetry readings are often stereotyped as sullen.

“It’s not meant to be some incredibly silent, sterile poetry reading,” Somers said. “We want to break down those barriers.”

Somers and Gelston aren’t the only ones who want to break down barriers with this program.

“I think more and more in the world of art, we’re seeing the boundaries between disciplines dissolving or overlapping — being less defined,” Harleman said. “This is a major step for visual arts to say, ‘The role of performance really belongs here,’ so I think that’s just opening up the museum to things beyond the strict definitions of visual arts and once again, it’s saying there’s a different kind of value in the kind of environment we have.”

Both Gelston and Somers agree that the museum provides an inspirational setting with good ambiance for what they’re trying to achieve.

Roya Khatiblou, a first year MFA student in fiction, read for the first time at last Thursday’s event and said she enjoys the museum as a venue.

“I’ve read previously with my other university,

Northwestern, and I like the venue here,” Khatiblou said. “They always do VOICE at Krannert, and I think that the venue is so nice. Other times, at Northwestern, they’ve been all over Chicago,

and some are good and some are bad, and I think this is a good, organized reading series.”

The next VOICE reading event is on April 19 at 7:30 p.m.

The Krannert Art Museum

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The Heart of India Fizaa Indian dance team makes it to National Bollywood America competition

by Corinne Ruff

F

izaa, the Hindi term for ‘atmosphere,’ describes a whole new world. The costumes shimmer under a blanket of colorful lights, the sounds of India fill the air and stories are told through the movement of the body. This is the world of Bollywood.

For American-Indian students on campus, the Fizaa Indian dance team keeps them in touch with their heritage. Culturally, Bollywood dance is one of the most important facets of Indian pop culture.

“Bollywood is the heart of India,” said member Priyanka Shah. “It’s a part of daily life and the pop culture of movie stars, fashion and music.”

The members of Fizaa were born with dance flowing through their blood and have trained in many classical Indian dance styles such as Raas, Bhangra and Ghungroo since an early age. All of these dance styles have groups on campus, but Fizaa offers an intriguing combination of Bollywood, Hip-Hop and Fusion dance as well as the opportunity for students to compete against other collegiate teams across the nation.

Rutvik Shan, a former member of Raas said, “To me, the Bollywood scene was more appeal-

ing because of all the different aspects that go into it. What’s different about Fizaa is that the whole team is involved. Everyone is there to contribute and work collectively to evolve the piece for the next competition.”

Fizaa is quickly becoming one of the most successful dance groups on campus. They took first in a competition in Los Angeles and qualified to attend the national competition, Bollywood America (on April 21), for the second year in a row.

In order to qualify for nationals, the group must be selected to participate in competitions and win first place. These competitions are held coast to coast and can get up to 30 applications, only 10 of which are accepted. Just qualifying for one competition is something to be proud of, but Fizaa usually qualifies for five per year.

“Throughout the last four years I’ve grown alongside the team,” Jyoti Mishra, senior and president, said. “The club started up when I was a freshman and we weren’t always this successful but we’ve learned what we need to do to be better which is very rewarding to watch.”

Photos of the Fizaa practice Photo by Chrissy Ruiz

Due to their growing success, Fizaa has become a very selective group. Each year auditions are held, and only 10 boys and 10 girls are chosen by the captains to make up that year’s Fizaa team. To uphold the integrity of the group, all members ­— aside from the captains — ­­ must re-audition.

Every year the team chooses a theme to be the storyline of their dance, which will progress throughout their five competitions. This year, their theme is Mr. & Mrs. Singh — a play on words from the American last name Smith. The story plays off the American action film, but twists with the addition of a stolen ruby and, of course, dramatic romance.

“Between competitions, the basic storyline

remains the same,” Mishra said. “But we learn what did and didn’t work, tweaking the dances and changing one or two songs.”

This allows the team to have nearly perfected their routine by the time nationals comes around.

Until then, the rehearsal schedules get heavier. In the two weeks leading up to a competition, the dancers spend three hours a day and two whole weekends locked away perfecting their piece.

Amidst all the stress of the dances, designing costumes and making props, the team maintains its friendly, relaxed environment. “Although we all are very competitive, for us it’s not about winning,” Mishra said. “Whatever happens, happens.”

SUMMER SESSIONS START

MAY 21 AND JUNE 4 Learn more: E-mail: summer@harpercollege.edu Phone: 847.925.6707 SAVE MONEY If you currently attend a four-year school, two summer classes at Harper can save you up to 3x more money for tuition than your summer part-time job*.

GRADUATE EARLY. Continue your studies at Harper over the summer so that you can finish your degree early and avoid the dreaded “super senior” situation.

TRANSFER SUMMER CREDIT BACK TO YOUR HOME UNIVERSITY Taking classes at Harper College gives you personal access to dedicated instructors so that you can get the attention you need to succeed. Who wants to take a class like Intro to Computer Science or BIO 101 with 700 other students?

You can also scan the QR code with your phone to ask a question about your summer options. Don’t have a QR code reader?

Visit www.i-nigma.mobi to download one for your specific phone.

It’s the smart thing to do. *Tuition savings based on part-time rates per credit hour listed on Harper College, ISU, NIU, DePaul and Roosevelt University websites as of January 5, 2012, and are subject to change without notice. Tuition rates rounded to the nearest hundred. Additional fees and room and board, where available, not included. Work earnings based on $8.25 per hour and a 20-hour work week over 8 weeks. Estimated taxes based on a minimum 10% federal and %5 Illinois state tax rate.

Harper College is committed to the policy that all persons shall have equal access to its programs, facilities, and employment without regard to race, color, creed, religion, national origin, sex, age, marital status, disability, public assistance status, veteran status or sexual orientation. 17981 BC 3/12

Start. Finish. Go Forward. harpercollege.edu/summer

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Food

&

Drink

April 5 - 11, 2012

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burger 101 A burger is more than the sum of its parts

by Noah Roberts

T

hat time of year is upon us again! The hot/ cold, on-again/off-again tease that is an Illinois spring has finally given way to generally habitable conditions in the great outdoors. So light up the Weber and crack open something cold to sip on: it’s grilling season!

When it comes to American grilling, you would be hard-pressed to find a more time-honored tradition than the humble hamburger. A patty of ground meat loaded with condiments and served on a bun is the model of culinary simplicity, but its unassuming nature lends itself easily to experimentation limited only by your imagination and the contents of your refrigerator.

Although the origins of the American hamburger are dubious at best, the hamburger has existed in the U.S. in more or less the same form since the late 1800s. The Library of Congress would have you believe the American hamburger originated in 1895 at Louis’ Lunch in New Haven, Connecticut, but that’s obviously just a part of their liberal/conservative/etc. agenda and was probably cooked up in the same studio where they filmed the first moon landing. The menacingly middle-initialed Texas historian Frank X. Tolbert claims Athens, Texas as the birthplace of the burger; but in Hamburg, New York, it’s taken as common knowledge that the Menches brothers are the proud parents of that beefy baby. Believe what you will about how our hamburger came into being, it is clear that it is here to stay, so I am going to provide you with a few tips and tricks to make sure your burger extravaganzas go off without a hitch.

The cornerstone ingredient of any burger is the meat you choose to make the patty with; anything you add should serve as a foil to accentuate the flavors present. For those who view cows as friends and not food, know that meat is more the tradition than the rule. Mash up a black bean patty, grind up some super firm tofu and veggies, or just plop a portobello on the barbie and call it a day. If you are meat inclined but want a leaner option, consider ground turkey or chicken. And if you are looking

for a little something different, consider mixing the beef with a pork sausage (chorizo, Sai-Ua, or even kielbasa for an ethnic flair). But really, let’s not kid ourselves. This is a hamburger; this is about beef. When selecting ground beef for hamburgers, you will want to shy away from the leaner (and more expensive) ground sirloin.

