Vol. 4 Issue 20

THE

VOL. 04 ISSUE 20 08.21.2012

NEWS AND CULTURE FOR THE STUDENTS OF KWANTLEN POLYTECHNIC UNIVERSITY

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NEWS

vol. 4 issue 20 | August 21 2012 | page three

KWANTLEN

The Runner Roundup A brief run around the latest news from Kwantlen and beyond.

Criminal intent Meghan Darcy Melnyk, the former president of the Students Association of Mount Royal University in Calgary, pleaded guilty to charges of robbing a Calgary bank and apologized for the incident. The robbery garnered national headlines after she was arrested in a PT Cruiser with the stolen $6,180. Melnyk says she has a gambling addiction and that a casino’s proximity to Mount Royal University caused her problems.

Lavack leaves Anne Lavack, who officially joined Kwantlen just over one year ago, resigned from her position as provost and vice president academic at the beginning of August. Lavack’s style had met with some controversy when she travelled to Cloverdale campus in April to meet with faculty upset over KPU’s decision to shut down that campus’s admissions services.

After the meeting, she said Kwantlen had a “culture of grumbling.”

Neither Lavack nor KPU were available for comment on her departure.

Liquid dreams Water for all! The Kwantlen Student Association (KSA) is forking out $75,000 in a move intended to curtail the use of bottled water on campus. The KSA approved the purchase of seven WaterFillz stations at their Aug. 8 council meeting.

The KSA joined the anti-bottled water bandwagon in 2009 by passing a policy supporting a ban of water, after students expressed concerns over the increasing use of disposable water bottles. The seven WaterFillz stations are expected to be installed in September of this year on all four campuses, after the KSA has negotiated with the university where they can be placed.

According to a report from Jeremy McElroy, the KSA’s general manager, the seven water stations are estimated to cost students $9,000 per unit.

page four | August 21 2012 | vol. 4 issue 20

NEWS

The Runner | www.runnermag.ca

PARKING

Kwantlen hikes student parking rates The Kwantlen Student Association complains about an apparent lack of consultation.

I

ALEX HAWLEY MATT DIMERA

Students who drive to campus will likely be paying more for parking this fall, and will no longer be able to use the reserved parking lots. Kwantlen quietly raised parking rates by almost 80 per cent and eliminated reserved passes for students as of July 1, with little fanfare.

Students will no longer be able to purchase semester passes, but will instead be able to purchase weekly passes, for up to 16 weeks in advance at a time. At $14 per week, students will now fork out $224 for the 16 weeks during a semester. The change amounts to a $99 increase over the $125 students paid last spring for an unreserved parking pass.

According to university spokesperson Joanne Saunders, the changes were a long time coming and needed to maintain the parking lots.

“It’s really needed to be done for years and years and years,” said Saunders.

“In my view it’s probably just been neglected for far too-long.”

According to the university, Kwantlen’s parking prices are quite low compared to other local universities. She was unable to confirm which institutions Kwantlen was being compared to, before The Runner’s deadline, explaining that the staff person in charge of parking was on vacation.

A cursory review by The Runner of nearby institutions showed semester parking rates of $75 at Simon Fraser University’s Surrey campus, $150 at the University of the Fraser Valley and $90 at Douglas College, compared to Kwantlen’s new rate of $224.

Saunders also explained that the decision to abandon semester passes for students was made to account for the fact that some programs that Kwantlen offers are not traditional semesters and may overlap.

Saunders acknowledged that most of those programs are offered exclusively at the Cloverdale campus, but said that leaving the system as it was would have led to larger costs for students.

“In order to increase [the price of semester passes] enough it would have been a

real substantial increase.”

In addition to no longer allowing students to purchase reserved passes, the university has also eliminated the discounted carpool pass, citing low-usage rates for both.

“They looked at the history of what students were purchasing,” noted Saunders.

“There were very few that were bought in the past year so they got rid of them to free the reserved stalls.”

