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Expect the Unexpected 2012-2013
University of Massachusetts Amherst Taylor Jackson
Cinder Publishing Arkansas, Boston, San Francisco London, Toronto, Sydney, Tokyo, Singapore, Madrid, Mexico city, Munich, Paris, Cape town, Hong Kong, Montreal May 10, 2013
Table of Contents Pg. 4- Aknowlgements Pg. 5- Part One- Love Pg. 6- A Walk 2
Pg. 7- A Feeling Pg. 8- Running Pg. 9- Finding You Pg. 10- Your World Pg. 11- Part 2- Hope Pg. 12- Morning Pg. 13- Life Pg. 14- Listen and Receive Pg. 15- A Week Ago and Now Pg. 16- Colors Pg. 17- Part 3- Twisted and Cut Pg. 18- Cutting
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Acknowledgements To my best friends, who encouraged me to write to my heart’s content. Who told me that I could write, and gave me hope. And to my family and love ones, they gave me inspiration. To two of my greatest friends, they helped me through and wrote with me keeping a smile on my face. To all my family and loved ones, they gave me inspiration. They have all helped me through and I love them all.
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Part One- Love This section brings out the colors of love, without including sexual desires. It brings out the soft, vulnerable side I don’t show very often. It shows that love can be ;possible when all else fails. Two people can find a way back toward each other when the world pushes them apart.
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A Walk I walk beside him. I bite back words, knowing it will end in awkward silence. So we walk, side by side… In perfect silence. I let my hand rest beside me, instead of in my pocket and stare at the trees. They are old and gnarled. The wind weaves through the branches. Some of the branches twist together like arms. I look at his face. His eyes flicker to mine and back to the walkway again. He grabs my hand, smiles, and runs toward the trees. “What are you doing?”, I giggle, the wind makes my eyes tear up. He looks back and yells, “Taking a walk!” We run deep into the forest, until we get to a clearing. He slows and we walk to the center. He turns and looks into my eyes, I look into his. They are green with mixes of other colors. They are beautiful and so… deep. “Was I becoming boring for you?”, he asks, my breath catches in my throat, “Never,’ I breath. He leans down and kisses me. We sit down, and the sun sets. We talk and laugh completely oblivious of the problems we have. Completely in Love.
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A Feeling Your light headed Your thoughts evolve around them You evaluate your every move so you don’t make a fool of yourself You can’t focus with them in the room Butterflies live in your stomach You cheeks are always flushed Moments flow bye, endlessly Your heart is a constant drum Your words tangle Or get lost on the way out of your mouth You bite back laughter… Or embarrassment They become the reason you awake in the morning Their thought is your cup of coffee Their memory is enough to make you smile for hours They become your reason for happiness on the worst of days But you’re scared What if the feeling is not returned? What if the feeling they feel is lost? What if it is not you but another? You never know This feeling Your feeling Is mixed, Love and Pain
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Running The blue and red lights flash above us. We are in a underground shack. His hands find mine in the dark. Then slowly he pulls me toward him and hugs me. We hold our breath when the dogs are above us, he holds me tighter. The dog shifts and lays down. He softly kisses the top of my head. A shiver runs through me. The dog is whistled for, and it gets up. I try to look at him, but his grip is too tight. The dog takes off, and his grip releases. He takes my hand and stands up. I fallow him to the door and we climb out. We look around and he turns to face me. “No matter what happens, I love you.” I look into his brown eyes flecked with a golden white. “I love you too.”, just as I finish my sentence, shots fire out. His hand jerks from mine as he takes off. I’m frozen, pain radiates inside me, but from where I have no clue. He turns and looks at my white face, “Come on.” He grabs my hand and pulls. I stumbled and limp, “You’re shot.” He says quietly. He studies my face and pulls me, I try to run. They fire constantly. All around us, bullets bounce. I run and ignore the pain. My breath is dying, the energy flowing out like a balloon with a hole in it. He pulls me along, I try my best to keep up, but my arm. It feels like it’s being pulled out of its socket. Over and over I think, “We’re gonna make it. We’re gonna make it.” Until I fall… I lay in shock until he rolls me over. “Get up!”, he screams into my face, but I’m dazed. “I love you.” I say to those soft lips and dreamy eyes. A drop of water lands on my cheek, it dropped out of those eyes that stare at me. “I love you too.” I watch his lips form the words, and then fell them against my cold lips. Leaves crunch and I look to see the men surrounding us, my breathing speeds up. Their guns raise and shots fire, but he stays in front of me. The bullets penetrate his skin but he still holds strong. Then, his body arches and he falls on my stomach. I lift my head up and stare back into his eyes. The ones that studied me so closely before getting the nerve to ask me out. The ones that I fell in love with. The ones I could study for hours and still find something new and amazing about. “When will is see you again?”, he whispers. I try to sooth him, “In heaven, baby. In heaven.” He smiles and we both close our eyes, and go to sleep… Forever.
