PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY | MARCH 12 - 19, 2020 by Philadelphia Weekly

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OUT NOW! Screw the election, these people want Trump gone today

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FROM THE EDITOR

Universal precautions T

ting perspective on this virus. Showcasing his is probably not something that’s going to fit with the status all of the other viruses out there equally as quo and the mass hysteria sur- harmful that we never concern our already worried minds about because it’s not in your rounding the coronavirus. But I think we’re all grossly face every time you turn on the TV. Technology has already removed the huoverreacting. man element of people speaking with each Look, I get it, this thing is not other on a daily basis since you can’t go anyto be taken lightly. Any strain of virus that where without finding someone’s head buried could kill you depending on your age or level into a smartphone screen instead of looking of immunity frankly is something we need to up and saying hello to the people be proactive about. And honestly, around them. Hey, I’m guilty of it the proactivity from epidemiologists too and the knowledge of this sysand others trained to keep a close tematic hardwiring ingrained in eye on this and, hopefully, develop a our DNA doesn’t make it suck any vaccine is vital. less. According to the Centers for DisNow, we have this virus to conease Control, this virus has affected tend with that removes a physical 121,656 worldwide and has led to the element of the people we do choose deaths of 4,382 people. As of March to chat with as we’re all reticent 11, when I sat down to write this... to shake hands or even give a fist there were 647 cases of the coronavibump. I’m hoping that this is one rus that have amounted to 25 deaths of those “this too shall pass” kind in the United States. of an event and everything that I’ve On Tuesday, Philadelphia reread seems to trend in that direcceived its first case, so we can no lontion. ger watch the spread from afar. @SPRTSWTR But it’s very disconcerting that But here’s the thing. No one is people are being force-fed fear monputting this into perspective. Acgering and not the alternatives to consider. cording to CDC numbers, the 2019-20 flu seaBut the alternatives don’t drive television ratson — that’s right, just regular ass influenza ings, don’t allow for 24-7 news stories to flow — has amounted for close to 620,000 hospitalon Twitter and don’t allow for price gouging of izations and up to an estimated 50,000 deaths face masks and hand sanitizers. in America alone. I was in CVS the other day and a lady was That’s the perspective I think the mainirate that they didn’t have anymore sanitizer stream media isn’t promoting in between in stock. showing hand sanitizer flying off the shelves, She noted that the store was the third she’d the dumbfounded faces of politicians and the sheer overflow of information that leads to the been to in the area that was fresh out. “How could a giant company like CVS not end truth — we still just don’t know what the keep this stuff in stock at a time like this?” she hell this is yet and just how much of a “pansaid. demic” it really is. I wanted to say, “because of people like I think instead of looking to calm the massyou,” but chose to keep my opinion to myself es, the exact opposite is happening, the unon this one. It wouldn’t have moved the needle known is causing fear, fear is causing panic on on anything and frankly, I didn’t want her setpretty much every level — interpersonal panting it off on me in the store. But if I could’ve ic, financial panic and the ‘holy shit, do I have it?’ question we’re all asking just because of a offered her and the rest of us this piece of polarizing advice as a small piece of the larger stuffy nose and a persistent cough. media pie? I wish instead of the hype train on TV and Keep calm and wash your damn hands. across social media, there was an outlet put-

KERITH GABRIEL

P R I VAT E E V E N T S R E S TA U R A N T & B A R

LIVE MUSIC URBAN WINERY

3.14

3.20

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AN EVENING WITH STRINGS

FEAT. EVERYDAY PEOPLE AND SANTANAMIGOS

4.1

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THE VERVE PIPE

(OF TRAMPLED BY TURTLES) W/ ANDREA VON KAMPEN

MISTER MANN’S BIRTHDAY JAM SESSION

3.12 3.13 3.13 3.14

3.15

3.17 3.17 3.18 3.18 3.19

RICHARD SHINDELL AND LUCY KAPLANSKY TOM WEST W/ ALAN CHAPELL** TEEDRA MOSES SOLD OUT! DAN TEDESCO** CASEY ABRAMS (OF POSTMODERN JUKEBOX)** SIMON & GARFUNKEL SONGBOOK SHOW: SONGS & STORIES PRESENTED BY AZTEC TWO-STEP 2.0** LIV WARFIELD AND ASHLEY TAMAR HOUSE OF HAMILL** ROY AYERS W/ JELLO VIBES SOLD OUT! GLEN MATLOCK (OF THE SEX PISTOLS)** DAVE HOLLIS BOOK TOUR - SOLD OUT!

3.20 EARLY ELTON TRIO**

3.25

WOODSTOCK ANNIVERSARY

LADY LAMB

3.26

3.12

TALK OF TOWNSHIP TOUR

W/ CARRIE ZARUBA

3.21

RODNEY CROWELL

AUNT MARY PAT

JOAN OSBORNE

DAVE SIMONETT

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STEVE POLTZ W/ JUSTIN TRAWICK** HOWARD HEWETT THE RAD TRADS W/ STELLA RUZE**

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ARIELLE**

SETS IN THE CITY**

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BOB SUMNER’S LAFF MOB LIVE**

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BBMAK W/ MILDO**

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SINEAD O’CONNOR SOLD OUT! XPN WELCOMES RAUL MIDÓN W/ LILI AÑEL** HALEY REINHART WINE AND CRIME

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BURLYPICKS

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TRINA BROUSSARD** MAYSA LEAK TWO SHOWS! KEVIN ROSS THE MASH | UP EXPERIENCE** ALGEBRA BLESSETT BRUCE OFF BROADWAY: A UKELELE TRIBUTE TO THE BOSS W/ JIM BOGGIA**

3.21

SHAWN MULLINS**

3.22

ROCKIN’ DOCS FOR DIABETES CURE BOTTOMS UP DRAG BRUNCH** DRIVIN N CRYIN W/ THE SILKS**

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3.26 3.27 3.28

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ADAM WEINER RESIDENCY (OF LOW CUT CONNIE)** PANTSUIT POLITICS** THE SECRET SISTERS - SOLD OUT! AL DI MEOLA - ACROSS THE UNIVERSE: LEGACY AND RECORD RELEASE TOUR

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THE AMOURS**

3.31

MATT SCHOFIELD

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ALEX CUBA**

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4.9 4.9 4.10 4.10

**IN THE LOFT

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STATE OF OUR CITY

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$9,000 This story is wild. Scammers were able to siphon that amount from a Philly-based lawyer who believed he was talking to his son over the phone. Gary Schildhorn thought he was talking to his 32-year-old son who said he was in police custody after injuring a pregnant woman. He also thought he was talking to someone from the clerk of courts asking him to wire the $9k in bail to get his son out. However, police realized scammers used voice recognition to mimic Schildhorn’s son and used his voice to pull a fast one. A trick many fear could be the next step in attempts to rip you off.

According to INRIX, a self-proclaimed leader in “mobility analytics,” Philadelphia is listed as the third-most congested city in the United States. Listed in the company’s annual Global Traffic Scorecard, Philly commuters lose 142 hours of their life — roughly six days — sitting in shit traffic of some type. It’s obvious INRIX really geeks out over this stuff since it also factored in the cost per driver in the city ($2,102) and that all of this time wasted cost city residents roughly $4.5 billion. Who’s willing to wager that nearly half of that total cost is our lives spent on I-76?

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Coronavirus doesn’t care how much money you got Well, sort of. On Tuesday, the Ivy League noted the cancellation of both its men’s and women’s basketball tournaments amid concerns surrounding, you guessed it, the coronavirus. The decision awarded both Yale and Princeton, both regular season champions, a direct bid to the upcoming NCAA Tournament, screwing teams like the Penn men’s basketball team, the No. 4 seed in the conference tournament.

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HE SAID IT... “How many times we gotta be searched [for] being black, man?” ‘The least y’all could do is give us an explanation for being searched.’ Y’all already know we black… — Philly rapper Meek Mill on his Instagram while filming cops in Miami strip search the private jet he was on that stopped merely to refuel and for food. We all know Meek’s troubles with Philly cops and city judges, but to have this latest blow arrive outside of the city limits is proof that this dude can’t catch a break.

Elkins Park rapper Lil Dicky has a new show "Dave" premiering on FXX later this month. In it, Dicky — real name is Dave Burd — reveals how his stage name is actually a play on real life. Due to a birth defect that affected his penis, Burd had to undergo emergency surgery to correct the problem, a surgery that actually left him with a second urethra, according to an interview he did last month with The Ringer. Apparently, he has to cap a pee hole or urine will come out “like a Super Soaker.” No BS, y’all, actual interview conversation. OK, on to the next one, we’ve spent way too much ink on Lil Dicky’s, well, you know.

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OVERHEARD IN PHILLY

“If you would’ve told me that we are over two months into this coronavirus craze and Philadelphia doesn’t have one confirmed case I would’ve called you a liar. People call us ‘Filthadelphia,’ but we’re not the ones wearing masks right now, are we? — Coffee and conversation between a group of 20-somethings inside the Dilworth Plaza location of La Colombe on Monday. We’re convinced these fuckers jinxed us because on Tuesday, the Mayor’s Office and the city health department confirmed Philadelphia’s first case. It’s all your fault, bruh.

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While we’re in an election year, people who can’t take anymore of Donald Trump took to the streets of Philadelphia on President’s Day in protest of what they feel is a systemic breakdown of American society as we know it. | Image: Courtenay Harris Bond

MARCH 12 - 19, 2020 | PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY

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‘This nightmare must end’

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While the mass on hand was sizable for this most recent protest of Refuse Fascism, organizers of the group say numbers have been dwindling and that not enough people are coming out to effect real change. | Image: Damian Lobato

Refuse Fascism: Trump must go now

n Presidents Day, a motley crew itself,” Mark Tinkleman shouted through of individuals, holding signs and the megaphone on Presidents Day, wearing chanting, “Trump, Pence, out a bright orange sweatshirt reading, “#OUTnow!” gathered on Independence NOW.” Mall in response to what they “The system is broken,” Tinkleman, 32, a view as a fascist regime. cook from Philadelphia, said, adding that one In fact, the national group, with of the main goals of the Refuse Fascism movement was to rouse people out of their complaa local chapter in Philadelphia, calls itself cency. “Refuse Fascism.” People are under a lot of “mis“This is a movement that is guided illusions,” Tinkleman said open to any and all who share later. “One of the illusions is that the idea that this regime imperBY COURTENAY the system is going to fix itself. … ils humanity and the planet, and HARRIS BOND Some of those things might hapwe can’t sit back and allow that,” pen but that’s definitely not the said Samantha Goldman, 32, who direction things are going in.” Anteaches young children. “No matter where you stand on the political spectrum, other illusion, he added, was that “somebody else is going to take care of it. you are welcome and needed.” “All these millions of people who don’t like Goldman, one of the Refuse Fascism organizers, went on to explain that the movement what Trump is doing, but they’re not there,” Tinkleman lamented. “Fascism is scary to is unified around the belief that Trump has destroyed the rule of law and that the only a lot of people. … A lot of people are really scared of acknowledging it, so I think it’s so way to get rid of him is by taking to the streets and engaging in sustained, non-violent pro- important that it’s right up there in the name. If people acknowledge that it is fascism, then tests. the choices that they have in front of them are Presidents Day brought a relatively thin crowd, about 30 people; but nonetheless, the a little different.” Eden, 20, a Temple journalism student who Refuse Fascism participants marched around Independence Mall, stopping traffic in the only wanted to go by his first name, said that streets, vociferously protesting the current he had been endlessly complaining online about the Trump administration; so when he regime and holding signs such as the one Pam saw someone handing out pamphlets about Spencer, a senior citizen and educator from Cheltenham carried reading, “This Night- Refuse Fascism, he grabbed one, showed up at the next meeting, and “never left.” mare Must End: Trump/Pence Must Go!” Now Eden participates in protests, attends Janet Janka, a senior citizen from New Jersey, held up a sign that read: “Dissent is Patri- organizational meetings, and does outreach – trying to recruit new members. otic.” “I think people should know that we’re not “I’m really doing this for my grandchildren, Janka said. “I can’t sit still without giving just some crazy people shouting in the corner for no reason,” Eden said. “I think people voice to their little voices.” But despite Refuse Fascism members’ and should join us because without strength in allies’ devotion to their cause, not enough peo- numbers we’re not going anywhere.” Lindo Jones, a poet who teaches at a numple are turning out to effect change, several ber of area schools, said he responded to a protesters said. Refuse Fascism call for artists, and they al“If we don’t want that cruel and brutal future represented by Trump and Pence, rep- lowed him to read his poetry that “activated resented by this whole fascist coalition that’s and brought awareness to the fascist regime come together behind Trump, then we need of Trump.” to act now, not waiting for the system to fix SEE FASCISM, PAGE 8

