The Pain That Never Truly Goes Away.. Tori Lyman
May 10, 2013
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The Pain That Never Truly Goes Away.. 2012-2013 By: Tori Lyman Lyman Publishing Huntsville, Arkansas May 10, 2013
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Table of Contents
Dedication Page
page 4
Biographical Sketch One
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page 5
Part One: Wicked Love Maybe Some Things are Better Left Untouched Thunder Storm Perfectly Imperfect Wishing He Knew Holding On
page 6 page 7 page 8 page 9 page 10
Biographical Sketch Two
page 11
Part Two: Hate ‘N’ Hurt Abuse Therapy The Unbreakable Bond till Death Not Knowing the Truth
page page page page
Biographical Sketch Three
page 16
Part Three: Nightmare
pages 17-21
12 13 14 15
Stay Awake, Get a Grip, Get out, You’re Safe from the Weight of the World. Just take a Second… Set things Straight. I’ll be Fine. Even though I’m Not Always Right, I Can Count on the Sun to Shine. And as a Result this is a Dedication to You And All of the World
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Wicked Love This section of collections is about love and how wicked, yet lovely it can be. It’s full of feelings, thoughts, and wonders that come to mind when I think about love and how it treats people. It’s something that can brighten your world and take the pain away or can rip you apart and make you feel like you are all alone even when you are in a crowd.
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“Maybe Some Things are Better Left Untouched..” I long for the day when I finally get to meet you. I’m not sure if you want to meet me though. Mom said that when she told you about me that you get really mad, maybe more than mad. I didn’t know what to expect I guess. I’m afraid that you won’t like me, that I won’t be the kind of person you enjoy being around. I’m afraid that I will like you and that you won’t like me. I’m not afraid, actually, I’m absolutely terrified. I’ve known about you for around three years now and you’ve only known about me for a few weeks. You don’t seem excited at all, but I guess when you get a text saying that you have a fourteen year old daughter you probably wouldn’t really know how to react. I know that when I found out I was scared and pretty mad that nobody had told me before. I don’t know if you were scared like me, well I guess I was more freaked out that scared, but I know you were mad. Mom told me that when she told you about me that you weren’t only mad, you were judgmental and worried. I mean yeah I would be worried too and I’m not saying that I wasn’t judgmental about the situation but they didn’t tell me when happened and I really thought you had left my mom as soon as you found out that she was pregnant, but I know now that that wasn’t the situation. Now that I have talked to you about everything I am starting to really like you, but I’m still afraid of meeting you. It’s not really meeting you, it’s what I need to say, what I want to say, what I’m afraid to say. There are so many things that I want to tell you that I am terrified to say! Is it just me???
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“Thunder Storm” Flashes shine through my shut eyes; rain hits me and feels like a million tiny needles against my skin, the thunder roars and send shills down my spine. This is what I long for. This is my high. The storm speaks to me like a mother speaks to her newborn child, like a father speaks to his son. Its tender yet strong and powerful. It fills your body with meaning and hope. This storm is where my heart belongs and what my soul aches for. Adrenaline courses through my veins. It’s like I’ve never been in a storm before, each time something new happens and makes me want it more, but each time it’s a longer wait for the next one to come.
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“Perfectly Imperfect” I didn’t know exactly where the train was going. After paying my fare, I simply stood on the platform waiting for it to whisk me away to somewhere, anywhere but here. And that’s when it happened; everything around me went white except the man standing beside me. He was exceptionally gorgeous; olive toned skin, piercing blue eyes, and perfectly curly hair. I didn’t know what he thought of me; wild hair ragging with the wind, red tanned skin covered in freckles, and big brown eyes. He was perfectly built! Way too perfect for a girl like me! I wondered if I should say something but he answered my question by saying “Hello” with the most gorgeous smile I had ever seen! His voice was amazing; deep and gravely with a little bit of that eight year old squeak still in it. I was nervous and I didn’t know what to say! I choked out a stuttered “H-h-hello” and knew I had already messed up my incredibly small chance. But he laughed! Was he laughing at me? Oh he was! He was laughing at how stupid I am and now I KNOW I don’t have any chance! But now the train is leaving, I have to get on that train! I grab his hand, not really knowing how he would react, but I get on the train and pull him with me. I guess it was the adrenaline of catching the train or the embarrassment of grabbing his hand when I barely know him, but I passed out. When I woke up my head was resting on his leg, my body was drenched in sweat, and he was patting my forehead with a wet rag. When I opened my eyes his smiled incredibly big and asked if I was alright. Well I blacked out again. I don’t know when I woke up, or if I ever did. All I remember is seeing him smile, cough, and choke up blood. Did I die? Am I stuck in between heaven and hell? I don’t really know, and I’m not sure I ever will.
