The Windy South Easter

THE WINDY SOUTH EASTER Written by Rowen Smith

Rowen.work@gmail.com 0796470077

GUY (V.O.) Cape Town’s population of females exceeds the males 3 to 1. An average Capetonian guy can get solid sex at least 19 times every 7 days, if he plays his cards right.

Wake and bake stoner sex just before the De Waal Drive traffic explosion. La siesta sex at 13:40 after buying her lunch at the Cape Quarter and a midnight hookup if Rafiki’s isn’t vibing. This carries on until Friday. Saturdays you hope to land yourself a rich black chick and Sundays are made for German back packers...My name is Guy and I’m not an average Capetonian.

FADE IN: INT. TRADITIONAL BARBER SHOP - DAY We’re inside a classic old town barber shop. A young man takes a seat on the soft leather working chair. This is GUY(25). He’s scruffy-handsome.

Guy notices a trendy hairstyle magazine on the counter in front of him. Except for Guy, the shop is lifeless. While waiting, he browses the magazine from cover to cover.

A neatly dressed barber steps in behind Guy and rests his arms on shoulders. This is TONI(50). He’s a short Italian.

TONI Hello it’s been a while hey. What are we doing today?

GUY I’m not quite sure hey, maybe just trim it down on the sides and keep it long on top.

TONI Hmmm...

GUY I’m just looking for something new, something different. What do you think about this one?

Guy points at the centerfold.

2.

TONI The windy South Easter.

Guy smiles.

GUY Sounds Cool.

Toni starts trimming the back and the two men make typical barbershop small talk.

GUY (V.O.) (CONT’D) I never had a solid girlfriend, never had that 1st month anniversary. I don’t even know how to spell the word anniversary ...If you think about it, it’s just another month, or two or 6 or a year or 6 years of committing your sex life to one person. The Cosmo calls it Monogamy. I call it bullshit.

TITLE CARD: The Windy South Easter or (The Vagina Monologues) or (Skinny love) or (Keep calm and Carry on) - all working titles EXT. MOUNTAIN ROUTE HIGH WAY - AFTERNOON The sun sets over the horizon. It makes a purplish blue tint that reflects over the calm ocean surface.

Guy is driving his Vespa along the mountain pass.

GUY (V.O.) What magazines don’t mention in their sleazy 500 word article’s is that not only do lose your balls in the matter, but you lose, Everything! Goodbye lunchtime, goodbye beer O clock goodbye Monday nights, Tuesday nights, goodbye all week.. Weekends belong to her, the tv remote, my electric shaver, my toothbrush, my towels, my limited edition kings of Leon T-shirt and worst of all, goodbye FIFA 13. Oh and remember - They’re all born to do one thing.. Interior design and they make sure you know it.

3.

EXT. SEMI-SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - DUSK TRACK behind the huge Oak trees following Guy as he drives through shorter and narrower streets with suburbia all around.

GUY (V.O.) So burn your Bob Marley Poster and hide away your vintage porn collection. If the sex is good, why not see I through, but at the end of the day Monogamy is bullshit.

Bullshit indeed.

EXT. VICTORIAN APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT A narrow cobblestone enclosure with a single night lamp setting a warm cool mood. Vines entangled all the way up to the second storey window. Guy’s Vespa is parked outside.

This is his place.

INT. GUY’S PLACE - LATER Guy makes his way up the steps, circling round and round. He check’s his mail quickly before entering his apartment.

We’re inside a open planned studio. Guy is seen chopping vegetables in the kitchen.

Steak grills on the stove. Wine is poured. Pepper sprinkled on a rocket salad, end it off with a touch of dry red.

CUT TO: EXT. BALCONY - NIGHT Guy’s outside on a wooden balcony talking to his MOTHER, on the phone while smoking.

GUY (into phone) Mmmm ja, ja ma, okay ma. Werk is goed, ons gaan maar aan, die seisoen het nounet begin en uhm...