Saunders says that some of the reserved parking stalls will eventually be switched over to non-reserved to compensate. However, she said the university had not decided how many stalls would be converted, or when the changes would happen.

Staff and faculty will be unaffected by the changes. Only Kwantlen employees will be allowed to use reserved parking during peak hours. According to information provided by Saunders, employees can pay either $125 per year for an unreserved pass or $200 per year for a reserved pass.

Saunders told The Runner that students were consulted, citing a June 8 meeting between Gordon Lee, Kwantlen’s vice president of finance, and Arzo Ansary and Christopher Girodat of the Kwantlen Student Association (KSA).

“We would never make a change like that without consulting with the students,” said Saunders.

Ansary, the KSA’s director of external affairs, disagreed and argued that the KSA was never included in any decision-making.

“The only consultation they ever had with us was the meeting where they told us what was going to happen,” said Ansary.

Students with short classes who used to pay for partial-day parking will also be looking at increases. Day passes are still $5, but the four-hour parking option has been eliminated.

Girodat, the KSA’s director of student services thinks the changes will unfairly affect students.

“It’s unfortunate that the university is getting rid of the semester parking passes and an inconvenience for a number of students when they see the partial parking rates are being abolished,” said Girodat.

Cost of parking for a semester / 16 weeks Kwantlen: SFU Surrey: UFV: Douglas:

$224 $75 $150 $90

Unreserved parking costs for a Kwantlen student attending classes year-round:

$672

Reserved parking costs for a Kwantlen employee year-round:

$200

Kwantlen senator and KSA executive Christopher Girodat is frustrated by the university’s decision to increase parking rates for students. RUNNER FILE PHOTO

www.runnermag.ca | The Runner

NEWS

vol. 4 issue 20 | August 21 2012 | page five

EDUCATION

Christy Clark announces ‘new’ plan to tackle student debt I

JORY MACKAY THE MARTLET (UVIC)

As part of B.C. Premier Christy Clark’s Families First agenda, released June 25, the provincial government has introduced a student loan Repayment Assistance Program (RAP) that targets low-income families and graduates with significant family obligations. Critics of the plan, however, argue that it does not address the unique issues that all B.C. students face, such as high tuition costs and a lack of government grants.

RAP went into effect in B.C. on July 1 and replaces the previous interest relief program. The assistance plan itself, however, is a federal initiative that was first introduced in Ottawa in 2008, and has since been slowly adopted by the provinces.

“This is very simply a re-announcement of a federal program,” says Lucia Orser, director of External Relations for the UVic Students’ Society (UVSS).

The plan differs from previous initiatives by shortening the loan repayment period and offering a two-stage debt reduction strategy based on the size of the borrower’s family and their family income.

The first stage, which covers the first five years, provides payment assistance for the interest portion of the student loan.

The second stage, which can cover up to 10 years, provides payment assistance for the remaining principal portion of a loan. If, after 15 years of payment, there is still money owing on a student loan, the provincial government can choose to forgive the remainder.

Both stages of the plan, however, are only approved in six-month blocks, meaning that over the 15-year term a person must apply 30 times to stay in the program.

According to the B.C. branch of the Canadian Federation of Students (CFS), the province currently charges the highest interest rate on student loans in the country at 2.5 per cent above prime, and, since the grants program was cut in 2004, B.C. now offers the lowest amount of non-repayable student financial aid of any province.

The CFS also states that students in B.C. graduate, on average, with $27 000 in student debt, making B.C. citizens with a fouryear degree the most debt-heavy in Canada outside of the Maritimes.

“The biggest issue being faced by lowincome students is the premiums they are paying for their education in the form of high interest rates on their student loans,” says Orser. “In provinces like Newfoundland and Labrador, they’ve completely eliminated interest on student loans. This really indicates to me the way that B.C. is falling behind.”

Orser suggests the provincial government could have done more to address all students in B.C. rather than the specific group targeted by the Families First agenda.