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“Wishing He Knew..” His blue eyes pierce my skin, sending chills down my spine. His touch shocks me, sending electricity through my veins. I’m frozen in place, not wanting to move in fear that he would step away. The feeling he gives me is strong, unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. All the pain he has ever cost me seems to disappear the moment I see him. Loving him is like nothing else. He tells me that his love for me is impossible; that always makes me smile. It’s like we are forbiddingly meant to be. Nobody understands why we keep getting back together. It’s just another one of those things that only we will understand I suppose. The way he treats me is unbearable, yet perfect. It’s as if one minute I’m his and no one else can touch me and a second later I’m some ungodly freak who he terribly despises. He told me that I only need to try more and things would get better, only they got worse. Now it’s as if I’m the only one who tries and he just sits back and laughs like he’s ready for me to give up. He’s shy. I’m outgoing. How much more opposite can you get? He’s private. I’m public. We’re more than just opposites; love and hate; heaven and hell. But they say opposites attract, and in this case I really hope they are right.
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“Holding On”
I miss you I write it over and over He never understands Never gets that it’s him That it will always be him He is the… Rock When the waves try to push me, To drown me I clutch onto him I hold on to him I hold on to his memory I hold on to my feelings I hold on to life For him
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Hate ‘N’ Hurt This section of collections is all about hate and hurt. It’s not about the hate I feel but the hate I see; it’s about hurt and how painfully it can be. It’s something that seems to tear people apart in only a matter of time; makes us seems rude, yet we are only in pain; and only gets worse and stronger as time goes by. This is an inspiration to me because it is the things that I feel and see around me. It’s a part of life and it’s just something that we have to deal with and it never goes away, no matter how hard we try.
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“Not Knowing the Truth” I sit Listening to my best friend talk Talk about how perfect he.. Knowing how he truly feels about her Thinking Thinking about how afraid I am to hurt her But knowing that I need to tell her Tell her about what happened He asked me that question! I couldn’t help it.. I knew it was going to really hurt her.. But at that moment I could only smile Smile and let the tears fall down my face I cried after that I cried because I was ashamed Ashamed at how selfish and stupid I was being Knowing that I shouldn’t have said yes Knowing that I was being inconsiderate I’m sorry…
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“Abuse” She was beaten and bruised She had no money Nowhere to go… She was terrified and lonely What did she do to deserve this? Nothing. Absolutely nothing Her father did this to her She hated him! Truly hated him And every single thing he stood for Was he trying to kill her? Or was he only trying to hurt her? She didn’t know She didn’t care She hated him She hated herself
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“The Unending Pain” He won’t even look at Her anymore.. What did she do wrong?! She stopped cutting so he Would be happy with her… Now he is the only reason She does… Would he care if he found out? She’s even sure anymore… She feels as if she’s a nobody With nobody now… She wonders if she will ever get over him.. She just isn’t sure about anything anymore…
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“Therapy” What do you do when you’re lost; lost in a world of hurt and confusion? Nobody knows that right answer or the wrong answer. See a therapist? That’s what most people recommend. What if you’re afraid to talk to anyone about it? Go to a therapist, that’s what they still say; over and over and over again. You don’t want to see a therapist, “Go see a therapist!” They don’t care what you want; they think a therapist is the solution to every single thing. If you’re happy you need to see a therapist, if you’re sad you need to see a therapist, if you’re angry or upset you need to see a therapist! Maybe they would understand if they went to see a therapist themselves! Maybe then they would see why they are called a therapist and why nobody ever wants to see a therapist for their problems..
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Nightmares This section is all one story. It’s about the unthinkable thoughts of a young girl who has gone through a tragedy that nobody should ever have to go through. She tries to forget over and over again but she just can’t.
