Avoid Disappointment and Future Regret by Robbi and Matthew

AVOID DISAPPOINTMENT AND FUTURE REGRET

Idiots’Books Volume XXXII

Idiots’Books

AVOID DISAPPOINTMENT AND FUTURE REGRET

By Matthew Swanson Illustrated by Robbi Behr

This book is dedicated to Samuel Smiles

YOU?

99%

49%

51%

}

HAPPY?

happiness grim reality

HAPPINESS

}

HAPPY?

12am

6am

12pm

6pm

quantifying happiness

12am

At the outset, let us ask, what is happiness? And what does it mean to be happy? Is happiness best measured by acquisition of material comforts, attainment of rank or distinction, by having a special relationship with oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s god? The wonderful thing about happiness is that we get to decide for ourselves. Some find joy in admiring the sunrise. Others are delighted by a 12-car pileup. But whatever your definition of happiness, we contend that you can, at least, have more of it than you do now. A perfectly happy person does not exist. At least, not yet.

READ ON. Avoid Disappointment and Future Regret

A Brief History of Happiness Early man lived in a comfortable cave

wearing nothing but sumptuous furs. His worth was measured by the length of his spear and the size of the bone through his nose. He went about his simple life without a care, clubbing hapless animals, feasting on their uncooked flesh, and producing offspring to care for him when he was old. His course was clear. His world was largely black and white. His mind was seldom taxed. He was, in a word, happy. In the current age, we are forced to think more often than nature intended as a means of getting the things we want. Today, the things we want are trapped behind glass in stores or married to other people. Where once we were content to hit and kick and scratch and

pound our chests to satisfy our needs, we must now submit to a host of unwritten codesâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; rules that shackle and contain us, bending us awkwardly into uncomfortable conditions of civility. History has witnessed a steady progression from sating our fundamental needs to finding contentment in mere contemplation. This tension rules everything about our lives. There are only two solutions: stop wanting or build intricate castles of delusion. This book will address the latter course. The former is impossible. in conclusion: To be is to want.To want is to

be.To be is awfully hard.

it has never been harder to be happy 6

CHILDREN

success

fame

material religion possessions

pleasure

money

POWER

ignorance

Roads to Happiness Happiness is t he one true aim of all actions and pursuits. Why do you pick a flower? To revel in its beauty as the bright sun shines above. You’re happy for a moment. Enjoy it while you can. Soon the petals wither and the angry sky grows dark.You get wet and resentful as your happiness dissolves. Which is to say: all happiness is fleeting. Accept this now, and don’t forget. But to find happiness more often and have it last longer, you might want to understand the many roads that lead you there.

Children bring a kind of joy. Success can fill our hearts with pride. Fame will make us feel that we are worthy. Material possessions may keep our gloom at arms’ length for a while. Religion lifts us toward the sky. Pleasure masks our fear and pain. Money moves our carriage forward. Power makes all problems disappear. Each of these increases your chance of running headlong into happiness. Though in the end, pure ignorance may be your surest bet of finding it. Avoid Disappointment and Future Regret

Children If we make it to our teenage years, we are struck with the overwhelming urge to remove our underclothes in the name of liberation. This often yields unwanted children. If we are to be honest, all children are unwanted. They are careless and unclean, expensive and noisy, distracting and demanding of indulgence.Though a rare few will insist that children are the blessing of the world

all children should be raised with a keen guilt instinct. (often, doting spinsters who have never smelled a diaper), most others will agree that children should be avoided altogether. Wholesale adherence to this principle would not only make our lives more tranquil now but would hasten the end of our species, a thing that will happen regardless in less comfortable ways. The sun will disappear or weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll blow ourselves

to bits in heated conflict. By having no more children, we can at least have a say in how we bring about the end. The flaw in this logic is revealed in the details. Imagine the legions of geriatrics doddering about in floral pantsuits sixty years from now. To be sure, the market in denture cream would boom, but who would run the factories while weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re all at Tuesday bingo? In spite of all the agony they cause, children are strategically important. Be sure to exploit their scant benefits to the fullest, lest you grow bitter in search of reasons that you sired them in the first place. note: It can be difficult to identify these reasons when sitting in a third-grade piano recital. Further, if you have not amassed sufficient savings, children can be a useful source of retirement incomeâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;especially if you have raised them with a keen guilt instinct. note: All children should be raised with a keen guilt instinct. The facts are these:You will get older.You already have. Your organs will fail and your bones will bend in unappealing ways.Who but your guilty children will smile and lie and

= There is a way to avoid the blight of children—a simple tablet taken once daily. But if you’ve come to this advice too late, be sure to never let your child discover karate, ballet, or youth soccer leagues, each of which will crush your joy with its mind-wasting tedium, frequency, and distance from your home.