She rudely interrupts.

MOTHER (O.S.) Rook jy?

4.

He EXHALES. GUY Neenee ek, nee dis seker die slegte opvangs hier. Die wind waai uh en ag die berg en als..

Awkward SILENCE. MOTHER (O.S.) Oh, wel Monja wil gou met jou praat. Hier kom sy.

MONJA (O.S.) Hallo Boetie!

CUT TO: INT. HOMEY LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS CLOSE UP on MONJA(21). Her pretty blonde hair is tied up, still damp from an evening shower.

GUY (O.S.) Hey whatsup sissa, wat maak jy?

I/E. BALCONY - NIGHT Guy sips his wine.

MONJA (O.S.) (into telephone) Ma se vir my sy dink jy’t begin rook.

He chokes.

GUY Oh ja, ek het totally begin rook.

Ek double clutch al ‘n pakkie ‘n dag.

We hear Monja giggling.

MONJA (O.S.) So het jy al jou pos vandag gelees?

GUY Het jy alweer ‘n cool briefie vir my getik oor hoe ek die beste broer in die wereld is?

5.

She giggles again.

Guy crosses into his place towards his home office.

MONJA (O.S.) Gaan kyk gou, ek het dit gister al gepos.

He scans through heaps of mail amongst other random items on his unorganized desk and finds a flowery envelope tied up with a ribbon.

GUY Hou vas, ek dink ek sien iets.

He opens it starts speed reading.

MONJA (O.S.) Dis bruin met ligte groen blomme op en dis vasgebind met n beige lind.

For a moment he pauses, looking surprised even. He digs inside his cooking robe for his reading glasses.

INT. HOMEY LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS SILENCE. MONJA Kry jy dit?

Her excitement fades.

MONJA (CONT’D) Hallo. Guy? INT. GUY’S PLACE - CONTINUOUS Guy is reading. It's a soft cover printed manila colored paper with ink text. A PHOTO of Monja and BRINK(30) bald and buff, is watermarked on it.

GUY (mumbles) Dear friends and family. You have been invited to the beloved engagement of Monja and Brink.

The moment is too overwhelming and he puts the cellphone on the office table. We hear Monja’s VOICE from below.

6.

MONJA (O.S.) Hallo, Guy. Sien jy dit? Guy! He takes the phone again.

GUY (into phone) Hi, nee ek sien dit nie. Ek sal more kyk...Ag die wind waai en opvangs is sleg vannand.

EXT. BACK ALLEY LOADING BAY - DAY A delivery-van’s two back doors flap open and a BLACK DELIVERY MAN(19) starts unloading crates of eggs onto a pushing trolley.

He closes up and we MOVE with him as he pushes the trolley inside an artisan bakery.

INT. ARTISAN BAKERY - DAY It’s still early days and we’re inside a cozy looking sidewalk restaurant at the V&A Waterfront Guy’s at the teller talking to the STELLA(33) the head chef, she’s a minx.

STELLA En wat’s jou planne vir dienaweek?

GUY Ek het ‘n ding in die kaap aan vannand.

STELLA Ernstig? Ek ry ook more deur vir die Rugby by Newlands. Wat gaan jy daar maak?

GUY Dis my sister se verlowing’s dinee.

STELLA Regtig? Geluk man, vat jy ‘n date saam?

GUY Hoe ken jy my?

She smiles and hands him an invoice book.

7.

GUY (CONT’D) Thanx. Dalk loop ons in mekaar vas.

STELLA Ag ma natuurlik. Kaapstad is tog so klein ou plekkie.

Guy leaves and we OLD ON Stella biting her pen.

INT. SEASIDE RESTAURANT - NIGHT Guy jogs up a wooden staircase. In his hand is a flower bushel and a white letter tied up with the beige ribbon.

TING TING TING! - A wineglass is lifted for a salutation.

BRINK(32) a firm man, gets up to make a toast. Guest simmer down.