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FACISM, FROM PAGE 7 The faces of a President’s Day protest of Donald Trump from the local chapter of Refuse Fascism. | Images: Courtenay Harris Bond and Damian Lobato

Jones said it was correct to call Trump a fascist because he is running the government like his personal business rather than something that’s for the people, by the people. For instance, Jones said, Trump had been using the attorney general as his personal lawyer and calling for ICE to police people in ways that were unlawful, among many other “hideous acts that would not be tolerated at another time.” A poem he wrote for the Refuse Fascism movement reads in part: “They want to cut family ties, that have been knotted since history/, With more stories than the tallest building,/ Small, but we are building!/ Brick by brick, from the wall they use to oppress us, to impress upon them!/ We will.../ #RefuseFascism/ Resist Hatred”

MARCH 12 - 19, 2020 | PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY

“People who know better and who believe us and give us the thumbs up – they’re not visible in the streets,” said Koyuki, one of the Refuse Fascism organizers, who only wanted to use her first name. This was a general refrain among members of the movement, that not enough people were standing up and taking action. That is certainly not true of John Prenis, 72, who said he hoped to enjoy a “quiet retirement” as a computer systems administrator. “But then Trump happened,” Prenis said. “I refuse to let Trump cast a shadow over my golden years. So I’m at various marches and rallies carrying signs.” His neon yellow sign at the Presidents Day protest read, “We refuse a fascist America” on one side and “Lock him up” on the other. Goldman remains optimistic about the work Refuse Fascism is doing. However, she issued a warning: “The window is closing when we can make a change. There comes a time when it becomes too late, and our future really depends on the actions that we take. We’re living in one of those moments.” For more information about Refuse Fascism, visit refusefascism.org.

@CHARRISBOND

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EVENTS

Happy St. Paddy’s Day! Look no further for fun things to do BY EUGENE ZENYATTA

oronavirus be damned, as it stands right now, Philly still plans to celebrate the hell out of St. Patrick’s Day - parade or no parade. With that said, we had scores of restaurants, bars and other spots provide their master plan for this St. Paddy’s Day weekend. From food specials to great finds on both beer and specialty cocktails, you don’t have to slum it drinking low-budget light beer this weekend. The weekend doesn’t mean the end of the festivities either. St. Patrick’s Day, coming up on Tuesday, is no time to be alone or, well, sober. Here are a few things to keep in mind when you’re planning your celebration:

Image | Allie Smith

PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY | MARCH 12 - 19, 2020

EVENTS

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Image: PXHERE

Red Owl Tavern

Urban Farmer

Old City’s American tavern located across from Independence Mall is offering imbibers an Irish take on a city wide – a pint of Guinness and shot of Jameson Irish Whiskey for $10 all day on Saint Patrick’s Day. 433 Chestnut St. | (215) 923-2267, redowltavern.com

The rustic-chic restaurant and bar on Logan Circle, is offering guests a bevy of Saint Patrick’s Day fare:

Assembly Rooftop Lounge Located nine stories up on top of The Logan Hotel, the lounge is offering guests an Irish Exit ($14). Made with Tullamore Dew, La Colombe Coffee, a sugar cube, and French cream, this libation can be enjoyed by the fire while taking in views of Logan Circle and beyond. 1840 Benjamin Franklin Parkway | (215) 783-4171, assemblyrooftop.com

MARCH 12 - 19, 2020 | PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY

All Day: Corned Beef Hash – House brined and braised corned beef sautéed with fingerling potatoes, onions, braised cabbage, and mirepoix, finished with a whiskey beef glace ($21). Bar/Lounge: (starting at 3pm): Bangers & Mash – Poached house-made Irish sausage, whipped potatoes, and Guinness onion gravy ($19). Entree: Dublin Lawyer – Butter poached lobster, whiskey cream sauce, colcannon mashed potatoes, asparagus ($40).

Whole Restaurant: (starting at 5pm as app or side addition): Shepherd’s Pie – Ground lamb, sweet green peas, mirepoix, and browned mashed potatoes ($14). Dessert: Milk Chocolate Bailey’s Pot De Crème – House-made Irish potatoes, ground Oreos, micro greens, and gold leaf. 1850 Benjamin Franklin Parkway | (215) 963-2788, urbanfarmerphiladelphia.com

EVENTS

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Image: PXHERE

Stay home and drink Here are a few recipes from Caledonia Spirits and Runamok Maple that will be perfect for those hosting St. Patrick’s Day festivities this year Boozy Amarena Cherries:

Vermont Coffee – A play on Irish coffee:

1 cup amarena cherries with syrup 1 cup kirsch 1oz Grand Marnier 1 dash allspice Combine in a saucepan and simmer on low for 5 minutes to integrate flavor. You can also skip the heat and combine ingredients and let marinate for 24 hours.

1.5 oz Tom Cat Gin Black Strong Coffee 0.5 oz Maple syrup Maple / Angostura Whipped Cream Combine ingredients in an Irish coffee glass, top with the whipped cream. To make the Maple / Angostura Whipped Cream: Whip in a bowl or shake without ice in a shaker: 1 cup of heavy whipping cream 1 tablespoon of maple syrup 7 dashes of angostura bitters

‘A hop skip and a jump to Tipperary’:

It’s a Revolution

Profs and Pints

Join a Revolutionary St. Patrick’s Day on March 17 from 5 - 8 pm at the Museum of the American Revolution. Raise a pint and sing along to songs of the Irish Revolution to toast the final night of the Cost of Revolution: The Life and Death of an Irish Soldier special exhibition. Throughout the evening, grab one of the $4 beers available during happy hour in the Museum’s Cross Keys Café and enjoy live Irish music. Those who are 21-plus can enjoy free samples of Hochstadter’s Slow & Low Liquid Sunshine Cocktail. Afterward, play-test a yet to be released history-focused video game, explore galleries and see one of the last appearances of Irish soldier Richard St. George in his acclaimed 30-minute theatrical performance. The event is part of the museum’s History After Hours series that features extended evening hours, special themed programs, happy hour food and drink specials in Cross Keys Café, and full access to the museum’s exhibits. Tickets for History After Hours are $10 (free for museum members) and are available for purchase by calling (215) 253-6731, online at amrevmuseum.org or at the front door. 101 S. Third St.

Mindful that its mission involves giving the public a chance to enjoy a pint as they learn from professors, Profs and Pints is offering Philadelphians new reason to raise a pint of Guinness on Saint Patrick’s Day: A chance to learn a bit of Ireland’s mother tongue. Roslyn Blyn-LaDrew, who teaches Irish Gaelic as a lecturer at the University of Pennsylvania, has agreed to take the Profs and Pints stage at the Cambria Hotel in Philadelphia’s Center City to offer an introductory lesson in the language. While no one will leave the event fluent in the language, participants will at least walk out better equipped to enjoy trips to Ireland and, in the short term, celebrate their Saint Patrick’s Day like a pro. The lesson in the Irish language takes place at 6 pm Tuesday, March 17 (Saint Patrick’s Day) at the Cambria Hotel located at 219 South Broad St.. Advance tickets are $12 and are available at profspintsphillyirish.brownpapertickets.com. People also may gain entry at the door for $15, or $13 with a student ID.

1.5 oz Tom Cat Gin 0.75 oz Green Chartreuse 0.75 oz Sweet Vermouth 2 dashes Orange Bitters Combine ingredients in a mixing glass with ice, stir, then strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish with an orange twist. This is a play on the classic Tipperary cocktail which is made with Irish Whiskey. The story behind the classic drink, which first appeared in Hugo R. Ensslin’s 1917 book, “Recipes for Mixed Drinks,” is that a guest walked in, asked for a drink, and was humming the song “It’s a Long Road to Tipperary,” which was an anthem for homesick Irish soldiers in the British army during World War I. Tipperary is also a county in Ireland.

The Dude:

2 oz vodka 1 oz Runamok Coffee Infused Maple Syrup ½ cup milk or cream Ice Pour the vodka and Runamok Coffee Infused Maple into a short glass and stir. Top with milk or cream and add ice.

Flippin’ Lucky: 1.5 oz Tom Cat Gin 3 oz Irish Stout 1 Whole Egg 0.5 oz Raw Honey Syrup An Orange Wheel (aka. Orange sunshine) Pour 3 oz of Irish Stout into the bottom of a cocktail glass. Combine the Tom Cat Gin, egg, raw honey syrup and orange in a shaker tin with ice. Shake then double strain into the glass. Fun fact, a flip is a cocktail that uses a whole egg.

The Snow Melt: 1 ½ oz Stonecutter Spirits Heritage Cask Whiskey 1 oz Lillet Rouge ½ oz Green Chartreuse ¼ oz Runamok Hibiscus Flower Infused Maple Syrup 2 dashes Regan’s orange bitters Combine all ingredients in a mixing glass. Add ice and stir. Strain over large ice cubes in a rocks glass. Garnish with flamed orange peel and boozy amarena cherry. Note: American Spoon brandied cherries can be used as an alternative.

PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY | MARCH 12 - 19, 2020

GOSSIP

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Pogues members Spider Stacy and Cait O’Riordan recently joined up with the Lost Bayou Ramblers for a sold out ‘Poguetry’ date at City Winery. Image | AD Amorosi

icepack

Philly’s new hot spot: CVS Will the coronavirus cancel local events?