say that you are looking well? Who else will change your bedpan when the time comes? Bite your cheek and strive to keep your children in your debt. Pay for them to go to college. This will increase your chances of getting more expensive sweaters at Christmastime. Call them once a week, if only to sustain the guilt. Send colorful plush elephants when they have children of their own. Pretend to love your grandchildren. It is tedious, to be sure, but essential if you hope to reap the long-term gains. Some add that we, performers all, need our children if we hope to have an audience. Who else will read the cryptic family memoirs

that we write? Whose shelves will house our scrapbooks? Our days, our deeds, our fifthgrade crushes—the pillars of our legacy— must be recorded somewhere. Without a second chapter, our history will whimper to its grave, and all we’ve done will fade as the sun sets, as the sun does always. in conclusion: Do not have children (see

money). Instead, as you reach retirement age (or sooner, if you’re out of cash) adopt wealthy, emotionally unstable, orphaned adults who live at least 500 miles from your home—and be certain to get the passwords to their various bank accounts.

DID YOU KNOW?

chances of joy

children cost = ???

chances of winning

the lottery

DID YOU

KNOW

Studies suggest that at least three percent of the time, children bring a muted sort of joy. Thus, deriving satisfaction from children is more statistically likely than winning the lottery. The average person spends $166 a year on the lottery. You should spend at least $166 a year on your children.

cost = $166/year (avg)

Avoid Disappointment and Future Regret

TAKE THIS SIMPLE QUIZ:

Success What does it mean

to succeed? The definitions are elusive. Some will not be satisfied with anything short of the presidency; others are delighted to make it past the liquor store without purchasing a pint. As a people, we value certain brands of accomplishment more highly. The CEO will reap rewards of which the humble lion tamer cannot dream. 10

Let us suppose that success means getting what you want. Which begs the question of what you want.Which only you can answer. Of course, you want it allâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;money, beauty, fame, prestige, pleasure, and lots and lots of stuff. Of course you do. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s in your bones.You are a person, after all.

WANT to know if you’re successful? Question 1 You rattle along in a dented Sonata that’s held together with duct tape. You’re passed by a Hummer with a hot tub in the back. ¢ YES ¢ Have you succeeded?

Answer: No. Not even a little. Question 2 Your child has been invited to a birthday party. Will the governor’s child be there, too? No? Have you succeeded? ¢

YES ¢ NO

Answer: No. If you checked “yes,” you’re not only unsuccessful, but also deluded. Likely the two are related.

Questions 3–5 Does your wedding ring cause wrist cramps? Is your dog the toast of Westminster? Are there at least two bathrooms for every person living in your home?

¢ ¢

YES ¢ NO YES ¢ NO

YES ¢ NO

answer: If you checked “yes” to any of these, then, good for you!You’re on your way! Questions 6–8 Is your novel in the discount rack? Do your guests sleep on a leaking air mattress? Do you reuse paper towels?

¢ ¢ ¢

YES ¢ NO YES ¢ NO YES ¢ NO

answer: If you checked “yes” to any or all, take comfort in knowing that there can only be one person in the world with the distinction of being least successful. It’s probably not you.

Avoid Disappointment and Future Regret

If you failed the quiz, do not lose hope. Take that shame and use it like a carrot to move forward. Use it like a stick. Success is something that you make, mostly by stepping on the necks of those who own stock in being nice. Strap on a pair of cleats and start the climb!

seeming success is better than no success. And remember that success must never be confused with satisfaction, that intoxicating realm of artificial bliss that may be attained by setting a low bar. By looking straight ahead and never reading Vogue, you might be able to convince yourself that you have found the grail, but no one will be fooled at your high school reunion—unless you arrive in a rented Bentley and hire a classylooking escort for the weekend.

Which raises the point: seeming success is better than no success. If you can’t actually reach your lofty goals, try to fool everyone into thinking you have more than you actually do, that you are greater than you actually are. Build a bigger, nicer-looking, artificial house around your modest double-wide. Hum the Princeton fight song while you’re jogging at the gym. Have one of your uncles pretend to be your butler. You might just get invited to a few more parties, the invitations to which you can respectfully decline, on the grounds that you are simply too successful. note: This approach is somewhat complicated by the fact that God (see religion) sees all and won’t be fooled, but then again, you have to pick your battles. in conclusion: Look in the mirror and face

the truth: others have more, and you want it for yourself. Say this three times. Poof! Your paralyzing sheen of contentment is gone, replaced by an insatiable drive to build a better mousetrap.You’re almost there! You’ll know success the day you wave your hand and someone builds it for you.

mere existence satisfaction

success

know the difference 12

Fame Everyone wants t o be well thought of—to be the object of kind words and friendly gestures. Even the baby in his crib desires approval, and his drive to be admired lasts until his dying breath—and perhaps beyond. What else can explain the pyramids, the odd phenomenon of mahogany caskets? In time, we all will die and rot and disappear forever. Face it: You will not be remembered when you are gone. Your deeds will fade, both good and bad, your winning personality replaced by someone else’s winning personality.

