Buzz Magazine: May 11, 2006

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buzz short fiction winner

On the Human Anatomy: A Proposal

By Jacob M. Ruefer

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GOOD-BYE COLLEGE, HELLO REALITY

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FANCY WINE SET TO LIVE MUSIC

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MOTHER-DAUGHTER DUO PICKS TOP 10 FLICKS

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HALF OF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

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Cover Design â&#x20AC;˘ Claire Napier Editor in chief â&#x20AC;˘ Erin Scottberg Art Director â&#x20AC;˘ Brittany Bindrim Copy Chief â&#x20AC;˘ Sara Sandock Listen, Hear â&#x20AC;˘ Anna Statham Stage, Screen & in Between â&#x20AC;˘ Elyse Russo Around Town â&#x20AC;˘ Lianne Zhang CU Calendar â&#x20AC;˘ Todd Swiss Photography Editor â&#x20AC;˘ Austin Happel Designers â&#x20AC;˘ Claire Napier, Nikita Sorokin, Allie Armstrong Calendar Coordinator â&#x20AC;˘ Brian McGovern Photography â&#x20AC;˘ Austin Happel Copy Editors â&#x20AC;˘ Sarah Goebel, Ruth McCormack, Meghan Whalen, Dan Petrella Staff Writers â&#x20AC;˘ Paul Prikazsky, Tatyana Safronova, Syd Slobodnik, Todd J. Hunter Contributing Writers â&#x20AC;˘ Michael Coulter, Seth Fein Sales Manager â&#x20AC;˘ Mark Nattier Production Manager â&#x20AC;˘ Rick Wiltfong Marketing/Distribution â&#x20AC;˘ Brandi Wills Publisher â&#x20AC;˘ Mary Cory

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First copy of Buzz is FREE, each additional copy is $.50 Š Illini Media Company 2005

First Things First â&#x20AC;˘ Michael Coulter

AROUND TOWN Senior send-off The Local Sniff â&#x20AC;˘ Seth Fein

LISTEN, HEAR Summer is too short to drink cheap beer â&#x20AC;˘ Leah D. Nelson Album reviews Soundground #125 â&#x20AC;˘ Todd J. Hunter Mother-daughter Top 15 albums â&#x20AC;˘ Anna and her mom

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STAGE, SCREEN & IN BETWEEN

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Contest Winner: On the Human Anatomy: A Proposal â&#x20AC;˘ Jacob M. Ruefer The Dirt Sheet â&#x20AC;˘ Andy Vecales Theater reviews Me and My Momâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Top 10 Mother/Daughter Flicks â&#x20AC;˘ Elyse and her mom Movie reviews Artistâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Corner with Mike Ortiz

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THE STINGER

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Doin it Well â&#x20AC;˘ Kim Rice & Kate Ruin Jonesinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Crosswords â&#x20AC;˘ Matt Gafney Free Will Astrology Likes and Gripes

erin scottberg EDITORâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S NOTE AZ

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â&#x20AC;&#x2122;m Nora, Erinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s mom ... fi rst you have to remember the only â&#x20AC;&#x153;writingâ&#x20AC;? Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve ever done ha s been g rocer y lists, letters, e-mails to my two college daughters and numerous excuses to Erinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s high school explaining why she was late, why she couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t participate in gym class for the rest of the week ... I think you get the message. So, please be patient with me.

This is to the graduating class â&#x20AC;&#x201D; youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re about to face your out-of-college future and enter what I call the â&#x20AC;&#x153;real world.â&#x20AC;? Up until now youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve had the luxury of experiencing life on your own within the safety net of college. Well, now life is here. Although some things today are much different than when I was your age, others are very much the same. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s all about facing adulthood, getting a job (if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re very fortunate, one in your chosen profession) and getting down to the nittygritty of living and someday raising a family.

In many ways I envy youth because thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s exactly what you have going for you ... youth (not that I want to be your age again). This is your time to take chances, try new things â&#x20AC;&#x201D; but just remember, whatever you do, whatever degree you have, however much money you have the potential of making, none of it matters if you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t act with integrity. Be sure when the day is over you can sleep without guilt.

Good luck to all of you in whatever road you travel. The world is a scary place, it always has been, but all in all, life is wonderful. You might think to yourself that Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m oversimplifying, but I really do believe itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s that simple.

B ETWEEN | CLASSIFIEDS | THE STINGER

Please indulge me while I tell you one of my simple pleasures in life: every Thursday morning, I grab a cup of coffee and log on to readbuzz.com and read Erinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s column. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh and sometimes I think â&#x20AC;&#x153;what the hell is she thinking?â&#x20AC;? ... Really, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the small things in life that sometimes carry the most meaning. Now Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll hand it back to Erin.

As youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll notice, this issue is scattered with the faces of some of our editorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s mothers â&#x20AC;&#x201D; for us, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a way to include our mothers in our lives while having some fun. I know some of the moms were a little leery of writing for a college magazine at fi rst, but Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m glad they changed their minds.

This is my last issue as editor in chief for a few months. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll be spending the summer in New York City working at Popular Mechanics as an American Society of Magazine Editors intern.

I do have to say, though, that I would not have this opportunity with all the support Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve received from my mother over the years. Sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a good lady and I love her dearly. Sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not even mad that because of this internship, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not graduating this semester. Therefore, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll be back next fall. Until then, Todd Swiss, our talented and diligent calendar editor, is taking over. I have no doubt heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s going to do an amazing job. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m going to have big shoes to fi ll when I return.

Before I sign off, I want to thank the spring staff â&#x20AC;&#x201D; this magazine is so luck to have such a great bunch of talented individuals. Coming to work was never boring, thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s for sure. Good luck to our graduating seniors: Claire, Lianne, Ruth, Dan, weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll miss you.

Adieu,

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buzz weekly •

A DRINK A DAY KEEPS THE SHRINK AWAY.

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michael coulter FIRST THINGS FIRST

“Adult” fish out of the water Porn stars on the stage

W

hen regular folks talk about the fine men and women who participate in pornography, they generally refer to them as “porn stars.” When it comes to having sex in front of a camera, the word “actor” just isn’t bandied about much. It really isn’t fair. Sure, one could argue that Tom Cruise often sucks and porn stars also do the same thing, albeit in a somewhat different manner, yet one is considered an actor and a star, the others just stars. It’s about time these public fornicators got their day in the sun (note: I meant this figuratively, but if they are in the sun, they should probably really lather on the sunscreen) and were recognized for their fine acting chops.

Well, my friends, I could not be happier than to tell you that there’s a new television show that will do exactly that. Fox Reality Cable is producing a show that will cast four female porn stars from the United States in a classic drama that will be performed on stage somewhere in London’s West End. They will, of course, get a sort of acting boot camp before they’re thrown in front of the persnickety British audience, but I’m guessing it won’t help all that much.

Finally, a reality show I sort of care about.

I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve watched a video and thought, “Wow, I wonder what her personality is like. I bet she’s really nice and smart and caring and probably not some sort of junkie who was molested by an uncle when she was 13.”

Well, now I get to find out. Sure we’ve all seen the insides of these women, but now we, at last, get to see what’s on the inside of these women, their feelings and their emotions ... oh, and also their acting ability.

I’m not sure whether it will turn out as badly as everyone assumes. I mean, these women truly act all of the time. Either that or they’re just overly prone to having orgasms at the drop of a hat.

I mean really, most of them have acted like they felt Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy was attractive enough to have intercourse with. They’ve acted like they don’t mind have three sweaty guys on top of them. They’ve acted like they have no shame. Fine, maybe that last one isn’t an act, but I still bet they act quite a lot.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s gonna be tough. I’m guessing the plays they are slated to act in aren’t the sort of fare they’re used to. It can’t be easy going from “Catcher in the Rear” to “Hamlet”

in a short period of time. It’s simply not the sort of language these girls are used to. I’m sure they could walk on the set of a gritty crime drama and hold their own, but a classic play with all those words and stuff is probably going to get a little tricky for them.

I only hope that when they discover this new culture, it doesn’t slop over to their day jobs back in regular adult movies. “Methinks the plumber is at the gate. What good fortune, as my pipes haven’t been cleaned in a fortnight? I wonder if, at my behest, he might ask his assistant to also help with the cleansing of my lines! Ooh yes, my love, thee enjoys that immensely.”

Thankfully, the show’s producers wisely decided to stick only to the female stars. The male stars just don’t seem to have the same prestige of their female counterparts. I think the general reason for this is because no one feels the men are doing anything out of the ordinary, just being creepy guys. Forget about any sort of acting. The men seem to act on simple physical impulse. No one is sitting in their house checking out some porn and saying “Wow, it really looked like that guy was ejaculating. I really felt he meant it and I totally associate with his character. What an actor!” I view men in pornography as a mandatory burden and they should be recognized no more than is absolutely necessary.

Regardless of male or female though, I have a strong feeling it’s not going to turn out well for these “actresses.” It’d be like me attempting to write a column that wasn’t sort of idiotic. For the first time in their careers, these ladies are going to have to remember more dialogue than they are accustomed to, something beyond “Ready to start?” “Yes.” They are going to have to learn more stage blocking than “Okay, at this point, throw your leg behind his ears and make sure you’re still exposing your good stuff.” They are going to have to impress an audience that doesn’t have its pants around its ankles. It’s probably more than they can handle.

On the up side, they probably won’t have to shower quite as frequently.

As I’m sure you’re aware, I’m excited about this new show. Still, like all reality shows, I’m pretty sure I’ll feel all creepy and weird about two minutes into it. I understand that the premise behind reality shows is to focus on the fish out of water, but I fear these fish will have strayed too far from the sea. Maybe not though, they’ve already accomplished more than I would ever care to.

OOPS! WE MADE A MISTAKE • Although buzz strives for accuracy, we sometimes make mistakes. If you catch something we didn’t,

please let use know at buzz@readbuzz.com. When a correction is needed, it will be listed here.

sounds from the scene

I NTRO | A ROUND TOWN | L ISTEN, HEAR | CU CALENDAR | STAGE, S CREEN &

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B ETWEEN | CLASSIFIEDS | THE STINGER

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around town

CONGRATULATIONS CLASS OF 2006 Words from ‘06 graduates

INTERVIEWS BY LIANNE ZHANG AND TATYANA SAFRONOVA PHOTOS BY CHRISTINA LEUNG

VIK CHAUDHRY I’m really gonna miss Thursdays at Firehaus and White Horse (where my band Shovelwrack plays).

ARTURO DEL REAL I’m definitely looking forward to getting a job, saving up money, traveling and proposing marriage in 3-4 years.

ROBYN EPSTEIN I’m definitely not gonna miss Lincoln Hall, or the smell of the farm fields and their “lack of beauty,” but I’m looking forward to medical school in Israel.

LILLIAN LEE I’m really gonna miss the people that I’m not that close to, but still love catching up with and running into once in a while. I’m gonna miss having that niche.

OUTGOING EDITOR’S NOTE This is my last issue as buzz’s Around Town Editor. I can’t believe how fast this semester has flown by. buzz has been an amazing experience for me and I am truly sad to be graduating and leaving this wonderful campus. I’d like to thank all my fellow editors, and especially Erin, for giving me the opportunity to be part of such an incredible team. I’d also like to welcome Tatyana, your new Around Town Editor — you’re going to be amazing. Last but not least, congratulations Class of 2006. WE DID IT! Best Wishes, –Lianne Zhang INCOMING EDITOR’S NOTE It’s f inally summer! It’s a bittersweet end and an exciting beginning, really, to a treacherous semester and to a slower-paced season in this town.

While I’m told I’ll melt in the heat — I can’t handle any weather extremes — I’ll be working as the new editor for the Around Town section of buzz. The torch, however, will be a heavy one to pass. Lianne has been an amazing editor — let’s just say her organizational skills surpass that of normal humans. And she is just wonderful. But with the help of the great staff and receptive readers, I know I’ll be able to publish my best work.

I’ve been writing for this section since the fall and I’ve made a little home for myself in its pages. I hope to develop it into a beautiful house, where you, the reader, will find your escape from your world.

–Tatyana Safronova

TO DO List before graduation These are just some of the things graduates want to be doing to soak up their last days of college freedom.

MATT FAIRBAIRN I’m not scared of anything, I can’t wait to go into the real world.

Timeline

CRAIG BLEAN I’m really scared of getting too many DUIs.

APRIL AGNELLO I’m really gonna miss the Altgeld bells.

LESLIE ELKINS I’m definitely not going to miss that smell, that poo smell.

1. Go to the stacks (for those who don’t know, it’s the famous kissy-kissy spot in the main library on the second floor; you need a pass) 2. Hang out and sleep on the quad 3. Party every night 4. Visit and take photos by the alma mater 5. Go to downtown Champaign bars and restaurants 6. Play beach volleyball 7. Go on a food crawl down Green Street (think bar crawl, but with restaurants) 8. Jump in the fountain by Hallene Gateway 9. Streak the Quad 10. Eat dorm food

It’s been four years, and you’ve made it! Now let us take a look back at the past four years and remember some of the events that helped shape your college experience into what it is today.

2001

2002

2003

For those of you on the five-year plan, here’s what happened the year YOU entered college.

Ja n ua r y 13

Feb rua r y 1

President Bush faints after having choked on a pretzel

Ja n ua r y

Fe b rua r y 12

Space Shuttle Columbia disintegrates over Texas, killing all 7 astronauts aboard

George W. Bush inaugurated

Trial of Slobodan Milosevic, President of the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, begins

Feb rua r y

August 8

Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman separate (nooo!)

Ma rc h 30

Ap ril 9

Septem be r 11

Queen Mother, Queen Elizabeth, dies

Airplanes piloted by terrorists hit the two World Trade Centers and the Pentagon, and one falls into a field in Pennsylvania

May

U.S. forces takes Baghdad, overthrowing Saddam Hussein’s regime

Mars Odyssey finds signs of water ice deposits on Mars

June

June

Martha Stewart indicted for insider trading

Octobe r 23

Dee Dee Ramone dies

August 14

iPod released

August

Blackout in U.S. East Coast, Midwest, and Canada

6381 freshmen enter the University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign as the Class of 2006

Octobe r

Novem be r 25

Bush signs Homeland Security Act into law, establishing Department of Homeland Security

SARS breaks out in Asia

Roy of Siegfried and Roy is mauled by a tiger on stage during a performance Octobe r 7

Californians recall Governor Gray Davis; Arnold elected Decem be r

Saddam Hussein captured

sounds from the scene

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buzz weekly •

REMEMBER, TODAY IS THE TOMORROW YOU WORRIED ABOUT YESTERDAY.

Advice from mom

In celebration of Mother’s Day, buzz editors wanted to do a special issue honoring our relationships with our mothers.

Here is some advice for all you graduates on life after college from Lianne Zhang’s and Tatyana Safronova’s mothers.

ADVICE FROM TATYANA’S MOM: VERA SAFRONOVA I’m very happy for everyone who will finish school this year, like my son, Pavel Safronov. What can I wish all of you but a good job and many wonderful encounters along the road of life? Most importantly, however, you have all become independent adults and so you will all be able to correctly manage your time between work, fun, sleep, taking care of your home, and all the other things.

A piece of advice about your budget — when you find out what your pay will be, sit down and make a list of the following: all of your bills, which include things like the rent, loans, phone, etc.; basic expenses, like bathroom necessities, food, etc.; entertainment expenses, making sure that after all of your basics are paid for, you try and go out as much as possible, or at least four times a month; your wardrobe, making sure to refresh it once every couple of months; and savings, remembering that you will absolutely need to save, even if only a little bit at a time. If you sit down once and count it all out, it will be the best and most reasonable thing you can do for yourselves. It’s important to understand that you cannot find yourselves without money, and you have to depend on yourselves; you are now adults.

