Due to low readership, Look for Mrs. Wallace’s “Who? What? Wynn! epic journey on InWhere? Wilder!” has Depth, page 3-4 been canceled
Ashland High School
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201 South Mountain Avenue Ashland, OR 97520
April 1, 2010
Vol. IV Issue X
Ashland, Oregon
Lebo’s element of surprise by Tim Borgerson hile the CERN particle accelerator in Switzerland has been plagued by delays brought on by lawsuits claiming it has the potential to destroy the planet – and possibly the whole universe – Ashland High’s own Jim Lebo has been forging into the frontier of scientific discovery. The CERN collider, when operating at full capacity, will smash atoms together at such a mind-boggling speed that a new element will be produced. However, much to the chagrin of the scientists at CERN, Lebo edged them out in the search for the chemistry community’s version of the Holy Grail. This past week, Lebo discovered the 119th element, doing so with only a few chemicals, an Erlenmeyer flask, and pure scientific ingenuity – which Lebo also refers to as luck. “Like any great scientific discovery, this one came to me by accident,” Lebo said. The element was discovered in a rather remarkable matter. At 3:35, on February 11, 2010 Lebo was putting away a beaker of dihydrogen monoxide and sucrose, when he tripped on a stray freshman biology student. He proceeded to spin around rapidly with his arms outstretched. Apparently, the centrifugal force created by this rotation caused the atoms to bond, creating the new element, rightfully dubbed ‘Lebodium.’ Since then, Lebo has spent many tireless hours attempting to replicate and perfect his experiment. “I like to take the MacGyver approach to chemistry,” Lebo said, referencing a 90s action TV show that most teenagers have probably not heard of. While the scientific process was without hiccup,
Lebo does attribute one casualty to his discovery. As he attempted to open a celebratory bottle of non-alcoholic champagne with his mouth, one of his teeth was jolted out of place and it fell into a nearby beaker of acetic acid. “I ended up with a genuine onemolar solution,” Lebo said. While Lebo has made headlines in prestigious jargon-riddled scientific journals, he has failed to receive acknowledgement for his discovery among his own students and peers. When asked for his opinion of Lebo, AHS junior Jonathan Mills responded, “Isn’t that the guy who set the floor on fire during an Interact Club meeting?” Even fellow science teachers are dubious as to the validity of Lebodium. AHS science teacher Kate Kennedy notes, “I have known Jim for almost twenty years, and in that time the only thing I’ve seen him discover is that he can clap with only one hand.” According to Lebo’s son Thielsen, the family life has been a bit rough the past few weeks. “The kitchen has been a disaster. The other day I almost bit into a sandwich made with radioactive Uranium235 instead of mayonnaise.” Not only has Lebo suddenly attained notoriety in the scientific community at large, he has also generated a spiritual following, as people view his discovery as a miracle – akin to Jesus Christ, who performed the worlds first ever cloning when he fed five-thousand people with just seven fish. Lebo, however, takes all of this with a grain of NaCl. When people ask him for life or spiritual advice, his favorite response is “remember, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate!”
Lebo marvels over his creation.
Photo by Sophie Thurston
New mascot for AHS by Lucas Opgenorth
It has been many a long year since a grizzly bear, other than the gym’s ferociously school spirited artist’s rendering, has been seen in or around the town of Ashland. Regardless, Ashland High School continues to be represented by the same outdated and embarrassingly irrelevant mascot long after its mammalian counterpart has vanished from the area. Additional concerns have also been raised regarding the violent nature of the Ashland Grizzly. Co-President Ben Small notes, “We have received numerous complaints from members of the community who feel that the vicious and malevolent image of the mascot is inappropriate for AHS.” His co-president, Noah Sohl, concurs, citing the gym’s malignant grizzly portraits as a contributing factor to the misbehavior of student fans during one of this year’s boys basketball games. “How can we expect our student section to be respectful when they are represented by such a threatening figure?” Sohl asks. The two have spearheaded a reconsideration of Ashland’s mascot set to begin on April 1. “We all agree that the Grizz has got to go,” said Principal Jeff Schlecht in support of the presidents’ plan. Leadership will be voting on a new mascot from a field of several different student and staff proposed choices, sometime before the end of the school year in order to have the switch complete when AHS enters its new athletic conference. “A new mascot will be a great way to reinvigorate our athletic program and give us a fresh look for our new field of competition,” basketball star Steven Dickie said as he practiced
