Monday, April 1, 2024 Vol. 133 No. 26.5

MoUnTaiN’s

RocKy

THE OLLEGINA

EDITOR’S NOTE

This edition is satire for April Fools’ Day. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/ semi-fictitious ways. Those who do not read the editor’s notes are subject to being offended. This is a timehonored tradition of the editorial staff, and we hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed making it.

“ L B J ”

BY SLAYDAH MICHAEL CHALKBOARD, 10x20 FEET

Lory Student Center, Suite 118

Fort Collins, CO 80523

This publication is not an official publication of Colorado State University, but is published by an independent corporation using the name ‘The Rocky Mountain Collegian’ pursuant to a license granted by CSU. Approximately 59% of Rocky Mountain Student Media Corp’s income is provided by the Associated Students of Colorado State University (ASCSU) for the purpose of fostering student careers post-college and greater campus awareness and engagement. The Rocky Mountain Collegian is a 4,000-circulation student-run newspaper intended as a public forum and is printed on paper made of 30% post-consumer waste. It publishes every Thursday during the regular fall and spring semesters. The Collegian publishes online Monday through Thursday. Corrections may be submitted to the editor in chief and will be printed as necessary on page two. The Collegian is a complimentary publication for the Fort Collins community. The first copy is free. Additional copies are 25 cents each.

contact us at: copy@collegian.com.

TOP MURDERS

NEWS: CSU campus preacher quits religion for rapping PAGE 4

L&C: New anti-squirrel store opens in response to CSU state of emergency PAGE 6

SCIENCE: Amy Parsons’ private jet emissions outdo Taylor Swift’s PAGE 7

SPORTS: Niko Medved creates basketball players in lab under Moby Arena PAGE 10

OPINION: CSU should insert trackers into students PAGE 12

A&E: Taylor Swift brings Eras Tour to CSU, funds diverted from Clark renovation PAGE 15

PHOTO: The essense of Fort Collins PAGE 11

FUNNNNN!!!

Fort Collins Fyre Festival at Sherwood Forest 4 a.m. April 1

Barrell Museum grand opening at the College Taco Bell house 4 a.m. April 1

Nudist club induction ceromony at the Arboretum 4 a.m. April 1

“This piece is a tribute to former U.S. President Lyndon Bussy Johnson, the best leader this country has ever had. I recently visited Mount Rushmore and was stunned and shocked to find Johnson was not included — a failure that can only be described as a straight-up snub. I knew I had to right that wrong, so I crafted this portrait of my personal hero. In this drawing, my greatest artistic achievement, my magnum opus, I did my best to capture the spirit of American excellency Johnson so beautifully displayed during his presidency. I only wish my mother were still alive so she could see this artwork, as our shared love for LBJ was a cornerstone of our relationship.”

EDITORIAL STAPH INFECTION

Advil Seeker | Supreme Ruler editor@collegian.com

Iguana Secret | Content Managing Editor managingeditor@collegian.com

Emma Ward | Executive Editor copy@collegian.com

Slaydah Michael | Copy Chief copy@collegian.com

Nelly Normandy | Print Director design@collegian.com

Academic Proulxbation | Print Director design@collegian.com

Tin Bonnet | Illustration Director design@collegian.com

Cheddar Jack | Social Media Coordinator socialmedia@collegian.com

Mini Sadstein | Photo Director photo@collegian.com

Geriatric McGee | Photo Director photo@collegian.com

Kyler Wintertax | News Editor news@collegian.com

Honoria Publicae | News Editor news@collegian.com

Genn Dressmann | Science Editor science@collegian.com

Dominant Lee | Opinion Editor letters@collegian.com

Blarrell Dair | Sports Editor sports@collegian.com

Enema Askin | Sports Editor sports@collegian.com

Albert Häagen-Dazs | A&E Editor entertainment@collegian.com

Carmy Aioli | L&C Editor life@collegian.com

ASCSU scraps democracy in favor of astrological decisions

GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION

By Honoria Publicae @hannahparcells

In a move that shocked all 14 of the unaffiliated students who pay attention to student government, the Associated Students of Colorado State University announced they will no longer be operating under the democratic electoral philosophy that has guided their processes since their inception.

ASCSU is particularly well known for their dramatic disagreements, but things have gotten noticeably worse in recent weeks, which is understandable, given that Mercury is in retrograde. This has resulted in a bill that sought to squash the cat-fighting in senate and force senators to actually make decisions via the ever-reliable science of astrology.

Clearly, the very serious and passionate students of ASCSU are fed up because they voted to expedite the legislation and debate it right then and there.

The bill is unlike any put forth in the organization in recent years and calls for the cancelation of the current elections and all elections moving forward; the complete abandonment of the voting process; and the hiring of a professional astrologer to guide their decision-making process. Deliberation went on through Wednesday night and even into Thursday morning.

Finally, when all in attendance were hardly able to keep their

passed with support from many an exhausted senator and will be sent to the president for signature, though he has sworn to veto — a promise entirely unsurprising to anyone familiar with the fact that President Nick DeSalvo is a Libra.

This development is particularly concerning for the ASCSU president given that it would bring an unfortunately immediate end to his ongoing reelection campaign. When asked for his thoughts on the bill, DeSalvo expressed disappointment with the vote to pass.

“I think it’s unfortunate to see such a passionate group lose faith in one of the pillars of our

society,” DeSalvo said. “If the bill does come to my desk, you can be sure I’ll veto it.”