Ground chuck is your friend; the higher fat content will create a juicier, more flavorful burger.

Select ground beef anywhere in the 75-85% lean range, with a fat content correlating to how many days you want this burger to take off of your life. Account for 5-6 ounces of ground beef per burger, which is small enough to not become unwieldy when cooking but large enough to show your blatant disregard for what the food pyramid considers an appropriate serving size of meat.

For some, the procurement of beef will be mission accomplished: form a patty, grill it up, done. For others, this is merely the first step in an epic voyage of seasoning, marinating, tenderizing, brining, etc. Wherever you fall in the spectrum, just bear in mind that added components like cheese and spices will compromise the structural integrity of your beef matrix, so you may want to think about adding binding agents. Egg is traditional here, but really only the whites are needed. The yolks will contribute more fat and cholesterol, so omit if nutrition is paramount. Bread crumbs will add moisture (important if you’re burger-ing with a leaner meat such as ground turkey) and yield a more meatloaf-like consistency. If you fancy yourself quite the kitchen scientist, then eschew the traditional trappings of egg and breadcrumb for a molecular gastronomy-inspired take on beef binding a la Heston Blumenthal. Sprinkle ground beef liberally with salt, knead thoroughly, and allow to sit for a couple hours before cooking. The salt draws out the myoglobin proteins from the beef and allows them to crosslink with each other (think velcro) creating a stickier, more sausage-like patty.

When you form your patties, put a significant

Photo used with permission from Stu_Spivack and the Creative Commons

dimple in the middle prior to cooking. When heat is applied to meat the collagen tightens, forming the perceived bulge in the middle of the once flat patty. The concave shape will help to counteract this occurrence. Allow the meat to come to room temperature before cooking — this ensures that the outside doesn’t overcook while waiting for the middle to heat up to a safe temperature. Speaking of safe temperatures, ground beef is unlike a beef steak which only requires a good sear to eliminate surface bacteria. Since ground beef has been ground, any bacteria present on the surface of the beef has been incorporated into the whole mass, so be sure to cook hamburgers to an internal temperature of at least 150º F. Finally, when it comes to hamburger cookery, although a broiled or pan-fried burger will yield perfectly acceptable results, there is simply no substitute for the smokey, crisp outside and moist inside of a charcoal-grilled burger.

The final dilemma is deciding what accoutre-

EVER WAKE UP TO A WET LAUNDRY BASKET?

ments will garnish that awe-inspiring steamy disc of meat which you have just created. The standard fare is cheese, tomato, onion and lettuce (give or take a pickle) and for good reason.

The cheese imparts creaminess, the acidity of the tomato cuts the richness of the fatty beef, the onion adds a bright, pungent flavor to the darker, more subdued, savory tones of the beef, and the lettuce adds a crisp crunch which contrasts the moist patty. But get creative! Choose flavors that complement the beef and textures that will add dimension to the hamburger.

A final word on buns. Keep your artisanal, whole wheat, bran-fortified, flax-enriched loaves at home, hipster. While I enjoy trying to eat my daily allowance of fiber as much as the next guy, something light and fluffy is what fits the bill in this case. Something akin to a Kaiser roll is an ideal candidate.

May your coals burn bright, your drink stay cold and the smoke never blow in your eyes; a merry grilling season to all!

A 30, 60 OR 90 MINUTE MASSAGE

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ph: 344-5004

217-722-9530 Expires 6/30/12

buzz

7

Chuck Klosterman on modern existEnce Somehow, buzz got the chance to talk to Chuck Klosterman; it was enlightening

by Nick Martin

C

huck Klosterman is arguably the most popular culture critic in America. He’s been published in The New York Times, The Washington Post, Spin, and most recently as a regular columnist at Grantland.com. He is the author of seven books: two critical memoirs about rock icons, Fargo Rock City and Killing Yourself to Live; three books of hypothetical questions and pop-philosophy, Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, VI, and Eating the Dinosaur; and two novels, Downtown Owl and The Visible Man. By commentating on the nature of celebrity and fame in America, he inadvertently made himself famous. He was nice enough to talk to buzz about rock and roll, music criticism, virtual realities, Ozzy Osbourne and TiVo. » buzz: Rock music is more about genres and categories than how anything actually sounds. What’s the consequence of that?

Chuck Klosterman: Some music just gets the concession that it’s great; other music gets the concession that it’s bad. But from a musical perspective, it’s not that different from a lot of other bands who exist right alongside at a record store. I think most of our discussion about music puts the actual sound of it as secondary. If you really care about music — any art really — then you know liking or disliking certain records has a meaning outside of itself. I made a real point about writing positively about the band Poison. I like Poison, but I realize everyone knows liking Poison has a meaning beyond enjoying the songs. When I mentioned Poison, you kind of guffawed (editor’s note: I did); anybody would. There’s a meaning to that band that has nothing to do with the records — that’s a lot of what I write about. »buzz: “All criticism is autobiographical.” Can you elaborate on that?

CK: I believe that. Especially in the hardcore world of criticism, writers don’t want to accept that.

They argue it’s lazy thinking or useless or whatever. The fact of the matter is, when I look at a critic who has a large, meaningful body of work, and when I go through and read their reviews, I definitely get a better sense of the critic than the thing they’re ostensibly analyzing. Any experience you have with art is going to be filtered through the prism of yourself and your own experience; you’re going to inject every experience you have, unconsciously, into that piece of art, and it’s going to come back to you in a way that makes sense within the framework with which you understand the world. I think for a lot of critics, they would never want to write a memoir or in the first person — but they still have a desire to have their existence validated and for their experience to have meaning. So, they just write about themselves through different things. It’s pretty rare I read a piece of criticism where I understand the product better than the writer. » buzz: Perhaps what sets your writing apart from 8

buzz

Photo by Kris Drake

typical criticism is that you explicitly acknowledge this paradox. I’ve heard people describe other people’s writing as “Klosterman-esque.” How does it feel to become an adjective? What do you think that means?

CK: Well, that’s flattering. Of course I feel great about it, but it’s something I couldn’t have planned; it just kind of worked out that way, mostly due to timing. My books emerged in 2001-02, right at the moment the internet was becoming mainstream.

A lot of the things I did in my first two books were adopted by the first meaningful bloggers and internet people. Really, timing is key. I don’t know what would have happened if my books came out five years early.

I think the biggest thing is the idea that you can write about whatever you personally decided was meaningful. You did not have to see what other people were saying in order to validate what you were perusing as an intellectual pursuit. You can use your own life as a way to understand the world. Now of course, if everyone does that, it becomes problematic. I wasn’t trying or certainly not hoping the way I wrote about culture and life would become normative. I don’t know if it has, but I certainly don’t want it to. When someone is consciously or unconsciously doing what I do, the unifying element is: criticism allows you to create your own reality. »buzz: What do you mean, “Create your own reality?”

CK: What I’m almost saying is I create a fiction to make myself happier, but that’s what people do.

We’re living in the Matrix now. I really believe that.

Not to the extent that we’re all batteries and this is all a computer program. But the world that we see is unreal. It’s become increasingly difficult to differentiate between hard reality and created reality — to the point where I worry if it’s a conversation worth having even though it seems like the most important thing happening in society right now.

Most people stop asking the question of “What is reality?” or “What is real?” when they stop having this discussion when they quit smoking pot in college. They view it as an early adult thing. But I’ve never stopped thinking about that. To me, it’s the central question of being alive. I’ll probably never get over it. If there is a unifying aspect to all my books and all my writing, it is the question of what is reality.

