/1982_0612_B

UNO I N KNOCKS OFF REFECTORY FLAT Gouldieri seizes power Imperial College was thrown into confusion yesterday when the newly elected leader of IC Union, Presidente Gouldieri, lead a surprise attack on the refectory flat, formerly College property. Gouldieri's forces were virtually unopposed and have taken comple control of that part of the Union Building.

T h e U n i o n has l o n g h a d c l a i m s to the flat, w h i c h they refer to as El Shoppes Knockerros, a n d have been n e g o t i a t i n g its a q u i s i t i o n for m a n y years.

T h e attack c a m e as a c o m p l e t e surprise to C o l l e g e , w h o t o l d F E E L S I C K they o n l y k n e w a b o u t it a c o u p l e o f weeks ago a n d h a d no t i m e to p r e p a r e a n a d e q u a t e defence. I n a statement C o l l e g e s u p r e m o L o r d F l o w e r s d e s c r i b e d the m o v e as " d i s g r a c e f u l " a n d said that he i n t e n d e d to send i n the S E S ( S p e c i a l Estates Service) to retake the flat i m m e d i a t e l y . U n f o r t u n a t e l y they w i l l take at least three weeks to r e a c h the U n i o n b u i l d i n g , so i n t e r m e d i a t e measures a r e r e q u i r e d D o m e s t i c Secretary C a p t a i n L i n d l e y issued a n i m m e d i a t e c o m m u n i q u e to the o c c u p a n t s o f the flat u r g i n g t h e m to " g e t out o r I m i g h t get n a s t y " . It is r u m o u r e d that the C a p t a i n has for m a n y years been i t c h i n g to see ac ti v e service a g a i n , ever since he took part i n a m a j o r o p e r a t i o n s t o r m i n g a t i n shed o n the F i r t h o f F o r t h . H o w e v e r sources i n the S h e r f i e l d B u i l d i n g later i n f o r m e d F E E L S I C K that the C a p t a i n h a d been d e t a i n e d for a n i n f i n i t e p e r i o d , as he was i n a meeting.

T h e most l i k e l y course o f a c t i o n seems to be a b l o c k a d e a n d e v e n t u a l assault o n the b u i l d i n g . T o g r i n d d o w n the m o r a l e of the o c c u p y i n g forces it is b e l e i v e d that M r M o o n e y , C o l l e g e R e f e c t o r y M a n a g e r intends to send i n food parcels. A n a t t e m p t to broadcast 2 4 - h o u r repeats of S T O I C p r o g r a m m e s to the U n i o n forces w o u l d , of course, be h a l t e d u n d e r the G e n e v a C o n v e n t i o n as a v i o l a t i o n of basic h u m a n rights. H o w e v e r it seems l i k e l y that mass h y s t e r i a c o u l d be i n d u c e d b y b r o a d c a s t i n g the R e c t o r ' s Freshers speech.

T h e R e f e c t o r y F l a t is i n a n inaccessible p o s i t i o n , m a k i n g a n assault e x t r e m e l y difficult. F E E L S I C K was i n f o r m e d e a r l i e r today that a g r o u p of residents f r o m the S o u t h s i d e penthouse flats were to be e m p l o y e d as t h e y h a v e e v e r y d a y e x p e r i e n c e i n t h e u s e o f r o p e s , g r a p p l i n g irons a n d c r a m p o n s i n s c a l i n g S o u t h s i d e to r e a c h t h e i r rooms.

S i n c e the takeover there has been feverish d i p l o m a t i c a c t i v i t y o n bot h sides of P r i n c e C o n s o r t R o a d . T h e r e have a l r e a d y been calls for the r e s i g n a t i o n o f C o l l e g e S e c r e t a r y J o h n S m i t h .

Morton on Drugs!

There has been growing speculation about the condition ofIC Union President Mr Nick Morton following his successor's sudden seizure of power. It was revealed yesterday evening that he has for many months been undergoing an extensive and dangerous course of drug treatement, designed to increase his resistance to the College's authorities.