DeSalvo is not the only person for which the stars have decidedly not aligned. His running mate, Chief of Staff Braxton Dietz (Aries); opposing presidential candidates Director of Health Jorja Whyte (Capricorn) and Speaker Pro Tempore Claudia Paraiso (Aquarius); and opposing vice presidential candidates Director of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion Leticia MadrigalTapia (Scorpio) and Speaker of the Senate Ava Ayala (Virgo) are also all currently scrambling

BY ACADEMIC PROULXBATION THE COLLEGINA

astrologer, who will also serve as their official advisor — it’s about time, given they’ve been operating off the rails for months without one.

Paraiso and Dietz released a statement saying, “We are not concerned about the money. Who can put a price on stability?”

It should be noted Dietz is an Aries and Paraiso is a Aquarius, and stability isn’t exactly in those chart descriptions.

Madrigal-Tapia would have commented, but the questions were personal, and as a Scorpio, her mysterious facade is much more important than a silly statement.

What’s most intriguing is the call for the immediate hiring of a professional astrologer. The goal of this is to streamline the decision-making process, submitting to the cosmos and hopefully fixing the internal culture of animosity in the organization (looking at you, Geminis, who make up 54% of the organization).

In classic earth sign fashion, Whyte and Ayala don’t believe in astrology and have threatened to quit should they have to answer to an astrologer. They also voiced concern over diverting funds from an already worrisomely depleted pool of funding. The bill calls for a full salary for the professional

If DeSalvo doesn’t change his mind — Libra men, ugh — and vetoes the bill, it will go back to the senate for an override vote, which several senators have promised is a lock.

If the bill goes through, as it likely will, we can all look forward to our hard-earned student fees being used to fund what appears to be an expensive political horoscope — something The Collegina provides for free. See page 15.

Regardless of how one may feel about astrology and the complete disregard for democratic philosophy, there’s one thing that’s for sure: This election — if it happens at all — is sure to be the most chaotic one yet.

Reach Honoria Publicae at news@collegian.com.

“where my hug at?”

Campus preacher quits religion for rapping

By Ezekiel SoundCloud @_emmasouza

Beelzebub Christensen doesn’t follow God anymore

— he claims his new Bible is Eminem’s “Lose Yourself.”

Christensen’s job as a campus preacher came to an abrupt end last Tuesday.

After 15 years of recruiting Colorado State University

students who exclusively wear suits and lost high schoolers on tours to join the Fort Collins Evangelist Church, Christensen had a different religious awakening.

“I was in the middle of acting possessed by the spirit of Christ — driveling spit, convulsing, you know — to trick these nonbelievers,” Christensen said. “But then I had a real heart attack. They didn’t call for help — no, they just laughed. They thought I was faking that, too, rolling their eyes as I lost consciousness. When I woke up in the hospital, the nurse asked me, ‘What do you do for a living?’ And I had to tell her that I jerk around like a limp noodle, like the spirit of Christ is touching all up on me, to promote some dusty book written forever

ago. That’s when I knew: My life is bullshit.”

Christensen then decided to leave religion behind, trading prayer verses for rap ones.

“Call me Mr. Bethlehem now,” Christensen said. “That’s my rapper name. I’ve decided that I can’t ignore this past part of my life — it follows me everywhere I go. After all, my name is the Devil, / my verses so freakish, / my flow ain’t gentle, / but it makes the ladies geekish.”

Even after leaving his local church, Christensen refused to return his Communion chalice and preacher’s robes, saying he needed them for his most recent music video.

“I put a baby in the robes, holding the chalice, then autotuned its goo’s and ga’s and used them as ad-libs,” Christensen said. “The track title? ‘Nativity Scene.’ You can’t tell me that’s not fire.”

The church didn’t condone Christensen taking these items, however, and told him that refusing to return the chalice and robes would be committing sacrilege.

“They committed sacrilege themselves the minute they hired a man named Beelzebub to preach about the goodness of God,” Christensen said when asked about the church’s statement. “Besides, I’ve committed much worse sacrilege than taking some souvenirs. A couple of months ago, one student offered me a hit of a Blue Razz Puff Bar. That was the first time I actually saw God.”

In his career as a campus preacher, Christensen never fully managed to recruit a student to his church.

“He gave me 20 bucks to join once,” CSU sophomore Chappel Bells said. “I took the money and bought him a pack of cigarettes instead. Man, that guy needs to chill out.”

Once he saw a picture of Christensen’s rapper outfit, though, Bells audibly gasped.

“Oh, my God,” Bells said, pointing at Christensen’s chain of a 24-karat upsidedown cross. “He’s the guy who made ‘Nativity Scene!’”

Reach Ezekiel SoundCloud at news @collegian.com.

GRAPHIC

CSU’s Ram’s Horn Dining Center to expand overseas in Europe

By Carmy Aioli @csucollegian

Ram’s Horn Dining Center is a staple for multiple Colorado State University students who have access to meal swipes, but it doesn’t have much reach outside of that — until recently.

On Nov. 3, 2023, worldfamous English food critic Charles Bisque III visited his son, Charles Bisque IV, at Colorado State University’s campus. Together, they walked around campus, enjoyed the sun on the Intramural Fields and then finally got lunch at Ram’s Horn.

Once they grew hungry for lunch, Charles Bisque III thought it would be humorous

to bring his father to the nearest dining hall to see his reaction to the food, which Charles Bisque III wasn’t a fan of.

“We were so close to a dining hall, and we were both famished,” Charles Bisque III said. “I thought it would be interesting for my father to see where us blokes eat here in the states, innit?”

However, much to Charles Bisque III’s surprise, his father was intrigued by the food.