As an example, I realized I have no control over my life, but once I came to that realization, I’ve decided to pretend that I do. The life I have now is a collection of things I did, but also chance, the way the world works, the fact I was born in America in the early ‘70s, the fact that I’m white. All of these things have dovetailed together to give me the life I have. It really isn’t me who got here. But now that I am here and I’m the only person inside this existence, I’m going to work under the perception that I control everything that I do. I’m fully responsible for the things that work and the things that fail. »buzz: What about how the internet fractures taste and sort of breaks down “monoculture”?

CK: The decline of the album as an important piece of culture has influenced that. When I was buying cassettes in the ’80s, I might have $10 to spend.

So, I’d be looking for a $9.99 cassette. If I bought an Ozzy Osbourne record, that’s all I’d be listening to for a month. All the music I listened to was Ozzy, so if I wanted to care about that music, I need to care about Ozzy. Now, if I was in the same position, I’d probably buy ten songs off iTunes, and they would have no relationship to one another. One might be an Ozzy song, a Beatles song, a Lady Antebellum song — the only thing tying them together would be my personal taste. This leads people away from adopting the trappings of a subculture.

A lot of times, you get trapped in subculture without even trying. Let’s say instead of Ozzy, I buy The Cure. And the next record I get is a Streets of Mercy record. At first, I’m compiling these Goth records just because I like the way they sound.

But after a while, I like them because I relate to them and see aspects of myself in them; and then I start relating to other people who like this music.

And suddenly, I’m wearing eyeliner to school, and I’m in a subculture. I don’t think that happens as much anymore. When I see kids at colleges or high schools who are “in-your-face punk” or very metal or really hip-hop, it seems more like a conscious choice. Something the person wanted to pursue, without falling into it. » buzz: How does emerging entertainment technology reinforce that? Like TiVo?

readbuzz.com April 5 - 11, 2012

How many sides does an octagon have? Five?

CK: Because of things like YouTube, we can go back and see anything at any time. We basically have access to all television that’s ever existed at any time on our computer. It used to be books would go to print; but now even out of print books are on Amazon. A phrase people used to use was “What will be the song of the summer?” — the song you hear in other people’s car that defines 1997. There’s less of that now because people care less about the radio, and it’s easier to get a hold of everything. Elements of culture that mark time don’t exist anymore. So, when someone dies, it becomes one of the only ways people can really mark time by memory.

It’s not like Whitney Houston is going to keep

dying. When she dies, we remember she died Grammy weekend, so it was kind of Whitney’s Grammy’s. This allows people to remind themselves they are living a finite life. Time really is moving. Sometimes it feels like time isn’t moving, and we’re moving through time, not that time is moving. That’s not how it is.

Not to mention, people like to have shared experiences. When there were only three networks on television, even the unpopular shows were more popular than everything that’s on the air right now because there were fewer options. If you had the least popular show on ABC in the late ’70s on a Tuesday night, you’re probably still being watched by 25 million people. People liked

the idea of shared experience — they didn’t think that they did because they always wanted more options. Now music is splintered; there’s a million options on cable and nobody watches the same thing. You can go to the movies and watch them at home — there’s less unifying aspects to culture.

But when someone dies, that’s still shared.

Like, when Michael Jackson died, everyone dealt with whatever emotive feeling they had at the same time. People really got into it; it was like they wanted their life and memories to be important. That’s why they amplified their relationship to Michael Jackson, which is why you went on Facebook after he died finding all these people, who, to your knowledge, had never once

mentioned Michael Jackson in their entire fucking lives suddenly claiming this is a horrendous tragedy they can’t get over. They want to remember that Jackson was important to them because they can tell from other reactions that he was “important.” So, if they have a relationship to Michael Jackson, it buoys their own existence.

You want to be involved.

Chuck told me I “don’t have to plug anything,” but his second novel, The Visible Man, comes out in paperback June 5. You can read a bunch of his essays on www.Grantland.com right now, and he’s researching a new book he’s not allowed to talk about yet.

COMMUNITY GARDENING IN C-U Meadowbrook Park offers organic garden plots

by Thomas Thoren

T

he weather is warming up, and there is new life in all things throughout town. After months of interior dwelling, now is the time for everyone to spread their arms and branch out to other areas of Champaign-Urbana.

For those staying in town this summer, you can explore Urbana while enjoying the nice weather by growing an organic garden in Meadowbrook Park. Apartments tend to be tight and have minimal yard space, so renting out a garden plot for the growing season may be ideal for many residents, especially students. Luckily, there are two locations in Urbana that allow for ChampaignUrbana residents to tend a garden this summer no matter what their living situation may be.

The larger location is in Meadowbrook Park and offers four garden plot options. Half plots measure 17 feet by 15 feet and cost $30 per season.

Full plots measure 17 feet by 30 feet and cost $50 per season. Returning gardeners are eligible for perennial plots for $60 per season. These are full-sized plots that gardeners can keep and tend to throughout the year. They are the only locations for gardeners to plant perennial plants such as shrubs. Finally, there are raised beds that measure 3 feet by 11 feet at a cost of $30 per season.

Erica Schneider, environmental public program coordinator for the Anita Purves Nature Center, says the number of each plot varies from season to season but usually stays the same. This season, Meadowbrook Park offers 71 full-sized plots, 30 half-sized plots, 27 perennial plots and two raised beds. The second organic gardening location in Urbana, Victory Park, offers six raised beds and eight half-sized plots.

Gardeners are also required to pay deposits that will be refunded at the end of the season, assuming the guidelines are followed throughout the year. The deposit amounts depend on a gardener’s experience level: $30 per season for new gardeners, $15 per season for returning gardeners and $45 per year for returning gardeners who rent

perennial plots.

Schneider says most gardeners tend to stick to the most common crops — onions, tomatoes, lettuce, corn and peppers — but there is still a wide variety. Because Champaign-Urbana is a college town, many of the gardeners come from diverse backgrounds and cultures, each of which have their own selection of crops. Many of these, like bitter melons, are not typically grown in the area.

For beginning gardeners, Schneider recommends they pay close attention to their plants’ growing information. Knowing how much space to allot for each plant and when the crops may be planted in relation to the last frost date are important for gardeners to know.

Another thing to consider while planning the layout of a garden is which plants should border each other. A plant’s “companion” can ward off pests that would otherwise pose a problem. Meadowbrook’s garden manual includes a companion gardening guide to identify good plant neighbors. It also includes possible plot layout that utilizes companion gardening strategies.

The gardens have few rules, but one they are very strict about is that all gardens remain organic, meaning they cannot use pesticides or herbicides. Pest control can be a hassle, Schneider says, but it is just another consideration for gardeners to keep in mind while maintaining their crops.

She says simple solutions such as vinegar, baking soda or soapy water ward off many would-be pests. The most common pests are insects, which are as easy to remove as simply picking them off of plants. She says as gardeners become more experienced, they will also learn which plants are pest-resistant.

Inexperienced gardeners and veterans all take plots in Meadowbrook for a multitude of reasons.

“A lot of people do it because they lack their own space for it at home,” Schneider says.

This is the case for many community members and University student groups. Some people

People often spend their Saturday mornings tending to their plots in the community garden. Photo by Chrissy Ruiz

may have the space for a garden, but excessive shade or poor topsoil can make it difficult to grow a healthy garden. Other people are concerned about the quality of their yards’ soil and any possible contact it may have had with pesticides or other contaminants in the past. Because Meadowbrook’s gardens have been organic for more than 35 years, gardeners can grow gardens there and have more certainty about the health of their crops.