If you have questions or any help when starting out, I don’t think your close ones will deny you the aid. And never be too shy to ask for their advice because they will always help you. As you become independent, don’t forget about your parents and be more tolerant of them. Good luck to you.

2004

Advice from professors

ADVICE FROM LIANNE’S MOM: KASEY CHEN This year’s Mother’s Day is one of my most special ones since I have been a mother. My little girl Lianne (she will always be a little girl in my eyes) will graduate from college. She will step into the next phase of her life; into society at large. I have some words for her as well as all of you, of what you might face as you embrace your new world.

1. Some of life’s most valuable lessons can’t be found in textbooks: Since you have graduated from college, you may think you won’t have to worry about homework being due or cramming for exams.

However, you are now entering the university of society and learn knowledge not from books, but from daily life, You have to rent a room or an apartment, hold your own bank account, health insurance, car insurance, etc... Don’t be too hard on yourselves. Learn from your parents’, friends’ and coworkers’ experiences, as well as learning from any other outside resources.

2. Never think you have learned enough: Even though you have chosen a specific major in college, you still may not know what truly interests you. Don’t limit yourselves to jobs solely in your major when looking for a job. Your knowledge is always not enough for your life. Always be willing to learn more. You can start any kind of job. It doesn’t matter if it is related to your major. Your first job is only the beginning. You take part in the progress and find out what you have to learn to meet the needs of your life.

3. Never think you are too old to learn: Learning is a necessity for your whole life. If you want to have a good life, learn to make the right decisions and get a good life. No learning, no good life.

PROFESSOR JUDITH PINTAR — SOCIOLOGY Be curious! Live life as if it’s a puzzle to be figured out, rather than a game to be won, and your brain cells will last you longer.

Be surprising! Confound people’s expectations by becoming something more complicated than what they assumed you were going to become.

Be impractical! If you always make the most efficient choices, nothing interesting will happen to you on the way to wherever you think you’re going — you’ll only get there early and have nothing to do.

Be nosy! Hearing other people’s opinions reveals almost nothing about them; people will only become real to you when you get them to tell you why they believe what they believe.

Be adventurous! Visit the worlds outside of your comfort zone, and eat whatever gets put on your plate. You will survive the intestinal effects.

Be responsible! If you don’t like something about the world, change it — or somebody else will, and you know they’ll just make it worse.

Be Toto! Pay attention when The Man behind the curtain tells you to pay no attention to The Man behind the curtain. Pretty good chance he’s not actually a giant head.

PROFESSOR PAUL SCOTT CARNEY — ELECTRICAL AND COMPUTER ENGINEERING I think that years from now my clearest memory from this semester will be of two groups who both had successful, even prize winning projects who have both asked to have access to the lab after the normal close of class for the semester. They know their grades are set. They know that I will happily write them strong letters of reference. And yet they want to return to the lab to improve their projects because they are engineers and they know they could do better. This attitude is one of the reasons that our graduates are the most highly sought in the world and it is why they are such a joy to teach. I have only limited advice for our graduating seniors.

As a group I have found them to be mature, competent, trustworthy and possessing sound judgment. They don’t really need my advice anymore. Perhaps in ten years I would remind them of who they are today.

2005

2006

Ja n ua r y 4

Ma rc h 23

Ja n ua r y 19

NASA’s MER-A (Spirit) lands on Mars

The U.S. 11th Circuit Court of Appeals’ 2-1 decision refuses to order the reinsertion of Terri Schiavo’s feeding tube.

Terrorist commits suicide in Tel Aviv, killing himself and injuring 19 others.

Ap ril 4

Feb rua r y 22

The one billionth song is purchased from Apple iTunes.

May 6

Pope John Paul II dies; over 4 million travel to Vatican to mourn him.

Last episode of Friends airs on NBC

May 19

June 5

Springfield, Illinois is hit with its biggest storm in over fifty years.

Former president Ronald Reagan dies at age 93

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith released, breaking the opening day box office record with $50,013,859

August 13

August 29

The 2004 Summer Olympics begin in Athens, Greece.

Hurricane Katrina hits and destroys much of the U.S. Gulf Coast.

Fe b rua r y 29

Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King wins 11 Academy Awards, one in each category it was nominated in

Octobe r 20

Boston Red Sox defeat the New York Yankees in Game 7 of the ALCS, an unprecedented comeback from being down three games to none.

Novem be r 13

Novem be r 2

Decem be r 8

U.S. presidential election; President George W. Bush defeats Senator John Kerry.

Southwest Airlines Flight 1248 overshoots the runway at Chicago Midway Airport, killing a 6-year-old boy and injuring 11 other people.

sounds from the scene

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Surgeons in France carry out the first human face transplant.

Ma rc h 12

Ap ril 21

Faith Hill and Tim McGraw kick off their Soul2Soul II Tour 2006 in Columbus Ohio.

May 13 – 14

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign Class of 2006 Commencement Ceremonies. CONGRATULATIONSCLASS OF 2006!

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buzz weekly

LET’S HAVE SOME NEW CLICHES.

seth fein THE LOCAL SNIFF

How Much Do You Love Your Cat? A lot? Good! Now order it a NY Strip, you dumbshit ...

FIRST SNIFF My nex t decl a r at ion might disqualify me as a man in the truest sense of the word, but sometimes, in order to form a more perfect column, one must go out on a limb and admit to things that ... well ... fuck it.

There is nothing wrong with this anyhow.

I love my cats. Plain and simple. Crimson and Clover are as dear to me as anything in the world.

Some people, like a certain potential father-inlaw, seem to believe that real men don’t love cats.

Well, I have a thing or two that I could say to him about what makes a man, but I digress.

Back to my point. I love my cats. They turn seven years old in August, and aside from a seasonal skin allerg y on Clover, they have been in near perfect health for the duration of their lives.

How can that be you ask?

Simple. I don’t deprive them of their instinctual need for meat.

UNDERSTANDING DEFINITIONS PT. 1?

See, this whole thing started when I found out last week that, generally speaking, felines are not capable of leading healthy lives on a

vegetarian diet. My friend is a Vet student and a vegetarian. She hates the meat industry. But she knows that there are a few components in animal meat that are essential to a cat’s diet.

Sure enough, the next night, I met a nice couple who were insistent that it is okay to keep their cat a vegan.

I scoffed and they snarled. I argued and they argued back. It was awkward, but I felt as though I had no choice but to tell them that what they were doing was borderline abusive. I felt strange about saying it, but I also felt like that was my duty. Just the same way that I tell people to can it when I hear them use the N-word, I felt that it was only fair for me to tell them how harmful they were being.

They went into how they were radically against the meat industr y and were vegans themselves, so they decided that they wanted nothing to do with feeding their cat any meat products, despite the fact that felines are, in fact, obligate carnivores.

I wonder. Do they know what that means?

Cats aren’t omnivorous the way humans and canines are. Cats are carnivores. Sure, they’ll sniff around and chew on a flower here and there, but have you ever seen a cat’s teeth? Those didn’t evolve that way from chewing on lettuce.

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A LITTLE RESEARCH — FOR ONCE Most times, I just spout off about whatever I believe to be true, paying little attention to empirical evidence, as I’ve always found it to be rather boring. But in this particular situation, based on these people insisting that there wasn’t enough evidence to convince them that meat was essential to a cat’s diet, I went ahead and looked around, asked a few questions and came up with some hard facts.

According to one veterinarian in town, it is absolutely essential for a cat to eat meat. This person has seen clients who have insisted on keeping their cats vegetarians, despite the fact that they were suffering from chronic vomiting and fevers.

In the North American Veterinary Conference Journal, it states specif ically: “Cats are obligate carnivores and vegetarian foods for cats are exceedingly difficult to make and should not be attempted by any client.”

It also recommends a certain amount of taurine, arachidonic acid and linoleic acid in a cat’s diet.

Theses are found in meat and cannot, according to four different vets in town, be synthesized well enough to fulfill a cat’s needs.

UNDERSTANDING DEFINITIONS PT. II? Gotta cat who’s a vegetarian? You are an animal abuser. Plain and simple. You are being abusive of to your cat. You are depriving your cats of what they need in order to survive. That, my friends, is maltreatment. And anyhow, who the fuck are you to impose your socio-political views onto your cat? How would you like it if you were given cardboard to eat instead of actual sustenance because your “master” didn’t believe

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in the WHOLE food industry? Well, essentially, that’s what you are doing.

THE VERY DEFINITION OF HYPOCRISY — AT THE ENDS OF A (GULP!) LIBERAL! It’s funny to me that these vegans and vegetarians are so against cruelty toward animals yet can’t understand that depriving a feline of meat-based proteins is tantamount to starvation in a way.

Hey, I am against the meat-packing industry as much as the next dude who eats meat and loves it but just can’t stand to think about how it comes about. I feel bad about it. I really do. But I can’t align with any group of people who believe that depriving a cat of its basic dietary needs as a fair and reasonable way to protest that industry. It’s abusive.

End of story. Please consider compromising with your veterinarian and allow them to guide you in finding a healthy balance that reflects your beliefs and also keeps your cat healthy. Please.

FINAL WHIFF I hate to sound so harsh, but some things are just so far beyond me that I end up laughing soon after I get angry. This is one of those situations.

Perhaps the veggie cat down the street from you will lead a long and prosperous life without any health problems whatsoever.

And perhaps I will not die of lung cancer from smoking.

Yeah. Perhaps.

Seth Fein is from Urbana. For those of you who would like to protest this column, please send your veggie cats to his office at 1103 W. Oregon St. Suite #113. He will be sure to give them some sirloin. He can be reached at sethfein1@gmail.com.

sounds from the scene

7

listen, hear

I

SUMMER IS TOO SHORT TO DRINK CHEAP BEER LE AH D. NE LS

ON • STAF F W

The casual atmosphere is what local musician Candy Foster likes about the concerts at Alto.

“It’s something that’s different and out there,” Foster said.

“You can bring your lawn chair and just hang out. It’s just a pleasant atmosphere.”

His appearance with his band, Candy Foster and Shades of Blue, drew record crowds of 500-plus to Alto Vineyards during last year’s concert season, Wallace said.

“That was pretty much my big debut there,” Foster said. This year, Shades of Blue will open the concert series on Saturday, May 13 from 7:30-10:30 p.m. Foster said that he is excited about the ensemble’s newest addition, vocalist Sandy Phillips.

Local fans have referred to Shades of Blue as “CU’s best-kept secret.” The eightpiece band is high-powered a nd h a s a lot of energ y, according to Foster.

“We hit it pretty hard,” he said. “I kind of generate that kind of clap-your-hands, getout-there-and-dance [vibe]. I interact with people as much as I can.”

Shades of Blue will also play on Sept. 9 and at Alto Vineyard’s Fall Festival on Sept. 16.

“There’s always a crowd ever y time Candy Foster plays,” Wallace said.

The Fall Festival runs from 4-11 p.m., with two bands pl ay i n g. A lt o V i ne ya rd s add s 2 -3 d i f ferent ba nd s each year to the line-up to keep it fresh. One of the new bands is the classic rock band Unf inished Business, who will open the Fall Festival before Candy Foster and Shades of Blue.

At each concert, light food, like cheese and crackers, is available along with wine. Coolers are no longer allowed on site, because of problems w ith people smugg l ing in other alcohol.

The Music A mong the Vi nes concer t ser ies r uns on Saturdays from May 13 to Sept. 30, from 7:30-10:30 p.m. each night. The only exception is June 23, when former CU residents and blues musicians Keith and Kathy Harden play on Friday from 6-9 p.m. The cover charge is three dol lars per person, and plent y of parking is available at the vineyard.

“I think they’ve got a great thing going,” Foster said of the concert series. “It’s great to be a part of it.”

Other performers in this summer’s lineup at the award winning vineyard include Shadows of Doubt on June 10 and July 8, Alma Afrobeat Ensemble on July 15 and Bruiser and the Virtues on July 22. Alto Vineyards is located at 4210 N. Duncan Road, Champaign. Find out more at their Web site, www.altovineyards.net. buzz PHOTO BY AUSTIN HAPPEL

n a quiet country setting on the northwest edge of Champaign sits Alto Vineyard, a branch of the award-winning Southern Illinois vineyard that opened locally in 2001. On Sunday afternoon, the sun shines down on the grassy field next to the empty wooden lattice structure, covered in vines and decorated with strings of clear light bulbs, attached to a covered stage area. A cobblestone path divides the wine garden in half.

Next week the structure will be filled with chairs and people as the third annual Music Among the Vines Concert Series kicks off on Saturday, May 13.

RITER

Attached to the field is a deck that will be absent of chairs on Saturday night, said owner and general manager Jim Dubnicek.

“People just demanded a place to dance,” he said.

The concerts are rain or shine, said Alto Vineyards general manager Chris Wallace, and are moved inside in the case of inclement weather.

Wallace said that between 200-500 people come to each concert.

“Our Southern Illinois site has festivals five times a year, and we wanted to do something like that,” Wallace said. It also helps the vineyard compete with the area’s abundant bar scene. Music varies from blues and jazz to Cajun and '60s and '70s rock.

The concerts offer free wine tasting as well. Patrons can sample three to four different wines in the main building and can buy wine by the glass from windows at the building closest to the stage.

“Everything is done outside,” Dubnicek said. The vineyard produces white, blush and red wines. The menu in the building’s window reads: “Remember: life is too short to drink cheap beer!”

But, according to Wallace, Alto Vineyard is a family atmosphere.

Many concert-goers bring their children.

There are enough chairs in the wine garden to seat about 100, Dubnicek said, and chairs with umbrellas are set up on the grassy square.

sounds from the scene

SCHEDULE Sat. May 13 – Candy Foster & the Shades of Blue (Blues) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Sat. May 20 – The Painkillers (Jazz) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Sat. May 27 – The Impalas (Blues) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Sat. June 3 – Unfinished Business (Classic Rock) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Sat. June 10 – Shadows of Doubt (‘60s & ‘70s) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Sat. June 17 – Jeff Helgesen & Rachael Lee (Jazz) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Fri. June 23 – Keith & Kathy Harden (Blues) 6-9 p.m.

Sat. June 24 – Blues Deacons (Blues) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Sat. July 1 – Tom Turino & Big Groove Zydeco (Zydeco & Cajun) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Sat. July 8 – Shadows of Doubt (‘60s & ‘70s) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Sat. July 15 – Alma Afro Beat Ensemble 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Sat. July 22 – Bruiser & the Virtues (Jump Blues & Jazz) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Sat. July 29 – Jeff Helgesen & Rachael Lee (Jazz) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Sat. Aug. 5 – Tom Turino & Big Groove Zydeco (Zydeco & Cajun) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Sat. Aug. 12 – Blues Deacons (Blues) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Sat. Aug. 19 – Grooveyard (Jazz) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Sat. Aug. 26 – Jeff Helgesen & Rachael Lee (Jazz) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Sat. Sept. 2 – Candy Foster & the Shades of Blue (Blues) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Sat. Sept. 9 – The Impalas (Blues) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Sat. Sept. 16 – FALL FESTIVAL 4-7 p.m. Unfinished Business (Classic Rock) 8-11 p.m.

Candy Foster & the Shades of Blue (Blues) Sat. Sept. 23 – Jazz Mayhem (Jazz) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

Sat. Sept. 30 – Blues Deacons (Blues) 7:30-10:30 p.m.

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album REVIEW CHEAP TRICK Dream police (Reissue)

PEARL JAM Pearl Jam

[Sony]

[J-Records]

BY GAVIN GIOVAGNOLI

BY JARON BIRKAN

Cheap Trick was always one of the most underrated bands in the rock pantheon. Lumped by many into the arena-rock epidemic that plagued the late 1970s, the band (and its famous repeating logo) was always too smart for that genre. They never pandered to audiences and were one of the few bands in that era that were able to write consistently great and fun rock records.

