reSOUND II

A QUARTERLY FOR BLACK LESBIANS AND ALLIES

INSIDE 2 OF 4 FOR 2012

.My Father & Me .Masturbation In Relationships .Choosing Our Legacy .Love In Spite of Distance .Good Reads .Sound Solutions .Self-Proclaimed

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house rules

The term “homosexuality” is only used in direct quotes, in the context of historical references, or when present in cited materials.

Lesbian is an adjective and noun.

The ‘B’ in “Black” is always capitalized.

Editor-in-Chief: L. Cherelle I’d be a bold face lie if I said that the second issue of reSOUND was completed days in advance, and that I didn’t stay up into the wee hours of the night completing the layout of a few spreads to meet the May 16 release date. I’m a functioning procrastinator. I’m not proud of this trait, but it’s a living, breathing part of me. Do or die, my mission is to shed light on our experiences, as well as create a platform for each contributor, in order to bridge our intersecting communities.

This issue contains writing that is close and personal to our individual and collective experiences—with a focus on emotional, physical, and interpersonal wellness. reSOUND’s contributors are “everyday” women. We work full-time, deal with financial hardships and family drama just like everyone else. In sharing our experiences, we hope to build community, camaraderie, and esteem among our sisters, peers, and allies.

Thank you to the hundreds of readers who downloaded or purchased the first issue, and I also appreciate those of you who personally contacted Resolute about reSOUND. As always, I encourage your feedback and participation.

Respectfully submitted,

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Resolute Publishing Resolute is a publishing collective that offers African American female writers who consider themselves “everyday people” a voice and port of connection to other women, men, and families. We promote quality publications that are targeted to communities of color and LBGTQ audiences. Resolute uses printed words to speak, share, uplift, and foster self and community esteem. Success for every Resolute author means something different, but all authors share a passion for reading and the livelihood of other women.

to ensure the accuracy of information published in reSOUND. Resolute Publishing is not responsible for errors or omissions or liable for misprints or typographical errors in advertisements. The opinions expressed herein are those of the writers and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of the publisher.

Material in this magazine cannot be reproduced or transmitted in any form or any means (electronic, mechanical or otherwise) in whole or part without the publisher’s permission.

reSOUND is published quarterly and distributed via print and digital editions. Every effort has been made

Copyright © 2012 Resolute Publishing, LLC. All rights reserved.

Mailing Address: P.O. Box 2131 | Louisville, KY 40201

Contributors

Nikki Jones Writer

T. Allen

Columnist

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Z. Bediako Writer

Veronica Delaney Writer

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inside Issue 2 of 4 for 2012

perspective 6 My Father & Me 8 Masturbation In Relationships 10 Choosing Our Legacy 16 Love In Spite of Distance Page 6

good reads 20 SBF Seeking 25 Accept the Unexpected

sound solutions Page 10

21 How Soon Is Too Soon?

self-proclaimed 22 Darla Thompson

etcetera 27 You’re Wanted Page 22 Inside this Issue

MY FATHER & ME

by L. Cherelle & Nikki Jones

Contributor Nikki Jones, my partner of almost nine years (not counting our break ups, lol), is my right hand lady. Throughout our relationship, it has been interesting to observe the similarities and differences we share with family members, particularly our fathers. We’ve witnessed, talked about, and emotionally experienced the ups and downs with our family members. Naturally, for the majority of our relationship, the focus has been on our mothers. Although our fathers are a part of our journeys, we’ve never taken the time to direct attention on them. As a couple, and individually, the opinions of our parents do not weigh heavily on our life decisions. Why? We are competent adults, traveling down our own self-defined paths; therefore, their support, or lack thereof, won’t hinder our happiness, goals, or growth. Nevertheless, Nikki and I understand that it is critical to have support and connection with the men who are in our lives. And there are no men closer to us than our fathers. We believe that straight men— especially men of our father’s generation—should realize and take ownership of the impact they can have in diminishing the homophobia and heterosexism that exists in their respective families, within their peers groups, and their community as a whole.

In the words that proceed, Nikki and I conducted a Q&A with our fathers for their experiences and thoughts about their lesbian daughter.

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perspective

Nikki...

“Have a good life,” is what my father said to me one day in 2005. I barely remember that day, but I’ll never forget those four words. He was incarcerated, but I was being dismissed. My mother revealed that I was gay during one of their routine phone calls. She was probably pissed about something. She also told him that it was his fault that I was gay because of his absence in my sisters and my upbringing.

During that time my father was serving a three-year sentence, and the rare contact we had was via the telephone. In the midst of his dismissive comment, he failed to realize that I was having a good life. I was in my senior year of undergrad, living with my partner of two years in our first off-campus apartment. So what he thought was irrelevant.

After that conversation, we didn’t talk again for nearly a year. It wasn’t until he was on parole, living in a halfway house that he called to reconnect. It was weird to talk to him because that was something that we had never done. As usual, he asked the questions and I answered. But given the last conversation, I certainly didn’t have much to say.