“I was fully expecting my father to tear apart the food, innit?” Charles Bisque IV said. “I mean, he’s had some of the most exquisite dishes from across the world, bruv. He took one bite of the noodles he had

prepared at the Mongolian Grill and went speechless. Blimey — I thought he was going to get sick, but instead, he cleaned the bowl within five minutes and got up to try the rest, innit?”

Charles Bisque IV said his father got one item of food from each station at the dining hall to try. He also noted that his father was especially impressed with the burgers that had been sitting in the food station window for hours.

“Bloody magnificent — that’s all I have to say about Ram’s Horn,” Charles Bisque IV said. “The spectacular flavors of the chicken tenders and noodles dancing upon my tastebuds was one of the best culinary

experiences I have ever had in my life. Bravo, Ram’s Horn. I’m dead chuffed.”

After returning to London, Charles Bisque III contacted his favorite Michelin star restaurant, Bonne Nourriture, to pitch a grand idea to the head chef, Francois SousVide.

“Once Charles brought Ram’s Horn to my attention, I was immediately fascinated,” SousVide said. “A large food hall with some of the best world food in one area, while keeping the utmost attention to food quality, is something I couldn’t have ever imagined.”

Charles Bisque IV and SousVide funded five restaurants themselves to show Europe the greatness of Ram’s Horn.

They intend to keep the same rotation of food items as served in the Ram’s Horn Dining Center, including cheeseburgers, chicken tenders, pastries and, of course, the Mongolian Grill.

“We anticipate our London, Rome, Munich, Brussels and Prague locations to open jointly about one year from now,” SousVide said. “Charles and I took it upon ourselves to expose Europe to the delicacy that is Ram’s Horn.”

Locations are anticipated to open in early 2025. If you’re studying abroad, keep an eye out: You may have the opportunity to dine at a familiar and delectable spot.

Reach Carmy Aioli at life @collegian.com.

GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY PACK OF KIT KATS THE COLLEGINA

New anti-squirrel store opens in response to CSU state of emergency

By Carmy Aioli @csucollegian

With the rise of squirrels on campus resulting in many medical incidents, with multiple students reporting lacerations after supposedly being mistaken for food, Colorado State University has declared a state of emergency for those traveling around campus.

One business in Fort Collins is ready to take action: Squirrel No More! opened last month on West Elizabeth Street. Their motto is, “Go nuts over our high-quality equipment!”

Arthur Arachide is the store’s owner and provider of all equipment in squirrelhunting needs, including protective chew-proof vests, acorn launchers and human decoys. The shop advocates for all students to be prepared in the event of a squirrelrelated incident.

“I swear, it’s always the ones who think they’re safe

who end up being a victim,” Arachide said. “One day, you’re going to find yourself eating a RAMwich outside of Braiden Hall, and the next thing you know, three squirrels are on you and going crazy over your sandwich. You don’t want that, do you?”

TIN BONNET

In an exclusive interview, Abigail Nutt provided insight into her vicious and scary attack earlier this month.

“It jumped off the roof of Braiden, then landed on the tree above me, then dropped on my head,” Nutt said. “When I woke up, I was in the back of an ambulance.”

Because of the recent incidents, Squirrel No More! will be offering 10% off all items in the store if you have a RamCard.

John Nueces, a sophomore at CSU, plans to take action and begin fighting against the squirrels on campus.

“I stopped by that new shop that opened up to pick up supplies after I heard the state of emergency announcement,” Nueces said. “The squirrels won’t know what hit them. I got a chew-proof vest that will stop them in their tracks.”

When asked about the quality of Squirrel No More! materials a week later, Nueces was unable for comment after being admitted to a local hospital for squirrel-related injuries. A squirrel reportedly burrowed its way into the aforementioned vest and bit the student.

It is speculated that if these incidents keep occurring, CSU will officially declare war on the squirrels.

Lenny Noix, a professor in the journalism and media communication department, expressed his opinion on the matter.

“I’ve seen how they operate — how they prey,” Noix said. “They’re angry little monsters. I suspect once we go into war, Clark C will be a home base of sorts, storing protective equipment, with the Behavioral Sciences Building serving as a battle station. With numerous windows and patios, we’ll have direct line of sight to those beasts. God help us all.”

It is advised by CSU to carry some food in your backpack when traveling campus in case a squirrel begins chasing you. Simply throw the food in an opposite direction to distract the squirrel, and run. It is also advised to stay away from trees and grassy areas on campus at this time.

Reach Carmy Aioli at life @collegian.com.

GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY

THE COLLEGINA

SCAN

Amy Parsons’ private jet emissions outdo Taylor Swift’s

By Iguana Secret @ivysecrest

President Amy Parsons has been largely embraced by the Colorado State University community. Within her first 18 months at the university, she’s represented CSU well, even traveling the world to show off that fighting Ram spirit.

Her wanderlust, however, has come at a cost. A new study from the Department of Women-Hating Environmentalists has found that Parsons’ private jet use has had an environmental impact higher than that of Taylor Swift, the former most notable subject of their research.

“It’s appalling just how much CO2 comes from these frivolous trips,” said Charles

Hippocrates, lead researcher on the study. “Really, it is the only thing stopping us from lowering the global temperature and reversing the effects of climate change. Nothing else will do the job, and they know it.”

Hippocrates was inspired to investigate Parsons after it became clear his department would not be featured on Parsons’ Instagram. Astutely noticing her well-documented trip around the world while scrolling past posts about athletics in envy, Hippocrates began to develop a hypothesis.

He suspected that Parsons was acting against CSU’s value of sustainability by purposefully polluting the planet, potentially making her solely responsible for climate change.