2000 BC

1100

1600

now

you are easily replaced

All man can hope for is to be noticed in the time that he’s alive. And so we have to stake our claim by doing something worthy now. In fame, we find an easy route to pleasure (see pleasure) and a swifter road to wealth (see money) and the latest electronics (see material pursuits). The famous are allotted a greater share of everything than the hapless wretch who shuffles by unseen. But fame is elusive. How do we get there? The range of attributes on which we might build our reputations is wide: beauty, intelligence, strength, creativity, accomplishment, charm, generosity, and hair. Hair should probably have been listed first, as it is most important. It is natural that we focus on attributes that offer the swiftest road to fame. Pretty blond girls do not spend time studying for their math exams, choosing instead to brush their flowing locks into a more alluring sheen. Avoid Disappointment and Future Regret

HOT

competitive eater

jockey

punk rocker

receptionist

supermodel

volunteer

Skinny men in glasses do not spend time at the bench press when they could instead appear on quiz shows or invent a better rocket ship. A man low on wit or intelligence might try to make his mark by strict adherence to the codes of moral rightness.This tends to limit his access to pretty blond girls with nice hair but is more likely to make a splash in the hereafter. ceo

STUD

couch potato

geek high school

the rest of your life

Some attain a kind of fleeting fame in the high school years only to suffer the subsequent indignity of working at minimum wage for the people they used to stuff in lockers.

donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t peak too early

NOT

A solid reputation is a lesser form of fame without the flashy benefits. A beloved professor might enjoy the warm regard of his students, but he will live on a modest suburban cul-de-sac. A celebrated poet might be asked to preside at the boat christening, but she will never be rewarded like the All-Star second baseman, with his seven-figure contract and list of lovers longer than the Golden Gate. Some medical scientists are celebrated for curing unpleasant diseases, but their rewards take the form of grants that must be spent on finding other cures for other diseases. In short, it is good to be well thought of, but if reputation falls shy of fame, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s generally safer to be overlooked entirely. If possible, become a king, for whom fame is implied. A king eats whatever he wants whenever he wants it. He gets his pick of virgins and always rides the biggest, fastest horse. Those who fail to admire him may have their heads removed. If royalty is not an option, front a boy band, play the ingĂŠnue in a summer

blockbuster, or lead your team to the Super Bowl. Do these things and people will buy you diamonds (see material pursuits), bring you chilled champagne (see pleasure), and rub your feet for as long as you like (see pleasure).You will lose all perspective, but as long as you never read tabloids, you might actually be happy. When it comes to fame, timing is important. The goal is to be loved until the day you die and for at least a week thereafter. Fame is worth little without the resulting heaps of pleasure, stuff, and money. how happy? marilyn monroe

george washington

emily dickinson

-2

Fame can also be acquired by perpetrating hideous crimes. Media coverage is guaranteed, but, in this instance, the aforementioned foot rubs are more likely to come from sturdy fellows in orange jumpsuits.

fame is worth little without the resulting heaps of pleasure, stuff, and money. Some argue that the only fame worth having is one that inspires fear (see power), though this claim complicates our sense of admiration. Do we admire the werewolf? Of course we do. We fear his teeth and like his chances of besting us in fisticuffs, and so we run the other way when he approaches, at speeds we havenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t reached since we were young, respecting his yellow-eyed fame every second of the way. in conclusion: Far from an end in itself,

fame is a lever used to rise above the ruckus. The view up there is better, the apples so much sweeter when plucked from the highest branches.

scary mofo

Avoid Disappointment and Future Regret

Things = desire for more things desire for more things soaring debt soaring debt bankruptcy bankruptcy fresh start fresh start opportunity to buy more things opportunity to buy more things happiness

