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table of contents August 2012 Getting Fishy With It
FEATURED
The College Issue
56
It isn’t a surprise that college provides an excuse to work hard and party hard. Once you learn how to juggle the responsibilities of school and play, you’ll be smooth sailing. If not, you’re screwed. This is College 101: a crash course in how to survive the greatest four years of your life.
Griz: The Future is Now
16
He’s launching a new EP this August, opening for Big Gigantic at Red Rocks, and announcing a new tour this fall; all during a time when Internet authorities are taking down his music. Griz is a man on a mission and there’s no one who can stop him.
Colorado Distilleries Local liquor companies have made their way onto the Colorado scene with high quality booze we aren’t used to at the Rooster offices. Against the better judgement of our therapist, we went in search of Colorado’s great distilled goodness.
36 Praying for
49 53 57
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Dating Out of Your League You’re in Little League and you want to go to the majors. You tried and hit the friend zone; you tried again and creeped them out. It’s time you hit the showers and get a pep talk from Rooster Lombardi. We have you covered.
Decline of the Dictator Iron-fisted overlording and nationalist wackiness used to be a lot easier before free-market democracies started kicking ass. We take a look at leaders from the not-so-free world who make us all look a little bit better.
Pots, Bottles and Cans
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the Buffs
Last year CU made its debut in the Pac 12. And let’s face it, the season didn’t pan out like many had hoped. Coach Embree’s heading into his second season with new faces on his roster. Could this be the year we finally stop drinking to ease the pain?
The rise of the Big Red F has been a quiet and admirable ascent. We take a look at Jax Fish House, the company’s seafood establishment, which has transformed the way seafood is served in Colorado. Fresh oysters and local fish make Rooster a happy camper.
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Ever since the human race learned that clay jugs could be used to transport beer from one location to the next, life was never the same. We look back at the inventions beer drinkers couldn’t live without.
Sexify Your Mattress A mattress is a big investment. And while sleep comfort is vital, there’s one other important factor to consider when purchasing yours: how does it ride? Scientists actually worked this out, leading to our list, from “Top Honors” to “Might as Well Be on the Grass.”
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ROOSTER
Editor’s Word
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t’s that time of year again when reality hits home. Students question whether underwater basket weaving was the best choice for a degree; parents question, while writing large checks, why they ever spawned in the first place; and university chancellors question what part of tuition should be made just a little more pricey. During this shit show called college life there’s only one news source you can count on, a news source dedicated to asking the tough questions and going where no other media outlet has gone before. Our articles might be as awkward as a Boy Scout picnic at the local Catholic cathedral, but that’s just us calling it how we see it. We reprimand interns who abandon half-full beers, but we have a company culture to protect and interns must abide. So when you finish reading the special college edition of Rooster and start wondering how we continue making a product every month, we have two words for you: Tyler Perry. In other words, success has been built on far less. Speaking of success, college is expensive. The average cost of a four-year degree with books, supplies and room-and-board is around $80,000. What if you took that money, invested it elsewhere, got a job at Wienerschnitzel and watched it grow? Our financial reporting team looked into this possibility and came back with a list of alternative investments for the on-the-fence student. On the other hand, this is the same reporting team that ignored the e-mails from Bernie Madoff’s son and invested Rooster’s retirement
MAGAZINE
Publisher Ethan
fund in Facebook’s IPO. Oops. But seriously, college is important. That’s why we’ve dedicated an entire issue to the best four years of your life—that, and we needed some kind of theme to pitch to our advertisers. College is finding the true balance of work and play along with uppers, downers and anything to help with the all-nighters. And if you don’t make it through, just start a non-profit. As always, enjoy the issue, keep learning and dream big. This year Rooster is going bigger with more giveaways, more shows and more entertainment than ever before. Our reader appreciation has been overwhelming and we’re always striving to improve—all for you, dear reader, all for you.
Sklar
Berger Hoggatt Managing Editor Geof Wollerman Director of Photography Christoph DuFoe Art Director Craig
Copy Editor Amy
Segreti Kohn, Erin Moriarty, Michael Flora, Dina Hood Contributing Writers Matt Allen, Tanner Hadfield, Caitlin Mccluskey, Caitlin Knight, Jay Wheeler Bennett, Jeff Sloan Designer Anne Robertson Photo Contributors Molly Burns, Jules Kueffer Associate Editors Isabelle
Boulder Sales Executive Dominik
Schatz Fisk Fort Collins Sales Executive Jordan Burnight Denver MMJ Sales Executive Linda Crane Denver Retail Sales Executive Greg
Distribution Manager Stephen
Yours truly, Simon Berger
Swindel Aguirre, Joe Newsone Editorial office 720-583-6693 Editorial submissions RoosterMagazine@gmail.com Press releases Promo.Rooster@gmail.com Promotional inquiries Promo.Rooster@gmail.com Distribution Experts Chris
Work for Rooster We’re currently hiring:
Office Guinea Pigs
Advertising
ADvertising Department 720-583-6684
media kit inquiries RoosterMagazine@gmail.com
Subscriptions Call 720-583-6693 for one- and two-year pricing All contents of Rooster Magazine including logo are copyright 2012. Rooster does not assume responsibility for any unsolicited manuscripts, artwork or photographs. The opinions and experiences of the authors are strictly their own and not those of Rooster. Rooster does not advocate the use of drugs, legal or otherwise, nor is it responsible for the actions of its readers.
iPhone 4 color conversions Color Conversions on iPhone 4 Mix & match: Front Backplate Midplate home button Shattered Glass Repairs: Stock Front & Back replacement 3G/3GS & 4/4s Same day repairs iPadColorConversions comingsoon!
1825PearlStreet, DowntownBoulder,Colorado 14
Editor-in-Chief Simon
EDITOR
Letters to the Editor ROOSTER June/July 2012
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June/July 2012 Dear Rooster, Your last blind date made me livid. The girl was awful! She is a psychopath and a manipulator and should be sterilized. The way she played the guy was disgusting. How can she be so full of herself? She wasn’t even good looking…and she had a receding
hairline! I don’t blame Rooster for this but this bitch makes me want to punch something…or someone (her!) and I am not a violent person. I hope there is never a date like this again and I also hope Rooster makes love happen, because the world needs love not people who joke about it. No wonder she has never been on a date, who in their right mind would ask such a horrible human being out?! She “hooks up,” pshh! All that means is she’s a slut who fucks random dudes, and probably no more than one unfulfilling time! It is girls like her that give girls a bad name! We’re not all bad! Sincerely, An avid reader and believer in Rooster making love happen, Megan
Dear Rooster, I was very excited to see that you did a wing review. That being said, I was very disappointed after reading the wing review. Did the restaurants pay you? The wing reviews were all positive when we all know some of these places have TERRIBLE wings. (Harpo’s and Lazy Dog, I’m talking about you.) All I got from the article was Rooster is either going soft or being paid off. Tell your readers the truth—no one wants to be lied to about wings! Wings are a serious matter.
