A S P EC I A L I S S U E BY R ELEVA NT A N D B R I G H T P E A K
PUSHING THE ENVELOPE What if everything you thought you knew about money and debt was wrong?
8 QUESTIONS EVERY COUPLE NEEDS TO ASK From sex to calling, we look at the big conversations everyone must have.
SHOULD YOU WA IT TO SETTLE DOWN? Marriage? Kids? A mortgage? Here’s your guide to moving on to life’s next big phase.
COUNSELING COUCH CONFESSIONS Real marriage counselors tell us how to avoid the issues they see the most.
2018
02
FI RST WORD A LETTER FROM THE PUBLISHER
Table of Contents
Welcome to the Revolution There is an epidemic facing this generation. And let’s be honest, the Church hasn’t done a great job talking about it. It centers around two things that don’t seem related at first
Pushing the Envelope
but are totally interconnected: money and relationships. The
p.12
and build healthy marriages is affecting the spiritual DNA of a
Money and debt are touchy subjects for people—especially millennials. It’s time to embrace new ways toward financial health.
lack of conversation around how we should handle finances generation—and we want to do something about it. Did you know two-thirds of college-graduate millennials are carrying student debt of more than $27,000? That’s almost double the previous generation. And a quarter of millennials
2 // THE SOURCE
say anxiety related to financial stress has made them
The latest in all things related to millennial relationships, money and business.
physically sick.
8 // COUNSELING COUCH
common source of stress for couples and families. Married
Many couples face the same problems. We talk to counselors about what the solutions are.
couples fight over money more than any other subject.
1 6 // 8 QUES TIONS E VERY
partnership between RELEVANT and brightpeak to address
COUPLE SHOULD ASK
these issues head-on. But it’s much more than a magazine. All
These questions can help you make wiser decisions in your relationship at any stage.
year, you’ll see daily content in the new Love & Money section
2 0 // SHOULD YOU WAIT TO SET TLE DOWN? Statistics show millennials are waiting longer to settle down. Is money the real reason why?
2 2 // THE TAKE AWAY Seven steps for getting your finances in order.
2 4 // L AS T WORD How you talk to your partner about money matters more than anything. Jon Acuff shares some tips.
According to a recent report, financial issues are the most
This Love & Money special issue is part of a yearlong
at RELEVANTmagazine.com, including articles, videos and other resources to help improve your financial and relational health. There will be a podcast series in the spring and fall and Love & Money events around the country. It’s a bold and important initiative and the first of its kind for RELEVANT. But changing how our generation engages relationships and finances will have a far-reaching impact on individuals and the Church. Imagine having the margin to be able to make career decisions based on calling instead of paycheck. Imagine being able to live generously, intentionally and selflessly. Imagine having a marriage where financial stress wasn’t an issue, and you could focus on each other instead of bills. That’s what we want for this generation. And along with the team at brightpeak, we’re working to create resources, content and tools to equip you to live differently. We can do better. We can create change. Welcome to Love & Money.
C A MER ON S T R A NG RELEVANT Publisher
01
LOVE & MONEY
THE SOURCE R E L AT I O N S H I P S A N D M O N E Y I N T H I S G E N E R AT I O N
Are Millennials Really Worse Off Than Their Parents?
Recent reports that cast a pessimistic light on the state of millennials and money might not be telling the whole story.
A RECENT REPORT published by the Swiss bank Credit
Suisse Group put it in extremely blunt terms in its recent Global Wealth report: “With the baby boomers occupying most of the top jobs and much of the housing, millennials are doing less well than their parents at the same age, especially in relation to income, homeownership and other dimensions of well-being.” If the trend holds, it would be the first time in U.S. history that a generation hasn’t done better than their parents did. Credit Suisse’s assessment is based on the fact highpaying jobs, wealth and assets are concentrated in the hands of the older generation. But those numbers don’t tell the whole story. First, millennials are the most educated generation in history. Sure, underemployment is currently an issue, but there is reason to believe that millennials’ current woes are temporary. According to Pew Research Center, half of all millennials believe the country’s best years are ahead of it, and many believe they’ll be a part of the turnaround. To that end, millennials are launching their own businesses at younger ages than their parents. And as
2018
02
anyone who has started a business knows, sometimes success takes time, so lower incomes shouldn’t be completely surprising. The BNP Paribas Global Entrepreneur Report found that millennials have launched twice as many businesses as their parents’ generation did. Relationally, millennials seem to have a healthier view of financial honesty as well. CreditCards.com found this generation is far less likely to maintain secret accounts from their spouses than their parents were. In fact, their parents are twice as likely to make a major purchase and not tell their spouse. With the culmination of healthier views about money and relationships, high rates of education, optimism, an entrepreneurial spirit, the rise of technology and a massive injection of wealth looming (they’re expected to inherit $30 trillion), the future may be brighter than some think. In fact, some financial experts are down-right bullish: The international bank UBS AG says that in the next three years alone, millennials will be worth $24 trillion. That’s more than the entire current U.S. economy.
Tying the Knot Is Getting a Lot More Expensive
Money Is a Way Bigger Deal Than Sex in Relationships FINANCIAL SECURITY has never been
sexier. The recent “Money Habits and Confessions Survey” found that money is a way bigger deal than sex in millennial relationships. Seventy-seven percent of respondents said financial issues cause more relational tension than their sex life does. Financial problems are apparently also a major turnoff in dating: 37 percent said they have broken up because they disagreed about money. And here’s the kicker: More than half said they’d rather stay single— forever—than marry someone who was financially irresponsible.