MARCH 12 - 19, 2020 | PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY

www.mrivyphilly.com. n the coming weeks, will I see you Erasherhood repairs out at events such as the St. Patrick’s I’m a bad guy for missing last Friday’s Day parade (umm, no, I guess not), stops along Philly Wine Week and PhilaMOCA benefit at First Unitarian Church in order to aid Moca-man Eric the opening of Stephen Starr’s new Bressler in making the necessary repairs to LMNO in Fishtown on Front, OR will re-opening his Erasherhood exhibition-perI only bump into you at RiteAid fightformance space shuttered by L&I for a minor, ing your neighbor for hand sanitizer to ward but pricey, violation (I know he’s based in off coronavirus? Los Angeles now, but, you think his landlord, Is the 24-hour CVS near Cheesesteak Vegas Diplo, could maybe put down that expensive in South Philly the new after-hours hang? Bolo tie to suit his new cowboy image, and Is Purell the new black? To go with that accessory, another bigger throw Eric a few bucks). BUT. I insist you slip Bressler an envelope thought: Will major music festivals such as Delaware’s Firefly cancel for coronavirus in his N. 12th mail slot or hit up his www.gofundme.com/f/resurrect-philamoca fears (and liabilities) ala Ultra in site, now, so that we can get weird Miami and SXSW in Austin? Could BY A.D. sooner than later. smaller music fests follow suit? NetAMOROSI Lousy week for jazz working conferences? Chefs’ events? Speaking of GoFundMe’s, it’s Where’s my Gucci gas mask? been a lousy week for Philly jazz. After-hours news First, hometown hero and legendSpeaking of something maybe afary pianist McCoy Tyner died. Then, we find ter hours, maybe not: Ryan Dorsey, the upper out just how ill local guitar lion Pat Martino management-partnership nightlifer with prereally is when a GoFundMe page described vious ties to Recess, North Shore Beach Club new ailments ranging from a post-touring (in and NOTO (no, no!) is the name beyond the stickers appearing on the doors of what was Italy – ugh) virus, lungs lousy with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, the probaonce McFadden’s on N. 3rd. Does the new club (Mr. Ivy) with the spring bility of a double lung transplant, physical therapy for problems with the fingers on his opening have anything to do, thematically, left hand. WTF. with the Spain’s-ish-smiley faces appearing, Martino has already had a hard contract – bat signal-like on its highest walls? Is there just read the harrowing “Here and Now! The another after-hours license floating around? Autobiography of Pat-Martino” for medical Anything that ISN’T McFadden’s is fine, quite frankly. Apply here if you want a job proof. Give up the ducats.

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Congrats all around cal elements for the play, he’ll be making his Let’s duck back to one of my favorite stoOff Broadway acting stage debut. How big of a deal is this? Choreographer Bill T. Jones and ries, for some happy circumstance here: Ava Graham, the 94-WIP on-air personality and screenwriter John Ridley (“12 Years a Slave”) are in on the action. daughter of fellow radio jock AND comedian On Stage AND author AND all-around good guy felled If you wish to see your favorite Philly busiBUT NOT DOWNED by his own series of medical problems ably described at https://phila- ness professionals in a truly magnificent competitive setting – ACTING – check out March delphiaweekly.com/big-daddy-battles-back/ got engaged to her long-time beau, Bill Matz, 13’s “Play Brawl” at Suzanne Roberts Theatre to benefit its Philadelphia Theatre Company. as part of the Sadie Hawkins Day tradition of a woman asking a man for his hand in mar- Think “Dancing with the Stars” meets Al Pariage So, congrats there. Also congrats for get- cino doing Henry V ... only louder with much more hand movement. Good show. ting Big Daddy out of the house for one of his WHOWHATWHERE and pal-fellow comedian Joe Conklin’s “Two · Justin Bieber Funny Guy” stand was in town on Friup/sit down comic day, hopping along affairs on April 25 the Rocky steps at the Colonial Theand dining at Jean ater in Phoenixville. Georges. But what Bloodhound was he doing here, Gang for reals? Buying We have not mustache wax and heard from the vying for opportunioutrageous King ties to join the Philof Prussia-born adelphia Beard and metal-punk act Mustache Club? (No Bloodhound Gang muzzies allowed, since its Bam MarBiebs). Craving egg gera-brethren toast and caviar in broke up in 2015. an “Inception”-like That doesn’t mean setting? Or could they’re not wellhe be bugging local loved still. promoters about his Twenty years afsummer stadium ter its release, the tour’s (Aug. 1, the platinum-selling Linc) rumored soft (weird but true) alsales that have probum “Hooray For moters around the Boobies” gets an country buckling expanded reissue him down to smallof 11 bonus tracks, er arena status? including their cov· The Lounge at er of Black Sheep’s World Cafe Live “The Choice Is Yours,” some remix- Jazz giant Marty Grosz was honored recently at his 90th played host to my favorite German-exes from Pet Shop birthday bash at World Cafe Live. Image | AD Amorosi pat-turned-PhilaBoys and KMFDM, and a double-LP clear vinyl version – all on delphia-hot-jazz giant Marty Grosz for his 90th birthday bash. Hailed by his usual cronies March 27. from the Mermaid Inn in Chestnut Hill, along New sports bar Sometimes you just can’t take the pigskin with fellow jazz-bo Vince Giordano (Vince, by the way, won a Grammy for his participation out of a man’s hands, mind or business: Jahri in the “Boardwalk Empire” soundtrack in Evans, the one-time New Orleans’ Saint with ties to Philly’s Frankford High School, is clos- 2012), Grosz also celebrated the publication of ing the eatery he opened with his wife Takia his autobiography, “It’s a Sin to Tell a Lie: My – SOMO SoPhi – and is turning it around and Life in Jazz,” from Golden Alley Press. · When Pogues members Spider Stacy and making into a sports bar that only sounds like Cait O’Riordan joined up with the Lost Baya science fiction character, Venu. OK. ou Ramblers for a sold out “Poguetry” date at Black Thought City Winery last Friday, O’Riordan gave the Not just an MC, The Roots co-founder and reason for having donned an orange jumpsuit an occasional stand-up comedian/comic foil (“the only color I could wear was Gritty orto Jimmy Fallon, Philly’s Black Thought is ange in Philadelphia”) before dedicating “I’m taking part in a stage adaptation of George S. Schuyler’s 1931 novel “Black No More,” a Man You Don’t Meet Every Day” to the Flyat NYC’s Pershing Square Signature Cen- ers’ furry mascot. ter in October for the New Group company. @ADAMOROSI Thought is not only writing lyrics and musi-

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The Disco Biscuits will be at The Fillmore for three days beginning March 12. Image | Jesse Borrell - NOCOAST

5 Questions: The Disco Biscuits T

BY EUGENE ZENYATTA

The Philly favorites come back home for three big shows MARCH 12 - 19, 2020 | PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY

hose of a certain age will remember when The Disco Biscuits burst out of Philly in the mid-90s. Flash forward to today, and the band is as strong as ever. While the band has changed over the years, as most bands do, The Disco Biscuits are still very much the pioneers of â&#x20AC;&#x153;trancefusion,â&#x20AC;? bridging the gap between electronic music and jam bands. They still remain rock pioneers whose soul belongs as much to marathon dance parties as it does to live improvisational journeys. They still employ emerging technologies to help them create music that is 100 percent human although, perhaps, not entirely of this earth. Now you have the chance to see the band up close and personal when it comes back home for three shows starting today (March 12) and running through Saturday at The Fillmore. The band will be on its headline Act 1 tour, performing its hits and a few new tracks off of their upcoming full-length album.

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PW recently caught up with Aron Magner of the group to talk about all things Disco Biscuits. Your bio says that you’re an “entirely different band” today than you were when you broke out of Philly in the mid-90s. How are you different today? We’ve evolved. Individually, collectively, musically. Today (March 12) marks the start of a tour that will last through mid-July. How has life on the road changed over the years? Is it better now, or worse? Well … we’re not traveling around anymore in a Ford E-150 van eating dried ramen. But those formative years of traversing the country back and forth is what allowed our songs and our sound to develop. We spent those years cultivating a fan base that’s just as active decades later. The touring strategy over the past six years or so has changed more towards multi-night stands. It’s great for the band and the crew to set up in one spot for three to four nights. And it’s easy on the fans to travel in from other cities and make a weekend out of it. In the last six months, we committed ourselves to going back and re-activating states and regions that we haven’t been to in years. The tour culminates with the 18th Camp Bisco at Montage Mountain in Scranton. Can you share a little about how this year’s festival is shaping up? Any advice for fans who want to attend? Advice for a fan who wants to come? Come! The lineup just got announced and it’s our best yet! We’ve grown this festival over the last 20 years and we’re proud of what it’s become. Camp Bisco started as the fusion of live

band and electronic DJs. Electronic music has come so far in the past 20 years. And the musicians and producers that create both electronic and live band music seem to now have a much more appreciative understanding of each other’s art form. Often times people are producing both. The original concept of Camp Bisco was to introduce our fan base to artists and DJs that they may not have known otherwise. Now it has come full circle and our fanbase is introducing us to artists that we would not have otherwise been exposed to. Camp is always a fun time. What’s the stage show like these days? What will your Philly fans see at The Fillmore? Our fans will see their favorite band of 25 years newly reinvigorated and reenergized. It’s a fun time to be a Disco Biscuits fan. There’s brand new music entering the sets. There’s new concepts for how we approach our improvisation that are immediately noticeable to the audience. We’re definitely entering a new stage of our career and everyone can feel it. How is the new album coming along? In addition to that, what’s next for The Disco Biscuits? Our next studio session is already set for March. Jon (Gutwillig, guitarist) has introduced a plethora of material that we’ve been bringing to life and evolving over the past few months. Now that we’ve gotten an opportunity to crawl inside these songs, it’s time to put it to tape.

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The Disco Biscuits | March 12-14, 8 pm. $37. The Fillmore Philadelphia, 29 E. Allen St. Tickets and info: thefillmorephilly.com.

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Philly-based Bazmati Vice recently released its first studio track in almost two years. Image | Tim Koen

Still

cookin’ MARCH 12 - 19, 2020 | PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY

Bazmati Vice has come a long way from its Haverford College days

ing studio material alongside home-recorded on’t confuse the band Bazmasongs/videos throughout the year. They will ti Vice with Basmati rice – the also be touring the East Coast from D.C. to unique rice grown in the HimaBoston and beyond. layas and Pakistan. Even though PW recently caught up with Bazmati Vice both are, shall we say, “spicy to see what the group has going on in 2020 and blends,” Bazmati Vice combines beyond. funk, rock, jazz and blues, in recTalk a little about how the band formed ipes varying from song to song, keeping things in 2013. How did you come up with that fresh and far-fetched. name? A play on Basmati rice or is In other words, the band is way that just a coincidence? more enjoyable. We started out in college, and we After several lineup changes since BY EUGENE Bazmati Vice’s original formation at ZENYATTA remember hanging out in a dorm kitchen brainstorming band names Haverford College in 2013 – of which when a friend of ours, who happened only two members now remain – the to be making rice with her lunch, jokband has settled into its fifth and finingly suggested: “what about Basmati VICE?” est form, now led by the vocal talents of Ari and we pretty much just went with it! We tried Michaels and backed up by the tight rhythms for a while to come up with something better, of Eric Proctor, who both joined in the sumeven doing a show as “Comic Mischief” one mer of 2019 and who have brought a breath of time, but the silly tongue-in-cheek quality of fresh air to the Bazmati repertoire. Bazmati Vice just felt right for us, and it ultiOver the years, it has performed for years mately stuck. At one point, we even considered in the Philly area, including shows at The Ardmore Music Hall, Milkboy, Bourbon & Branch dressing up as “Miami Vice” characters and throwing rice into the audience at the end of and many others. the show to fully embody the wordplay, but Currently, the band is working on releas-