Dear Rooster, I recently moved out of the state and want a subscription. Scratch that, I need a subscription. Tell me how and I will do it, I cannot live without my Rooster fix! Love you guys! Amelia
Sincerely, A believer in truth telling and wing connoisseur, John
Send your love or hate to Roostermagazine@gmail.com
WE’LL BUY IT FOR CASH! electronics, sporting goods, bikes, small appliances firearms, iPods, iPhones, laptops, cameras, gold, TV’s watches, video games, game sysyems, computers snowboards, restaurant equipment, DVD’s, BluRay’s skis, cars, kayaks, studio equipment, cell phones speakers, motorcycles, juicers, collectibles, guitars keyboards, cool vintage stuff, sewing machines, vacuums, memorabilia
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featured events Because we care. Aug. 2-4
Aug. 25
Laugh Track Comedy Festival
The Hill Flea Market
Reggae On The Rocks
Yup, Denver has a comedy festival. Spend a couple days watching stand-up and films and forget about whether your parents find you a total or just a slight disappointment. In its third year, Laugh Track Comedy Festival is a chance for indie filmmakers and comedians to get their name out there. It got its start as the Festivus Film Festival, but after too many comedic submissions it changed its name. A guarantee: the festival’s comedy will be funnier than the joke in this write-up.
No one can turn down an old-fashioned flea market. And while we know The Hill Flea Market is another reiteration of the City of Boulder telling students that The Hill is for families, the flea market does help build the local business community, which Rooster is always for—because we love America. Do you love America?
One of the premier concert venues in Colorado puts on one of the best reggae shows in the world. This year Red Rocks, host of some of the greatest national and international acts as well as upcoming artists, is bringing back Burning Spear, who don’t do many shows these days. Last year it was Inner Circle and Fort Collins’ own Dubskin. Two years ago it was Rebelution. This year is the event’s 25th anniversary, which means there will be lots of medicating and you probably won’t remember who played.
Oriental Theater and The Bug Theater
Through Aug. 10
Double Your Pleasure! Double Your Fun!
NEXT Gallery, Denver Two artists, one gallery. Normally artists’ egos prevent them from sharing the limelight with other artists. But with V2R2 and danma, both influential artists in their own right, it’s a match that coalesces in an oeuvre influenced by pop surrealism, Hieronymus Bosch and Japanese Shunga. Don’t make us explain. Take a night to drink in these artists’ exploration of spirituality, which is derived from a mixture of the precious and the taboo. Don’t make us explain. Just drink another glass of wine and say something abstract.
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Aug. 18
The Hill
Aug. 14-20
Red Rocks Amphitheatre
Aug. 16
The Book of Mormon
Comedy Night
Created by the two twisted-genius minds behind South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, “The Book of Mormon” is a religious satire born from a fascination with Mormonism. Nothing is off limits with Parker and Stone; the only certainty is that political correctness will without a doubt be damned. If you only remember one thing from this entire issue, remember to go see “The Book of Mormon.”
Yes, the Denver Zoo does comedy. Denver’s own Chuck Roy and Boulder’s Josh Blue will be telling jokes with the fishes—literally— during this night of laughs. What do you get when you mix one part hippie, one part fat joke, two parts comedian, one part Colorado and one part monkey tossing his feces? A Rooster office party.
Ellie Caulkins Opera House
To have an event listed, email RoosterMagazine@gmail.com.
Denver Zoo
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FEATURED events Because we care even more.
WelcomeFest When Aug. 25 Where Farrand Field Cost Free The beginning of school isn’t complete without an event from our friends at the Program Council. WelcomeFest is a gathering of artists performing under the stars at Farrand Field, while freshmen learn about life away from their parents and upperclassmen enjoy a free concert while sipping cheap and terrible mixed drinks from Nalgene bottles. Last year Big Gigantic, Paper Dia-
mond and RPM brought the house down. This year, we expect nothing less. Although the Program Council sometimes gets flak for these shows because of uptight security, a free concert is a free concert.
Affordable Arts Festival When Aug. 26 Where Arapahoe Community
College Cost $5
There are those that enjoy the finer things in life and indulge in expensive purchases. Then there are the rest of us who go to special events to buy items that give off the impression that we enjoy the finer things in life and indulge in expensive purchases. This is one of 18
those events. All artwork is priced at $100 or less. And these aren’t just finger paintings; serious artists from around the country gather every year for this festival. Bring your pocket book, your coupon book and a stack of IOUs. It’s art shopping time.
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UPCOMING SHOWS Satisfying one groupie at a time. Aug. 8
Aug. 6
Aug. 9
Aug. 10
Photo: DP Muller
Die Antwoord Ogden Theater
We found out they were kind of fake two years ago, but that spoiled their awesome fake-bad bizarro-raps. It’s like watching a really talented version of Riff Raff.
Heartless Bastards
The Mynabirds
Thievery Corporation
It’s hard to find a more fitting ambassador of the Austin sound than Heartless Bastards, which was Alabama Shakes before Alabama Shakes was Alabama Shakes.
Think The Civil Wars, a dash of Feist and a mean streak, singing new hymns with teeth bared to the red sky and black dirt of the American west. Oh, and they’ve got rhythm.
We’re not sure how trip-hop has stayed sexy, or even how these guys make being locked inside an opium den sound like an enjoyable experience, but we’ve learned not to care. Aug. 17 & 18
Stage on The Hill
Hi-Dive
Red Rocks Amphitheater
Aug. 10 & 11
Aug. 11
Aug. 15
Bass Invasion
Chiddy Bang
Andrew Bird
Pretty Lights
Hey kids, do you like violence? Want to see us put turntable needles through our eyelids? Relax, we’re just talking about Denver dubstep’s wild syncopations and drops. Crush velvet, not ass.
There’s been many a failure to successfully combine contemporary indie rock and hip-hop, but Chiddy Bang was born to do just that. Eat it, Asher Roth.
The comparisons to Larry Bird don’t stop with surnames. “The Hick from French Lick” could easily be an Andrew Bird song title, and both have an alarmingly graceful all-around game.
38,012 A.D.: red dwarf Ross 248 passes within 3.024 light years of Earth, becoming the Sun’s closest star, but only if resident hypergiant Pretty Lights has dissipated by then.
Photo: Cameron Wittig
Cervantes Masterpiece Ballroom
Aug. 20
The Very Best
Aug. 23
Chautauqua Auditorium
Aug. 25
Somehow simultaneously exotic and familiar, M.I.A.’s buddies Esau Mwamwaya and Radioclit formed The Very Best in 2008 and have been churning out salacious, club-ready afro-pop ever since.
Red Rocks Amphitheater
Aug. 25
Photo: Graham Tolbert
Photo: David Harrison
Fox Theatre
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Bluebird Theater
Theophilus London
Poliça
M. Ward
If swag dies soon, let it be known that London made his claim long before soon. His style makes your flyest shit look like a souvenir from Hard Rock Cafe.
Haunted by hypnotic reverb and Auto-Tune (an expansion of Bon Iver’s effects), Poliça is the echo of a rave from the bottom of the Grand Canyon slowly reaching the surface.
The “Him” portion (and the legs) of “She & Him” is back on the road as a solo artist. Is he trying to set the record straight? He doesn’t have to, but we’re not opposed to him trying.
Fox Theatre
Bluebird Theater
Boulder Theater
MUSIC
Aug. 26
Aug. 28
Aug. 29
Photo: Anna Palma
Aug. 31
Photo: Jeffery Sauger
Photo: Landon Speers
Yeasayers
King Tuff
Purity Ring
School of Seven Bells
Do they sound like One Republic on acid? It’s debatable. Quit asking so many questions. In any case, they might be the only other band able to fit into The Flaming Lips’ genre.
King Tuff is the latest in a line of Sub Pop’s wonderfully anxious balladeers. He recently caught Jack White’s eye with all the songs in his pants and his bad, bad band.
Imagine the perfect blend of creepy witch house and mid 2000’s East Coast R&B, (think Cassie’s “Me & U”) and you’ve got the oddly hot, futuristic sounds of Purity Ring.