The band practically invented modern powerpop, fusing the heavy guitar squall of metal with the unfettered melodicism of psychedelia. Over the course of five years (from 1977 to 1982), they were one of the few bright spots in rock, rising out of the waning acidity of punk and preceding much of the spare detachment of New Wave.

Their records were drenched in irony, but the band never took themselves too seriously, always seemingly laughing at the fact that listeners were taking what they espoused at face value. Even their biggest hit, the live version of “I Want You To Want Me” was an exercise in pop slightness, and much of its appeal lies in the sheer jubilation Robin Zander’s voice has in singing those famous lines at the Budokan arena in Tokyo.

Dream Police, their fourth album, is certainly not their best but it retains much of what made this band so great. As always, the hooks are tight, the power chords are sharp and the ballads never drain the overall quality of the album.

At times, though, the album is too involved in itself, and the band becomes too self-aware for its own good. It seems that the band, in their incredible fame, forgot the necessity of simplicity. Too many of the tracks are layered with unnecessary strings, ultimately diluting their power.

Much of the requisite irony is also gone.

While “Dream Police” is still an excellent song (with one of guitarist Rick Nielsen’s best

First taste of this avocado is served in a severely forthright fashion — top half of a globe swirled in f lames, centered on America — with the Administration-angst ridden single “World Wide Suicide.” Regardless of what avocados have to do with politics, Pearl Jam’s eighth studio effort kicks off sonically in gasoline-doused, bonfire madness. It’s a good six tracks deep before Eddie and Co. unplug and smother the flames with a sappy throw-away called “Parachutes.” At this point you get a chance to see the titles of its predecessors — “Life Wasted,” “Comatose,” “Severed Hand” — and realize why the album was cut nameless.

guitar solos), its message of Big Brother and “The dream police they live inside of my head/The dream police they come to me in my bed” does not fit a band accustomed to an easy suburban milieu.

However, it is a testament to the band’s strengths that they manage to make it work.

This reissue includes a bonus remix of “Dream Police,” a no-string version that is a more accurate depiction of the band’s strength, with Rick Nielsen’s high-pitched harmony adding the humor seen so often in Cheap Trick’s songs.

Nonetheless, Dream Police includes one of the band’s unduly ignored gems, “Way of the World.” A power ballad about the wake of an old unrequited love, Zander’s voice deftly revolves around a strong harmony, duly suited for the best in pop music. The song includes just enough dedication to ingratiate the listener, but still leaves a lot unsaid. Nielsen’s guitar fills in the rest, his power chords restoring the hardness and humor fans have always loved.

Most people, even the music conscious, almost forget PJ kept making albums after Yield, or even Vitalogy. Binaural? Riot Act? Solid albums, but the energy of Ten and Vs. came in sputters, at best. Pearl Jam, the band’s first in four years, is the return to the grunge-era chaos that spawned them. Vedder’s vocals are noticeably beaten, but only in the way a 41-year-old rock-star’s should be — tinged with a fine and wise rasp, guttural and raw as ever. “Comatose” alone sounds like it should’ve shredded the singer’s throat all the way to the emergency room. Stone Gossard flanges into the spotlight on the ethereal “Army Reserve.”

Matt Cameron taps into his “Spoonman” days, all raucously precise as to keep in step with the ultimate fuel to this social commentary’s fire, lead guitarist McCready whipping through verse after verse of sandpaper-abrasive power chords and shoulder-jerk fills.

When the flames do start to flutter for good, the record fades away in eerie, post-battlefield destruction. “Gone” and “Inside Job” are finely crafted somber ballads with full-band hopeless rock endings; Eddie wailing, “If nothing is everything then I will have it all.” But the charge to this sorrow, if anything, shows us that there’s hope yet. Because on the other side of all this hellfire rock and roll, lays the ashes of our crumbling political situation and the sense that everything can be learned from nothing.

Torricelli & Limentato Attorneys at Law

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217-355-5510

Email: ktorrice@tllawfirm.com 2504 Galen Drive Suite 101 Champaign, IL

Concentrating In: Injury Cases Vehicle Accidents Death Cases Altercations Traffic/Criminal Defense Ordinance Violations Wills/Trusts/TAX Real Estate Transactions

“A team of lawyers working for you.”

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sounds from the scene

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buzz weekly •

E-MAIL IS FOR GEEKS AND PEDOPHILES.

soundground #125THIS WEEK IN MUSIC

9

[ PARASOL TOP TEN ] 1. MATTHEW SWEET & SUSANNA HOFFS Under The Covers Vol. 1

TODD J. HUNTER • STAFF WRITER

Shout Factory

M a rk Rubel, Lifet ime Achievement winner at the WPGU-buzz Local Music Awa rd s 2 0 0 6 , a d r oit l y juggles yet another job: “expert audio witness for law f irms who specialize in sampling infringement cases.” Rubel elaborates: “Basically I determine if something is sampled or not, and explain what that is and what it means to a judge and jury.”

One example is the dispute over “Ready to Die”

by Notorious BIG, which samples “Singing in the Morning” by Ohio Players — without permission. According to BBC News, the music companies with the rights to “Singing in the Morning” were awarded more than four million dollars in damages; Bad Boy Entertainment, Bad Boy LLC, Justin Combs Publishing, and Universal Records intend to appeal.

New Ruins is at work on a full-length in a different style from prior releases A Collection and Hotter Months. The full-length is being self-produced at the duo’s home studio and Midget Pistol in Westville. New Ruins is vocalist-guitarist-keyboardist Elzie Sexton and vocalist-guitarist-percussionist J. Caleb Means;

WHAT THE HELL?! moment of the week

Sexton and Means seek additional instrumentalists in order to perform the new material live. New Ruins plays on Friday at Channing-Murray Foundation with The Dolphin and Mit’n. Show time is 9 p.m., and cover is $4.

2. JOHNOSSI S/T

Updates/Corrections Nadaf inga will now open for Mandroid (Destroyers of the Human Race), tonight at Cowboy Monkey. Show time now is 10:30 p.m., and cover still is $4.

4. THE CORAL SEA Volcano And Heart

Lanterna’s Chicago record release for Desert Ocean is May 19, not May 16. Also, in both Chicago and Champaign, French producer Hector Zazou will not open for Lanterna, but instead play with Lanterna. The opening bands for the Champaign show are Pulsar47 and The Invisible.

6. ELOPE 3WD

V2 Scandinavia

3. JON AUER Songs From The Year Of Our Demise Pattern 25

Hidden Agenda

5. LAND OF TALK Applause Cheer Boo Hiss

3'!()%4%5'.6%3)'2.1#"',7%3)(7(,#78

Graduation Party 2006!

Saturday, May 13

Dependent Music

Todd J. Hunter hosts WEFT Sessions and Champaign Local 901, two hours of local music every Monday at 10 p.m. on WEFT 90.1 FM. He also wonders after last week how it is possible Terminus Victor is not famous. Send news to soundground@excite.com. Support your scene to preserve your scene.

Gravitation

7. FLIN FLON Dixie Teenbeat

No Cover! $1 Drinks

Ftr: watery domesti c, Shipwreck, The Hubbards

Monday, May 15

8. JACKIE O MOTHER FUCKER Candyland JOMF

9. THE 303S Lines Of Parallel Minds Cult Hero

10. LUCY SHOW Mania

!"#$%&#'()*&+,#-./012

Wednesday, May 17

Words On Music

Thur sday , May 18 &9:;%:<0=%:>*?:45@ AB%C"27$"D#/%E()'%F+7( Saturday, May 20

MOTHER / DAUGHTER

TOP 15 ALBUMS

PHOTO COURTESY OF MURDERDOG.COM

ANNA STATHAM AND HER MOM • LISTEN, HEAR

One man is dead following a fracas between Atlanta-based rapper T.I., his entourage, and some local yokels in Cincinnati. After a concert, the newly successful T.I. (née Clifford Harris) and friends headed to the extremely rough Club Ritz (a joint local lawmakers have been striving to strip of its liquor license for years) for some after-hours partying. Tensions flared when one of T.I.’s friends started throwing cash (something that’s quite on hand for T.I., who sound-scanned over a half million copies of his last record in the first week alone) to girls at the club. T.I. and friends fled in minivans, the local yokels gave pursuit, and at about 3 a.m., shots were exchanged on I-75, the main drag in town. One man was killed, and several others injured. I guess people hate free money.

!"#$%&'##()%*$+,%-.,(/%0"1+"2+

Thursday, May 11

Thur s d a y , June 1

Wednesday, June 7 ANNA’S TOP 15

MOM’S TOP 15

01 Wilco Summer Teeth 02 Damien Rice O 03 Van Morrison Moondance 04 The Merediths A Closed Universe 05 Cat Stevens Tea For the Tillerman 06 Lou Bega Mambo No. 5 07 Beatles Abbey Road 08 Oasis (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?

09 Modest Mouse Good News For People Who Love Bad News 10 The Postal Service Give up 11 Jack Johnson In Between Dreams 12 CocoRosie La Maison De Mon Reve 13 Kanye West College Dropout 14 Smashing Pumpkins Siamese Dream 15 Michael Franti & Spearhead Everyone Deserves Music

01 David Gray White Ladder 02 Leo Sayer All The Best 03 Phoebe Snow Phoebe Snow 04 Van Morrison Inarticulate Speech of the Heart 05 Supertramp Even In the Quietest Moments 06 Little River Band Greatest Hits 07 Norah Jones Come Away With Me 08 Enya Memory of Trees 09 The Moody Blues To Our Children’s Children’s Children 10 Harry Connick, Jr. When Harry Met Sally 11 Simon and Garfunkel Bridge Over Troubled Waters 12 Elton John Don’t Shoot Me I’m the Only Piano Player 13 Coldplay Politik 14 Al Green Let’s Stay Together 15 Lou Rawls Natural Man

West Coast Hip Hop

Wednesday, June 14

Thursday, June 29

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9:;(!11<=)>9?(@>A!BC1DDD sounds from the scene

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TAKING A CUE FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY, EVENTS OF HIGH PRIORITY HAVE BEEN LABELED IN ORANGE.

THU. MAY 11

PUZZLE pg. 18

Live Bands â&#x20AC;&#x153;Gh0st- CD Release Partyâ&#x20AC;?

Cowboy Monkey 6pm, free Real Live Tigers, Super Famicom, Dan Solomon, Blanketarms, Tinyfolk The Attic 7pm, free Central High Jazz Combos Iron Post, 7:30pm, $2 Leslie Barry, Lauren Lapointe Aroma Cafe 8pm, free Stella Polaris, Hotter than June Canopy Club 8pm, $7 Caleb Rose Bowl Tavern 9pm, free Caleb Cook Tommy Gâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 9pm cover Will Rogers Band Neil St. Pub, 10pm, free

Mandroid (Destroyers of the Human Race), Nadafinga Cowboy Monkey, 10pm, $4 Eclectic Theory Joeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Brewery 10:30pm, cover Concerts Doctor of Musical Arts Recital: Chu-chun Liang, piano Smith Recital Hall 2pm, free Doctor of Musical Arts Recital: Darryl Friesen, piano Smith Recital Hall 7:30pm, free DJ Generic DJ Jacksonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s RibsN-Tips, 8pm, cover Zen Thursdays: DJ Asiatic Soma, 9pm, free Metal Thursday: DJ Dirtleg, DJ Vance Highdive 10pm, free DJ Limbs Boltini 10:30pm free

Karaoke Liquid Courage Karaoke Radmakerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s, 7pm, free Boneyard Karaoke Memphis on Main, 7:30pm free â&#x20AC;&#x153;Gâ&#x20AC;? Force Karaoke Piaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s of Rantoul, 9pm, free Liquid Courage Karaoke The Office, 10pm, free Film Pink Panther Virginia Theatre, 7pm, $3 Miscellaneous Reading Rainbow Book Signing Party Barnes & Noble, 5:30pm, free Family Fun â&#x20AC;&#x153;Funfareâ&#x20AC;? Urbana Free Library, 10:30am, free Mind / Body / Spirit Carle Cancer Support Group Carle Foundation Hospital 6pm, free Bariatric Support Group Carle Foundation Hospital 6:30pm, free

FRI. MAY 12 Live Bands Billy Galt Blues Barbecue 11:30am, free

Real Live Tigers Super Famicom Dan Solomon Blanketarms Tiny Folk

DJ DJ Elise Boltini, 6pm, free DJ Dance Party Canopy Club 8pm, cover DJ LNO Nargile, 9pm, free before 10pm DJ Delayney Barfly 10pm free DJ Tim Williams Highdive 10pm, $5 DJ Mertz Boltini 10:30pm free Karaoke Liquid Courage Karaoke The Brickhouse, 9pm, free Lectures / Discussions â&#x20AC;&#x153;Stem Cells in the Skinâ&#x20AC;?

Chemical and Life Science Laboratory 4pm, free Miscellaneous Senior Class Tent Party The Quad, 5pm, free Parkland College 2006 Commencement Krannert Center 8pm, free

May 11th, 7pm The Attic (503 W. Green St., Apt), Free or Donations

Yellowcard played at Assembly Hall about a week ago and naturally, I am living in agonizing regret for not attending. Seriously, I toss and turn at night like bratwurst on the grill. One of my friends, however, happened about free tickets and decided to put them to use. Besides completely making fun of every band that went on stage, he commented on how histrionic and staged everything seemed.

All the typical â&#x20AC;&#x153;youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re the best crowd evah!â&#x20AC;? jive and forced staged banter with edgy swear words to make all the preteens in attendance dangerous and cool. All the generic songs about love lost filled with unreal amount of clichĂŠ sadness along with the boy band-like choreography of jumping off of amps and kicking into the air just seemed robotic and fake. Well, maybe I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t feel soo bad about missing it.

Jazz Mayhem Iron Post 5pm free The New Orleans Jazz Machine Cowboy Monkey 5:30pm free Grass Roots Revival Kickapoo Canoe Landing 5:30pm free Indie Rock Show: New Ruins, The Dolphin, Mitâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;n, Joeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Imagination Channing Murray Foundation, 8pm $4 Dan, Bob and Joni Hubers 8pm, free Boat Drunks Fat City Saloon 8:30pm, cover Country Connection Rose Bowl Tavern, 9pm, $1 Mother Popcorn Iron Post 9pm, cover Candy Foster and the Shades of Blue Cowboy Monkey 9:30pm, $4 Kellyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Heroes Tommy Gâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 9:30pm, cover Will Rogers Band Neil St. Pub, 10pm, $3

SAT. MAY 13

S.COM

CORD HMAPRE

WWW.O

This week, the complete opposite of the Assembly Hall concert is taking place at a free house show on Green Street. Here are five artists that are only real and pure and true in their music. Super Famicom, from our own great state, takes one odd metaphor and translates it to an entire three minute pop song. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I am a blanket with a boy maskâ&#x20AC;? he sings and the rest of his song gives the autobiography of the super absorbent life he leaves and the love he finds in it.

Real Live Tigers, hailing from Austin, says he writes the songs you â&#x20AC;&#x153;sing to yourself when you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t fall asleep or are on the bus late at night on your way home from work.â&#x20AC;? RLT conjures up those nameless folk songs weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve all heard in passing but couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t sing the words or know who wrote them. Russ and Isaac of Tiny Folk and Blanketarms respectively run the Do It Yourself Label Pookmonster! Records and both play simple but excellent pop songs. Dan Solomon, in sharp contrast, is a spoken word artist and has collaborated with Real Live Tigers in the past. His work though is just as impressive though entirely different from the rest of the artists. Make it out to the Attic and be amazed by the world outside of the stage-diving and faux moshing of Yellowcard.