= = = = =

... things = happiness the mathematics of acquisition

Material Pursuits If you have a faster car, you can get to the

grocery store more quickly. If you have a bigger house, you have a good excuse to buy more furniture. A bigger yard means additional gardeners, thus enhanced prestige among the ladies at oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s book club. A more fabulous wardrobe means invitations to more fabulous parties. An expensive breed of dog means hip dysplasia and soaring vet bills, but also admiration from the people in the park. But what are the practical benefits of having â&#x20AC;&#x153;thingsâ&#x20AC;?? The question is rhetorical, of course, because the answer is self-evident. Things equate to happiness. Fewer things 16

equate to less happiness. We learn this simple calculus in the first grade, at which point our lust to acquire is already well established. When a child wants something, it is literally impossible for his parent to deny him. When an adult wants something, it is literally impossible to deny himself. There are so many things to want. How do we make sense of it? We are fortunate to have television commercials to inform us of our options. We are lucky to have billboards to let us know when there are new things to acquire. We are glad indeed that contemporary inventors prize style over sound

mechanics, ensuring that the things we own will cease to function the instant the new model is released. Luckily, the world is full of ditches just waiting for our unwanted things and teams of men to haul them off so we never have to look

things equate to happiness. fewer things equate to less happiness. at them again. The history of things is a history of disposal, forgetting, and looking ever forward. We are so happy when the new thing is acquired. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s clean and new and full of possibility, representing renewal and accomplishment. If our things are new, then we are new.

If we have new things, then we deserve them. We are sad when the attractive packaging is stripped away and a new thing becomes just a thing. Usually, within ten minutes, we want a newer thing, which has almost always just been released. If we have the means, we may immediately buy the new thing, discard the less-new thing, and start desiring an even newer thing. The cycle is invigorating. If, on the other hand, we are scraping by on food stamps, we grit our teeth and silently endure the implied insult of our no-longernew thing, adding to the litany of what we do not like about ourselves. in conclusion: Beyond utility or pleasure,

things are a helpful means of noting progress and position.The pack is moving quickly. Make sure your large new car is well gassed and equipped with an adequate number of cup holders. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s going to be an endless ride.

acquire

desire

retire the cycle of things Avoid Disappointment and Future Regret

Religion We don’t just

want to be happy. We want to be happy forever. Everything we do in life is basic preparation, an audition for all that lies beyond. Money, fame, beauty, and happiness mean nothing in the afterward, though each can surely help us get there. Heaven waits alluringly for those who can wrangle their way in, its sturdy gates closed fast to the unworthy. Everyone knows Wide receivers and homethat the Christian run hitters are quick to praise God is the only God, God in their post-game interviews—a helpful reminder that that only heterowe simply can’t be happy withsexuals should have out the hand of the divine. the right to get divorced, and that you should never, ever touch your thingy. There are other religions claiming to offer different avenues to celestial bliss, but most of these involve never eating cheeseburgers, living in the desert, or sitting very still with nothing in your head. (To these, we submit that even well-intentioned cultural relativism has a way of extinguishing those self-affirming feelings we get by judging others harshly.) We are lucky that so many people cleave to golden calves, keeping Heaven from getting crowded and running out of harps. 18

God is a fixture in every election; he lives to hear his name invoked in televised debates. God loves Republicans best, of course. But since most of them live in the vast but underpopulated Heartland, God hedges his bets and blesses Democrats as well. Heaven is a bipartisan place, a thing that makes its C-SPAN feed less interesting. The swiftest route to eternity is to die as quickly as possible and in good standing with God. The other is to have your head frozen in a cryogenic tank. Scientists and theologians are working together to determine which approach represents the more statistically likely path to the hereafter.

pick your poison in conclusion: The best way to secure eternal life is to write a Grammy-winning Christian rock song or buy a Jesus Loves Me coffee mug. But considering what a pisser being a person can be, it’s fair to wonder whether an eternity of it is really such a great idea.

DID YOU KNOW?

DID YOU

KNOW

There are easy ways to turn your money into spiritual capital! You can, for example, link your bank account to God’s via direct deposit. And operators are standing by if you’re interested in trading some salary for a future upgrade.

AMOUNT

benefit

10 percent

folding chair by heaven’s pool; drinks without umbrellas

20 percent

reclining chaise, monogrammed towels, and a weekly massage

50–100 percent

24/7 pool privileges, open bar, a private cabana, and Sally

<5 percent

must clean the pool, live in cardboard leanto, and only drink Tab*

happiness

* Once they get to Heaven, of course. Here on Earth, they constitute the lovable poor that keep our outreach programs thriving.

Avoid Disappointment and Future Regret

Pleasure There is nothing worth having but pleasure. It is the end to all aims, the base motivation for all actions. Why do we strive? To get a better job. Why do we want a better job? To eat more delicious meals at better restaurants. To buy a bigger house with more spacious closets and multi-car garages. To acquire a faster motorcycle that will attract a better-looking partner with whom we might have more satisfying sexual congress until we tire of that partner and start to crave an even better looking one who will bring us even greater heaps of pleasure. You resist the premise. Why? What action is not motivated by the quest for good feeling? You volunteer on behalf of starving children with no arms. It is a noble calling, but why do you do it? So that you can tell us all about it, so that you might seem charming and alluring to

the striking bachelor over there, tall and dark and recently divorced and oh so lonely, so that he might make love to you on beds of roses, bringing you pleasure. The single biggest delusion—one we suffer every day—is that we care for others more than we care about our pleasure. Let’s try again: Why do you help the old lady cross the street? A. for celestial reward. B. in hope that she will thank you for your troubles. none of the above! You do it that your deed might be noticed by Sally with the biggish knockers. Sally, who has a thing for men with biggish hearts. That’s you—the guy who cares about old ladies! Go, You! Sally is now taking off her blouse.