“These changes to B.C. student aid are seeking to address the family affordability portion of the Families First agenda,” says Orser. “However, some of the real changes that we need to see to post-secondary education, like the need to lower interest rates on student loans and the need to reinstate a needs-based grants program, would better serve the family affordability pillar that’s been cited by this government.”

Kimberly Speers, an associate professor in UVic’s department of political science, says that by making families the focus of the repayment plan, the government is working more towards supporting their own rhetoric rather than doing what is best for the majority of B.C. students.

“In terms of the Families First agenda — because they have to find policies that support that in order to make the policy agenda real — by addressing families as a targeted group, rather than all students who are paying provincial student loan debt, they fulfilled that.”

Despite the program’s limitations, Speers and Orser both agree that it is a step in the right direction.

“The bigger picture is that any policy that addresses accessibility for post-secondary education is good,” says Speers.

GLEN O’NEILL/ THE MARTLET

page six | August 21 2012 | vol. 4 issue 20

CAMPUS LIFE

The Runner | www.runnermag.ca

CINEMA

Kwantlen instructor’s novel goes Hollywood

Kwantlen creative writing instructor Aislinn Hunter on the set of the film adaptation of her novel Stay. (L-R) Taylor Schilling, Barry Keoghan, Aislinn Hunter, and Aidan Quinn. PHOTO COURTESY KWANTLEN

A film adaptation of Aislinn Hunter’s Stay is set for release in late 2013 or early 2014.

I JULIA VERGARA

Ten years after Aislinn Hunter published her novel Stay in 2002, the book is being adapted into a Hollywood movie starring Aidan Quinn and Taylor Schilling in leading roles. The film is expected to make its premiere in late 2013, or early 2014.

Hunter studied art history at the University of Victoria, and also has her master’s degree from the University of British Columbia. It only took Hunter one year to write Stay, which was also her masters thesis at UBC, but spent two years revising it.

She didn’t consider herself a writer until recently.

“Writing was something that I did since I was twelve. I like writing a lot, but writing is an aspiration; I never felt I must write.

It took a long time to think that this is my job,” says Hunter.

Stay is a story centering on Abbey, a 26year-old Canadian (played by Schilling), who gets pregnant while living in a village outside Galway, Ireland. After she learns the father of a child, an older Irishman named Dermot (Quinn) has no interest in raising the baby, she returns to her father’s home in Canada to decide what to do next.

Hunter was inspired to write by her visits to Ireland. The first time she travelled there at 17, Hunter fell in love with the place. “I fell in love with the country; I fell in love with the past. History is everywhere.

It ignited a sense of belonging, something I didn’t have in suburban Canada.”

She describes the magical moments of her stay in the village outside Galway — a bonfire with the village kids, sleeping on the floor of the old cottage — that made her want to write about the community.

“Pretty crazy to meet the flesh-and-

blood versions of my characters and to walk around sets that seem to have sprung from my imagination,” says Hunter after visiting the set of the movie in Ireland.

For a long time, her book was optioned for a movie, but Hunter knew that less than two per cent of books get made into movies and she also thought it might be hard to film. Although many scenes were changed in the adaptation to screenplay, the novel’s themes — the importance of the past and the love story — are present in the movie.

The original message Hunter wanted to convey to her readers is a post-colonial postmodern culture-change and its influence on culture today. But the profound message that permeates her novel sub-textually is the importance of the dead. It’s the theme Hunter keeps returning to.

“The veil between the dead and alive is thinner than we think; not in a ghost fashion,

just in a way they imprinted the earth.”

Her advice to aspiring writers is to find something you love that is not writing, and then import this enthusiasm into your work.

She says the trick to great writing is to mask your message so that readers feel the idea but never hear it in characters’ words.

“The world is full of wonder, if you don’t see the wonder in the world, than what are you communicating? You can be communicating grief or tragedy, it doesn’t have to be ideal, but have a sense of something in the world rather than yourself that you can carry into your writing, so people feel like they are not just meeting person’s thoughts, but they are meeting some knowledge about the world,” she says.