Imagine if Scissor Sisters accidentally got locked inside an Urban Outfitters at night and began to sing mournful songs for humanity, calling the disco gods to free them.
8.2 DJ SET by JAMES MURPHY & PAT MAHONEY (DFA RECORDS/ LCD SOUNDSYSTEM) 8.23 THE MAGIC BEANS 8.25 M. WARD 9.7 BOOMBOX
T H U R S D AY
Marquee Magazine & Radio 1190’s Local Shakedown Present
JUAN
F R I D AY
JUAN
S AT U R D AY Colorado Daily Presents
Colorado Daily Presents ALL AGES
ALL AGES
ALL AGES
WITH
BIG B, PROZAK & KMK SIDE PROJECT
Colorado Daily Presents ALL AGES
97.3 KBCO Presents
FRIDAY AUG 3
SOLD OUT
THURS AUG 2 JUAN
KGNU, Radio 1190 & Boulder Weekly Present ALL AGES
1135 13TH ST. - BOULDER, CO (303) 443 - 3399 IN PERSON : ALBUMS ON THE HILL (BOULDER) TWIST & SHOUT RECORDS (DENVER)
Colorado Daily Presents
Boulder Weekly Presents
ALL AGES
1135 13TH ST. - BOULDER, CO (303) 443 - 3399 IN PERSON : ALBUMS ON THE HILL (BOULDER) TWIST & SHOUT RECORDS (DENVER)
with
LO’ DOWN ON THE MOTHERSHIP
Boulder Weekly & Radio 1190 Present
ALL AGES
KUNC, Colorado Daily And Twist & Shout Present
W E D N E S D AY
ALL AGES
UPCOMING SHOWS AT BOULDER THEATER
AUGUST
T U E S D AY
Larimer Lounge
SHOW 9 PM
M O N D AY
Larimer Lounge
ALL AGES
S U N D AY
Moe’s Original Bar-B-Que
SHOW 9 PM
Bluebird Theater
ALL AGES
Westword & Radio 1190’s Basementalism Present
ALL AGES
and WHISKEY TANGO RAMJAM Presents
ALL AGES
1135 13TH ST. - BOULDER, CO (303) 443 - 3399
ALL AGES
IN PERSON : ALBUMS ON THE HILL (BOULDER) TWIST & SHOUT RECORDS (DENVER)
JUAN
Colorado Daily Presents
ALL AGES
TICKETS AVAILABLE AT BOULDER THEATER BOX OFFICE ALBUMS ON THE HILL + TWIST & SHOUT
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Sex, drugs and self-loathing West Water Outlaws know what makes a good party. It’s not every day you meet a band that’s up-and-coming, that’s actually going somewhere—a band such as Boulder’s own West Water Outlaws. The bluesy, rock n’ roll quartet got its start two years ago, when University of Colorado psychology major and lead singer Blake Rooker stumbled into the wrong classroom and met guitarist Will Buck. “I had a pretty good buzz going that day,” Rooker said. “I ran into Will and he said ‘We should start a band.’” The full story is not quite so serendipitous, as Buck interjected and explained: “We had met before, I didn’t just walk up and say ‘You look like you’re fucked up, wanna start a band?’” Nonetheless, Rooker invited Buck to come jam that night, a night Buck describes as “brothers meeting for the first time.” The two “brothers” had two things in common: a taste in music and a love for Miller High Life. “The jam session was louder than my ears could ever handle, I couldn’t
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hear for the next day but figured that was good,” Buck said. They then recruited bassist Vince Elwood and drummer Andrew Oakley to take over the rhythm section. Having played together the previous eight years, Elwood and Oakley were tight and ready to take on any new challenges. With the lineup solidified, the band started practicing in Rooker’s basement; practice soon turned into huge parties with throngs of people coming to see what the band was made of. Riding this momentum, the band entered CU’s 2010 Battle of the Bands and won. This led to using what little money the band had to record its first EP, Crooked Angel. The band left Rooker’s basement and began playing shows around town; in May 2012 it headlined a sold-out show at the Fox Theatre, to the band members’ surprise and delight. “We practiced probably more than we’ve ever practiced for that one,” Rooker reminisces. Buck
added, laughing, “We failed all finals because of it. If we weren’t practicing, we were doing some sort of marketing thing for it. If we weren’t doing some sort of marketing thing we were talking about how the whole night is going to go. We bought lights for the show. We didn’t want it just to be locals night at the Fox, we wanted people to walk away and think that was a professional show, a real band.” And it was. The crowd got rowdy as the Outlaws took listeners through a musical journey that ranged in influence from reggae to western to metal, all the while keeping true to their gritty blues-rock sound. Rooker finds this variety is a strong point: “One of the main things is that we didn’t want to pigeonhole ourselves into any genre or category where we couldn’t play this or that. I would call it musical schizophrenia at some points, but somehow we all pull it off.” Talking to the band and hearing them play, their friendship and cohesiveness is palpable: they live
together; they have nicknames for each other; they write their music collaboratively, with every band member bringing something to the table. When asked how their songwriting process usually goes, Oakley explained: “It’s kind of cool because it’s complete creative freedom. If anybody has an idea for a song everyone’s like ‘Sweet, lets check it out and make it a song.’ It gives us variety because we all have different influences, different styles of music that we’re into and we all bring that together writing our songs.” Listen deep to Rooker’s lyrics and you’ll find a Memphis boy at heart. The band—including Rooker and the band manager, Rich Fogal—seems to agree that three things influence Rooker’s lyrics: drug experiences, sexual experiences and self-loathing. Buck remarked that drug experiences are “number one,” before quipping to Rooker: “Self-loathing because of your sexual experience on drugs last night.” Rooker cleared the air: “I’m a big believer in the way the song feels, over exactly what it says. Just the feeling of the song has always been my main focus, and I try to write whatever I think may sound cool.” West Water Outlaws play the Fox Theatre for their new EP release party on Aug. 2.
Outlaws say the damndest things Will: “I can just die now, I’ve sold out the Fox, I don’t care anymore.” Will: “I have a profession where I can be visibly drunk, and it’s fine. Actually people cheer more when I drink my beer than when I play my guitar onstage. Or what shirt I’m wearing, apparently.” What’s your favorite song to play? Will: I hate all of them. Blake: (Referring to their new EP) It’s gonna be a polka-hip hop-dubstep mix. (After telling a bunch of tour stories) How many tours have you guys been on? Will: One, it was just two weeks. I think I’m gonna die on the next one.
ALL SHOWS ARE ALL AGES UNLESS STATED
*SEE OUR COUPON IN THE BACK OF THIS MONTH’S ROOSTER MAGAZINE!