CULTURE

PHILADELPHIAWEEKLY.COM @PHILLYWEEKLY that (thankfully) never materialized. Many of our song titles have a similar origin story, starting out with a silly name that we plan to change later, but then getting so used to it that it becomes the final name. A lot of songs on our first album were like that (“Kappa,” “Exponential,” “Dune Buggy”), and even one of our newest songs, “Plutonium,” came from a random voice memo name on Andrew’s (Szczurek) phone. To some extent, our guiding principle has always been to make the most exciting music we can without taking ourselves too seriously, be it in our live shows or our song names, and we’ve stayed true to that over the past seven years. As with many bands, members have come and gone over the years, but you describe this version of Bazmati Vice as “its fifth and finest form.” What’s special about this collection of musicians? What does each member add to the group? The band has certainly seen a lot of changes since its formation! In fact, only two of the current members were in the original 2013 lineup. We had a long stretch of performing as a group of five with Clayton Brandt on vocals and Chris Gibson on drums, even releasing an album and an EP with them, but they both eventually moved to the West Coast to pursue different careers. It took us some time to find our footing following their departure, but we continued doing live shows here and there, working with several different drummers before ultimately finding Eric Proctor, who has been in the band since last Summer. Eric’s proficiency in a wide variety of drumming styles made him a perfect fit for this group, where genre restrictions are often broken. He is just as comfortable doing a rock beat as he is playing jazz or hip-hop grooves, all of which appear in the songs we have written together. He is also classically trained, thus providing a solid rhythmic foundation for the rest of us to build upon. Putting together Chris’ (Jackowski) prog and blues influences on guitar, John’s (Kerber) jam-oriented bass lines and Andrew’s jazzy keyboard work with Eric’s diverse drumming skills makes up the instrumental core of this new Bazmati Vice lineup. As far as vocalists go, we auditioned a variety of different singers for a lead vocal role before finding Ari Michaels on Instagram. It was a lucky encounter: we pretty much just searched “#phillyvocalist” and videos of her singing in her room popped up in the results! After a strong audition, we quickly realized that her voice would be a phenomenal addition to our sound. Similarly to Eric, she is able to switch between subtle jazz melodies and powerful rock vocals with dazzling technical proficiency, allowing for a variety of styles within our compositions. However, Ari is not a permanent member of the group in the way the four of us are, as she has other musical projects that she is also focused on. This allows us to keep our musical arrangements fluid, making some tracks

purely instrumental, such as the aforementioned “Plutonium,” or reaching out to other singers and musicians to collaborate on original songs. We have lots of exciting new releases planned in the coming months, be it with Ari, other guest musicians, or just the core four, so when you see Bazmati Vice putting out new music, expect the unexpected! Your first studio track in nearly two years, “Bonehead,” dropped on Feb. 26. How did the song come together? How can people hear it? Bonehead is available wherever you get your music! Spotify, Apple Music, Youtube, etc. The writing process for “Bonehead” was by far the longest of any song we’ve ever finished, and I think this speaks to the outside events that were happening when we started writing it. Our lead singer, Clayton, had just told us he was moving to California, so we were trying to figure out how the rest of us were going to continue as a band. Losing the guy who writes

lyrics is unique because it forces you to revamp your entire catalog. We’d been swapping and cycling drummers for a while at that point and were able to write and perform our material, but we felt that it wouldn’t be right to hire someone else to sing Clay’s lyrics – they were his in a way that didn’t feel transferrable. So we saw an opportunity to begin collaborating with new singers and start from scratch. The “Bonehead” composition process started out with the verse, which was one of a few ideas John threw out during a brainstorming session, but we couldn’t figure out what to do with it from there. We tried matching it with a sort of optimistic chord progression, but that didn’t feel right. Then we tried pairing it with a 7/4 odd time heavy rock riff, but that felt too cheesy. Eventually, Chris and Andrew hashed out a sort of dark and brooding pre-chorus that resolved into the more uplifting chorus that made it onto the final track. Around the same time, we began our col-

Bazmati Vice says anyone who catches a live performance should be ready for “wild action” – including, it seems, the occasional banana suit. Image | Tim Koen

SEE BAZMATI, PAGE 18

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BAZMATI, FROM PAGE 17 laboration with Ari, who was writing lyrics to the song templates that we were coming up with. She really brought “Bonehead” together in an amazing way, taking the different moods of the song sections and gluing them together into a story about a relationship gone sour. Her lyricism and vocal performance on the record really inspired all of us! You describe your music as a “spicy blend of funk, rock, jazz and blues.” Are there specific bands that have influenced your sound, or is Bazmati Vice a collection of different influences? We definitely have a wide variety of influences, as each of us has different musical backgrounds and interests. Match that with the fact that we’ve had six other members that have come and gone over the years, and you get a band that not only pulls from all sorts of weird directions, but also has changed drastically over time. For the first few years, we were doing more of a basement rock thing – think Red Hot Chili Peppers, Black Keys, that sort of music. Later on, we got more interested in more funk-oriented stuff which then led us into jazz and prog territory. At present, we try to embrace whatever feels exciting, exploring both the jazzier side and more accessible, upbeat styles. You’ll hear this in the collection of songs we’ve been producing at Gradwell House this winter, “Bonehead” being the first release. We’ve got songs in the works that range from in-your-face funk-rock to melodic, lyrical ballads, as well as some instrumental fusion improvisations and even a jazzy, swinging dance party! It’s all over the place but that’s what keeps us excited.

Describe your stage show. What do your fans experience when they come out to see you? How can people stay up-to-date on Bazmati Vice news and appearances? Because of the fluid nature of our lineup, every show is different. The songs we currently perform have all been written within the last year, specifically for this lineup. Of course, we like to bring back some of our older ones now and then, but we always strive to push our sound forward towards new musical horizons. We believe this makes our live shows more exciting for the audience as well as for us – who wants to play the same song 100 times over six years? As far as what to expect in our performances: prepare for some wild action! Andrew, our genderqueer keyboardist and mandolinist, has been known to rock some outlandish outfits and jump into the crowd, launching into a tambourine dance mid-song. For our 2018 Halloween show at Milkboy in Center City we wore banana suits and performed a Monster Mash-Rock Lobster mashup, and we like to throw in some curveballs such as, most recently, a funk-rock arrangement of “The Nightman Cometh” from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” We’re always exploring new ways to interact with the crowd and make our shows as unique and memorable for the audience as we can. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Spotify to stay updated on upcoming music (lots coming this spring!) as well as shows, merch and videos. Don’t hesitate to shoot us a message if you have any cover requests or live show suggestions, we’re always interested in feedback!

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It's hard to walk by and not notice this piece of protest art outside of Martha in East Kensington. The piece, showcasing LGBTQ rights activist Barbara Gittings, is one part of a citywide arts project called Sisterly Love focusing on women leaders. Got one of these in your hood? Send it to us via mail@philadelphiaweekly.com or tag us on social using #PWBigPic.

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Thanks, Jake! I wanted to give a shout out to all of the people who work for, contribute to, or advertise in, your paper. I always find Philadelphia Weekly to be both interesting and informative. I also appreciate that PW is distributed to retailers for your readers to pick up, as opposed to the litter-increasing, environ-

mentally damaging process of door-to-door delivery. I want to assure your readers that I am in no way involved with Philly Weekly, just a fan of your publication. Keep up the good work. I’m sure the appreciation goes well beyond me.

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Jake P. | Philadelphia

Bring IP back into trade deal If you blinked, you might have missed it. On Jan. 1, a limited trade deal between the United States and Japan took effect. It doesn’t go nearly far enough. The U.S.-Japan “phase one” agreement commits Japan to buy more U.S. agriculture and calls for fewer obstacles to digital trade. That’s pretty much it. But it’s not too late to fix things. That’s because a new round of talks is scheduled to kick off in April. Expectations have to be set higher. Congress should demand that U.S.-Japan be expanded, starting with intellectual property (IP). The U.S. is a creative economy. Ideas drive our economic growth. Intellectual property, including patents, copyrights and trademarks, makes this possible. It compensates artists, scientists, inventors, and investors for bringing their ideas to market, despite the high risk of foreign theft. Unfortunately, these ideas are easy to steal or reverse engineer – especially in countries that do not provide the robust IP protections that exist already in the U.S. Strengthening other countries’ IP protections through trade agreements, therefore, would increase investment in the American creative industries. The implications for our prosperity are obvious. The software industry, for example, contributes $1 trillion to our economy each year, and the biopharmaceutical industry generates $1.3 trillion in economic output. All told, IP-intensive industries – including film, technology, and publishing – support 58

million jobs across the country. In Japan, U.S. ideas-based goods and services face a variety of IP and other challenges. For example, Japan does relatively little to crack down on online piracy, one of the most common forms of IP theft. Japanese citizens made 10.6 billion visits to piracy sites in 2017, making them some of the biggest consumers of illegal music, movies, and television shows. Piracy costs America $30 billion and up to 560,000 jobs every year, according to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce. Other Japanese policies also undermine U.S. creativity. Innovative drugs from the U.S. are treated less favorably than those from Japan, rewarding domestic over foreign scientists through preferential government-imposed prices. For drugs and medical devices, Japan tends to reward work done in Japan, like clinical trials, through faster approvals, more so than the novelty of the product. To protect America’s creativity and innovation, the U.S. needs much stronger IP across all industries, as well as equal treatment of its ideas through other policies. To accomplish this, the U.S. needs a different trade “template” than the one we’ve seen recently. Each time the U.S. concludes a trade deal, it not only wins concessions from the other side, but sets expectations concerning future deals. IP has to be front and center in the U.S. template, not just for trade with Japan, but the long list of countries that President Trump is eyeing next.

Marc L. Busch is the Karl F. Landegger Professor of International Business Diplomacy at Georgetown University’s School of Foreign Service. This piece originally ran online at The International Business Times.

MARCH 12 - 19, 2020 | PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY

“Our first priority is to reduce and prevent gun violence that’s been tearing our communities apart.” That’s Mayor Jim Kenney, as he announced his fiscal year 2021 budget recently.