his three-point shot. So far, a clear front-runner in the mascot race is the black-tailed deer, a common form of Ashland wildlife. Assistant football coach Steve Mitzell is a staunch supporter of this particular option. “We all know that the grizzly bears around here died off a long time ago, but, on my way to work today, I almost ran over three deer. So, in Darwinian terms, the deer is clearly the stronger and fitter animal, making it much better to represent our powerful sports teams,” Mitzell said. Co-presidents Small and Sohl, on the other hand, favor the dung beetle. “Because it reuses what others would simply discard, I feel that the ‘dung beetle’ would perfectly complement our efforts to make AHS a more sustainable and environmentally friendly school,” Sohl explained. Many others have looked to the city’s culture of Shakespearean theatre for inspiration, nominating the leotards as a mascot choice after the one-piece clothing item that is commonly donned by actors. Lastly, a mascot in honor of the reputation of Ashland’s citizens, the hippies, has been met with enthusiastic response. Supporters say that it would be both a reflection of Ashland’s uniqueness and an intimidating image to athletic opponents. Among fans of the hippies is Josh “Big J” Harris of the AHS football team. “The red paw is dumb. Who’s ever seen a red grizzly anyway? I’d much rather have a Prius on the side of my helmet. Besides, judging by recent reports, I’d rather go toe to toe with a bear than sit behind the wheel of a Toyota,” Harris said in an enthusiastic endorsement.
Things are not as they seem. They may seem like your ordinary teachers , but what do they
was driving her mad. Clausen was distraught to dis “My precious, they wants my precious,” hissed Leeanne Wallace, former teacher of Epics Legends and Fantasies (E.L.F.) at Ashland High School. Wallace agreed to sit down for an interview with the Rogue News after a three month absence. She currently resides at the Rivendale Celebrity Rehabilitation Center (RCRC). On her 111th birthday Wallace received a mysterious ring as a gift. She slipped on the ring and disappeared from the face of the earth. The community spent weeks wondering where she disappeared, and Wallace’s coworker and long time friend, Jane Claussen, set out to retrieve her lost friend. Claussen discovered Wallace in the depths of a mining shaft in the Misty Mountains of Ashland. She was in a pitiful state, delirious and potentially insane. She refused to relinquish the ring, and it
cover her friend had developed a split personality and an addiction to the ring she wore around her neck. Claussen attempted to convince her friend to leave the den with her for the sunshine of the Shire, but Wallace resisted. Reluctantly, she left the cavern without her friend, but on returning to Ashland, she informed the “Rogue News” of Wallace’s whereabouts. We dispatched a fellowship of nine reporters and staff-members to retrieve Wallace. The rescue party was comprised of a diverse group with a specialized set of skills. Notable members include Jim Lebo, a level ten guild mage and Mark Miller, a level three dwarf. The group successfully retrieved Wallace after a long and arduous quest that cost some of the group their lives, and they placed her in her current
photo by Sophia Thruston
Wallace guarding her “precious.“
McKinnon donates his locks to the NRA by Raven Susu-Mago Even if you don’t know him personally, Mr. McKinnon is hard to miss. Towering at around 6 feet 5 inches and looking a bit like the classic image of God, we’ve all seen him striding across the quad, ponytail swinging with the occasional wave and smile to a familiar student. It’s undeniable that McKinnon is a favorite among students. “He’s a great guy. He’s very friendly and smart, and the way he presents information makes it really interesting,” senior Lydia Zowada said. “I’m always excited to be in his class.” Well, this perpetual man of the hour has once again wowed the population of AHS: After twelve years of boycotting the hairdressing business, McKinnon has made the generous decision to chop off his legendary ponytail, sell the hair, and donate the money to the National Rifle Association. “It wasn’t my plan until recently,” McKinnon said as he absentmindedly ran his hand over the now smooth, hairless, back of his head, “but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like the right thing to do. I’m a long time supporter of the NRA, and so I wanted to turn things around and pay them back for all the great things they’ve done.” While his deed is commendable, (who doesn’t support the NRA anyway?) there are those who lament the loss of his hair. “McKinnon just isn’t the same without his ponytail,” longtime student senior Colette Balbuena commented as she shook her head. “When I’m not enraptured by his soothing voice, I’m admiring his hair.” Other students were simply at a loss at the discovery of this event. “What’s next, the beard?” junior Dante Toppo exclaimed. Not surprisingly, not only students but staff
Mrs. Paustian and Mrs. Anderson getting ready for
by Angelica Florio
Photo illustration by Grace Riley-Adams
Mr. Mckinnon showing off his new style
members as well seemed to have a lot to say on the subject. When informed of McKinnon’s big change, English teacher Leeanne Wallace froze and gasped. “It must be the Spring Fever,” she declared, continuing her trip to her trashcan, arms full of pigs, “I’ve caught it too, as you can see; it’s time for all these pigs to go.” McKinnon, we salute you for your generous act, but your legendary over-the-shoulder-ponytail-flick will be sorely missed.