Hunter is currently dividing her time between Canada and the U.K., where she’s finishing a Ph.D. at the University of Edinburgh.

www.runnermag.ca | The Runner

CAMPUS LIFE

vol. 4 issue 20 | August 21 2012 | page seven

PRIDE

Kwantlen marches in gay pride parade

How to be an ally I HANNAH ACKERAL

I RUTH JEYAMANOHARAN

Kwantlen students, faculty and staff demonstrated their pride and support for the local queer and trans communities on Sunday, Aug. 5 by marching in the 34th annual Vancouver Pride Parade.

The Kwantlen contingent rode on the back of a makeshift float, giving out candy and necklaces and squirting the crowd with water guns. The over-heated crowd roared in hope of getting wet or catching a bead necklace or some candy. Kwantlen’s float was bookended by two pride flags, one in the front and one in the back, and bordered

by Pride Kwantlen and Kwantlen University banners hanging on the sides. In the midst of blaring pop music, the students danced.

As temperatures soared as high as 30 C, the parade’s grand marshals Jenna Talackova, Bill Monroe and David Holtzman led the parade down Robson Street to Denman Street and through to Beach Avenue.

Talackova, the first transgender female to be a contestant in the Miss Universe Can-

ada competition, sat atop a silver BMW as one of three grand marshals.

She was followed up by a very regal Monroe, who helped start the first “gay club scene” in Winnipeg, dressed up as Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth riding in a horsedrawn carriage.

Holtzman, a gay activist and social crusader, was honoured posthumously as the third and final grand marshal, represented by his family and friends.

Tim Richards, president of the Vancouver Pride Society, has strong personal connections to the annual event, having come out after attending his first pride parade.

“It was life-changing because I identified with people within our community,” he told The Runner. “Up to that point, I haven’t really thought of myself; I hadn’t come to the realization that I was gay. I didn’t have anyone who I really identified with.”

He went on to say what he really liked about Pride. “That’s a wonderful thing about the pride celebration – it brings people together. People see the diversity within the community, and they see people that

they’d identify with.”

He said that this year’s theme came easily to the society.

“What we did was, at one of our meetings we finally said, ‘okay, we gotta tell the entries, what is it?’ we came up with one word, which was ‘fabulous’,” said Richards.

“We looked at our grand marshals that we have this season, we’ve got Jenna Talackova who’s a beauty contestant, Bill Monroe who’s been doing drag for the last sixty years, and David Holtzman who’s a community builder and activist.”

To Richards, the theme is something special.

“I think what’s wonderful every season when we do this, it sparks different conversations, different debates, and it is an opportunity for people to dream of a better tomorrow,” he said.

Other notable community marchers included in the parade were GAB Youth, the Surrey Youth Alliance, and the Fraser Valley Youth Society.

Kwantlen students, staff and faculty marched in the 2012 Vancouver Pride Parade in support of the local queer and trans communities. MATT DIMERA/THE RUNNER

Pride Week is the time of year when everyone gets together to celebrate the queer and trans communities. But what about the other 51 weeks of the year? It isn’t enough to take a picture with a drag queen and call yourself an ally.

“Being an ally is in your actions,” says Lydia Luk, queer student representative for the Kwantlen Student Association. “It’s more than claiming [the title].”

You can start becoming an ally by educating yourself. Understanding the queer and trans culture and the various issues their members face will make you more aware of the privilege you possess as a member of the heteronormative society. A small but easy step is making your speech more inclusive, such as swapping out “boyfriend/girlfriend” for a more neutral “partner” or “significant other.” Recognizing and calling out problematic behaviour in others is gutsier, but more proactive.

However, being aware of queer and trans issues does not make you an authority. Being an ally means acknowledging that you don’t speak for the community; you’re not marching side-by-side so much as being led by the hand. The queer and trans communities are oppressed on enough levels. They don’t need their allies to tell them how they should feel about their own issues. This also means that allies have to be ready to take criticism.

The ability to take a calling-out gracefully is a key skill in your journey to becoming an ally. You won’t always get it right, because not every queer or trans person will share the same feelings or concerns.

