by Al Lee and Payton Onesie What do you think teachers do in their spare time? Aside from grading and making lesson plans, Rogue News discovered a lifestyle that a few AHS teachers have kept secret from their students and even staff members. Board games, chili, hot sauce, “The Bachelor,” and gossiping about students are just a few of the scandalous activities these teachers meet up to engage in regularly after school hours—staying together as late at 10pm. Rogue News investigators—while lurking on Jamie Hirsh’s premises, the location of these gatherings--overheard Hirsh say, “Kip Parowski got an A on our last American Studies quiz, what a kid!” and specified the strengths of other students as well. During their pre-show dinner, Rogue News uncovered more than anticipated about their secret lives and found out the truth about our mysterious educators.
Rogue News overheard discussion of illegal activities including failing to renew a driver’s license one week after it was due to be renewed. As Hirsh turned on the television to begin watching the finale of “The Bachelor” at promptly 8pm, math teacher Marissa Watson enthusiastically disclosed that she will be undergoing plastic surgery in order to look more like bachelorette contestant “JoJo.” A round of applause went around the room. As the show went on, math teacher Ben Tell became very animated about his opinions of the two bachelorettes. Watson began to mimic her idol JoJo’s every move—taking notes about the true meaning of love. Hirsh’s roommate and colleague Aimee Antilla emerged from her bedroom in a full ball gown to celebrate the finale of “The Bachelor.” Teary-eyed and beginning to weep, Antilla said, “I cannot believe this is truly ending-
photos by Rogue News secret agent
-how will I move on?” Tell also began to weep, but the two AHS teachers found comfort in each other’s sadness—expressing their deep love for bachelorette contestant JoJo. The group of teachers nearly set the house ablaze after the smoke alarm began to go off in Hirsh’s house. They panicked; no one was able to pinpoint what the cause of the fire was. “It’s the cornbread!” yelled Hirsh, racing toward the kitchen. As the night went on, and the suspense of “The Bachelor” was building, several neighbors threatened to call the police due to the loud screams that were radiating from Hirsh’s home. Though students usually have a bleak perception of teacher life outside the classroom, Rogue News discovered this is far from the truth. Included below this article are surveillance photos taken during this revealing evening.
New Classes and Bell Schedule Revealed by Cornrow Davis and Sophie Taj-Mahal AP North Korean History/An Introduction to Military Dictatorships (yearlong class): In this college-level class you will study Korean history during the reign of the Great Leader, Dear Leader, and Fat Leader respectively. Students will be introduced to the benefits of malevolent dictators. Making Friendships That Will Last a Lifetime--Or at Least Until Graduation (yearlong class): This class helps those who feel that they don’t belong jump into new experiences and friendships with other people who feel the same way. The friendships you create in this class are guaranteed to last.* *until graduation Uncreative Writing 1 (semester class)/Uncreative Writing 2 (semester class): This new writing class will make sure that your stories and essays are perfect cookie cutters of each other, free from boring creativity and individualism. lluminati Connections (S1) /The Matrix: Fact or Fiction? (S2) (yearlong class): Learn how to prove that the Illuminati are behind everything. Second semester will be an analysis of the Matrix and its hidden messages. Alchemy (yearlong class)/Alchemy Honors (yearlong class): Due to an overwhelming request from the student body for more science classes, Alchemy and Alchemy Honors will be available next year. Chamicuro (yearlong class): This language, also known as Chamicura or Chamiculo is native to Peru, and currently spoken by only two people in the world. Thanks to a new outreach program, AHS is proud to announce it will now be offering this language as a class. Kombucha Brewing (semester class): Let your inner Ashland out and join this fun class brewing Kombucha! No previous experience necessary. Essential Oils (semester class): Lavender, frankincense, peppermint. Learn what properties these and many other essential oils have and what they do for you, as well as how to make them from raw materials you collect yourself.
Monday/Wednesday/Friday: Period 1............................... 7:90 – 8:15 On-Campus Recess ...................8:15 – 8:50 Period 2................................8:50 – 9:34 Period 3................................9:38 - 10:23 Period 4................................10:26 – 11:11 Lunch/Drum Circles....................11:11 – 11:81 Period 5................................11:51 - 12:36 Period 6................................12:39 - 1:46 Period 7................................1:47 – 2:34 Period 8................................2:35 – 3:20 Period 9................................4:20-4:20
Tuesday: Period 1 ........ 9:12 – 10:00 Dance Break.10:02.00 - 10:02.30 Period 2..........10:03 - 12:33 Lunch.............12:33 - 1:15 Period 3......... 1:18 - 2:48 Period 4 ........ 2:52 – 4:72 Thursday: Period 5..........6:04 – 10:00 Period 6..........10:03 - 12:33 Lunch.............12:33 - 1:15 Period 7..........1:18 - 2:48 Period 8..........3:00-5:37
A Legacy of Service by Jams Spreadson, Eye-Uh What? and Steve Stevenstein
In light of Mr. McKinnon and Mr. Cate’s retirement, the Rogue News team thought it appropriate to look back on these two gentlemen’s lengthy careers in public service. Timothy Cate had a long-standing career with the military, starting with his 1861 enlistment in the Union Army.