CAFE

all motives are ulterior 20

MOTEL

CAR

TV SIZE

SALARY

>1M

CUP SIZE

Jumbotron

72˝

50˝

Pinto

Townhouse

x 50

Walk-up rental

SURGERY

<50K

x 200

1.5

WORK HARD

Audi

McMansion SURGERY

50K-250K

Cobbler on retainer

WORK HARDER

Hummer

Private island SURGERY

250K-1M

HOME SHOES

Hope Diamond

COMPROMISE ETHICAL STANDARDS

Hovercraft

CARATS

.25

24˝

the taxonomy of pleasure Avoid Disappointment and Future Regret

Physical bliss is the thing we all seek, but other kinds of pleasure can be found by maintaining low standards and being easily amused.

Perhaps you are the noble sort who argues for the virtue in the deed itself—who claims he acts with no agenda. Certain scientists have determined that the rare good deed can bring a distant sort of sublimated pleasure. We must thank nature for its forward thinking. Minor bits of manufactured joy must be available to those who can’t lure Sally to the sack. Otherwise, they would lie down in the streets and die. And who then would be left to sweep them up? The road to pleasure is fraught with inner conflict, but seldom does this halt our march. There is unfortunate overlap between the pleasing and the unhealthy, the pleasing and the illegal, the pleasing and the Biblically forbidden. Civilization was founded by

limiting access to pleasure. Thus did it thrive until someone invented the funnel cake, the marijuana cigarette, and the extramarital affair. This is why mankind will inevitably fail. Eventually, we demand more pleasure, and more, and ever more, until the pins rust out and the wheels come off. There is no better party than the end of days. And no one’s carding at the door. in conclusion: Pleasure is distraction from

reality, which will tolerate no long interruption.

(note: The duration of pleasure is typically no longer than fifteen seconds at a stretch.) Pleasure is the only thing we enjoy, the only thing that’s real. Except for the absence of pleasure, which is even more real.

There is no pleasure in poetry, jazz, or performance art, no matter what you might have been told. Get over it. You should never have gone to a liberal arts college.

MARIJUANA FUNNEL CAKES

ponzi schemes

POLYGAMY

BACON CHEESEBURGERS (JEWS)

EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS THE UNHEALTHY THE ILLEGAL

DEEP-FRIED MURDER

THE BIBLICALLY FORBIDDEN THE PLEASURABLE

hurts so good

Avoid Disappointment and Future Regret

Money Most happiness is

purchased. Most pleasure (see pleasure) comes from money. And this is why we scramble so to get it. For many, the foremost goal of life is to amass as much as possible and hide it in a vault. The result is greater access to pleasure (see pleasure) in the form of fast cars (see material pursuits), large homes, (see material pursuits) and fetching mates (see pleasure).

The history of the modern world has been an exercise in making sure a few people have most of the money so that they can have a really good time. This was also the history of the world that came before and our likely roadmap for the age ahead. Various governments have tried to ensure that each man has an equal piece of pie. We chuckle at these efforts. There is nothing so endearing as the earnestly naive.

DRESS for success $

$$$

$$$$

$$$$$

line cook

policeman

doctor

hedge fund manager

trophy wife

Another way to get money is to have an honest job. This should be considered a last resort, a thing to try when all else fails. Jobs are available in many places, and some require a uniform.

population money

KING

haves

robot oVERLORDS

SERFS

have nots

HUMANITY

then

now

The trick is to never use your own money when someone else’s is available—either by convincing others to treat you to expensive meals or by using their savings to increase your own. Attractive blonde women in tight blouses have proven expert at obtaining other people’s money, as have limping children selling beverages on busy street corners. Investment bankers don’t do a thing except lie still while people pile money on them with a shovel—and all of it belongs to other people! The best way to parlay wealth into happiness is to cultivate a shallow personality that can be satisfied by flashy spending. Other kinds of happiness—those derived from meaningful human relationships and quiet moments of personal satisfaction—are generally pursued by those who have no means of getting money. The act of philanthropy might seem to contradict the premise of this section. But this is not the case. People with a lot of money give a little to the suckers in order to gain favor with the powerful (see power), influence civic leaders (see fame), impress God

the future

(see religion), and attract the admiration of sexy philanthropists (see pleasure). in conclusion: Get all the money that you can without being put in prison. If you are clever enough, break any law you can in order to get more money. Don’t forget, law is but a system put in place to keep most people from getting money so that a few can have a lot of it. It’s up to you to choose a side.That wasn’t hard, now, was it?