BEEN INVITED to a friend’s
wedding? You may want to start saving now. According to The Knot, from 2015 to 2016, the average cost of a wedding jumped 8 percent, ringing in at a whopping $35,000. And
03
77%
SAID FINANCIAL ISSUES CAUSE MORE RELATIONAL TENSION THAN THEIR SEX LIFE DOES.
it’s not just the happy couple footing the bill. Priceline found that millennial wedding guests spend an average of $600 on wedding-related events, especially when travel is involved.
LOVE & MONEY
Only a Third of Millennials Are Opening Credit Cards Why the current generation is ditching the plastic THERE’S A SAYING IN FINANCE that
“America pays in installments.” It’s the sign of a country with a lot of debt. The average U.S. household has more than $16,000 in credit card debt, but millennials might be changing that. Only about a third of this generation even owns a credit card. Compare that to more than half of people age 30 to 49 who own one and 70 percent of Americans over 65. It’s no secret that the American debt crisis is, well, a crisis. But it looks like the generation changing just about everything is poised for a
33
How TOMS Shoes Is Helping Its Employees Help Others
brighter—at least more financially secure—future.
RECRUITING MILLENNIAL talent is tough, but at least one
guy has figured out a way: charitable giving. Blake Mycoskie is the CEO of TOMS, and he’s implemented a new way for his employees to give through
ONLY ABOUT 33 PERCENT OF
the Tomorrows Project. Every month, the company votes on employee-submitted charity initiatives, and the winner
THIS GENERATION OWNS A
gets two days off and $10,000 to put it into practice.
CREDIT CARD.
M I S C. A massive study commissioned by The Knot 2017 Jewelry &
liking corporate culture and are
Looking for a way to stand out in your job? Maybe don’t
Engagement
trying to change
watch Netflix at
Study found
it. The First Citi-
work. A recent
that only one in
zens Bank Small
survey found
three engage-
Business Forecast
that 37 percent
ments are now a surprise. Where’s the fun in that?
2018
Most millennials report not
found 48 percent want to be a part of the startup trend.
04
of subscribers binge-watch while they are at work.
80 Percent of Us Don’t Put Money Away. Why? Turns out student loan debt isn’t why young adults don’t invest. It’s not uncommon to see talking heads blame student
generation not investing? According to millennials,
debt for just about everything from climate change
it’s more or less because they just don’t get it. Thirty-
to Watergate. But according to new research, student
four percent of millennials said they don’t know how
loans may not be the only guilty party for millennial
to invest, while 60 percent said they don’t have the
financial woes. A recent Harris Poll revealed about
money for it.
four out of five millennials don’t invest in the stock
More telling, though, is a majority also found
market. What’s more, the survey found that only 13
investing just plain “confusing.” Student loans are a
percent of those who don’t invest blame student loans.
real problem, but the data suggests this generation
So, what’s the real culprit behind many in the
also has some issues with financial literacy.
The Surprising Reason Couples Are Becoming More Racially Diverse THE LAST TWO DECADES have seen a massive spike in the
number of interracial couples getting married in the U.S., and now, researchers may have figured out why. Research from the National Academy of Sciences found an interesting link in the trend: It started around the time the dating websites Match.com and OKCupid.com launched. What they found was essentially that online dating helps people connect with individuals across different communities, who they may not have met in their dayto-day life, explaining, “When a society benefits from previously absent ties, social integration occurs rapidly.”
Aziz Ansari and Noël Wells on Master of None, justifying your monthly Netflix fee.
05
LOVE & MONEY
Chew on This: Millennials Buy Homes Mainly for Dogs
M I S C.
It’s the age of the side hustle. CareerBuilder.
For millennials, the housing market is literally for the dogs.
com found that 44 percent of all workers between the
OU KNOW THE OLD
not for their kids and family, but
VERSION of the
for their dogs. How does that
American dream,
rank? Around 25 percent bought
right? A spouse, two
a home because of marriage, only
by freelancing or
kids and a dog. Well, millennials
19 percent because of the birth of
working second jobs.
seem a little more concerned with
a child.
Y
the dog than the kids.
ages of 25 and 34 earn extra cash on the side
Oh, and the whole pet thing
This generation now represents
applies to millennials planning
the majority of homebuyers in
to buy in the future, too. Forty-
the U.S. And what’s one incentive
two percent said their primary
driving them to take the mortgage
motivation to pursue buying a
plunge? Their dogs. A recent poll
home was so they could buy a
found 33 percent of millennial
dog. In other words, it’s a great
homebuyers decide to buy a home
time to be a dog in America.
When it comes to relationships, this generation seeks help. MidAmerica Nazarene University found millennials are more likely to go to marriage counseling than Gen Xers or boomers.
A stereotype that’s sort of true: More than 75 percent of millennials say they splurge to try new restaurants. This is almost 20 percent more than Gen Xers.
Amazon’s Cashier-Free Store Dream Has Hit a Snag
2018
WHEN AMAZON BOUGHT
stores. The idea is you
The computers can’t
Whole Foods last year,
can just walk out with
figure out how to charge
early buzz was the
your purchases and
groups of people yet. So
retailer wanted to
your account is charged
for couples, the revolution
implement “cashier-less”
automatically. One hitch:
will have to wait.
06
1.
WANDER A MUSEUM (ON ITS FREE DAY).
Just about every museum in the country has a day of the week when admission is free; so use it. Consider it a date for your minds.
2.
BABYSIT SOME FRIENDS’ KIDS.
Not the most romanticsounding date, but giving another couple a night out by offering to watch their kids is free, kind and—if the kids have an early bedtime—a breeze.
3.
Free doesn’t always mean easy. Soup kitchens, crisis pregnancy centers, children’s homes, and all kinds of nonprofits are always looking for help. Hard to think of a better way to spend your time together.
5 Date Ideas That Literally Cost Nothing Love doesn’t IF YOU’RE SINGLE, YOU WANT to make have to cost sure your date-planning skills are on point. And if you’re married, well, a thing.