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Matthew McKinnon started his career as a community organizer and philanthropist.
McKinnon’s interest in government started at a young age. By his 1776th birthday he had written countless pieces of legislation.
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McKinnon ran an unsuccessful campaign against Harry S. Truman in 1948 election which catapulted McKinnon into the national spotlight.
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After military service, Cate was selected for an elite aeronautical program which garnered international attention.
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by Kale Futon, Callin Me-Up, and Mummy Chaw 1. Ashland was the first colony on the west coast. There is a common misconception that California was “discovered” before Oregon. However as recently brought to light, Ashland was the first settlement on the west coast of the United States of America. Solley for the fact that the Lithia Water assists in the growth of hemp plants twice as fast as regular water. 2. The elevator across from the wrestling room actually goes up to a secret floor above the lower gym. The only two staff members that have access to this floor is Carl Kemper and Russ Johnson. 3. The class of 1906 holds the record for the most elaborate senior prank to date. Over winter break the entire senior class rallied together and built the English building. The construction was not completed by the end of the break and as a punishment for the unusual prank, 100 students donated their weekends to complete the construction of the English building. 4. Due to the lack of mountains in Kansas, the directors of the Wizard of Oz were forced to relocate for certain Oz scenes. The directors originally decided on filming in Ashland on the hills below Grizzly Peak. However, Judy Garland was horribly allergic to the pollen around those hills during the spring, so the movie was filmed elsewhere. Still, her allergic reaction inspired the “poppy” scene.
5. As many of you many know, the Half Moon is actually a monument in honor of Pac Man. The creator of Pac Man is an alumnus of Ashland High who donated a large sum of money which paid for two of our tech labs. 6. There is an ongoing investigation on Counselor Jeff. So far the evidence is inconclusive but it is pointing towards the fact the Jeff is a werewolf. The health center has banned Jeff due to the odd way he acts around the smell of blood, and no one has ever seen Jeff eat anything but avocados. As we all know, avocados are what werewolves eat when they are not capable of eating meat. 7. A common fact not many students realize is that all the staff had to go to Ashland High School and must have solid evidence of their participation, as in a diploma. This goes for all staff at the high school. Do not ask a teacher this because they cannot disclose this information to their students. 8. Advanced Conditioning; a pretty simple name and a deceptively peaceful class. The secret behind it is that it’s a test to weed out the weak of the class. Those who are found the strongest are promised a long lasting life in the halls of Valhalla. Those who are not found worthy are never heard from again.
Seeking a Hobby? The nose flute is calling you. Join the movement today!
This is an opportunity of a life time and colleges love it!
Come unleash your hidden talents on white Wednesdays at lunch in the AHS Library.
MAISIE’S SECRET IDENTITY!
by Lauren Puh-Lease Rogue News has uncovered new information regarding “Cornrow Davis,” author of the Valentine’s Day article published February 2, 2016. No one claims to know Davis at Ashland High School, nor is she enrolled in Rogue News, or any other classes for that matter. So who is this anonymous reporter? After extensive research, the editorial team at Rogue News has concluded that Maisie Roberson is the reporter behind this Cornrow character. Roberson has declined to be interviewed for this particular article, so it is up to the readers’ deductive reasoning to infer whether or not this name drop was an accident or an insight into Maisie’s double life.
As a sophomore and vice-president of The Ashland Animal Club, Maisie Roberson appears to be a normal teenager to most of her teachers and classmates. What they don’t know is that she lives a double life. Roberson has the best of both worlds: by day she is a student at Ashland High School who dedicates her time to her academic studies, reading, writing and singing, but by nightfall, she transforms herself into Tennessee’s one-hit-wonder, Cornrow Davis. Her song “Nobody’s Perfect (Except for Me)” was featured in Tennessee’s West Side Slayas Magazine in 2011 along with several other songs from her album Rapstar.
This debut led Cornrow to the excessive fame which drove her out of her hometown, Bugscuffle, Tennessee, and into The Rogue Valley. “[Cornrow’s] fame got in the way of her teenage endeavors,” says her father Bobby Roy Davis. “She needs to just be a kid sometimes, not a celebrity.” In order to protect her identity as “the next Iggy Azalea,” Cornrow and her family decided to move to Ashland, Oregon under the alias of Maisie Roberson. Rogue News requests that the school faculty and students will respect and treat her no differently after acquiring this new information about Cornrow.
The content of this edition is mostly fictional and intended to be humorous, not offensive. Please enjoy our 2016 April Fools Edition!