The Meadowbrook Organic Garden Service offers water, wheelbarrows, manure and a weed and compost pile for gardeners. Additional tools, plant nutrients and pest controls are gardeners’ responsibilities. Schneider says Pamela Thomas, Meadowbrook’s garden service supervisor, is “a resource for gardeners” who ensures the success of their plants and

also enforces the garden guidelines so everyone has a positive growing experience.

The garden service helps to foster a stronger community by hosting potlucks for gardeners to gather and taste the fruits of their labor with each other.

Even though the gardening season does not begin until March, registration begins in December.

Many gardeners sign up the first day and begin placing their gardens’ fencing in February. After the season ends in November, Meadowbrook tills the garden plots “so the ground is somewhat ready” come the next spring, Schneider says.

Schneider says prospective gardeners can sign up for plots like all other Urbana Park District registrations by calling the Phillips Recreation Center at (217) 367-1544 or visiting www. urbanaparks.org. buzz

9

MUSIC

PUPPIES AND PIZZA! and free form radio...

Adam Barnett’s recipe for a delicious college radio station

by Dan Durley

T

raditional radio has become an increasingly fickle platform for discovering new music; new artists rarely get spins. Playing unknown artists is not good for the radio business in the short term. Radio stations want to retain listeners each time they play a song, and traditional radio listeners like familiarity.

The exception to this “rarely spin new artists” rule is the free-format college radio station. A college radio station operates in a much less commercial manner than a traditional “commercial” radio station. DJs have much more freedom to play what they want at a college station. Commercial stations have to answer to advertisers, so when the advertisers say that they’d like to hear more familiar artists on the air, commercial stations have an obligation to change their programming a bit to accommodate that request. So, we have commercial radio stations in Champaign, but where is our college radio station? Where can a U of I student turn to hear the obscure music normally associated with a college campus? Currently, U of I does not have non-commercial college radio, and Pizza FM is here to change that.

“We have WEFT and WRFU in ChampaignUrbana, but those two stations are community stations, and as far as the U of I community, I don’t think we have a station that represents the voice of the U of I as a whole,” said Pizza FM founder Adam Barnett.

Pizza FM is focusing their resources on Internet Radio rather than traditional radio. Internet Radio is obviously a much cheaper alternative to buying traditional broadcast space. “The main reason we’re doing Internet Radio right now is because we don’t have the funds to go the route of a traditional land station with a tower and everything.” Costs are not the only reason Pizza FM is focusing on Internet Radio.

Barnett thinks that the popular models of internet radio don’t provide the type of experience Pizza FM will provide.

“You can listen to Pandora or Spotify and listen to artists that are similar to one another, but really, that leaves out a whole bunch of music,” Barnett said.

“There is so much music that you can listen to, and I think we can provide a platform where the listener just sees a general subject of what they will be hearing, given to them by a trusted DJ with a good taste in music. I think people would want to hear that.”

This is not Adam’s first radio rodeo. In his freshman year of college at Drexel University in Philadelphia, Adam hosted a radio show from 11 to 1 every Monday night. Listeners still tuned in from all around the country even with the unfavorable time slot.

“People tuned in to my show at Drexel because they liked my show and had fun listening to it,” Barnett said. “I feel like a lot of people would like to hear a station specifically curated and controlled

by U of I students.”

Barnett explained that eventually Pizza FM is hop10

buzz

Founder of Pizza FM, Adam Barnett. Photo by Sean O’Connor

ing to expand beyond radio, using their internet platform for a variety of musical endeavors.

“Operating solely on the internet, we can easily do videos, blogs, music articles and more,” Barnett explained. “We’re hoping to book a music festival next spring too,” said Barnett.

Even with the massive amount of work they’ve put in, Barnett and Pizza FM aren’t in the radio business for the money. Pizza FM will operate as a free form, non-commercial Internet station, without making any money off of their broadcasts. That’s a great mantra to hold as an independent radio station, but unfortunately, even non-cash-grabber ventures like Pizza FM have overhead costs. Before Pizza FM can broadcast a single radio show, they

need to pay Performance Rights Organizations (think unions for songwriters and artists) for licenses to their catalogs.

“It seemed like the licenses for us (as a station that isn’t going to be making any profits) would be around 200 or 300 bucks a piece per PRO, so buying those licenses is a big hurdle for us.”

Barnett said.

In the meantime, Pizza FM has released themed mixtapes of local artists (Mixtoppings), free music from the public domain ([Royalty] Free Pizza), pictures of puppies talking about pizza (yes, seriously, the collection of pictures is called “Pupday and Friends,” and they’re insanely cute) and a plethora of local and national music coverage.

Puppies and pizza puns aren’t enough to win over everybody though. Pizza FM needs as much support as they can get if they want to succeed at bringing college radio to U of I. “I think the biggest hurdle right now is getting a space to operate and getting support from the community,” said Barnett. “We have support from the music community, but getting support from the University has been surprisingly hard ... In order to get the word out to the powers that be, we’re thinking about starting to broadcast out of the house that I live in right now.”

If you are looking to support Pizza FM, they have meetings Mondays at 8 p.m. in room 1018 of the Foreign Language Building.

Do you guys believe in bigfoot?

THIS WEEK

Hip-hop Appreciation Week UC Hip-Hop Congress comes back to Cowboy Monkey

readbuzz.com April 5 - 11, 2012

2012(Apr5)3quArTEr(buzz)2

KR ANNERT CENTER FOR THE PERFORMING ARTS

TH APR 5

5pm

Krannert Uncorked with Deak Harp One Man Band, blues // Marquee

7:30pm

Lady Macbeth: A Kabuki Play

7:30pm

UI Trombone Choir

by Max Huppert

// Depar tment of Theatre

// School of Music

FR APR 6

10am

Dance for People with Parkinson’s

7:30pm

Lady Macbeth: A Kabuki Play

// Marquee

// Depar tment of Theatre

SA APR 7

2pm

Friends of Theatre: Shozo Sato Retrospective // Depar tment of Theatre

7:30pm

C

arlos Hernandez, President of the Urbana-Champaign Hip-Hop Congress, has had a lot on his plate lately. Just last week, he hosted the after-party for Diplo’s concert at The Canopy Club and was graced with the brief presence of Diplo himself, who stopped by with his crew to play a couple of songs. And although he’s had issues with noise complaints, Hernandez hopes to host another DJ party at his apartment next week. But most of his attention is now focused on the events he’s helped to plan for Hip Hop Appreciation Week, which will culminate on Saturday with a showcase at Cowboy Monkey. This week of concerts, breakdance performances and cook-outs is nothing new for the UC Hip-Hop Congress, who have organized the same event in previous years.

“There’s an organization called Temple of Hip Hop, founded by KRS-ONE, and they have a hip-hop appreciation week during the first week of May,” Hernandez explains. “But for us, that’s finals week and it’s always a little too busy, so we shoot for early April.”

The crowning event of the week will be the show at Cowboy Monkey, which runs from 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. on Saturday, and features a bevy of artists, including local rappers Klevah and Swords, DJs, alumni, and Robust and Old Irving, who are visiting from Chicago. The HipHop Congress has also planned a barbecue and breakdancing event on the Quad for Friday afternoon, as well as a screening of Beats, Rhymes and Life, a documentary film about A Tribe Called Quest, which will be screened on campus at 8 p.m. Thursday night. The entire week promises to be entertaining and even potentially educational, and Hernandez has a special message for those considering heading home for the holiday weekend.

“Don’t leave town for Easter,” he says.

“Saturday’s gonna be a dope show.”