DID YOU KNOW? 1. 2. 3.

DID YOU

KNOW

C ourses on how to leverage someone else’s wealth to increase your own are offered at most Ivy League universities and top-25 business schools. C hildren and money are incompatible concepts. The best investment you will ever make is a reliable condom. A few, odd people are not motivated by the acquisition of wealth. Urban legend suggests that some have learned to be happy without it.

Avoid Disappointment and Future Regret

Power Those with power

may have wealth (see money).They might have fame and wild success (see fame). They likely own a fleet of SUVs and endless cabinets with the latest electronics (see material pursuits). If they have children, they never change their diapers (see children). They do not sweat unless they wish to. They do not speak unless a mountain must be moved. If they arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t actually beautiful, we say they are and swear so under oath. God defers his judgment on

them (see religion), for they do the useful work of keeping us in line. But those with power do not need these things, for they have everything already. They drink from goblets full of pleasure at each meal. They have fields of pleasure to walk through in the sun-drenched afternoon and snowcapped mountains of pleasure to gaze upon from the windows of their fortresses. The source of fear, power is the most foolproof route to happiness (see werewolf).

happy mofo 26

Fear can be wielded to get anything—a private island, Babe Ruth’s rookie card, the willingness of nuns. We fear those with power because they could take our molars if they wanted to.

YES, PLEASE!

And so we do our very best to skate along unnoticed, to avoid distinction, that those we fear will not fix their sights on us and snatch our fleeting shreds of joy. Nothing makes the powerful happier than watching us jump petrified into the underbrush as their chariot approaches. in conclusion: Do

not seek power. Power finds you. And if it does, do not harbor illusions of using your mighty hammer for the sake of good. It simply doesn’t work that way.

, but money h no eris h c as God hpower . We him. A nd ll. ultimate by fearing of a god he h appiest t God is Avoid Disappointment and Future Regret

Ignorance Bafflement is the state in which we

We look to them for casting assignments early on. “You shall play the ingénue.” Or, “You will be the irritating guy who no one likes and later turns to petty crime.” Or, “You will languish in a third-world hut so people elsewhere can raise their self esteem by sending you a cup of coffee every day.” You get the picture. It happens at the start.

find ourselves most afternoons, most evenings, and most mornings.What to do? Which shows to watch after dinner? When to jump—and how high? The multitude of questions is paralyzing. And so we follow scripts handed down by Greek mythology, sitcom plots, and our ever-loving parents.

ARE YOU WIllING TO GIVE ThEM All UP FOR YOUR ChIlDREN? WIFE OF A

BlOOMINGDAlE’S OR WAlMART?

PETTY CRIMINAl

DO YOU hAVE “ThE WRONG kIND OF FRIENDS”?

SOCIOPATh

ROGER

CORPORATE UNDERlORD

TRUCk DRIVER

DO YOU hAVE A STURDY WORk EThIC? NOPE ARE YOU BIG AND STRONG?

WhAT ARE YOU INClINED TO DO?

SO DEVIOUS PUBlIC DEFENDER

PUBlIC SECTOR

STATE SENATOR FAST-FOOD RESTAURANT MANGER

PlASTIC SURGEON

WhERE DID YOU GO TO COllEGE?

STIll WORkING ON MY DEVIOUS

IN WhAT REAlM?

YEP

ARE YOU SMART?

YEP

STATE SChOOl

MARRY UP

PRIVATE SECTOR

TEAChER

NOT REAllY

A/BCUP

MIDDlE MANAGER

REAlIST

ENVIRONMENTAl ACTIVIST

WIFE OF A

PAGEANT QUEEN

DElUSIONAl

SMAll BUSINESS OWNER

I’M GlAD YOU NOTICED!

NOPE

ARE YOU A REAlIST OR DElUSIONAl?

BlOOMINGDAlE’S

hOW BIG ARE YOUR kNOCkERS?

C-CUP

ARE YOU PRETTY?

hOW RUDE!

PROSTITUTE

D-CUP

SOCCER MOM

WAlMART

I DON’T hAVE ANY FRIENDS

NOT REAllY

OF COURSE!

NOPE

ThEY’RE NOT SO BAD

DO YOU hAVE hOPES AND DREAMS?

OF COURSE!

hEll NO!

hEART SURGEON

ChOkING hAZARD

OF COURSE

hAVE A CAREER hOW DEVIOUS ARE YOU? FAMIlY DOCTOR SO CUTE!

hOW DO YOU FEEl ABOUT STEThOSCOPES?

