The Abstract Painting of Loneliness

Hallie Hannum

Ithink of loneliness as an abstract painting. There are so many colors and lines and details and feelings. Abstract paintings are all different: some are detailed in the ways of intricate lines or tiny dots, some are not so detailed with just a few strokes across a canvas, some are in the middle sitting balanced on a wall between detail and vastness. Abstract paintings can often be viewed as somewhat chaotic in terms of their overview and vision. That’s what loneliness feels like. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely; however, it walks a very fine line. Being alone can often be comforting in times when you need it, after a long day, or when you’re tired. Being lonely is an array of colors across the canvas of your brain. Some are bright, some are dark, some are detailed, some are not, and sometimes there are not any colors at all: there are just scratched lines. Abstract is defined as existing in thought or as an idea but not having a physical or concrete existence. Some think of the metaphysical, conceptual, theoretical, and so on.

Loneliness isn’t a physical abstract, it’s abstract on your mind, on your heart, on your being. Loneliness is deep and rooted and messy and confusing, just like an abstract painting can be. We all are lonely at some point in our lives, some longer than others, some harder than others, and unfortunately, some never fully make it through. Loneliness feels like walking through a forest on a rainy, foggy day where you can’t quite see where you’re going but you’re just trying to make it through, come out on the other side into the sunlight, find that new dawn; that horizon. But you can’t. At least not for a while. You just simply wander, searching and searching for the next step, the next clue, the next hope. Abstract paintings are meant to make you feel something, and loneliness is feeling everything and nothing at all at the same time. Loneliness comes in so many different colors. It’s numb, sad, nostalgic, comfortable, and angry. It’s bitterness, resentment, acceptance, reassurance, disappointment, and confusion. It’s being in a room overflowing with people, yet being the only soul there and having to live through it every minute of every day. It’s sitting by while everyone continues to live their lives whether you’re in it or not, and it doesn’t matter if you’re in their life because they don’t notice anyways. It’s watching friends around you make plans sitting not even a few feet away but still not at all thinking to even give an invite. It’s watching everyone around have fun and make memories and be happy and enjoy each other while you’re still waiting for your turn because, God forbid, you try to interrupt or put yourself in because that feels even worse like you don’t belong or weren’t wanted. It’s sitting in your room silently on the floor, crying, wishing to God that this would just end, for God’s sake please just let it end. numb.trapped.loneliness.tired.numb.trapped.loneliness.tired.numb.trapped.loneliness.tired.numb.trapped.loneliness.tired.

It’s being tired.

It’s being numb. It’s being trapped. It’s an abstract painting of loneliness.

Kohanna McCrary

Ellie Rose’s story is one of a true musician: a story I’ve always wanted to tell, and one that deserves to be shared. Her narrative highlights the way that music and positive mental health go hand in hand with one another.

REVEAL aims to bring awareness to mental health for all affected groups, and musicians have a particularly special relationship.

Ellie Rose Killinger found her love for music at a very young age. Inspired by her father’s love for piano, she listened to him play melodies by artists such as Ray Charles, Frank Sinatra, and Ben Crosby throughout the house during her childhood. At five years old, she begged her mom for violin lessons, became classically trained, and furthered her musical education in classical piano at age six. Later in her musical career, Ellie Rose found her niche and focused on songwriting. Music for Ellie was not just a hobby, but a tool. She began volunteering at, A Place to Be, an amazing company dedicated to music therapy for individuals in need of mental health support. Here, Ellie realized that music was a way for her to connect with others. “That’s when I started opening up about my music, I wasn’t scared to share it anymore,” Rose shared. She continued, “It was a pivotal moment. Growing up a relatively shy kid, I lost a lot of social anxiety I had dealt with for years when this happened. I’ll make conversations with people in the drivethrough, the cashier at the grocery store - I became super outgoing,” Ellie Rose shared.

Ellie began booking gigs, beginning at her local coffeehouse, Common Grounds, and further attained leadership roles in her high school’s musical theater. “Then I got diagnosed with Neuro-Psychiatric Lupus,” said Ellie Rose. This form of Lupus is a more severe strain, attacking the central nervous system. “I started chemotherapy in February of 2021 and when Covid-19 hit in March, I was on lockdown. I couldn’t leave the house, my family couldn’t leave, and we had to be incredibly careful. I felt isolated” Ellie stated, remembering this time. Music was not just a tool for connection anymore; it was a tool to curate and sustain positive mental health. “I turned to my music, it was a way for me to process what was happening, and it became a therapeutic outlet,” Ellie Rose shared. “As I started to heal mentally I got into a more accepting place when facing my situation. I started using my music to connect with others again while using it to connect with myself as well,” stated Ellie Rose. She began teaching music lessons at local pre-schools. She would use Zoom to join the preschool classes and play guitar while they would all sing. Together, they were developing creative and healthy outlets.

Throughout this growth, Ellie Rose kept an unwavering commitment to education, leading her to attend Bryn Mawr College, part of the esteemed Seven Sisters group. These historically women’s colleges were established to provide the same caliber of education as prestigious Ivy League Institutions. Ellie Rose has released four singles and a successful EP including “Delaney’s Song” dedicated to her best friend. Delaney passed away from pediatric cancer, and Ellie Rose performs each year at Curefest at the National Mall with hopes of raising awareness and funding for pediatric cancer. Ellie Rose also began her own non-profit, Ellie Rose Strong, which is dedicated to donating 100% of profits, either to Lupus research organizations working to find a cure or to others who have chronic illnesses.

Ellie Rose Killinger, an incredible musician, childhood friend, creative soul, and inspiration to all, is a messenger of the unity between music and positive mental health.