I was never close to my father as a child. Growing up, my sisters and me admired him from a distance.

So when he began to reach out in my early 20’s, I cautiously accepted. Through many conversations in past five years, our relationship has progressively matured.

When I asked my father to revisit his thoughts and feelings on my self-identification as a lesbian, he agreed to disclose where he stood, mentally, in 2005. I didn’t expect him to reveal anything new or surprising because he has grown into a supportive and accepting man. However, I wanted to reexamine his initial reactions about my same gender loving preference, and gain an understanding for how he arrived to where he is today. Here is what he said…

What did you picture for my future in terms of a relationship?

I figured you would do like a typical girl and get married. I just hoped the person would not be sorry.

I never pictured you with a guy like me or a person who would misuse you.

How did you find out?

I don’t know if it was your momma, sisters, or who told me. I don’t remember who told. But, I found out when I was in prison.

What was your first reaction?

Looking back, I remember feeling bad about it. You think you’ve done something wrong as a parent out of stupidity. I wondered what I didn’t do. Maybe, if I wouldn’t have been such a horrible daddy or would’ve been around things would’ve been different.

It’s a projection. I thought me being a horrible daddy was the reason. I felt uneasy about not being a good father. And, I felt the things I did affected your choice.

I know that’s not it now because I know you and me better.

What’s your greatest fear or worry?

I think about you getting jumped on, such as a guy feeling he can change you sexually or someone raping you. Things like that. I hate to think like that, but I am aware of the world we live in.

How do you feel you can - -be- of support to me and the LGBT community?

I try to support your decisions. I try to stay informed.

--Today, my dad is my quintessential example of transcendence. Through his self-work, I know that if he can change, anyone can. I never imagined that my father and me would have a positive, loving relationship—which has taught me that you never know what’s in store for you in adulthood.

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My Father & Me 7

reSOUND is pleased to introduce T. Allen of Somebody Has 2 Know—where the topics are heated and the juice just keeps on coming. She spotlights interesting and controversial topics that trigger issues in the lesbian community. First up, the effects of masturbation in relationships…

Recently, my friend “Carmen” wanted some advice about her relationship with “Trina" and the following situation. Carmen was watching television in bed one day when she discovered an Energizer battery under their covers. Now, Carmen’s first thought was to check the remote that she’d just adjusted the volume with to see if it had come from there. Well, the batteries in the remote were a different brand, and yes, they were both in there. The only thing Carmen could think was that Trina was masturbating while she was out of the house. Although I was trying to be supportive during our conversation, an immature laughter sprung up within me because, at first thought, this was a weird situation and extremely personal.

As we continued to talk, Carmen shared her concerns. She felt that they had a great sex life, so why would Trina feel the need to masturbate? Was Trina dissatisfied? Was something lacking in their relationship, or was this just something for Trina to do?

Although numerous friends call wanting advice or just to vent about relationship issues, and I usually have something great to say that shakes the foundations of their worlds (at least that's how I view it in my mind – LMAO – j/k), I couldn't think of a reason

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why a battery would be under the covers initially.

But now, I have more insight as to why.

why is masturbation a healthy practice? > It relieves stress or tension. > It relieves depressive emotions (through hormones). > It’s a safe alternative to sex. > It stimulates the immune system. > It relieves pre-menstrual symptoms. > It induces sleep (for better rest). > It strengthens pelvis floor. > It helps with sexual dysfunctions. > It helps prevent cervical dysfunction.

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The saying that goes “you can’t please someone else until you know how to please yourself ” may be true, but could that simply be the reason for the mystery battery? The fact is, some women simply love sex. Some women love to cum. And when she’s providing the pleasure, it’s better because only she truly knows what feels good all the time.

Masturbation is a healthy practice, so long as it doesn’t interfere with other sexual interactions, especially between partners.

So, if you come home to find a vibrator or batteries in your sheets, breathe a sigh of relief for several reasons: 1) Your partner is probably not cheating, 2) It can relieve you of having to sexually perform if and/or when she’s in the mood and you’re not, and 3) It has the potential to enhance your sex life.

Give your opinions and feedback on this one because it’s important to understand every angle of this topic. Has this happened to you? Are you the masturbator or the one who’d find the battery under the covers? How do you feel about masturbating while in a relationship? Tell it all because Somebody Has 2 Know. You just might help out the next one.

Until next time...T. Allen Speaks

Masturbation in Relationships 9

Photo from Komen Tissue Bank website

AN ACCOUNT OF MY TISSUE DONATION

by L. Cherelle Every morning while driving to work, I flip back and forth between the Russ Parr and Tom Joyner Morning Shows. On one particular day this February, I tuned in to the latter, catching the tail end of a conversation urging African American women to donate breast tissue to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Tissue Bank at the IU Simon Cancer Center. The Komen Tissue Bank (KTB) was building the largest collection of normal breast tissue, and desperately needed samples from Black women.

another typical day.

