Policy Above People Or: How It Feels to be Kicked Out of a Faerie Gathering Anonymous

Policy Above People Or: How It Feels to be Kicked Out of a Faerie Gathering

by Anonymous

Being kicked out of a Faerie Gathering does hurt. Going public in RFD is part of my healing process. Making it anonymous is to protect people and place.

Iarrived late night of 20th December in our gathering not knowing that some “traumatic buttons” of trans Faeries had already been pushed by other Faeries. The organizers didn’t tell me about it. I was only told about it later. Which means I have been led into a “trap of trouble.”

Next morning (21st December) I approached a Faerie with the intention to get in contact. I could have made it more easier for me staying in my comfort zone by just talking to Faeries I already know. Since I have been to thirty Faerie gatherings in ten years I can be pretty sure that whatever gathering I join I find Faeries I already know. But I was thinking it may be a good idea for a “long time Faerie” to do the first step to get in contact with other Faeries who may be “newbies,” to make them feel welcome and comfortable instead of keeping it to them to make the first move. Maybe this was wrong. Maybe it’s better to always wait till others approach oneself. Then, if nobody does the first move, we’ll never get in contact with each other. I approached this Faerie not knowing that this Faerie is trans. Since I don’t assume gender or sexual orientation or pronoun of any Faerie but see other Faeries as beloved individuals, it didn’t seem important for me to know in advance what gender or sexual orientation or pronoun a Faerie has. Maybe that was wrong. Maybe I should have asked first “what’s your name, gender, sexual orientation and pronoun?” To me it didn’t feel necessary to do so. Maybe it is. What I actually did was say to this Faerie that I like the dress and necklace and asked if that necklace was from the drag room. This Faerie didn’t answer much but passed on to the kitchen. Maybe asking that question was wrong. Maybe asking any question was wrong. Maybe this trans Faerie had already been hurt by another Faerie before. I was never given the whole story behind this incident by anybody. I do wear my own “real stone necklaces” in gatherings and was asked several times if they are from the drag room. Even if such a question did hurt me, I would never accuse someone being homophobic, although I could, because it may be an assumption that every gay man does like to be a “drag queen” in daily Faerie life, which is definitely not the case. Maybe by then I was already accused of being transphobic because of that simple question. Only later was I told by others that this trans Faerie did feel hurt by my question. But by then there was already this second accident and no more chance to ever apology for anything.

At the dinner table the same night we were invited by the organizers to point out loud names of Faeries we think may be appreciated. Given such an invitation in a group, where one does not know all others very well, was like laying out a “trap of trouble”. Who can ever know if any Faerie who may be named did ever hurt one or more Faeries in the group by writing, saying or doing something? Nobody! So it may have been better for me to stay in my comfort zone and say nothing. Others were more clever and did say nothing. And because almost everybody did say nothing, I was thinking it may be a good idea to go public. But it was definitely not a good idea. I pointed out names of Faeries for some reasons. Even pointing out the name of Harry Hay may have been wrong because even he may have hurt somebody by writing, saying or doing something. When I mentioned the name of a certain Faerie I said that, although I had heard that there is a conflict in his city about him, he had organized two gatherings in his city. No more, no less did I say. Also other Faeries I did mention by name are not without any conflicts. Which Faerie is it anyway? Nobody! I still don’t get it why pointing out the name of a Faerie in a specific context should necessarily mean to agree with everything that Faerie is writing, saying or doing otherwise. And since I had heard that this certain Faerie had recently been invited to a heart circle in his city, I had absolutely no idea that he is an absolute “persona non grata” for at least some Faeries in our gathering. I am not on Facebook. Since when is it necessary before joining a gathering to be up to date about all gossips, shitstorms, rumors or else on Facebook? Nobody told me that! When I realized that the trans Faerie (from the morning incident) was running out of the house I felt shocked. Only then did somebody tell me that the Faerie I had mentioned is labeled as “Adolf Hitler of transphobia”. Since I know history about the cruelest mass murderer in human history responsible for killing about six million people in concentration camps and for World War II in which about fifty million people were killed, I would never ever dare to compare Adolf Hitler with anyone, not even with other cruel dictators who have killed millions of people. By then I was totally shocked, anxious and afraid what would happen next. If this certain Faerie I had mentioned was compared with Adolf Hitler, what would be said about me for pointing out his name? Maybe I was already labeled “Adolf Hitler II. of transphobia”? For I had put a stick into a “wasp nest” now all the “wasps”, already being angry because others have been sticking in, came out of their nest to attack me?