Sat, Sep. 8 - 8:00pm - SUMMIT MUSIC HALL
Wed, Aug. 8 - 8:00pm - MARQUIS THEATER
Sat, Sep. 22 - 7:00pm - SUMMIT MUSIC HALL
Sat, Aug. 11 - 1:00pm - SUMMIT MUSIC HALL
Sun, Sep. 23 - 7:00pm - SUMMIT MUSIC HALL
Tue, Aug. 14 - 7:00pm - MARQUIS THEATER
Mon, Sep. 24 - 7:00pm - SUMMIT MUSIC HALL, AGES 18+
Mon, Aug. 20 - 2:00pm - SUMMIT MUSIC HALL
Sat, Oct. 13 - 8:30pm - SUMMIT MUSIC HALL
Fri, Aug. 24 - 8:00pm - HI-DIVE Advance Tickets Available online at www.sodajerkpresents.com or www.ticketweb.com, by phone at 1-866-468-7621, or buy at the venue on any show night. All shows are ALL AGES unless otherwise stated. For more information on shows, venues, etc please visit our website at: www.SodaJerkPresents.com
BENEFIT FEAT. PLACES 8/10 WILDFIRE MARQUIS THEATER, DENVER
9/6 PROTOMEN MARQUIS THEATER, DENVER
WITH ROME 8/12 SUBLIME RED ROCKS AMPITHEATRE
BURNS RED 9/17 AUGUST SUMMIT MUSIC HALL, DENVER
8/17 IAMDYNAMITE MARQUIS THEATER, DENVER
TURNER 9/18 FRANK SUMMIT MUSIC HALL, DENVER
RED CITY RADIO 8/18 THEGAMITS, MARQUIS THEATER, DENVER
9/21 REHAB MARQUIS THEATER, DENVER
ABEL 8/20 SAVING MARQUIS THEATER, DENVER
BAD SEEDS 9/28 TOMORROW’S MARQUIS THEATER, DENVER
CENTURY 8/28 THIS MARQUIS THEATER, DENVER
CITY SOUNDTRACK 10/17 MOTION SUMMIT MUSIC HALL, DENVER
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Griz R
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The future is now. The future is now. M usic is in a state of mass confusion. Tumblr-wave is apparently a genre, Deadmau5 ripped off Skrillex (poorly) and saxophones have stumbled forth from the graveyards of adult contemporary stations onto usic the is in sunny a state beaches of mass of digital relevancy.Tumblr-wave So, in an confusion. interconnected world simultaneis apparently a genre, ously big andripped small, off howSkrillex can a Deadmau5 singular piece of original music (poorly) and saxophones have exist? Andforth do from we really need stumbled the gravemore completely original music? yards of adult contemporary staWhat’sonto wrong giving due tions the with sunny beaches diligence sounds that of digital torelevancy. So,haven’t in an fully been explored, them interconnected worldgiving simultanethe to how growcan into ouslyopportunity big and small, a something truly of amazing? singular piece original music Electro-soul luminary Griz exist? And do we really need is honest about his intention to more completely original music? breathe new life with into old favorites What’s wrong giving due by sampling classic that sounds and diligence to sounds haven’t artists fromexplored, the past, giving a technique fully been them dubbed today as sound collage. the opportunity to grow into Sound collages are like the something truly amazing? musical versionsluminary of microblogElectro-soul Griz ging or those photo postis honest about hismosaic intention to ers at Target. They different breathe new life into are old favorites than mashups, whichsounds don’t seem by sampling classic and capable of the prolonged success artists from past, a technique and aretoday definitely incapable of dubbed as sound collage. blossoming in the are mainstream, Sound collages like the mostly because, as microblogviolations musical versions of of intellectual property law, postthey ging or those photo mosaic are at unmarketable. are ers Target. They But are they different similar to mashups thatseem both than mashups, whichindon’t techniques exist insuccess a grey capable of often prolonged area are of legal limbo incapable that can get and definitely of artists into trouble. blossoming in the mainstream,
M
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Griz, who knows a bit about intellectual property law, explains it thus: “If some kid takes Bach’s Fifth or Britney Spears’ ‘Toxic,’ and adds some sub-bass to it, some new drums, and calls it their own, no one cares. But when that song starts getting mostly because, as violations 10,000 plays, property people start sayof intellectual law, they ing, ‘Go fuck yourself.’” are unmarketable. But they are Internet authoritiesinhave similar to mashups thattaken both down three often of Griz’s songs techniques exist in a from grey the websites SoundCloud area of legal limbo that can and get Mediafire, artists into including trouble. “Better Than I’veGriz, Everwho Been” anda abitDamien knows about Marley remix called law, “Ill Type intellectual property exMoves.” plains it thus: “If some kid takes “I’m Fifth sure orthere’s to Bach’s Britneymore Spears’ come, but notsome going to stop ‘Toxic,’ andI’m adds sub-bass what I’m doing,” Griz and says. “I to it, some new drums, calls they have But the itdon’t theirthink own, no should one cares. right to that do that.” when song starts getting After all, it’s not like he’s 10,000 plays, people start maksaying any He gives his muing, ‘Go money. fuck yourself.’” sicInternet away forauthorities free, in part because have taken websites such as SoundCloud down three of Griz’s songs from offer a great venue for feedback. the websites SoundCloud and “I’m not going to sell someone Mediafire, including “Better Than airwaves pushingand particles toI’ve Ever Been” a Damien wards your earscalled to catch. Marley remix “Ill That’s Type ridiculous,” he says. Moves.” Griz collabo“I’m has sure dreams there’s of more to rating with Billienot Holiday he come, but I’m going and to stop treasures vinyl Griz copy says. of Curwhat I’m his doing,” “I tis Mayfield’s Back to the World, don’t think they should have the facts to that him of a like mind right do put that.” with Kanye West. After all, it’s not like he’s makmightHe not like his to hear ing“People any money. gives muthis,away but Kanye my fasic for free,isinone partof because vorite dudes. extra, extra websites suchHe’s as SoundCloud
dope. work just so offer a His greatbeat venue for is feedback. cool.” says. “On someone his first “I’m notGriz going to sell album, airwavesCollege pushingDropout, particleshe’s togot track littleThat’s kids wards yourone earsthese to catch. singing ‘drug-dealing ridiculous,” he says. just to get by,Griz stacking money ‘tilofit collaboget sky has dreams high.’” Before evenand knew rating with BillieGriz Holiday he “what the whole thing was,” treasures his vinyl copy of West Curwas influencing the to way used tis Mayfield’s Back theheWorld, samples. facts that put him of a like mind While music executives might with Kanye West. believe they can’tnot market “People might like tosomehear
one stylistically to this, but Kanye is compatible one of my faWest, is an argument the vorite Griz dudes. He’s extra, to extra contrary. exactly a hudope. HisHe’s beatnot work is just so man but “On his music alcool.”megamix, Griz says. his first ways He masters album,bumps. College Dropout,it himhe’s self a way thatthese translates got in track one little from kids stage headphones better singingto‘drug-dealing just tothan get most similar artists. by, stacking money ‘til it get sky Recent GrizGriz singles “Youknew Got high.’” Before even to Change” andthing “Thewas,” Future is “what the whole West Now” shake off the theway same was influencing he sparused kling drops as RJD2 or classamples.
RIZ sicWhile Fatboy music Slim. Heexecutives does his might best work believe when they smoothing can’t market over someone chops of established stylisticallysongs, compatone ible of thetosigns West, thatGriz he’s is stillan growing argument musically. to the However, contrary.you He’scould not exactly argue that a human this is simply megamix, today’s but his rite of music passage always for bumps. any young, He masters talented artist. it himself in a way that translates from stage to headphones better than most similar artists. Recent Griz singles “You
Got to Change”GRIZ and IS “The FuSTEPPING OUT OF (appropriately titled “Grizmatik) ture is Now” shake off theMODE same and moving will debut at a North Coast MuSTEALTH sparkling drops as RJD2 to Boulder. He or releases his LP sic Festival after-party at House classic FatboyMad Slim. He does of Blues Chicago.Dom Expect a Liberation on Aug. 22, Grizand is stepping out ofinStealth somewhere along the way. his best workhe’s when smoothplaying Red Rocks release from the theproject with Gramatik mode with and moving to Boulder. HeduoAwithin new side ing over chops established releases LP Mad Liberation (appropriately titled “Grizmatik) will BigofGigantic in September be-his year. on Aug. 22, and he’s playing Red debut at a North Coast Music Fessongs, one offore theheading signs out thatwith them and with Big Gigantic in Sep- tival after-party at House of Blues he’s still growing musically. Adventure Club for a Rocks fall tour, temberwith before heading out with in Chicago. Expect a release from However, you could aargue releasing collaboration them and that this is simply today’s rite Dom somewhere along the way.Adventure Club for a fall the duo within the year. releasing a collaboration with of passage forA new any side young, tal- withtour, project Gramatik ented artist.