I pulled into my usual parking space and took mental note of the website. After disarming the alarm and entering my office, I visited the website curious for

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details. Scanning the site, I learned that the KTB was requesting tissue samples from the general populace because it is “the only repository in the

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world for normal breast tissue and matched serum, plasma and DNA…studying normal tissue with the ultimate goal of curing breast cancer.” I also learned that tissue samples were only being collected at the KTB headquarters in Indianapolis. I didn’t have any reservations about traveling 118 miles to participate, so I clicked “Schedule An Appointment to Donate Tissue.” I completed the Eligibility Test and Event Sign-up forms, only to learn that there were no available or upcoming slots. Oh well, I tried. I placed myself on the “Interested Donor List” just in case.

Less than 48 hours later, I received a message that slots were available and that I could indeed sign-up for donation. I was a prospective African American donor; therefore, I wasn’t so surprised about the sudden opening. I revisited the site and scheduled my donation for 12:40 p.m. on Saturday, March 10.

Now, I just had to go home and tell my partner. Not surprisingly, she shook her head and disagreed with my decision.

why?

My partner knows that I’m well aware of the history of medical experimentation and exploitation of Black women’s bodies in this country (and abroad). Ever heard of Anarcha? Henrietta Lacks? I know that we’d been poked, prodded, used, abused, forced, coerced, paraded, and showcased. I’ve read about the Black community’s deep-seated distrust of the medical community and the long history of vile medical practices and pseudoscience that helped shape our present-day health disparities.

I knew our foremothers didn’t have the liberty of informed consent, or the choice to walk away from experiments, unwanted procedures, or unethical practices. Yet still, Black women’s seemingly doomed lots produced monumental contributions to modern science and medicine. In our suffering and humiliation, we sustained the world. Furthermore, I hate hospitals and I avoid doctors at all costs, but I wanted to be a part of their legacies in some way.

Maybe because I had the resources or the right to choose…maybe out of curiosity…maybe it was altruism. Whatever the influence, I had an immediate desire to feel connected.

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I knew our foremothers didn’t have the liberty of informed consent, or the choice to walk away from experiments, procedures, or unethical practices.

donation day.

As expected, my partner respected my autonomy and supported my decision. We left Louisville around 10:25 a.m. and arrived at the specified parking garage on the campus of Indiana University-Perdue University Indianapolis around 12:25 a.m. As written in the confirmation email I’d previously received, the entire process would take 1 to 1½ hours. However, my visit lasted for upwards of 3 hours for several reasons. Let’s begin here…

The process of donating to the KTB was a well-run operation. At the check-in station, a volunteer—a pretty sistah with kinky hair—greeted me. After I gave my name to the receptionists (also volunteers) and received a snap folder, she escorted me to the next station. The folder contained informed consent forms and vials for blood donation. I sat with the next volunteer at the informed consent station as she explained the purpose of the tissue donation, briefed me on the consent forms, and explained that I could exit the process for any reason at any time.

I signed the consent forms and was escorted to the next station. I sat at a row of laptops to complete a questionnaire about my personal and familial medical history. After submitting the questionnaire, I was escorted to a crowded waiting area for the next step in the process. There were women of all ages, several of whom were African American. I waited for about 10 minutes before being called to enter the part of the facility that more visibly resembled a hospital to have my weight and height assessed and to donate three vials of blood. Then I went back to the waiting area until my name was called for the breast tissue donation. This is where I ran into a bottleneck... (continued on next page)

Choosing Our Legacy 11

Because of staff shortage and change over, I waited approximately 1½ hours before being called for the tissue donation.

After my long and mostly impatient wait, I was escorted to a procedure room. A male doctor entered with two volunteer surgery techs and explained the process of tissue donation. The doctor and surgery tech exited the room, while the other tech (a Black women in my peer group) gave me a gown and directions about undressing. They all came back about two minutes later. Finally, it was time to donate. I laid back and was lifted mid-air. The doctor opened the smock and lifted my right arm upwards and backwards. As we engaged in small talk, he applied Betadine to clean the upper, outer quadrant of my right breast before injecting Lidocaine. Next, a machine was kicked on and he inserted a vacuum device, extracting three, pea-sized tissue samples. The samples looked like chicken fat with a bit of blood.

From prep to completion, the entire tissue donation took about five minutes. Afterwards, the doctor and surgery tech left. The Black tech stayed behind to apply the required 10 minutes of pressure to the biopsy site. Needless to say, it was awkward to lay there with the upper half of my body exposed as she pressed into my tit. I told her, “This is weird,” and we talked for what seemed like half an hour. Somehow or another in our conversation, she told me about a recent crisis. While driving with her two children, she was pulled over and arrested. Because someone had stolen her identity and committed several crimes, she had to spend four days in jail, subsequently missing over a week of school and facing damage to her reputation. I also learned about her upcoming filing of bankruptcy and listened as she talked about her mechanic boyfriend.