What I did was waiting next to the door to apologize whenever this trans Faerie would come back into the house and give me the chance to do so. But I was told by others around that this trans Faerie didn’t like to give me that chance. Because one should not push apologies when not appreciated, I stepped back and waited. I was never given the chance to apologize, not in private, not in public, not the same day, not the other day. Because we had this tiny Faerie Mail System on the table, I put a short note in the Post Box of this trans Faerie with my message: “I love and respect you for who you are.” I still don’t know if my note ever reached this trans Faerie. In the following night I couldn’t sleep because I was still afraid and anxious being labeled “Adolf Hitler II of Transphobia”, not being allowed to apologize, to express myself, not being able to do so in a foreign language (English).

In the morning circle (22nd December) we decided to make first a heart circle and then a discussion circle about transphobia. I felt a little bit better. I did feel the need to share from my heart in a safe space as well as to help to heal the “wounded situation”. Since I was told I may have been a “catalyst” for the topic of transphobia which had been “under the carpet” in the gathering already and was now “on the table”, I was more than willing to help. By then I had realized that the gay art calender I had put on the altar and the gay photo art the organizers had allowed me to put on the wall were gone. When at the end of the morning circle I asked where my gay art calender and photo art was, a US trans Faerie ran out of the room interrupting me by shouting out loud something like transphobia being more important than artwork. I was totally shocked and afraid that maybe someone had intentionally put it away to punish me for being “Adolf Hitler II. of Transphobia”. Probably it was a coincidence and had nothing to do with it. I still don’t know for sure. The gay art calender didn’t show up. I was confused and felt like a “hunted animal.”

Then came the heart circle. The trans Faerie who had felt hurt the day before and the US trans Faerie who had shouted at me didn’t join. So we missed the opportunity to get to know each other by heart. I did share first that I came to this gathering in need to be in a safe space, but because disturbances have priority I was willing to first help solving our “wounded situation” and put back my own issues. Then I did share some of my experiences with other trans Faeries in thirty gatherings in ten years, that there has never ever been any trouble with me and trans Faeries but exactly the opposite, that I had , for example, shared a twin room with a trans Faerie in a recent gathering without any complaint, that I have been recognized as a good listener, a warmhearted comforting Faerie and even been said to bring angel energy into a gathering. I was addressed directly by another Faerie which made me feel hurt and uncomfortable, but I did let it happen for not making more trouble.

I do believe that apologizing is appropriate if someone crossed a boundary or becomes aware that someone else feels hurt by any action of oneself or was mistaken about something, even if someone didn’t do anything wrong intentionally. I did share this in the heart circle too. And before the discussion circle about transphobia started, I asked the organizer being the facilitator of this circle, if he would give me the chance in the beginning to apologize for what I did say the other day to help to reduce the tension. He said that he had another setting in mind. In the first round to express our emotions I shared how I felt: afraid and anxious not being allowed to apology and to express myself in a foreign language (English) and being interrupted during the discussion, which would make me angry, upset and confused, because if this happened I wouldn’t be able to express myself in English properly. It was exactly what happened in the second round about experiences of transphobia.