“Parsons’ freakish commonalities with Swift

really brought her to our attention,” Hippocrates’ assistant Miles Males said. “There’s a direct correlation between ‘girlboss’ and mass polluter. She came across as too perfect, and in mass polluters, that’s a key trait.”

Hippocrates and Males were drawn to the department after being politely rejected by their crushes in the third grade. The emotional damage was so great, they dedicated their lives to studying women in power, determined to find a connection to world destruction. Once the department secured funding from ExxonMobil and Monsanto, Hippocrates and Males were able to explore their theory. Through an intensive study of social media posts, instances of fashionable fits

worn and analysis of Parsons’ blondness, the pair was then able to introduce an average of private jet emissions to the data set and removed all accomplishments and qualifications Parsons holds from consideration. Through this scientific method, they were able to determine that Amy Parsons’ 11-day work trip is solely responsible for all carbon emissions ever.

“In a way, it’s a relief,” Males told The Collegina via video call from his second home in Aspen. “It means that all our concerns about oil extraction, capitalism, development, illegal dumping and melting ice caps are totally unfounded.”

The Office of the President responded clarifying that Parsons flew coach with United Airlines using former CSU President Tony Frank’s

miles because, “Who here can afford first class, let alone a freaking private jet?”

However, Hippocrates and Males hold to their findings, calling Parsons’ response “fake news” and a result of her being “PR trained to hell.”

DOWHE disclosure:

DOWHE is funded by Big Oil and Men Against Girlboss Blondes. DOWHE hires exclusively men who have experienced rejection from childhood crushes or have divorced parents, as these traumas are indicators of misunderstood good guys who will save the world by blaming women succeeding in maledominated fields.

Reach Iguana Secret at science@collegian.com.

Psychology undergraduates now required to provide counseling services

By Academic Proulxbation & Gennevieve Dressmann @csucollegian

The department of psychology at Colorado State University has announced today that, amid mental health support staff shortages within the CSU Health Network, all undergraduate psychology students will be required to provide counseling to students if they wish to graduate.

“We just don’t want to spend the money it takes to pay grad students for clinical hours,” said Frigmund Seud, head of the psychology department. “And we promised CSU Athletics more money for tutoring athletes.”

However, many are confused by this announcement, too.

“Aren’t psych students the ones who need therapy the most?” said Suzy Phrenia, a senior civil engineering student at CSU speaking to The Collegina. The psychology department is known to fill its student population with mentally ill high school graduates who want to know why they are messed up. While you may think PSY 100: General Psychology is all the knowledge you’ll need, Phrenia contests this is far from true.

“I quit after one session,” Phrenia said. “The patient started to contemplate the meaning of life, and I left worse off.”

The Collegina confronted Seud about the policy.

“It’s sort of a ‘kill two birds with one stone’ method,” Seud said. “We fill the need for mental health services, and in turn, it is so bad that

fewer students need mental health services than before our program started. We call that a success.”

We reached out to the graduate workers’ union, but the overworked students couldn’t spare time this week for an interview.

Seud reached out to Sarah Noia, dean of the department of human development, and family studies to ask for help with this endeavor.

“Unrelated to what Gen Z says, I was actually too stunned to speak,” Noia said. The HDFS department will not be joining psychology.

“I had a roommate who I’m 99.99% sure was a psychopath,” said Addie H. Dee, a first-year psychology student. “So I know, like, everything about what it’s like to live with a psychopath.”

The undergraduate students seem to have taken

the job title a little too seriously, though.

“I didn’t think I’d get immediate practical clinical experience — it’s only my second semester!” an enthusiastic Dee said.

“No other school has opportunities like this!”

For everyone who is alarmed by first-year students practicing therapy, Bill Polar, a psychology student, offered comforting information on his training.

“None of my friends passed PHIL 110: Logic and Critical Thinking,” Polar said. “But I, like, almost passed, so that seems like a pretty good indication that I’m a deep thinker who has a lot to share with the world.”

The Collegina finally got to interview Polar after getting through Pete Estee, whose sessions tend to run long.

“I can’t wait to share all of the advice I have,” Estee

said. “I love giving advice. Plus, I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety, so I’m perfect for this job.”

Therapists around Fort Collins are preparing for how many people will need to undergo professional therapy after experiencing these student-led sessions.

“I think it will cause longlasting harm to people’s mental health,” said Alberta Bandura, a local therapist. “It will only compound the mental health crisis we have in the area.”

The Collegina asked Seud if the psychology department was pressured into this decision by anybody. But rest at ease: His girlfriend, Bandura, replied for him, stating, “No.”

Reach Academic Proulxbation and Gennevieve Dressmann at science @collegian.com.

KICKER

GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY ACADEMIC PROULXBATION THE COLLEGINA

Recent NCAA softball rule change has players perplexed

By Ye Old Sewage @liv_sewell22

Following the recent doubletouch rule change in NCAA volleyball by the Women’s Volleyball Rules Committee, NCAA softball has announced a rule change of its own.

Soon enough, softball players will be running with their bats, reminiscent of softball’s English cousin, cricket. Because of this, Colorado State softball players will need to acclimate to the sport’s vast change.

“I’m not really sure why the NCAA decided to change the rules,” softball player Hayley Baseman said. “I think the change is entirely unfounded. This will change how we bat and how players look at the game.”

However, CSU softball is not new to controversy. Last year, reporter Emma Aspirin

discovered a secret bunker underneath their field. This year, the team’s continued success playing at home is on the minds of rule-makers and fans alike.

