How Listening Can Improve Your Health and Well-Being

How Listening Can Improve By Annette Januzzi Wick Your Health and Well-Being

By nature, I'm curious. Listening to others share their life experiences is a core strength I developed as a recruiter in the tech industry and refined during my work as a writing coach.

After months in lockdown, while socializing again, I found myself overwhelmed by the speech patterns of friends, neighbors and colleagues who talked in rapid fashion, as if emptying themselves of any story left untold.

The pandemic forced us into facing the computer or sitting on the couch. Our interactions were defined by a flat screen or an equally flat day.

Then, a text arrived from a close friend. She noted how the past 18 months had prompted a desire to connect more with people who listened to her. My youngest sister also phoned. She wanted to discuss our relationship and how we needed to listen to other one with more intent (we're Italian and we typically trip over one another's sentences). What kinds of listening were they referring to, and what happened to us during this time to create such desire to be heard? How can we improve our listening skills for each other — and ourselves?

What Is Listening?

Webster's Dictionary defines listening as paying attention to sound. Here are a few specific types of listening that can benefit us all:

• An active or reflective listening strategy involves trying to understand a speaker's idea, then offering the information back to the speaker to confirm the idea has been understood. These terms arose from the work of Carl Rogers, an eminent psychologist, and his founding of clientcentered therapy, which incorporated a more empathetic approach. For instance, our cognition fades as we grow older and the ability to process language and respond appropriately diminishes.

The National Institute on Aging recommends active or reflective listening when communicating with loved ones, first by making eye contact, which encourages everyone to focus.

Second, slowing the conversation provides ample time for a response.

In the past months, we've all had need to mourn a loss.

Third, minimizing distractions and limiting interruptions keeps the emphasis on the present topic. Giving space to breathe, think and act is empowering in any conversation.

In my writing groups, we also practice this strategy. Writers read their works aloud. After, we echo back a few of the writers' phrases that intrigued us, signaling their words have been heard.

• Deep or comprehensive listening, according to the Center for Spirituality at the University of Minnesota, is the process of listening to learn. We might turn on our music players to enjoy classical notes playing in the background of our lives, but a musician listens to learn. How was that arpeggio played, in ascending or descending order? At the intrapersonal level, deep listening teaches us about ourselves. What are our likes and dislikes? On an interpersonal level, instead of shifting the conversation to ourselves, we listen more consciously to what a colleague, parent, or friend is trying to tell us. Finally, at a group level, we hear about important issues via a collective voice that might not otherwise be articulated by an individual.

My friend, Lisa Burns is active in her small, urban church in northern Kentucky where there is a great need for food, shelter and hope. During the pandemic, she became a vessel into which others poured forth their lives. She had nowhere to empty out her own. On the other hand, my sister, single and working from home in Cleveland, was tired of the baseline screen interactions with colleagues who she once chatted with at the office's proverbial water cooler. They both longed for deep listening in their lives.

• In motivational interviewing, the interviewer asks only open-ended questions and listens carefully to the responses. In the silent spaces, the interviewee reflects on his or her thoughts, considers decision-making patterns more deeply, and possibly expresses an interest in changing their mind or actions. This technique is used often in clinical settings to influence patient behaviors and can equally be applied to current efforts of bridging the political divide, thereby providing a key benefit that arises from these listening sessions. Adam Grant, a Wharton organizational psychologist and author

of "Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know," says, “Don’t try to change someone else’s mind. Instead, help them find their own motivation to change.”

Listening 'Inside This World'

The pandemic forced us into facing the computer or sitting on the couch. Our interactions were defined by a flat screen or an equally flat day. Television shows like "Ted Lasso" and "The Queen's Gambit" were attention-grabbing, but were we paying attention to the sounds around us? My friend Lisa was a gregarious person with plenty of family living nearby. My sister lived alone. How had listening become so critical to both? In the past months, many of us had a need to mourn a loss. We've sought experiences that would deepen or mend any connection that had been severed and longed for the company of someone who could patiently sit in the discomfort of words we needed to say without interjecting with a more gripping story of their own. During Rob Lowe's "Literally" podcast, Oprah Winfrey also reminds us, "A willingness to ask other people what happened to them, opens up an aperture Shopping at a plant nursery this past spring, I asked a clerk to point me toward the pots of lavender. She clapped her hands, excited to talk to someone — about lavender, about anything gardenrelated. "It's been a long winter," she said.