After I redressed, I looked at the white sheets on the exam table. There was a little blood on the sheet, but I wasn’t suspicious. After all, I’d just undergone a biopsy. The surgery tech placed an ice pack in my bandeau bra and I left the room. After being thanked numerous times and escorted to the final station to check out, I received my parting gift. I walked back to the check-in station where my partner was patiently waiting. As she closed a textbook and folder, I stuck

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my hand under my cardigan to touch the ice pack.

When I pulled my hand out, my fingers were covered with blood. I found the closest volunteer and told her that I was bleeding. She walked me back to the medical rooms and located a doctor, who happened to be a lead KTB physician. She said, “That’s not good,” and located an empty medical room. As I undressed again, the doctor stepped out to find a nurse. When they returned, the nurse applied pressure to my breast. When they exchanged positions, the nurse placed my wet bra, camisole, and cardigan in a plastic bag. Then the doctor left the room for materials to bandage the wound. She returned with a pack of Always Overnight Ultra Thin Maxi pads. Yes, the green pack with wings. She checked the injection site again to ensure that the bleeding had stopped as the nurse placed a box of gauze, surgical tape, and three ice pads in another plastic bag. After the nurse left, the doctor told me that a golf-sized hematoma (i.e. mass of blood) had formed in my breast, and gave me instructions about applying pressure in the following days. After I felt the firm hematoma in my breast, she wiped the blood from my torso. As I washed the dried blood from my hands and finger nails with a pale of water, the doctor opened and folded the pad inward. Then she tapped the small wad to my breast.

Over 30 minutes later, I put on a green scrub top and was finally able to leave.

My breast after tape and pad were removed.

It’s hard to see, but the bulge of the hematoma was visible.

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The ordeal was over, but unexpected occurrences weren’t done with me yet. My partner and I ran into a dilemma just outside of Indianapolis. We were frustrated, and I was sore and achy. But I assisted her as best as I could. Over an hour later, we were finally on our way home. About forty miles from Louisville, we stopped at Applebee’s for dinner. It was strange to sit in a public space braless in a scrub top. But I pulled my coat closed and tried to enjoy our meal.

Prior to and after the donation, I continue to think about breasts and self-identification. Point-blankperiod, I like my breasts. They are part of my womanhood, sexuality, esteem, and outfits. But what about women with less femme identifications?

Or women who don’t hold strong connections with their breasts? I wonder how women with differing attitudes deal with cancer in a part of the body that’s technically there by default.

Researchers at the University of California Davis recently published a report in Advances in Breast Cancer Research titled “The Unmet Needs of African American Women with Breast Cancer.” As explained in this report, the majority of studies conducted with Black women have not focused on “the specific clinical experiences of African American women during treatment for breast cancer and in survivorship. The studies that have addressed the issue of breast cancer in African American women have focused primarily on early detection and epidemiological variables such a screening, mortality and staging at diagnosis.”

Close up of injection site.

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However, these researchers surveyed 137 women “to explore the clinical experiences, concerns and needs of African American women who had survived breast cancer. The African American women reported that their physicians did not provide adequate disease and treatment information; did not discuss clinical trials with them; and did not offer access to support services.”

Of course, I don’t know if any of the 137 participants identified as lesbian. But I do know that as a subgroup, Black lesbian women lack resources (e.g. health insurance, employment, marriage), live in higher rates of poverty, and have less established support networks. Lesbian women can also face anxiety about coming out to doctors and subsequent treatment. And according to statistics provided by Susan G. Komen for the Cure, “lesbians [and women who partner with women] tend to have higher rates of obesity and alcohol use, both of which can increase breast cancer risk. For many women, reproductive health issues are their main link to the health care system (for example, during pregnancy)…But because fewer lesbians have children and therefore, may not seek routine health care, they may have fewer opportunities to have routine breast cancer screening. As a result, breast cancer may not be found at an early stage.” All of these factors decrease our chances of survival.

Nearly ten weeks later, there is a faint scar from the biopsy and my hematoma is still present. The size has decreased and I rarely feel discomfort.

In the upcoming weeks, I am promising myself to schedule an appointment for an ultrasound so that I can monitor the state of my right breast.

Given that I am fortunate enough to have health insurance, I need to be more proactive in this matter and my overall health. I encourage readers to do the same. It’s challenging, but we must make it a priority to live well and to support our wellness so that we may survive. •

Choosing Our Legacy 13

My Father & Me continued

L. Cherelle...

For the majority of my childhood, I lived in a single parent household, but my father has always been present in my life. After my parents divorced, my father never lived more than five miles away. And when my parents found their new, permanent residences, their houses were literally one block a part. During my youth, I spent my afternoons at his house after school. When my mother worked night shifts, I was there. And when my daddy jumped into his RV to visit family, I was riding by his side. Today, at age twenty-eight, I know that if push comes to shove, I can always call him for support.

I consider myself an introvert, and at times, I can be socially reserved. If this trait was inherited, it definitely came from my daddy. From my experiences with him, he is a man of few words. So when it came to talking with him about our relationship and his perspective, I was very eager to hear what he say for two reasons.