That’s why it’s better to ask than to assume.

Just because you have one gay friend who finds gay jokes funny doesn’t mean that you won’t deeply offend someone else.

Furthermore, making assumptions on how people identify will only make everyone uncomfortable.

These are only a few tips on a complex role. There will never be a moment where you suddenly become a capital A Ally; it’s a constantly evolving practice. But if you can see the value in supporting the queer and trans communities, keep at it. For more information, you can get in touch with Pride Kwantlen and the Positive Space Campaign at queer@kusa.ca

page eight | August 21 2012 | vol. 4 issue 20

EDITORIAL

The Runner | www.runnermag.ca

OPINION

The price will never be right for the Northern Gateway pipeline

The Runner is student owned and operated

by Kwantlen Polytechnic University students, published under Polytechnic Ink Publishing Society.

Arbutus 3710/3720 12666 72 Ave. Surrey, B.C. V3W 2M8 www.runnermag.ca 778-565-3801

Vol. 4, Issue no. 20 August 21, 2012 ISSN# 1916-8241

EDITORIAL DIVISION:

I

Co-ordinating Editor / Jeff Groat editor@runnermag.ca / 778-565-3803

BRONTE RENWICK-SHIELDS THE MARTLET (UNIVERSITY OF VICTORIA)

VICTORIA (CUP) — Imagine trying to navigate a boat as long as the Eiffel Tower is tall through B.C.’s northern coastline, avoiding rocks, marine life and, most importantly, the shore. Sounds hard, right?

Now imagine that boat is carrying two million barrels of crude oil onboard.

Enbridge would like to see 225 tankers per year take that dangerous journey. The company’s proposed $6-billion Northern Gateway Pipelines Project would run 1177 kilometres of pipe from Alberta to Kitimat, B.C., where 450 million barrels of crude oil would be loaded into tankers set for Asia.

The Enbridge pipeline would require tankers to navigate through Hecate Strait, which Environment Canada has labeled “the fourth most dangerous body of water in the world.”

The project has met strong resistance from First Nations communities, environmental groups and many B.C. residents. Critics claim this project would put B.C.’s rainforests, rivers, lakes and oceans at risk, and could have detrimental effects on the health and livelihood of all who live here.

The project could also hurt the province financially. If a tanker were to leak or a pipeline to burst, B.C.’s fishing and tourism industries would be devastated as the Pacific coastline and rivers that are home to salmon, such as the Skeena and Fraser, would be contaminated.

Enbridge already has a questionable track record. The company has reported 804 oil spills from 1999–2010, and this number continues to grow. In 2010, Enbridge’s Keystone XL pipeline poured three million litres of oil into Michigan’s Kalamazoo River, while this July, the Keystone XL pipeline dumped 190 000 litres of oil onto a Wisconsin field.

On July 27, B.C. Premier Christy Clark issued her statement on the project. She presented a five-point proposal that requires

Culture Editor / Max Hirtz culture@runnermag.ca / 778-565-3804 News Editor / Matt DiMera news@runnermag.ca / 778-565-3805 Production Editor / Antonio Su production@runnermag.ca / 778-565-3806 Media Editor / Kimiya Shokoohi (On leave) media@runnermag.ca / 778-565-3806 Associate News Editors / Sarah Schuchard / Vacant / Vacant Associate Culture Editors / Tabitha Swanson / Estefanía Wujkiw

COURTESY OF ALAIN WILLIAMS/THE MARTLET

Enbridge to provide B.C. with world-class spill protection, prevention and response systems and successfully complete an environmental review. The company also needs to comply with legal requirements and treaty rights for First Nations groups and give B.C. economic benefits that reflect the risks the province will bear.

Even if all these measures are followed, however, there will still be negative repercussions to consider. With B.C. taking almost all of the risk, is it even possible to receive enough “economic benefits” to compensate for it?