“I think the NCAA is trying to suppress the success of CSU softball,” Baseman said. “The team is a powerhouse at home, and we only recently broke our undefeated home streak. Maybe they think carrying bats will make runs harder; I’m not sure. It’s suspicious for sure. Rule changes like this aren’t made out of the blue.”

As March Madness comes to a close and outdoor track ramps up, athletes are banding together to keep the sanctity of the rules.

Athletes from opposing sports like track, swimming and basketball started campaigning against the NCAA to keep their sports the way they want them at a

protest down College Avenue April 1.

“Soon enough, we’ll be required to wear clown shoes in order to keep the court fair,” basketball player Isaiah Medved said. “It’s just ridiculous. Our sports should not be at the whim of the rules committee. This is like if the journalism rules at the Associated Press changed every year.”

The campaign is composed of protests and ad campaigns against the NCAA.

Signs said things like, “My sport, my choice,” and, “Hands off my bat!”

“I’m so impressed with the turnout,” student-athlete Anita Bribe said. “These protests show how many of us care about this issue. Athletes are by far the group facing the most discrimination on this campus, and we need to band together against those

willing to change the rules without notice.”

Because of the massive turnout, the protest soon turned into a riot of colossal proportions, with athletes climbing on vehicles and burning local storefronts.

The rioters soon made their way toward the Colorado state Capitol, walking 58 miles on Interstate 25 and leaving havoc along their path.

When the rioters arrived at the Capitol building, senators could be seen running out, screaming to reverse the rule change.

“They deserve what’s coming for them,” Baseman said. “Don’t mess with student-athletes, or you’ll get the smoke.”

After the dust settled and the riot diminished, only three redshirt freshmen remained, all scrambling to try to prove themselves in order to earn playing time.

All other remaining studentathletes were left standing in the aftermath, questioning the future of college athletics.

Many of them have started with bets on which sport is next, pulling from the money gained through name, image and likeness deals.

“I think it’s going to be track and field,” Bribe said.

“Because the Mountain West men’s and women’s indoor track and field champs were both CSU and Mya Lesnar was named the Mountain West Women’s Female Athlete of the Year, it seems like the next course of action for the NCAA. But who knows — they could change rules in the middle of March Madness.”

After all, who knows what sport could be next?

Reach Ye Olde Sewage at sports@collegian.com.

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY NELLY NORMANDY THE COLLEGINA

GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY HONORIA

Headline, no bigger than 40pts, no smaller than 25

Niko Medved creates basketball players in lab under Moby Arena

By Blarrell Dair @dwcook2001

It’s no secret coach Niko Medved is a mad scientist on the court.

But what has been a longkept secret in the Colorado State men’s basketball program has now finally come to light.

Super secret sources have revealed that Medved is actually bringing basketball to life in Fort Collins — not in a fun way but in a Victor

Frankenstein way.

After all, that is the only possible explanation for the recent success CSU men’s basketball has had.

While Medved has evaded getting caught for his six years as the coach of CSU, anonymous sources have confirmed that Rashaan Mbemba is his latest creation, and it’s clear that David Roddy was on his mind during the procedure.

The 6-foot-7-inch forward supposedly from Vienna

Your mom’s house March 12. PHOTO BY ACADEMIC PROULXBATION THE COLLEGINA

just appeared one day. While nothing could be confirmed until now, the source has made it clear he came from a lab.

“Deep under Moby Arena lies an underground facility where Medved has been creating nextlevel athletes to turn CSU basketball into a premier program,” sources told The Collegina.

Medved seems to be taking “being in the lab” to another level.

The Collegina tried to reach out to the team but were told it was a preposterous idea that Medved could create players in a lab.

A groundskeeper acted confused when asked about the underground facility, which confirms the entirety of CSU Athletics is in on it.

The similarity in looks

between Mbemba and Roddy is undeniable, and it’s certainly only a matter of time until Mbemba elevates to the All-American level of play Roddy showcased.

Beatrice Karazy, an expert on the undead, said that despite CSU’s denial, this is likely the only explanation.

“A lot of people have called me crazy — I’ve even been institutionalized a time or two — but what you’re saying makes total sense to me,” Karazy said. “The undead walk among us every day, and I’m glad someone is finally covering this story. I can almost guarantee that CSU is creating their players.”

While unconventional, this begs the question: Is it illegal?

Refinald Paint, a representative of the NCAA rules committee, said it’s not.

“What a stupid question,” Paint said. “I guess, in theory, it would be illegal, but you can’t possibly believe that’s happening, can you?”

To answer his question: Yes.

With the suspicions of

Medved’s actions confirmed through multiple sources, The Collegina reached out to two of the schools he had coached at prior to CSU: Furman and Drake.

While both schools refused to comment on the matter, citing it was a waste of their times and resources — likely confirming Medved has been doing this throughout his entire coaching tenure — The Collegina was able to interview one of Medved’s former players, who agreed to talk if he was able to remain anonymous.

“Nah, nah, nah, that is totally something that is happening,” the player told The Collegina. “You’re writing a story about this? Yeah, no, you definitely should publish it. One hundred percent totally happening.”

As the future of CSU men’s basketball hangs in the balance, one thing is for certain: Medved’s magic comes from so much more than just the team’s on-court performance.

Reach Blarrell Dair at sports @collegian.com.

FALYN SEBASTIAN

The essence of Fort Collins

ALL PHOTOS BY GERIATRIC MCGEE

Hospitality management student Donkey Kong (above) and engineering student Mario (below) protest high tuition fees at the Colorado State University Administration Building March 16. “Itsa too expensive at this school,” Mario said. “Me can’t afford my pipes or my spaghetti.”