One, we never had the conversation before. And two, I’d actually hear him elaborate. I began by asking my dad if he felt that we had a good relationship. As expected, he gave me a one-word answer, “Yes.” But I knew that my subsequent questions would require more words. This is a summary of our conversation...

Have you ever feared for myself safety?

I’ve worried about you being out there in the big bad world by yourself.

Have you ever feared for my safety because of my sexual orientation?

No, I don’t think that’s an issue. I don’t think it’s unsafe being in any relationship because people are crazy regardless.

When did you know that I had a girlfriend?

It took a while, but I just figured it out.

What was your first reaction?

I started to ask, but after a while I figured it didn’t matter. I’m a little old school, so it took me a while to get there. As long as you were happy, that’s all that mattered.

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“A parent’s responsibility is to love and support their child until they can do it themselves.”

Did you have any particular hopes for my future?

I wanted you to do well and to get a college education—not just get out of high school and get a job.

How can you be of support to me and the larger LGBT community?

By treating people the way I want to be treated.

If I show people that it’s no different than other relationships, then they can feel the same way.

Between each question and answer, we talked about several things. I learned that his experiences with coworkers who had children in same sex relationships influenced his “my daughter is gay” realization too. He told me about a co-worker with a son that came out after entering college. And about another coworker who struggled with her son’s orientation.

My daddy felt that the experience of seeing her son care for a partner whom he loved and cared for until his death, helped sway her once oppositional feelings.

We also shared our opinions about President Obama’s recent endorsement of gay marriage, our feelings about religion and its tainted influence, and people’s attitudes about same-gender love in general. Truth be told, that was the longest, most consecutively stated conversation I can ever recall having with my father.

--I’ve desired for my father and me to strengthen our bond through more frequent talks and by learning about each other on a more personal level. This conversation reaffirmed for me some of the characteristics that I knew about him (e.g. he’s smart), and has hopefully opened the door for more of the same in the future. • www.ResPublishing.com

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Poetry=Honesty+Realness 15

Love in Spite of Distance

by Z. & Roni c d

The first time we met wasn’t a date, yet we both claim it was the best “date” we ever had.

We had been pals for a while through the popular social networking site, Quirky Black Girls. Because we admired each other’s politics and shared an interest in Buddhism, we began exchanging personal emails. Roni called me while she was on a trip from Georgia to Philly for a Buddhist Convention, the Sokkai Gakki International’s Rock the Era. I was pleased to meet an acquaintance, but little did I know my purpose was to meet the woman with whom I would ascend on a very special, personal journey.

Sparks flew all of over the place when we meet each other. It could have been the fourth of July in Philly as we were walking around downtown searching for a place to grab drinks. When Veronica made it back to Georgia we found ourselves communicating more frequently, and eventually we admitted there was something special between us.

That’s when Roni and I decided to pursue a long distance relationship (LDR). Lucky for me, Roni lived in my home state (Georgia) so I could see her whenever I visited family.

Now we had to figure out how we, as two Black queer women, were going to grow together while nurturing the LDR. Through hard work, trust, faith, and commitment we proved successful. And after two years of having an LDR, we now live in the same city. Just in case you ever find love with a person in a distant city, don’t take it as a loss.

Here’s our top ten list of tips for navigating a successful LDR.

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In the essential black feminist text, Sisters of the Yam, bell hooks writes, “The art of practicing love begins with our capacity to recognize and affirm ourselves.”

Before you engage in a LDR, take time to engage in self-assessment. Ask yourself, “Do I love me? Do I affirm me?” You must have the capacity to love yourself and trust yourself first before you attempt to love an individual in a completely different state! Are you comfortable with spending more time with self?

Do you have self-efficacy? Can you trust that you are worth someone’s love, care, and concern over long distance? Checking in with yourself is key. And if you find that you don’t have the highest esteem, find a path towards loving and appreciating yourself fully.

In LDRs, you have to discuss how often you can reasonably see each other. This is very important.

For some folks in LDR’s, the distance is mended by an easy train ride or quick drive. For us, the distance required a plane ride or bus ride from hell. Either way, physical time is important. But you can only meet as often as time and money can afford. For cheap bus rides consider Bolt Bus or Megabus. You may have to transfer buses, but with time it will be smooth as silk. You can also find cheap flights through Air Tran, but be sure to look at other airlines because they sometimes share prices. With Air Tran, search for ticket very early in the morning, especially on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Some couples are only able to see their spouses once every few months, or for others twice a month, but there are other ways to communicate and “see” each other coming up.

3 are we crystal clear? setting parameters Make sure to set parameters for the relationship.

Is your LDR open or monogamous? Will you talk everyday or just weekly? Can you casually date

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Z. & Roni over long distance, or does dating mean automatic relationship for you? If it is a relationship, what does this mean for the two of you? Although it could be hard at first to decide the status of the relationship, you must be on the same page. So talk about your goals (short and long term) to ensure the future health of your relationship.

