Vol. VII No. IX April 1, 2014
by Bryce Rogan The conclusion of a recent study has confirmed a nightmare diagnosis for the Ashland High School student body. A rare, incurable strain of common entitlement has been found in the majority of the students at the high school, leaving both school officials and students reeling. “I mean, I just don’t see how something like this could develop in our secluded, affluent, highly educated community. The facts just don’t seem to add up,” one anonymous student, holding a Starbucks cup and gluten-free bagel, commented with a confused expression. The strain has yet to be diagnosed with a common name, but, scientifically, it is known as 1,3-alpha-2-hydroxy-N-hexentitlamide. This is an altered version of a family of entitlement viruses commonly found in private schools across the West Coast. Sources close to the research team have disproved the speculation that the virus jumped from St. Mary’s, a school heavily afflicted with the common
strain, through one of the many students that transfer back to AHS. An official release by the researchers stated that the high school was an “ideal incubator” for a new strain of virus. It mixed “the typical, preppy dynamics found in private schools with a heavy dose of hipster and hippy culture and the façade of not caring about ‘the system’ or their image but, in fact, caring very much about both ‘the system’ and their image.” The researchers also noted in their report the unfounded assumption of the students that they are “simply better human beings than all of the other 7 billion on earth,” added complexity to the virus. The social aspects mentioned above then collided with the overall affluence and the reliance on parental monetary support present in the area to instigate the explosion of the new strain. It is estimated that 93 percent of the student body is diagnosed and it is expected to grow by about 1.7 percent each year. It appears as if the community is headed towards complete affliction within the decade, based on the rate of growth and its incurable nature.
Also, a hypothesis has been made that this strain never dissipates once the disease has been contracted. While it is possible for it to become dormant in certain situations, it remains nonetheless. The administrators of both the school and school district did not return interview requests. The news has left the community and campus shell shocked and scared. Some parents are not allowing their kids to go to school for the upcoming week, while others are urging a quarantine on infected students. However, much like many things, these adults do not realize the magnitude of the virus. The city is infected, not just the students. “It’s scary, there’s no way around it,” one student, who solemnly looked down through the lens of his Ray Bans at the gap between his khaki shorts and Birkenstocks, commented. “It makes life very real. You see, this virus doesn’t care about the size of my house, or how many Twitter followers I have. And that frightens me.”
by Katy Barnard Breaking news: Emigrant Lake has been contaminated and will no longer be safe for humans to swim in. This shocking news was delivered to The Rogue News early this morning to warn the students of Ashland High School of the new dangers of this popular summer hangout. The lake became contaminated by a species of fish that was introduced to the lake to help reduce the amount of seaweed in the water. The Emigrant Lake Rangers described the epidemic as, “a horrible mistake that will never happen again.” The rangers were in charge of the idea to welcome a new fish species to the lake. Little did they know that the purchased fish had high levels of mercury. The mercury fish have contaminated the lake to the point where it could be very dangerous to human health. So for safety purposes, The Emigrant Lake Rangers have decided to close the lake for recreational activities, including boating. As the news travels to
all Ashland residents, the rangers are anticipating a lot a of angry and disappointed feedback. “We are ready to listen to the complaints and respond to them with our fullest apologies,” the rangers said. Emigrant is the spot to be in the summer for Ashlanders, and this will be a huge disappointment when the sunny summer days come around. The Rogue News was asked to cover this story in our paper to make sure that the youth of Ashland knows exactly what has happened. The rangers are extremely apologetic to all Ashland residents, but specifically the high schoolers that spend their summer days at the lake. They cannot express their apologies enough, and have accepted the consequences of angry citizens. Emigrant Lake, the popular summer hangout, is shown above marked as do not enter.
Hall
releases
‘Grizzly Core’
Famed football coach is a budding star in the profitable workout video industry by Hannah Borgerson Have you ever looked down at your calves, abdominals or bicep muscles and become ashamed? Do you want to get more swoll? If you answered yes to either of these questions, it’s time you learn about the opportunity that may change the way you work out. Rogue News got an exclusive sneak peak of AHS gym guru, Charlie Hall’s workout video Grizzly Core. The workout film features Coach Hall in Lithia Park leading fellow teachers, Mr. Cate and Mrs. Anderson in various body strengthening exercises. “I think both adolescents and adults need to work on training their bodies properly. In my video I focus on the importance of using your core to gain toned muscle as well as strength,” Hall stated. Grizzly Core contains a 30 minute leg workout,
a 25 minute arm exercise and 15 minute ab session followed by a stretching and yoga cool down. “I came up with work out idea when I saw how many kids at AHS wanted to enroll in my Advanced Conditioning classes, but were unable to because their schedules were too full,” Hall said, “So I thought I could make a video for those who want to know about how to whip the butts into shape, even if they couldn’t get into AC.” The video will be coming out on April 10, and will be for sale in the athletic office for 8 dollars. “If the first one sells well, I am considering making a cardio video,” Hall said. “I will be showing a preview of my video sometime this week. I hope to see everyone there… meaning all you football players better show up!”