UPCOMING FOR GRIZ
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MUSIC
Photo pit
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Flosstradamus
Blues Traveler
Summit Music Hall 6.4.12
Red Rocks Amphitheater 7.4.12
ILL-Gates
Lazer Sword
Summit Music Hall 6.9.12
Bluebird Theater 6.8.12
Wilco
Polish Ambassador
Red Rocks Amphitheater 6.22.12
Bluebird Theater 6.21.12
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MUSIC
musi c news Because Kurt Loder’s old as shit. Coachella launches the Coachella Cruise.
The SS Coachella takes off from San Diego’s bro dock, is already at double capacity, and runs two consecutive weekends.
Tour insurers won’t let Katy Perry wear her spinning peppermint bra. We say it’s probably not a safety concern as much as it’s just too stupid.
Parasitic crustacean blood feeder discovered in Caribbean named after Bob Marley. Keith Richards was already taken.
Chumbawamba breaks up after 30 years as a band. They fell down but could not get back up again.
Jennifer Lopez and Enrique Iglesias set out on tour together.
If it were 1999 we still wouldn’t have cared.
AUGUST ALBUM RELEASES
A few of this month’s upcoming albums.
Toadies Play.Rock.Music Yeasayer Fragrant World Wiz Khalifa
O.N.I.E.C
MINus the bear Dan Deacon
Infinity Overhead
America
Bloc Party
Four
Rob zombie
Mondo Sex
The darkness Flobots
Hot Cakes
The Circle in the Square
Kreayshawn
Somethin’ ‘Bout Kreay
Win Sh*t Win a Rooster Vaporizer Win 2 tickets to Bass Invasion Win 2 tickets to Beta Back-to-School Win $60 to the Goose
Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine says he wants to punch people who only like one type of music. Pretty obvious, considering Maroon 5’s wide range of influences.
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Win two tickets to Camp Fest 2012 Win 2 tickets to Big Gigantic The TENTH person to find Each of the above RoosterS in this issue will WIN THE CORRESPONDING Prize. Emails should be sent to WINSHIT.Boulder@gmail.com by SHOW DATE correctly telling us where the RoosterS ARE located. Idiot, the above roosterS ARE not the correct roosterS.
Like us on Facebook for a chance to win more sh*t.
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Shot of the Month Michael Franti and Spearhead Red Rocks Amphitheater 6.8.12 Photo: Jules Kueffer
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ART TALK
Pencils, markers and the president’s portrait.
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Mike Graves Conceived in Lakewood, Colo., on July 7, 1977, in the backseat of a blue Ford Pinto, Mike Graves is now based in Denver and has been showing his art at local galleries for years. Recently, he sat down with Rooster to discuss his career, his favorite places to eat and how his travels have helped inspire and develop his signature style.
practice. I paint a ton, so that definitely helps. R: How has the environment around you inspired or affected the style of your daily creations? M.G.: I try to pay attention to little details, facial expressions, gestures, people’s reactions to situations and put those subtleties in my paintings. R: Do you listen to music while creating? If so, what genre or type of music interests or inspires you the most? M.G.: Not so much. I usually paint in the living room with bad reality television to distract me. It’s a
be traveling. Seeing other cities and the art in them always does the trick.
Markham Maes, Scot Lefavor, Emit, Jive, Joseph Martinez and Jaime Molina, just to name a few.
R: For lunch, a burrito with horchata or a cheeseburger with a coca-cola? M.G.: Burrito with green chili, no contest.
R: When did you first generate income from your art? M.G.: It really wasn’t until I moved to Hawaii, so around 2003.
R: How did you develop your signature character? It seems like it has become a consistent trademark of your style, recognizable to the eyes of fellow artists in the Denver community. M.G.: It slowly developed over the years. It just comes out that way when I sit down to draw. My
R: Where did you grow up? Where have you spent the majority of your life? M.G.: I grew up in Lakewood, just outside of Denver. After high school I moved to Congress Park, then Park Hill for a couple of years. I lived in Hawaii from 2003 to 2006 and I’ve been back in Denver since then.
R: Do you prefer gallery shows over commission-based work? M.G.: I really like aspects of both. Shows are great because I paint exactly what I what I want to, but on the other hand it’s fun to do the challenge of doing a commission. I love to make art, I’ll do it for whoever or wherever. R: How many art shows have you participated in to date? M.G.: I would have to say easily a hundred or so.
R: How were you first introduced to art? M.G.: It had to be early on in elementary school, mainly through comics and skateboarding.
R: What’s the lowest amount someone has offered for your art? Highest amount? M.G.: I’ve had people just want things for free, which always kind of amazes me. I’ve sold pieces for over $1000.00, which is always nice.
R: Were you instantly hooked on art? When did you feel like you were born to create? M.G.: I definitely loved drawing right away. It always seemed to come naturally.
R: Bike, car or public transportation? M.G.: I mainly drive because I need to carry tools for work. I am a carpenter by trade. I do love riding my bike though.
R: Which medium were you first introduced to? Have you continued to work with this medium? M.G.: I started off with pencils and pens. Then got into colored pencils and markers in high school. I still break out the markers every now and then just to make sure I still have it. R: How has your art matured? Or has it grown younger over time? M.G.: I think it’s like anything, you just slowly get better and more comfortable the more you
horrible addiction. My newest favorite is “Duck Dynasty.” I have been watching that a lot, and “Storage Wars” on occasion. My dog Atlas keeps me good company and enjoys them as well. R: What outside sources of inspiration have influenced your art? M.G.: The biggest influence has to
drawing style went from being very complicated, to “simplify” over time.
R: Which corporate clients have commissioned your art? M.G.: I’ve worked for Belvedere, Pabst Blue Ribbon, 944 Magazine (Las Vegas), SoBe and Crest Hardware (New York).
R: What artists do enjoy linking up with to create? Any favorite folks you enjoy working on projects with? M.G.: There’s a bunch, Denver has no shortage on talented people.
R: Coming up on the 2012 election, if you could paint a portrait of the president, what would it look like? M.G.: It would be cartoony for sure. I doubt he would be flattered.
Vitals
Sneaker size: 8 Nationality: English, Irish Beer: Modelo (for the moment) Quirk: wears white socks over black Art tool: brush Favorite restaurant: Hapa Sushi Fact: wears glasses and needs them bad Physical activities: skateboarding and snowboarding Tattoos: from Think Tank and tattoo artist Jef Kopp Handed: right Height: 7’ 1” Online work: www.roaneindustries.com
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NEWS
News made brief Because face it, who really cares? campaign trail
education
Ice-T gives credit
States say no to ‘pink slime’ Ice-T went on the Today Show in early June and said Barack Obama owed his presidency to the legacy of rap music. “If it wasn’t for rap, white people wouldn’t have been so open to vote for somebody like Barack Obama,” he said. After watching the interview Obama called Ice-T to thank him and the rest of the rap world for the presidency and to tell him to maybe keep his fucking mouth shut for the next few months.
