Love just got Real Relationship choices to honour your authentic self
Derusha Pillay
Š Derusha Pillay 2019 First published by BK Press 14 Wolseley Rd, Stamford Hill, Durban, 4001
ISBN: 978-1-928245-31-5
Cover photography by Byron du Bois All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, translated or transmitted in any form by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the author.
Dedication I dedicate this book to the men and women who have experienced loneliness, heartbreak and abusive relationships, and are in the process of learning and healing. I admire your strength, courage and determination to never give up on yourself. It gives me great pleasure to write this book in honour of you and your journey to discovering your authentic self, and thereby, real love.
Acknowledgements I would like to thank my family and friends who have supported me. As well as the people and experiences which have taught me the lessons I am now sharing with others. My thanks to my life coach, Dianne Blom. She has taught me to use the pain I have endured to better myself. Her wisdom and guidance have been instrumental in my healing process. My sincere gratitude to my editor, Ginny Porter. She has done an impeccable job and provided valuable advice and encouragement to me. It has made the writing and publishing of this book a special and joyful experience. To Byron du Bois, for his outstanding photography. I admire the creativity and excellence that he pours into his work. He is available via email on dubois.byron@gmail.com.
Contents Author Profile..................................................................... v Introduction .......................................................................vi 1: Wholeness ..................................................................... 1 Physically whole ......................................................... 1 Emotionally whole ..................................................... 3 Spiritually whole ........................................................ 4 Why should you be whole? ....................................... 5 Characteristics of a whole person ............................. 5 2: Standards & Boundaries ................................................ 9 3: Don’t Settle .................................................................. 16 4: Relationship Mistakes & Misconceptions .................... 19 Searching for your romantic fantasy ....................... 19 Justifying wrong relationships to find the right one 20 Easily impressed due to a lack of self-love .............. 21 Ignorant of interested versus invested people ........ 21 Focusing on words, not actions and intent.............. 26 Revealing yourself too soon .................................... 26 Denying the truth about a person ........................... 28 Nagging or being wrongfully accused of nagging .... 31 Considering vulnerability as a weakness ................. 32 Causing or allowing yourself to be isolated ............. 33 Performing to prove your worth ............................. 35 Mistaking poor character for ignorance .................. 36 i
Viewing abusive behaviour as love .......................... 37 Misinterpreting emotional disconnection ............... 38 Feeding a person’s vices to ‘keep’ them.................. 41 The ‘at least’ mentality ............................................ 41 The ‘no-one’s perfect’ excuse .................................. 43 Determining a relationship’s quality by its duration 44 A relationship as a reward, instead of a choice ....... 45 Replacing relationships ............................................ 46 A false perception of singleness and marriage ........ 47 Immature views regarding sex and marriage .......... 48 5: Deal-breakers ............................................................... 50 Deceit ....................................................................... 50 Perversion ................................................................ 53 Emotional instability ................................................ 55 Selfishness................................................................ 56 Lack of authenticity.................................................. 59 Immaturity ............................................................... 60 Controlling behaviour .............................................. 68 Dominance and Devaluation ............................ 68 Gaslighting ........................................................ 72 Silent treatment ............................................... 75 A conscience-less existence ..................................... 78 6: Starting Relationships .................................................. 80 Why? ........................................................................ 80 ii
Falling in lust versus choosing to love .............. 81 Relationship choices have consequences ........ 82 When? ...................................................................... 83 How? ........................................................................ 84 Through other people ...................................... 85 Through social media ....................................... 85 Casual dating .................................................... 86 Advice for interacting with potential partners ........ 87 Who?........................................................................ 92 Ask relevant questions............................................. 93 Standards and priorities ................................... 96 Transparency and responsibility....................... 97 Family and friends .......................................... 106 Work ethic ...................................................... 111 Financial management ................................... 112 7: Maintaining Relationships ......................................... 113 8: Ending Relationships .................................................. 115 When you break up with someone ....................... 115 When someone breaks up with you ...................... 119 9: Healing from Heartbreak & Abuse............................. 122 Become aware of abuse ........................................ 122 Manage your memories......................................... 125 Institute no contact ............................................... 126 Dealing with a dysfunctional ex ............................. 128 iii
Research, Reflection and Reformation .................. 138 10: Restoring or Rejecting Relationships ....................... 145 Restoring relationships .......................................... 145 Rejecting previous relationships ............................ 151 Rejecting new relationships ................................... 157 11: Loving again ............................................................. 159 Afterword: Dear Authentic Self ..................................... 161
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Author Profile
D
erusha Pillay is a South African author and pharmacist by profession. She has completed a nineyear spiritual program which incorporated a universal approach to the various religions and scriptures. It focused on the inculcation and practise of basic human values into daily living. Derusha has previously written and donated two books to a spiritual organisation in India. My Dear Sweet Lord encompasses the process of the author's own journaling and self-reflection to highlight the lessons she has learned. Some of these include being true to yourself, trusting your inner voice, moving forward in life, as well as having peace and gratitude. Sai in Scripture: Ramayana is based on the Hindu scripture, the Ramayana. It uses examples from this text to explain the human values and teachings involved. The author studies the story, the characters and their actions, and applies them to the situations and challenges that people face presently. Her latest work, Love just got Real examines romantic relationships and the joy or trauma they can create in our lives.