DO YOU hAVE SElF-RESPECT?

WHO ARE

YOU

AMERICA

SUB-SAhARAN AFRICA

GOING TO BE

hOW MUCh MONEY DO YOUR PARENTS hAVE?

NOT MUCh

MAlE OR FEMAlE? FEMAlE

hOW DOES ThAT MAkE YOU FEEl?

MAlE INSPIRED TO MAkE MY OWN FORTUNE. I’ll START BY GOING TO

WERE YOU IN ONE OF ThOSE SECRET SOCIETIES?

hARVARD SkUllS FOREVER!

CORPORATE ATTORNEY TAkE OThER PEOPlE’S MONEY

REAllY, REAllY BIG

NOT NECESSARY YES!

ARE YOU BEAUTIFUl AND VAPID?

WhITECOllAR CRIMINAl

ART CRITIC

AND AlSO ChARISMATIC!

PEOPlE

COMPUTER GENIUS

hElP ONlY MOST OF ThE TIME

FlAkY MUCh?

I RESENT ThE SUGGESTION

CORPORATE OVERlORD

DO YOU WANT TO BE A PROFESSIONAl OR AN ACADEMIC?

PROFESSIONAl

PhARMACEUTICAl ENGINEER

MARkETS

REAlITY TElEVISION PERSONAlITY

OF COURSE!

DO YOU WANT TO hElP OR hARM?

DO YOU WANT TO DOMINATE PEOPlE OR MARkETS?

PRESIDENT

SOCIAlITE

BUT YOU ROWED CREW?

OFTEN ThIRSTY AND DEAD AT 35

YES

COUlD YOU SAY ThAT AGAIN SlOWER?

hARVARD DOESN’T hAVE SECRET SOCIETIES

hARM

POSTER ChIlD FOR UNICEF

ARE YOU POWER-hUNGRY AND BRUTAl?

FEMAlE

NOT WORRIED IN ThE SlIGhTEST. I hAVE A BACkUP PlAN

ARTIST

MAlE

MAlE OR FEMAlE?

lET’S jUST SAY I CAN’T BUY AN ISlAND

AND MAkE MONEY?

CEO

WhO CARES?

hOW DO YOU ROll?

MAkE MY OWN MONEY

YES

WhERE WERE YOU BORN?

A lOT hOW BIG IS YOUR TRUST FUND?

DOES YOUR FAThER OWN CATTlE?

MONEY

OBSESSION MOTIVATION? ENGlISh/ART/ PhIlOSOPhY ECONOMIST

ACADEMIC hUMANITIES OR SCIENCE? SCIENCE hUMANITIES MAjOR? SOMEThING USEFUl

Once we know who we are, the task of moving forward gets much easier. We know whether or not we should aspire, whether we are interested in sports or guns or science, what college to attend, the sort of person we should marry, who to vote for, who to dislike for no good reason, and what will be written on our gravestone. Some people go off-script, improvising dialogue that compromises order. Sometimes we admire them, citing their surprising accomplishments as evidence that anything is possible. Mostly, though, they terrify us and we lock them away in prisons or PhD programs. A happy life is one that’s lived in highest contrast. Learn your blacks and whites in childhood, and never seek the space between. Therein lies calamity. Read only the magazines available at the checkout line. Do not read books at all, especially not this one. The truth it contains is powerful but dangerous. Its teachings bring, in many ways, the opposite of happiness (see THE ROAD AHEAD).

Stay on the sidewalk, learn as little as you can, and never watch the evening news.

Beyond fame or wealth or looks or admiration, it may well be that ignorance is the clearest road to happiness. The less we know, the less we worry. The smaller our world, the fewer the distractions. The more confined our hearts, the fewer people to keep track of, the fewer late night phone calls.

in conclusion: Do not strive or seek or learn. Look straight ahead and hum away life’s noise. If you are lucky, you will die in comely peace, content with having played your role—well-fed and happy, calm and useful, certain and uncontradicted.

WAR

PESTILENCE

FAMINE

CRIME

never leave your box 30

Most of life’s pleasures are muted by thinking too hard. Forces like guilt, financial restraint, and awareness of trans-fat content have a way of diluting the pure, good feelings that can be derived from sex, weekends in Las Vegas, and deep-fried ice cream.