You’ve seen them speed walking down Main Street, now prepare to see them sprinting down the Great Wall of China. Mrs. Paustian and Mrs. Anderson have been chosen to participate in the next season of the hit show on CBS, the Amazing Race. This reality game show follows eleven teams of two as they compete in extreme challenges in a race all over the world in the hopes of winning $1 million. After years of training, the dynamic duo finally decided to take their competition to the next level. Mrs. Paustian feels confident in their chances. She said, “I’m not worried about our competition. With our high levels of intelligence and athleticism combined, we can beat anyone.” It seems they do have the upper hand, while most people
will be the Pala potenus women one else “Fibon secret, our kn our win If the race seasons been a t No ma work to amazin skills se Anders everyon ers. Pau quered
y do outside of school? Rogue news brings you the truth about some mysterious staff workers...
by Paul Schwarzzer Bonnie Williams has been a student at Ashland High for the past 30 years and has been hard at work to earn her last credits so she can finally graduate and move on. However, Williams receives frequent detentions for listening to her iPod during class and is still behind in community service hours. To earn her required service learning hours, Williams has volunteered to be the schools crossing guard during lunch to replace last years crossing guard, Doc. While only earning an average of twelve minutes of
community service each lunch period, it will take some time to earn her service learning credit. “I love watching the cars drive by and protecting my classmates from danger,” Williams said. Williams has been a student long enough to take classes with and see her own daughter graduate ahead of her. That doesn’t seem to bother Williams, however. “Although its demeaning to have my daughter graduate high school before me, I like to look at the bright side,” Williams said. “I’m constantly befriending fun new underclassmen, and Im always up to date on the juiciest four-one-one.” Don’t be intimidated by Williams supersenior status, because at heart, she’s just your average high school teen. Outside of the study hall room and away from the crosswalk, Williams enjoys attending school dances, hanging out at Yogurt Hut and having sleepovers with her gal pals. “High school is incredible,” Williams said. “Best 30 years of my life.”
Photo by Sophie Thurston
Super senior Bonnie Williams chillin with friends on the quad
Judy: B-b-b-bad to the Bone by Jackson Santee
Photo submitted by Brenda Paustian
r the race
running around the perimeter of ace of Versailles; they know the hyse will lead them to victory. These n also have a secret weapon that no e will think of, Anderson exclaimed, nacci. The Fibonacci sequence is our it is seen everywhere in nature and nowledge of this will contribute to n.” our beloved math teachers do win e it will be a great feat, as in all 15 s of The Amazing Race there hasn’t team of two women to win the race. atter the outcome, the team plans to ogether and stay positive. “We work ngly together, our communication eem to be improving exponentially.” son said with confidence. We hope ne will tune in to support our teachustian and Anderson, first they conthe AHS math department, next the
fighting?” Ms. Kimball calmly reThe gatekeeper; the literary guru; sponded, in an almost Hanthe benevolent benefactor of anynibal Lecter way, “It’s my callone’s study session. However, some ing.” may know her by another name However, there seemed to – Kimball the Killer. be much more to her reasonEvery Friday night, the glasses ing. A little snooping and a come off, the warm pink sweater and few undercover operations high-waisted jeans are replaced by an soon confirmed my suspicion. elastic jumpsuit complete with racing We all know of the hard times stripes for added speed and flames our nation has endured for for intensity, and cinched around years, and we have seen the the waist of that fragile frame, a gareffect of such a monstrous gantuan golden belt with the letters meltdown travel from the “U.F.C” skillfully inscribed – a belt vaults of our country’s largest of champions. banks all the way to the very Her dominion is transferred from shops of our small town. Ms. the quiet serenity of the library to an Judy Kimball has coupled her octagon no larger than the averagelove of knowledge and literasized classroom, painted vibrantly to “Kimball the Killer” at her day job as Photo by Hannah Stocking ture with her love for Ultiwarn any and all attendants of the “Judy the Librarian” mate Fighting to give back to simple but potent fact that people the community. Almost thirty can die there. percent of all of our high school’s books were perBut fear has never stricken the face of the Killer; in fact, she sonally purchased by Ms. Kimball, straight from her pocket. welcomes it as a challenge, taking it on face-to-face in the ring, She has scoured every new and used bookstore from Ashland battling it as if it were an ancient foe, tooth and nail, until she to Seattle in hope of improving our scholarly repertoire, showultimately prevails, standing atop the body of the fallen, roar- ing us that a lot of compassion, sweat, and ferocity can go a ing in her backless elastic jumpsuit, sporting the giant phoenix long way. rendered in ink across her back. I now know why her fans caw So, I encourage any student heading through the makeshift and fanatically wave their arms whenever she steps foot into turnstile to go beyond the recognition of Ms. Kimball’s undethe ring. niably sweet and delightful presence, and look a little harder; This reporter had the pleasure of talking to the Killer in one may see beginnings of an ink-based beak, peering over the person: in an environment other than the ring, of course, with brim of her signature pink collar, telling but one thing to any armed guards on either side of me. When asked, “Why cage passerby - looks can be deceiving.