Lady Macbeth: A Kabuki Play

// Depar tment of Theatre

WE APR 11

7:30pm

Rochelle Sennet, piano

// School of Music

TH APR 12

5pm

Krannert Uncorked

7:30pm

Our Town

// Marquee

// Depar tment of Theatre

THE PROMENADE Get wound up.

Discover a whirling gear clock or a stylish scarf for spring at The Promenade.

Open 10am-6pm Mo-Sa plus before and after performances 30 Years of Charming Surprises

C A L L 3 3 3 . 6 2 8 0 • 1. 8 0 0 . K C P A T I X

Corporate Power Train Team Engine

Marquee performances are supported in part by the Illinois Arts Council—a state agency which recognizes Krannert Center in its Partners in Excellence Program.

40 North and Krannert Center —working together to put Champaign County’s culture on the map.

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11

CALENDAR

APRIL 5 - 11, 2012

Complete listing available at

THE217.COM/CALENDAR

SUBMIT YOUR EVENT TO THE CALENDAR: Online: forms available at the217.com/calendar • E-mail: send your notice to calendar@the217.com • Fax: 337-8328, addressed to the217 calendar Snail mail: send printed materials via U.S. Mail to: the217 calendar, Illini Media, 512 E. Green St., Champaign, IL 61820 • Call: 531-1456 if you have a question or to leave a message about your event.

THURSDAY 5

Beginner Tango Course 133 West Main Art & other exhibits 8:30pm Fifty Years: Contempo- Keep Our Kids Safe!: Child Abuse Prevenrary American Glass from Illinois Collections tion for Parents and Children Krannert Art Museum Indi Go Artist Co-op and Kinkead Pavilion 7pm 9am Bringing Faith & Art to Life: Works of Shari Food & festivals LeMonnier University YMCA Unitarian Universalist Presents Cosmo CofMovement of Urbanafee Hours | China Champaign, 8am University YMCA After Abstract Expres- 7:30pm sionism Live music & Krannert Art Museum karaoke and Kinkead Pavilion 9am Writ ‘n Rhymed Poetry Jerusalem Saved! InWomen’s Resources ness and the Spiritual Center, 8:30pm Landscape Chillax with DJ Belly Krannert Art Museum and Matt Harsh and Kinkead Pavilion Radio Maria, 10pm 9am Borgore “Wise Animals: Aesop Canopy Club, 9pm and His Followers” Rob Delaney Exhibition Jupiter’s II , 9pm U of I Main Library Blues Jam with The 8:30am Sugar Prophets Shozo Sato’s Work Cowboy Monkey Celebrated at Kran9:30pm nert Center and Borgore performs at Japan House in Spring Canopy!

Semester Canopy Club, 8pm Krannert Center for the Mind, body, & spirit Performing Arts, 12pm “Where the Wild Open Yoga Practice Things Glow” Paintwith Corrie Proksa ings by Hua Nian Amara Yoga & Arts Amara Yoga & Arts 5:30pm 9am Ashtanga Yoga with Lauren Quinn Classes, lectures, & Amara Yoga & Arts workshops 5:30pm Yin Yoga with Lauren IPRH Symposium: Quinn Empire from Below Amara Yoga & Arts I-Hotel & Conference 7pm Center, 7:30pm

12

buzz

Candlelight Hot Flow Yoga with Luna Pierson Amara Yoga & Arts 7pm

Bringing Faith & Art to Life: Works of Shari LeMonnier Unitarian Universalist Movement of UrbanaChampaign, 8am After Abstract Expressionism Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Jerusalem Saved! Inness and the Spiritual Landscape Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am “Wise Animals: Aesop and His Followers” Exhibition U of I Main Library 8:30am

Parrish Brothers Rosebowl Tavern, 9pm Friday Blues Memphis on Main 8:30pm

Live music & karaoke

Kate Bokor and Joe Bokor Small Wedding Kerr & Galt at Huber’s! Ceremony 133 West Main, 1pm Huber’s Classes, lectures, & “Earth Beat: A 8pm workshops Autism Benefit - 3 Live Celebration of World Miscellaneous Cultures through Bands IPRH Symposium: SATURDAY 7 Storytelling, Puppetry, Boomerang’s Bar and Empire from Below F.I.N.D. Orphy Art & other exhibits Grill Dance, and Music” I-Hotel & Conference Orpheum Children’s Spurlock Museum Center, 9am Science Museum EXHIBIT: ¡CARNAVAL! 7pm 1pm Friday Forum: “The 1pm Spurlock Museum, 9am Trailer Park Moses Making of a Successful Fifty Years: Contempo- with Special Guest EsSPEAK Café Movies & caping Neverland Multilateral EnvironKrannert Art Museum rary American Glass theater mental Agreement: and Kinkead Pavilion from Illinois Collections Memphis on Main Vienna Convention for Krannert Art Museum and 9pm 7pm Titanic Players Improv Murder By Death the Protection of the Preschool Story Time Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Comedy Highdive Ozone Layer and its Rantoul Public Library Bringing Faith & Art Illini Union Montreal Protocol 10am to Life: Works of Shari 7:30pm 8pm DJ Belly University YMCA Coffee Hour LeMonnier Cowboy Monkey 12pm University YMCA Unitarian Universalist SUNDAY 8 10pm 7:30pm Movement of UrbanaArt & other Salsa night with DJ Raising Reader Champaign, 8am exhibits Rantoul Public Library After Abstract Expres- Juan Radio Maria 10:30am sionism Jerusalem Saved! Inness and the Spiritual SLOPPY KISSES Krannert Art Museum 10:30pm Movies & theater BK Productions Kaand Kinkead Pavilion Landscape FOR ALL OF YOU! 9am raoke Krannert Art Museum The Brothers Size El Toro Bravo Jerusalem Saved!

Inand Kinkead Pavilion Armory Free Theatre PERKPUG NOW HAS 3,000 9pm ness and the Spiritual 2pm 7:30pm PEOPLE EARNING REWARDS Rose Bowl Tavern AnLandscape EXHIBIT: ¡CARNAVAL! AT LOCAL MERCHANTS! Sports, games, & niversary Party Krannert Art Museum Spurlock Museum, 9am Visit our newest merchants recreation Rosebowl Tavern and Kinkead Pavilion Bringing Faith & Art Xinh Xinh Cafe, Pekara Bistro, 9pm 9am to Life: Works of Shari Chess Club and The Red Herring (coming soon!)

Slow Intentional Pecha-Kucha Night LeMonnier Rantoul Public Library NOT YET A PERKPUG OWNER? Damage, Buried in Champaign-Urbana Unitarian Universalist 3:30pm FIND OUT WHAT YOUR MISSING. Black, Gonzo Diablo, No. 9 Movement of UrbanaWarnerv Krannert Art Museum Champaign FRIDAY 6 FOLLOWTHEPUG.COM Phoenix and Kinkead Pavilion 8am Art & other exhibits 9pm 8:20pm After Abstract ExpresLive music & Bill Mallonee in conShozo Sato’s Work Shozo Sato’s Work sionism EXHIBIT: cert: Live, up close and Krannert Art Museum Celebrated at Krannert karaoke Celebrated at Kran¡CARNAVAL! personal Center and Japan House William Tyler ft. Nick nert Center and and Kinkead Pavilion Spurlock Museum in Spring Semester Japan House in Spring Winter Agency 2pm 9am Rudd 7pm Krannert Center for the Indi Go Artist Co-op Semester Fifty Years: ContempoFifty Years: ContemPerforming Arts, 12pm Krannert Center for the rary American Glass porary American 8pm Mind, body, & spirit from Illinois Collections “Where the Wild Performing Arts, 12pm Glass from Illinois Late Night with DJ Things Glow” Paint“Where the Wild Krannert Art Museum Collections Belly Yoga Fundamentals ings by Hua Nian Things Glow” Paintand Kinkead Pavilion Krannert Art Museum Radio Maria with Linda Lehovec Amara Yoga & Arts ings by Hua Nian 2pm and Kinkead Pavilion 10pm Amara Yoga & Arts 9am Amara Yoga & Arts “Where the Wild 9am Impalas at Huber’s!