Your turn:

Do you take the mayor at his word? Do you think the city will make meaningful strides in reducing gun violence? Send your thoughts to voices@philadelphiaweekly.com

PHILADELPHIAWEEKLY.COM @PHILLYWEEKLY

VOICES OF OUR CITY

End foreign freeloading – don’t import it Since day one in office, President Trump has been eager to put America first – even when it has meant upending norms, upsetting political allies, and straining relationships abroad. This eagerness is worth applauding. That’s why Trump’s desire to impose foreign price controls on medicines created by U.S. scientists is so disconcerting. Today’s global drug market isn’t fair. American patients pay more for medicines than our global counterparts – and by doing so, we pay for most medical innovation, as well. In fact, about two in three new medicines are now invented in the United States. We pay more for medicines because in other countries, government regulators impose strict price controls on brand-name medicines and restrict access to the newest ones. If a U.S. drug company refuses to take the price that’s offered by a European drug regulator, it’s denied access to a market. Take cancer drugs. Nearly every new cancer drug released over the last decade is available in the United States. But just three in four of them are available in the United Kingdom – and fewer than two in three are available in France. Trump is perfectly positioned to tackle this unfair arrangement. His administration is already working on a transatlantic trade deal – and his negotiators could easily fight to stop foreign governments from robbing American innovators. But instead of working to end foreign freeloading, Trump seems poised to import

OPEN HOUSE Main Campus Monday, March 16 5 p.m.

it to the United States. The rule that his administration is considering would peg prices in Medicare Part B – which covers those medicines administered in physician’s offices, like advanced cancer therapies – to the prices paid in 14 foreign countries, most of which embrace price controls. This approach would knee-cap American scientists – and thus kill biomedical innoImage | Drew Hays vation. Drug development is tremendously risky. On average, it takes more than a decade – and nearly $3 billion to develop a single new medicine. Nearly nine in 10 experimental treatments fail to gain FDA approval. Researchers take these risks because – in America, at least – the marketplace offers a chance to recoup upfront costs and earn a return. This proposition is what motivates investors to fund small research firms. History demonstrates that research will dry up if Trump’s proposal moves forward. In the 1980s, Europe was the epicenter of drug development, producing over half of all new drugs. But as price controls swept the continent, productivity declined, investors put their money elsewhere, and scientists left. Europeans shouldn’t pay less for medicines than we do. But rather than import socialist price controls here, we should demand that Europeans pay their fair share – and help bear the global research burden. That’ll lower our costs and help catalyze even more biomedical innovation. That would put America first.

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MUSIC

Thy Art is Murder

You should know what to expect just by reading this band name. This punk band is ready to rip into your soul with no regrets whatsoever. Make sure you’re ready for this sonic awakening. | 7 pm. $20. Theatre of Living Arts, 334 South St. venue.tlaphilly.com MUSIC

Through Being Cool Emo Night We still want to hide from the world behind our long bangs and black clothing. If you’re like us, join us at this dance party. Depending on our mood, we’ll be sulking in the corner or moshing in the middle of the crowd. | 10 pm. $3. The Barbary, 951 Frankford Ave. facebook.com LGBTQ

March Madness

Take some advice from this tall, hairy drag queen. Sit down with her as she shares some tales over a stiff cocktail or two. Don’t be fooled, this isn’t your typical March Madness – it’s going to get much more intense than that. | 8 pm. $20. L’Etage, 624 S. 6th St. brownpapertickets.com MUSIC

City of the Sun These indie instrumentalists have made the genre great again. The NYC-natives

THE SCENE A WEEK'S WORTH OF ADVENTURES A C R O S S P H I L LY N E I G H B O R H O O D S

PHILADELPHIAWEEKLY.COM @PHILLYWEEKLY have toured the world over, and have most recently released an EP in February titled “Chapter II.” | 9 pm. $15. World Cafe Live, 3025 Walnut St. eventbrite.com ART

BODY

Bar Crawl Last year, this bar crawl claims to have had more than 8,000 participants at more than 30 bars throughout Old City, Midtown and Center City. If you get in on the hype this year, not only can you get drunk, but you can win prizes such as an HD TV, Sony Headphones and Sony Bluetooth Speakers. The rundown: 20-plus bars will be participating, 10,000-plus in attendance, free cover for ticket holders, free official T-shirt for the first 500 through the door, green swag for everybody, and video, photos, photo booth, DJs and food specials at select locations. Even better: Drink specials include $3 select beer, $4 mixed well drinks and a $5 whiskey specialty drink. What: St. Patrick's Day Bar Crawl Philadelphia When: Saturday, March 14, noon. Where: The Gaslight, 120 Market St. How much: $20 More: facebook.com

MARCH 12 - 19, 2020 | PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY

Aboveground-arts is hosting this showcase of local art celebrating the beautiful vessel that is the human body. Body image is important in how we view ourselves, so take some time to view the works of others to learn how to appreciate your own work of art. | 6 pm. Free. Tattooed Mom, 530 South St. tattooedmomphilly.com COMEDY

Good Hang

Good vibes only. This free monthly comedy show should be considered charity. Comedians work so damn hard on their craft, and it definitely isn’t cheap or easy to get up there and make us all laugh. | 8 pm. Free. Moonshine, 1825 E. Moyamensing Ave. facebook.com INTERESTS

The Snake Pit

Business-minded people will step up to the pit to pitch their innovative ideas. In this local version of “Shark Tank,” each contestant is given information on what the judges want to hear. The winner will be named the Pitch Viper. | 8 pm. Prices vary. Front Street Dive, 10 S. Front St. facebook.com

FOOD & DRINK

SHOP

Philly Vegan Medus Night Market Marke Vegan food is so the 13t misunderstood – it’s not all just salads and shitty tasting fake cheese. Some of the most delicious plant-based options you could buy are available at this weekly food market. | 5 pm. Free. 1417 Point Breeze Ave.

Support loca vendors at T periodic witc and grub wil including ha from 5 to 7p 11pm. | 6 pm Mom, 530 S

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tattooedm

FRI MARCH 13

MUSIC

PARTY

Mr. Bri 2000s Night

I bet you loo dance floor, We know we’re not supposed chance to pr to be the arbiter of what is Head to 200 relive one th and isn’t punk (trust me, we’ve learned our lesson), rock and roll but we think it’s safe to say music from that the Dead Kennedys are Arctic Monk pretty fuckin’ punk. | 8 pm. The Strokes

Dead Kennedys

$26.50. Theater of Living Arts, 334 South St. venue.tlaphilly.com LEARN

Five Years of Sea-Sickness Book Launch & Reading

“Five Years of Sea-Sickness,” written by Erin Moran, is a poetic coming-of-age exploration of girlhood trauma. Join A Novel Idea on Passyunk for a launch party and reading of the book. The event will also feature snacks, refreshments and performances by writers Kaitlyn Buhrman, Rachel O’Hanlon-Rodriguez and Kailey Tedesco. | 7 pm. Free. A Novel Idea on Passyunk, 1726 E. Passyunk Ave. facebook.com

CALENDAR

LYWEEKLYPHILADELPHIAWEEKLY.COM @PHILLYWEEKLY SHOP

Medusa Market: Friday the 13th!

Support local creators and vendors at Tattooed Mom’s periodic witch market. Booze and grub will be on hand, including half-priced drinks from 5 to 7pm and 10 to 11pm. | 6 pm. Free. Tattooed Mom, 530 South St. tattooedmomphilly.com PARTY

Mr. Brightside: 2000s Indie Night

I bet you look good on the dance floor, and now’s your chance to prove me right. Head to 2000s Indie Night to relive one the greatest era of rock and roll this century with music from bands like the Arctic Monkeys, Arcade Fire, The Strokes and the Yeah

Yeah Yeahs. | 10 pm. $5. Kung Fu Necktie, 1250 N. Front St. facebook.com MUSIC

Billie Eilish at Wells Fargo Center

There’s a reason she won all those awards at the Grammys this year. Billie Eilish is America’s hot new pop star and the only way to find out why is to go see her in person yourself. | 7:30 pm. $39.50-$149.50. Wells Fargo Center, 3601 S. Broad St. wellsfargocenterphilly. com PARTY

A Black Celebration Friday the 13th edition This spooky and sassy ‘80s dance party, named after

the Depeche Mode album, will feature Slasher-themed decor and movie music sprinkled in with all of your ‘80s goth and alternative favorites. | 10 pm. $5. Ruba Club, 416 Green St. facebook.com FAMILY FUN

Saint Monica Family Bingo Night

Contrary to popular belief, bingo isn’t just for old people. Grab a group of friends and over to Saint Monica’s for some good old-fashioned bingo fun. Food will be sold at the event. Bingo is also for old people too though, so maybe bring your grandma. | 6:30 pm. $7-$10. Saint Monica School, 1500 S. 16th St. facebook.com

MOVIES

Secret Cinema: And the Envelope, Please

The Secret Cinema’s presentation of “And the Envelope, Please” showcases films that rose to the highest of honors that have since been largely forgotten. The films in this program, which will be projected in 16mm film onto a screen, span from 1937 through 1984. Most took the Academy Award for best film in their category; a few were nominated but did not win. | Friday, 8 pm. $9. Philadelphia Praise Center, 1701 McKean St. facebook.com

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MUSIC

Ms. Lauryn Hill at Tower Theater

Lauryn Hill is one of Philly’s most famous musical exports in recent decades. Catch her at the Tower with her band for a night of fun and great hip-hop. | Saturday, 9 pm. $50.50-$100.50. Tower Theater, 69th and Ludlow St. livenation.com

SAT MARCH 14

PARTY

St. Patrick’s Day Bar Crawl Philadelphia

learn more and sign up for early access at nourity.com

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Last year, this bar crawl claims to have had over 8,000 participants at more than 30 bars throughout Old City, Midtown and Center City. If you get in on the hype this year, not only can you get drunk, but you can win prizes such as an HD TV, Sony Headphones and Sony Bluetooth Speakers. | Noon. $20. The Gaslight, 120 Market St. facebook.com ART

2PAC Art Exhibit

One of the greatest and most influential rappers in existence is getting his own, one-night-only art exhibition, courtesy of the Philly Art Collective. Join local visual artists as they pay tribute to Tupac. | 4 am. Free-$15. Philly Art Collective, 253 North 3rd St. eventbrite.com

RANDOMNESS

Repair Fair #20

This unique event offers Philadelphians an opportunity to get their broken shit fixed by people who know how to fix broken shit. Appliances, electronics, jewelry, fixtures – you name it. If you can carry it in, they’ll try to help you fix it for free. | 10 am. Free. Cohocksink Recreation Center, 2901 Cedar St. facebook.com LEARN

The Presence (and Absence) of Women in Science

Unfortunately, STEM fields have been dominated by men. In this program, historian and Johns Hopkins PhD candidate Joanna Behrman will examine the historical roots of the issue, along with some of what has worked – and what hasn’t – to make science more accessible for all. | 11 am. Free. Science History Institute, 315 Chestnut St. facebook.com

SPORTS

Philadelphia Flyers’ Star Wars Day

March 14 will be the day when Flyers fans and Star Wars fans unite. As the Flyers take on the Minnesota Wild, all fans in attendance will be given a special Star Wars-branded Flyers T-shirt. It’s also a great opportunity to check out the city’s best professional sports team at the moment. | 1 pm. $83-$209. Warehouse on Watts, 923 N. Watts St. wellsfargocenterphilly.com MUSIC

Sturgill Simpson at the Met

You might know him for his more sophisticated version of Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” but Sturgill Simpson is pretty damn good at writing his own music too. He’s coming to the Met on the 14th in support of his latest album, “Sound & Fury.” | 7:30 pm. $80.50-$100.50. The Met Philly, 858 N. Broad St. livenation.com

MARCH 12 - 19, 2020 | PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY

CALENDAR

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SUN MARCH 15

PARTY

Gimme Gimme Disco - A Dance Party Inspired by ABBA This event is for the dancing queen in all of us. | 11 pm. $10-$13. The Fillmore Philadelphia, 29 E. Allen St. facebook.com FOOD & DRINK

St. Patrick’s Day Champagne Brunch Party

The best brunch party in Philadelphia involved mimosas, brunch buffet, live DJs, dancing, games, karaoke and more. Ya gotta be 21 and willing to have fun. | 11 am. $49. Rec & Royal, 111 S. 17th St.