Plaid!
by Calynn Jenkins Over 16 percent of the world’s energy is produced from nuclear power. Soon, Ashland High School science students will have the opportunity to experience this process first hand. AHS entered a contest to receive a Department of Defense Sustainability Grant and out of the 1,000 high schools that applied, AHS won. The grant will provide the science department with a lowgrade nuclear pressure water reactor.
The 100-megawatt reactor will run using fuel pellets, which decreases the chance for meltdown. The pellets are 3% Uranium235 enriched. The low-grade nuclear reactor will come from Exelon Corp., the biggest producer of U.S. nuclear power plant prototypes. The reactor will be a similar model to the Chernobyl reactor, but a much safer lower-grade. When asked about safety concerns, AHS physics teacher Kate Kennedy said glowingly, “It will be a great teaching tool. We don’t believe there will be any safety issues.” There are environmentally friendly aspects to the nuclear reactor: no greenhouse gases or air pollution. The one foreseen problem, Kennedy said, is finding a place to store the nuclear waste. Under the quad or in the dungeon underneath the high school are two feasible options. The reactor itself will be located in the unmarked storage room in the dungeon.
Science students will not only experience the process of developing nuclear energy, but its waste will also be used as heat to boil water for spaghetti parties or to provide energy to new absorption refrigerators in the cafeteria. One of the foreseen student projects is making glow-in-the-dark florescent nightlights. The nightlights’ low levels of radiation are no concern for Junior Joe Dokes, “There is more radiation coming from the transmission lines outside of my house,” he says. The high school will also use the low-grade nuclear pressure water reactor for sustainability purposes. The library building will soon run on nuclear energy, reducing energy bills and AHS’ carbon footprint. We will be the first high school in the United States with a low-grade nuclear reactor; another step in making AHS one of the best high schools in the country.
by Nathan Harris After winning two conference championships and a slew of successful seasons on the football field, head coach of the AHS Grizzlies, Charlie Hall, has voluntarily stepped down from his position in order to pursue his dream of becoming the head coach of the girls’ volleyball team. The move comes as a shock to many who saw Hall as an iconic figure for AHS football, whose dedication to the sport has until now, been long enduring. But volleyball was always in the back of his mind. “Growing up for me it was football, football, football, but volleyball has certain characteristics that you just can’t get in football. The grace, the fast pace, the spikes…specifically the spikes.” Hall stares off for a moment here, his face glowing with pure excitement until he regains his normally collected nature. “Those are just a few of the great aspects of the sport I latched onto early on as a fan and a player.” For a few Hall confidantes, his decision was less of a shocker. Principal Schlecht learned of his affinity for the sport years ago when he walked into the gym early in the morning to find Hall practicing his passes and serves. “He just had this huge smile on his face and a look of sheer joy. The passion was clearly evident. He was also a surprisingly skilled as a player. I’ve never seen somebody whack a ball that hard over the net,” Schelcht remarked. Hall learned the basics of the sport while growing up. Walking home from school he discovered a volleyball court near his house, and soon found out it served as the home to a crew of retired Olympic volleyball players that got together weekly to play the sport could never give up. “These guys let me into their world
two days a week, let me see what volleyball was all about.” Hall said. “It was truly a turning point in my life. From then on out I knew where my destiny lay, and that was in front of a net.” But in the long run, Coach Hall chose football over volleyball, a choice he now gets to reverse when he takes over as head volleyball coach this upcoming season. For the football team who loses their leader, confusion has already begun to sink in. “What the heck is he thinking?!” Offensive lineman Shea Henthorn said. “It puts the team in a tough position. I hope it works out for Coach, though.” The girls on the volleyball team- who have won conference championships two years in a row- seem hesitant and reserved in their opinions on the situation. “He seems good at coaching football, but I just find it a bit hard to believe that he can transfer that ability onto the volleyball court,” Piper Cantrell said, who will be returning to play next year regardless of the coaching situation. “I don’t think the whole macho football thing will work as well with us, which might lead to some frustration for him.” As to whether or not Coach Hall will be shifting his coaching philosophies to suit his new sport, he’s quick to note that his style of leading a team are the same as they always were on the football field. “At the end of the day, football and volleyball are practically interchangeable. We’ll practice hard, throw in some contact drills here and there. Every game, we’ll go out on the court and give the rest of our conference their money’s worth.”