Live Bands Seven Degrees From Center, Kwench, About The Fire, Shot Baker, Filtered Through Independent Media Center 6pm, $5 Roy Marcelin w/ Paul Sabuco The Hideaway 7pm, cover Grass Roots Revival Pages for All Ages, 7pm, free Music Among the Vines: Candy Foster and the Shades of Blue Alto Vineyards, 7:30pm, $3 Ray Miner Borders 8pm free New Twang City Hubers 8pm free The Painkillers Memphis on Main, 8:30pm, $4 Country Connection Rose Bowl Tavern, 9pm, $1 Big Grove Zydeco Iron Post 9pm, cover

Center for Women in Transition Kids Night

Dancing Learn To Dance: Salsa Class Old Urbana Post Office 7pm, $35 for 6 weeks Learn To Dance: Swing Class Old Urbana Post Office 8pm, $35 for 6 weeks Karaoke Liquid Courage Karaoke Geoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 9pm, free Film Underworld: Evolution Virginia Theatre, 7pm, $2

Need some experience with children? Want to work for a good cause? Do you just love interacting with children?

Fifteen volunteers are needed to entertain and supervise children from 6:30-8 p.m. on Tuesday and Thursday nights. The children are between the ages of three months and 16 years old. Activities and supplies will be provided by the center. This opportunity is located at 508 E. Church Street.

Contact Carie Bires-Cook at ck-bires-cook@cwt-cu.org or by calling 352-7151 and sign up for your shift today.

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Lectures / Discussions Walter Mosley Preview Discussion Champaign Public Library, 7pm, free Family Fun â&#x20AC;&#x153;Babiesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Lap Timeâ&#x20AC;?

Urbana Free Library, 10:30am free

WED. MAY 17

art & theater Project 66: An Exploration of Utopia Inspired by the Works of Ilya and Emilia Kabakov [Project 66 is both an installation and a Web site created by a group of students from the School of Art and Design, the Department of Computer Science and other campus units.]

Krannert Art Museum through July 30 Pour la Victoire: French Posters and Photographs of the Great War [Graphically charged, lushly colored lithographic posters from World War I vividly depict the place of women in the war effort, the need for personal sacrifice on the home front, and the position of French colonial subjects.]

Krannert Art Museum through July 30

School of Art + Design: Bachelor of Fine Arts Graduate Exhibition [The work of over 100 BFA graduates in this 2nd annual exhibition displays a broad range of art and design studio practices that illustrate new and established technologies in material and virtual realms. Participating students specialize in crafts, graphic design, industrial design, painting, sculpture and photography.]

Krannert Art Museum through May 14 Emergence II [An exhibition featuring works from international women] Verde Gallery through May 20

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Moments of Graceâ&#x20AC;? [â&#x20AC;&#x153;Moments of Graceâ&#x20AC;? is a Live Bands photographic exhibit by Chris Donnie Heitler Great Main comprised of 35 images Impasta, 6pm, free that pay homage to the first half Irish Traditional Music Designing Experiences: How of the 20th century. The artist â&#x20AC;&#x201C;Todd Swiss Session Bentleyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Pub Graphic and Industrial Design utilizes vintage objects from 7pm, free Shape Daily Life the Depression era to suggest The Dolphins, Peasant Land [Design is less about a universal moment in time or Seizure Channing Murray DJ Will Rogers Band Neil St. generating products than it is human experience.]

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15â&#x20AC;&#x201C;June 22 9pm, free before 10pm Billy Galt Blues Barbecue DJ Elise Boltini cover Krannert Art Museum through 11:30am, free 10:30pm free Chef Ra Barfly, 10pm, free Miscellaneous July 30 Open Mic Canopy Club DJ Asiatic Joeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Brewery University of Illinois 135th Karaoke 8pm free/$2 under 21 10pm, cover Commencement Ceremony â&#x20AC;&#x153;Gâ&#x20AC;? Force Karaoke Open Mic Nargile, 9pm Assembly Hall, 2pm, TBA American Legion Post 71 Dancing cover Second Sunday Tour: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Pour 8pm, free Tango Dancing Cowboy la Victoire: French Posters DJ Karaoke Contest Finals Monkey, 8-10:30pm, free and Photographs from the Zoo Theatre Companyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Lake of the Woods Bar Salsa Dancing Cowboy Great Warâ&#x20AC;?

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Pippin [Pippin, a young prince searching for complete fulfillment, sets foot on the outside world. In his search, he valiantly decides to become a soldier. So, he joins his fatherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s campaign but he soon realizes that he thought, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d be more plumes.â&#x20AC;?]

Station Theatre, May 11-13 8 p.m., $15 The Rantoul Theatre Group: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Charlotteâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Webâ&#x20AC;?

[Joseph Robinetteâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s play version of â&#x20AC;&#x153;Charlotteâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Webâ&#x20AC;? closely parallels author E. B. Whiteâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s book and the cartoon movie.

John Arableâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s daughter, Fern, pleads with her father to save the runt pig, Wilbur. When Wilbur grows too big heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s sold to Uncle Homer Zuckerman to keep on his farm. Wilbur is lonely and needs a friend. The barnyard animals educate Wilbur to the reality of his pending visit to the slaughterhouse. But, Charlotte, a kindly spider, befriends Wilbur and vows to save his life by making Wilbur so popular that no one would wish to make bacon and ham out of him!

Wilbur learns that good friends are a blessing in life.]

Grissom Hall Theatre, May 12-14 8 p.m., Sunday performances at 2 p.m., $10, $7 â&#x20AC;&#x153;Fancyâ&#x20AC;?

[New works by Tedd Anderson and sound installation by Rustel Weiss.]

Illini Union Art Gallery from May 9 through September 1, Reception Tuesday, May 9 5-7 p.m.

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12

stage, screen & i n b e t w e e n

BY JACOB M. RUEFER

T

ry to understand. The human body—your human body —is very delicate. Even as you sit and direct your eyes to the words on this page, every part of you is alive and struggling.

You may illude yourself into believing that you are a singular being, abstract and uniform. But, in reality—in true reality—you are incomprehensible collection of liquid and flesh.

Sure, you understand the simple existence of your heart, lungs, and cells. You may even possess a certain knowledge of the circulation of your blood stream. Yet, not until you are splayed open and given your own heart to hold in your hands, like some embarrassed teenage mother, will you even come close to understanding the vulnerability your body faces every second of the day.

I, as you know, am Robb Green. I am your tomato.

It’s true. Three months ago, while making my famous guacamole I came to this conclusion.

Robb’s Famous Guacamole Ingredients: 3 avocados 3 roma tomatoes ½ green onion ½ red onion 1 tablespoon lemon juice The avocado pits—usually the most dangerous part of the knife work—were removed without a problem. Green onions, red onions: all diced to perfection. I am a pretty talented cook for a twenty year old. It wasn’t until the second roma tomato, however, that I misgauged depth and cut halfway, straight to the bone, through my left hand’s thumb. I bled all over the white cutting board (an incident upsetting in itself, knowing that greasy sauces like marinara, and, as I suspected, human blood, can stain between the coarse texture of board’s plastic). I went to the emergency room and paid for stitches. Then, however, despite the close attention I paid to keeping the stitches clean, the wound somehow became badly infected during the second week, and on the third, I had to have my thumb removed. By the time the doctors cut it off, it didn’t really feel or look much like my thumb due to the affects of the infection, but when I finally realized that it was actually gone, something changed in me.

I couldn’t look at fruit or vegetables for a week. Meat I could handle. Those animals were already dead, but fresh produce reminded me of my own mortality. Nightmares of tomatoes confiscated my sleep. Their blood red flesh, so dangerously unprepared for the world, swam freely in my tortured haze during the twilight hours. In dreams I stood naked in the kitchen while I was forced to watch as invisible beings slowly pierced the skin of one tomato with toothpicks, finely fi let another with a razor blade, and slowly rub the leftover pulp in my hand with a toothbrush.

I would wake up, lying in my boxers, eyes closed, and unable to move. I wouldn’t even let myself look at my body under the sheets.

The thought of seeing my flesh and comparing it to that of the tomato terrified me. How, I wondered, was my human material any different, any better protected than that of the fruit? It wasn’t, I decided. I was a tomato.

And, that afternoon, eight days after losing my thumb, I met you.

You made me sick. Sitting alone in the crowded food court with a tray full of that marketed slop construed as food. I couldn’t help but stare at you from three tables away. At least fifty other students could have caught my attention that afternoon, but you were the one I singled out. I couldn’t keep my eyes off you as you ate. Your bacon cheeseburger oozed cheese all over the rainbow bracelets that decorated your wrist. Unaffected, you dunked fries INTRO | A ROUND TOWN | L ISTEN, HEAR | CU CALENDAR | STAGE , S CREEN &

in a strawberry shake with you left hand. Eagerly your mouth waited for this bizarre combination. Ketchup stuck haphazardly in the corners of your mouth. Grease radiated from your tray’s contents and gave your face a fine glaze to go with your already sweaty complexion.

But, as much as you repelled my mind, my body lusted for you.

Dozens of conversations swarmed around my head, but I swear I could hear you chomping. I imagined the beef patty, bun, cheese, and crispy, green lettuce crunching and mixing in your mouth.

I envisioned black fillings in your mouth. Their chemical existence created an unsettling contrast, in my mind, with the fresh lettuce and soggy bun that rubbed up against them. Students occasionally walked in front of my view, but it was impossible to distract me: I was entirely conscious of you. I thought I could even see the roughly chewed pulpy mass slide down your esophagus and land with a splash and sizzle in the bottom of your stomach.

I grabbed a chair and sat across from you. An uninterested “Hey,” was the first thing you ever said to me. The first thing I ever said to you was “I might as well tell you that I just had my thumb removed… you know, just so you’re not wondering about it, or feel weird about asking.”

Now I saw you up close. Your brunette hair was not like the kind I usually found myself attracted to. It wasn’t feathered or flowing. Like your face, your hair was slightly greasy. It was also kind of flat and dense on the top of your head. I doubted whether I could even run my fingers through it if I wanted. Your teeth, especially your bottom row seemed thin, and the two bottom front ones kind of pushed off from one another, forming a “V.” Now, though, let me remind you about the last time I saw you, Veronica.

You were here last night. In this very room where I now type these words.

Let me say, first of all, that I’ve come to terms with your smoking.

I’ve spent many nights making myself sick thinking about what those cigarette do to your teeth, mouth, and moist, delicate lungs.

I’ve even made myself kind of like your tattoos. The red dragon on your stomach and orange tiger on your lower back forced me to imagine again and again your skins cells stabbed, traumatized, and discolored. But, like I said, I have accepted these things.

What I can not and refuse to understand is that last night you told me you were going to study in Costa Rica this summer.

“Yeah. I’m an international studies major. I’m going to do some international studying.”

At first I said nothing, hoping my initial silence would show you how surprised I was.

What I meant to say was “Please, don’t go. Parts of me love you.”

I didn’t though. Instead, I scratched my scalp with four fingers and a thigh skin bump. You changed the subject to your friend, and how he had had an amazing experience in a similar program.

I just listened. I had too much to say.

That’s what this is.

Veronica, the time we’ve shared since our first meeting has been stimulating. The words you have organized in your brain and expressed to me through tiny muscle movements in your mouth and throat have pleased my senses more than any other combination of this type. The physical hunger I have for you has had such a strong influence on the collected network of electric love in my brain that I don’t ever think I will ever rid myself of the abstract projection I have created from you there.

Don’t go to Costa Rica.

No one appreciates you more. I’ve even taught myself to wake up silently so that I can watch you while you’re sleeping.

Half of the facial features that make up your physiognomy are IN

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usually hidden by the pillow. The visible half, though, becomes a beautiful mountain landscape. Your hair to the east is a forest.

Each tree shoots from a follicle, like some painstaking transferred sapling from a store-bought pot to the supple earth. The ridges of your lips point northwest from the sea and remind me of the magnificently folded skin of a humpback whale as it shoots its head out of the water to catch a breath of fresh air. Your nose is a sand dune where fisherman sit and watch the sun out on the horizon of your chin, and your giant eye lid hovers over their heads like some ancient Egyptian sun god blessing their bounty this season.

You must think all of this is nonsense though. You might only want someone to be interested in you in a more general sense.

You might want someone who thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the world.

Well, I must be honest. Every human being is beautiful, and every human being is also ugly. You, however, are without a doubt the finest combination of flesh that my particular eye balls have ever seen.

And, I’m prepared to make your staying worthwhile.

Veronica Ristle… Will you marry me?

WHO WROTE THAT SHORT STORY ANYWAY?

A SHORT BIOGRAPHY ON JACOB RUEFER BRENT SIMERSON • STAFF WRITER

“If everyone attempted to create something of their own, it would force them to look at reality in ways they never have before,” explains Jacob M. Ruefer, junior English and Creative Writing major and also premier winner of buzz Fiction Short Story Contest. His piece “On the Human Anatomy — A Proposal,” however unusual and mysterious, is inspired

by Ruefer’s lust for creativity — a lust he feels everyone should have.

“I would...reiterate that creativity should play a role in the lives of everyone at every age.”

Art, especially of the musical and literary sense, had always intrigued Ruefer. At high school in Rock Island, Illinois, he was the lead singer and guitar player for a band named Forge.

“Writing and performing music is also a very important part of my life,” Ruefer reveals, “Though I’ve enjoyed the writing of many authors.” Ruefer calls to the likes of Joseph Conrad (Heart of Darkness), John Updike (Rabbit, Run), and Franz Kaf ka (The Metamorphosis) for motivation. It wasn’t, however, until the summer before his freshman year of college that he acknowledged his prospects of becoming a writer. At that point, he’d never actually written a story.

“Unlike other aspiring young writers, I have not been writing since I was a small child,” Ruefer reflects, “This [new story] is only my tenth, and I hope to continue writing for the rest of my life.”

That new story, “On the Human Anatomy — A Proposal,” boasts an innovative approach to literary presentation and, not to spoil any surprises, is quite unconventional. It all expectedly stems back to Ruefer’s value of creativity and the importance of the process therein.

“Writing a story, painting a picture, or putting together a song forces a person to fi nd meaning in the world.”

As he pursues a hopeful career in freelance writing, Ruefer might have all the time he needs to find meaning in the world. He isn’t selfish however: “Sometimes when I tell people that I’m a writer, they say things like, ‘Oh, I wish I could write, I have so much to say.’ I always tell them that they should.”

Ruefer, whose other interests include teaching, enjoys letting the writing speak for itself. Upon reading this new and transcendent story, you will pleasantly see that it speaks with cunning abstraction. sounds from the scene

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IF THAT WAS A PROGRAM BY MICROSOFT, IT WOULDN’T BE A ‘GLITCH’ IT WOULD BE A ‘FEATURE.’

THE

ME AND MY MOM’S TOP TEN

dirt SHEET

s k c i l F r e h t g u a Mother/D

WHAT’S GOING ON IN THE ENTERTAINMENT WORLD ACCORDING TO ANDY VECELAS

T

he first rule of thumb for writing a movie gossip column is that there will never be any shortage of material from Hollywood couples making asses of themselves. A quick survey of the last couple of weeks in the love lives of the rich and famous: Denise Richards insists she did not break up Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear’s marriage so she could start dating Sambora. Paris Hilton says she dumped her boyfriend Stavros Niarchos so she could promote her upcoming album. Nick Lachey has apparently given a tell-all interview with Rolling Stone about his marriage to Jessica Simpson, while Vince Vaughn refused to tell David Letterman anything about his relationship with Jennifer Aniston on the Late Show, and Teri Hatcher insists she isn’t seeing anybody despite the thousands of rumors circulating in tabloids. The take home lesson: movie stars may be infinitely more attractive and wealthy than us, but that doesn’t stop them from acting like a bunch of dramatic high school teenagers in their personal lives.