You can contact Derusha on derushapillay@mweb.co.za.
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Introduction
Y
ou must know and love yourself before you attempt to love and be loved by others. Many years should be spent discovering your strengths, weaknesses and goals. You must determine your standards and boundaries which are a direct consequence of your self-worth, beliefs and values. These must be held sacred to you, undefiled by society, your partner, and even your family. This is the moral foundation you build for yourself. Its strength is the one you will depend on as you face the storms of life. By having this firm footing, you will be less likely to be swept off your feet by fantasy. Many of us have felt the sudden shock of reality after falling off cloud nine. We were lost in a fictitious romance which we thought was real. We then conceded that love was blind and a fool. But this is incorrect. Love is truth and awareness. We had opted for the idealised, false version of it in our minds and ignored the facts in front of us. Our fault was our lack of authenticity and knowledge. I wish I could tell you that by being a loving person, others will reciprocate. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. There are people who will reject you or feign love for you to gain some advantage. They will complicate your life or want to annihilate it altogether. You cannot shy away from the reality of abuse in relationships. To deny this fact, would be to leave yourself vulnerable and defenceless against it. Therefore, to learn about loving relationships, you must also learn about abusive ones.
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The information I am sharing has been painfully learnt through personal experiences, as well as those of others I have heard and witnessed. I hope this book provides you with whatever you need in your relationships, be it direction, explanation, or even confirmation.
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1: Wholeness
T
he beginning of any relationship starts with yourself. Understanding who you are determines the success or failure of any partnership you form. A relationship should be the joining of two whole individuals. Whole is defined as being full, not lacking, and an entire unit. You have physical, emotional and spiritual aspects. To have wholeness, is to have unity and stability in these different constituents.
Physically whole This is your physical body and everything related to you in the physical realm, i.e. your health, family, friends, finances, assets, education and occupation. These aspects constitute your first visible layer. It’s easy to fret over these and compare yourself with others. You’re trying to find your worth in temporary things. What happens when time is stronger than your beauty, and you can no longer hold onto it? What about when you lose money, friends and your career? Does your selfworth diminish too? No, it is your character which is your real treasure. No price can be placed on it. To be physically whole doesn’t mean you should struggle to have the ideal body, career, family and spouse, based on society’s perceptions. Instead, love and accept your body for its unique shape. If you need to make changes for health purposes, do so. Your body will age and let it do so gracefully. There is nothing wrong with enhancing or beautifying yourself. Just don’t become obsessed with re-attaining the body of your youth or an unreal one. Eat a nutritious diet and exercise to strengthen your body and mind. Invest in your education and 1
aim for excellence in your studies and occupation. Become financially stable and independent so that you have the power to make your own decisions. Discover and develop your talents. Pursue what interests you and brings you joy, such as reading, writing, art, music, outdoor activities, baking, cooking, sewing, travelling and spending time with family and friends. Evaluate the people in your life and pick your confidants carefully. There should be people who inspire you, as well as those who look up to you. Avoid people who are envious, hateful and fearful towards themselves and others. Your family might have not set a good example or may have mistreated you. Don’t use this to perpetuate any dysfunctions you’ve acquired in your adulthood as a result. I am not minimising your suffering, but the choice to remain a victim rests with you. You can decide to become a survivor and rise above what the others around you couldn’t. A choice of denial, deviancy or discipline. Your physical body must be effectively managed by mastering your physical senses and desires. If you deny that you have these to present a ’holier than thou’ image to society, it will cause you to do things secretly. You will then live a double life. You can also indulge in these abnormally, which may result in health and financial problems. A third option is to develop discipline. Self-control involves understanding your desires and being in charge of what you do about them. You should not let your impulses overpower your judgement. This requires sacrifice on your part. You must 2