M r M o r t o n e m b a r k e d o n the t r e a t m e n t last J u l y w h e n a to|> C o l l e g e d o c t o r suggested the idea to h i m . H e s a i d at the t i m e that he " a g r e e d in p r i n c i p l e " w i t h the m o v e a n d w o u l d r e c o m m e n d that a U G M endorse his decision.

T h e d r u g used is b e l i e v e d to be a n e w type o( Anti-Interfereon w h i c h has been h a i l e d as a m i r a c l e d r u g a n d is still i n the e x p e r i m e n t a l stage.

M r M o r t o n was t o l d that t h e d r u g w o u l d d r a m a t i c a l l y increase the n u m b e r of A n t i j e n s a n d A n t i g o v e r n i n g Bodies i n his b l o o d s t r e a m a n d hence his resistance to C o l l e g e .

H o w e v e r , a l t e r n a t i v e sources t o l d F E E L S I C K that A n t i - I n t e r f e r o n has e xac tl y the opposite effect a n d w o u l d lead to a decrease i n resistance.

Friday, A p r i l 31,1982

Cheap!

Letters to

a n d m y m i s h a n d l i n g of U n i o n affairs were i n no w a y responsible for m y r e s i g n a t i o n .

S u r e l y a n y sensible person can u n d e r s t a n d that the stress of a light w o r k l o a d , c o u p l e d w i t h l o n g nights of blissful sleep, are too m u c h for a n y o n e to bear.

S e c o n d l y , the loss of the revenue was due to a 4,000% n a t i o n a l decrease i n p i n b a l l useage a n d not c o n n e c t e d i n any w a y w i t h m y o w n p e c u l i a r f i n a n c i a l situation.

Tours

the

B. M c C a b e E l Tropicano Bermuda

Editor Sir

Dear

Sir

M a y I take this o p p o r t u n i t y to i n f o r m y o u r readership of some of the c o m m o n l y held misconceptions about my recent resignation.

F i r s t l y , it must be u n d e r stood that the loss of/T25,000

A s a n y o n e w h o has m e t N i c k w i l l agree, he is a most industrious and well-liked President, a n d always puts the needs a n d views of his students first. I h o p e that F E E L S I C K w i l l not perpetuate these lies a n d w i l l show N i c k i n his true light.

Tours

John Smith C o l l e g e Secretary Dear

Sir

M a n y people seem to think, that the n a m e F r a n k J a m e s has become associated w i t h extremely l o n g articles beari n g little relevance to C o l l e g e affairs. I hope y o u w i l l a l l o w me the space to pass a few comments o n the attack u p o n my c h a r a c t e r a n d w r i t i n g w h i c h a p p e a r e d i n last week's FEELSICK. I a m tempted to recall the p h r a s e u s e d so a p t l y b y Samuel Johnson, a wellk n o w n a n d loved early S o c i a l

I a m writing on behalf of M r N i c k M o r t o n to say h o w shocked I a m that the I C U n i o n newspaper, FELIX, should c o n t i n u a l l y choose to suggest that N i c k is n o t h i n g more t h a n a p u p p e t of the (continued on pages 9, 10, College.

11).

Small Adsl • T h e collected essays of N. Willson now available from IC B o o k s h o p .

Latest collection from the author of Why I like choccie bikkies.

Not suitable for children.

• B l u e Chiffon dress for sale. Only two previous owners. Contact B. McCabe, c/o general post office, Bahamas.

•A.I.D. Concert Hall, Tues, Wed 25pm. It won't hurt you but it could creat a life. Please bring a bottle.

• A r e you a good clean Catholic? Then why not enjoy hours of bathtime fun with Pope on a flope-a marvellous souvenir of the Pontiff's forthcoming visit. A p p l y B o x JPII, F E E L S I C K Office.

• H y p n o s i s : Many people have asked me to improve length and width using h y n o s i s . I'm h a p p y to do this (or anything else) but demand is high and I've got work to do too, so I'm having to c h a r g e a s m a l l feel. R a p e s on request. Gettouched u p v i a F E E L S I C K .

Martin S. Taylor.