Monja’s eye is on the door.

BRINK Naand almal. ek dink dis tyd vir n heildronk. Vir die van julle wat my nog nie ken nie, Ek’s Brink Lategan. Dankie dat almal gekom het. Soos julle weet is ek en Minkie al 8 jaar saam, Monja, waar is sy? kom hier babes.

We hear a door SCREECH. Everyone turns their heads to the door. Guy enters and It’s SILENT all round. He takes the first chair he see’s and sits down, smiling at Monja.

She’s happy to see him.

EXT. SEASIDE BALCONY - NIGHT There’s a slight breeze out where the SMOKER’s are gathered.

Guy is there amongst them.

SOMEONE taps him on the shoulder. He turns around. In front of him is a short-ish pretty blonde. This is Minkie(21).

MINKIE Hey is jy Monja se broer?

GUY Yes dis ek.

MINKIE Ek’s Minkie.

8.

GUY Soos Minkie van der Westhuizen?

MINKIE Ja, maar eks gladnie soos sy nie, sy’s ‘n bietjie van n kloosterkoek.

GUY Cool.

(Beat) Is jy een van my sister se skool friende?

MINKIE Ek’s Brink se Jonger sister, ek swat in Stellenbosch.

GUY Cool, wat swat jy?

MINKIE Ag ma net ‘n algemene BA en jy?

GUY Ek’s van Hermanus.

MINKIE Ek love Herms..Shimmies is awesome!

GUY Weet jy waar ek dagga kan kry hierrond?

MINKIE Uh, nee..My pa se as jy rook verloor jy jou identiteit.

GUY En jy glo hom?

Minkie looks confused. Guy flicks his bud into the wind and goes back inside.

MINKIE Dit was nice om jou te ontmoet.

INT. BAR - LATER The party is getting heated.

Guy’s at the bar drinking one shot after the other. Monja takes the seat next to him.

9.

MONJA Dankie dat jy gekom het Boetie.

Guy gives her the flowers and envelope. She looks at the envelope and smiles then grabs him tight.

MONJA (CONT’D) (whispers) Dankie boetie, eks lief vir jou.

She kisses his scruffy beard.

GUY Dis ‘n baie intense party die.

MONJA Ja Brink en sy vriende is crazy.

GUY Ek dog ma hulle kom af?

MONJA Brink sou vir ma hulle betaal , maar toe het iets by sy werk voorgeval.

GUY Oh. MONJA Hoe gaan dit in Hermanus?

GUY Dit gaan actually baie goed. Ek het nog 3 kliente by gekry die maand.

MONJA en die ding vir Cosmo? Wat her daar gebeur?

GUY Nee hulle het nognie reply nie.

Brink grabs Guy around the neck unexpectedly.

BRINK Wie’s die ou wat so met my baby gesels?

MONJA Dis Guy. BRINK Guy watse guy is jy?

10.

MONJA My broer Guy. Brink lets go of him.

BRINK Oh is dit jou ouer broer. Sorry boet. Brink Lategan, aangename kennis.

GUY Guy. They shake hands.

EXT. DOWNSTAIRS COFFEE BAR - NIGHT The last DRUNKEN COUPLE slumber down the staircase and leave the premises.

Guy sits with an espresso, looking at the waves crashing against the rocks.

Minkie takes the seat across him. She’s drunk.

MINKIE Heeeeey Guy GUY Minkie wat se jy.

MINKIE Ek’s so dronk, fok. Oops She giggles.

GUY Drink dit.

He offers her his espresso. She takes it and downs the whole thing.

MINKIE Eina. Dit het my tong gebrand.

She feels her tung. Guy is amused with Minkie’s child-like drunken state.

MINKIE (CONT’D) (whispers) Hey, hey...kom hoor hier.

Guy questions the moment.

11.

MINKIE (CONT’D) (whispers) Kom-hieso.

She grabs his tie and he comes closer to her. Minkie whispers in his ear.

