Koochie is Free

Idiots’Books

Idiots’Books

Idiots’Books

Idiots’Books Volume XXXIX

Idiots’Books

Idiots’Books

Idiots’Books 100 South Queen Street Chestertown, MD 21620 Copyright © 2013

Idiots’Books

All rights reserved.

By Matthew Swanson Illustrated by Robbi Behr

To gathering no moss.

Koochie is content as the guards inspect his shackles.

Koochie tells them sincerely.

The guards are convinced that the shackles are in no way loose. They beat Koochie and leave him alone at the edge of the woods for animals to eat.

When they are gone, Koochie slips out of his shackles.

he says.

A free man at last, he walks down the road to get some lunch.

At the juice bar, he embraces holistic medicine and meets Judy. But not in that order.

says Judy. says Koochie.

says Judy.

says Koochie, who is extremely comfortable. says Judy, who is extremely accommodating.

Koochie through the years... He’s learned a few bad habits as he wanders through his thirties. The weeks he spends with Judy spark a string of affairs with members of the clergy.

Koochie wonders aloud, walking in the desert one afternoon.

says the barmaid at the Tumbleweed CafĂŠ.

says Koochie.

says the barmaid, who might have fallen in love with him if not for the venereal rot apparent on his mouth.

says Koochie.

Her name had been Kelly. Her hair had been red. The warning signs had been plenty, but Koochie knew he couldn’t have resisted her lure had he been weighted down with boulders.

he thinks to himself.

Koochie roams, moving with the tumbleweed.

He finds a saloon to replenish his sweat. He walks through the door and the women swoon.

says the barmaid.

Koochie drinks his beer and eats his peanuts.

Plays a game of Keno.

says the barmaid, as she wipes the counter clean.

she continues.

Koochie ducks under the bar as the cavalry thunders past.

says the barmaid.

says Koochie.

says the barmaid, whose name is Ellie Louise.

asks Koochie, hoping for an easy answer.

says Ellie Louise.

says Koochie.

says Ellie Louise.

But Koochie, inspired, is off across the prairie on his trusty steed Speedo, in search of another town, another bar, another barmaid with a more conducive schedule.

says Koochie.

Speedo runs and then tires and then dehydrates and then dies.

In the desert. Koochie fights a cactus. He has a vision. He tries to start a business but he cannot get a loan.

He wants to drill for water but lacks the right equipment. He wants to write a letter to his mother but can’t remember where he came from.

He wants to aspire but lacks a motivating pain.

he concludes.

Koochie walks into town, dry and dispirited.

He sidles up to the counter and orders a beer.

The barkeep is Bruno. It is unclear whether Koochie can pay, and so Bruno is reluctant.

says Bruno,

Koochie opens his saddlebag and forty gold ingots fall to the floor.

The people gasp.

he says.

Koochie feels generous, and the beer and whisky flow freely for all.

The people drink until the saddlebags are empty. Koochie is glad.

he thinks.

Bruno retires and leaves a power vacuum. Disorder results.

Strong leadership is called for.

Someone suggests that Koochie be the sheriff.

He is honored and accepts.

There is a ruckus outside, and they pour into the streets, Koochie and his brand-new friends.

Outside at high noon.

Koochie concerned, facing another man who isn’t. The men square off. Someone is counting. Koochie knows he will have to lift his gun, aim, and pull the trigger.

His opponent has a mean sort of look, but otherwise seems reasonable enough.

says Koochie.

says the man.

say various members of the crowd.

Koochie looks around for his friends but sees that they are gone.

he reflects.

Koochie lifts his gun, aims, pulls the trigger, and shoots Cowboy Jim in the spleen. The man objects.

he says.

says Koochie,

say a few in the audience. They are disgusted.

says Koochie, genuinely interested in setting things right.

says Cowboy Jim.

says Koochie.

says Jim.

He’s been through this before. The duels he participates in have a way of not going according to plan.

he thinks.

The new barmaid gives her favorite mug to Koochie as a kind of trophy.

she says.

Koochie is touched and takes her up on it.

At the end of the night, the barmaid proposes.

Koochie considers. This is something new.

She describes her comfortable rancher, her two-car garage, her wine-of-the-month club subscription. Her inexplicable attraction to men with asymmetrical faces.

Koochie reflects and takes a short nap on the bar.

she says.

says the barmaid when he wakes up.

says Koochie.

He saddles Jim’s horse and slips away.

Koochie rides the trail to harden his hands, lengthen his rope, and learn the true aim of his shot. He finds the lonely road is not his friend, and yet he persists, ever and onward, in search of the shifting horizon.

he says.

Idiots’Books

Idiots’Books

This Idiots’Books creation is the product of collaboration between Matthew Swanson and Robbi Behr, who, having emerged largely undamaged from their first foray into making a comic book, will not likely test fate by attempting it again.

Idiots’Books

Matthew is a writer/harmonica player/oatmeal eater who objects to the term “comic” on the grounds that so many are unfunny.

He proposes the following alternative: “genre-agnostic, panelheavy, bubble-laden picture stories (that are often quite tragic).”

Robbi is an illustrator/printmaker/commercial salmon fisherwoman whose Japanese grandmother used to send gigantic boxes of Manga in the mail. This was back when Asian people were still Oriental and Robbi was not yet so jaded and spiteful.

Also by Idiots’Books Facial Features of French Explorers (Vol. 1) Death of Henry (Vol. 2) Ten Thousand Stories (Vol. 3) Man Joe Rises (Vol. 4) Unattractive and Inadequate (Vol. 5) Richard Nixon (Vol. 6) Understanding Traffic (Vol. 7) Dawn of the Fats (Vol. 8) The Contented (Vol. 9) The Clearing (Vol. 10) George Washington Slept Here (Vol. 11) Last Day (Vol. 12) The Nearly Perfect Sisters of the Holy Bliss (Vol. 13) The Vast Sahara (Vol. 14) The Baby Is Disappointing (Vol. 15) Let Me Count the Ways (Vol. 16) Animal House (Vol. 17) After Everafter (Vol. 18) Floating on the Ocean (Vol. 19) Jericho (Vol. 20) The Last of the Real Small Farmers (Vol. 21) Tarpits and Canyonlands (Vol. 22) Nasty Chipmunk (Vol. 23)

The New South (Vol. 24) From the Inside Out (Vol. 25) The Makers Tile Game (Vol. 26) Six Degrees of Francis Bacon (Vol. 27) Babies Ruin Everything (Vol. 28) Homer Was an Epic Poet (Vol. 29) An Inconclusive Passage in the Life of Bushy Washington (Vol. 30) Stranded in Strange Waters (Vol. 31) Avoid Disappointment and Future Regret (Vol. 32) Build Your Own President: 2012 (Vol. 33) Baby Apocalypse (Vol. 34) Hey, Baby! Here’s What to Expect (Vol. 35) Sisyphus Rex (Vol. 36) The World in Love (Vol. 37) Sex to the Third Power (Vol. 38) For the Love of God A Bully Named Chuck My Henderson Robot St. Michaels: The Town That Somehow Fooled the British

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Koochie Is Free Copyright © August 2013 Idiots’Books Vol. 39 www.idiotsbooks.com

Idiots’Books

Idiots’Books