VOLUNTEER.
4.
MAKE YOUR OWN BOARD GAME.
If you’ve got paper and some pens, you’ve got everything you need to create your own game. Get creative with the rules. Make some inside jokes. It’s a free date that keeps on giving.
it might be even more important. But can we just be honest about
something? Any kind of dating costs a lot of money. $15 for an Uber or two. $100 for dinner. And like $900 for movie tickets. Thankfully, it really doesn’t have to be that way. If you’re looking to keep both your romantic life and your bank account steady, try skipping the new tapas place and try one of these date ideas that literally costs nothing (Or if none of these work for you, just scroll Instagram and pretend you live a different life. That’s free.).
07
5.
BUILD YOUR OWN FILM FESTIVAL.
Pick three or four films that make sense together—same genre, same director or same year—and view them on a night when the weather is conducive to staying in.
LOVE & MONEY
CO U N S E LI N G CO U C H CO N F E SS I O N S We asked couples therapists about what they hear behind closed doors and how it can change your life.
GOING TO COUNSELING IS A DEEPLY PERSONAL DECISION
So, we talked to two marriage counselors about the
FOR A COUPLE—ONE THAT CAN DRAMATICALLY AND
issues they’ve encountered with couples of all types,
POSITIVELY AFFECT A RELATIONSHIP.
and though every couple is different, there’s often a
Even if you’ve spent time in counseling, there’s still
similar root to the problems they’re facing.
a curiosity factor about what other people talk about
Here’s what they’ve observed—and how to address it
when seated on the proverbial couch.
2018
in your own relationship.
08
PROBLEM: BEING “LIKED”
couples encounter is the struggle
“Dating” is a verb, because, well, it
Dorothy Greco, author of a new book
with trying to balance togetherness
often involves going on a lot of dates.
about marriage, Making Marriage
and separateness in a relationship,”
“Married” is an adjective because
Beautiful, comes across a similar issue
says marriage and family therapist
it describes a person. And just like
with many of the young couples she
Rhett Smith. “This seems to be a huge
“dating” often involves getting
sees: They’re fixated on comparing
struggle, especially in the first couple
dressed up to go out, marriage is
themselves to others.
of years of marriage. I often find
about sharing life together—from
couples making an error by moving
fancy dinners to downing Hot Pockets
too much in either direction.”
in sweatpants.
“I can’t say I ever spent much time wondering what my next-door neighbor was eating for dessert
For example, think about any
The problem that arises, according
or what concert my high school
wedding you ever attended. You
to Greco, is many couples have a hard
classmate was attending, but I now
always hear Mark 10:8 cited—the
time being authentic and vulnerable
have the opportunity to do just that
famous passage where Jesus talks
with their spouses in marriage and
and more. Namely to try and keep
about “two becoming one.” The
have difficulty letting down the guard
up with them and produce my own
problem isn’t Jesus’ words, of course.
they’ve held up for so long.
Pinterest-worthy feed that garners
It’s how couples tend to apply them.
just as many (or hopefully more) likes,” she explains.
“Often I hear young couples
As a result, walls are built up and get thicker and taller over time.
interpret the idea that the two will become one means they merge
SOLUTION: GET REAL
often start comparing their own
everything in their lives together,
Jesus famously told His followers,
marriages and lives to the images
including their identity,” Smith says.
“The truth will set you free.” In
projected on social media by their
“And then they often become over-
modern translations: Sometimes it’s
friends—images that are literally
enmeshed with each other. This often
OK to break out the sweatpants and
(and figuratively) filtered to
leads to resentment as many feel
nuke some Hot Pockets. Focus on
perfection. Greco says these “years of
like they gave up too much for their
honesty, not perfection.
voyeuristically watching others’ lives”
spouse and lost their sense of self in
blurs the lines between your social
the marriage.”
Essentially, she says that couples
media feed and reality. “Because we tend to keep our ugly
“We can use the time and creative energy that we often devote to
Just because a couple is married, it
polishing our brand to be real with
doesn’t mean they each have to lose
our spouse and a few other couples,”
moments to ourselves, we never
their own identity. No matter how
Greco says. “We can speak up when
see photos of puffy-eyed, red-faced
much you love your spouse, it doesn’t
we’re struggling to be faithful or
individuals who just had an hourlong
mean you are automatically going to
admit it when we’ve just had the
fight with their spouse,” she says.
like everything they’re into.
messiest fight of our marriage. Above
SOLUTION: UNPLUG
SOLUTION: MAINTAIN YOUR IDENTITY
Greco recommends limiting the time
Respect and appreciate who your
you spend looking at other people’s
spouse is—their tastes, friends and
crushing: “What my husband and I
lives online, and spending time
hobbies. Find common ground, but
have discovered after more than 20
investing in your own relationships—
give them their space to be the person
years of providing pastoral care is
and, most importantly, managing
you fell in love with.
that the couples who look the happiest
all else, figure out what it looks like to
expectations. Not everyone can
However, Smith says to be careful
enjoy your actual life.” The weight of perfection can be
on social media are often the ones
afford New York shopping sprees
to not overcorrect. “I see couples
who are most struggling to keep their
or weekends in Hawaii. Talk about
never quite make a strong connection
marriage intact,” she says.
money, budgets, savings and splurges.
because they try and keep everything
Base decisions on what’s best for your
separate in the marriage, out of fear
hurts and doubts. Make honesty a
marriage—not on what will keep up
of losing themselves.”
practice that happens not just on the
with some Facebook friend from high
The key, he suggests, is to
school you haven’t seen in 10 years.
compromise and find a balance.
PROBLEM: BECOMING “ONE”
PROBLEM: BEING TOO GUARDED
“The issue I have found most young
Relational “statuses” are interesting:
Be honest about struggles, fears,
counselor’s couch, but on your own— even if you’re both wearing an old pair of sweatpants.