• T h e collected works of Frank James Volume 6. Free to all takers "from the Bookshop. Only suitable for children.

• A n g l e of Linstead. C o u l d the small ads be complete without you?

• B a r m a n required, must be foreign, obese or abusive (preferably all). Previous military experience an advantage. Contact V.Mooney, Sherfield Bldng.

•Is there nobody left with a real sense of humour? Attend a U G M and find out what fun at the expense of others means.'

Last week's caption O L D C E N T R A L I A N S competition

Mr D. Rodgcrs BSc(Eng) A C G I E d u c a t e d at C i t y & G u i l d s 1953-55 O n the bins 1956-80 R e d u n d a n t sin ce t h e n C a m d e n L a b o u r E x c h a n g e 1980-82

This man is an Old Centralian-how about you?

For Robin: What are we doing here Batman?

Batman: / have a hunch, Dick old chum, that he hasn't got enough....

Robin: Holy obuious space fillers!!!!!!!!!!!

Page 7 j

FEELSICK,

April 31,

further details contact Mr Rodgers' agent at The Snug, Cock and Thistle, Camden High Road.

1982

Tate buy Mooney T H E T A T E G A L L E R Y has recently p u r c h a s e d a tray of s a n d w i c h e s f r o m the S h e r f i e l d b u t t e r y for a n u n d i s c l o s e d s u m , it was r e v e a l e d yesterday.

T h e t r a y , b e l i e v e d to be a m i x t u r e of egg a n d cress, a n d herring a n d tomato on brown, was f o u n d near the b a c k of the c o u n t e r a n d is c u r r e n t l y b e i n g carbon dated.

A T a t e G a l l e r y spokesman told F E E L S I C K that " I have never seen a n y t h i n g like it i n m y life.

T h e c o m b i n a t i o n of the gently c u r l i n g crusts a n d the cubist influenced m o u l d a n d t h u m b p r i n t s are a j o y " . H e a d d e d that the piece w o u l d be p o v i s i o n a l l y c a l l e d Ham Sandwiches in Blue.

L a t e r m o d e r n artist M r A n d y W a r t h o g c o m m e n t e d that the s a n d w i c h e s were o b v i o u s l y never i n t e n d e d to be eaten a n d l a u g h e d at the " p h i l i s t i n e s " at I C w h o h a d a t t e m p t e d to d o so. H e speculated that a possible A r t s C o u n c i l g r a n t w o u l d lead to a p r i c e r e d u c t i o n i n the b u t t e r y a n d also expressed a n interest i n some student retchings.

M r Mooney, IC's jovial c a t e r i n g m a n a g e r f o u n d the w h o l e affair " a bi t d i f f i c u l t to s w a l l o w " a n d has a p p l i e d for a p l a c e at the R o y a l C o l l e g e of A r t .

S i r Keith Joseph at IC N E X T W E E K C o n s e r v a t i v e S o c i e t y w i l l once m o r e w e l c o m e S i r K e i t h J o s e p h , S e c r e t a r y of State for E d u c a t i o n .

T h i s visit s h o u l d p r o v e v e r y i l l u m i n a t i n g followin g S i r K e i t h ' s recent decision to d o a w a y w i t h the H i g h e r E d u c a t i o n system c o m p l e t e l y as he " c o u l d n ' t r e a l l y see the need for i t " a n d l a t e r " o n d e r e d w h a t a l l the fuss was a b o u t " .

S u r p r i s i n g l y S i r K e i t h ' s last a p p e a r a n c e at I C was o n l y last week a n d we u n d e r s t a n d that he was also here the week before. A p p a r e n t l y he intends to keep o n c o m i n g u n t i l someone turns u p to listen to h i m , or u n t i l there is n o b o d y left at I C to do so.

IC to take whites without A levels F O L L O W I N G T H E a n n o u n c e m e n t that the C o l l e g e a u t h o r i t i e s are to a d m i t c o l o u r e d students f r o m d e p r i v e d areas w i t h insufficient A levels, it has been r e v e a l e d that they h a v e been t r y i n g to a d m i t a n e s t i m a t e d 700 s i m i l a r s t u d e n t s for m a n y m o n t h s . T h e s t u d e n t s , c u r r e n t l y s t u d y i n g at Q u e e n E l i z a b e t h C o l l e g e , have been the subject (Continued on page 7)

"No Sex Boys!"