FIRST AMENDMENT
Captain looks for Morgan
$20 for four-letter words
F@
The Captain Morgan Rum Company has begun excavating a shipwreck off the coast of Panama it believes was the flagship, Satisfaction, of notorious British pirate Henry Morgan, the company’s namesake. Though any booty recovered from the wreck will remain the property of Panama, the rum maker is hoping the find will boost the brand’s authenticity, which has been called into question by underage drinkers looking for a more genuinebranded buzz.
#K
Marketing
School districts across the nation have opted not to use ground beef that contains the product known as lean finely textured beef. The product, affectionately dubbed “pink slime,” is processed from fatty bits of beef and treated with ammonia to kill bacteria. While most of us are wondering why schools used this stuff in the first place, the only three states to choose to continue using the product—South Dakota, Iowa and Nebraska— are now busy preventing their kids from finding out what ammonia is.
MERGERS & ACQUISITIONS
ENTERTAINMENT
Microsoft goes for Yammer One-upping Facebook’s purchase of Instagram for $1 billion, Microsoft announced that it would purchase Yammer, an online social network for businesses, for $1.2 billion. The deal will expand Microsoft’s growing portfolio of cloud services and is expected to catch the company up in the race for social media supremacy. The deal also continues the recent trend of companies purchasing for ungodly amounts of money websites that none of us will be using in five years.
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Residents of Middleborough, Mass., recently voted to impose a $20 fine on anyone who utters profanities in public. The measure, which may or may not violate the First Amendment, was undertaken in response to the town’s frustrations with teenagers and drunks who sit in public parks or wander the streets yelling at each other using foul language. Asked one resident in response to the vote: “What the fuck are we supposed to use if we can’t say the fucking word fuck? Fuck.”
Cooper comes out CNN’s prime-time news anchor, Anderson Cooper, announced in early July that he is gay—“always have been, always will be.” Though Cooper’s sexuality has been an open secret for a long time, his recent acknowledgement of the fact opens the closet door for other TV news anchors to feel comfortable copping to their own proclivities. It also gets Cooper free admission to $10-open-bar “Big Gulp” Tuesday’s at New York City’s infamous gay bar The Cock.
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dear ibby Answering your questions that really matter. Holy threesome. Honestly, I think she joined in because she is too scared to let go of her husband, who is clearly not interested in having a monogamous relationship with her. Also, if she gets to share you equally with him, then it’s like they’re equally cheating on each other, which levels the playing field for her. I think if the wife was just interested in experimenting and getting crazy, she would have included you once or twice then cut that shit off. But since she wants you there at all times, it probably means she doesn’t want to confront her husband’s infidelity and would rather be in denial. I’d get out of there. Their marital problems are really none of your concern, and your friendship with their daughter isn’t worth not removing yourself from this weird fuck chain. Does she even know? I don’t think she’s going to be angry with you if you remove yourself from the equation—I think she’d thank you. She probably doesn’t want you having sex with her parents. If you’re worried about it, just don’t tell her. Also, stop fucking married men. Rude.
Dear Ibby, Is it normal to date a ventriloquist? Let’s think about this numerically. If normal is defined as 10 percent of the population, and there are 7 billion people in the world, that would mean there are 700,000,000 ventriloquists in the world. That’s around three times the population of India. Conclusion: There are not seven hundred million ventriloquists in the world and it is not normal to date one. You have a unique relationship. But ventriloquism is a performance art, and like many performance artists your ventriloquist is nothing like the characters he portrays or the acts he puts on. For him it’s really fun and challenging to be someone else; it’s difficult to be yourself and your puppet at the same time. As long as he’s not using his puppet to moan during sex or berate you when you’ve been bad, then you’re good.
Dear Ibby, I’ve been fucking a married man and was caught by his wife—who then wanted to join in. It was fun at first but now it’s always the three of us and it’s starting to get weird. I don’t know how to get out of the situation without serious ramifications since their daughter is one of my friends.
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Dear Ibby, So my cousin and I accidentally fucked at a kegger. Since then we have done it multiple times. We don’t want our friends and family to find out but we really like having sex with each other, we’re both really good at it (maybe it runs in the family?). How can this work without moving to the South? Wow, normal. Also, gross. Are you for real? What do you mean you “accidentally fucked”? Like you tripped and fell and your sex pieces just kind of came together? Anyway, apparently it happened. It’s probably really smart that you don’t tell your friends or family about it. Really smart. But if you want to keep practicing your weird incest incognito then you should never, ever hook up around your family. I’m blushing just thinking about you getting caught and the look on your poor mom’s face when she walks in on you. Also, don’t hook up, touch, sext, look at or breathe near each other when there are people you know hanging around. If you want this to work at all, you have to act like you would to a cousin that you’re not fucking, e.g. ambivalent and judgmental. As far as sneaking around and making it work, the best way to do it is to just bend the truth about what you’re doing. For example,
when your dad asks you where you are, say you’re at your cousin’s house watching a movie with a bunch of his or her friends. That way, you don’t have to completely make shit up and risk getting caught lying. And if your family questions why the two of you have been getting so close, just blame it on the incredible stress that being in a fucked up family causes you, and how so and so is the only one who understands what you’re going through. My final piece of advice is to please slap a condom on that dick, because if you end up having a child with your cousin it will look like a shriveled root vegetable.
Dear Ibby, I have a good relationship with my mom. I call her every week to talk and I love my family. Some girls say I’m a momma’s boy. I might be, but I think I’m just a caring son. Do you think this could be hurting my relationships and is it unattractive to have a strong relationship with my mom? I think not. The only people who judge you for having a good relationship with your mom are probably folks who have a terrible relationship with theirs. These lost souls can’t relate to the fact that your mom is kind of cool and you guys hang out, and so they’ll call you things like “momma’s boy” in order to compensate for their confusion about the whole issue. You need to find a mate who has similar family values as you, someone who also thinks his or her mom is a total badass and will think you’re sweet and hot and caring for being so close with your mom. But there’s a threshold. Having a good relationship with your mom and caring about her is entirely different than being obsessed with her. Ever seen “Psycho”? If you’re like that dude and would be willing nurture and talk to and carry around and dress up your deceased mother because you want to keep her around so badly, then I would lay off the bath salts and give your mom a breather.
Submit your friend’s embarassing questions to Roostermagazine@gmail.com.
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h a n n a H r a b o P e t a m s s a l C
ation
nd inform a s n io t a r e p Major: O management ker, Colo. r a P : n w o t e Hom upcakes C : d o o f e it r Favo weet tea S : k in r d e it Favor
>>
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ChopHouse Student Menu niGht? s l r i G ht? Guys niG ur niGht? , yo nt Menu en se stud u o h p on o Ch er pers
5 pe 2 $ y l n o
1st Course
Spinach and Artichoke Dip or Chicken Tenderlions
2nd Course
House Salad with fresh herb vinaigrette
3rd Course
11oz Top Sirlion Steak Served with white cheddar mashed potatoes and demi glace
Fontina & Sage Stuffed Pork Chop Served with port-rosemary sauce, apple chutney and wild rice-pecan pilaf
Roasted Half Chicken Served with asparagus and pan jus
Citrus Salmon Served with orange buerre blanc and wilted spinach
4th Course
New York Style Cheesecake
Add a bottle of wine for just $20. Price excludes tax and gratuity.
Welcome Back Students!
