November 2023 Special Needs Living Magazine

GRIEF CLUB NOT FIGHT CLUB

BY AMANDA ANSCHUTZ

I did something out of my comfort zone, and I have no regrets. My hope is that after you’ve heard my story that you will feel empowered to do the same. Grief is tough, it doesn’t matter what part of this journey you are on, it’s just tough. Sometimes the misconception is that it’s like a light switch that you can turn off and on when you feel like it, well let me tell you that light switch is broken, and it will just be part of your life. But the good news is that you are not alone on this journey. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE will have grief. It could be the death of a loved one, a divorce, a broken friendship, a job loss, financial struggles… the list goes on. Thankfully there are a lot of people in this world who make it their life mission to help you navigate this club that no one wants to be in, but everyone will be.

A few months ago, the church where we make our meals out of shared that they would be holding a Grief Share group, and if we would be interested in checking it out, we would be welcome. My husband and I figured it might not be a bad idea for us to check out the group so we could recommend it to those in our organization who might need it. I never imagined that I personally would need it, because let’s be real, I was handling the grief in my life with no problem. (NOT!) So, we signed up and went about our business till last week when I realized that the group’s first meeting would be this coming Sunday. I started to tell myself that I was just going to go and observe but I wouldn’t need to share…. That is what I was telling myself. And sure, enough the week before was filled with all the emotions and struggles that so many people find themselves in when they are asking questions “Why did this happen?”, “How do I get out of this funk.”, “I don’t want people to see me broken.” All the questions that we need to stop asking ourselves and saying, I might not be strong right now, but I know that I am going to be OK. The morning came for the Grief Share group to meet, and I woke up having all the feelings and wishing that I could just back out. But my dear husband wasn’t having it and said, let’s go and see what it’s about – it will be Okay.

The 24-minute drive felt like 6 hours, and I wanted to cry, be mad, throw up, go back to bed…I was truly fighting what was to come, but knew that I needed this, I had to stop thinking that I was holding it all together because I was only fooling myself. After parking the car, grabbing some gum, and taking a deep breath we walked into the building. A very kind looking gentleman met us at the door and pointed us down the hallway where we would be meeting. With each step, my legs and feet felt like they had so much weight attached to them but as we approached the room, I started to feel this sense of calm flood over me. The woman who greeted us said she was so glad we were there. As a few more people came into the room we found our seats and took a deep breath because just getting there was half the battle and we made it.

The couple who led the group opened with their own stories and how they have navigated this journey of grief. At one point they said you can share as much or as little as you want, but we encourage you to share. At that point, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I kept telling myself to “stop it.” Isn’t that what so many of us do, push those emotions back because we don’t want to deal with them but trust me when you do it feels amazing. *More on that in a second. The group moved to watch an opening video from those who formed the Grief Share group and others who have gone through it. I no longer can hold all those tears back and I just start to let it all out. I can’t seem to get them to stop but for the first time I felt like it was such a safe space to do this, and no one would look at you and wonder what was wrong with you. After the 20-30 minutes finished it was time for each of us to share the reason why we were there.

Two women went before me and shared such devastating stories and as they got to me, I could hardly get the words out because all the emotions hit me at once. Thankfully my husband shared a little till I could pull myself together and share that for the last six and half years we’ve had the honor to walk with people in our community who have been diagnosed with a life threatening or terminal illness or disease. Many of the people we delivered meals to have passed away from their diagnoses. Each loss is harder than the last for us because it truly puts us face-to-face with death. Over the years we have been with friends and family in some of their hardest moments. I’ve internalized all of it for the last decade and on this early Sunday morning it all came running out and I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want to stop it…

After I shared, I felt this enormous weight off my shoulders, and I could finally breathe because I could verbally say what I’d been feeling for all these years. The woman leading the group looked straight at me and said you have Compassion fatigue and for the first time someone labeled exactly what I haven’t been able to put into words.

There is something in the healing of loss when someone can see you and know exactly what you are feeling. No other words needed to be said at that moment and finally, I could rest knowing that I wasn’t alone. Welcome to the club that no one ever wants to join but so many of us end up needing. We’re sorry that you are here. But you won’t be alone on this journey. I can’t wait till we go back next week.