T H E S E W E R E the d r a m a t i c last w o r d s f r o m I C U P r e s i d e n t M r N i c k M o r t o n as he a n n o u n c e d a p r e - m a t c h b a n o n sex to the I C U n i v e r s i t y C h a l l e n g e t e a m o n S a t u r d a y . T h e b a n applies u n t i l after the q u a r t e r finals o n W e d n e s d a y , he said.

T h e reasons for the P r e s i d e n t ' s cut-it-oul-or-Fll-cut-it-off a t t i t u d e are b e l i e v e d to be l i n k e d to the close shave the t e a m h a d last t i m e out.

O n that occassion, w h e n asked w h o i n v e n t e d the telephone b o o t h a n d i n w h a t year, M r F r a n c o L e a t h e r r e p l i e d " B e r t h a 3 7 6 - 5 9 9 1 " . I n a s i m i l a r i n c i d e n t M r R a n d y T o b a c c o gave a v e r y r u d e answer to a q u e s t i o n o n the b l a c k hole of C a l c u t t a .

A s p o k e s m a n for the t e a m expresed t h e i r d i s a p p o i n t m e n t , b u t reassured F E E L S I C K t h a t a n a t t e m p t to get 6 p e o p l e i n t o the Southside Refectory t o m o r r o w l u n c h t i m e w o u l d go a h e a d as p l a n n e d .

T H E T R A D I T I O N A L May D a y p a r a d e a r o u n d the Q u e e n ' s square on S a t u r d a y took an u n u s u a l l y j u b i l a n t note w h e n the R e c t o r m a d e his first p u b l i c ' a p p e a r a n c e since the F r e s h e r s ' reception.

A T O P I C Professor believes that he m a y h a v e d i s c o v e r e d t h e reason for the e x t i n c t i o n of the dinosaur - immobility.

T h e professor believes that it was the size of the a n i m a l , c o u p l e d w i t h its refusal to m o v e , w h c h l e a d to the e x t i n c t i o n of the species. S i m i l a r reasons c o u l d h a v e resulted i n the demise of a l l the d i n o s a u r s .

T H E T E A M w h o successfully m a n a g e d to fit 42 p e o p l e i n t o a m i n i - m e t r o f a i l e d yesterday i n a n a t t e m p t to squeeze 4 p e o p l e into r o o m 31 M o n t p e l i e r Street.

The First Cuckoo

Frankosaurus blues

P r o f e s s o r H . M a c l o u d has d i s c o v e r e d the r e m a i n s of a little k n o w n l i t e r a r y d i n o s a u r , Frankosaurus Jamesiensis, b e n e a t h a p i l e of s c a t t e r e d p a p e r s i n the Humanities Department. The r e m a i n s are b e l i e v e d to be w e l l over 27 years o l d a n d c l e a r l y i n d i c a t e that the F r a n k o s a u r u s was an ungainly, thick skinned a n i m a l w h i c h , due to its huge b u l k , r e m a i n e d in the same p l a c e for years o n e n d . T h e r e is little e v i d e n c e of a s i g n i f i c a n t l y sized b r a i n , a l t h o u g h reams of unintelligable scribblings found i n the v i c i n i t y of the r e m a i n s m a y i n d i c a t e a basic i n t e l l i g e n c e .

Tight Fit!

A s a result the w h o l e t e a m has been o r d e r e d to s p e n d the r e m a i n i n g days before the next m a t c h i n i s o l a t i o n s t u d y i n g a v o l u m e o f the E n c y c l o p e d i a Brittanica each. Franco Leather ( A a r d - H u s ) commented, "Be Fucking Crazy Backing Aw ay F r o m A Cute Eighteen-yearold Hussy, A n d H e r Asking, E v e n Bloody D y i n g F o r A Good..."