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Finding You I didn’t know exactly where the train was going. After paying my fare, I simply stood on the platform waiting for it to wish me away to somewhere, anywhere, but here. And that when it happened… He was there. Him, of all people, is sitting in the corner, staring. My mind went blank, my palms got sweaty, and my heart turned into a drum. He always looks gorgeous, but today he looks five times better. His green eyes pierce mine. My breathing speeds up, and I choke back the urge to run to him and give him a bear hug. He stands up. My mind goes blank, and I pray he has something to say because it will take a minute to get my breath under control. He walks over, and fear strikes me. What if he says something that hurts? What if he’s rude and hateful to me? What do I do? As he walks to me, memories smack my brain over and over again. He is five feet away and I can’t take it. “Hey.” He walks a little closer and stops, just a foot away. “Nice to find you here. So where are you going?” he says so casually I want to smack him. It must be easy to forget the memories you had with someone you didn’t really care about. It must be easy to forget the girl that loved you and still does. But when I don’t answer he says something that makes all my thoughts turn around. “Look, is still like you I do, but it won’t work out,” he looks up at the ceiling, “It must be hard to still like me. I was a jerk to you.” I smile, hes right, after we broke up all he did was get on my nerves, I laugh and he starts to laugh to. When I calm down I say something I never got to, ”I love you.” He told me multiple times but I never had enough guts to say it back in fright he’ll say, “Just kidding.” Or something rude. He looks into my eyes, “I love you too.” We share a smile once again, and they call for my bus, “Will I ever see you again?” “Yeah, I’ll find you.”
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You’re World I love you The words blow around your mind All you can think about is him His eyes that pierce you His voice that draws you in His laugh that sends your heart flying His smile that you want to be the reason for Only he can bring you to tears Or hurt you so bad you can’t cry Only he can make your day with just a sentence spoken Or bring a smile to your face just by thinking of him He’s perfect You love him He is your world
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Part Two- Hope Hope is something that we depend on a lot. Why lean on it and it pushes us back into a standing position. This is something I lean on daily. This part is something that makes me happy and makes me smile. It is full of hope and I take great pride in it.
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Morning I look for tomorrow Out of the corner of my eye Wait for the moon to set The sun to rise To awake from my dreams And nightmares To start a new day A new hope When I close my eyes at night An dream my dreams Curse my nightmare All I want is the morning to arrive
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Life We die We live We hope We dream We wish upon stars Look up and above Inspect the imperfect Cherish the perfect Love with a heart Smile with lips Hug with arm Feel with our minds We die We live We hope We dream
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Listen and Receive I whisper into the wind I tell it all my secrets It smears my tears And sings to me When I walk it blows against me Always reminding me, I’m not alone in life It’s there to listen No interruptions Just talk When I run through the forest I touch the bark and stems that fly past Feel the wind drag me down But I get stronger from it The secrets flow from me I whisper into the wind And it whispers back
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A Week Ago and Now The bright autumn leaves swirled around me. I stood there listening to the wind whisper. The trees rustled with life, the birds sung their melody’s, beautiful and enchanting. To think a week ago the sky crackled and the wind howled with pain. The animals hid, waiting for the worst. I spread my hands, and faced the sky. The wind touches my face gently. After all the pain and tears, the sun still has enough guts and energy to rise. The birds have enough joy to weave their songs with the wind. And now I have the guts to except the past and move to the future. To smile and laugh even though pain and fear still linger. If the world can keep spinning, I can keep breathing and making the best for me and other people. I can move on, I can love with a big heart and an even bigger smile.
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Colors As the sun sets, Color splashes the sky I dip a drink, And watch the fire of the sun die out. I can only think of life We start out simple One color, Blue As we move, we brighten Layers are added Thought and feeling mixed in We move across the sky And then we die An explosion of color Our hearts known Our thoughts read We are remembered And cherished Just like a sunset Perfect and remembered by the ones who really watch
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Part 3- Twisted and Cut This section is showing the tragic side of me. It shows a family that starts as one, has it’s bumps, and ends as a family. It shows love and the support of a family. How they car in the smallest ways. And even though it looks like they are suffering, there is someone behind the scenes trying to make it better. What will they do to stay with eachother?