9am 9am Huber’s Power Flow Yoga with Things Glow” PaintTime, Space, and ings by Hua Nian 8pm Corrie Proksa Amara Yoga & Arts First Friday Blues With Body: Spring 2012 Amara Yoga & Arts Group Exhibition 9am Smilin’ Bobby & Spe4pm Indi Go Artist Co-op, 7pm Kettlebell RKC Russian cial Guest The Sugar Classes, lectures, & The Brothers Size at the Style Prophets workshops Memphis on Main, 8pm Armory Free Theatre Truly Fit Armory Free Theatre The Dirty Feathers 10am West African Dance Cowboy Monkey, 10pm 7:30pm Classes with Djibril Miscellaneous In Your Ear Big Band Camara Classes, lectures, & Salsa Night with DJ Cowboy Monkey Channing-Murray workshops 6:30pm Foundation Juan DJ Delayney 6pm Radio Maria Pecha-Kucha Night Highdive, 10pm 10:30pm Champaign-Urbana Food & festivals Karaoke with DJ F.I.N.D. Orphy No. 9 Hanna Orpheum Children’s Krannert Art Museum Industry Night Phoenix Science Museumm and Kinkead Pavilion Radio Maria 9pm 1pm 8:20pm 10pm TM

The Brothers Size Armory Free Theatre 7:30pm

April 5 - 11, 2012

Mind, body, & spirit Classes, lectures, & Yoga for Men, Dudes workshops and Regular Guys with Jim Rector Amara Yoga & Arts 6:30pm Slow Flow Yoga with Kate Insolia Amara Yoga & Arts 2:30pm Happy Challenge Yoga with Maggie Taylor Amara Yoga & Arts 4pm Gentle Yoga with Rebekah Deter Amara Yoga & Arts 9am

Miscellaneous F.I.N.D. Orphy Orpheum Children’s Science Museum, 1pm

Fifty Years: Contemporary American Glass from Illinois CollecPoetry Workshop Red Herring Coffeehouse tions Krannert Art Museum and 7:30pm Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Live music & Bringing Faith & Art karaoke to Life: Works of Shari LeMonnier ‘80s Night Unitarian Universalist Highdive, 10pm Movement of UrbanaLounge Night Champaign, 8am Radio Maria, 10pm After Abstract ExpresBeats Antique performs at Canopy with sionism Krannert Art Museum special guests! and Kinkead Pavilion Canopy Club, 8pm 9am Mind, body, & spirit Jerusalem Saved! InRestorative Yoga with ness and the Spiritual Landscape Maggie Taylor Krannert Art Museum Amara Yoga & Arts and Kinkead Pavilion 7pm Hatha Yoga with Grace 9am 2012 Parkland College Giorgio Art and Design StuAmara Yoga & Arts dent Juried Exhibition 5:30pm Power Flow Yoga with Parkland Art Gallery 10am Corrie Proksa “Where the Wild Amara Yoga & Arts Things Glow” Paint12pm ings by Hua Nian Miscellaneous Amara Yoga & Arts, 9am F.I.N.D. Orphy Orpheum Children’s Sci- Classes, lectures, & workshops ence Museum 1pm You Can’t Spell Us Lounge Night without U!: Strategies Radio Maria for Building Healthy 10pm Relationships University YMCA, 7pm

Piano Man Canopy Club, 9pm Open Mic Night Cowboy Monkey, 10pm Dueling Guitars AllRequest Show & Trivia Night Jupiter’s II, 7pm An Evening with the Champaign-Urbana Singer/Songwriter Collective The Clark Bar, 7pm

Sports, games, & recreation Dinner & Bowling Special Illini Union, 4pm

WEDNESDAY 11 Art & other exhibits

EXHIBIT: ¡CARNAVAL! Sports, games, & Spurlock Museum, 9am recreation Fifty Years: Contemporary American Glass Big Dave’s Trivia from Illinois Collections Cowboy Monkey, 7pm Krannert Art Museum Sunday Late Night and Kinkead Pavilion Student Special 9am Illini Union, 9pm Bringing Faith & Art to Life: Works of Shari MONDAY 9 LeMonnier Art & other Unitarian Universalist exhibits Movement of UrbanaChampaign, 8am EXHIBIT: ¡CARNAVAL! After Abstract ExpresSpurlock Museum, 9am sionism Bringing Faith & Art Krannert Art Museum and to Life: Works of Shari Sports, games, & Kinkead Pavilion, 9am LeMonnier recreation Live music & karaoke Jerusalem Saved! InUnitarian Universalist ness and the Spiritual Movement of UrbanaBingo Night Tango Tuesdays at Champaign, 8am Memphis on Main, 10pm McKinley Foundation Landscape Krannert Art Museum 2012 Parkland College Dinner & Bowling McKinley Presbyterian Art and Design StuSpecial Church and Foundation and Kinkead Pavilion 9am dent Juried Exhibition Illini Union, 4pm 7pm Parkland Art Gallery 10am TUESDAY 10 “Where the Wild Art & other exhibits Things Glow” Paintings by Hua Nian EXHIBIT: ¡CARNAVAL! Amara Yoga & Arts, 9am Spurlock Museum, 9am

2012 Parkland College Art and Design Student Juried Exhibition Parkland Art Gallery, 10am “Where the Wild Things Glow” Paintings by Hua Nian Amara Yoga & Arts 9am

Classes, lectures, & workshops No. 44 Society Meeting U of I Main Library, 3pm Learning to Care for Your Family’s Collections Champaign Public Library, 6pm Meet the pros lecture series featuring Maya Bruck Parkland College 12pm

Food & festivals Open Decks with DJ Belly Radio Maria 10pm

Live music & karaoke Tango Dancing Cowboy Monkey, 8pm Salsa Dancing Cowboy Monkey, 10pm C-U Collective presents - We Must Dismantle All This, Brian Cagle, and Brother Gruesome!

Urbana-Champaign Independent Media Center, 8:30pm Break Science and Gramatik at Canopy!

Canopy Club 10:30pm

Buckethead & That 1 Guy are Frankenstein Brothers at Canopy!

Canopy Club, 6pm

Mind, body, & spirit Open Yoga Practice with Corrie Proksa Amara Yoga & Arts 5:30pm Kettlebell RKC Russian Style Truly Fit, 6:30pm Yoga Wednesdays Indi Go Artist Co-op 7pm Hatha Flow with Linda Lehovec Amara Yoga & Arts 5:30pm Ashtanga Full Primary Series with Lauren Quinn Amara Yoga & Arts 7pm Yoga Fundamentals with Grace Giorgio Amara Yoga & Arts 4:15pm Candlelight Hot Flow Yoga with Luna Pierson Amara Yoga & Arts 7pm

Miscellaneous F.I.N.D. Orphy Orpheum Children’s Science Museum, 1pm Raising Readers Rantoul Public Library 3:30pm

Sports, games, & recreation Pokemon Fan Club Rantoul Public Library 4pm

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WEEK AHEAD Jasmine is opening up homemade mustard April 9

Champaign-Urbana

Free!