Likewise M r T o b a c c o (Ick-Pri) added " I Intend N o t O b e y i n g M o r t o n ; M i n d l e s s M e g l o m a n i a c In M y O p i n i o n . K e e p M e In M a n c h e s t e r M i n u s M y O a t s ? Piss O f f M o r t o n ! " T e a m c a p t a i n M r M a x M e a s u r e was too engrossed i n the ( P r o Stute) section a n d seemed to be s p e n d i n g a l o n g t i m e o n a n e n t r y near the back.

T h e final m e m b e r , a M r Ist-Piggs d i d not seem to m i n d the b a n . " W a i t U n t i l Wednesday? W a i t e d T w e n ty T w o Years. W i l l Start T h i s Thursday Though."

S o it appears that Ist-Piggs w i l l go out w i t h a b a n g , b u t F r a n c o , M a x a n d R a n d y agree that b e i n g tied d o w n is a bit of a b i n d a n d they d o n ' t k n o w h o w l o n g they c a n keep it u p .

W h e n asked if he w o u l d enforce the b a n N i c k M o r t o n said that he w o u l d leave the m a t t e r i n t h e i r o w n hands.

FEELSICK, April 31,

1982

Fears for the R e c t o r ' s h e a l t h h a v e g r o w n since his d i s a p p e a r ance last O c t o b e r , but College S e c r e t a r y J o h n S m i t h urged students not to w o r r y as this h a p p e n e d every year.

Nut Screws Washers and Bolts A N E S C A P E D l u n a t i c caused h a v o c i n the S o u t h s i d e kitchens y e s t e r d a y l u n c h t i m e w h e n he assaulted several of M r Mooney's employees.

M r L e w Pee t u n n e l l e d out of the h i g h security wing of the m e n t a l i n s t i t u t i o n at B r o a d m o o r o n T u e s d a y e v e n i n g . H e is (Continued on page 7) Page

7

M o s t b a n k s offer s t u d e n t s cash,

but

Natleys

24-hour

SERVICEBANK

offers j u s t t h a t l i t t l e b i t m o r e .

SERVICEBANK

l a t h e r , to see i f the m e a n o l d sod c a n afford

to c o u g h

parental

up

a little

contribution.

It

will

more even

dispenses a l a r g e

g i v e y o u t h e address of t h a t b u s t y b i r d

r a n g e o f i t e m s e s s e n ti al to the needs of

in L i f e Sciences, y o u r local pusher a n d

all

a n u p d a t e o n the F a l k l a n d s C r i s i s !

modern

s t u d e n t s ; cigarettes,

ice-

cream, sparkling K o r e a n white wine and

B i g M a c b u r g e r s for i n s t a n c e .

College

outlets

also

double

as

A n d for e x a m i n a t i o n s t i m e N a t l e y s SERVICEBANK

a

w i l l not o n l y supply

alt the a n s w e r s , b u t is p o s i t i o n e d at a

standby theatre ticket booth a n d c a n

convenient

dispense

u r i n a l b y those c a u g h t short at the last

Wellington

boots

if

you're

caught by the weather.

SERVICEBANK supply own

At

an

will

the

to

be

used

as

a

moment. not

only

for

your

cheap

b u t also t h a t o f

your

N a t l e y s - the b a n k thats g o i n g places.

instant balance

account,

height

S o r e m e m b e r , d o n ' t be t a k e n i n by gimmicks

s i g n of the B l a c k

and

bank

with

Whores

Dear Auntie J e n I feel so ineffectual—nobody seems to t a k e me seriously. I t e n d to be d o w n t r o d d e n by e v e r y o n e a n d , e v e n t h o u g h I'm a sabbatical, people s e e m t o be able to twist m e a r o u n d their little finger. I'm so gullable I don't k n o w what to do. Please help m e A u n t i e J e n !

G o r m l e s s of G r i m s b y (Real n a m e a n d address supplied but witheld o n request) Dear Marco Yes, I know your problem very well ducks-in fact I've been doing a lot of research into it. Rather than attempt to answer you on these pages it would be better for you to send me £7.95 for my book on the subject. It's entitled 'W.H. Smith's A4 Notepad' and is a world best seller. Packed with useful information on how to avoid being taken in; if you read between the lines.