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Cutting 1-Luna The rain chills me. It slinks down my back, soaking my cloths. It drips off my fingers, and curls down my arms. My hair sticks to my face. The black stands feel smooth against it. I look down, the rain floods the scars on my arms. The dark marks remind me that I will find a way out of this pain. I smile remembering my plan right before the bright lights wind down the road. I suck in a breath and jump. The car impacts straight into my right side. I feel it and gasp as I bounce off the hood. I hear a scream and the squeaking of breaks, but I’m distracted by the warmth that is spreading through me. I smile and close my eyes. I go to take another breath but I can’t. I try to open my eyes but they’re stuck. The warmth is now fire. I start shaking and flailing. Someone lifts my head up. With all of what’s left of my strength, I slam it down. A crack sound off, and everything goes quiet and black.
2-Max I cried. I cried long and hard when I saw my little girl’s body mangled up like that. Her beautiful crystal blue eyes closed and stained, perfect skin pale as a sheet. Her long black hair was matted and blood surrounds her. It stains her cloths, shines in her hair, and makes me cry harder. I sit beside her, the blood and water soaks through my cloths. I don’t care, maybe I can lay down and join my baby. My hand reaches out and gingerly touches her face. I grab he left wrist and turn it until I see starter scar. It happened when she was ten. Madeline and me split up. It was her first cut and the longest. When I walked in her room to apologize for fighting with mommy, she was laying on her bed holding her arm, the blood dripping onto the covers. She had no expression on her face. Her eyes were dull and lifeless. The razor sat beside her, covered in blood from how sloppy she was. I ran to my baby girl. My little baby girl. I kneeled beside her and cried. I cried until her hand touched my head, I looked up. “Daddy, why are you crying? I thought you loved me?” I looked into her eyes, “I do, baby.”, I held her hand, “come on, I’ll take you to the hospital.” I went to stand up, but she tugged me back down. “No, Daddy it doesn’t hurt.” Just then her eyelids fluttered and she passed out. I gathered her in my arms and rushed her to the hospital. She stayed over at Lucie’s house until Madeline moved out completely. As the years went on, she flew through guys, friends, and emotions. Every time she was hurt, she would mark herself. To tell the truth it scared the crap out of me. I took her everywhere I could: rehab, therapist and several “doctors”. No one helped. Eventually I stopped, every time she left one, she would cut. She told me it didn’t hurt, that the pain left with the blood. It mad the world Clear. It made her happy. 18
She told me it was like a tattoo. It never hurts unless you pay attention to it. But if you thought of what and why you were doing it, it didn’t feel like anything but relief. When you watched the blood drip off, think of the troubles dripping off with it. I didn’t believe her, but there was nothing I could do. She got mad when I screamed at her. She would got to her room, get her razor, and cut deep while she made sure, I was watching. She never blamed me or anyone. She said it was part of her, and if I took it away, I might as well chop her arm off. Who would do that do their little girl?
3- Lucie I sit as mom holds Tommie, my little brother. My best friend and almost sister just killed herself. And every time tears push at the back of my eyes, I push them back. I will cry tonight when they are asleep. Me and Luna have been best friends forever, since we were babies. Mom cared for red hair with bright and totally plain green eyes, and she has jet black hair with to-die-forgreen eyes. The boys have always chased her and left me alone. And yeah, I have had some boyfriends but she has had a lot. When boys chase her she let them, because she had a backup plan, cutting. Even with all her scars, the boys still went crazy for her. You know, I remember Mom used to tell me to expect everything... What kind of friend am I then?
4- Max I sit at the table, making pizza. I cut up tomatoes, wishing Luna was here to smell the sauce and taste it like she used to. I slice harder, down deep into the tomato. Then the blade slices through my finger. Pain stabs me and I suck in. I have never been good with blood, that’s one of the many reasons Luna’s cutting bothered me. As I think of her, I don’t notice that blood is pooling on the table. Realization hits me in a wave. It doesn’t hurt. The pain is gone, when I think about something else... It kinda feels good. I take the knife and cut my wrist. Yes, it makes sense. It feels good, and Luna did it. I can keep part of her with me. I cut another long streak the blood flows and I relive memories of her. Peace. I cut again, deeper and deeper and deeper. I cut until I can’t and the world goes black.
The Times Max Burkwell, father of Luna Burkwell, died last night at 6:03 last night. He was found with long slashes down his wrist and I cut on his finger. Luna died two days earlier of suicide. Both father and daughter killed themselves, for what reasons only you can guess.
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