When your girl lives out of town, it can sometimes feel like she isn’t part of your “real life.” To prevent this feeling, make her a priority by setting aside quality time each week. One of the reasons some people don’t initiate LDRs is because of the myth that you can’t hang out or get to know someone from a distance. This is far from the truth. You can get to know a person from a distance in a number of ways, but you must be creative. One of our favorites ways to spend time together was by having movie dates.

We both created Netflix accounts so we could watch TV shows and movies together while the phone.

Skype is a great way to communicate from a distance, and FaceTime on iPhone helps facilitate meaningful time together as well. Writing traditional letters and sending random notes (continued on next page)...

Love in Spite of Distance 17

is an underrated and special way to foster your bond.

You could also surprise her with a care package. This will give you plenty of Brownie points, which will come in handy later!

One of the things you must be prepared for is making sacrifices. Get used to being flexible and “giving in” while in a LDR. For example, you may find yourself spending time on the phone, even though you’re not a telephone person. And if you don’t like to fly, you may have to adjust your attitude about flying. Long distance relationships require a lot of work and you must be willing to let go of a certain level of comfort for the sake of your relationship. But doing so can be beneficial because you get over fears or develop a part of you that you’ve confined for some time.

Although there are many Black queer women who have support from their family members, and are open about their sexuality, there are those who have been ostracized by family, thereby creating a chosen family through friends. We guarantee you that your friends will have a lot to say about your LDR. Make sure you are strong in your commitment to your partner so that way when you get feedback from friends, you don’t allow their opinions to sway you.

In our experience, we had friends say that the other was cheating, and some said that they could never be in a LDR. It was hard for some to understand why we would initiate and maintain a LDR. At one point, a friend said, “You know you can find someone here in Philly right?” Relish in the support that you do receive from family and friends, and soak up as much 18 reSOUND - Issue 2 of 4 for 2012

encouragement as you can get. But you may have to remind them that they should be understanding and supportive of your decisions.

Money does matter in long distance relationships. If your finances are not in order before the LDR, begin to take the necessary steps that ensure that money won’t hinder you. Being in an LDR can result in frequent travel and high cellphone bills. Make sure your phone plan is compatible to both of your talking needs. Some cellphone companies have mobileto-mobile minute plans, which is essential for any LDR. Technology plays a large role in LDRs, so be prepared to pay for the luxury of frequent, video communication. However, do not get so caught up with the expenses of the LDR that you ignore your personal responsibilities. And if your goal is to eventually relocate to the same the city, have a savings plan so that you can pay for the future moving expenses.

Just because you’re in a long distance relationship doesn’t mean that you can’t have highly satisfying sexual experiences with your partner. Intimacy is an important aspect of the relationship and getting to know someone’s body from afar can be exciting.

Phone sex or masturbation (via the phone or camera) are just two ways to “experience” your long distance partner. But there is an art to LDR masturbation, so take the time to learn and explore it. Be open to trying new things, even toys! Remember, you have to be creative.

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If she doesn’t answer the phone when you call, don’t assume that she’s having an affair. Always be direct if you have questions or doubts because the worst thing you can do is to assume. If you’re in a relationship with a partner that has some insecurities, be mindful and sensitive to them. If she needs reassurance, give it to her. If she needs for you to check in when you get home from work, check in. This is completely healthy when it’s not obsessive or possessive. You always want your partner to understand that you’re not hiding anything and that communication is open between the two of you. But if you want to be trusted, be sure you are loyal to the relationship.

Like other things in life, there will come a point when your long distance relationship reaches a peak. You and your sweetie might come to a point where you may want to relocate in order to end the stress of expensive flights, lonely nights, or tables for one. In some cases, you might not have the financial means or the ability to move due to other obligations, for example. If this is the case, reassess the relationship.

If you decide to keep pushing forward, use the tips we’ve given. Whatever you chose, keep the future in mind. Have conversations about what you want your future to look like, both physically and time-wise, and make plans about where you would both like to live? Again, with all LDRs, there comes a time

when the topic of relocation becomes paramount. It’s very important to realize this fact from the moment you both decide that your relationship is worth the labor of love and distance. Ask yourself, “What are my circumstances?”

--Recently, Z. and I decided that relocating was best for us because we wanted to take our relationship to the next level. Since I had just started a new career and Z. had always thought of moving back home to Georgia, we made a big decision that would change our lives forever. Our LDR wasn’t easy, but through faith and constant support for each other, we are growing each day. The reality of the matter is that no transition is ever easy. But if you both focus on the goals (e.g. starting a life together, growing together, allowing the relationship to thrive) then positive energy will carry the relationship forward. Relocation doesn’t always equate to “u-hauling” (i.e. moving in together prematurely). Although moving in together is more financially practical, relocating to closer cities is an option as well. Again, it’s very important to consider each other’s circumstances.

All in all, the survival of a LDR is no different than those just around the corner. Any type of relationship requires trust and honesty, as well as tons of patience.