There was no Faerie in the gathering who speaks my mother’s language to help me translate in case I didn’t know how to express myself properly in English (writing is easier). I did listen to others and waited till the organizer as facilitator gave me the word. Then I explained how deeply touched I was by the sharing of three lovely trans Faeries about their life experiences and how thankful I was for sharing their concept of transphobia. Since someone had mentioned the situation of trans people in other countries, I tried to give informations about the situation of trans people in my country. Since someone had mentioned similarities / differences to racism, I tried to mention similarities / differences to homophobia. I was interrupted more than once by an US trans Faerie, saying that this is nothing others wanted to hear, using the plural “we” assuming the whole group did think the same. I tried to share a personal experience from a former gathering about a Faerie who came with a female name and added a male name during the gathering. I was not allowed to finish but interrupted again by the US trans Faerie accusing me of using the wrong pronoun for this Faerie. Fact is that this certain Faerie in that former gathering did use both pronouns alternately. Nobody will ever know why. Since that certain Faerie (whom I loved dearly) died three months later, I unfortunately lost my “witness.” The US trans Faerie accusing me for using a wrong pronoun in fact claimed the right to assume the pronoun of a Faerie not even knowing that Faerie personally. Which was contradictory to what has been explained by the three trans Faeries just few minutes before about transphobia and avoiding any assumptions. I wouldn’t accuse the US trans Faerie, I would say it was just a mistake. But according to which was said by the three trans Faeries just minutes before, this was a transphobic saying by this US trans Faerie. The organizer as facilitator did let all this happen instead of helping me. When I asked when I would be given the chance to express myself and to apology for what I did say the day before, I was told that it would be later. But in fact there was no later.

There was a break in which I, feeling very upset, angry and afraid, asked a Faerie next to me in an even more broken English, why the US trans Faerie was allowed to interrupt me several times, using the term “guy”. In the same second from the other side of the room the US trans Faerie shouted out loud not being a “guy”. I was totally shocked. I explained to a Canadian Faerie next to me what I had learned in English language school: that the term “guy” can be used genderless like the term “person”, to what the Canadian Faerie agreed. Maybe trans Faeries in general or this US trans Faerie see it differently. If so, I did make a mistake and am sorry.

Then the organizer as facilitator accompanied me to the bathroom explaining me, that what I’ve said in the discussion was not what the trans Faeries wanted to hear, that I made the trans Faeries upset and that I should better just admit that I am transphobic, since “we all are transphobic”. That was a total shock for me. First, I didn’t knew that I and only I was not allowed to contribute to the discussion what I want to express but only what others want to hear. Secondly, I do believe from ten years in thirty gatherings, that each Faerie is responsible for one owns feelings and that others may by accident trigger a “traumatic button”, but feeling upset doesn’t mean someone else did “make” oneself upset, which means one cannot blame or accuse another one for being responsible for one owns feelings. Thirdly, I did listen to the explained concept of transphobia, but I had heard other concepts from other trans Faeries as well, which I didn’t point out in the discussion because I didn’t want to be again a “trouble maker”. Deep in my heart I do believe that I am not transphobic, never was and never will be, but that I regretfully make mistakes, for which I am willing to apology, to learn to do better and to avoid them next time. I do love trans Faeries deep from my heart as I love other Faeries as well. I was never accused being transphobic in ten years in thirty gatherings. Therefore I would say I have a point here. By the way: I stepped out of the Catholic Church decades ago because I don’t believe the early church father Augustinus (354-430 AD) who said: “We all are sinners”. Whilst the organizer as facilitator had pointed out only hours before, that everyone is innocent unless proven guilty, it was suddenly the opposite. I was already been sentenced being guilty. I never felt so hurt in Faerie space in thirty gatherings in ten years. The organizers didn’t care about me, but only about themselves and others.