Blucifer relieves himself in The Lagoon outside the Lory Student Center March 4. The famous horse’s piss is known for its miraculous healing properties. Two weeks after this photo was taken, all of the ducks and fish in the Lagoon achieved immortality.

Buc-ee the Ram points in a threatening manner March 18. Researchers from the Colorado State University department of animal sciences experimented with DNA from Buc-ee the Beaver and CAM the Ram in an attempt to create a mascot capable of physically eviscerating 16 bison at once. Buc-ee the Ram was the result.

A large lizard monster wades in Horsetooth Reservoir March 22. Though resembling Godzilla, the lizard was actually a Rho Omicron Alpha Rho brother who fell off his boat and transformed after smoking Green Kush while using Mountain Dew as bong water. The brother, a Colorado State University business major, has not been seen since he ate three paddleboarders and subsequently disappeared into Horsetooth’s depths.

Denverite Blue Bear peers through the window of an Allison Hall dorm during a spring break dorm check March 9. Allison’s residential assistants hired Blue Bear to help with their rounds. Residents who did not leave their dorms in an acceptable state were absorbed by Blue Bear’s essence when they returned from their spring break.

WALKER

CSU should insert trackers into students

By Dominant Lee @caffeinateddee6

Congratulations! You have signed your enrollment papers with Colorado State University and are ready for the next step: the insertion of a tracker into your neck. It’s the perfect way for your new home to keep tabs on where you are at all times and help your instructors know if you really skipped their class because you had a doctor’s appointment or if you just slept in.

Now, I know what you might be thinking:

This is the strangest, biggest violation of college students’ privacy ever — but, more importantly, it is the best solution to every professor’s question, “Why are none of my students showing up to class?”

Professors can try to create as many bizarre attendance policies as possible for students to affect their grade when they don’t show up to class, but how can they trust the number of dead grandmas cited in the emails they receive? The best way to enforce attendance policies and regulations is at the administrative level.

that they can continue their work independently.

Now, I recognize that this might not be fair to all Rams, but most students don’t have the pressure of covering breaking news getting in the way of their academic endeavors, so they should have to come up with adequate excuses for missing class.

I know you may be thinking you could just remove the tracker and plant it on campus or destroy it, but that won’t work. You see, when CSU inserts these trackers into students, not only will they be inserting them into the neck, but the trackers will also spawn mini trackers throughout the blood stream that are programmed to lodge themselves into vital organs with a life span of approximately four years. So without major surgery, there isn’t a viable way to get rid of the tracker for the rest of students’ lives — or until they get their diploma.

Therefore, the moment a student enrolls at CSU, there should be a tracker inserted into them. This is a tracker that will

until the moment you receive your diploma — unless you don’t. This way, students can be properly reprimanded for not making it to the classes they were supposed to be in, and attendance policies can truly be enforced.

This will only really apply to students who aren’t a part of Rocky Mountain Student Media

company would really like for all major events to be covered without students being reprimanded. So from the moment a journalism student completes their RMSMC training, a student from the Veterinary Teaching Hospital will physically remove their tracker with just a local anesthetic so

There is no better way to fix attendance policies than to make sure all students are properly tracked and located to determine the real reason they missed their class. I think it will really make them think twice before they skip class again.

Reach Dominant Lee at letters@collegian.com.

COLLEGINA FILE PHOTO

5 baby names so good that you’ll time travel to make your parents rename you at birth and also slap them for naming you something as uncool, lame and stupid as your current name in the 1st place, like, what the heck does Caden even mean

By Slaydah Michael @mcadahmillan

Like, for real, start studying “Back to the Future” right now. These word names are no joke. When you’re done reading this list, you will want to tear up your own birth certificate, so be sure to make a few copies and have your friends hide them from you before you proceed.

If you’re not smart enough to build a time machine — oof, couldn’t be me — or too lazy to do all the paperwork required for a name change, just save these for your future children.

1. Heptathlon

A heptathlon is a women’s track and field contest in which each competitor completes the same seven events, which inspired some of the cute nicknames I listed below.

If you are or someday produce a baby girl, this name will bestow upon you or her a legacy of powerful womanhood. If you have a set of girl-and-boy twins, pair Heptathlon with Decathlon, which is the corresponding men’s track and field event. If you’re not a huge fan of the gender binary, I recommend Discus or Marathon.

Potential nicknames: Javelin, Shot Put, Hurdle, Dash, Hepatitis, Thlon, Timothlon Chalamet

2. Tomatometer

Do you want to raise a child with a profound understanding of film? Do you want to promote media literacy in the next generation? Look no further than Tomatometer.

This name is also a great tool for discipline, putting a twist on traditional child shaming tactics — because who gives a crap about gentle parenting? Instead of saying, “(Lame name), let’s use our nice words,” try, “Tomatometer, I’m giving that interaction a 46%. If you get any more rotten, you’re getting a timeout in the dumpster.”

Potential nicknames: Tomato, Tom, Boo, Hiss, Certified Fresh, Tomatothée Chalamet

3. Bulletin

To succeed in the modern world, you need to be organized, communicative and an alpha male. Bulletin captures all of these characteristics.

Naming your child Bulletin will inspire them to reveal their needs and ambitions in a systematic manner, and because Bulletin has the word “bull” in it and bulls are really

good at goring people, no one will tease your kid for being really into their Cricut.

Potential nicknames:

Tintin, Corkboard, Stapler, Thumbtack, Red Bull Gives You Wings, Bulletinothée Chalamet

4. Jaundice

Taking inspiration from John and Candace, Jaundice is the ultimate unisex name.