Although communication can be strained, and lack of physical contact stressing, the LDR is well worth the joys and pains if you believe that you’ve found the perfect mate. But once you begin the LDR, beware of tough decisions and make-or-break arguments.

Nevertheless, if you’re honest and confident in what you want, your relationship—long distant or not— will flourish. • Peace and many blessings, Z. and Roni

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Love in Spite of Distance 19

good reads

Yvette’s small town life in eastern North Carolina never prepared her for the personal journey she undertakes as she struggles to find her heart’s path. Through personal ads and late night visits to an adult bookstore, Yvette learns more about her own personal desires than she ever did when she was engaged to be married. If she embraces her true self, can she find acceptance and love from her family and friends? Or will she be forced to hide who she really is from those she cares about the most?

20 reSOUND - IssueISBN 2 of 4 for 2012 - 9781468030105

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| Publisher -JMS Books | Publication Date - Jan. 20, 2012 | Cover Price - $14.50

ss

SOUNDSOLUTIONS Nikki Jones is a therapist-in-training and second-year graduate student at the University of Louisville. She currently works with families, couples, and individuals at a community mental health agency.

We’ve all been placed in situations with family members, friends, or coworkers where we’ve shared our experiences and given advice only to have it fall on deaf ears. From my personal and professional life, I’ve learned that most people don’t heed “sound advice.” As a matter of fact, they aren’t even looking for us to tell them something. They just want talk and be heard. Therefore, my role in this quarterly comes with the following caveat: you are the expert and the authority on your situation. I am a conduit to help YOU uncover the answers that you already possess. The goal here is to promote richer dialogue. So, I wouldn’t define my responses as advice per se, rather respectful curiosity to assist with the process of personal discovery and more informed decision-making. ~Nikki

HOW SOON IS TOO SOON? Raye recently solicited some advice about moving in with Dina, a new girlfriend who she’s dated monogamously for two months. They met on a social networking site nearly six months ago. Raye’s lease was ending, so instead of continuing to overpay rent on an efficiency, she was strongly considering moving in with Dina. After acknowledging her reservations and concern about perpetuating the stereotype of a ‘U-haul lesbian,’ Raye and I approached the situation by working through five key points.

Point 1: Examining the Urge to Merge First, Raye clearly dictated the pros and cons of cohabiting with Dina. Although she didn’t regard this move as a monumental life task, she was concerned about how cohabitation could shake up their budding relationship.

Point 2: Assess Compatibility Of course, Raye is smitten for Dina. The prospect of seeing the woman she enjoys every morning and

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every night almost completely prevented her from assessing the situation rationally.

An initial stage of dating/relationships is infatuation. As one could imagine, at this stage in the development of the bond, compatibility and commitment are downplayed while strong physical and sexual attraction are explored. Initial but limited commitment follows infatuation. (continued on page 26)...

How Soon Is Too Soon? 21

Self-Proclaimed (S-P) features Black, queer women of all ages who have declared her capabilities and strengths, and embarked on a journey guided by her passions, talents, and aspirations. Self-proclaimed women don’t wait for legal authorities to grant their title or status. She sets her terms and presses forward without the endorsement of others.

Through S-P, we hope that you can find inspiration and passion in your journey too.

This quarter, S-P is dedicated to 42-year old, screenprinter and barber, Darla Thompson.

Born and raised in Louisville, she is first and foremost an artist. Naturally, her current businesses are an extension of her artist gift.

If we wait for the powers-that-be to deem us as worthy, we’ll never be anything. Sometimes, you’ve got to do your own thing.

In college, a friend invited me to a Public Enemy concert. I wasn’t a follower of rap music at the time, so I was like, “Who’s Public Enemy?” I listened to “Fight the Power” prior to attending the concert and loved the song. It inspired me to create my first t-shirt. I drew a fist busting through the continent of Africa. I took the shirt to the concert and threw it onto the stage. I was fascinated by it. From that point forward, everything that I drew and thought that people would like, I printed onto a t-shirt.

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Eventually, I started to sell t-shirts for a local screenprinter. In return for my artwork, he taught me how to screenprint. I created shirts for several years before officially opening my screenprinting business, 2Bass6, in 2003. However, my first business ventures began in childhood. I cut grass, collected and sold glass soda bottles, and sold candy at school. These activities, along with the examples set by my grandparents and father, set the tone for entrepreneurial endeavors in adulthood.

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s-p

UNTITLED

Growing up, I’d go to my father’s house every weekend. He’d be in the mirror picking his hair out and cutting it with the clippers. I watched and watched, but one day I asked, “Daddy can I do it?” He was like, “Girl are you crazy?” That weekend, I had a “Dennis to Menace” moment and took my father’s clippers without asking. The following weekend, I asked my little cousin if I could cut his hair and he agreed. That was my first cut. I was around ten years old when I fell in love with cutting hair, and I’ve been cutting ever since.