Sportz: by the Numbers
98 3 -Average number of fans at tennis matches. 7 -Number of muscles Mason Montgomery’s muscles’ muscles’ have. 16 -Number of boys Sadie Bailey made cry throughout the wrestling season. 104 -Number of Pre-Calculus books that Ivan Carrier can bench press. 35 4 -Number of hours spent walking at AHS golf tournaments. 55 -Liters of protein powder consumed in the weight room weekly. 5 -Number of people who know there is an AHS Trampoline Team. 8 -Percentage of football players that actually chew their food while eating. -Percentage of baseball players that will look ridiculous after their playoff haircut.
-Percent of track athletes that quit the team after the pictures were taken.
Giseppi’s by Hanna Greenberg
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As many of you may have heard, the Scholastic Aptitude Test is undergoing a major makeover. The formerly 2,400-point examination is returning to its pre-2005 1,600-point arrangement, taking into account only the scores of the reading and math sections. So, along with this drastic raw point change in the dreaded SAT that we’ve all grown to know and hate, lets look at some of the other changes that college-bound students will be seeing in the upcoming years. Before this recent alteration, the SAT was filled with abstruse (thanks SAT prep book) vocab words that were incomprehensible to the common high school student. Now, The College Board has removed the vocab segment completely and replaced it with a reflection survey, questioning how prepared the student feels for the SAT and providing the opportunity for students to voice any comments or concerns they have about the test or their further education.
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Correlating the SAT with everyday life skills may seem foreign to anyone who has taken or been exposed to the test. However, to combat this, The College Board is now awarding a possible 200 points for correctly filling out the name and address information, explaining that these are “real life skills.” As this change begins to occur, it is predicted that prep classes will spend a unit of their studies making sure that students are familiar with their full legal names, addresses and birth dates. Despite these new changes to the test that is perhaps the chief deciding factor in college admissions, students who have taken the test in the past will reap none of these new benefits. The College Board reflects that, “we admit the test in the past was too difficult, and we sincerely apologize for that. However, it is important that students who have previously taken the SAT before these changes understand that in life, mistakes happen, and we hope that they can learn from this lesson.” Every student that is asked about their SAT experience will claim that the testing environment itself is quite harsh. Complaints from students, teachers and proctors alike have now had an impact on test creators. The “new” SAT will offer a break after every section, and each test administration site will provide snacks and beverages during these breaks. “It is just as important that our students remain properly nourished as it is that they study for the test,” College Board employee John Smith said. This change will be implemented in the start of the 2014-2015 school year. We wish students at AHS taking this new and improved test the best of luck!
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Tech Bans School Wifi by Gabe Young
In light of recent findings by the American Academy of Pediatrics and the Canadian Society of Pediatrics regarding the detrimental effects obtained by the overuse of handheld electronic devices in children under the age of 18, Ashland High School has decided to do its part in protecting its students. Just weeks after blocking popular social media sites Twitter and Instagram from being accessed on the school’s wireless network, the AHS Technology department announced that the wifi ban would be extended to include all Internet activity, effective immediately. “Originally, we thought that a wifi network at school would provide students with an excellent opportunity to conduct research and work on projects without being tied down to a computer,” shared technician Antione Perry. However, after the department conducted a routine count of page views at the end of last month, such expectations were proven to be far too idealistic for the AHS student body. “Without going into detail, we found that the majority of wifi use was for social media- and by ‘majority’ I mean 99.8%,” admitted Perry rather ruefully. It was based on these findings that the decision was made to prohibit all Internet use on the school’s wifi network. While this measure is temporary and will only remain in place until a further solution is reached, the ban is expected to last “at least through the end of the school year,” according to numerous administra-
tive sources. Though critics of the new policy feel that it is too heavy-handed and will wrongfully punish those few individuals who use the wifi for academic purposes, Perry begs to differ. “Students can still research all they need to while on campus,” he stated reassuringly. “They’ll just have to do it the old-fashioned way: by going to the library… and using one of the computers there.”