Join us with friends, classmates or that special person every Sunday thru Thursday and enjoy a 4 course meal for $25 per person with a valid student id. Also don’t forget Boulder’s best Happy Hour from 4-6 p.m. everyday. 40
921 Walnut Street Boulder, CO 80302 Phone: (303) 443-1188 Visit us at: www.boulderchophouse.com
Interview What are you doing this summer? This summer I’ve had the chance to be my own boss as a lifestyle and wedding photographer for the Denver area. Choosing to do my own thing, rather than work a more “steady” job, was scary at first but I have been blessed with amazing clients and a ton of work. I don’t get many conventional “weekends” but that was by choice! Beach or mountains? Mountains! I don’t think anything beats waking up everyday to the sun coming over the Flatirons. Your favorite thing about college? My favorite part about college is the independence that comes with it. The past years I’ve worked really hard to build my brand and work in different industries to really get a sense of what I want to do afterwards. What qualities do you like in a guy? Sweet, smart and tall. I have quite the shoe collection, so dating someone close to my height would be a no-no. Biggest turn off in a guy: When they don’t say how they feel. Just tell me, we can work through it. What’s your idea of a perfect date? Out to a nice dinner downtown and ice cream afterwards. What’s your biggest pet peeve? When you can tell someone is lying but they just keep going with it. What’s the best way to win you over? I love deep conversations. Some people hate it, but I love a good political debate. Dream job: I’m so fortunate to say I already have my dream job. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? A college graduate, a thriving business, married with the cutest little kids. What’s one thing you want to do before you die? Feel successful about my work. RIght now I feel content with what has come, but I am really critical of my work. If you turned into a man for a day, what would you do? Freak out. I’m too girly to pull that off well. Every girl should have: Pretty lingerie. Even if it’s only a secret! If you had to eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would you eat? My dad’s grilled chicken. I hope my future husband knows how to cook because I have high expectations from my daddy.
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blind date
Doing our part to make the world a better place.
Danielle
Round
1
Danielle is a witty young lady with a warm heart. Quiet and reserved at first, Danielle is anything but. Her ideal date would include shooting guns at the range followed by dinner and drinking. Her ideal date is someone easy to talk to, who she can relate with and can teach her new things. As long as he’s not a bro sporting a tank top, she will be friendly. We found just the right guy who doesn’t own a single tall-T.
Homegrown in the great state of Colorado, Evan brings the laid-back demeanor to the date hoping for the best and along for the ride. His ideal date would be blackout drunk at a derby demolition and a night of Def Leopard. His ideal girl should be witty, sporty and competitive. As long as she isn’t a recovering alcoholic like his last date— Evan drank and she watched—he’s down for anything. Let’s see how these two fare.
What were you thinking coming into this? D: Honestly, I was really nervous. I was expecting the worst and hoping for the best.
What were you thinking coming into this? E: I was kind of nervous. I’ve never been on a blind date. Don’t know if she could be the true one.
When was your last relationship? D: Six months ago.
When was your last relationship? E: Oh man, I’d say freshman year of college. It’s been awhile.
What are your first impressions? D: Really down to earth. He seems like a sweetheart.
What are your first impressions? E: She’s pretty cute. She’s like a Julia Roberts cute.
Did you tell anyone you were going on a blind date? D: Yes. I told some of my girlfriends.
Did you tell anyone you were going on a blind date? E: I told my mom. Not my roommates because they would have embarrassed me.
What advice did they give you? D. They gave me the worst advice. Try and take him home tonight, show lots of cleavage, wear something sexy. What do you think they’d say about the dater? D: I think they’d say he’s a sweetheart.
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Evan
What was the first thing you noticed about your date? D: His T-shirt, which his mom gave him. He’s wearing a T-shirt with a guitar on it. I complimented him.
What advice did they give you? E: My friends told me to limit my murder jokes and don’t refer to my cats as my children. What do you think they’d say about the dater? E: She’s a keeper. So far, does she meet any of these qualities? E: Yeah, I think so.
Running Club We are proud to announce the Walnut Brewery
Tuesday Evenings at 6pm
We invite runners and walkers of all fitness levels to gather at the Walnut Brewery on Tuesday evenings at 6pm where we will follow a 5K route down Boulder’s scenic urban trails and up its historic street. After arriving back at the restaurant to catch our breath, runners over 21 can rehydrate with $3 pints of our award winning hand-crafted beers. Each runner will also have the opportunity to order off of the special “Running Club Menu,” with a selection of healthy $6 meals.
The $6 Runner’s Menu Santa Fe Ranch Grilled Chicken Salad
Fresh grilled chicken, corn avocado, roasted red peppers, pico de gallo, black beans, Cheddar & Pepper Jack cheeses with Roasted Jalapeno Ranch Dressing. Topped with tempura-battered Anaheim peppers. Waldorf Salad
Oven-roasted chicken, sun-dried cherries, arugula, Gorgonzola,
candied walnuts, grapes & celery with Honey Mustard Vinaigrette. Spinach Salad
Feta cheese, bacon, egg, mushrooms, red onions & croutons tossed with Tangy Vinaigrette. Caprese Salad
Roma tomatoes layered with Mozzarella and spinach. Drizzled with balsamic and extra virgin olive oil.
Veggie Burger Silder
Three of our housemande veggie sliders served with dill pickles and mustard sauce. Comes with a side of fresh veggies. Buffalo Chicken Salad Crostini
Freshly grilled chicken blended with carrots, celery Bleu Cheese, mayonnaise, and our own buffalo sauce. Served with toasted herbed baguette.
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If you weren’t here what would you being doing tonight? D: I would be on girls’ night.
What was the first thing you noticed about your date? E: She wasn’t a dog face.
What were you worried about most coming on this date? D: That he would be mean and not good-looking.
If you weren’t on this date, what would you being doing tonight? E: Probably hanging out with my roommates watching “Hey Arnold.”
Do you have any rules when going on a date? D: Never have sex on a first date. What about the second date? D: No. Maybe after three or four.
What were you worried about most coming on this date? E: That she wouldn’t show up or that she would say a bunch of things about me—that I was sexist.
Are you physically attracted to your date? D: He’s cute.
Where do you see the night going? E: I don’t know, maybe we’ll go get some more drinks.
Is he your type? D: In general no, but after talking to him, yeah.
Are you physically attracted to your date? E: Yeah, she’s a cutie.
What odds do you give this of happening? D: 50-50.
What odds do you give this of happening? E: One in three chance that I don’t creep her out.
Round
2
What did you order? D: Chicken mole. It was good and very spicy, which I love. What’s been the best part about the date so far? D: Talking to Evan. What do you have in common? D: Music, sports, whiskey and liking dogs. Have your first impressions changed? D: No. What’s the most interesting thing you’ve learned about your date? D: He’s a writer. He likes to write fiction. How does he compare to other guys you’ve dated? D: I’ve only dated two other guys. He’s only a year older than me and it makes a huge difference, more relatable. What would your mom/dad say about this person? D: He’s too close to my age. My mom wants me to date someone who’s 30. She would like him though. Is there anything that surprises you? D: He drinks girly drinks. Do you see this going towards a second date? D: Maybe, yeah. Does he have big feet or hands? D: I didn’t pay attention. Do you think your date is a foreplayer or not? D: I think he wants to make the girl happy first.