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“Unthinkable Thoughts” She was standing in the middle of the road; the rain soaking her clothes and chilling her to where not only her heart ached but her soul. She wondered why bad things always seemed to happen to her. She was exhausted from it all. From the aching pain that pierced her heart every second she lived. She was set on ending it, ending her, and she was going to do it tonight, she was sure of it. Now the rain wasn’t the only thing soaking her, tears were. They ran down her cheeks, down her neck, mixed with the rain that splattered on her. She felt something new now, she felt scared. But as she thought on she realized that she wasn’t scared of what was going to happen to her, but scared of what wasn’t. She was scared of living rather than dying. Living was what scared her now. Hope. Hope was what she did. She hoped for a car, a truck, anything that would take her. She wanted it to hurt though, wanted to feel the extreme pain that would come from whatever would take her out of her own cruel world. She didn’t want to die immediately, that would ruin the point of her suicide. She wanted something that would hurt so much worse than her heart, more than her soul. She wanted it to mask her emotional pain. Her hair began to stick to her face, she tried to wipe it away but instead found herself covering her ears, though she wasn’t sure why. But she realized then that she wasn’t scared, not anymore. Now all she felt was the aching pain. No fear, no love. It was nothing but pain; aching, gut wrenching pain that seared her insides. She screamed, squeezed her eyes shut tight, and kept her ears covered. It wasn’t much relief but it was some. But then she seen the headlights shine through her shut eyes, heard the horn through her covered ears, and felt the impact that she had wanted to feel. But right before that impact she smiled; smiled for the first time in seven months. She smiled because she thought that this was the end, thought that she wouldn’t feel the hurt anymore, and because she felt the pain she had been hoping for. Everything in her world went black, then white. But now she heard voices and sirens, or at least she thought she did, but she figured she was only hearing things. Only she wasn’t, the voices and the sirens were real, and when she realized this she cried. She cried not because she was scared or because she thought she had made a 17 | P a g e
mistake but because she was alive. All she wanted was to die, that was all she wanted. ▬▬▬ She woke up in the hospital after seven days in a coma. Nobody was there though. Then she remembered that her mother was taken away from her in a house fire when she was 11, her father left before she was born, and her younger sister got lost and no one ever found her. She hoped her aunt would show up, I mean she did live with her for six and a half years. Though she did run away two months before she turned eighteen and nobody came looking for her, there was no missing persons report filed for her, nobody cared what happened to her. Later the nurse came in and checked on her, told her what happened even though she already knew, then asked if she remembered her name. Of course she remembered, but she didn’t say a thing, only continued to stare blankly at the ceiling. She wished she had died. She kept wishing and wishing and wishing even though it did her no good. She cursed to God because he didn’t accept her. He made her stay and she now hated him for that. She had prayed to him night after night to take her life. It never worked and she just figured that he hated her just as much as the world seemed to hate her. She began to kick violently trying to break free of all the cords. She yanked out her IV, ripped away the cords that lay over her, but she didn’t get up. She suddenly realized that all of those things hurt. Hurt with a physical pain so strong that she just stopped, closed her eyes, and held in the whimper that so badly wanted to escape. She kept herself from crying, from screaming out, from letting the nurse hear or see her in pain. She was finally feeling the physical pain that masked the emotional and she wasn’t going to let anyone take that from her. She loved it; loved it too much to give it up. She decided that if she couldn’t die she wanted to keep the pain that covered the emptiness that took the place of her heart and soul. The emptiness was making black holes that were a result of no love and of having nothing; absolutely nothing. And that nothing penetrated her so deeply that it drove her to suicide. Only this time it was a failed attempt. ▬ ▬▬
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This suicide was going to be different. It wasn’t going to be like the original gunshot to the head or hanging from the ceiling fan kind of time, it was going to be jump to the death. Though unlike her attempt she was sure that this one would work, and unlike her attempt she wasn’t going to let anyone see. She wanted to keep to herself and she hoped nobody would ever find her. After all nobody was looking for her and only her aunt knows that she ran away so she didn’t see why would anyone be looking for her. Her plan so far was perfect in her mind; she would find an abandoned place so that nobody would see her, jump, and die. There was always that little fear in the back of her mind that this one would end up like the last one, but worse. She didn’t want to be stuck in the hospital again. She wasn’t fully prepared to live any longer; she had nothing that meant anything to her anymore, so why keep living with nothing to look forward to? Being stuck in that hospital was beginning to take a toll on her; she began to have migraines, the