(Incidentally, have you considered ICU Life Membership? Only £68 from me personally and a snip at half the price.)

Dear Auntie J e n , I can't s e e m to get m y life c o o r d i n a t e d . O n one h a n d m y business affairs are going g r e a t — t h e pinball m a c h i n e s have m a d e over £9,000 profit this t e r m . B u t I just don't s e e m to be able to fight off m y o w n p e r s o n a l massive overdraft. W h i l e I can't s e e m to go w r o n g with the pinball m a c h i n e s , I just can't get to grips with my o w n p e r s o n a l finances. H o w c a n 1 o v e r c o m e this problem?

Yours Penniless of Penge (Real n a m e a n d address supplied but witheld o n request) Dear Barney Sorry I've taken so long to answer your letter dearie, it got stuck at the bottom of the pile. DON'T do anything rash that you might regret later. Have you considered ICU Life Membership?

Dear Auntie J e n Bit of a p r o b l e m , J e n — w e l l , not s o m u c h a p r o b l e m o n m y part as the m i s i n t e r p r e t a t i o n of m y o b v i o u s talents by e v e r y o n e else as s h o w i n g off.

T h e point isn't that I boast about things I can't do, like most people a c c u s e d of s h o w i n g off, but that I attempt to ensure that m y very real talents do not go u n n o t i c e d , o r , G o d forbid, u n d e r e s t i m a t e d ! T h a t ' s u n d e r s t a n d a b l e , isn't it A u n t i e J e n ? I d o so h o p e I'm not r a m b l i n g , but I s u p p o s e it must m a k e a change for y o u to r e a d a well-written letter with no g r a m m a t i c a l erors (sic). " S i c " means that I did that deliberately, J e n .

T h e s e d a y s , I can't e v e n casually twiddle a fifty p e n c e piece a r o u n d my fingers or p e r f o r m m a n o e u v r e s with c a r d s for the entertainment a n d enjoyment of all without being a c c u s e d of s h o w i n g off. I put it all d o w n to j e a l o u s y — y o u see if I c o u l d only d o all these wonderful things

'and were not e x t r e m e l y i n te l l i g e n t a n d academically brilliant too, I w o u l d not be the captain of the U n i v e r s i t y C h a l l e n g e t e a m .

1 was genuinely s u r p r i s e d by the r e a c t i o n w h e n I casually d r o p p e d into the c o n v e r s a t i o n that one of m y best c h u m s f r o m C a m b r i d g e was Griff R h y s J o n e s . G o o d grief, I can't e v e n banter about c h u m s n o w . Still, there m u s t be a fair few people a r o u n d C o l l e g e , w h o c l a i m they k n o w m e , so it's u n d e r s t a n d a b l e isn't it J e n ?

A s for the magic a n d the h y p n o s i s , it's not as if I go o u t of my way to p e r f o r m at every conceivable o p p o r t u n i t y , it's just that I'm in s u c h demand. I don't k n o w h o w I find time t o do all these things w i t h the best p u z z l e c o l u m n ever in F E L I X to w r i t e every week a n d o r c h e s t r a begging m e t o play c y m b a l s . In fact, I shall have t o b r i n g out F E L I X (oh yes, I'm E d i t o r of that as well n ow) o n M o n d a y s o the c h o i r won't go d o w n h i l l .

G o s h , I have r a m b l e d haven't I. A c t u a l l y , what I really w a n t e d t o ask y o u is h o w I c a n p i c k u p m o r e b i r d s . I've b e e n p r a c t i c a l l y celibate since the P r o c t e r ' s cat, y o u k n o w .

O n e jolly nice female I'd like to have a p e e k at with no togs o n is that nice M a r y F r e e m a n H a r d - W i l l i e s . G o l l y , I have gone o n haven't I, look at the length of this letter, I'd better sign off n o w or I'll have t o start c h a r g i n g y o u .