MINKIE (CONT’D) Het jy al aaptwak gekry? jy weet, dagga. Weeeeed. Gandja!

She giggles.

GUY Mense wat dagga rook verloor hulle identeit.

MINKIE Fok man, het jy nou dagga of nie, want ek wil hoog raak.

GUY Jy kan n bong kom rook by my flat.

MINKIE Het jy ‘n bong.

GUY ‘n yoda bong.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT Guy’s on the phone with a mate of his. GREG(25) GUY (into phone) Greg whatsup man, listen can you do me a fucking massive favor.

INT. GREGG’S PLACE - NIGHT A massive LCD Flatron with FIFA 13’s main interface on screen.

Greg’s half dazed from a long nap.

GREG Sure man whatsup?

12.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT Minkie is flirting with the CAR GUAR outside. Guy walks over to get her.

GUY Sorry oaks, she’s with me.

MINKIE Bye Tshepo..

She giggles. Guy lifts her onto his shoulder.

MINKIE (CONT’D) Yoda bong yoda bong!

EXT. GREGG’S PLACE - LATER BUZZ BUZZ! We’re outside Gregg’s complex somewhere in Cape town City Bowl. Guy’s pressing the buzzer and Minkie vomits in a bin by the nearest tree.

INT. GREGG’S PLACE - LATER A Yoda bong on a small coffee table.

Guy and Gregg are in the kitchen drinking some honey tea.

GREGG Bro your doll is out.

They look at Minkie passed out on the couch.

GREGG (CONT’D) looks like master yoda did it again.

They laugh.

GUY Lets hit a Gampy Fifa?

GREGG Actually I was thinking we hit the town.

GUY It’s two o clock in the morning.

13.

GREGG Perfect timing.

INT. LONG STREET BAR - NIGHT Gregg’s chatting up a few girls at a table. They’re into him.

EXT. UPPER KLOOF - DUSK Guy pushes his Vespa up the road. The hill is quite steep and he stops for a moment. As he wipes his sweaty fringe out of his eyes we hear a CUTE GIRLY SHOUT. LANE (O.S.) Hey! Looks like you need some help there boy.

Guy stops and tries to find the shouting voice.

GUY What?

LANE I said, do you want me to come and help you push?

This is LANE(23), Shouting from her second floor apartment.

GUY Uh, I’m actually fine, I’m about to phone a mate of mine so it will be chilled hey.

LANE Bullshit. I’m coming down.

EXT. UPPER KLOOF - CONTINUOUS She runs out of her flat. Guy is quite amused by her petite girly look.

LANE Hi I’m Lane.

GUY Lane? That’s a really cool name.

LANE Ahw Thanx boy. What’s your name?

14.

GUY I’m guy.

LANE Oh. Hi Guy He laughs.

LANE (CONT’D) Why are you laughing?

GUY Sorry, it’s just.. You have a really nice voice. It’s sweet.

LANE Aaahw. Dankeee.

For a moment they stare deeply into each other’s eyes and smile.

GUY So are you gonna help me push this thing or not madam?

We then hear a MAN SHOUTING from her apartment window. This is MATT(25) English Surfer-dude MATT Babe What’s happening down there?

Guy and Lane look at him.

GUY Who’s that guy?

LANE That’s Matt, he’s my ex.

MATT (to Guy) Yo dude.

EXT. SOMERSET WEST GARAGE - MIDDAY GUY Thanx a lot hey.

MATT Don’t mention it bro. Babe, you want anything from the shop?

15.

LANE Nah I’m alright.

Matt is off to buy some snacks at the Engen Quick Stop.

GUY Thanx for doing this, you really didn’t have to.

LANE A friend in need is a friend in deed.

Guy smiles.

GUY Is it weird if I ask you something?

LANE Depends on what you ask boy.

GUY If he’s your ex, why do you guys still hang out?

LANE I think your crossing the line with that one boy.