Working in corporate America, I often saw people in leadership positions bully their colleagues. I grew tired of seeing the same old stuff. Even though I could see where I was making a difference, I also knew that I couldn’t control that environment. Even if I was promoted to a higher level of management, I didn’t

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want to be any part of that. And to stay there silently, I would’ve been in collusion with it. So I decided to do it on my own. At age 34, I quit my job and my father sent me to barbering school. During the same time, I bought my own screenprinting equipment.

I didn’t think about the financial adjustment or lifestyle change required from loosing a stable salary, or the time it would take to build clientele. Those were lessons learned. But, I also learned that to open a business, you have to step out on faith. It may be rough for a while, but it’s worth it.

I completed barbering school and went straight into the barbershop. When I first got there, I didn’t know the language. I felt like I was in a whole a new world.

Being included in the men’s club, I heard all their conversations. For almost nine years, I’ve been a “fly on the wall” of their club. This led me to write The Female Barber: Your Fly on the Wall (continued on next page)...

Darla Thompson 23

This upcoming book will shed light on the lack of “village” in our community, and situations that I’ve encountered through comedy and tragedy. It contains anecdotes about how everything isn’t what it appears to be, and how things that I once wasn’t accepting of, I began to accept. It also involves some pain, because when people talk about gay people in the barbershop, it hurts. And it includes, for example, observations about times that I’ve seen females give other females suspicious looks. And I’ve seen men who are fathers never bring their sons to the shop.

Because I had a good dad growing up, this book incorporates the personal too.

My auntie, Rosa Macklin, is the typhoon of my family.

In elementary, when I had an assignment to write about my hero, I wrote about my auntie. Throughout the years, her positive qualities were embedded in me. She’s currently running for District 1 Metro Council. She’s been my mentor and continues to set the tone for what I do. • REPLICA OF AFRICAN MASK

Travel. Exposure makes a difference

My artwork is influenced by poetry or contemplative morning thoughts.

The artwork that I incorporate into prints or canvases often has a spiritual influence or thoughtprovoking message. And because my artwork is the basis of my shirts, I have an array of customers— including other artists seeking new mediums for their work.

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in people’s lives.

I’m a girly-girly. No, I don’t go to the shop with a skirt or my sandals on. I’m there to cut hair. Because I have a basketball swagger— I came up an athlete—it gives me a tomboy persona. But I’m femme.

I want to be retired and into other ventures.

But even if I left the barbershop, I would maintain my chair.

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good reads

I wish more Black lesbian relationships operated with the reality found between the covers of “Accept the Unexpected.” ~Sistahs on the Shelf

Keleya Smith is a confident Southern woman who finds herself at an inadvertent crossroad at age twenty-six, waiting for life to unveil meaning and purpose. She thought she had the ultimate catch with Kris, but their four-year relationship is destroyed with one night of deceit. The breakup forces Keleya to come to a discomforting realization: she is unfulfilled, often seeking refuge in her hobby, family, and friends. Despite the emotional damage, Keleya remains loyal to love. So when fate drops someone new at her doorstep, she transfers the yearning for intimacy, respect, and friendship to Jordan— an attractive twenty-nine-year-old native of Philadelphia. This newfound relationship with Jordan catches Keleya by surprise and tests her looming desire for her old confidant Kris. In the struggle to manage trust and vulnerability, Keleya finds herself caught in a whirlwind of old loves and new possibilities.

Available in paperback and ebook editions:

www.ResPublishing.com | www.Amazon.com | www.BN.com | Lulu.com www.ResPublishing.com ISBN - 0983094802

| Publisher - Resolute Publishing | Publication Date - May 1, 2011 | Cover Price - $11.99

25

SoundSolutions continued

A core task for Raye was to judge whether she and Dina had a sense of connectedness and commitment, as well as some degree of trust, common goals, and cooperative problem solving.

Point 3: Picture Your Future Focusing on the direction she would like to take, Raye constructed a realistic vision of her future with Dina.

Taking into account only the present, Raye narrated the strengths and resources they each brought to the relationship and how these skills could be useful if problems arose.

Point 4: Back-Up Plan No one wants to be in an unhappy relationship or stuck (living) with a person who makes them miserable. Raye understood that no situation or person is perfect, so she formed an escape plan. Raye

articulated a pathway out the relationship if it were to deteriorate as a result of cohabitation.

Point 5: Limits and Degrees of Freedom Even as cohabitation has certain positives or benefits, it also engenders more responsibility from each partner. Both Raye and Dina would have to make some incremental changes in order to maximize their potential of success. For example, Raye recognized that they would have different expectations of each other and some loss of autonomy or the privilege of singlehood.

After critically evaluating all the points, Raye still worried about how cohabitation could affect the quality of her relationship. Ultimately, she decided to move in with Dina. Although she took a chance, she felt it was a calculated risk and a good investment in the certainty and growth of their relationship. •

NEED A SOUNDSOLUTION FROM NIKKI? Email a brief description of your question/issue to: info@ResPublishing.com.

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etcetera

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the next issue of will release on August 15, 2012.

28 reSOUND - Issue 2 of 4 for 2012

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