Sincerely P u z z l e d of C l e e t h o r p e s (Real name a n d a d d r e s s s u p p l i e d but w i t h e l d o n request) P S : I haven't c o n s i d e r e d b u y i n g I C U Life M e m b e r s h i p as I'm b o u n d to be a w a r d e d it for services to twiddling 50ps a r o u n d m y fingers.

Dear Martin S, Ducks, why you're my biggest problem this week.

Yes, I sometimes feel like sawing people in half, too. But have you considered trying a sherry?

Jolly hockysticks dearie Auntie den

\bu1l bei FEELSICK,

April 31,

1982

Page 7

imbecile d o e s a n y t h i n g I tell h i m to. W h e n he a s k e d me what he s h o u l d d o about refectories I t o l d h i m to defecate in the middle of the R e c t o r ' s table at l u n c h . T h e arsehole w o u l d p i c k the day D a v e T h o m p s o n was there t h o u g h , so it was gone before the R e c t o r c o u l d even c a t c h a whiff.

M i n d y o u this refectory flat lark is a bit of a e e z e . I o n l y suggested the t h i n g halfheartedly a n d the b e a r d e d duffer was off like a shot with the m o r o n i c little girl F r e e m a n in tow. P r o b a b l y thought they were off for a quick session o n the carpet! D r o p 'em? U p a n d d o w n like a nigger's arse in a disco!

FEELSICK It has b e e n l o n g felt that there is a real n e e d for a n e w w e e k l y at I m p e r i a l C o l l e g e . A n e w s p a p e r w h i c h is d a r i n g w i t h o u t b e i n g tasteless, informative without being p o m p o u s a n d a c c u r a t e w i t h o u t being pedantic. W e at F E E L S I C K t h i n k we have a c h i e v e d this a i m a n d will t r y to maintain the high standards of d e c e n c y a n d impartiability, unlike all the other p o x y rags y o u might r e a d . F E E L S I C K , the n e w s p a p e r y o u c a n t r u s t — i t ' s what T h u r s d a y ' s been missing!

Watch Out! I'm Mad. G r r r ! I'm angry again this week. T h a t nasty m a n D r A p p a u l i n g J o w e l l s has been at it again.

W h e n I t o l d h i m a b o u t o u r glorious leader P r e s i d e n t e G o u l d i e r i ' s assault o n the refectory flat the halfwit c a c k l e d w i t h l a u g h t e r a n d urinated o n m y foot! T h e man's c o m p l e t e l y off his c h u m p .

O n the subject of w h i c h , what about p o o r brainless c r e t i n N i c k M o r t o n ? I'm not s u r p r i s e d to find out that he's o n drugs myself, b e c a u s e usually I k n o w e v e r y t h i n g a n d I'm invariably right.

I'm glad to see that G o u l d i e r i h as s t a r t e d off on the right footing—the small-minded

A s for y o u n g G r e e n s t r e e t he was nowhere to be s e e n . T h e c o w a r d l y i m b e c i l e w a s probably off with one or two of his h a r e m again, s h a k i n g the tiles off the b a t h r o o m wall. I don't k n o w what they see h i m . It must be enormous!

Still, don't want to get too p e r s o n a l . A t least they s e e m to be better t h a n this year's lot. A s s o o n as t h e n e w s b r o k e M o r t o n w a s s c a m p e r i n g a r o u n d Sherfield like a d e m e n t e d c o c k r o a c h , a r s e l i c k i n g left, right a n d centre.

P o o r old L e d w o l d didn't k n o w what to do and just sat d o w n a n d wet himself. T h e only one w h o seemed to be acting sensibly was the new girl Teller, but that's probably because she's only been in the job a few w e e k s a n d her brain hasn't s t a r t e d to s h r i n k yet.

3. Iron it.

4. T h e r e s h o u l d n o w be a picture of soliders w o u n d e d in the C r i m e a n W a r o n the back of the paper. If there isn't, start again, paying m o r e careful attention to i n s t r u c t i o n 1.

5. W r i t e a c a p t i o n to this picture o n the p a p e r , a n d s e n d it to me at the F E E L S I C K Office b y y e s t e r d a y a f t e r n o o n . A p r i z e of 50p to the best c a p t i o n .