09
LOVE & MONEY
2018
010
011
LOVE & MONEY
What if everything you were taught about managing money is wrong?
2018
012
BY A A RO N C LI N E H A N B U RY
It’s
You’ve likely heard, too, that
and it’s still a tripwire. There’s still
divorce for young couples. It seems
a lot of heartache because it’s not
like there’s a direct link between
about the money.”
been said that New York City is
debt and divorce—but is that link
where dreams are made. Alicia Keys
actually true?
sang it, and Utah native Johnny
“You’re still fighting about money,
financial strife is a leading cause of
In other words, it’s always a good idea to get out from under debt,
The answer is nuanced: A 2006
but for couples focusing on their
Galbraith believed it. Right after he
study found that 84 percent of
financial challenges, they might
graduated from college, he married
couples cite money as a source of
be merely treating a symptom, not
Joanna, and the newlyweds moved
marital tension. Another study
the actual problem. All of the focus
to Manhattan for a competitive
found that a third of millennials
on a single issue risks missing a
internship at an ad agency.
fight about money weekly—that’s
deeper point: Money problems and
It was Galbraith’s dream, the ideal
more than boomers or Gen Xers. But
relationship problems are often
gig in the ideal city. Sure, internship
“money problems” often run deeper
linked together.
pay in one of the world’s most
than simply getting out of debt.
expensive areas didn’t exactly create
Social researcher Shaunti
ENVELOPES, ATMS AND SNOWBALL S
financial flexibility—but that’s how
Feldhahn has heard about the debt
Money may not cause marriages to
careers start, right? Anyone in the
link, too. But with a 15-year career
end, but it certainly casts a shadow.
their circumstances should expect
researching marriage relationships,
Just ask the Galbraiths.
money to be tight.
she says the link goes beyond the
Like many millennials, the
“We would just look at our
amount of debt a couple holds.
finances and go, ‘This is good, but
Galbraiths started their marriage
Instead, “money issues”—are
none of our stuff is actually ours,’”
the American way: in debt.
really about ideas like values and
Galbraith says. “We just hated that
communication.
feeling of knowing that in a small
Millennials stand out as the first generation to hold “higher levels
Feldhahn’s books about
way, someone owned us.”
of student loan debt, poverty and
relationships have sold millions of
unemployment, and lower levels of
copies and feature deep dives into
very popular Christian money
wealth and personal income” than
scientific surveys and interviews
management book, and they finished
prior generations did, according to
with couples about the inner
it in a weekend. They bought in.
Pew Research Center.
workings of their relationships.
Debt—whether it be from student
Her interviews and surveys of
A friend bought them a
“We very literally adopted everything recommended in the
loans or credit cards—is a fixture
married couples cause her to look
among American millennials, and it
skeptically at the idea that just
influences just about every decision
getting out of debt will prevent
is the same one millions of people
this generation makes, from buying
divorce. Because, as she says, “You
have: a rigid envelope-based system
a home to having children to when
can have paid off all your student
of rules to manage their spending
(or if ) to get married.
debt. You could have done the debt
and erase their debt with “gazelle-
snowball. ... You can do all of that
like intensity.”
MO’ PROBLEMS?
stuff and still have all this other
They say money causes problems.
stuff underneath.
013
book,” Galbraith says. The approach they committed to
In Christian circles, the system often reaches canonical adherence.
LOVE & MONEY
The idea is this: Every dollar you make needs to be allocated. In one famous application of this
IF BUDGETING W E R E E A S Y, EV E RY BODY WOU L D DO I T. W H AT ’ S AC T UA L LY MAKING IT HARD ISN’T THE LOGISTICS OF LIVING WITHIN YOU R M E A NS
living on a budget,” he says. “A lot of people fall off because of that.” One of the risks is that it can cause
principle, you’re supposed to budget,
couples to lose sight of some of these
for example, $500 every month for
larger principles and root causes of
groceries. At the beginning of each
financial stresses—many of which
month, you take $500 in cash and
start at a relational level.
put it in a literal paper envelope of money dedicated to groceries. You
A NEW WAY TO LOOK AT
do that for each spending category.
LOVE AND MONE Y
At its core, it’s a system of rules and
Dr. Sonya Britt-Lutter, associate
small, measurable steps. Above
professor of personal financial
all, this approach teaches you the
planning at Kansas State University
discipline to “crush” your debt by
and one of the founders of the field
any means necessary.
of financial therapy, dedicated her
Yes, it had its benefits, but it also had its difficulties for the Galbraiths. “We rarely went out to eat with
professional career to a unique combination of finance and marriage counseling—she now
friends,” Galbraith says. “We usually
teaches graduate-level coursework
would just meet them after dinner.
in financial therapy theory and
We went to the only Costco in town
research. The solution she suggests
and schlepped all of our stuff on
is financial therapy. Think marriage
public transit to get home instead of
counseling to help people learn
paying for a taxi. We missed a lot of
about and discuss money and
cultural activities that cost money.”
ultimately arrive on the same page
For their part, the Galbraiths
about it. More than learning how to
worked hard and learned a lot—
discuss money, couples need to learn
and some practices they kept up
how to discuss their relationships.
and regularly recommend. But
“We have generally found that
the method wasn’t the right fit for
everybody views life differently,”
them. “We realized this is good
she says. “And because of that,
advice for most people,” Galbraith
everybody has different emotional
explains. “But we realized it wasn’t
needs and very different values.
necessarily a one size fits all.”
They say certain things are important to them that simply aren’t
O R PAY I N G
PUSHING THE ENVELOPE
C A S H O N LY.