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In honor of Mother’s Day this Sunday, my mom and I teamed up to bring you a list of our top ten favorite mother/daughter movies

Continuing the theme of beautiful people acting like complete morons, Jake Gyllenhaal found himself in a lot of hot water last week following some controversial comments. Gyllenhaal, who turned in a widely-praised performance as a soldier in the Gulf in last year’s Jarhead, recently joked to WENN that “U.S. soldiers were sent to the desert for 122 days and they sat in the same tent and did nothing, except a little too much masturbating.” Gyllenhaal’s sister Maggie similarly faced a huge backlash last year after making comments about the U.S.’s responsibility for the 9/11 attacks.

This family needs to hire better publicists.

My legions of readers out there (all four of you) will be saddened to know that this is my last column for the Buzz before moving onto greener pastures. It’s been a blast, and I’d like to thank my past and current editors here: Elyse Russo, Paul Wagner, and Jason Cantone. The old cliché says that behind every good writer is a better editor. I’m not sure that my writing says much about their talent as editors, but they are all awesome regardless.

ELYSE AND DEBBIE RUSSO • SECTION EDITOR AND MOM

10 TERMS OF ENDEARMENT (1983) This is a movie about Aurora Greenway (Shirley MacLaine) and Emma Greenway Horton Shirley (Debra Winger) as a mom and daughter duo who have a very close relationship. They both “dance to the beat of their own drum” and often bump heads in this heartfelt classic mom/daughter film.

9 MOMMIE DEAREST (1981) A biography of movie star Joan Crawford as seen through the eyes of her adopted daughter. Joan Crawford as everything that a mother SHOULD NOT BE, you’ll appreciate your mom so much more after seeing this film.

8 POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE (1990) When recovering substance addict movie star is advised by her production company to live with her mother, an alcoholic retired movie star, comedy ensues. Enough said.

7 MERMAIDS (1990) Cher plays the mom in this film and the tagline is: “This is our mother. Pray for us.” This tagline alone makes you want to watch this film, doesn’t it?!

theater review MONTY PYTHON’S SPAMALOT SYD SLOBODNIK • STAFF WRITER

5 PARENTHOOD (1989) While this film is not just about mother and daughter relationships, it is a hysterical look at the whole darn family.

4 STEP MOM (1998) This film explores the dynamic between a mother with a terminal illness, a youthful step-mother, and the children that they care about. Performances by leading women Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon make this movie one that you won’t want to miss.

3 ANYWHERE BUT HERE (1999) When mom plays daughter and daughter plays mom, comedy and drama unfold leaving you with tears from both laughing and crying.

2 STEEL MAGNOLIAS (1989) This is what my

mom calls a “three-hankie movie.” The mother and daughter relationship between mom M’Lynn Eatenton (Sally Fields) and daughter Shelby Eatenton Latcherie ( Julia Roberts), is comical, sad, and real. So grab a box of tissues and watch this one with mom!

The mother/ daughter con team movie is always a favorite.

We were so inspired by this film, we tried a little con artistry ourselves. Dad had to pick us up from jail.

1 HEARTBREAKERS (2001)

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winning The Producers. The mostly episodic Spamalot features much of the narrative of the screenplay of the Holy Grail film. King Arthur is seeking noble knights to his roundtable and then is summoned by God to find the Holy Grail. Python fans will note John Cleese provides the voice of God. Idle expands the film’s story with several humorous song and dance numbers, one which parodies Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals called “The Song That Goes Like This”, a flashy Peter Allen-like male chorus number, “His Name is Lancelot” and a riotous number titled “You Won’t Succeed on Broadway” that suggests the key to Broadway success is a Jewish faith. This, in addition to the very catchy “Always Look on the Bright Side” and “Find Your Grail,” makes for a memorably entertaining musical.

This production’s leads are very capable and lively, even without much of a trace of British accents. Michael Siberry, David Turner, and Rick Holmes make for a humorous trio as King Arthur, Sir Robin, and Sir Lancelot respectively. Pia Glenn takes the cast’s singing honors as the lovely Lady of the Lake.

Monty Python’s Spamalot, a truly fun show, continues until June 4 at the Cadillac Palace Theatre at 151 W. Randolph St. in Chicago. For ticket information call 312 902-1400 or go online at www.

BroadwayInChicago.com.

how it feels to be in your mother’s shoes or in your daughter’s shoes. The revamped version of this old plot line is a definite mom/daughter must see.

PHOTO PROVIDED BY TED BOLES

F

or longtime fans of the ’70’s British comedy troupe Monty Python, the musical Monty Python’s Spamalot is filled with lots of fond memories, belly laughs, and wonderful mocking satire. This Tony Award winning Best Musical of 2005 returned to Chicago’s Palace Theatre after making its triumphant world premiere and preBroadway run in December 2004. Even without its first run cast of stars: Tim Curry, David Hyde Pierce, and Hank Azaria, the present youthful cast presents a spirited fast-paced two hours of entertainment that will please even those unfamiliar with the comic antics of the Pythons.

Spamalot, written by Pythoner Eric Idle, with music and lyrics by Idle and composer John DuPrez has been skillfully restaged and trimmed from its original length by the show’s original director, the legendary Mike Nichols. The story is “lovingly ripped off” from the collaborated screenplay of the 1975 Terry Gilliam/Terry Jones film Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Fans of the film will be treated to the likes of the famous Black Knight, with fatal flesh wounds, the mysterious Lady of the Lake, killer rabbits, the Knights of Ni, and a galloping King Arthur and his roundtable knights accompanied by the sounds of clanking coconuts.

This is by no measure a great musical, even by today’s standards of minimal narratives; although, it does impress more favorably by contrast to the overpraised hyperbole of Mel Brooks’ Tony Award

6 FREAKY FRIDAY (2003) A film that will tell you

David Turner as ‘Sir Robin’ (center).

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AN AMERICAN HAUNTING

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tick It is the latest offering from writer Jessica Bendinger who has cranked out screenplays for hits like Bring It On and flops like First Daughter, The Truth About Charlie, and Aquamarine. Stick It attempts to do for gymnastics what Bring It On did for cheerleading, but it really misses the mark. It follows a young rebel Haley (Missy Peregrym) who gets arrested for property damage. She has the choice of going to juvie or a gymnastics school in Houston.

Wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t we all love to exist in a legal system so dynamic and forgiving?

Vickerman Gymnastics Academy is run by Burt Vickerman ( Jeff Bridges) and Burt is pretty tough. He tries to tame Haley, who canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t stand the picky nature of competitive gymnastics. This gymnastics academy at first seems like an okay setting for a teen movie, because itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not in a high school, but it quickly resorts to stereotypes. At the academy, Haley meets Joanne (Vanessa Lengies) who is the incredibly over-the-top brat girl that just has to be there to complete the formula. It also has the biker dudes who interject lame lines like, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Stalk youâ&#x20AC;? and are basically just horny.

The movie sets up something decent, but the humor seems completely targeted at the tween audience, whereas Bring It On transcended demographic lines. In one scene, Joanne calls Haley â&#x20AC;&#x153;Pariah Carey,â&#x20AC;? which is just downright not funny. At one moment, Haley says, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m so sure, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m practically deodorant,â&#x20AC;? and I think it is at this point that one realizes this movie is trying way too hard.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE IIIâ&#x20AC;˘ TOM CRUISE

PARAMOUNT PICTURES

AN AMERICAN HAUNTINGâ&#x20AC;˘ RACHEL HURD-WOOD

MIDSUMMER FILMS

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veryone knows Suriâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s dad (aka Tom Cruise) may be a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

His notorious Scientology beliefs and proclamations boasting knowledge of psychiatry have raised more than a few eyebrows. But all nuttiness aside, weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re talking about the movie here.

Besides, I wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even know where to start a thesis on the absolute raving lunatic Cruise really is.

So why keep making movies with Tom Cruise? Well, why not? Heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a good actor and his movies consistently make over $100 million at the domestic box office. His personal life seems like a twisted fable from daytime TV, but his projects are always entertaining. And Mission: Impossible III succeeds admirably.

International super-spy Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) has left the life of dangerous covert missions for the sweet life in the suburbs with his girlfriend (Michelle Monaghan). However, Hunt is called back into action by his superior (Billy Crudup) to rescue Lindsey Farris (Keri Russell), his protĂŠgĂŠ and former student. The mission goes awry and Farris dies leaving Hunt upset and very pissed off.

It is discovered that international arms dealer and renowned sleazeball Owen Davian (Philip Seymour Hoffman) is somehow responsible. So Hunt gathers a team and sets off trekking the globe determined to bring him down. Unfortunately, Huntâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s return to the spy life means he has to keep his identity a secret from his girlfriend. As guys know, keeping secrets from your girlfriend truly is a mission impossible.

Whereas the f irst Mission: Impossible was essentially a straightforward spy-thriller and the second was purely an action flick, Mission: Impossible III provides a potent mix of explosive action, romance, comedy, and even a little drama.

But there has never been character development.

Well, not anymore. JJ Abrams and co-writers Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci infuse enough background into our principle to finally make the audience care. And thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s something most action movies canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t do.

Allowing writer/director Abrams to helm the latest installment of the Mission: Impossible franchise was one of the best ways to kick off the summer movie season. The mastermind behind TVâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s LOST and Alias finally got a budget that caters to his vision. Abrams justifies the series by loading on the action, suspense, neat-o gadgets, espionage, and double-crosses.

The cool elements can be attributed to great writing, but the stellar cast and performances are truly a testament to the director. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not just the Tom Cruise show. Heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s supported by Crudup, Laurence Fishburne, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, and Simon Pegg of Shaun of the Dead. The only actor a little screwed out of the deal is Hoffman. He doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t get a lot of screen time and worst of all, he doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have any great villain dialogue.

M:I III is the reason we go see movies in the summer. So, your mission: should you choose to accept it, is to go see what will surely be one of the most exciting movies this summer. And Tom Cruise doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t jump off a single couch. I swear.

FORMALS

TOUCHSTONE PICTURES

DAN BRUNNER â&#x20AC;˘ STAFF WRITER

M ay 17 , 2 oo 6

PAUL PRIKAZSKY â&#x20AC;˘ LEAD REVIEWER

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STICK IT

â&#x20AC;˘

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III

JENNY MCCARTHY â&#x20AC;˘ STAFF WRITER

rom first glance, the film looks like it could be just another scary movie about a haunted house ... and it is. While it is based on the only haunting in the United States that has resulted in the death of a human being, it doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t make the plot any more interesting. The main story revolves around the Bell family, living in the 19th century.

John Bell, played by Donald Sutherland, does wrong by another villager in a business trade and the man places a curse upon the Bell family. What results is a typical haunting story which leaves you wondering â&#x20AC;&#x201D; where is the originality?

There are a few upsides to this lackluster horror film, however. While the narrative was predictable, the acting was above and beyond what typical horror fans expect. Impressive performances by Donald Sutherland, Sissy Spacek, and Rachel Hurd-Wood will hold the audienceâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s interest, even if the narrative does not. It was hard to take these serious actors seriously when you feel like laughing at a majority of the dialogue. Are scary movies supposed to be funny? Also, having Adrian Biddle as the cinematographer didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t hurt the filmâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s appearance. Biddleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s past work on V for Vendetta and The Mummy Returns gives him far more credit than director Courtney Solomon (Dungeons and Dragons).

If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re up for a predictable scary movie about things that go bump in the night, go see Scary Movie 4. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s far easier to understand, and itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s actually appropriate to laugh at it.

M ay 1 1

I CANâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;T PROVE IT BUT I CAN SAY IT.

STICK IT â&#x20AC;˘ JEFF BRIDGES

Stick It relies on crazy music video style spectacle, whereas Bring It On relied on its story.

Bring It On had likable actresses Kirsten Dunst and Gabrielle Union, and attempted to make some statement about racism and society. Stick It makes no effort to address the eating disorders and unhealthy aspects of this cruel sport, and only explores gymnastics at a very superficial level. A great alternative to paying to see Stick It would be to rent the straight-to-video masterpiece Bring It On Again, that spoofs itself brilliantly. Stick It is just a mess of forced jokes, flashy camera work, and pseudo-originality that does not deserve your time.

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M ay 17 , 2 oo 6

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MY GUT TELLS ME THATâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S HOW OUR NERVOUS SYSTEM WORKS.

ARTISTâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S CORNER

mike ortiz

MATT HOFFMAN â&#x20AC;˘ STAFF WRITER

Mike recounts his early experiments with music making: â&#x20AC;&#x153;As I child I would record songs off the radio with a little boom box I had, making mix tapes of oldies and popular songs.â&#x20AC;? His parents soon enrolled him in piano lessons, which he continued for another 10 years. In high school, a family member gave him an old classical guitar and he taught himself simple chords using a piano book that also had guitar tablature. It was around that same time that he and some friends started a band, Super Stick Figure. They were together a few years and after the band broke up he continued to play guitar and write songs. He recently started recording songs written after their earlier CD, Preferably Joyce, was recorded.

When you originally formed Super Stick Figure, it was a guitar trio and session drummer. Now, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re doing it solo. Do you find it easier creatively working alone, or do you miss the collaboration?

I do miss the collaboration, even if itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s simply having someone else to bounce ideas off of. There are times when your own ideas can get homogenized, but when thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s someone else in the writing process, they might have a completely different mind-set to music. That doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t always mean things will mesh, but it can give you a fresh perspective about where to take a song that you might not have gone to otherwise.

Are you a perfectionist about your work?

How do you know when a song is â&#x20AC;&#x153;doneâ&#x20AC;? both in writing and in recording?

I wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t call myself a perfectionist. I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t bring myself to ever think any song Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve written is â&#x20AC;&#x153;perfect,â&#x20AC;? especially when I think about some of the really masterful artists. But Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll have a notion a song is done if I feel it goes somewhere. Too often I hear songs where it sounds like the writer had this great idea for a piece of a song; a hook for example, but they didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t bother to write anything around it, so the song just sits there and nothing happens, if that makes any sense.

When Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m recording, and itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not like Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m a professional by any means, I basically just listen to tracks and try to make sure there are no errors in the playing or recording. By the time I start the actual recording process Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve pretty much mapped out exactly what I would like the song to sound like in my head. Then, I use the simpler techniques of processing (reverb, delay, distortion, etc.) until the song sounds as close as possible to what I had in mind.

Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been putting together a home studio, and obviously perform every instrument along with the engineering thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s involved. It must be a labor of love, but compare the recording process now to when you recorded in a commercial studio.

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s far more time consuming. For example, the drums are electronic, and even then itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not done through a midi device, such as a keyboard, where you can just play via key pressing. Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re mapped out through a program that will play the sound files in a certain pattern that you designate. So you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t â&#x20AC;&#x153;playâ&#x20AC;? the drums, you sequence them. Also, you have to think as both a

musician and engineer, so itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not just a matter of getting the performance right musically, but also making sure that you capture it as well as you can on your multitrack or computer. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s definitely interesting, and Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m doing it myself for fun and as a hobby, as it would be much easier just going to a professional studio.

Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve pretty much been self-taught. Who are your influences in music?

Early on it was Nirvana, probably just like every other aspiring musician in the mid 1990s. I actively try not to emulate anybody directly, as I feel like it would be unoriginal, but I do hear influences in phrasing, rhythm, and melody come through every now and then. The closest I could say to someone directly influencing my music would have to be P.J. Harvey. Her approach to writing songs made me try to think of different ways of writing a verse or closing a musical phrase, if only because what she does is so unique. I will hear songs or bands that do something that musically interests me and I might try to capture some piece of the energy of a song; Queen Adreena, Autolux, Nine Inch Nails, Kâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Choice, Sheryl Crow, The Distillers, Allison Krauss, these are examples of that phenomenon.