? The Road Ahead Consider yourself informed. You

know everything you need to take a crack at being happy. But now you have a choice to make. A crossroads lies before you. Armed with insight, you might be inclined to run around proclaiming, to share your new perspective with your fellow man. You might think to stop him as you see him slouching by and ask him if he wants some free advice. But here’s the thing. Though it seems cruel, it’s better not to tell him what you’ve learned. For what will he do with the information? He’ll use it, of course. He’ll use it against you. Teach a man to fish, and he will take your harvest. Teach a man to fly, and he will likely

steal your Cessna. And is he wrong? He’s not, of course. He wants the same thing you do— and only one of you can have it. There is a reason meals taste better at restaurants others can’t afford, their eager faces pressed against the glass while you enjoy your Porterhouse inside. There’s a reason you chase Sally—to bring her to your brother’s house to flaunt her ample bosom at Thanksgiving. You want your diamond to be bigger than hers. You want your child to be smarter than his. You want your god to be right and their god to be wrong. You seek wealth to keep it from others.You seek power to exert it.

Avoid Disappointment and Future Regret

= = = $

$$$$$

$$$$

$$$

$$ happiness is having more than

The truth revealed is the key to your redemption. You don’t just want to be happy. You want to be happier than everyone else. So share your new wisdom with caution. When everyone knows what you know now, every house will be a mansion and every car a Boxster. Every meal will be gourmet. Every child a stunning prodigy. Everyone will wear

= 32

the latest blouses. We all will hold the city’s keys. Ugly Cousin Stan will get to sleep with Sally. And so will Bob and Len and Greg and even Donald.The private clubs will be replaced by teeming halls of everyone. And, worst of all, God will love us all the same.You’ll have your fill of happiness, but so will everyone else. And so you will not want it any more.

grim equality

The other route is simple, ruthless, clean. Read this book and soak it in and burn it when youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re done. Live well and thrive and do not share the insights you have gleaned. Go find your god and hoard your wealth and fill your shelves with things that make you smile. Win the race and hire a float and hoist your babies as

the people cheer. Take pleasure in the pounding drums and banners with your name upon them. Take pleasure as you gaze into the jealous eyes of those who flank the streetsâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;who fear you and revile you, exalt you and uplift you, who lumber safely there below you, giving you the gift of happiness.

Avoid Disappointment and Future Regret

SO mAKE A CHOICE. Speak the gospel or keep it for yourself. The day is yours. It’s up to you. You are the master of your own conclusion. But we know what you’ll do. You just can’t help yourself. You’ll burn the garden even as you marvel at its beauty. You’ll offer up your tender neck for that other guy to stand on. You are a person, after all, crippled with compassion that will keep you from the prize— unfit to be happy, incapable of it.

itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s up to you

Avoid Disappointment and Future Regret

YOU

Idiots’Books

Idiots’Books This Idiots’Books creation is the product of collaboration between Matthew Swanson

and Robbi Behr, who hope you will pay close attention to the final sentence of this book before writing them off as mean and cynical people.

Idiots’Books

Matthew Swanson is a writer/harmonica player who is usually happy when eating a burrito, making books with Robbi, or watching his children sleep. The word “archipelago” makes him happy, as does a new pair of socks. Robbi Behr is an illustrator/commercial salmon fisherwoman whose seeming happiness belies an underbelly of seething discontent that can only be kept in check by ice cream, foot rubs, and the phrase “deep-fried murder.” They live in a barn in Chestertown, Maryland.

Also by Idiots’Books Facial Features of French Explorers (Vol. 1) Death of Henry (Vol. 2) Ten Thousand Stories (Vol. 3) Man Joe Rises (Vol. 4) Unattractive and Inadequate (Vol. 5) Richard Nixon (Vol. 6) Understanding Traffic (Vol. 7) Dawn of the Fats (Vol. 8) The Contented (Vol. 9) The Clearing (Vol. 10) GeorgeWashington Slept Here (Vol. 11) Last Day (Vol. 12) The Nearly Perfect Sisters of the Holy Bliss (Vol. 13) TheVast Sahara (Vol. 14) The Baby Is Disappointing (Vol. 15) Let Me Count theWays (Vol. 16) Animal House (Vol. 17) After Everafter (Vol. 18) Floating on the Ocean (Vol. 19)

Jericho (Vol. 20) The Last of the Real Small Farmers (Vol. 21) Tarpits and Canyonlands (Vol. 22) Nasty Chipmunk (Vol. 23) The New South (Vol. 24) From the Inside Out (Vol. 25) The Makers Tile Game (Vol. 26) Six Degrees of Francis Bacon (Vol. 27) Babies Ruin Everything (Vol. 28) HomerWas an Epic Poet (Vol. 29) An Inconclusive Passage in the Life of BushyWashington (Vol. 30) Stranded in StrangeWaters (Vol. 31) For the Love of God A Bully Named Chuck My Henderson Robot St. Michaels:The Town That Somehow Fooled the British

Yearly subscriptions (6 Volumes) to Idiots’Books are available for $60. Go to www.idiotsbooks.com to subscribe. Right now.

Idiots’Books