The cash-only thing just didn’t make
That’s why embracing a holistic
sense for people like the Galbraiths.
vision is so important. The best laid
City life wasn’t conducive to using
budgets fall apart—but the reason
cash, especially for two people
often has nothing to do with paper
working in New York trying to
or plastic.
share finances. On top of that, they
“If budgeting were easy,
initially budgeted too aggressively,
everybody would do it,” says Rafael
saw they couldn’t stay in budget for
Antonio Robert, director of The
a particular category and would
Love & Money Project at brightpeak
become discouraged.
financial. Along with helping to
“I think that the common pitfall
2018
important to the other person.”
design tools and resources for
is: This ultra-rigid budgeting work,
couples to understand the links
where you’re literally tracking every
between relationships and finances,
penny and tightening the belt to the
he also holds a master’s degree
point where you get sick and tired of
in counseling. “What’s actually
014
THE
READING
LIST
These books will give
GOD AND MONEY
THE 5 LOVE
Gregory Baumer
LANGUAGES
THE SURPRISING SECRETS OF HIGHLY
& John Cortines
Gary Chapman
HAPPY MARRIAGES
Two Harvard MBAs learn
This famous book can
Shaunti Feldhahn
place to help your
the value of giving away
help you understand your
A collection of marriage advice
financial and love life.
money, not just making it.
partner much better.
from 1,000 real couples.
you a good starting
making it hard isn’t the logistics of living within your means or paying
letters to use. Everyone who saw
individually.” To do this, Robert says couples
their pictures talked about the letter
cash only. It’s the navigation of the
need to figure out how to work
relationship stuff that’s going on.
together as a team. Part of this comes
board. The Galbraiths got an idea.
It’s the fact that when a couple has
down to developing key marital
Galbraiths took the money they were
to make decisions about how much
skills like communication. But a
putting toward debt and started
cash to spend, they can’t get on the
lot of it also depends on a couple’s
saving it. “Our budget enabled us
same page, and they don’t know how
ability to get to know themselves—
to save money, over time get out of
to navigate those decisions.”
and each other—a little better.
debt, and in a position where we
After they paid off their debt, the
It’s not that the envelope system
When couples align their values
or trying to “crush” debt with your
and financial goals, it can also help
spouse is a problem, but it’s only one
the dollars and cents of budgeting
back to Utah to start a company
piece of a much larger puzzle—a
make more sense.
selling letter boards. Now, their
puzzle that gets ignored in the midst of all of the rules and processes. Instead of focusing solely on
The first step toward this,
could put $25,000 [aside],” he says. They moved from Manhattan
company, Letterfolk, makes one of
according to Robert, is for a couple
the most recognizable products on
to work toward “awareness and
the market.
dollars and cents, Robert says
appreciation.” This means talking
couples need to step back and take
about why you view money the way
they got out from under their
an honest look at the health of
you do—what did your parents
student debt. But the real story is
their individual relationships with
teach, what did you observe, what
deeper. They were really only able to
money—and with each other.
do you believe—and understanding
reach their financial goals because
that your relationship with money
they aligned their life goals.
“A solution that’s completely practical, like a step-by-step plan that just reduces debt, isn’t going
never happens in a vacuum. Only when you build toward
In part, this happened because
Many experts agree: It’s not just about the money. As the Galbraiths
to get at the root of the relationship
alignment can you take steps
discovered, creating the life you
problem that’s right there alongside
forward. Just ask the Galbraiths.
want as a couple takes more than
it,” he says. Whether it’s an app, investment
financial literacy or the ability to BEEHIVE STATE OF MIND
aggressively tackle debt.
strategy, or even envelopes, things
In December 2011, the Galbraiths
can get off track when couples can’t
paid off their student loans, and
the ability to align on financial
stay aligned.
if you’re ever on Instagram or
goals—two things that can only
Pinterest, you may have seen where
come when you work together to
they are now.
understand each other better.
“The practical solution only takes one piece of the equation into consideration. It doesn’t factor
It also takes a shared vision, and
A few years ago, Galbraith had an
in things like how we’ll align
idea for their newborn daughter’s
our values, how we’ll navigate
photos. After a lot of calling around,
the way our emotions are tied to
he found a black felt letter board
money or what money means to us
with changeable plastic white
015
A ARON CLINE HA NBURY is a contributing editor for RELEVANT. You should probably follow him on Twitter: @achanbury.
LOVE & MONEY
EIGHT QUESTIONS EVERY COUPLE SHOULD ASK Whether you’re married, engaged or just dating, these questions will help your relationship.
2018
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THE BIBLE DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING directly about
bing hands as you look toward the same horizon
dating. If it did, we’d all know because Joshua Har-
and running into life together. A great conversa-
ris would’ve written a book about it already. As a
tion to have early and often is, “So, where do you
wise man once said, “You won’t find a passage stat-
see your life going?” What we value shapes our
ing, ‘And Moses took Zipporah unto Chili’s.’” Partly
goals. Goals shape our decisions. Decisions deter-
because the ancient Hebrews had better taste than
mine our destiny. So you want to be lockstep on the
that. And because dating just wasn’t a thing in Bible
biggest issues in life.
days—mostly that.
Whoever said, “Life is not about the destina-
Yet the Bible does have much to say about evalu-
tion, it’s about the journey” must not have flown
ation. It also says a lot about marriage and relation-
on many planes. It makes a great difference if the
ships. Scripture is full of passages that encourage
flight lands in San Diego or Syria. Are you both
us to evaluate ourselves and our potential partners,
moving in the same direction?
and to grow in marriage relationships in ways that are healthy and spiritually fulfilling.
