October 2023 Special Needs Living Magazine

The Old You

BY KYLIE ZEHNDER

Oftentimes, we are taught about the grief that parents have to endure when they receive a diagnosis for their child. We are taught that there will be times when we cry over the fact that we simply did not have the child we imagined when we were expecting. All the dreams and ambitions that parents hold for their children turn into “what if” and “now what?”. It sounds so harsh to the typical world, to mourn or grieve a child we envisioned having, but as a parent to a special needs child, it’s a reality. And while we hear those words “it’s okay to grieve the child envisioned”, why don’t we hear “it’s okay to mourn the parent you thought you were going to be.”.

Being a special needs parent is the most rewarding and loving job, but there comes a point where sadness can take over. We protect and love our kids like wild animals protecting their young, but who is protecting you? Who is standing in your corner telling you that it’s okay to be sad? Sad that you are not the mom or dad that you always wanted to be. So many parents have given up their career choices, their degrees, their outings with friends, to become this solitude of a person, for the sake of their child. At what point are parents allowed to envision what life was like before? The mom who worked as an EMT while going to school to be a Paramedic but had to quit to raise their special needs child. The mom who was the nurse, and a darn good nurse, but quit so she could be the nurse for her own child. The mom who wanted to be a stay-at-home mom but realized the child’s needs exceeded her capabilities. The dad who wanted the 9-5 p.m. job so he could be home each night but is now working 2 or 3 jobs just to pay for therapies and medical devices. To the dad who dreamed of coaching his kid’s t-ball team, but instead is teaching their kid to catch a ball through physical and occupational therapy sessions. These old visions of life tend to get swept away while fully and willingly taking on the position of a new life. A life never expected, but never regretted. A life that fulfills the happiness and wonder that could never have been achieved in prior lifetime visions. It’s a life that has taught parents how to be stronger and better, eager and determined. It’s a life of no quitting. Embracing this life is magical in the saddest way. It means you give up who you thought you once were going to become. And that is okay to admit.

It is okay to cry, mourn, grieve, and miss who you once were. It is ok to think of that old version of you and say, “I miss you”. That old version of you helped make up who you are today. You are not alone in your thoughts; you are not alone in your tears and sadness. It is ok to miss you!