BCI: EVENT REVIEW

The last wordBCI

Snappy dressers on the greens!

As everyone knows the duty of every native born American Batteryman is to play as much golf as is possible between the hours of daylight during a conference.

Anything less than a full sun-up to sun-down is not just unmanly but a betrayal of the Constitution, the Flag and the Duty of every citizen to bear arms in homes, offices, supermarkets across the nation.

But here is a true story at a BCI meeting in Savannah from our golfing correspondent and wild life photographer. “All the delegates scurried away from the last but one hole on the course,” he said. “They cheated. They were too worried that the alligator (actual photo) would get in the way of their putting that they fled.”

“Mind you, I’d run too if it were going to add a penalty stroke for a drop?

Electrolytes for the thirsty!

Every BCI attendee knows that a late afternoon snifter is de rigueur after a long day on the golf course, or the conference hall. One specially concocted cocktail known as The Dynamic Charger — you never need even mention the word ‘Acceptance’ here — is circulating among high society in Naples. It’s a straightforward recipe:

• Add half bottle dark rum • Mix with half bottle light rum • Add full bottle of vodka • Add ice and chili flakes.

Shake thoroughly and pour into chilled pint glasses. • Serves three. The real battery acid cocktail — true!

1 oz Green Chartreuse, 1 oz Jose Cuervo Especial gold tequila, 1 oz Bacardi 151 rum, 5 drops Tabasco sauce Combine equal ingredients in a shot glass, leaving a little room for a few drops of tabasco sauce. Stir, then down in one. (And probably up in two.)

Dov’è il campo da golf, per favore?

The mounds of golf bags cluttering up airports across the US can now be explained. Various geographically challenged batterymen — yes they are men as they never ask for directions — have sent their clubs to 10 other cities called Naples across the nation — California, Idaho, Illinois, Kentucky, Maine, New York, North Carolina, South Dakota, Texas and Utah. One poor misguided soul was seen wandering the tiny airport at Naples, Florida complete with an Italian phrase book asking the bewildered locals … “dov’è il campo da golf, per favore?”

The last wordBCI

The BCI guide to pandemic greetings

We all know the Twist, the Mashed Potato, the Boogaloo and the Bump. But does the Elbow Bumps in the foyer of the Naples conference hotel really look the right thing to do? We were surprised by the number of people that did and didn’t do this.

What people don’t tell you is that we’re told to sneeze and cough into our elbows so (humming sound) “let’s smear like we did, last summer ...”

The Elbow Bump: Only used by politicians in front of cameras The Fist Bump: Beloved by macho batterymen. No covid germs could survive on my manly fists The Foot Tap: Difficult to do late at night after heavy electrolyte consumption Hand Waving: Increasingly popular but make sure it’s a clear hello not a goodbye The Handshake: I’ve been double jabbed, had Covid and don’t care who I infect The Air Kiss: I like everyone to know I’ve holidayed in Europe The Hug: I’m warm and cuddly but brave too The Surly Nod: Business as usual

Here come the moaners

What is it about battery conferences that bring

out the moaners? We’ve heard whines from attendees at three different conferences — “the palm trees are too high, they don’t give enough shade and I burn easily” … “the sky bar is too high up, it makes me dizzy” … ” Most mortals would give their eye teeth to stay at a hotel like the Naples Grande but what did we hear as we dozed in the foyer? “Why is the floor so shiny, it looks a bit slippery to me”? “What’s that huge capital ‘O’ doing in the middle of the lobby? Is that meant to be art?” And to cap it all? “Why can’t we have the opening reception in the car park like we used to?”

The outing of Dorian Gray Miksad

Mysteries abound at the heart of BCI. And the deepest of them is that of the eternal youth of so-called Roger ‘High School’ Miksad. As battery cognoscenti well know, one of the classics of English literature is a strange tale called The Picture of Dorian Gray — a story where the hero remains locked in the appearance of youth but is elsewhere ravaged by time.

The BCI team — deeply loyal to their youthful leader — said they could stand his apparent youth no longer. “Two days ago Roger had his 42nd birthday and now we’re outing him!” said a loyal co-worker

“He’s enormously experienced, accomplished and a great guy, we want the world to know he’s a man not a fledgeling!”

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