GUY Sorry, was just curious.

It’s awkward between them.

LANE I think I’m gonna go in.

GUY Oh okay, well thanx so much, maybe ill see you around.

LANE It was nice meeting.

She turns around and walks into the shop.

LANE (CONT’D) Bye Guy! She smiles.

GUY (to himself) Bye. Lane.

16.

EXT. FARMLAND - DAY The Silhouette of a cock on long wire fence, CROWING as the Sun rises.

GUY (V.O.) Wow what a weekend, I never thought things would go this route. After being dumped by that Delila, I used to stay indoor’s a lot.

Guy get’s an invoice from a FARMER while a few BLACK FARM WORKERS load crates of lettuce into the back of his van.

EXT. FARMROAD - LATER Guy driving the through scenic farmland.

GUY (V.O.) I started painting again, did some writing, applied for a new job, one I’m actually good at.

INT. HYDROPHONIC MUSHROOM FACTORY - LATER Sprouting mushrooms are sprinkled with water dust. Guy’s with another FARMER who’s signing a contract. LABOURERS carry trays of mushrooms from the factory towards his Van. GUY (V.O.) Being one of the only organic food supplier’s in the Western Cape was great, Don’t get me wrong, but it all became so dull.

INT. HARBOUR RESTAURANT - DAY Guy sits at a table in the corner. A WAITRESS steps into frame and places a cup of coffee on the table and leaves.

GUY (V.O.) It was like unsalted sirloin served with glass of water, but I wanted more, I wanted some wine with my steak and after this weekend, well.

It seem’s like the Windy South Easter was worth the 200 it cost me.

17.

He stares at the TRAINEE COOK’s carrying organic goods from his van into the kitchen. Guy wipes his fringe out of his face.

STUCK!!!! WHY!!! FLIPPIT!!!

INT. MODERN LOFT - MORNING Guy lay’s naked, partially covered in soft linen on Abby’s queen sized bed. He’s going through Abby’s art portfolio.

Abby’s sits on the window pane, rolling herself a fag.

ABBY Guy. Guy looks at her.

ABBY (CONT’D) Do you like my tits?

GUY These black and white stills are really good.

ABBY I think I want to get them enlarged soon.

GUY I really like this one.

He points the portfolio to her with a photograph of a black girl from the townships, holding the hand of her baby brother at a zebra crossing.

ABBY (sigh) Guy. She joins him on the bed.

ABBY (CONT’D) What do you think about my tits?

GUY Uhm..

ABBY Just tell me, do you like them.

18.

GUY Yeah. Yes. Your breasts are...

She interrupts.

ABBY Then don’t you take my bra off when you fuck me?

GUY Woah! Hold on, where is this coming from?

ABBY My tits are too small aren’t they?

GUY There’s nothing wrong with how you look. Small tits, big tits. Guy’s don’t really care about that stuff.

ABBY Then what do guys care about?

GUY I don’t know what other guys want.

ABBY ...and what do you want?

Guy puts down the portfolio and looks at Abby with a calming sense of uncertainty.

EXT. BEACH - MORNING Guy sits by the beach alone.

EXT. WEDDING BARN - NIGHT EXT. WEDDING BARN - DAY Family and friends are all gathered outside a small wedding chapel.

INT. BRIDE’S DRESSINGROOM - DAY Monja stands on a wooden chair in the centre of the room with Minkie behind her, doing the last touch ups on her dress.

19.

INT. CHAPEL - DAY I/E. LA ROCHELLE - DAY We’re inside a packed beach-front restaurant called La Rochelle. It’s peak hour and the place is full.

Guy walks from the kitchen counter through the separation door. He grabs his helmet and keys from the kind and lovely HOSTESS on his way out.

In the street he lights up a cigarette. Then something catches his eye across the road.

It’s a stunning REDHEAD hidden in a crowd of MUNDANE passersby.

