Marriage and
Divorce A survivor’s guide
Copyright Š 2011 Spike Farrell
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, translation, recording or any information storage or retrieval system without permission from the copyright holder.
ISBN 978-0-9869919-4-3
Published by Osborne Porter Literary Services, PO Box 1957 Westville 3630, Website: www.osborne-porter.com E-mail: info@osborne-porter.com
The author may be contacted on spikefarrell@mweb.co.za
Contents
About the Author Foreword Review Preamble
i ii iii iv
1
Peter and Fiona ─ The Beginning
1
2
Why Marry
3
3
When Things Go Wrong
5
4
Why Marriages Fail
7
5
Shut Up and Listen!
9
6
Respect Your Partner
12
7
Respect Yourself
14
8
The Art of Compromise
16
9
Play Together, Stay Together!
19
10
Is the Marriage Worth Saving?
21
11
What not to do in a Marriage
23
12
Forgiveness in Marriage
26
13
How to Unwittingly Screw up Your Marriage 29
14
Peter and Fiona ─ Car Accident
32
15
Emotional Abuse
36
16
Forms of Emotional Abuse
38
17
Bipolar Disorder in Divorce
40
18
Alcohol / Drug Abuse
42
19
Peter and Fiona - Alcohol Abuse
44
20
Domestic Violence
46
21
Don’t Show Affection to your Partner
48
22
Peter and Fiona ─ How Fiona Changed
50
23
How Alcohol can Wreck Your Marriage
53
24
How to Alienate Your Partner!
55
25
Don’t Belittle Your Partner
59
26
Lying in a Marriage
61
27
Don’t Criticise One Another
64
28
Jealousy in Marriage
66
29
Control is a Marriage ‘Wrecker’
68
30
Picking a Fight
70
31
A Lack of Empathy Destroys Marriage
72
32
Co-ordinate Your Dreams
75
33
How Not to Screw up Your Marriage
77
34
How to Wreck Your Sex Life
80
35
Boredom in Marriage - A Real Killer
82
36
How to say You’re Sorry
84
37
Selfishness in Marriage
86
38
Are You Being ‘Lazy’ in Your Marriage?
89
39
Little Things do Count
92
40
Adultery
94
41
Peter and Fiona ─ Adultery
96
42
Cheating on Your Partner
99
43
Signs of a Cheating Partner
101
44
How to Catch a Cheating Partner
103
45
Why Women Cheat in Marriage
105
46
Why Men Cheat in Marriage
107
47
Why Husbands go to Prostitutes
110
48
To Divorce or Not Divorce
112
49
Time for a Divorce?
115
50
Reasons for Divorce
116
51
Liars in Divorce
120
52
The Lie by Omission
121
53
Private Investigators
122
54
Private Investigator Equipment
124
55
Choosing an Attorney
127
56
Grounds for Divorce
129
57
Things to Remember in Your Divorce
130
58
Winning the Settlement Battle
133
59
Devastation of Divorce
135
60
Emotions Through a Divorce
137
61
Depression During Divorce
139
62
Divorce and the Workplace
141
63
Friends in Divorce
144
64
Children and Divorce
146
65
Aftermath
148
66
So Now You’re Divorced
151
67
You are Not Alone!
153
68
Why Divorce Hurts
155
69
Counselling After Divorce
156
70
Picking up the Pieces
158
71
Dating After Divorce
161
72
The Pursuit of Happiness
162
73
Backword
168
Review
M
arriage and Divorce, A Survivor’s Guide by Durban’s own Spike Farrell is the only book I have ever come across that makes essential reading for both happily married couples and those in the throes of a divorce. Its 73 chapters (yes 73!) cover every imaginable topic, some of which, if followed will spice up a teetering marriage. Other chapters will help in uncovering an affair, while yet others will assist couples who must find a meaningful life post-divorce. Spike is for marriage, he wants every marriage to survive, yet he recognizes that sometimes divorce is inevitable – and his book is geared to helping couples on every point of the continuum. Spike knows his material. He’s unpretentious. He’s quick witted. The book is thoroughly practical. After 10 years of writing “You and Me” for The Mercury (the morning newspaper in Spike’ city) and after receiving thousands of letters that cover every imaginable detail of the pain and pleasure that follow men and women in search of love, I am pleased to endorse Spike’s book. It will be helpful to lay and professional counsellors alike and to all those who come face-to-face with the joy and the pain of our mutual, daily search for meaningful relationships. Rod E. Smith www.DifficultRelationships.com www.Twitter.com/RodESmithwww.FaceBook.com/RodESmith iii
Preamble
M
arriage and Divorce, a Survivor’s Guide was a tough book to write. Marriage and divorce are two of the most difficult things to do in my opinion. The different sections of this book deal with both subjects in what I hope is a helpful and user-friendly way. When it comes to marriage, it is so easy to slip into an existence in which you take each other for granted, and start to make simple mistakes which ultimately lead to the collapse of the relationship. We all make mistakes in marriage. In this book I have pointed out some of the more common mistakes which are easily avoidable and, if action is taken early on, could save your marriage. If your marriage has gone beyond the point of ‘no return’, and you are seriously thinking about getting a divorce, then this book will assist by providing insight into what to expect. When I was getting divorced, I looked for a book which would help me through the process and at the same time help me to not look like a complete fool in front of my attorney. There was nothing available which could provide even a little insight into the world of divorce and it was therefore a case of ‘on the job’ training! This book will give you an idea about what you will go through with friends, the workplace, children, the emotions to expect and many other areas including how you will feel once the ‘divorce dust’ has settled. Included in the book are some genuine tales from a real iv
marriage. The characters are real people; their names have been changed, but their stories are true. These stories will give you an idea of some of the things that can go wrong in a marriage. The purpose of this book is not to give you legal advice, or to offer any kind of physiological support, but rather to give you the benefit of my own experience. Much of what you read is my own personal opinion; it is intended to provide you with assistance and direction during a very difficult time. Divorce is hard, and I would really recommend that if you can salvage your marriage, to do so. The alternate road is long and hard (but survivable). I always tell people that giving up smoking was the second best thing I ever did! I wish you the very best of luck!
“When you are going through hell... Keep going!” Winston Churchill
v
Marriage and Divorce, a Survivor’s Guide
1 Peter and Fiona ─ The Beginning
T
o all intents and purposes, and to most people around them, Peter and Fiona seemed to have the ‘perfect marriage’. They dated for eight years before they married, (to try and make sure that things were going to work out); they both had good jobs, thus money wasn’t a problem; they had a really comfortable, fully paid for townhouse in an exclusive suburb and both owned reliable cars. Peter and Fiona ate out three or four times a week at excellent restaurants, and travelled overseas at least twice a year. They had a wonderful circle of friends; Peter sent flowers to Fiona on a regular basis for no particular reason. It thus seemed, to those outside the marriage, like a partnership made in heaven; a fact which people regularly commented on. Peter loved Fiona very much, and would have done absolutely anything for her. He did all he could to make her life as pleasant as possible; taking the strain off her wherever he could, and being completely loyal to Fiona. So when cracks started to appear in their marriage, Peter was shocked to the core; in fact devastated would be a better word. All that you read about Peter and Fiona in this book actually happened. The names have been changed for obvious reasons, [1]