David Anderson, former B.C. Liberal leader and former federal Minister of Environment, Fisheries and Oceans, said, “No amount of money can protect our coast, and no amount of money can repair the damage of a spill of heavy Alberta crude oil.”

Anderson recently produced a message on behalf of the Dogwood Initative that was

deployed to Premier Clark’s riding. During the automated phone call, Anderson said, “Clark needs to firmly say no to these risky projects.” He urged members of the riding to say the same.

The call included a poll on whether or not residents agreed with the pipeline plans. Eighty-one per cent stated they did not agree with the plans. Of those who disagreed with the plan, more than 90 per cent wouldn’t be swayed even by more money from Alberta or the implementation of world-class safety systems.

The question stands whether or not this is in the best interest of B.C.’s future.

Should we not be making efforts to turn away from fossil fuels and look for cleaner, more sustainable methods of energy? Most importantly, what happens when the oil runs out?

Premier Clark needs to listen to the residents of B.C. and understand that “no” means “no.”

Associate Associate Associate Associate Associate Associate

Features Editor / Vacant Opinions Editor / Vacant Photo Editor / Vacant Sports Editor / Vacant Art Director / Vacant Copy Editor / Vacant

CONTRIBUTORS: Ruth Jeyamanoharan, Sylvia Dang, Julia Vergara, Marissa Mallari, Alex Hawley, Kari Michaels, Hannah Ackeral, Chris Harcus, Connor Doyle Cover Photo: Max Hirtz BUSINESS DIVISION: Operations Manager / Vacant ops@runnermag.ca / 778-565-3801 Office Co-ordinator / Victoria Almond office@runnermag.ca / 778-565-3801

www.runnermag.ca | The Runner

FEATURE

vol. 4 issue 20 | August 21 2012 | page nine

GUIDE

The Runner’s (Unofficial)

Guide to Kwantlen Welcome, new and old students! Another school year begins. Another year of stress-free joy big, h happy rainbows.

We k know th thatt you can h handle fine without j and d bi i b W dl school h l jjustt fi ith t us, but we were bored this week, so here’s a back-to-school issue full of useful information.

Like where to find beer: The Grassroots Café in the Surrey campus. There! We’ve already solved at least one of your problems. If you’d like us to solve the rest of your problems – some of which you don’t even know you have yet – please continue reading. If this introduction hasn’t swayed you, you may be interested to know that a few of the pictures are in colour. Try to resist flipping the page. We dare you.

TRANSPORTATION

How to get around

MultiPass The MultiPass is Kwantlen’s version of the U-Pass that gives B.C. post-secondary students a subsidized transit pass, along with a rotating selection of extra services like a gym membership, a shuttle that travels between campuses, bike lockers and the Car2Go car sharing program.

For that wide variety of amazing services, we’re charged an extra $10 per month on top of the standard $30 fee for the basic transit pass that everyone else in Metro Vancouver pays. Something worth noting, Kwantlen students pay the same $30 fee for shitty bus service to all four of its campuses as UBC, SFU and other Lower Mainland students who benefit from SkyTrain or much, much better bus service.

You can pick up your MultiPass about a week before the first of every month in the library. Just remember to bring your student ID card.

The Shuttle The Kwantlen shuttle travels between the Surrey, Cloverdale and Langley campuses, offering a better-than-awful alternative to TransLink’s bus routes. By no means is it perfect, but it’s a good alternative to driving or busing between those three campuses.

The program is new, so the schedule is still relatively infrequent. Check the KSA‘s website for a full schedule, but it typically runs about every half-hour to hour.

Other Things . . .

If you drive to campus, we feel bad for you.

Have fun trying to find a parking spot on campus between the hours of 10:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m., and don’t even dare park on the residential streets around Surrey campus.

We have to pay for this shit? At least on the bus I can do my reading on my way to class.

If you’re a Richmond student, you’re lucky enough to have access to the Canada Line, you spoiled brat.