This does not mean you need to have an identical career path. But what do many couples say as
Proverbs 25:28 warns, “A man without self-con-
the reason for why they divorce? “Our lives went in
trol is like a city broken into and left without walls.”
different directions.” They don’t mean that one be-
Does that cute guy you like have a temper? Does
came a lawyer and the other a professional mime
he explode in anger or berate his friends? Does he
(That’s a thing, right?). That is not a statement
turn green and burst out of his clothes and start
about career; it is a statement about what they ul-
speaking in incomplete sentences? If the answer
timately value in life. So explore what they believe
is “yes” to the first two questions, don’t marry that
a successful life would be. What are they chasing?
guy. He won’t build up your house. He will only de-
Money? Fame? Power? Comfort? Or do they want
stroy it (If you said yes to the third question, ignore
to honor God with their lives? Find out what your
what I just said. That is Mark Ruffalo. Trap him.).
partner’s priorities are.
Proverbs 25:24 says, “It is better to live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” Do you think that was written for some poor married dude hanging off the side of his house, reading this thinking, “Now you tell me!?” No! It’s for the single man evaluating what kind of woman he should marry. When applied correctly, these timeless truths
2.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS WEEKEND?
Much of marriage involves the two of you hanging out. This does not mean
you have to have the same hobbies, but you’ve got to have a little in common.
have a lot of modern, practical applications—for
Does she like a night at home watching a movie
dating couples and married ones. Here are some
and he like going out seven nights a week? Does
questions we should ask to help us determine
she always have friends over and he just wants
whether or not we should spend the rest of our
to watch the game on the couch? You don’t have
lives with someone.
to do every single thing together—and probably
1.
shouldn’t, but here again is an area where unspoWHAT DOES SUCCESS LOOK LIKE FOR YOU IN 10 YEARS? 20? 30?
ken expectations can lead to frustration. If you envision walking to the farmers’ market
Marriage is not about staring into one
hand in hand every Saturday morning, and he en-
another’s eyes to find our meaning in
visions waking up at noon and watching ESPN until
life. It is about a couple standing side by side, grab-
midnight, you’re going to want to have talked that
017
LOVE & MONEY
KNOW THAT WHEN YOU GET MARRIED, YOU DO NOT JUST UNITE YOUR LIVES, YOU UNITE FAMILIES.
through. Some negotiating will be necessary—but
So if one of you never wants to have children
as with anything in a relationship, finding middle
and the other wants to have enough young to pop-
ground and compromising on some of your own
ulate a volleyball team, you’re going to want to
desires for the sake of your spouse is essential.
have mapped that out a bit before you walk down
3.
the aisle. WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME
It will at least disrupt her career, and may end
YOU GOT IN A FIGHT?
it entirely for an extended season. You can’t pre-
The past is often a predictor of the fu-
dict all that will come your way as you attempt to
ture. Learning how someone has han-
have kids, but you can see if you are both generally
dled conflict in the past will give you a good idea of how they will treat you when you two disagree.
headed the right direction.
they talk about the person instead of to them? Did
5.
they seek understanding and forgiveness? Or did
ing causes of marital stress is money. Not just “I
they explode and say hurtful things?
wish we had more,” but “How I spend it is very dif-
How did they respond when things didn’t go their way or when someone hurt their feelings? Did they allow distance in the relationship? Did
Proverbs states, “The words of a fool are like
HOW IS YOUR FINANCIAL SITUATION?
Do they spend every dime they make? Do they give their parents coupons for their birthdays? One of the lead-
ferent than how you spend it.”
thrusts of a sword but the tongue of the wise brings
For many people, the thought of an impending
healing.” You want to make sure you both have
marriage motivates them to get their financial act
learned the art of resolving conflict in a way that is
together. A conversation about money carries with
constructive, not destructive.
it the possibility of helping you both align your ex-
4.
penses with your priorities. Let the thought of setHOW MANY KIDS WOULD WE
tling down propel you toward being a person who
WANT TO RAISE?
handles money with generosity and wisdom.
Kids are amazing. But raising them
And if you’re already married, there’s never a
absorbs a lot of money and time. They
bad time to re-evaluate and start to make steps to
prevent sleep. Their appearance on the scene for-
get into alignment with one another and start to
ever changes a marriage.
make healthy decisions.
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6.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ON HOLIDAYS?
Most people spend time with their families on holidays, and your expec-
8.
FOR DATING COUPLES, “DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DO THIS?”
In Song of Solomon, the beloved says to her man, “Set me as a seal upon your
tations here reflect how much or how little each
heart … For love is as strong as death.” How is love
of your families will be involved in your marriage.
like death? They are alike in their strength. When
My wife’s family enjoys a nice meal together
death takes hold of something it does not let go.
at major holidays. My family does not consider
Love is like this.
Christmas celebrated properly unless we all stay
How do you know real love? It grabs hold and
in the house together for at least a week! Our fail-
says, “I will never let go.” There is a deep sense
ure to understand early on that neither philosophy
of commitment to each other. A resolve to stay
was wrong led us into some hurt feelings and argu-
even when it requires the discomfort of working
ments early in our marriage that really could have
through problems.
been avoided.
You want to make sure that when you final-
Know that when you get married, you do not
ly stand at the altar in front of God and all your
just unite your lives, you unite families. Under-
friends and declare, “I promise to love you for bet-
stand what the family dynamics are, and don’t just
ter or for worse ...” that those words reflect a deep
assume everyone was raised the way you were
resolve you already carry inside. This is how Jesus
and with the same expectations. As troubling as it
loves His Church and marriage at its best is meant
might be, the truth is, some families don’t all wear
to be a picture of this relentless kind of love.
matching footie pajamas for the entirety of Christmas day (Though, obviously, they should.).
7.
HOW OFTEN ARE YOU ASSUMING WE’RE GOING TO HAVE SEX?