photo by Seve Bortman
AHS Dean Russ Johnson expresses frustration as his truck is towed.
by Gabe Young According to reports, AHS Dean of Students Russ Johnson accidentally put a parking violation sticker on his own truck early Thursday morning. The blunder did not stop there, however, as he proceeded to have the vehicle towed. As stated by several sources familiar with the situation, Dean Johnson had been driving his 2012 Chevy Tahoe up Morse Street on his way to school when he caught sight of three AHS students performing an unspecified illegal activity on district property. Johnson quickly pulled into the gym parking lot and left his truck in the first open space he could find. In his haste, Johnson, who is universally feared for both his hawk-like vision and his strict stance on parking regulations, failed to notice that he had positioned his vehicle in one of the lot’s two handicapped spaces. After Johnson, along with the help of Principal Michelle Zundel and numerous unnamed law enforcement officers, had dealt with the kerfuffle at hand, he returned to the school on foot. Forgetting that he had hurriedly parked in a location other than his usual staff spot in the Iowa Street lot, the dean began to perform his daily ritual of fastidiously inspecting students’ cars for parking passes. Much to his chagrin, after finding no offenders, he began to saunter towards his officestopping only to notice a familiar vehicle parked in a handicap spot. Apparently, it was at this point that Johnson mistook his own truck for another “very, very, very big white truck.” Observing the vehicle’s lack of a handicap permit, he im-
mediately pulled out a bright orange violation sticker and firmly placed it on the driver’s side window. When he returned to the lot nearly an hour later, the vehicle still had not been moved from the handicap spot, so the dean called a tow truck to get rid of the nuisance. The rest of the day passed rather uneventfully for Johnson; that is, until he went to retrieve his truck and return home in the late afternoon. “Not a day goes by where we don’t park next to each other,” shared science teacher Mark Miller. “So when we got to the lot and his truck wasn’t there, he had the most puzzled look on his face- I’ll never forget it.” A few moments later, however, Dean Johnson began to put the pieces together as to what had happened, and with a heavy heart, asked for a ride to the impound lot. Ironically, this is not the first time that Johnson’s truck has been stickered during his tenure at AHS. Last fall, during his first year as Ashland’s Dean of Students, Johnson made a similar mistake; stickering his own vehicle, and three years prior to his ascension to the rank of Dean, he was stickered by his predecessor Glenna Stiles for an infraction in the district lot. As this is his third violation, Johnson is thus required to pay a $50 fine, in addition to the $150 towing fee. No word has yet been shared as to whether this sum will be directly subtracted from his next paycheck. Russ Johnson was unavailable for comment at press time.
(Goodbye Mr. Cornelius) by Cass Christopher
photo by Katy Barnard
AHS English teacher Rick Cornelius reveals his second identity as a ballet dancer
All good things must come to an end. For those of us that have had the honor to know Rick Cornelius, we know that he is an incredibly amazing teacher. After nearly 40 years of teaching high school, Cornelius will be retiring this June. What we don’t know, however, is his true intention behind leaving Ashland High School. He’s not retiring to enjoy his later years sipping coffee on the beach and reading his daily Time Magazine. I sat down with Cornelius to get the inside scoop of his future plans. The past 40-or-so years of residency in Ashland, Oregon have all been stepping stones toward Cornelius’ overall goal of reincarnating the Russian Communist party next year. This effort has been going on for decades now, and now that he is at the appropriate age of retirement, Cornelius feels it is the perfect time to act upon his goals. “Everyone has a passion or dream that others wouldn’t expect,” he said, “Who gets me?” According to Cornelius, Ashland has been the perfect underthe-radar location to work in association with Vladmir Putin and the Communist movement. Now that we know what Rick Cornelius’ true intentions are, the question is how he plans to advocate them. “First, I needed to find my way in,” he admitted. Cornelius will make his move by joining the Bolshoi Ballet in Russia in association with Putin. The Bolshoi is the most famous ballet group in the world, and Cornelius feels that being a part of it will be the perfect opportunity for him to broaden his artistic horizon as well as become more involved with the Russian Communist movement. By teaching at Ashland High School for so long, Cornelius has saved enough money to voyage off to Russia in the fall of 2014. Another bonus, he has been able to closely study Russia year after year in his freshmen class. I’m sure he knows a lot about his future home by now, judging by the amount of time he spends talking about it. To my fellow Cornelius students: now we know why we’ve all been called “little Communists” at one time or another. Apparently, “Putin and the Russian government are working towards making Crimea into a Communist Center for the Performing Arts,” Cornelius said, “And I will be there as their star.”