FOOD & DRINK

FAMILY FUN

St. Patrick’s Day Parade After Party

Philly Travel & Adventure Show

If you don’t feel Irish enough after watching the St. Patrick’s Day Parade, come into New Deck Tavern for some fish and chips and a pint (or two, or seven) of Guinness. The nachos here may not be very Irish, but they’re fucking delicious. | 2 pm. Free. New Deck Tavern, 3408 Sansom St. facebook.com ART

Guinness Glass Engraving

Get the deets and deals on hundreds of dream getaways while enjoying live entertainment and fun activities. | Noon. $7.50. Pennsylvania Convention Center, 1101 Arch St. theflowershow.com MUSIC

Broadway Phila Presents: Rain: A Tribute to the Beatles

Byrne’s is offering you the opportunity to engrave your very own Guinness glass. We think you should engrave yours with a giant penis. Otherwise, you’re doing it wrong. | 4 pm. Free. Byrne’s Tavern, 3301 Richmond St.

Tickets to see the Beatles – because half of them are dead. Rain is the next best thing though, so if you’re willing to use your imagination a bit. | 1 pm and 6:30 pm. $39-$99. The Kimmel Center for the Performing Arts, 300 S. Broad St.

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kimmelcenter.org

FOOD & DRINK

Waffle Sunday

The only thing better than eating waffles is eating them for a good cause. Charity organization Waffles4Tourette’s is giving you the opportunity to feast on hot, fresh, waffly deliciousness and even drink some Mimosas (assuming you’re of legal age) at the same time. | Sunday, 10 am. Free. Kensington Community Food Co-op, 2670 Coral St. facebook.com

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PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY | MARCH 12 - 19, 2020

26 X

CALENDAR

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MON MARCH 16

POLITICS

18th Ward Dems Quizzo and Voter Registration at Cedar Point Join the 18th Ward Democrats as they entice you into registering to vote with a fun game of Quizzo. Q: Is voting the civic duty of every able-bodied American citizen? A: Fuck yes it is. | 7 pm. Free. Cedar Point Bar and Kitchen, 2370 E. Norris St. facebook.com BOOKS

Book signing

Robert Trebor, who was born and raised in Philadelphia, went on to co-star in two of the biggest worldwide syndicated TV shows in

FOOD & DRINK

Varga’s March Madness: Evil Genius v. Sterling Pig

Varga will be tapping two kegs at the same time – one an Evil Genius beer and the other by Sterling Pig. The first one that gets kicked advances to the next round. | Monday, 8 pm. Free. Varga Bar, 941 Spruce St. facebook.com

MARCH 12 - 19, 2020 | PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY

the ‘90s and ‘00s, “Hercules: The Legendary Journeys’’ and “Xena: Warrior Princess.” He’s here to discuss his new book, “The Haircut Who Would Be King,” a hilarious satire about the current state of politics and all the personalities involved. | 6:30 pm. Free. Shakespeare & Co. 1632 Walnut St. shakeandco.com

LEARN

Are Public Schools Becoming ConstitutionFree Zones?

The Supreme Court’s treatment of incendiary topics such as race, sex, religion, crime, liberty, patriotism and equality has indelibly shaped public education and the constitutional rights of students around the country. Join Professor Justin Driver of Yale Law School for a talk about this very subject. | 4:30 pm. Free. Silverman Hall, 3501 Sansom St. facebook.com LEARN

Free Philly Capoeira Classes

Have you always wanted to try Capoeira? Do you have absolutely no idea

what the fuck Capoeira is? Either way, this event, which teaches you the an ancient Afro-Brazilian Martial art of Capoeira, is for you. | 6 pm. First class is free. Philly Art Collective, 253 N. 3rd St. facebook.com MUSIC

Concert at the College: Philadelphia Orchestra Chamber Series

Experience an exciting opportunity to hear musicians from The Philadelphia Orchestra play a chamber concert in historic Mitchell Hall at The Mütter Museum/College of Physicians, Home of The Philadelphia Orchestra Chamber Series. | 7 pm. $15-$29. The College of Physicians of Philadelphia, 19 S. 22nd St. eventbrite.com

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CALENDAR

10 Under $10

PARTY

St. Patrick’s Day Brewery Crawl

Low on dough? You can still have a blast

If you ain’t beerin’, you’re doing St. Patrick’s Day all wrong. But not to fear! Yards Brewing Company, Love City Brewing Company, Triple Bottom Brewing Company and Roy-Pitz Barrel House will host you in this fun brewery crawl along Spring Garden Street. | Tuesday, 4 pm. Free. Spring Arts, 10th and Spring Garden.

The Presence (and Absence) of Women in Science

Unfortunately, STEM fields have been dominated by men. In this program, historian and Johns Hopkins PhD candidate Joanna Behrman will examine the historical roots of the issue, along with some of what has worked – and what hasn’t – to make science more accessible for all. | Saturday, March 14, 11 am. Free. Science History Institute, 315 Chestnut St. facebook.com

Guinness Glass Engraving

Byrne’s is offering you the opportunity to engrave your very own Guinness glass. We think you should engrave yours with a giant penis. Otherwise, you’re doing it wrong. | Sunday, March 15, 4 pm. Free. Byrne’s Tavern, 3301 Richmond St.

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TUES MARCH 17

MUSIC

Drake Bell at Kung Fu Necktie

We never thought it would be so simple but we found a way to see Drake Bell live in Philadelphia at Kung Fu Necktie. The former co-star of Nickelodeon’s “Drake and Josh” will grace KFN’s stage for an intimate performance. | 8 pm. $20. Kung Fu Necktie, 1250 N. Front St. kungfunecktie.com MUSIC

Mondo Cozmo at Johnny Brenda’s

Mondo Cozmo is the brainchild of Josh Ostrander, a local guy who was raised in LA but has roots in the Philly ‘burbs. Not only are his songs as infectious and catchy as the coronavirus, but they’re also revered both by the new and old generations of rock and roll alike. | 8 pm. $18-$20. Johnny Brenda’s, 1201 N. Frankford Ave. johnnybrendas.com

LEARN

A Planet to Win: Philly Book Launch

Kate Aronoff and Daniel Aldana Cohen are both two co-authors of a new book called “A Planet to Win: Why We Need a Green New Deal,” and they’ll be in town to give you the facts you need to tell off your crazy conservative climate-denying uncle. | 6 pm. Free. First Unitarian Church, 2125 Chestnut St.

LEARN

Profs & Pints: A Lesson in Irish (Gaeilge)

Roslyn Blyn-LaDrew, a lecturer in Irish Gaelic at the University of Pennsylvania, will be on hand to teach you Gaelic as you guzzle down some brewskis. Téigh éin! You’ll be able to find out what that means if you go. | 6 pm. $12. Cambria Hotel Philadelphia Downtown, 219 S. Broad St. brownpapertickets.com

facebook.com LEARN LEARN

Women of East Passyunk Panel Event

School Funding Briefing at La Colombe

In celebration of Women’s History Month, the East Passyunk Avenue Business Improvement District is presenting the third annual panel discussion with women business owners from East Passyunk Avenue about their experiences, challenges, and success. Q+A and networking to follow. | 6:30 pm. Free. Society Hill Dance Academy, 1919 East Passyunk Ave.

Education advocate and La Colombe CEO Todd Carmichael, along with experts on Pennsylvania’s school funding crisis, will be on hand to teach you about how fucked up public school funding is in the state, which has the largest funding gap in the country between low-wealth and high-wealth school districts | 5:30 pm. Free. La Colombe, 1335 Frankford Ave.

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Pennsylvania Rally Against Hate

Pennsylvania was founded on principles of tolerance and diversity. Yet even today, with hate crimes on the rise, and with our commonwealth still reeling from the tragedy at Tree of Life, our hate crime laws have not caught up to reflect our core ideals. | Wednesday, March 18, 7:30 am. Free. Jewish Community Services Building, 2100 Arch St. jewishphilly.com

Waffle Sunday

The only thing better than eating waffles is eating them for a good cause. Charity organization Waffles4Tourette’s is giving you the opportunity to feast on hot, fresh, waffly deliciousness and even drink some Mimosas (assuming you’re of legal age) at the same time. | Sunday, March 15, 10 am. Free. Kensington Community Food Co-op, 2670 Coral St. facebook.com

PennFems Presents: The Women Behind the Movements

The Women Behind the Movements event is an opportunity to learn about phenomenal women who have led some of the most pivotal movements of our generation – and make some buttons as well. The Women’s March, Black Lives Matter, “Un violador en tu camino,” and more will all be topics of discussion. There will be food. | Monday, March 16, 7 pm. Free. Penn Women’s Center, 3643 Locust Walk. facebook.com

Varga’s March Madness: Evil Genius v. Sterling Pig

Varga will be tapping two kegs at the same time – one an Evil Genius beer and the other by Sterling Pig. The first one that gets kicked advances to the next round. | Monday, March 16, 8 pm. Free. Varga Bar, 941 Spruce St. facebook.com

St. Patrick’s Day Brewery Crawl

facebook.com

Neil Shubin | Some Assembly Required

Evolutionary biologist Neil Shubin was a member of the field team that made the 2004 landmark discovery of Tiktaalik roseae, a 375 million-year-old fossil dubbed the “missing link” between fish and land animals. He’ll be at Parkway Central Library to discuss “Some Assembly Required,” Shubin’s new book in which he constructs an erudite but accessible account of the great leaps forward in animal evolution that can perhaps even help explain the inevitability (or lack thereof) of our existence. | Wednesday, March 18, 7:30 pm. Free. Parkway Central Library, 1901 Vine St. freelibrary.org

Medusa Market: Friday the 13th!

Support local creators and vendors at Tattooed Mom’s periodic witch market. Booze and grub will be on hand, including half-priced drinks from 5 to 7pm and 10 to 11pm. | Friday, March 13, 6 pm. Free. Tattooed Mom, 530 South St. tattooedmomphilly.com

A Black Celebration - Friday

the 13th edition

This spooky and sassy ‘80s dance party, named after the Depeche Mode album, will feature Slasher-themed decor and movie music sprinkled in with all of your ‘80s goth and alternative favorites. | Friday, March 13, 10 pm. $5. Ruba Club, 416 Green St. facebook.com

PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY | MARCH 12 - 19, 2020

28 X

CALENDAR

WED MARCH 18

MUSIC

Dashboard Confessional: 20 Year Celebration

Dashboard Confessional is not a band many would have expected to last 20 years, but hey, they made it. | 7 pm. $90-$175. Theater of Living Arts, 334 South St. facebook.com PARTY

Drake Night: So Far Gone

DJs Dirty South Joe and AliceXtra will thrust you onto the dancefloor as they fill your night with music from Drake. | 9 pm. $10.50. The Fillmore Philadelphia, 29 E. Allen St.