For the rest of us, we have to depend on a patchwork of awkwardly planned bus routes that are almost always extremely busy during rush hour and run stupidly infrequently at off-peak times. Too many people, too hot or too wet and damp, and way too long to get to the SkyTrain or your connecting bus.

God help you if you need to change buses at Newton Exchange or get anywhere close to where you live by taking the bus out in Langley.

By far, the best bus to service Kwantlen is the 301 express that runs between Richmond and Surrey. Sometimes you get to ride on a converted coach bus with big comfy seats and only one door. Sleep time..

FEAT

www.runnermag.ca | The Runner

GUIDE

Tim Hortons If you’re a slave to brand names you’ll need to transfer to Surrey or Richmond to take full advantage of Timmy Ho’s. You’ll be able to get your double-double just how you like it, but you’ll have to elbow your way through terribly long lines in the half-hour preceding the regular class times. If you’re taking late classes you’ll have only a tiny selection of stale donuts to pick from, but the lines are smaller.

Where to Drink So you’re in Post secondary now and what do you do to help with those sleepless study sessions?

Coffee, energy drinks, and spontaneous moments of sleep might seem like the answer to Post Secondary survival. But, to get those nerves calmed and for a clear mind I have one word for you, alcohol.

Yes, don’t tell the parents, but sweet, sweet alcohol should be one of the main things on the list for your survival kit. Here are a few places on all four campuses’ to get you alcoholic beverages. Please remember to drink responsibly.

Multicultural choices Kwantlen offers a variety of choice for people looking to indulge in another culture’s food. However, that choice will be a bland, westernized version of what would otherwise be delightful international cuisine.

All Sodexo cafeterias offer a stir fry or curry. Sometimes they do pierogies. I’ve seen it...once. In Surrey, the GrassRoots Café offers weekly specials like a delicious vegetarian thai coconut curry or taco salad.

Perhaps in the Fall we will see the return of Sushi Wednesday!

If you’re on the Richmond or Surrey campus, you’re in close proximity to some decent ethnic food choices, such as Indian sweet shops and restaurants, or the Lansdowne Mall’s array of Asian cuisine.

Langley and Cloverdale folk will have to suffer a fast food diet, or stick to on-campus options for the time being, or shuttle out to Surrey for lunch.

Surrey: Grassroots in Cedar building on campus offers a selection of beer and coolers for your consumption.

Earls, a 17 minute walk from campus located on 120st.

Vegetarian/vegan options

Richmond: Students I’m sorry, but there is nothing on campus for you. But, if you walk across the road you will find an Earls at Lansdowne Mall.

Ceili’s Irish Pub a 20 minute walk from campus, this pub is located on Westminster Highway.

Langley: Langley campus students I have some advice for you, the one way on Fraser Highway. The one way is just a 15 minute walk from campus and it features: Baselines Pub with $7.25 “Big Boy” Coronas and Heinekens on Fridays.

Cascades Casino MCBurney’s Coffee and Teahouse, which do not offer alcoholic beverages, but it is the best place to get a cup of coffee in Langley and offers free wifi.

Cloverdale: If you go to Cloverdale campus you are in luck because you go to a campus surrounded by restaurant option, but the place to go for a beer would have to be the Cloverdale Neighborhood Pub. This pub is just a 15 minute walk from campus, located on 180st. This is a great place to get 25 cent wings (Tuesdays and Wednesdays) and $5.50 beer (Mondays)

If your standard of subsistence is not starving to death, you might enjoy eating on campus every day as a vegetarian or vegan. If you have higher standards than that, you may want to pack your own lunches.

The on-campus food options for vegetarians are pretty dismal and they’re even worse if you are vegan; you’re looking at eating the same bland combination of carbs and sauces for all eternity.

The same grainy veggie patty is used at both the GrassRoots Café and Sodexo Cafeteria, so if you’re picky about your patties, that lunch option is out. If you’re vegan, don’t even bother, because they contain cheese. The veggie dogs are vegan, but often overcooked and the buns are dry. They’re not bad if you’re low on cash, since they’re one menu item at the GrassRoots Café that’s under $4.