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Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a tough one. If I had to pick one person who I think is the ultimate talent of song-writing and performance, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d probably have to go with Paul McCartney. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d love to be able to do what Trent Reznor (of Nine Inch Nails) does as an artist, but I just donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t write music in the same way. I also think Kurt Cobain and Brody Dalle (the Distillers) were/are amazing songwriters and performers.

How can people find your music?

You can borrow my MP3 player, or you can go to myspace.com/superstickfigure. There are some older songs, as well as some of the newer stuff.

Final interview questions are always lame. My final question is no different. Give me three words that DO NOT describe you.

Blond, ambidextrous, calm

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d like to think so, in subject matter and in music.

Before it would be just a simple chord progression and a semi-catchy melody, and I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t see anything wrong with that. But I find that my more recent work has been somewhat autobiographical, with some aspect of my life influencing what Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m saying, rather than just having some words in there to give some syllables to the melody I thought up.

CORP NOTE KEEP THIS SAME SIZE ALWAYS

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Is there a musician that you envy who you would like to trade places with, or at least have his or her abilities?

Has your music matured over the years?

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Dowtown Bar/ Lounge hiring for busy summer months. Apply in Person at 120 N. Neil on Wednesday and Thursday between 7- 9p.m.

Wait staff, door and host positions available. fightingillinineedjobs.com We need Paid Survey Takers in Urbana. 100% FREE to join. Click on Surveys Now hiring for a new bar in SW champaign. Waitresses, bartenders, cooks, apply within at Tommy G’s, Country Fair Shopping Center, 123 S. Mattis.

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Earn $5000 as an egg donor. Must be 20-29 and a non-smoker. Please call Alternative Reproductive Resources at 773-327-7315 to learn how you can help a family fulfill its dreams.

Organic vegetable farm needs full time and part time help. Planting, harvesting, and deliveries. Jobs runs now thru 11/15. 643-2031

Services

100

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105 E. CLARK & 105 E. WHITE, C Aug 2006. Attractive modern lofts.

D/W, disposal, window a/c, ceiling fans, patio/balconies, laundry, parking, 2nd Floor skylights. Rents from $360 to $465/mo. $50/mo. to furnish. Shown 7 days/wk.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

105 E. JOHN Available Fall 2006. 1 bedroom furnished, great location. Includes parking. Phone 352-3182. Office at 309 S. First, Champaign.

THE UNIVERSITY GROUP www.ugroup95.com

609 W. MAIN, U. Aug. 2006. 2 bdrm Townhouses Furnished $600/mo, Unfurnished $580/mo. 2 bdrm apts Furnished $525/mo. 1 bdrm apts Furnished $470/mo. Parking optional, Central A/C, Carpet, Laundry, Ethernet avail. Shown 7 days/wk.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC. 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

706 S. WALNUT, U Aug 2006. 1 bdrms from $485/mo. 2 bdrms from $515/mo. Central A/C, Laundry.

Parking.

Furnished $50/mo. Shown 7 days/k.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC. 356-1873 www.barr-re.com Available Now 1 bedroom $385 Campus. 367-6626

Merchandise 200

Available Now 1 bedroom $385 Campus. 367-6626

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240

Solid wood futon, $195, leather office chair, $50, small dorm refrigerator, $80, small microwave, $25, all like new. 239-287-3252.

1&54

250

Going on vacation?

Don’t leave your pets alone! I’ll stop by and care for cats, dogs, and horses. Annette, Vet Assistant. 217-3779079

Apartments

400

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1 Bedroom 407 E. University, fully equipped- microwave, washer/dryer in-unit. Security building with elevator. Balconies, underground parking.

Hardwick Apartments 356-5272 621-1012 1 bedroom lofts $535 2 bedrooms $575 3 bedrooms $650 4 bedrooms $925 Campus, parking.

Spring ‘06, 367-6626

M ay 17 , 2 oo 6

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1006 S. 3RD, C.

1 bedroom lofts $535 2 bedrooms $575 3 bedrooms $650 4 bedrooms $925 Campus, parking.

Spring ‘06, 367-6626

Guitar lessons. All styles. Student discount! chambanajam.org 378-4832

Billed rate: 38¢/word Paid-in-Advance: 32¢/word

103 E. DANIEL, C Aug 2006. Close to Frat Park. Efficiencies from $425/mo. Ethernet available. Central A/C, Storage units, Laundry. Parking $60/mo.

Shown 7 days a week.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC. 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

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August 2006. 1 bedrooms. Location, location. Covered parking & laundry, furnished & patios, ethernet available. Office at 309 S. First, Champaign.

THE UNIVERSITY GROUP www.ugroup96.com 352-3182

1007 S. FIRST, C Aug 2006. Near First and Gregory.

2 bedroom apts from $625/mo.

Ethernet available, Window A/C, Carpet, Laundry. Parking $40/mo.

Shown 7 days a week.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC. 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

307 & 310 E. WHITE 307 & 309 CLARK Fall 2006 Large studio, double closet, well furnished. Office at 309 S. First, C. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP www.ugroup.com 352-3182

106 E. STOUGHTON, C Aug 2006. 1 Bdrms near Engineering campus. Wall A/C, Parking. Rent $425/mo. Shown 7 days/wk.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC. 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

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"1"35.&/54 'VSOJTIFE

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BEST VALUE 1 BR. loft from $480.

1 Br. $395 2 BR. $495 3 BR. $750 4 BR $855 Campus. 367-6626.

BEST VALUE 1 BR. loft from $480.

1 Br. $395 2 BR. $495 3 BR. $750 4 BR $855 Campus. 367-6626.

EXECUTIVE LOFT 201 S. Wright St., Champaign.

Adjacent to Engineering campus.

Loft bedroom, security parking, balcony, A/C, laundry.

Hardwick Apartments 356-5272 621-1012

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1005 S. SECOND, C Fall 2006. Efficiencies. Secured building. Private parking. Laundry on site, ethernet available. Office at 309 S. First, Ch. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP www.ugroup96.com 352-3182

212 E. John 1 bedroom apartment, furnished and A/C for Fall. Includes Water, Free Parking, No Pets. $460/mo. 3525207

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'VSOJTIFE

Smith Apartments 384-1925 2 BEDROOMS 1009 W. Clark, U. $620 604 W. Stoughton, U. $860 910 Weber, U. $530

105 E. GREEN, C Aug 2006. Studio Apts. Wall A/C units, Laundry, Ethernet avail. From $310/mo. Parking $50/mo. Shown 7 days a week.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC. 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

106 DANIEL, C. For August 2006. 1 bedroom apartments. Ethernet available. Some townhouses. Office at 309 S. First, Ch. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP www.ugroup96.com 352-3182

311 E. WHITE, C Avail Aug 2006. Large efficiencies close to Beckman Center. From $340/mo. Parking avail at $35/mo.

Window A/C, carpet, Ethernet avail.

Shown 7 days a week.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC. 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

509 Stoughton Near Grainger, Spacious studios and 2 bedrooms, ethernet, parking.

THE UNIVERSITY GROUP www.ugroup96.com 352-3182

604 E. White, C. Security Entrance For Fall 2006, Large 1 bedroom, furnished, balconies, patios, laundry, off-street parking, ethernet available.

Office at 309 S. First, C. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP www.ugroup96.com 352-3182

702 W. WESTERN, U Aug 2006. 1 bdrms, Window A/C, carpet/tile floors, laundry. Parking avail. Rent from $410 to $535/mo.

Shown 7 days a week.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC. 356-1873 www.barr-re.com ARBOR APARTMENTS, C. Aug 2006. 1 bdrms at Third & Gregory across from Snack Bar. Window A/C, Laundry, Ethernet avail. Rents from $390/mo. Parking $50/mo.

Shown 7 days a week.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC. 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

509 E. White, C. August 2006. Large 1 bedrooms.

Security entry, balconies, patios, furnished. Laundry, off-street parking, ethernet available. Office at 309 S. First, C. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP www.ugroup96.com 352-3182

706 S. FIRST, C Aug 2006. Half block south of Green. 1 bdrm from $415/mo. 2 bdrms from $490/mo. Window A/C, Ethernet avail. Parking at $40/mo.

Shown 7 days a week.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC. 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

GREAT VALUE

306-308-309 White August 2006. 1 & 3 Bedroom furnished apts. Balconies, patios, laundry, dishwashers, off-street parking, ethernet available. 841-1996.

THE UNIVERSITY GROUP www.ugroup96.com 352-3182

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'VSOJTIFE Available June 1- Studios 1 bedroom • 2 bedroom• 3 bedroom www.ugroup96.com 352-3182

1107 S. EUCLID, C Aug 2006. Near Armory, IMPE and Snack Bar. Window A/C, Laundry, Ethernet avail. Rents from $395/mo.

Parking $50/mo. Shown 7 days a week.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC. 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

503- 505- 508 E. White Fall 2006. 2 and 3 bedrooms. Furnished with internet. Parking and laundry available. On-site resident manager. Call Kyle, 202-7240.

THE UNIVERSITY GROUP www.ugroup96.com 352-3182

506 E. Stoughton, C. For August 2006. Extra large efficiency apartments. Security building entry, complete furniture, laundry, off-street parking, ethernet available.

Office at 309 S. First, C. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP www.ugroup96.com 352-3182

506 E. Stoughton, C. For August 2006. Extra large efficiency apartments. Security building entry, complete furniture, laundry, off-street parking, ethernet available.

Office at 309 S. First, C. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP www.ugroup96.com 352-3182

705 W. Stoughton 3 bedroom apartment Spacious living area. Communal balcony & great backyard. Plus a bar area in kitchen.

THE UNIVERSITY GROUP 352-3182

ABOVE JIMMY JOHN’S ON LINCOLN 805 S. Lincoln, U Aug 2006. Ceiling fans, ethernet avail, window A/C. Efficiencies from $500/mo, 1 bedrooms from $545/mo. 7 days a week showing.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC. 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

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THE GEORGIAN 1005 S. SIXTH, C Aug 2006. Next to UI Library. 1 bedrooms from $460 to $550/mo.

Laundry, Window A/C, Carpet.

Shown 7 days a week.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC. 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

807-809 W. ILLINOIS, U Aug 2006. 1 Bdrms corner of Lincoln & Illinois. Window A/C, Laundry, Ethernet avail. Rent $550/mo. Parking $45/mo. Shown 7 days/wk.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC. 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

Old Town Champaign

510 S. Elm Available Fall 2006. 2 BR close to campus, hardwood floors, furnished, W/D, central air/heat, off street parking, 24 hr. maintenance. $595/mo.

841-1996.

THE UNIVERSITY GROUP www.ugroup96.com 352-3182

502 E. HEALEY, C August 2006. JUST REMODELEDTOP TO BOTTOM!!!! NEW NEW NEW!!!! The BEST LOCATED EFFICIENCIES & 1 BEDROOMS on campus- period. Here's the best part: Efficiencies $385/mo & 1 bedrooms $550/mo. Ethernet avail.

Parking avail. Shown 7 days/wk.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC. 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

901 Main Street 3 Bedroom $990, Studio $450- all utilities included.

2 Bedroom- $650.

201 Busey 3 Bedroom $975, 1 Bedroom $550 503 W. Green Street Efficiency $400, 1 Bedroom $550heat included Doyle Properties 398-DOYL

JOHN & LOCUST, C Aug 2006. Huge one bdrms, Ethernet avail, Window A/C. Rents from $370/mo. Parking $20/mo. Shown 7 days a week.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC. 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

JOHN RANDOLPH ATRIUM

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1 BR. Duplex For Rent. Available June 1. Near Bus, Urbana Annette 377-9079

115 W. WASHINGTON, U. Aug 2006. 1 bdrms. Window A/C, Laundry.

From $340/mo. to $475/mo. Shown 7 days/wk.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC. 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

722 S. BROADWAY, U.

509 W. MAIN, U. Aug 2006. 1 BR apts. From $400/mo. Laundry, window A/C, Parking avail at $35/mo. Ethernet available. Shown 7 days a week.

BARR REAL ESTATE 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

Deluxe 2 BR Townhouses 206 E. Green, C. 1 Free Parking Space New Energy Efficient A/C and Heat Ethernet Access $380/mo/person Call 621-3430

CLASSIFIEDS 337-8337 "1"35.&/54

Aug 2006. 1 bdrm apts close to Campus. Window A/C. Rents $430/mo. Shown 7 days/wk.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

205 E. HEALEY, C Aug 2006. Huge 1 bdrm apts. Window A/C, Ethernet available. Parking $40/mo. Rents starts at $435/mo.

Shown 7 days/wk.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

46#-&54

440

Available Now. 2 bedroom on campus. $550/mo. 367-6626.

Single Apartment for Summer at Melrose. Price Negotiable. 618-3224396.

46#-&54

)064&4

510

1, 2, 3 bedroom houses, condos, and duplexes for rent. Great Champaign Location. Many amenities W/D, A/C, etc. 637-0806.

2 bedroom house on campus for Fall 2006. 367-6626.

2606 E. Florida, U. Beautiful new house, hardwood floors, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, 2 car garage, 6 minutes from campus, W/D, dishwasher , C/A, satellite tv, wireless internet, lots of street parking. Available now or fall. 369-5300 Eight to Nine Bedroom, $2700 2 Bedroom, $695-$725 367-6626

6OGVSOJTIFE

UTILITIES INCLUDED Avail. January & August 2006. Close to Campus. 4 bedroom apts. with Disposal, Dishwashers, Washer/Dryers in each unit, Ethernet access, Central A/C. Handicap accessible.

Shown 7 days a week.

'VSOJTIFE

Other Rentals 500

'VSOJTIFE

508, 510, & 512 E. STOUGHTON, C. Aug 2006. Huge 2 bdrms. Close to Engineering & C/S. A/C, Laundry, Ethernet available. Parking $55/mo.

Rent from $495/mo. Shown 7 days/wk.

BARR REAL ESTATE, INC. 356-1873 www.barr-re.com

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17

300.4

"1"35.&/54

'VSOJTIFE

1 BR in 4 BR apartment. $350/mo.

367-6626.

Room in Urbana house walking distance from quad. $250/mo. Call 6491767.

300.."5& 8"/5&% 550 1 bedroom, near campus $345/mo.

367-6626 Near Campus, $350/ mo. 3676626.

Roommate to share 3 BR, plus office home in Champaign near Clark Park. $475/mo. plus 1/2 utilities.

Melanie, 403-1965.

RealEstateforSale 600 $0/%04 %61-&9&4

620

IDEAL LOCATION NEAR CAMPUS West Springfield Ave. New upscale townhomes feature 3 BR/ 2.5 BA, ceramic tile in kitchen, all silver metallic appliances. Living room leads to private patio. Vaulted ceiling in master bedroom suite. 1 car garage. Starting $179,900. Call Ellen at The Brokers R.E. 3569002.

"1"35.&/54 6OGVSOJTIFE

DEAL GR EAT

"1"35.&/54

6OGVSOJTIFE

Remodeled Apartments near downtown Urbana 305 W. Elm, U - 2BR plus study New kitchen, A/C, pkg, deck/patio Avail. July or August 2006 @ $650/mo.

The Weiner Companies, Ltd. • 217-384-8018 • www.weinercompanies.com

www.wpgu.com

'VSOJTIFE

1 BR in 4 BR apartment. $350/mo.

367-6626.

1 bedroom, 550sq.ft., $650 negotiable plus electricity. Close to downtown Champaign. 3 buslines, free parking, 390-2357, cta_mta@yahoo.com.