Friday, April 30 •Secretary's Bra R m 539 Sherfield, 3:00pm.

•Industrial Society lecture: ' H i g h returns on your i n v e s t m e n t by D i r e c t o r of N a t l e y B a n k . C a n c e l l e d due to lack of interest.

Saturday,

A s for // Incompitento R e a r V i c e A d m i r a l Lindley (Rtd) I wouldn't be s u r p r i s e d if he isn't trying to l a u n c h a naval b o m b a r d m e n t from the Serpentine at this very m o m e n t .

S o it's tally ho a n d g o o d hunting. N o m a n is an island. K i n g a n d C o u n t r y b u r b l e , burble, burble

April 31

• C A D G r o u p Meetings: Conventional A r m s Dealers a g a i n s t the b o m b . P o s t p o n e d due to u n e x p e c t e d increase in demand.

•Wargames Club: Meeting transferred to public gallery of House of C o m m o n s .

Sunday, May 2 • M i l k Level 3 Kitchen, Linstead extension.

• C h a p l a i n c y meeting: T h e Life of Elijah'. Cancelled due to unfulfilled prophecies.

Monday, May 3 • H . G . W e l l s S o c i e t y w e r e to p r e s e n t the great clairvoyant E l M y s t i c o . Postponed due to unforeseen circumstances.

• C N D lecture: ' D o radioactive cats have 18 half lives?'by D . P . T h o m p s o n . Called off due to unexpected decay.

The Other Lot M i n d y o u I don't have m u c h s y m p a t h y for the College either (firstly because I'm not generally sympathetic a n d secondly b e c a u s e I d o enjoy being terribly h a r s h o n everybody).

L o r d F l o w e r s h a s o b v i o u s l y b e e n a bi t s h o c k e d by G o u l d i e r i ' s attack a n d s h o u l d be looking a bit d o w n in the d u m p s . B u t h o w c a n anyone tell, y o u m a y a s k , seeing that he hasn't smiled since the t u r n of the c e n t u r y . H i s number two, M r J o h n Smith, College S e c r e t a r y , is a former F o r e i g n Office m a n .

N e e d I say m o r e !

L a s r Week's Solution

F o l l o w i n g the s u c c e s s of a rival newspaper in publishing paper-folding competitions, F E E L S I C K is p r o u d to p r e s e n t its o w n version 1. O b t a i n from s o m e w h e r e a piece of paper a p p r o x i m a t e l y six inches by three a n d a half.

T h e quality of the paper is u n i m p o r t a n t , as is the e x a c t size, but it must be w a t e r m a r k e d with a picture of F l o r e n c e Nightingale, a n d have a metal strip w o r k e d in to the fibres of the paper. In a d d i t i o n , it may help if there is a picture of the queen on the front.

2. F o l d it in half a n d unfold it. F o l d it in half the o t h e r way and unfold it. F o l d it in thirds one way, quarter the other way, a n d fifths the other way. U n f o l d it, fold it up again, s c r e w it u p into a ball, t h r o w it on the floor, j u m p o n it, pick it up a n d unfold it again.

What's Off

Tuesday, May 4 •Railway society lecture: Unfortunately the talk by M r Peter P a r k e r has been delayed due to the cancellation of the 4 : 1 5 p m f r o m V i c t o r i a . W e a p o l o g i s e for a n y inconvenience this may have caused.

• M a t h e m a t i c a l and P h y s i c a l S o c i e t y : W e a t h e r Forecasting' by M r J a c k F o r d from the B B C . Called off due to unexpected bad weather.

Credits I've o n c e again done 99% of the w o r k o n this week's issue, but I'd like to h a n d out a few c r u m b s to those brave few w h o offered a small a m o u n t of help: M a r t i n A . T a y l o r , a M a r t i n T a y l o r , M a r t i n (a tailor), M a r t i n O ' T a y l o r , M a r t i n Q . T a y l o r , T a y l o r M a r t i n S, M a r t i n T .

T a y l o r , a n d last, but by no means least M a r t i n Taylor.