by Elle Swarttouw
It’s been a long affair, man and his plaid. Every hipster from Kalamazoo to Ashland owns at least two to three plaid articles of clothing to complete their look, but plaid is quickly ceasing to be a must have. What happened, the sudden international anti-plaid campaign? Where did it all begin? “It was probably when Sarah Palin sported a bright crimson flannel shirt while wolf hunting. When the photo was released to the public, all hell broke loose,” junior Tanner Hebert said. And so it continued, fights were started, friendships broken, and high school cliques from around the nation in turmoil, all at the fault of one question: plaid, or no plaid. An equally important question is how this now tragically finished fad began. Plaid at its birth was known between kilt wearing Scotsmen as Tartan, and its textbook definition is a pattern consisting of crisscrossed horizontal and vertical bands of multiple colors. Yet from this point, what is known today as plaid went downhill. From lumberjacks to schoolgirls to young people wearing it ironically, plaid has ventured through all sub-cultural territories. “I’m so sad about plaid. What will go next, skinny jeans?” freshmen hipster Asia Nguyen-duy said. But it’s all history now, just as red is the new black, and green is the new red, as argyle is the new polka dots, and plaid is the new argyle, trendsetters are under pressure to produce a new print. Anyone who risks leopard print, may you find shelter before the claws come out. Until then, mankind must await a new trend while sticking with solid colors, just to be on the safe side. There are some however, who refuse to give up the dream, “Plaid is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination, and will remain so for all eternity!” junior Vincent Brinegar said. Whatever your style, whatever your dreams, remember that plaid is a dead trend and steer clear.
Rogue News
Rogue News is published by the newspaper classes of Ashland High School, 201 South Mountain Ave., Ashland, Oregon 97520. (541) 482-8771 ext. 195. The editorials written by the Rogue News express the opinions of the editorial staff on issues relevant to the staff, the school and the community. Personal columns do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the entire staff and are written as the opinion of the individual author. Letters to the editor, which should be under 250 words, are encouraged. They can be dropped off outside of Room 202, put in Mr. William Gabriel’s box in the main office or emailed to RogueNews@ashland. k12.or.us. No letters will be printed without a verified signature. Letters received in the second week of production will not appear until the next issue. The Rogue News staff reserves the right to refuse to print any potentially libelous or obscene material, anything that would invade the privacy of others, or anything that could cause a disruption of the school environment.
Editorial Board
Charlie Hall displaying his volleyball skills Photos by Azure Ginsberg
From the Rogue News Staff: April Fool’s! April Fool’s! April Fool’s! April Fool’s!!!!
Chief-in-Editors..Anna Hummus, King Arthur Lawniczak, Ella Enchanted-Adams ..........................................................................Jackson Santee-Claus and the elves The Dream Team.....Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Arthur Lawniczak Team Zissou.................................Frodo Baggins, Hannah Sayles, Taylor Patterson Backpage Barons................................................Edward Cullen, Ella Riley-Adams Photography Editors......................................Grace Riley-Adams, Sophie Thurston Managing Editor...................................................................Adam “A-Pav” Pavlich Autocrat of Advertisement.............................................Jesse “Agent Smith” Smith Advertisement Prodigy..........................................................Talen “T-Heat” Heater