Forever Fighting the Tides

Hallie Hannum

We all have moments or periods of time in our lives when we feel as though we are trying to fight against the currents of daily life and times when we simply cannot keep our heads above water in order to perform through life the way everyone else is able to. Everyone has experiences like that. As a college student with ADHD, that feeling is my everyday struggle as I walk through life. I only got officially diagnosed with ADHD on April 18th, 2022, but I have dealt with the symptoms and challenges that come with the disability since I was a child.

As a kid, I was very energetic and hyperactive with my personality. I was often the “hyper kid”, but it was never a title that hurt, in fact, I often called myself “the hyper one.” I took an almost prideful outlook on being the energetic one of my friends since no one minded and even seemed to like that aspect of my character. I never had an issue with the way that I acted until my friends and I began growing older and reaching our late elementary school years and going into middle school. Middle school changed my mental health and outlook on myself.

I began to realize that many people didn’t appreciate the energy that I often brought to the table in my hyperactive way, and that cut deeply into me as a kid, especially from the people who used to enjoy my energy previously. I began to be excluded from my group of friends, many of whom I had grown up with. I was quickly thrown into the vast, empty feeling of isolation that only grew worse as those years trudged on. I became extremely reserved during that time and had a very poor outlook on myself and the world of people around me. Something that I’m even still working on today. I went through a large depressive time that lasted up into my sophomore year of high school. As a person with ADHD, rejection is something that cuts extremely deeply, and often, I feel like a part of myself is simply not right and needs to be carved out in order to find people who will like me.

Rejection Sensitivity (RS) is a normal part of life; every person is going to feel that ache that comes with rejection from peers and others around them. But with ADHD, those feelings are more intensified compared to the average neurotypical person, and many people with ADHD experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Though RS and RSD have the same symptoms and effects, the main difference comes down to emotional dysregulation which ADHD causes a large struggle with. Emotional dysregulation is exactly what it sounds like, an inability to properly regulate the emotions that we experience. Although it is not an official symptom in diagnostic criteria, about 70% of people with ADHD are estimated to experience and struggle with emotional dysregulation. Normally I handle emotions alright, but I don’t always handle them in a healthy way, more often than not, I simply push them to the side to deal with later, or sometimes not at all, instead of addressing them straight on. As well as this, comorbidity is also very common in ADHD; people often deal with other disorders such as depression, BPD, anxiety, and OCD just to name a few.

Social relationships can be challenging for people with ADHD since many of our traits can be complicated for people to understand or are things people don’t want to deal with such as impulsivity, hyperactivity, forgetfulness, and distractibility. My everyday thoughts when I’m with groups of peers in classes, clubs, and beyond often consist of constantly monitoring what I’m saying, how I’m acting, and what I’m doing to make sure I’m not acting in a way that would make people dislike me. This is also what’s called “masking.” I still struggle with the image of myself and what others think of me to the point where I don’t always let my true personality show or when I do, I immediately feel embarrassed or ashamed about whether someone has said anything or looked annoyed.

Personally, ADHD is extremely exhausting at times and has made me feel inferior to others in many aspects over the years: in academics, social life, and even in my own head. I’m always second-guessing myself, doubting my own abilities, and wondering if I’ll succeed in every aspect of life. But being able to finally put a name to why I act and am the way I am has been life-changing so far. For years I simply thought I wasn’t good enough, that I was lazy, or that I wasn’t someone who could be in social relationships the way everyone else could. But now I’m working on changing the way I view myself and the way I view the world around me. I still struggle with all these issues, and every day I’m working towards making myself better and attempting to turn the way I’ve viewed myself around. I do have the capability to have friends, I am allowed to act the way I want, and I should be able to feel like I have a place in the world without needing to hide the parts that make up who I am. I’m still working on truly believing that every day, but I am getting better with every step that I take.