'VSOJTIFE

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530

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'VSOJTIFE

AVAILABLE FOR FALL 2006 URBANA LOCATIONS: 1005 E. Colorado: $425 UF 1 bdrm., apts at the corner of Colorado and Cottage Grove. Newly remodeled units with new flooring, cabinets, appliances, A/C. On the busline, just 1 1/2 miles away from campus. Great location for grad students. Security locked building. Water, sewer and hauling paid. Parking available.

CHAMPAIGN LOCATIONS: 56/58 E. Healey: $400-$450 F 1 bdrm. apts at corner of Healey and First Street. Many units remodeled, some with dishwashers. Security locked building, on site laundry. Rent includes heat. Parking availa ble.

512 E. Clark: $360-$370 F efficiency apts., at corner of Clark and Sixth Street. Large units with double closets. Water included. Parking available.

HERITAGE PROPERTY MANAGEMENT, INC.

1206 S. RANDOLPH SUITE B, CHAMPAIGN • 351-1803

510

)064&4

510

NOW LEASING FOR FALL, 2006 JTS Properties - 328-4284 905 W. Main, U. 2 bedroom, 1 bath, w/d, pets welcome, & off-street parking. $750/mo 105 N. Coler, U. 4+ bedroom, 2 bath, hardwood floors, w/d, CA, off-street parking w/garage. $1500/mo 502 S. Broadway, U. 5 bedroom, 2 bath w/enclosed front porch, fenced in yar, w/d & pets w/deposit, garage, $1300/mo 29 E. John, C. 5 bedroom, 2 bath, hardwood floors, w/d, off-street parking, $2000/mo 505 E. Elm, U. 4 bedroom, 2 bath, w/d, pets w/deposit, off-street parking, $1000/mo

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18

the stinger kim rice & kate ruin DOIN’ IT WELL

jonesin CROSSWORD PUZZLE

“I’m Allergic to This Puzzle”--it’s bound to get a bad reaction.

Across 1 Start for cab or cure 5 Line before W 9 Criticize severely 14 Valhalla boss 15 Former WWE wrestler Rena ___, a.k.a. Sable 16 TV repairman’s focus, maybe 17 Accumulation under the bed that some may avoid?

19 Buggies, in Birmingham 20 “The Constant Gardener” novelist John le ___ 21 ___ Shinrikyo (Japanese cult in 1995 news) 23 Infantrymen, for short

24 Constipation remedy that some may avoid?

28 Sole residences?

29 1999 Reese Witherspoon movie 30 P.O. boxes, e.g.

31 Blow up, like photos: abbr.

32 ___ bran 33 Audience section that some people may avoid?

39 ___ Harbour, Fla. 40 “Cat ___ Hot Tin Roof” 41 Trade org. formed in 1958 43 Stuck, like a ship in the Arctic 46 Award Richard Burton never won 48 European city that some may avoid?

50 Day planner divs.

51 52 53 55

Not ___ long shot Up to Reno request Natural vitamin store supplement that some may doubly avoid?

59 Catcher of a certain kind of fish 60 Emit light, like some pointers 61 Interlockable toy 62 How ironic humor is expressed 63 Words to Brutus 64 Former Mariner and Ranger, to fans Down 1 Group of whales 2 Ivy League URL ending 3 Reveal, as medical information 4 Fuel opening

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5 Handy or Hefty 6 Squalid site, maybe 7 Coffee server 8 Long journey 9 Papa Roach genre 10 Hemingway’s collection “In ___ Time” 11 Samuel Barber movement “for Strings” 12 Ape or human 13 Chuck 18 Super Mario ___ 22 7UP, in old ads (with “The”) 24 Google competitor 25 Chain known for butter pecan syrup 26 Little kid’s words after cleaning his plate 27 What a link leads to 31 It gets delivered at the end 34 The Bible’s first victim 35 Throwing around wealth and prominence 36 Phrase in some wedding invitations 37 Company that pulls products off the shelves 38 Breed young animals, like a sheep 42 Yip or yelp 43 More gross 44 Breaking the bank 45 Not up to snuff 46 “...___ take arms against a sea of troubles...”

47 Julia Ormond title character with a “Sense of Snow” in a 1997 film 49 ___ de mots (“in a few words,” in French) 50 “That was close!”

54 Brooks behind “Blazing Saddles” 56 “Put some meat on those bones!”

57 It may get stroked 58 Yes, to a mime answers pg. 10

Love Your Vulva And It’ll Love You Back

C

onsidering that many women haven’t taken a peek “down there,” it’s no wonder there is an air of mystery surrounding vulvas. Where there’s mystery, there’s room for misinformation. And misinformation can damage women’s abilities to accept and love their bodies ... especially when that misinformation is about how vulvas are supposed to look, function or smell. Men’s genitals are celebrated through phrases like “family jewels” and associated with courage as in “that takes balls.” Men are given the opportunity to check out each other’s goods in public restrooms which provides them a sense of the range of size, color, shape and overall diversity of how male genitals look.

Women on the other hand, who are often judged by physical attributes, sometimes feel the need to meet a fictional expectation of genital beauty. A whole market has grown around our insecurities about our bodies; shame and misinformation make for an abundance of products we feel we need to buy. We have yet to see a crotch spray for men. And in more severe cases of female genital disgust we hear stories of plastic surgery on the vulva for aesthetic reasons.

The connection between body image and sexual satisfaction is well documented. We know that women with higher levels of body satisfaction have more sex, more orgasms, initiate sex more, have sex with the lights on, are more likely to receive oral sex, undress in front of their partner and try new sexual behaviors. Do we need to say more about the importance of loving our bodies?

Notice we said high levels of body satisfaction.

This does not mean women with “perfect” bodies.

The key to sexual satisfaction is the satisfaction we find in our own bodies, not by achieving some socially constructed image of what we should look like. In fact, studies reflect that it is the perceptions women have about their body and not any objective measure (like weight) that affects sexual satisfaction.

Some research shows that women who feel good about their genitals have more satisfying and fulfilling sex lives and a new body of literature is emerging addressing the connection between genital self-image and sexual fulfillment. So how can you get on your way to high genital selfimage or a positive genital identity?

Know the parts involved. Time and time again, women will approach us with a concern about whether or not their genitals are normal. After reviewing a few pictures, we hear sighs of relief.

We encourage everyone — men and women — to find a good sexual-health book that shows a variety of vulvas. Take a mirror and look at your vulva, noticing the pubic hair, clitoris, inner and

B ETWEEN | CLASSIFIEDS | THE STINGER

outer lips, urethral opening, the vaginal opening and the opening to rectum. Notice how your vulva is similar and different from the pictures you saw in the book.

Porn magazines and videos are not a good choice here, as they tend to show very similar images over and over again. The images you see in magazines and films are not representative of vulva diversity. The “ideal” body type portrayed includes the “ideal” genital look. We suggest Femalia, a book by Joani Blank, or check out the Web site www.velvetvulva.org to see pictures of real woman and their very real vulvas. Remember that the size of the clitoris, the lips, the vaginal opening, and the amount of hair vary from woman to woman. If you feel any discomfort with looking at your vulva, don’t worry, you will become more comfortable with this important part of your body as you become more familiar and friendly with it.

EXPLORE YOUR VULVA VALUES Try this activity and see how it feels. After gaining an accurate picture of what your vulva looks like, describe it with words. It may be helpful to write this down. Did your description surprise you? Was it sex-positive or -negative? Where do you think these values and thoughts about your genitals came from? If they are negative, what would it be like to describe your genitals using more neutral or even positive words?

Sex can be wonderful when you know and love this part of your body and choose to share it with your partner, allowing them to share in your pride and appreciation for the amazing vulva you have!

SEX 411 VIVA LA VULVA • The vulva is a term for the external geni-

tal organs of the female and includes the clitoris, inner and outer vaginal lips, and vaginal opening.

• All vulvas are created equally beautiful and totally unique.

• Porn magazines and films usually reflect one type of body, including one type of vulva. This does not reflect the real women of the world!

• Get to know your vulva by observing it, playing with it and loving it.

Kim Rice & Kate Ruin are professional sex educators. Send your sex positive comments about vulvas to them at riceandruin@yahoo.com.

sounds from the scene

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SOMEBODY HITS ME, I’M GOING TO HIT THEM BACK.

19

free will astrology MAY 11 — MAY 17 ARIES

March 21 – April 19

I did something today that’s an apt metaphor for the task you have ahead of you. While driving my 1997 Honda Accord on the streets of San Francisco, I had to drive very slowly and gradually while ascending a steep hill. I kept my foot on the gas pedal just hard enough to keep the vehicle from sliding backward as I inched upward at two miles per hour. It was an exercise in supreme concentration: I had to be delicate and focused while prodding a one and a half ton beast. Just as I pulled off this feat, Aries, I believe you’ll be able to accomplish a comparable version of it.

T A U RU S

April 20 – May 20

“Nothing would be done at all,” said Cardinal Newman, “if a man waited until he could do it so well that no one could find fault with it.” Let’s forgive his sexist language and concentrate on the truth he articulates, which is profoundly apt for you right now. It’s important that you try to do what you can’t do very well--that you not use your lack of mastery as an excuse to avoid practicing an immature skill. Be willing to look foolish as you improve, and paradoxically you will often appear brave and inspired.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Would you please go have a picnic after midnight in a secret garden? Or maybe wander out to the edge of nowhere and throw a birthday party for the sun? Or weave wildflowers in your hair and lead a sweet thing unto temptation with a seduction strategy plucked from a poem by Pablo Neruda? Please, Gemini, tear your eyes away from the terribly obvious and the numbingly familiar. Be willing to be as impractical as you’ve ever been. The weird probability is that you’ll have a piercing insight about the bottom line while you’re wandering free in a place that’s far from the bottom line.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

You now have the power to raise a million dollars for charity. For that matter, you could launch an organization that would last a hundred years, make an invigorating connection with a resourceful ally, or talk a depressed person out of suicide. On the other hand, it’s also conceivable that you could tally the highest score ever recorded on the Berzerk video game or engage in spectacular drunken stunts that earn you a spot on the local TV news. In other words, Cancerian, there’s a high potential for you doing something very big, whether it’s smart and great or dumb and useless. Choose wisely how you want this cosmic tendency to manifest.

feel as if unpredictable forces of nature have been unleashed inside you. As long as you keep your sense of humor about it, however, nothing too out-of-control will happen. At worst, you’ll resemble a funny monster with a brilliant future, like an awkward kid destined to grow up to be a cute genius.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

S AG I T TA R I U S

Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

AQUA R I U S

Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Have you ever wondered about the X-ray glasses advertised in comic books and sold by mail? They allegedly allow you to see through people’s clothes, maybe even through their skin to the skeleton beneath. You Scorpios now have the next best thing to that cartoon technology. Your eyesight is especially keen--so much so that you’ll notice many things that have previously been hidden from you. Not only that. You’ll be especially adept at discerning the real stories unfolding beneath the official stories. You’ll have the ability to decipher people’s unconscious motivations and secret agendas. It’s almost like you’ll have a psychic version of X-ray specs.

Hybrid cars get great gas mileage and don’t spew dirty emissions into the air. They also produce minimal noise pollution. In fact, some are so silent that they can be hazardous to pedestrians and bicyclists. While riding my bike today, for instance, I didn’t hear the Toyota Prius that was bearing down on me from behind, and I almost swerved right into its path. Let this serve you as an illustration of the law of unintended consequences.

You should watch for unexpected changes caused by the healthy improvements you’ve made in your life. I’m not saying the changes will necessarily be bad, just that you should be alert for results you didn’t foresee.

Cuban tyrant Fidel Castro is so afraid of exotic assassination attempts that he has his aides burn his underwear after just one use. He apparently imagines that some dissident will find a way to saturate his unmentionables with poison during the laundering process. You’re currently in no danger of having your briefs rendered toxic, Capricorn, but I nevertheless suggest that like Castro you incinerate each fresh pair when you’re done wearing them--at least for the next few days. It will be a lyrically symbolic statement that you are ready to transform the way you express your sexual energy, and that will be in perfect alignment with the invitation the cosmos is offering you.

I just received a check in the mail for seven cents. It was from the Screen Actors Guild, a residual payment for my tiny role in the Robin Williams’ movie Being Human, in which I played a TV psychic who gives readings for pets. Though the 1994 film was a critical and box office failure, it has continued to earn modest revenue through video sales in Third World countries. I decided not to cash my miniscule check, but rather frame it and put it up on my wall as a conversation piece. I predict a similar event will soon occur in your life, Leo: You’ll receive a “reward” whose value will consist almost entirely of its power to generate joke and story material. That’s not something to be sneezed at.

In high school I got all A’s in science and math, and scored in the top one percentile on the math section of the SATs. I’ve studied calculus, used logarithms, and love biology and astronomy. Still, I’m not aligned with the growing chorus of political leaders, corporate executives, and scientists who want schools to teach more math and science. Less would be better, I think, so as to make more room for truly neglected subjects like mastering human relationships, cultivating emotional intelligence, developing discrimination about the media, questioning authority, interpreting dreams, and understanding how to take care of one’s body. Since few of us are taught these basic subjects when we’re young, we lag way behind well into adulthood. That’s the bad news, Aquarius. The good news is that it’s a perfect time for you to do some rapid catching up.

VIRGO

PISCES

LEO

July 23 – Aug. 22

Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

It’s a good time to work on your moon tan. I suggest you put on a bathing suit and find a place where the moon can beam down on you for a while. As you bask in its glow, periodically turning over to let it saturate every part of your body, imagine that soaking up the lunar vibes will deepen and tone your emotional life, enhance your receptivity, make you a wiser nurturer, and build up your knack for adjusting deftly to change.

LIBRA

Sept. 23 – Oct.22

The leaves on the persimmon tree outside my door are growing so fast I swear I can see them expanding right in front of my eyes. Like them, you are in a period of almost maniacal fertility. The ripening process is so elemental that you may

sounds from the scene

Feb. 19 – March 20

A California company specializing in background checks recently reported that 40 percent of all job résumés contain misinformation. Meanwhile, a study in the Journal of Basic and Applied Social Psychology found that most people tell lies every day.

You and I aren’t surprised. We know that deception is a normal part of life. I hope, however, that you’ll rebel against that convention in the coming week. It’s the High Integrity Season for you--a time to be scrupulously honest and impeccable in your execution of every detail. I urge you to regard this demanding assignment as an opportunity to give gifts everywhere you go.

Homework: Imagine it’s 40 years from today. As you look back on your life, what is the one adventure you regret not trying?

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20 •

buzz weekly

IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE GOING, YOU WILL WIND UP SOMEWHERE ELSE!

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LIKES AND GRIPES LET IT OUT

ERIN SCOTTBERG Editor in Chief LIKES 1 . w w w.thehan sofoundation.org: God, the marketing on this show so brillant. Did you really think I’d let my last issue go without mentioning this show? So good.

2. Flav-O-Ice frozen treats: Best served twisted and cruched into half-liquid, half-ice form.

3. Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker: The King of Pop, Mick Jager and Joe Pesci, set to classic Jackson hits. When the movie’s over, close your jaw and rewind — the only way to learn those dance moves is to watch in slow motion.

NOW HIRING GRAPHIC DESIGNERS for FALL 2006 Student Graphic Designers Prefer Experience in Adobe Creative Suite InDesign :: Photoshop :: Illustrator Great portfolio-building experience working for a variety of clients. Create ads for print and online as well as marketing materials at our new location in campus town: 512 Green Street.

CONTACT: JonHuff@illiniMEDIA.COM LIANNA ZHANG Community editor LIKES 1. Balls: Mini tapioca balls that is. They are the essence of bubble tea. Avoid the big ones though, they’re too chewy. Honey Milk Bubble Tea. Yum. 2. Morning Star Grill Sensations: Fresh off the grill taste. I can’t believe it’s not beef.