PHILADELPHIAWEEKLY.COM @PHILLYWEEKLY LEARN

Neil Shubin | Some Assembly Required

Evolutionary biologist Neil Shubin was a member of the field team that made the 2004 landmark discovery of Tiktaalik roseae, a 375 million-year-old fossil dubbed the “missing link” between fish and land animals. He’ll be at Parkway Central Library to discuss his new book in which he constructs an erudite but accessible account of the great leaps forward in animal evolution that can perhaps even help explain the inevitability (or lack thereof) of our existence. | 7:30 pm. Free. Parkway Central Library, 1901 Vine St. freelibrary.org

facebook.com

FOOD & DRINK

Evil Genius Girl Scout Cookie Pairings

Let the evil geniuses at Evil Genius teach you how to perfectly and exquisitely pair their beers with Girl Scout cookies. Apparently Tagalongs go really well with Purple Monkey Dishwasher. But you should go find out for yourself. | Wednesday, 6 pm. Free. The Grey Lodge Pub, 6235 Frankford Ave. facebook.com

MARCH 12 - 19, 2020 | PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY

LEARN

Cathy Park Hong in conversation w/ Anne Ishii

Cathy Park Hong is the author of three poetry collections including “Dance Dance Revolution,” chosen by Adrienne Rich for the Barnard Women Poets Prize, and “Engine Empire.” Anne Ishii is a writer, editor and translator, who for the past 10 years has worked specifically to achieve visibility and recognition for art and artists that touch on issues of gender and sexuality in the Asian diaspora. | 6 pm. Free. Asian Arts Initiative, 1219 Vine St. facebook.com

SOCIAL

FNA Social Mixer: Local Artist Meetup

Everybody knows it was artists who made Fishtown the hip neighborhood it is, so the Fishtown Neighbors Association is returning the favor with an opportunity to meet the members of its board for a fun night of networking. You’ll never know when the FNA might just come calling looking for some artwork to be commissioned. | 7 pm. Free. Kurant Cider, 436 E. Girard Ave. facebook.com

ACTIVISM

Pennsylvania Rally Against Hate

Pennsylvania was founded on principles of tolerance and diversity. Yet even today, with hate crimes on the rise, and with our commonwealth still reeling from the tragedy at Tree of Life, our hate crime laws have not caught up to reflect our core ideals. The Rally Against Hate is an opportunity for you to speak out against that bullshit whether you’re Jewish or not. | Wednesday, 7:30 am. Free. Jewish Community Services Building, 2100 Arch St. jewishphilly.com

PHILADELPHIAWEEKLY.COM @PHILLYWEEKLY

CALENDAR

Best BETS Billie Eilish at Wells Fargo Center

There’s a reason she won all those awards at the Grammys this year. Billie Eilish is America’s hot new pop star and the only way to find out why is to go see her in person yourself. | Friday, March 13, 7:30 pm. $39.50$149.50. Wells Fargo Center, 3601 S. Broad St. wellsfargocenterphilly.com

Ms. Lauryn Hill at Tower Theater

MUSIC

Miles On My Mind

This one night only concert featuring Lil John Roberts, Derrick Hodge and James Poyser will pay tribute to jazz great Miles Davis. Collectively, the trio was also a part of the Duke Ellington Orchestra, a project created and directed by Wynton Marsalis, composed of 22 of the countries best young jazz musicians. | Thursday, 7 pm and 9 pm. $27. South Jazz Kitchen, 600 N. Broad St. southjazzkitchen.com

THUR MARCH 19

MUSIC

Anti-Flag

One of Pennsylvania’s most influential punk bands will grace the Fillmore’s stage to promote their latest album, “20/20 Vision.” | 8 pm. $20-$22.50 The Fillmore Philadelphia, 29 E. Allen St. facebook.com FOOD & DRINK

12th Annual Dish It UP The event is the only fundraising event and food tasting competition in Philadelphia featuring all female chefs. When you attend Dish It Up, you support Women Against Abuse’s life-saving services for survivors of domestic violence and raise awareness of this pressing community issue. | 6 pm. $125. Lincoln Financial Field, 1 Lincoln Financial Field Way. donorperfect.net

LEARN

Library Popup: Women in Healthcare

The Mutter Museum’s Historical Medical Library will be celebrating Women’s History Month by displaying ephemera, books, and archival material by women or about women in the history of medicine. Some highlighted items include Margaret Sanger’s books and ephemera on the right to use birth control and William PlayFair’s before and after portraits of women given the “rest cure.” | 1 pm. Free with admission. Mutter Museum of the College of Physicians of Philadelphia, 19 S. 22nd St. muttermuseum.com FOOD & DRINK

First Day of Spring with Lil’ Pop Shop

Triple Bottom Brewing Company is collaborating with the Lil’ Pop Shop on a special menu of pops

inspired by its beers and cocktails. What better way to kick off spring? | 4 pm. Free. Triple Bottom Brewing Company, 915 Spring Garden St. facebook.com LEARN

Marxism and Politics Lecture Series: Why Did Labour Lose?

The Philadelphia chapter of DSA’s lecture series brings political analysts and writers to Philadelphia to give seminars on their recent work. For this lecture, David Broder of Jacobin magazine, Amber A’Lee Frost of the Chapo Trap House podcast and Alex Gourevitch, associate professor of political science at Brown University, will discuss causes, consequences and implications of Labour’s crushing defeat in the recent UK elections. | 7:30 pm. Free. Houston Hall, 3417 Spruce St.

Lauryn Hill is one of Philly’s most famous musical exports in recent decades. Catch her at the Tower with her band for a night of fun and great hip-hop. |Saturday, March 14, 9 pm. $50.50-$100.50. Tower Theater, 69th and Ludlow St. livenation.com

Opening Night Film: I Am That

“I am That” by Joy Marzec kicks off the opening night of the Women’s Film Festival at the Kimmel Center. The film will be followed by a Q&A with director Joy Marzec and some of the cast. | Monday, March 16, 7 pm. $19.50. Perelman Theater at the Kimmel Center, 300 S. Broad St. kimmelcenter.org

Mondo Cozmo at Johnny Brenda’s

Mondo Cozmo is the brainchild of Josh Ostrander, a local guy who was raised in LA but has roots in the Philly ‘burbs. Not only are his songs as infectious and catchy as the coronavirus, but they’re also revered both by the new and old generations of rock and roll alike. | Tuesday, March 17, 8 pm. $18-$20. Johnny Brenda’s, 1201 N. Frankford Ave. johnnybrendas.com

DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL: 20 Year Celebration

Dashboard Confessional is not a band many would have expected to last 20 years, but hey, they made it. Long live emo! | Wednesday, March 18, 7 pm. $90-$175. Theater of Living Arts, 334 South St. facebook.com

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PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY | MARCH 12 - 19, 2020

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Brownie Points

“There providers tion,” said include a d (insertion for issues anal ultra In other w big and co done. And may sugg therapy/p ercises, and so on. But wit NOSHIT, all-powerf problems managed a “The fa ies don’t the ways Q: I’m a cis bi woman, and I mainly have sex shrug’ doesn’t sound like a helpful responseto,” said with people with penises. I have a really gross from a physician who you’re asking for help“And som problem, sorry. It’s been an issue for as long in figuring out a complicated and extremelypoint tow as I’ve been sexually active – but in the past under-researched and therefore tricky sexualquent an being as few years, it seems to have gotten issue.” worse. Dr. Herbenick is a professor atfecal If I am being penetrated vaginalthe Indiana University School of (Aging, c ly, especially if it’s vigorous (which Public Health and author of “Be-hormone-r I prefer), and I orgasm, sometimes I cause It Feels Good: A Woman’stherapy ar poop accidentally. If I try to clench Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satis-cal incont up to keep this from happening, it faction” and numerous other books.women wh doesn’t work and I can’t orgasm. And what you’re going to need, ac-course rep This used to happen once in a blue cording to Dr. Herbenick, is a doc-nence, NO moon, only with particularly intor who’s actually prepared to helpyou genera tense orgasms, but now it happens you. So that awkward conversationsex due to more frequently. One person I’ve you had with your last doctor? Awiring – y been seeing really likes anal, and conversation you no doubt dreadedthe squeak that makes the problem even worse. having? You’re going to have to havestead of ju To be clear: I have no desire for that conversation again, NOSHIT,sex and h poop in my sex life. It’s gross, it’s maybe more than once, with otherto an anal (Alexande embarrassing, and my partners do doctors. @FAKEDANSAVAGE not enjoy it. Nor do I. I’ve tried goI know, I know: Talking with yourceptive an ing to the bathroom before sex, but doctor about a sexual issue – par-Healthier I can never seem to fully empty out. I even ticularly a messy one – is difficult. And whenit.) went to a doctor to talk about it, but all I got we finally work up the nerve to speak with “But fin was a big shrug and no useful suggestions. I’ve a doctor about something like this and thatwilling to looked online and found discussions of this doctor isn’t helpful, our understandable de-in her sex happening to other people sire to avoid having thatbenick. “A and them being underconversation ever again– probably standably horrified, but can lead us to conclude– who’s w nobody mentions it bethat talking to doctors is afigure out ing a regular occurrence. waste of time. But it isn’t,listening t This really sucks! so long as you’re talkingThat seem sex life inv Do you have any sugto the right doctor. gestions? Other than “The letter writerorgasm, a “give up sex completely,” should ask her health-nearly so o which I would prefer not care provider for a refer- Follow to do. ral to an urogynecolo-Herbenick – Necessary Objective: gist,” said Dr. Herbenick, Soothe Her Intestinal “especially one who likes Q: I’m Tract to get to the bottom (no45-year-old pun intended) of chal-years. At told him s “I’ve absolutely lenging cases.” heard of this before, If this happens to youbecause h and as NOSHIT already knows from inat other times – if you poop yourself when youasshole st ternet searches, she’s not alone and needs fart or sneeze – be sure to share that informa-pissed abo for him. help,” said Dr. Debby Herbenick. “And a ‘big tion with the specialist.

DAN SAVAGE

“I’ve tried going to the bathroom before sex, but I can never seem to fully empty out. I even went to a doctor to talk about it, but all I got was a big shrug and no useful suggestions.”

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“There are lots of tests that health-care providers can use to examine her rectal function,” said Dr. Herbenick. “These tests can include a digital rectal exam, a sigmoidoscopy (insertion of a tiny tube with a camera to look for issues such as inflammation), an X-ray, an anal ultrasound, a colonoscopy, or other tests. In other words, there are things other than a big and completely useless shrug that can be done. And depending on what they find, they may suggest biofeedback, surgery, physical therapy/pelvic-floor exercises, supplements, and so on.” But with all that said, NOSHIT, doctors aren’t all-powerful, and some problems can only be managed and not solved. “The fact is, our bodies don’t last forever in the ways we want them responseto,” said Dr. Herbenick. g for help“And some research does extremelypoint toward more freky sexualquent anal intercourse being associated with ofessor atfecal incontinence.” School of (Aging, childbirth, and r of “Be-hormone-replacement Woman’stherapy are very strongly associated with feand Satis-cal incontinence.) Only a small percentage of her books.women who regularly engaged in anal interneed, ac-course reported higher levels of fecal incontiis a doc-nence, NOSHIT, so if this isn’t a problem for ed to helpyou generally – if this is only a problem during nversationsex due to some tragically star-crossed neural doctor? Awiring – you might want to steal a move from bt dreadedthe squeaky clean gay bottoms out there. Inve to havestead of just “going to the bathroom” before NOSHIT,sex and hoping you’re empty, treat yourself with otherto an anal douche to make sure you’re empty. (Alexander Cheves wrote a great guide for rewith yourceptive anal intercourse, “17 Tips for Happier, sue – par-Healthier Bottoming,” for “Advocate.” Google And whenit.) peak with “But finding a health-care provider who’s and thatwilling to listen to what’s important to her ndable de-in her sex life is the first step,” said Dr. Heraving thatbenick. “A sex-positive health-care provider ver again– probably a urogynecologist or a proctologist conclude– who’s willing to hear her out can help her octors is afigure out some good ways forward. It’s about ut it isn’t,listening to what quality of life means to her. re talkingThat seems to include an active, pleasurable or. sex life involving vaginal and/or anal sex with writerorgasm, and without pooping, or at least not r health-nearly so often.” or a refer- Follow Dr. Herbenick on Twitter @Debbyogynecolo-Herbenick. Herbenick, who likes Q: I’m a 32-year-old woman married to a ottom (no45-year-old man. We’ve been together for 10 of chal-years. At the beginning of our relationship, I told him smoking was a deal-breaker for me ns to youbecause he was a former smoker. Well, the when youasshole started smoking again this year. I’m t informa-pissed about this, and it has affected my desire for him.