Pro tip: Don’t roll out this question on the first date. However, for engaged
couples, this should be one of the most important topics of discussion. Sex is designed by God to foster and promote bonding. Your sense of connection, intimacy and oneness as a couple and your rhythm of when, how and how often you have sex will play a role in all of this. So again, here is an area where unvoiced expectations can lead to frustration. You need to figure out what the other person expects. It can be an uncomfortable conversation at first for a couple, no matter what stage of a relationship they are in, but it can prevent miscommunications
BEN STUART is in the process of planting Passion City Church in Washington, D.C.
and unrealistic expectations.
019
LOVE & MONEY
Should You Wait to “Settle Down”? BY KRISTI AN N JAM ES
H
More millennials are putting off marriage. Is there a deeper reason for it? annah Gregus is 27 years old, has a college
down.” Gregus says her family doesn’t ask her about
degree and a good job. She’s also never
being single—though she knows they’re thinking
been married, and when asked, she says
about it.
she doesn’t really feel pressure to tie the knot any time soon. “While most of my friends outside of
Pew Research Center found that when looking at
work are married, most of my day is spent at work
the percentage of each generation married between
around a predominantly single crowd,” she says.
the ages of 18 and 32, millennials are significantly
Her story is common. As research shows,
behind. Just 26 percent of millennials were married,
millennials are waiting longer and longer to “settle
2018
“They think it’s weird, but they are used to it now,” she says.
020
compared to 36 percent of Gen Xers, 48 percent of
boomers and 65 percent of the silent
percent since 1990, so even those
married and good reasons not
generation at the same age.
who made it through childhood
to. But there are also times when
with their parents’ marriage still
millennials may need to be
of married adults between 18 and 32
intact may be watching their parents
reminded that, for one reason or
years old dropped 30 percent.
divorce as adults.
another, fear may be the primary
In about 50 years, the percentage
Griesbeck describes marriage as SHIF TING VALUES
a true “existential leap” for those
The Rev. Jordan Griesbeck, a
whose parents divorced.
millennial minister at All Saints
The economy also comes into play
driver for their decisions. Sure, sometimes fear has its place, but it can also cause people to question whether God is really with
Presbyterian Church in Austin,
in shaping millennial behavior. They
them as they navigate relationships,
Texas—the city with the highest
are the most indebted generation in
finances and their spiritual lives.
concentration of millennials in
history: The average graduate of the
the U.S.—suggests this may partly
college class of 2016 carried $37,172
ways, but, Griesbeck says, they
be because millennials are about
in student loan debt.
need to remember to rest in God’s
experiences.
“Being financially stable is, for
“Their vision of the good life isn’t the suburbs,” he explains. “It’s
Their vision of the good life is a job that’s interesting, fulfilling and flexible so they can travel. Longing for experiences is a huge factor, and they think once you’re married, it’s over.” However, some
promise to never leave or forsake
me, the most important thing,”
His children— regardless of age,
Burke says. “I’m still up in the air
stage, bank account balance or
not buying a house at 26 or having three kids by 30.
Millennials are unique in many
marital status—because
Fear shouldn’t determine when you settle down. God has a plan, and that is ultimately what should guide you.
millennials say other factors are at play. For Anna Burke, a single 23-year-
He cares about people, not circumstances. “The idea that you have to be married to be a complete person is a post-WWII cultural assumption, not a biblical one,” Griesbeck says. Gregus, who is not sure when she’ll get married, understands there’s no shame
about my career choice and what I want to pursue, and when it comes
in being in a certain stage of life. “There are people who don’t want
old, it’s more important to find the
to marriage, I’m not in any rush but
to get married at all—let alone rush
right person than to simply jump
would like a companion.”
into it,” she says. “There are people
into a relationship. “I think it’s better to find that
In fact, most unmarried
who don’t want to have children.
millennials (69 percent) say they
Acknowledging those things will
companionship from good friends
would like to get married, yet
take the pressure off of people who
and not force a marriage than
many feel like they can’t because
want to, but haven’t found the right
to rush into something that is
they don’t have a solid economic
person or felt ready.”
supposed to be a forever decision,”
foundation. Facing unprecedented
she explains. “I don’t feel like I need
economic challenges, emotional
you settle down. God has a plan, and
someone to complete me, and [I
baggage from seeing so many of
that, Griesbeck says, is ultimately
think] that marriage is supposed to
their parents divorced and having
what should guide you.
be viewed as a privilege and blessing
core values tested by a shifting
rather than an obligation.”
cultural climate has given many
No other generation has seen—or
Fear shouldn’t determine when
millennials pause when it comes to
felt—the firsthand impact of divorce
“settling down.” But should those
as much as millennials: Boomers
factors prevent someone from
divorced at unprecedented rates
moving on to their next step in life?
starting in the 1980s and ‘90s. Socalled “Gray Divorces” (divorce in
FE AR NOT
couples over 50) have increased 109
There are good reasons to get
021
KRISTI A NN JA MES is a writer who lives Asheville, N.C. You can follow her @kristenannjames.
LOVE & MONEY
T H E TA K E AWAY TA L K I N G M O N E Y W I T H T H E O N E S W H O M AT T E R
Is Your Relationship on the Money? Money can mess with relationships, but it doesn’t have to.
YOU’RE IN A
IF
RELATIONSHIP, there’s
a good chance money creates tension from time to time. Don’t feel bad—literally 70 percent of couples argue about their finances. But here’s the really good news: brightpeak has gathered a team of psychologists, relationship experts, behavior science experts and financial gurus to create tools and resources to help you get to the root of financial and communication problems, and find ways to solve them—for good. Get free access to all of it at loveandmoney.com Check out brightpeak’s seven steps to help you build financial strength in your relationship. The tools and resources you’ll find throughout loveandmoney. com ensure that they are actually doable.