3. Sleeping on the Quad: Such a simple luxury.

EDUMACATION OPEN GRADUATION WEEKEND! Saturday + Sunday: Noon to 6pm

Laptops TODD SWISS Calendar Editor GRIPES 1 . Gaucho pants: Worst fashion trend ever.

2. IMPE outdoor pool: it’s closed this summer. Lame!

3. The weather: isn’t it supposed to be 80 by now?

SARA SANDOCK Copy Chief GRIPES 1. People who d o n’t have f ina l s: Grrr.

2. Sherman Hall: a “graduate” hall that never sleeps. Nothing better then getting woken up every morning at 8 a.m.. Construction my ass.

3. People who ride their bikes on the Quad: There is clearly a no bike riding sign, I don’t want to fear for my life while walking to class.

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graduates Don’t miss out on saving up to $200 getting your student discount.

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illini apple center 512 E. Green St. Campustown

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217.337.3116

Store Hours: M - F: 10am - 6pm Saturday: Noon - 6pm

Graduation Weeked: Sunday: Noon - 6pm sounds from the scene

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buzz weekly •

E-MAIL IS FOR GEEKS AND PEDOPHILES.

soundground #125THIS WEEK IN MUSIC

9

[ PARASOL TOP TEN ] 1. MATTHEW SWEET & SUSANNA HOFFS Under The Covers Vol. 1

TODD J. HUNTER • STAFF WRITER

Shout Factory

M a rk Rubel, Lifet ime Achievement winner at the WPGU-buzz Local Music Awa rd s 2 0 0 6 , a d r oit l y juggles yet another job: “expert audio witness for law f irms who specialize in sampling infringement cases.” Rubel elaborates: “Basically I determine if something is sampled or not, and explain what that is and what it means to a judge and jury.”

One example is the dispute over “Ready to Die”

by Notorious BIG, which samples “Singing in the Morning” by Ohio Players — without permission. According to BBC News, the music companies with the rights to “Singing in the Morning” were awarded more than four million dollars in damages; Bad Boy Entertainment, Bad Boy LLC, Justin Combs Publishing, and Universal Records intend to appeal.

New Ruins is at work on a full-length in a different style from prior releases A Collection and Hotter Months. The full-length is being self-produced at the duo’s home studio and Midget Pistol in Westville. New Ruins is vocalist-guitarist-keyboardist Elzie Sexton and vocalist-guitarist-percussionist J. Caleb Means;

WHAT THE HELL?! moment of the week

Sexton and Means seek additional instrumentalists in order to perform the new material live. New Ruins plays on Friday at Channing-Murray Foundation with The Dolphin and Mit’n. Show time is 9 p.m., and cover is $4.

2. JOHNOSSI S/T

Updates/Corrections Nadaf inga will now open for Mandroid (Destroyers of the Human Race), tonight at Cowboy Monkey. Show time now is 10:30 p.m., and cover still is $4.

4. THE CORAL SEA Volcano And Heart

Lanterna’s Chicago record release for Desert Ocean is May 19, not May 16. Also, in both Chicago and Champaign, French producer Hector Zazou will not open for Lanterna, but instead play with Lanterna. The opening bands for the Champaign show are Pulsar47 and The Invisible.

6. ELOPE 3WD

V2 Scandinavia

3. JON AUER Songs From The Year Of Our Demise Pattern 25

Hidden Agenda

5. LAND OF TALK Applause Cheer Boo Hiss

3'!()%4%5'.6%3)'2.1#"',7%3)(7(,#78

Graduation Party 2006!

Saturday, May 13

Dependent Music

Todd J. Hunter hosts WEFT Sessions and Champaign Local 901, two hours of local music every Monday at 10 p.m. on WEFT 90.1 FM. He also wonders after last week how it is possible Terminus Victor is not famous. Send news to soundground@excite.com. Support your scene to preserve your scene.

Gravitation

7. FLIN FLON Dixie Teenbeat

No Cover! $1 Drinks

Ftr: watery domesti c, Shipwreck, The Hubbards

Monday, May 15

8. JACKIE O MOTHER FUCKER Candyland JOMF

9. THE 303S Lines Of Parallel Minds Cult Hero

10. LUCY SHOW Mania

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Wednesday, May 17

Words On Music

Thur sday , May 18 &9:;%:<0=%:>*?:45@ AB%C"27$"D#/%E()'%F+7( Saturday, May 20

MOTHER / DAUGHTER

TOP 15 ALBUMS

PHOTO COURTESY OF MURDERDOG.COM

ANNA STATHAM AND HER MOM • LISTEN, HEAR

One man is dead following a fracas between Atlanta-based rapper T.I., his entourage, and some local yokels in Cincinnati. After a concert, the newly successful T.I. (née Clifford Harris) and friends headed to the extremely rough Club Ritz (a joint local lawmakers have been striving to strip of its liquor license for years) for some after-hours partying. Tensions flared when one of T.I.’s friends started throwing cash (something that’s quite on hand for T.I., who sound-scanned over a half million copies of his last record in the first week alone) to girls at the club. T.I. and friends fled in minivans, the local yokels gave pursuit, and at about 3 a.m., shots were exchanged on I-75, the main drag in town. One man was killed, and several others injured. I guess people hate free money.

!"#$%&'##()%*$+,%-.,(/%0"1+"2+

Thursday, May 11

Thur s d a y , June 1

Wednesday, June 7 ANNA’S TOP 15

MOM’S TOP 15

01 Wilco Summer Teeth 02 Damien Rice O 03 Van Morrison Moondance 04 The Merediths A Closed Universe 05 Cat Stevens Tea For the Tillerman 06 Lou Bega Mambo No. 5 07 Beatles Abbey Road 08 Oasis (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?

09 Modest Mouse Good News For People Who Love Bad News 10 The Postal Service Give up 11 Jack Johnson In Between Dreams 12 CocoRosie La Maison De Mon Reve 13 Kanye West College Dropout 14 Smashing Pumpkins Siamese Dream 15 Michael Franti & Spearhead Everyone Deserves Music

01 David Gray White Ladder 02 Leo Sayer All The Best 03 Phoebe Snow Phoebe Snow 04 Van Morrison Inarticulate Speech of the Heart 05 Supertramp Even In the Quietest Moments 06 Little River Band Greatest Hits 07 Norah Jones Come Away With Me 08 Enya Memory of Trees 09 The Moody Blues To Our Children’s Children’s Children 10 Harry Connick, Jr. When Harry Met Sally 11 Simon and Garfunkel Bridge Over Troubled Waters 12 Elton John Don’t Shoot Me I’m the Only Piano Player 13 Coldplay Politik 14 Al Green Let’s Stay Together 15 Lou Rawls Natural Man

West Coast Hip Hop

Wednesday, June 14

Thursday, June 29

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9:;(!11<=)>9?(@>A!BC1DDD sounds from the scene

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12

stage, screen & i n b e t w e e n

BY JACOB M. RUEFER

T

ry to understand. The human body—your human body —is very delicate. Even as you sit and direct your eyes to the words on this page, every part of you is alive and struggling.

You may illude yourself into believing that you are a singular being, abstract and uniform. But, in reality—in true reality—you are incomprehensible collection of liquid and flesh.

Sure, you understand the simple existence of your heart, lungs, and cells. You may even possess a certain knowledge of the circulation of your blood stream. Yet, not until you are splayed open and given your own heart to hold in your hands, like some embarrassed teenage mother, will you even come close to understanding the vulnerability your body faces every second of the day.

I, as you know, am Robb Green. I am your tomato.

It’s true. Three months ago, while making my famous guacamole I came to this conclusion.

Robb’s Famous Guacamole Ingredients: 3 avocados 3 roma tomatoes ½ green onion ½ red onion 1 tablespoon lemon juice The avocado pits—usually the most dangerous part of the knife work—were removed without a problem. Green onions, red onions: all diced to perfection. I am a pretty talented cook for a twenty year old. It wasn’t until the second roma tomato, however, that I misgauged depth and cut halfway, straight to the bone, through my left hand’s thumb. I bled all over the white cutting board (an incident upsetting in itself, knowing that greasy sauces like marinara, and, as I suspected, human blood, can stain between the coarse texture of board’s plastic). I went to the emergency room and paid for stitches. Then, however, despite the close attention I paid to keeping the stitches clean, the wound somehow became badly infected during the second week, and on the third, I had to have my thumb removed. By the time the doctors cut it off, it didn’t really feel or look much like my thumb due to the affects of the infection, but when I finally realized that it was actually gone, something changed in me.

I couldn’t look at fruit or vegetables for a week. Meat I could handle. Those animals were already dead, but fresh produce reminded me of my own mortality. Nightmares of tomatoes confiscated my sleep. Their blood red flesh, so dangerously unprepared for the world, swam freely in my tortured haze during the twilight hours. In dreams I stood naked in the kitchen while I was forced to watch as invisible beings slowly pierced the skin of one tomato with toothpicks, finely fi let another with a razor blade, and slowly rub the leftover pulp in my hand with a toothbrush.

I would wake up, lying in my boxers, eyes closed, and unable to move. I wouldn’t even let myself look at my body under the sheets.

The thought of seeing my flesh and comparing it to that of the tomato terrified me. How, I wondered, was my human material any different, any better protected than that of the fruit? It wasn’t, I decided. I was a tomato.

And, that afternoon, eight days after losing my thumb, I met you.

You made me sick. Sitting alone in the crowded food court with a tray full of that marketed slop construed as food. I couldn’t help but stare at you from three tables away. At least fifty other students could have caught my attention that afternoon, but you were the one I singled out. I couldn’t keep my eyes off you as you ate. Your bacon cheeseburger oozed cheese all over the rainbow bracelets that decorated your wrist. Unaffected, you dunked fries INTRO | A ROUND TOWN | L ISTEN, HEAR | CU CALENDAR | STAGE , S CREEN &

in a strawberry shake with you left hand. Eagerly your mouth waited for this bizarre combination. Ketchup stuck haphazardly in the corners of your mouth. Grease radiated from your tray’s contents and gave your face a fine glaze to go with your already sweaty complexion.

But, as much as you repelled my mind, my body lusted for you.

Dozens of conversations swarmed around my head, but I swear I could hear you chomping. I imagined the beef patty, bun, cheese, and crispy, green lettuce crunching and mixing in your mouth.

I envisioned black fillings in your mouth. Their chemical existence created an unsettling contrast, in my mind, with the fresh lettuce and soggy bun that rubbed up against them. Students occasionally walked in front of my view, but it was impossible to distract me: I was entirely conscious of you. I thought I could even see the roughly chewed pulpy mass slide down your esophagus and land with a splash and sizzle in the bottom of your stomach.

I grabbed a chair and sat across from you. An uninterested “Hey,” was the first thing you ever said to me. The first thing I ever said to you was “I might as well tell you that I just had my thumb removed… you know, just so you’re not wondering about it, or feel weird about asking.”

Now I saw you up close. Your brunette hair was not like the kind I usually found myself attracted to. It wasn’t feathered or flowing. Like your face, your hair was slightly greasy. It was also kind of flat and dense on the top of your head. I doubted whether I could even run my fingers through it if I wanted. Your teeth, especially your bottom row seemed thin, and the two bottom front ones kind of pushed off from one another, forming a “V.” Now, though, let me remind you about the last time I saw you, Veronica.

You were here last night. In this very room where I now type these words.

Let me say, first of all, that I’ve come to terms with your smoking.

I’ve spent many nights making myself sick thinking about what those cigarette do to your teeth, mouth, and moist, delicate lungs.

I’ve even made myself kind of like your tattoos. The red dragon on your stomach and orange tiger on your lower back forced me to imagine again and again your skins cells stabbed, traumatized, and discolored. But, like I said, I have accepted these things.

What I can not and refuse to understand is that last night you told me you were going to study in Costa Rica this summer.

“Yeah. I’m an international studies major. I’m going to do some international studying.”

At first I said nothing, hoping my initial silence would show you how surprised I was.

What I meant to say was “Please, don’t go. Parts of me love you.”

I didn’t though. Instead, I scratched my scalp with four fingers and a thigh skin bump. You changed the subject to your friend, and how he had had an amazing experience in a similar program.

I just listened. I had too much to say.

That’s what this is.

Veronica, the time we’ve shared since our first meeting has been stimulating. The words you have organized in your brain and expressed to me through tiny muscle movements in your mouth and throat have pleased my senses more than any other combination of this type. The physical hunger I have for you has had such a strong influence on the collected network of electric love in my brain that I don’t ever think I will ever rid myself of the abstract projection I have created from you there.

Don’t go to Costa Rica.

No one appreciates you more. I’ve even taught myself to wake up silently so that I can watch you while you’re sleeping.

Half of the facial features that make up your physiognomy are IN

B ETWEEN | CLASSIFIEDS | THE STINGER

usually hidden by the pillow. The visible half, though, becomes a beautiful mountain landscape. Your hair to the east is a forest.

Each tree shoots from a follicle, like some painstaking transferred sapling from a store-bought pot to the supple earth. The ridges of your lips point northwest from the sea and remind me of the magnificently folded skin of a humpback whale as it shoots its head out of the water to catch a breath of fresh air. Your nose is a sand dune where fisherman sit and watch the sun out on the horizon of your chin, and your giant eye lid hovers over their heads like some ancient Egyptian sun god blessing their bounty this season.

You must think all of this is nonsense though. You might only want someone to be interested in you in a more general sense.

You might want someone who thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the world.

Well, I must be honest. Every human being is beautiful, and every human being is also ugly. You, however, are without a doubt the finest combination of flesh that my particular eye balls have ever seen.

And, I’m prepared to make your staying worthwhile.

Veronica Ristle… Will you marry me?

WHO WROTE THAT SHORT STORY ANYWAY?

A SHORT BIOGRAPHY ON JACOB RUEFER BRENT SIMERSON • STAFF WRITER

“If everyone attempted to create something of their own, it would force them to look at reality in ways they never have before,” explains Jacob M. Ruefer, junior English and Creative Writing major and also premier winner of buzz Fiction Short Story Contest. His piece “On the Human Anatomy — A Proposal,” however unusual and mysterious, is inspired

by Ruefer’s lust for creativity — a lust he feels everyone should have.

“I would...reiterate that creativity should play a role in the lives of everyone at every age.”

Art, especially of the musical and literary sense, had always intrigued Ruefer. At high school in Rock Island, Illinois, he was the lead singer and guitar player for a band named Forge.

“Writing and performing music is also a very important part of my life,” Ruefer reveals, “Though I’ve enjoyed the writing of many authors.” Ruefer calls to the likes of Joseph Conrad (Heart of Darkness), John Updike (Rabbit, Run), and Franz Kaf ka (The Metamorphosis) for motivation. It wasn’t, however, until the summer before his freshman year of college that he acknowledged his prospects of becoming a writer. At that point, he’d never actually written a story.

“Unlike other aspiring young writers, I have not been writing since I was a small child,” Ruefer reflects, “This [new story] is only my tenth, and I hope to continue writing for the rest of my life.”

That new story, “On the Human Anatomy — A Proposal,” boasts an innovative approach to literary presentation and, not to spoil any surprises, is quite unconventional. It all expectedly stems back to Ruefer’s value of creativity and the importance of the process therein.

“Writing a story, painting a picture, or putting together a song forces a person to fi nd meaning in the world.”

As he pursues a hopeful career in freelance writing, Ruefer might have all the time he needs to find meaning in the world. He isn’t selfish however: “Sometimes when I tell people that I’m a writer, they say things like, ‘Oh, I wish I could write, I have so much to say.’ I always tell them that they should.”

Ruefer, whose other interests include teaching, enjoys letting the writing speak for itself. Upon reading this new and transcendent story, you will pleasantly see that it speaks with cunning abstraction. sounds from the scene