This Monday, I will finally be able to open up the cup of homemade mustard that has been patiently waiting in the cool, dark kitchen cupboard for the past two weeks. Since mustard is made up of vinegar, ground mustard and sugar, it takes at least two weeks for all the flavors to meld, lest I want to dip a fry into an eye-watering vat of VINEGAR, and since I’ve now decided that I am too good for store-bought yellow mustard, I must put up with this agonizingly long wait. BUT IT’S SO WORTH IT. -- Jasmine Lee, Food & Drink Editor

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACKIE CHAN! April 7 ALL DAY Everywhere in the entire world FREE FOR ALL! 100 years and counting of Jackie Chan magic!

All the kicks, punches and karate chops have been distributed throughout America to you, the viewer, thanks to the Martial Combat Master, Jackie “The Drunken Master” Chan!

Jackie Chan was born, then he grew up, and one day, he will die. But today is not that day! Instead, celebrate Jackie’s birth with a fight or a family-friendly goof. Who could forget the animated Jackie Chan Adventures?

Or Rush Hour 3? Jackie Chan has been in more movies than me, and probably you, too (unless the person reading this is Larry Miller). So, get out there today and celebrate the Jackie way! Chantastic! -- Nick Martin, Managing Editor

Topless Female Dancers

18 to enter • Mon-Thurs 8pm - 1am Fri - Sat 8pm - 2am • $5 Cover (Always Hiring, We’ll Train)

Silver Bullet Bar

1401 E. Washington Urbana 217.344.0937

All U of I

Students Get In

FREE

Mon-Thurs

www.silverbulletbar.com

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Classifieds Place an Ad: 217 - 337 - 8337 Deadline: 2 p.m. Tuesday for the next Thursday’s edition.

Inde x Employment 000 Services 100 Merchandise 200 Transportation 300 Apartments 400 Other Housing/Rent 500 Real Estate for Sale 600 Things To Do 700 Announcements 800 Personals 900

• PLEASE CHECK YOUR AD! Report errors immediately by calling 337-8337. We cannot be responsible for more than one day’s incorrect insertion if you do not notify us of the error by 2 pm on the day of the first insertion.

• All advertising is subject to the approval of the publisher. The Daily Illini shall have the right to revise, reject or cancel, in whole or in part, any advertisement, at any time.

• All employment advertising in this newspaper is subject to the City of Champaign Human Rights Ordinance and similar state and local laws, making it illegal for any person to cause to be published any advertisement which expresses limitation, specification or discrimination as to race, color, mental handicap, personal appearance, sexual orientation, family responsibilities, political affiliation, prior arrest or conviction record, source of income, or the fact that such person is a student.

• Specification in employment classifications are made only where such factors are bonafide occupational qualifications necessary for employment.

• All real estate advertising in this newspaper is subject to the Federal Fair Housing Act of 1968, and similar state and local laws which make it illegal for any person to cause to be published any advertisement relating to the transfer, sale, rental, or lease of any housing which expresses limitation, specifications or discrimination as to race, color, creed, class, national origin, religion, sex, age, marital status, physical or mental handicap, personal appearance, sexual oientation, family responsibilities, political affiliation, or the fact that such person is a student.

• This newspaper will not knowingly accept any advertising for real estate that is in violation of the law. Our readers are informed that all dwellings advertised in this newspaper are available on an equal oppportunity basis.

Deadline:

2 p.m. Monday for the next Thursday’s edition.

Rates:

Billed rate: 43¢/word Paid-in-Advance: 37¢/word

Photo Sellers

30 words or less + photo: $5 per issue

Garage Sales

30 words in both Thursday’s buzz and Friday’s Daily Illini!! $10. If it rains, your next date is free.

Action Ads

• 20 words, run any 5 days (in buzz or The Daily Illini), $20 • 10 words, run any 5 days (in buzz or The Daily Illini), $10 • add a photo to an action ad, $10

14

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April 5 - 11, 2012

FOR RENT

APARTMENTS

rentals

APARTMENTS

Furnished/Unfurnished

Furnished/Unfurnished

410 APARTMENTS

Furnished/Unfurnished

410 APARTMENTS

Furnished/Unfurnished

410

PANTONE 138

217-384-5555 PANTONE 138

420 APARTMENTS

CHEAP

1 and 2 Bedroom Apartment $395-495/month Washer/Dryer August 2012 217-841-5407

PANTONE COOL GRAY 6

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PANTONE 6COOL GRAY 6 PANTONE 138 COOL GRAY PANTONE

PANTONE COOL GRAY 6

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2, 3 & 4 Bedroom FREE INTERNET (217) 337-8852 www.mhmproperties.com ----------

101 E. DANIEL CHAMPAIGN

PANTONE COOL GRAY 6

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Furnished

905 S. Locust 2br/balcony/laundry on site Newer furniture and flooring $750-795 Parking $35-50 217-766-2245

Lease a 3-5 bedroom unit and we will pay for your Fall semester books* PANTONE 138

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*$250 max per tenant and other restrictions apply.

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605 E. CLARK CHAMPAIGN 1 Bedroom FREE INTERNET

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311 E. Clark CHAMPAIGN 2 Bedroom FREE INTERNET

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205 S. SIXTH CHAMPAIGN

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Get out. Sound off. Champaign-Urbana.

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Unfurnished

430

513 W. Washington, C. Old Town Champaign 1 Bedroom Now Available. $450/mo.

Call 217-352-8540 or view at www.faronproperties.com

HOUSES FOR RENT

510

607 S. First Street 3 Bedroom House (217)328-3770 www.bankierapts.com Fall 2012

CAMPUS HOUSES 312 E. Clark, 4-5 person 303 S. Fifth, 4-5 person www.mhmproperties.com 337-8852

BIG HOUSE

8-10 Person 5 Baths FREE PARKING Pool Table, Rec-Room www.zhengrentals.com 841-5407

HOUSES FOR RENT Furnished 4 and 5 bedroom houses on campus near Stoughton and Sixth.

Fall 2012- 2013.

Call 356-1407. announcements

LOST & FOUND

810

Found Earring Found Monday, March 26 between the Undergrad and Grad Library.

Earring you describe you can have. waspi@illinois.edu

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808 S. OAK CHAMPAIGN 2, 3 & 4 Bedrooms $399 Special FREE INTERNET

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LookINg For someThINg wITh wheeLs ThaT moves?

FIND IT @

classifieds. dailyillini.com

readbuzz.com April 5 - 11, 2012

Don’t bring gummy worms to the buzz office. Sam will eat them all.

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY ARIES

March 21-April 19

Some people misunderstand the do-it-now fervor of the Aries tribe, thinking it must inevitably lead to carelessness. Please prove them wrong in the coming weeks.

Launch into the interesting new possibilities with all your exuberance unfurled. Refuse to allow the natural energy to get hemmed in by theories and concepts. But also be sure not to mistake rash impatience for intuitive guidance. Consider the likelihood that your original vision of the future might need to be tinkered with a bit as you translate it into the concrete details.

April 5 – 11, 2012

parents who’ve created bigger families. If bringing up one kid is so rewarding, maybe more would be even better.

I asked an acquaintance of mine, a man with six kids, how he had managed to pull off that difficult feat. He told me quite candidly, “My secret is that I’m not a good father; I’m very neglectful.” I offer up this story as a way to encourage you, at this juncture in your development, to favor quality over quantity.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23-Nov. 21

TAURUS

There is a possibility that a pot of gold sits at the end of the rainbow. The likelihood is small, true, but it’s not zero.

On the other hand, the rainbow is definitely here and available for you to enjoy. Of course, you would have to do some more work on yourself in order to gather in the fullness of that enjoyment. Here’s the potential problem: You may be under the impression that the rainbow is less valuable than the pot of gold. So let me ask you: What if the rainbow’s the real prize?