I have three main “traumatic buttons” from my early childhood which were triggered many times in this gathering. The first one is not being allowed to express myself, like in the line of a Cat Steven song: “From the time I could talk / I was ordered to listen”. I was always made shut up. I came to Faerie space to finally have the opportunity to express myself and to show who I am without judgements, which I got my whole life. This was triggered several times by interrupting me ,not letting me finish. The second one is the message “You are never good enough however hard you try, but you have to be perfect”, which I have heared since my early child-hood. I came to Faerie space to finally have the opattacked in the heteronormative transphobic outer portunity of not being perfect without judgements, world for approximately their whole life, and were which I got my whole life. This was triggered deeply in need to be nurtured, kept safe and given several times by accusing me for making mistakes. the feeling to belong. I blame the organizers. It was The third one is being treated unfairly and unjustly, their duty to comfort them and to assure them in not having the same rights as others, which I have the most loving way, that they do belong in Faerie experienced a lot since my early childhood. I came space, that they are deeply loved by us Faeries, and to Faerie space to finally have the opportunity to that they would do anything they can to help to be in a space where we treat each other fairly and solve this “fucked up situation” by offering the next justly with same rights. This was triggered several day any possible form of face to face talk, circles times because some Faeries seem to have more or discussions in smaller or bigger groups with or rights to have “traumatic buttons”, which nobody without me, maybe with the help from someone is ever allowed to trigger by accident, whilst other as mediator if requested. But, and there is a “but”, Faeries don’t have the same rights but have to acit was also their duty to tell them clearly, that they cept, that others are would not kick out allowed to trigger their another Faerie who is “traumatic buttons” all the time. The orgaI came to Faerie space to also a “deeply wounded soul”, who does also nizer as facilitator did finally have the opportunity belong in Faerie space, let it happen. This was to be in a space where we who is also deeply like in George Orwell’s novel Animal Farm (1945), where lots of treat each other fairly and justly with same rights. This loved, because he is also deeply in need being nurtured, kept safe different species create was triggered several times and given the feeling to a community giving because some Faeries seem belong. The organizers themselves a basic law “All animals are equal”, which is later, to have more rights to have “traumatic buttons”, which didn’t say it. I stepped out of the house with the after one species has nobody is ever allowed to two organizers to talk. taken over the power, trigger by accident, whilst They admitted, that changed into “All animals are equal, but some are more equal other Faeries don’t have the same rights but have to since there is no clear “Faerie law” for what crime a Faerie should than the others.” Of accept, that others are allowed be sentenced being course I am responto trigger their “traumatic kicked out of a gathersible for my own feelings and traumas. But buttons” all the time. ing, it would be unfair to kick me out. One all other Faeries are organizer mentioned, responsible for their that even a Faerie being own feelings and traumas too, and not allowed to accused of having sexually abused a new Faerie in blame others for it. The organizers didn’t realize another gathering was not kicked out, but that even this, but let it happen. this abusive assault had been solved somehow. The

After the break the organizer as facilitator organizers admitted, that they were afraid that no ended the discussion, because the three trans other trans Faerie would ever come to this sanctuFaeries didn’t want to continue. I was not given any ary again. I said, that this was an assumption (which, chance to express myself and to apology for what I according what we had heard about transphobia did say the day before. I was told that trans Faeries that day, we shouldn’t do) and nobody would know (I don’t even know if all three of them) wanted for sure what will be in the future, if we’d find a me to be kicked out of the gathering, or the trans proper solution for this “fucked up situation”. They Faeries would leave. Of course this was an even admitted, that they as well as the whole group had bigger shock for me. I don’t even blame the trans failed so far to solve the problem, and said, it would Faeries for this request. From what I feel all three be better to end the gathering if it turns out that we of them are “deeply wounded souls”, who have been cannot solve the problem the next day, so that not one Faerie alone (me) would be sentenced being guilty. They said, they would announce a consensus circle of the whole group the next day to decide if we continue or close the gathering. They asked me if it would be OK for me if I don’t join this consensus circle to cause no more trouble. I agreed, requesting that they bring as my input my will deep from my heart to help to heal the situation by contributing to any talk. They agreed.