It’s also a medical condition: “Infant jaundice is yellow discoloration of a newborn baby’s skin and eyes,” according to the Mayo Clinic. It’s very common, so chances are this name can be a sweet reminder of your child’s first moments in life.

Potential nicknames: Johnny, Diss, Lemon, Bilirubin,

Old Yeller, Timothée “Jaundice” Chalamet

5. 501(c)(3)

For those of us who don’t work for the IRS or a nonprofit, 501(c)(3) is a tax status that makes charitable organizations exempt from taxes.

The name Charity is more traditional but, in my opinion, pretty performative. People who actually care about good causes should be more specific, and you can’t get more specific than 501(c)(3).

Potential nicknames: Nonprofit, 50onesie(3), Habitat for Humanity, PETA, Make-AWish, Timo501(c)(3) Chalamet Reach Slaydah Michael at letters@collegian.com.

GRAPHIC

Bondi Beach Bar announces bold new marketing strategy

By Brandy Alexander @sophie_masia

Bondi Beach Bar & Grill is one of — if not the most — hated drinking spot in Fort Collins, but owner Moe Hito hopes to change that by installing a real beach in Old Town Square, offering patrons an authentic beach bar experience.

Bondi has a plethora of issues, from bathroom stalls that don’t lock to watereddown and overpriced drinks, causing bargoers to opt for other venues and ultimately leading to a decline in foot traffic and revenue for the bar.

“I’ll go to Bondi, but it’s the last resort,” CSU student Day Keery said. “I’ll only go when Rec Room’s and Lucky Joe’s

The Crusades Being high at work, but definitely not at The Collegina Your wife’s affair partner, Buc-ee the Beaver Your affair partner, The Hat Man

Straight people

The “Dune” sandworm not matching with me on Tinder

That funky feeling you get in your head after you monch on Clorox Disinfecting Wipes

Custody battles when your wife is winning

lines are too long. The dance floor is too small, so I end up getting pushed. The music is too loud to have a conversation, and one time, they filled the water cooler with Panera Charged Lemonade without telling anyone.”

In response to Bondi’s unfavorable reputation as the worst bar in Fort Collins, Hito has finally decided to address these issues in hopes of reigniting the bar’s popularity, starting with the phony tropical theme.

“Bondi may be a bit of a mess, but she’s our mess,” Hito said. “I think if students were able to fully immerse themselves into the vibes that we’re trying to curate, they wouldn’t care that we fill our alcohol bottles with half water or haven’t mopped the floors since 2021.”

After gaining overwhelming approval from the City of Fort Collins, construction of the beach began immediately, completely funded by Larimer County taxpayers. Reviews from the community have been mixed as opening day approaches.

“Aside from the fact that this is a really bad idea in general, I really don’t think this is Bondi’s biggest problem,” said Margot Rita, sheriff of the Fun Police. “Maybe start with some more chairs so people aren’t kicked out to make room.”

Other members of the community have been more than receptive to the news, with lines of tents already beginning to form as fans camp out for the opening.

“I have been saying this is what Bondi needs for years,” said Man Hattan, a staunch Bondi defender. “Sure, other places might have toilet paper in the bathrooms and

bartenders who don’t do drugs behind the counter, but who cares about that? Nowhere else has a real beach.”

The 30-by-40-foot beach will be fully functional April 1, complete with over 60,000 pounds of sand, 9,000 gallons of salt water and one 13-footlong great white shark all the way from Bondi Beach in Sydney, Australia — the place the bar is named after.

“I’m fine with the shark,” CSU wildlife specialist Wes Key said. “I see no problem with it and totally think the beach should stay. I just wish they would do something about the other issues with Bondi, like the bouncer who threw my wife out because she gave him the ick.”

In response to this, Hito will be doing a raffle for one lucky patron to name the great white that will live full time in front of the bar.

Reach Brandy Alexander at entertainment @collegian.com.

OVERHEARD IN THE GROUP CHAT

“I prostituted my body medically to be here today.”

“Don’t discredit my imaginary penis like that.”

“Who did your taxes fuck today?”

Knowing climate change isn’t your problem

Carcinization

The taste of Clorox Disinfecting Wipes

Your mom last night

“The Pope is in my DMs, and he says you’re being a bitch.”

“I’ll charmander her vulvasaur until she squirtle.”

“Please use gender-inclusive language when you’re talking about whores.”

Taylor Swift brings Eras Tour to CSU, funds diverted from Clark renovation

By Advil Seeker @allie_seibel_

International pop sensation Taylor Swift recently announced she is bringing her groundbreaking The Eras Tour concert to Canvas Stadium at Colorado State University.

The concert, which was announced for May 8, will see Swift downgrading in size from playing for 96,000 people in Melbourne to playing for 41,000 lucky Rams and other Swifties.

Since the announcement, The Collegina has confirmed that the $2.5 million allocated to the event for Swift’s contract — outfitting the Canvas Stadium for the concert and including advertising and production expenses — was initially supposed to be put toward renovating the C wing of the Andrew G. Clark Building, which is currently pausing renovation.

“When we were weighing our options, we really looked toward the future of what we want to see for CSU,” said Betty Karman, CSU spokesperson.

“And in the end, we decided that the publicity and revenue Swift will bring to CSU will far outweigh the benefits of renovating Clark in terms

WEEKLY HOROSCOPE

By Aria Bloom

TODAY’S BIRTHDAY (04/01/24)

ARIES (MARCH 21 - APRIL 19)

Uh oh, Aries! This week does not seem to be on your side! Be careful on your way to the Rec Center, as mischievous squirrels may be lurking around, ready to steal your workout equipment! But hey, laughter is the best medicine, so feel free to find a bit of humor in this situation!.