bed was giving her back pains, and she wasn’t hurting as much, physically anyways. She felt the need to get out before all the pain that she loved slipped away. She wanted to die before all the pain she felt before came back; she knew she could handle it; she just didn’t want to have to. A pain that strong was numbing, she hardly ate when she hurt the way she had been. She had thought about starving herself but she figured that would take too long and someone would find out because of the way she looked or because she seemed to go crazy, crazier than she usually was. They gave her pair of worn jeans, converse, and an old tee shirt the day they let her on her way. It was too bad that they didn’t know that they were letting a lonely girl who had no one in her life that cared about her just walk out of there with the intensions of killing herself. But it was going to happen now and nobody but the poor girl knew it. ▬ ▬ ▬ She wondered around for a while before she found a place where everything could come together and her plan could be put into action. Of course she didn’t see much of anything; no people, no surveillance cameras that she could see, but lots of tall buildings. She didn’t believe that she could actually have come upon a place like she did, she almost thought she was dreaming, but it was real 19 | P a g e
and she loved it. Nobody would see her jump; nobody could watch a tape of her jumping; and nobody would be there to call for help if she only injured herself. The place was perfect for her to do it and she was going to take advantage of it; she looked around for the tallest building there, broke in, and went to the roof. She stood on the edge looking at the ground and thought of how glorious this was to her. She closed her eyes and tilted her head up “Thank you, God for finally realizing that it is time for me to be with my family. Thanks you for not making me stay on this horrid earth for any longer and THANK YOU GOD for loving me enough to accept the way I am doing things and the way I have lived me life!” And now she was finally truly happy because she was going to see her family again and she loved the fact that she was able to smile without feeling guilty that her mother and sister could no longer smile at a single person on this awful earth anymore. She was able to smile without guilt, pain, or feeling lost and confused. She loved everyone who gave her the opportunity to feel dead without being dead and she gave a special thanks to God and the people who built these building because they made this all possible. ▬ ▬ ▬ The wind picked up, her heart beat faster, and her life flashed before her eyes the moment before her feet left the edge of the building. She knew it would hurt her and she didn’t want that anymore, but she would go through hell and back or anything God put her through to be with her family and off of the cruel world she used to consider home. As she fell she prayed to God and all of her family instead of panicking. She had hated her life since her family had gone and she was ready to be done with it all. For a moment she feared something would go wrong; that she would be found before anything bad happened; yet she hit the ground; bones cracking, sharp pains shooting through her body, gasps and short cries escaping her mouth. In a second it was over. She was in a tunnel, it was dark where she was, but she could see a light at the end of it, or at least she thought it was the end. She tried to walk towards the light, her feet were stuck, and she began to panic. It was like she was paralyzed; no voice, no movement, nothing would work no matter how hard she tried. She tried to yell 20 | P a g e
out, but no words came. She tried to run away, but no matter how hard she tried no movement would come about. Was this where she was to be for forever in her afterlife? She didn’t understand! Was this her hell? Was being stuck, being paralyzed, God’s punishment to her? She didn’t know and she probably never will. ▬ ▬ ▬ Everything began to go white, the tunnel disappeared under her feet, and she was hovering above her body. She could see blood around her body and could tell she had broken bones, but couldn’t figure out why she didn’t feel any of it or why she didn’t remember feeling any of it. Now she wondered if this was God’s punishment to her; seeing her body broken and pale. If this was his punishment to her she hated him, she hated herself. Why did she jump? She hated the world, but was jumping and putting her body in the condition it was now the right answer? She’ll never know, or at least she hopes she never will. She began to get some feeling back, her ghostly figure began to get hazy, and although her limp body didn’t get color back into it she began to see life coming back into it. She hurt. She cried. She screamed. Wanted to die! She didn’t want to live, she didn’t want to be stuck on this stupid world, and she wanted to be with her family! But now that she was alive she only felt hatred. She didn’t know when it was but at some time she had blacked out and someone had found her. She was lying in a hospital bed; tubes all around her, monitors beeping behind her, an unidentified identification bracelet was on her wrist. Nobody knew who she was, what had happened to her, or why she wasn’t dead. There were no records of her found in the hospital and nobody claimed her. On the television in front of her the new went on and on about a girl who was found nearly dead with no identification. It’s been a year and a half and she has never spoken one word and nobody has figured out who she is. She is an unidentified person who will never speak or move on her own again..
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