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What did you order? E: Relleno with cheese and it was pretty delicious. Stuffed deliciousness. What’s been the best part about the date so far? E: Free food and drinks and shooting the shit. She’s a very witty and clever girl. What do you have in common? E: We both like whiskey. Have your first impressions changed? E: I think I got a little drunker and she’s looking even better. What’s the most interesting thing you’ve learned about your date? E: She’s a go-getter. She’s trying to find out what she wants to do but at the same time knows. How does she compare to other girls you’ve dated? E: She’s interesting. She’s not a recovering alcoholic. What would your mom/dad say about this person? E: She would probably say to bring her over for mostatrolli. Is there anything that surprised you? E: She doesn’t really care to talk about herself as much as she wants to talk about me. I like that. Do you see this going towards a second date? E: Yeah. Do you think your date is a foreplayer or not? E: She’s about foreplay.
romance
What did you do after Rooster left the restaurant? E: Went home and stalked her on Facebook. How would you rate the overall date experience on a scale from 1 to 10? E: 10, couldn’t have asked for a funner night Where did you feel a connection? E: I think we connected in that we both like to bullshit and cross lines.
Round
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What did you do after you left the restaurant? D: We went our separate ways. I went home but eventually ended up on Pearl with my girls.
What was the best part of the night? E: The guacamole show and buying everybody in the restauraunt a drink on the Rooster. Ha! Would you go on another date with her? E: We shall see...
How would you rate the overall date experience on a scale from 1 to 10? D: 7 Where did you feel a connection? Or was there not a connection? D: The conversation was good but I got more of a friend connection. What was the best part of the night? D: It was my first blind date so I’d have to say that it was an overall good time. Plus, the drinks were awesome. Would you go on another date with him? D: Probably not.
Conclusion
Love was in the making. Whether it was the tequila or a true spark, we don’t know. All we know is that the two daters drank and laughed for almost three hours. We hoped that something more would come of these two down the road. Before we could put a mark in the win column, things took a turn in the third round. We’ll see what comes of this date.
Submit a Dater
Free dinner, drinks and company. If you have lonely friends, hook them up with the Rooster Blind Date. Send a photo, description and the type of person they are looking for to RoosterMagazine@ gmail.com. Romance is in the air, people—we can feel it in our bones. 45
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food
Never forget: Products from the past They might be discontinued, but the health effects will live on forever. Crystal Pepsi
Released in 1992, Crystal Pepsi was a clear form of cola devoid of caramel coloring. When Vanilla Ice fans became healthconscious consumers Pepsi wanted a piece of the pie and believed Crystal Pepsi’s clear aesthetic would equate to a healthier soda. In its first year, sales of the soda topped the charts, only to tank faster than Frankie Muniz’s career. A successful launch in Mexico in recent years has given rise to talk of a comeback, but while our hearts say yes, our taste buds say no.
ZIMA
Zima was the Mike’s Hard Lemonade of the 90s. No matter how hard Coors tried to market the shit out of this near-clear carbonated citrus beverage, no one cared for it. That was until it was rumored that Zima’s alcohol content was undetectable on your standard Breathalyzer. Teenagers flocked to this wine-cooler alternative, developing their own unique combination of Zima and Jolly Rancher drinks. In 2008, after a long and arduous battle, Coors threw in the towel and brought Zima off the shelves. America teenagers lost a bit of their souls that day, while teenagers in Japan, where Zima is still produced and marketed, still enjoy the thirst-quenching fizz of our second-hand coolness.
MR. PIBB
Companies hate when their competitors develop niche products that transform the market from easy sailing to a big pain in the ass. Coca Cola got pissed that Dr. Pepper was kicking the shit out of the plum-flavored soft drink market, so in 1972 the company said fuck you and launched Mr. Pibb, which they originally tried to name Peppo. Of course, Dr. Pepper sued and Coca Cola changed the name to Mr. Pibb. The soft drink went on to live for thirty years until it was transformed into Mr. Pibb Xtra and branded as a “Spicy Cherry Cola.” If the market rejects you once, just say fuck it and try again under a different name.
CEREALS That Didn’t quite make it French Toast Crunch Banking on the universal concept that people like French toast and cereal, General Mills launched its breakfast sensation French Toast Crunch in 1995. But consumers didn’t like the combination and the cereal was laid to rest in 2006.
Oreo O’s
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Rice Krispies Treats Oreos and milk seem like the perfect fit. One bite of the mini oreos and you quickly realized the cream filling wasn’t quite the same as the actual cookie. Launched in 1998, the plug was pulled on this cereal in 2007.
Sadly, rice Krispie Treats Cereal succumbed to the same meager existence as its friend the Oreo when it attempted to reinvent itself as a breakfast cereal. The cereal disappeared from shelves sometime during the 90s.
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SQUEEZIT
To parents, squeezits were a plastic syringe of colored sugar-water fueling cracked-out kids and increased visits to the dentist. To kids, they were a sugar addiction you couldn’t kick. Released in 1980, the “fruit” soft drink packaged in a squeezable plastic bottle helped wash down scores of Gobstoppers inconveniently lodged Jujubes. For more than twenty years, Squeezits
BUTTERFINGER BB’s
scorched the competition with such tantalizing flavors as Silly Billy Strawberry, Grumpy Grape and Chucklin’ Cherry. In 2001, however, General Mills—realizing the shit might be bad for you—ceased production of this crack for kids. Not surprisingly, an Internet petition for the return of Squeezits has received more than 6,000 signatures. This is, after all, ‘Merica.
“Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger BB’s” was the saying until Nestle dropped this candy bar spin-off in 2006. Originally released in 1990, these caramel and peanut butter chocolate candy bites were Nestle’s answer to Whoppers and Maltesers. However, not even Bart Simpson could save this discontinued movie-theater snack from its inevitable
MTN DEW PITCH BLACK
Researchers at Pepsi seem to produce new products every twenty-four hours—products that mostly fail. Released in 2004, just in time for the Halloween season, Mountain Dew Pitch Black was a grape alternative to its popular piss-green cousin. Although Ca-
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nadian restrictions required that Pepsi remove the soda’s high caffeine content, America welcomed Pitch Black with open arms—until it was discontinued in May 2005. Now underage kids have to go all the way to New Zealand to get their fix.
Batman Cereal There isn’t much to this cereal. Hell, we don’t even know what’s in it. But when we laid eyes on the cereal box with the batman emblem, we couldn’t have been more excited. Coinciding with the first Batman movie, the cereal dropped in 1989, the same year it was also discontinued.
doom. But then it got worse. In 2009, Nestle launched Butterfinger Buzz, which contained more than 80mg of caffeine, in an attempt to siphon some profits from the energy drink craze. Not surprisingly, Buzz bombed.
In 2000, a productive executive at H.J. Heinz Company, founders and producers of Heinz Ketchup, envisioned a world where ketchup would be produced in purple and green colors. Putting the fun back into condiments, EZ Squirts was placed on shelves and aimed directly at kids. Looking like the
Pop Tart Crunch Shrink down the Pop Tart, give it a crunch, and valla, you have a cereal. That’s exactly what Kellogg’s did when it created Pop Tarts Crunch in 1995. Sadly, the idea died shortly after launch and Pop Tarts returned back to their place of belonging: Toasterland.
shit spewed during a show on Nickelodeon, EZ Squirts failed to make an impression on our youth. The product was discontinued in 2006 and consumers went back to their mundane lifestyles of plain red ketchup and drab yellow mustard.
Waffle Crisp Post described their 1996 cereal creation as “waffalicious.” Packed with your daily vitamins and minerals, who wouldn’t want a bowl of happiness? Well, the general public. Waffle Crisps was pulled in 2008.