Then they told me that I had to sleep in the outdoor kitchen that night to cause no more trouble. I was not even allowed to use the bathroom in the main house and get my own things by myself. One organizer did bring me my sleeping bag, suitcase and other belongings. This was a total shock for me. Since the three trans Faeries had been given the drag room as a sleeping place to feel safe, it was not appropriate to kick me out of the house, because that was already a punishment, a sentence that I (and only I) was guilty. I was never ever kicked out of the house in ten years in thirty gatherings. None of the two organizers offered me to sleep with me in the outdoor kitchen that night to show me and the other Faeries, that it was not a sentence for me being guilty alone and to keep me company if I was in need of support. The three trans Faeries had already a lot of support by others in the house. I kept crying my eyes out during the whole night. I cite lines from the song “Left Outside Alone” to express my feelings: “And I wonder if you know / How it really feels / To be left outside alone / When it’s cold out here.” The organizers didn’t care one bit about me, but only about themselves and others. In fact kicking me out of the house was already a sentence. That was already absolutely, totally unfair and unjust. Deep in their heart they know it. But what came later was even more unjust and unfair.

The next morning (23rd December) one organizer came to me to tell me, that it had already been decided to kick me out of the gathering by now and that I must leave the same day without using the bathroom to take a shower or having breakfast in the main house. Instead I was offered to take fruits or vegetables from the outdoor kitchen. The organizers did not care how I would feel alone in the capital city far away from this sanctuary at the 24th December waiting for my plane to get back home at 25th. I was totally shocked. How could this be after what they had told me by night? So I asked. The answer was, that they had made a phone call to a sanctuary steward and that he had decided to kick me out of the gathering. This was the easiest way for them. In fact I was sacrificed for the sake of the sanctuary’s good reputation as a trans inclusive place. I do support inclusivity. But the word “inclusive” was insofar perverted by the organizers, as what they did was exactly the opposite of “inclusive”: They did “exclude” me instead of “including” me. This was and is a misuse of power. They put all the guilt on me. They made me the “whipping boy” for anyone ever having triggered a “traumatic button” of any trans Faerie. No one else in the gathering was sentenced, although I was told, that before I arrived some “traumatic buttons” of trans Faeries had already been triggered. The organizers themselves were not sentenced for failing in solving this “fucked up situation”. They did punish me and only me. That was and is unbelievable and absolutely, totally cruel, unfair and unjust. Deep in their heart they know it. Obviously the organizers didn’t even have the courage to make the consensus circle with all Faeries in the group, which they had promised the other night, because they were afraid the “jury” wouldn’t approve to the sentence punishing me by kicking me out. They did not even had the courage to make the decision on their own, because they didn’t want to be made responsible for it as judges. Therefor they handed over the responsibility to a “Boss Faerie” far away in the background, sitting comfortable at his desk, who had an easy game, without even looking me into my eyes or listening to me via phone before, to sentence me to be punished by being kicked out. I need to say: Both organizers were cowards.

I did never feel so deeply hurt in Faerie space. Never ever in ten years in my thirty gatherings had any Faerie been kicked out of a gathering for something I did: Mistakes. By accident. No less, no more. So I am more of a “bad Faerie” than any other Faerie I’ve met in ten years in thirty gatherings? Even more “bad” than that other Faerie one organizer had mentioned, who has been accused of having sexually abused a new Faerie in another gathering? Because that other Faerie was not punished by being kicked out.

Weeks after, a mediation talk took place in another gathering somewhere else with one organizer, the steward, a mediator Faerie, a Faerie friend of mine and me. In which the steward explained that in his phone call with the organizers he had only reminded them about the policy this sanctuary has: “If a trans Faerie feels hurt by another Faerie, the needs and requests of the trans Faerie have absolute priority without further investigation.” Policy above People!