This is complicated further by the fact that for most of our relationship, we’ve had very mismatched libidos, with mine being much higher. He has always said that I could get my needs met elsewhere, as sex just wasn’t that important to him. Well, last year I started exploring extramarital relationships, and now I have a boyfriend that I’m eager to fuck. Can you guess who is now interested in fucking me? My husband, Mr. Sex Isn’t Important. Turns out, he’s very into fucking me after I’ve fucked another dude. But I only want so much sex, and I don’t want to fuck a smoker. I feel obligated to have sex with my husband, though. My question is, am I? He didn’t feel obligated to have sex with me more than once a month for nine years, which made me feel shitty and undesirable. (Also, we have kids. Hence the marriage and why I’m not going to leave.) – Seriously Hate Ash Mouth

“Did your husband always know this about himself – did he know he was turned on by the thought of you being with other dudes – or did he realize it only after you started fucking this other dude?”

You aren’t obligated to have sex with your husband – you aren’t obligated to have sex with anyone, ever. But I assume you don’t want to be left any more than you want to leave, SHAM. And if you refuse to fuck your husband because he broke the deal you made a decade ago – and because you’re pissed about nine years of sexual neglect (legit grounds) – he might decide to leave you. So while you don’t have to fuck this ash-hole, you might want to fuck this ash-hole. But until he quits smoking, you could reasonably refuse to kiss him or sleep in the same room with him. (Smokers don’t realize how bad it smells – how bad they smell – and just how thoroughly they can stink up a room, even one they never light up in.) One follow-up question: Did your husband always know this about himself – did he know he was turned on by the thought of you being with other dudes – or did he realize it only after you started fucking this other dude? If he knew it all along, and his encouragement to get your “needs met elsewhere” was a dishonest and manipulative attempt to force his kink on you, SHAM, you have even more right to be pissed. But if he realized this turned him on only after you started fucking other dudes – if he was as surprised by how you getting a boyfriend uncorked his libido as you were both surprised and annoyed by it – you might want to forgive him. On the Lovecast, let’s think about same-sex animal behavior: savagelovecast.com.

THERE’S ALWAYS MORE OF SAVAGE TO LOVE! Read: PhillyWeekly.com Have a question?: mail@savagelove.net

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Commercial | 3,934 Sq Ft | $749,900

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LISTINGS 501 VAN LEARS RN, VILLANOVA

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Lot | 0.68 Acres | $665,000

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LISTINGS

788 PANORAMA RD, VILLANOVA

5 Bed | 3.1 Bath | 4,371 Sq Ft | $799,900

1919 CHESTNUT STREET, PHILADELPHIA

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4 Bed | 2.1 Bath | 3,185 Sq Ft | $749,500

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224-30 W RITTENHOUSE SQ, #1017, PHILADELPHIA 1 Bed | 1 Bath | 570 Sq Ft | $275,000

4472 ALMOND ST, PHILADELPHIA 3 Bed | 1 Bath | 1,280 Sq Ft | $255,000

1141 DALY ST, PHILADELPHIA 3 Bed | 1.1 Bath | 1,100 Sq Ft | $239,999

3598 INDIAN QUEEN LN, PHILADELPHIA 4 Bed | 1 Bath | 1,776 Sq Ft | $220,000

3900 FORD RD, #23B, PHILADELPHIA 2 Bed | 3 Bath | 2,000 Sq Ft | $199,900

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Cherry Hill Contemporary 4 bedroom, 2.2 bath home with 2 car garage and in-ground pool. 2 story foyer w/ rounded staircase, living room with fireplace, full bar, large eat in Kitchen. Master bedroom suite has a luxurious bath and plenty of closet space. Full finished basement. Great outside for entertaining. Freshly painted throughout $514,900

UNIT #814 UNIT #510 1 Bed | 1 Bath | 825 Sq Ft | $310,000

UNIT #1914 1 Bed | 1 Bath | 825 Sq Ft | $299,000 NEW PRICE

UNIT #523 Studio | 1 Bath | 495 Sq Ft | $185,000

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1901 JFK BLVD, PHILADELPHIA • Rittenhouse Square • Rooftop Pool • Fitness Center • Parking • 24 HR Security • 24 HR Maintenance • All Utilities Included • Includes Real Estate Tax UNIT #1024-1025 2 Bed | 2 Bath | 1,165 Sq Ft | $449,000 NEW PRICE

UNIT #2911 Studio | 1 Bath | 522 Sq Ft | $174,900

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PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY | MARCH 12 - 19, 2020

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2700 Federal Street | Open Sunday 1 - 2

New Listing | Passyunk Square

Welcome to this stunning new construction home! The Chef’s kitchen features beautiful Calacatta Gold quartz counters, grey shaker soft closing cabinetry with gold hardware, herringbone backsplash and a large 7 foot double waterfall island. This home also offers wide plank hardwood floors, custom metal railings, a surveillance system, potential 1-car parking, and a huge roof deck with skyline views. Includes a 10 year tax abatement and a 1-year Builder’s Warranty.

Adorably constructed to allow the perfect clash of old world character and modern, this is truly a unique home. This sun-drenched trinity offers a galley style kitchen with recessed lighting, crown molding, quartz countertops, stainless steel appliances, white cabinets with over-sized hardware and white subway tile. Head upstairs and find one of the bedrooms featuring an exposed brick wall and a tray ceiling. 4 Bedrooms | 1.5 Baths

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$674,000

New Listing | 1834 S. 15th Street | Open Saturday 12 - 2

New Listing | 745 S. Warnock Street | Open Sunday 2 - 3

Built in 1920, with an exquisite brownstone and brick facade, this home features gorgeous inlaid hardwood flooring and a custom-made chandelier. Enter through the original vestibule into the grand, sun-soaked living room featuring tall windows, high ceilings, and a cozy gas fireplace complete with an ornate mantle. The dining room flows into the large kitchen. Continue outdoors on to the cement patio, perfect for entertaining. 4 Bedrooms | 1 Bath

This energy-friendly house has an open floor plan on the first floor with vestibule, mood-enhancing wood stove, early 1900s hardwood floors with intricate inlays, floor-to-ceiling built-ins that accentuate the living room’s soaring ceiling height, and a sun-drenched east-facing chef’s kitchen with oversized windows looking onto a majestic dogwood in the backyard. 4 Bedrooms | 2 Baths

New Listing | Under Contract | 515 S. 10th Street, Unit E

New Listing | Passyunk Square

$629,000

$310,000

Welcome home in this adorably restored two bedroom home in the heart of Passyunk Square! Modern grey painted brick exterior makes the house stand out. The living room boasts hardwood flooring and two modern ceiling fans. Unique galley style kitchen with white shaker cabinets, stainless steel appliances, and a large window to allow for a ton of natural light during the day. There’s a private flagstone patio in the rear.

This light-saturated, pristine and renovated 3 bedroom, 2 bath home with parking in a gated community features refinished oak hardwood floors throughout, a living room with a wood burning fireplace, a renovated kitchen with stone countertops. Add to these delights a newly landscaped patio, brand-new top quality Pella windows throughout, full exterior and interior paint, new hot water heater, and a new air conditioning compressor. 3 Bedrooms | 2 Baths

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Cherry Hill/Villagio Stunning 3 Bedroom, 3 bath, 1st floor Master Bedroom Suite, large eat in Kitchen with a 2car garage located in the quiet 55+ community of Villagio. This home has HW floors, office, formal living and dining rm, family rm and has been meticulously maintained. $549,900 .

Moorestown An amazing, truly unique 4 bedroom, 5 ½ bath home with gourmet kitchen, full finished walk out basement, 2 car garage w/home theater on 2nd level, a tennis-basketball court, built-in pool w/slide, hot-tub & waterfalls and a covered outdoor kitchen & bar which is nestled on a resort like professionally landscaped 2 acre property. $1,274,900

Marlton/ Little Mill 5 bedroom 5.5 bath home with open first-floor interior floor plan features custom finished hardwood floors, high end moldings throughout entire home, a newly renovated kitchen with granite counter tops, stainless-steel appliances with custom built panels and large center island. The second floor boasts 4 large bedrooms all with newer full baths with granite or marble countertops. Fantastic full finished walk out lower level has custom built entertainment center, full bath, gym room, possible additional bedroom. This home has a newer roof, newer three zone heat and air, newer hardwood floors, carpeting and updated light fixtures throughout. $899,900

Haddonfield This 4 bedroom 4.5 bath home located on one of most desirable streets and offers a cul de sac location, 4 car garage, home theater, screened in porch, hardwood floors throughout a park like setting and completely private rear yard. Enter this one of a kind home through a stunning 2 story foyer complete with custom molding and woodwork to find a completely renovated home with over 5,000 sq. Ft. of living space $1,399,999

Cherry Hill/ Wilderness Run Beautifully updated 4 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, 3 car garage home that flows seamlessly from one room to the next, it's elegant, bright and spacious. Designer kitchen, with professional appliances. The master bedroom suite has a wonder-fully updated bath w/a free standing tub, glass enclosed shower w/decorative tiles, floating double vanities with marble tops and make up area, there are 3 walk in closets and patio doors to a private balcony. $625,000.

Marlton Impeccable end unit town house is located in the sought after Kings Grant section of Marlton. Pride of ownership abounds throughout this bright & light, open & airy home. This is a rare find; boasting both a large finished basement with ample storage space & an attached garage. 264,900

Moorestown/Tom Brown Road 5+ acres private property to build your dream home in the prestigious town of Moorestown, plenty of room for a pool, can build over a 6,000 Square foot home, level piece of ground and a great investment.….$999,900

Clarksboro/Village At Whiskey Mill A 3 Bedroom 2.5 Bath, 1 car garage, w/3 levels of living space located in a quiet development. The first floor has a garage, family Rm and access to back yard. The main level you will find a large kitchen and dining area with sliding glass doors to deck. The 3 level has a master BR with private bath, large WIC and 2 additional bedrooms with hall bath and Laundry. $254,900

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Restrictions apply. Not available in all areas. Actual speeds vary and not guaranteed. For factors affecting speed visit www.xfinity.com/networkmanagement. Xfinity xFi is available to Xfinity Internet service customers with a compatible Xfinity Gateway. Ability to pause limited to home WiFi network. Does not apply to Xfinity WiFi hotspots. Call for restrictions and complete details. NPA224259-0027 NED LG Q1 XFS V6