Frenchie is intrigued, but she’s too far away. He drops his sunglasses get a better look, but she turns the corner. With a sudden impulse he decides to go for it and meet this mystery girl and as he kills his budd we hear and UNKNOWN FEMALE VOICE calling from behind him.

UNKNOWN FEMALE VOICE Guy is that you?

Guy turns around.

FADE TO BLACK. EXT. WINE FARM - DUSK A group of friends are drinking wine and conversing around a table.

Guy is not far off, talking to his mother on the phone again.

MOTHER (O.S.) Het jy nou al n pak vir die troue?

GUY (into phone) Ek gaan sommer my matriek pak aantrek, hy pas my nog MOTHER (O.S.) Nee man gaan kry iets oordentlik, daar gaan baie mense wees. En daai pak is al gaar.

20.

GUY (into phone) Ek het nie regtig tyd vir shopping doen nie.

Someone CALLS him back to the table.

GUY (CONT’D) Ma kan ons later oor alles gesels, die mense soek my.

Mother carries on babbling. Guy shuts his phone.

We hear a CHEER from everyone at the table.

GUY (V.O.) (CONT’D) My ex girlfriend would have loved it here, Vicky used to love wine, She preferred Robertson’s natural sweet red rose. Classy enough to look cool in front of her lame UCT friends, and cheap enough to get loose in the bedroom...

INT. VICKY’S PLACE - NIGHT GUY (V.O.) She was a bit of a wild child from the start, I picked up on it, but once her tits was in my mouth, I forgot all about it. Sex was out of the question with this girl. On a good day we would hang out, watch a movie, make out, then I would start undressing her and before you know it, I've got my head between her legs for two hours straight. No breaks.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY Vicky is in sexy underwear, looking for a pair of shoes to wear.

GUY (V.O.) Vicky had a nice face. Small boobs to compliments her rather pear shaped ass. She never stopped talking about how fat she was getting, yet she would never stop talking about food. She would say things like.

21.

Vicky turns around and faces guy, who’s reading the Cosmo.

VICKY Guy, what are we gonna eat today?

What am I gonna wear today? Did your mommy pay your allowance so we can have a good time or once? I need new shoes these ones aren’t kitch anymore.

GUY First of all. Hi good morning.

Secondly, I’ve still got a morning glory and I’m shy and thirdly, you do look fat in those.

Vicky poses infront of her fullsized mirror.

EXT. BUSHES - DAY Guy drunk as a bum, steps out of a bush where he had a nap.

He looks fucked and walks back to his Vespa in the streets of Stellenbosch.

He passes female hostels, girls open their window’s and check him out.

GUY (V.O.) Soos ek kan onthou was dit gewoonlik die meisies wat die walk of shame doen saterdae oggende na ‘n prettige sletterige in die strate van stellies...Ek’t myself misgis.

EXT. GUY’S PLACE - MORNING Guy is up with an espresso and a cigarette outside on the balcony staring at the Mother City waking up.

GUY (V.O.) In 2 days Ill be at the wedding, my sister’s wedding, alone, on my own, without a date. I don’t know how it came to this... I never saw myself at age 25, with no-one. Nobody to share my day with, nobody to take to Knysna, or Mosselbaai. Heck, I don’t even have a random hookup on a lonely summer’s night if you know what I mean. Well that’s all about to change.

22.

EXT. KLOOF STREET - DAY Guy walks down Kloof Street with illuminated confidence. Two blonde girls in gym clothing pass him, they smile at him.

EXT. MARINE PROMANADE - AFTERNOON A mass body of young men and woman do yoga on the grass by the sea.

Guy surrounded by pretty girls. He smiles at a short haired brunette.

She is coy.

EXT. ENCLOSED BAY - SUNSET With no one around in an enclosed rocky bay, we see Guy undressing the brunette passionately making out.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT TRACK along the grillers to reveal Guy pounding Nadine, the head chef, in the back pantry.

EXT. CHAPEL - DAY