April 20-May 20

I expect there’ll be some curious goings-on this week.

A seemingly uninspired idea could save you from a dumb decision, for example. An obvious secret may be the key to defeating a covert enemy. And a messy inconvenience might show up just in time to help you do the slightly uncool but eminently right thing. Can you deal with this much irony, Scorpio? Can you handle such big doses of the old flippety-flop and oopsieloopsie? For extra credit, here are two additional odd blessings you could capitalize on: a humble teaching from an unlikely expert and a surge of motivation from an embarrassing excitement.

GEMINI

May 21-June 20

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22-Dec. 21

CANCER

June 21-July 22

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22-Jan. 19

“It’s eternity in a person that turns the crank handle,” said Franz Kafka. At least that should be the case, I would add. The unfortunate fact of the matter is that a lot of people let other, lesser things turn the crank handle -- like the compulsive yearning for money, power, and love, for example. I challenge you to check in with yourself sometime soon and determine what exactly has been turning your crank handle. If it ain’t eternity, or whatever serves as eternity in your world view, get yourself adjusted. In the coming months, it’s crucial that you’re running on the cleanest, purest fuel.

For a white guy from 19th-century England, David Livingstone was unusually egalitarian. As he traveled in Africa, he referred to what were then called “witch doctors” as “my professional colleagues.” In the coming weeks, Cancerian, I encourage you to be inspired by Livingstone as you expand your notion of who your allies are. For example, consider people to be your colleagues if they simply try to influence the world in the same ways you do, even if they work in different jobs or spheres. What might be your version of Livingstone’s witch doctors?

Go outside of your usual network as you scout around for confederates who might connect you to exotic new perspectives and resources you never imagined you could use.

LEO

July 23-Aug. 22

The flag of California features the image of a grizzly bear, and the huge carnivore is the state’s official animal. And yet grizzly bears have been extinct in California since 1922, when the last one was shot and killed. Is there any discrepancy like that in your own life, Leo? Do you continue to act as if a particular symbol or icon is important to you even though it has no practical presence in your life?

If so, this would be a good time to update your attitude.

VIRGO

Aug. 23-Sept. 22

The cartoon character Felix the Cat made his debut in 1919. He was a movie star in the era of silent films, and eventually appeared in his own comic strip and TV show.

But it wasn’t until 1953, when he was 34 years old, that he first got his Magic Bag of Tricks, which allowed him to do many things he wasn’t able to do before. I bring this up, Virgo, because I believe you’re close to acquiring a magic bag of tricks that wasn’t on your radar until you had matured to the point where you are now. To ensure that you get that bag, though, you will have to ripen even a bit more.

LIBRA

Sept. 23-Oct. 22

I have one child, a daughter, and raising her conscientiously has been one of the great privileges and joys of my life. Bonus: She has turned out to be a stellar human being. Every now and then, though, I get a bit envious of

jone sin’

by Matt Jones

“Cutting in Line”--hey, no fair!

Some of our pagan forbears imagined they had a duty to assist with nature’s revival every spring by performing fertility rituals. And wouldn’t it be fun if it were even slightly true that you could help the crops germinate and bloom by making sweet love in the fields? At the very least, carrying out such a ceremony might stimulate your own personal creativity. In accordance with the astrological omens, I invite you to slip away to a secluded outdoor spot, either by yourself or with a romantic companion. On a piece of paper, write down a project you’d like to make thrive in the coming months. Bury the note in the good earth, then enjoy an act of love right on top of it.

Once upon a time, I fell in love with a brilliant businesswoman named Loreen. I pursued her with all my wiles, hoping to win her amorous affection. After playing hard to get for two months, she shocked me with a brazen invitation: Would I like to accompany her on a whirlwind vacation to Paris? “I think I can swing it,” I told her. But there was a problem: I was flat broke. What to do? I decided to raise the funds by selling off a precious heirloom from childhood, my collection of 6,000 vintage baseball cards. Maybe this story will inspire you to do something comparable, Capricorn: Sacrifice an outmoded attachment or juvenile treasure or youthful fantasy so as to empower the future of love.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20-Feb. 18

We all know that spiders are talented little creatures.

Spiders’ silk is as strong as steel, and their precisely geometric webs are engineering marvels. But even though they have admirable qualities I admire, I don’t expect to have an intimate connection with a spider any time soon. A similar situation is at work in the human realm. I know certain people who are amazing creators and leaders but don’t have the personal integrity or relationship skills that would make them trustworthy enough to seek out as close allies. Their beauty is best appreciated from afar. Consider the possibility that the ideas I’m articulating here would be good for you to meditate on right now, Aquarius.

PISCES

Feb. 19-March 20

Have you ever had the wind knocked out of you? It feels weird for a short time, but leaves no lasting damage.

I’m expecting that you will experience a form of that phenomenon sometime soon. Metaphorically speaking, the wind will get knocked out of you. But wait -- before you jump to conclusions and curse me out for predicting this, listen to the rest of my message. The wind that will get knocked out of you will be a wind that needed to be knocked out -- a wind that was causing confusion in your gut-level intuition. In other words, you’ll be lucky to get that wind knocked out of you. You’ll feel much better afterwards, and you will see things more clearly.

Stumped? Find the solutions in the Classifieds pages.

Across

1 “The Alienist” author Carr 6 Stitch’s friend, in a Disney movie 10 Vegetable in Cajun cuisine 14 By itself 15 With 60-down, “The Price is Right” prize worth freaking out over 16 Lousy 17 End up winning and coming second at the same time?

20 One of a biblical 150 21 “___ the loneliest number...”

22 Start 26 “Yo, ___!”

28 AKC winner plus a mini Shetland?

31 Actress Skye of “Say Anything” 32 ___ bran muffins 33 It may be obtained in a bed 34 Blind followers 36 Honey ___ (KFC sauce) 38 Belgian city of WWI battles 42 Mai ___ (drink) 44 Lawyers’ gp.

46 Dinghy need 47 Soldier’s comment akin to “It’s time to join the line, dear”?

51 How some meds are taken 52 Wedding dress fabrics 53 Participate in a bee

54 Qatari leaders 57 Narrator’s goal to maximally project his voice?

63 Effortlessness 64 Insurance variety 65 Ex who gave “The Donald” his nickname 66 “South Park” co-creator Parker 67 Word in many Scottish place names 68 Spine-tingling

Down

1 Tube top?

2 Every last bit 3 Mauna ___ (macadamia nut brand) 4 End-of-letter abbr.

5 Went off like a microwave 6 Singer ___ Del Rey 7 Part of IHOP 8 “Brothers” in the 2008 market collapse 9 Come up short 10 It may include an “undecided” option 11 From Pyeongchang 12 Like violin bowstrings 13 Sciences’ counterpart 18 Defensive schoolyard retort 19 Unlike volunteer work 22 Suffix for an illness 23 “That’s not good...”

24 Fine-tune muscles 25 High school in a 1980s-90s fiction series 27 “Silent Spring” pesticide 29 Shoot the breeze 30 Facing the pitcher 35 Seafood-and-rice dish 37 Most Super Bowl MVPs 39 Political cartoonist Ted 40 The shallowest Great Lake 41 Tax return nos.

43 Beastie Boys album “Licensed to ___” 45 Union for voice-over artists (FAR AT anagram) 47 Adorable bunny feature 48 Open-ended ultimatum 49 Sight to take in 50 Down Under native 53 “Leave it in,” to a proofreader 55 Chess goal 56 Token in an old Monopoly set 58 Become droopy 59 “___ Been Everywhere” (Johnny Cash song) 60 See 15-across 61 Punk/folk singer DiFranco 62 No, in Robert Burns poems

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