TAURUS (APRIL 20 - MAY 20)

of attracting prospective students. We have a returnon-investment plan and hope to resume renovations on Clark by 2027.”

Karman confirmed that the revenue generated from Swift’s tour will first be used to re-outfit the Lory Student Center and Canvas Stadium before contributing to Clark.

In an exclusive interview, Swift said that while CSU was not the school that offered her the most money, CSU’s world-class veterinary program for her three cats, Benjamin, Olivia and Meredith, is what swayed her to bring her tour to Canvas Stadium.

“My cats are my biggest supporters when I’m on the road,” Swift said in a phone interview. “I always have them in the VIP tent with other family members during shows, and their care is of the utmost importance to me.”

Benjamin, Olivia and Meredith will make a ceremonial visit to the CSU Veterinary Teaching Hospital with Swift May 7. The event is ticketed and restricted to university administrators only, although enthusiastic students are planning to line up on West Drake Road to catch a glimpse of the animal celebrities.

Tickets for the one-nightonly show are expressly forbidden for resale. Students interested in obtaining VIP tickets must enter a Hunger Games-style lottery system, with two winners being drawn from each department weekly and then fighting each other to the death. Each member of the CSU administration, athletic leadership and CSU System Board of Governors is invited to attend at no cost.

For community fans, a select number of tickets will be distributed around Fort Collins in locations corresponding with Easter eggs recognizable by true Swifties.

“Honestly, I’m taking my chances trying to find a ticket,” said Willow Carolina, a first-year exploratory studies student who The Collegina found wearing a The Eras Tour sweatshirt, The Eras Tour sweatpants, a Taylor Swift ball cap and a pair of 2006 Taylor Swift Keds and making friendship bracelets on South College Avenue. “I’m hoping there’s some connection between College Avenue and Cornelia Street.”

Other Swifties are hopeful the CSU stop will finally be where Swift decides to announce the highly anticipated album “Reputation

(Taylor’s Version).”

“I haven’t slept in weeks,” said Daisy Clyde, a senior zoology student focusing on reptilian sciences. “I just know that CSU is where she’ll announce Rep. Our school color is green — the same color as The Eras Tour wristbands during the Reputation set — and the date, May 8, adds to 13. She’s such a genius.”

The Collegina intends to cover the concert but was informed that our press pass was given instead to CAM the Ram for floor-seat access on the field.

Reah Advil Seeker at entertainment@collegian.com.

Hey there, Taurus! I advise you to stay out of cooking and baking this week! You could end up burning your cookies and everything you make!

I know this is unfortunate, but fear not! Embrace the chaos because we all know you thrive when life throws unexpected challenges your way!

GEMINI (MAY 21 - JUNE 20)

Did you accidentally wear your shirt inside out today, Gemini? Well, consider this as a sneak peek of the cosmic chaos headed your way this week! Wardrobe malfunctions will be a common theme you’ll experience! From mismatched socks to backward buttons, the universe has you shaking up your style! But don’t worry, you’ll still look pretty cool!

CANCER (JUNE 21 - JULY 22)

Tarot card: Ten of Crystals

Hey, Cancer! As bizarre as it sounds, rumor has it that you might stumble across an abandoned UFO this week!

Apparently, the aliens have been planning to fire it up, sing campfire songs and roast marshmallows! You are welcome to join them if you wish!

LEO (JULY 23 - AUG. 22)

A leprechaun is on its way to you this week, making life a little weird! Don’t be surprised if you find your morning cup of coffee transforming into a cup of confetti and your routine taking an unexpected detour! Leprechauns are usually supposed to bring you some laughter, so it’s good you’ll be able to find the light in it all, Leo!

VIRGO (AUG. 23 - SEPT. 22) You are observant and good at spotting things! If you decide to go on a hike this week, you may just catch a glimpse of a sasquatch in the wild! I’d try to take a photo! But beware, Virgo, as sasquatches are known for their mischievous nature!

LIBRA (SEPT. 23 - OCT. 22)

You love debating, Libra, and believe in the fundamentals

of communication! I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Mercury, the planet of communication, is leaving the chat this week! Prepare for your worst nightmare: losing arguments!

SCORPIO (OCT. 23 - NOV. 21)

Have you ever seen a scorpion in real life, Scorpio? Don’t be startled if one decides to hop on your shoulder and starts to tag along with you! It just wants to be your friend — I promise!

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22DEC. 21)

TBe careful with your elbows this week, Sagittarius! Your funny bones are extra sensitive at this time! A slight tap could cause you to experience fits of uncontrollable

laughter!

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22JAN. 19)

Remember that pet rock you made when you were about 7 years old, Capricorn? Well, get ready because it’s going to reappear in your life again this week! Take it for a stroll, and give it some love! It’s been so long since it last saw you!

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 - FEB. 18)

I know this is an unusual prediction, Aquarius, but you are destined to sit on a whoopee cushion this week! Whether it’s at home, work or out in public, keep your eyes wide open, and inspect every seat! Don’t hesitate to ask others for assistance!

PISCES (FEB. 19 - MARCH 20)

The start of this week is particularly strange, Pisces! Brace yourself for a surprise! Rumor has it that a secret admirer of yours is planning to serenade you with a kazoo band right in front of your peers! How romantic!

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY IGUANA SECRET THE COLLEGINA