2018
022
1
KNOW YOUR STORY No one developed their habits, behaviors and ideas without
6
SAVE FOR BIG PURCHASES Hey, speaking of deep cuts, now we
input from their surroundings. And before you try to change
can start talking about saving for
unhealthy habits, you have to recognize where they came from.
that top-of-the-line blender you’ve
Are you carrying baggage from your parents? Did your ideas
been wanting. Want to buy a new car,
about saving and spending come from watching The Real World?
computer or even a house? Knowing
Understanding your past, personality and story is the first step.
how to save for specific items—and
You’ll both need to dig into this a little bit in order for your
communicating about the plan and
love and money to thrive. Once you understand each other’s
purchases together—makes buying
beliefs, values, emotions and behaviors around money, you can
those big items achievable.
build alignment and take meaningful action—together.
2
7
NAVIGATE SPENDING
PRACTICE GENEROSITY What’s more rewarding than being able to
So your spouse just bought an $800 blender without your
provide for your own family? Helping other
knowledge. It may be time to have a conversation about
families too. It may be listed as the last step
spending. Living within your means and communicating about
here, but that doesn’t mean you should
purchases lets you get on the same page and shore up your
wait. Generosity is important enough to
regular expenses.
start practicing it right away—and keep
Keeping track of what goes in and what goes out might seem tedious, but it’s important. Communicating about
doing it. Making sure you have enough time and
purchases is, too. From there, you can get on the same page and
money to help your church, community and
shore up your regular expenses.
causes you believe in builds an attitude of generosity and gratitude that will last the long haul.
3
PAY OFF DEBT Between student loans, car payments and credit cards, it’s easy to find yourself under a pile of debt. But don’t worry. Freedom is attainable, and it’s easier together than it is apart. And not only will it make you more financially healthy, working together as a team to achieve this big goal will bring you closer as a couple.
NOW WHAT? For most couples, this is the overwhelming part: choosing where to start. Lucky for you, brightpeak has made it easy through assessments such as their Financial Wellness Assessment. Answer a series of
4
questions, and you’ll get a comprehensive
GET INSURANCE Part of adulting involves planning for the unforeseeable. You may be a healthy, cautious, non-extreme-sports-playing athlete who always wears their seatbelt, but having insurance gives your family the peace of mind that no matter what happens (like
set of insights, plus quick and easy next steps. Learn more about this assessment, plus challenges and other interactive tools at loveandmoney.com.
say, an unfortunate blender accident), everyone is protected.
5
SAVE FOR RETIREMENT Sure, it may be decades away, but if you start saving for retirement while you’re young, you’ll have far more later—plus, you won’t have to worry about your post-career future together. There are tons of methods of saving that don’t involve making deep cuts into your lifestyle. Make sure you’re using them.
023
LOVE & MONEY
LAST WORD O N E M O R E T H I N G ...
The “M” Word Discovering ways to talk about money with your spouse Last summer, my wife and I renovated our house. In addition to making our bathrooms look much better, we discovered that a renovation is a great way to get a divorce. So is buying a double kayak. Do you know what they call double kayaks at sports stores? “Divorce duckies.” When it came time to buy one, I calculated the cost of marriage counseling versus buying two single kayaks. The two single kayaks were a lot cheaper.
WHEN IT COMES TO ARGUMENT
2. ASK QUESTIONS
STARTERS THOUGH, home repairs
The only way you’ll understand
have nothing on money.
what your spouse really believes
conversation about finances?
about money is to ask. You can’t
Bring it up on a walk around the
guess. You can’t assume. You can’t
neighborhood. Talk about it over
imagine. The best thing you can
coffee in the morning or at a fun
have to be that way. Money doesn’t
do is sit down and ask questions.
brunch on Saturday. Don’t spring
need to be a lightning rod of a
After you do that, here’s the crazy
it on someone either. If you know
conversation topic. It doesn’t need to
thing you do second: You listen.
you want to talk about it, mention
be an argument. In fact, with a few
That’s it. Ask a question and then
to your spouse, “Hey, I’d like to talk
simple tricks, you might even look
listen to the answer. Also, don’t ask
about our finances in the next few
forward to talking about money with
Ph.D.-level questions right out of
days.” Surprising someone with that
your spouse.
the gate.
topic is often a surefire way to get
Few things in our marriages cause more problems than money. The good news is, it doesn’t
Here are three easy things
What’s a Ph.D.-level question?
you can do to change the money
Here’s an example: “What are
conversation in your house:
the secret rules you grew up with and maybe inherited from your
bring up the topic of money. Want to instead have a great
into a disagreement. Money isn’t easy, but it’s certainly not impossible. It can even be fun. Winning together, hitting goals
1. START SMALL
father in the way he approached
together and buying fun stuff
What often happens is that one
money?” Whoa, you went full
together can be awesome.
person reads a book about debt or
therapist! Take it slowly. Ask things
sees a video online and gets all fired
like, “What amount of money
can become something you actually
up. They come home and want to
in savings would make you feel
enjoy talking about.
change everything overnight. They
comfortable? Are there any things
Want a better relationship?
enter the house like a tornado of
you think we overspend on right
Start by talking about money.
financial information spitting out
now? Do you ever feel stressed out
And never buy a double kayak.
facts and statistics. Slow down. You
about money?”
don’t need to fix your finances in the
With the right approach, money
JON ACUFF
first conversation. In fact, you don’t
3. DON’T DO IT RIGHT BEFORE BED
even need a huge goal for your first
Want to get into an argument?
conversation.
Wait until your spouse is
his latest, Finish, Give
exhausted from the day without
Yourself The Gift Of
any brainpower left and then
Done.
Start small. Ease into it. Don’t go in like a bull in a china shop.
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024
is the best-selling author of six books, including
03
LOVE & MONEY
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