My feet cramped in tennis shoes and my temples throbbed in the early heat. Though not pressed for time, I was tired. Despite my hurry to buy the flowers, I immersed myself in the chat about plants and remembered, "It's not about me." To paraphrase the poet, Mary Oliver, we were born to look, to listen, to lose ourselves inside this soft world.

Here are a few tips to listen and stay engaged:

• Echo someone’s words and let them know they’ve been heard. • Allow space in your conversations to respond to challenging statements. • Be curious. Inquiring about someone else’s life is how we learn about ourselves.

Source: www.nextavenue.org

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Look out for Naked Ladies

When the brutal heat of summer is finally passing and taking the most vibrant garden colors with it, there is a bloom that shines like a Las Vegas showgirl down county roads and in a few lucky gardens. Blooming LYCORIS RADIATA glows like a siren light from a distance, but up close the frilly profusion of petals sticking up gave some sour soul the excuse to call this gorgeous firework bloom the ugly name “SPIDER LILY.” It’s almost like the common name was thought up by the plainer flowers that were bitter jealous and couldn’t stand to admit what a looker LYCORIS RADIATA really is. As a little girl, the much more apt common name stuck in my head “NAKED LADIES”— Now that is a name that captures this attentiongrabbing spectacle that happens every September!

But before you get the impression that these blooms are debauched and difficult, please understand that LYCORIS RADIATA is one of the most modest plants the rest of the year. After the September pageant show is gone and forgotten, some dark green strappy leaves with a thin white stripe come out and make it through the whole winter, disappearing with the summer heat. So, plant these girls anywhere, because you are not mowing, spraying, or weed eating in the winter, and they will grow unmolested during the cool season. This plant behavior leads to the third common name “SURPRISE LILY” which captures one of the most endearing qualities of the flower. The bud jumps up seemingly overnight from bare ground with its neon curling filaments and puts on a peepshow when our gardener’s hearts need it most.

Scientist tagged the flower “LYCORIS RADIATA” indicating radial symmetry of the petals, but just plain “radiant lily” would describe her better. Other common names for this flamboyant gal describe her other properties. “Magic lily”, “equinox lily”, “hurricane lily”, “ditch lily” and “schoolyard lily” are some you might hear.

LYCORIS RADIATA and her sisters have been playing peek-a boo in our Alabama landscapes since they arrived from south Asia in the mid 1800’s with other amaryllis. If you don’t already have some, you are late to this party! Many varieties of lycoris bulbs can be had from online nurseries, but surely, it’s more fun to make friends with a generous gardener that has some to spare. The best way involves finding something in your yard to swap for lycoris bulbs so that the next time you are at dinner party you can work in the question; “Does anyone have extra naked ladies to trade?” Quickly, you can discern who you want to sit by and who you want to avoid.

I’ve moved seven times since leaving Montgomery in 1986 and planted Alabama lycoris bulbs in a half dozen gardens in other states. It’s good to think the “ladies” are putting on the show every September for new audiences. My move back home to Montgomery was a rush, so I couldn’t dig and drag much garden along with me. But leaving lycoris in my Charlotte garden didn’t matter, because the same generous clump I originally dug from in 1986 is still thriving in mother’s garden. The lesson here is that “NAKED LADIES” are tough, enduring, and faithful bloomers. That is why they bring beauty to ditches and pastures as well as manicured borders. These beauty queens do not need petty sashes and tiaras to be recognized for the stunners they are. LYCORIS RADIATA is gorgeous enough to make us pull the car over and stare no matter where they choose to jump up and flash their eyepopping show every September.

Virginia Gregory, an intern in the 2021 Master Gardener Class, lives in Pike Road, AL. For more information on becoming a master gardener, visit www.capcitymga. org or email capcitymga@gmail.com.

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