Tim Horton’s is the newest addition to our campuses, and luckily, all the food tastes the same, so if you’re vegetarian it can be great for a quick breakfast option. Vegans have little to choose from; we recommend the hashbrowns.

Tl;dr: Get used to living on rice and potatoes ya hippie.

TURE

vol. 4 issue 20 | August 21 2012 | page nine

GrassRoots Café

Sodexo Cafeteria Sodexo runs the dedicated cafeterias on all four campuses (Sodexo also runs the campus Tim Hortons). Sodexo took some flak a few years ago from a criminology student for their corporate history when they took over running Kwantlen’s cafes. Most of their food tastes like it came from a plastic bag buried in the walk-in freezer, but they offer daily specials that offer some good variety. Beware their prices.

Where (and where not) to eat

The Grassroots Café is run by the KSA and offers an alternative to eating at the more corporate-y establishments. They offer some vegetarian options for food, the lines are usually smaller and they also serve decently-priced beer and coolers. It’s a long way from being a campus pub, but the Grassroots is an alright place to grab a quick drink after class.

GUIDE

page twelve | August 21 2012 | vol. 4 issue 20

The Runner | www.runnermag.ca

GUIDE

e’s the big cheese of the board of governors as chair and has his hands on the purse strings at Kwantlen. Needless to say, we want to be his friend (as do certain former student reps on the board of governors). Along with the president’s office, the chair has one of the biggest roles on campus. And salaries. Aw, we’re just giving you some guff, Mr. Schoberg.

H Alan Davis wantlen’s brand new president has loads of teaching experience at universities and colleges across North America, blah blah blah – go read the press release if you want to see his CV. In our estimation, what’s interesting about Davis is that he’s a published playwright. And while we’re not yet sure how his tenure will affect students, we’re willing to bet that he’s not a complete bore. Ahem. Hopefully, a dose of Shakespearean wit will take the edge off the absurdity that’s crept into the Kwantlen experience in years past.

K

Kwinten irst of all, we’re not sure if Kwinten is a male or a female eagle, but going off his name, we’re assuming it’s a “he.” Yes, he’s a fucking eagle. How many other schools’ teams are called the Eagles?

How many teams have Eagles as mascots?

Too many, Kwantlen, that’s how many. He has no character, no class, no sense of humour. And we hear he’s an alcoholic, he tips poorly and can’t cook. Did you notice that they serve eagle burgers at the GrassRoots?

Where does that meat come from?

F Gord Schoberg

adly, Lavack abruptly resigned her position from Kwantlen in mid-August.

Her diplomacy and easy-going personality brought the KPU administration down to a personable level. Her dedication to serving Kwantlen students first left a lasting impression on the university that will be felt for a long time. Remember when she said Kwantlen had a culture of “grumbling?” No grumbling here, Anne.

S

Terri Van Steinberg he Kwantlen faculty has an association too, just like students do. And the KPU administration cares as much about them as they do the Kwantlen Student Association. Let’s hope both the KSA and the KFA remember that interests often align in standing up to the university when they sometimes, kind of, a little bit, make decisions that fuck everyone over. Cough.

T

Anne Lavack

You he metaphorical everystudent: this place couldn’t run without students (and their money). And Coast Capital’s money. But students, yes, they are important too. The whole reason that universities exist is to educate students – to arm them intellectually for success when they leave campus. So, as long as you’ve paid your tuition, make sure you take advantage of every opportunity you’re provided.

T

GUIDE

www.runnermag.ca | The Runner

vol. 4 issue 20 | August 21 2012 | page thirteen

GUIDE

n case you missed it, KSA politics took a turn for the worse in years past – if that’s even possible. Arzo Ansary and Christopher Girodat both played big roles in the special general meeting, pepper-spray debacle last year that upended the ridiculously controversial council that tried to shut down The Runner. Tony Chiao is a former KSA volunteer and Amrit Mahil has kept a low profile, so we know next-to-nothing about him. And while the current executives don’t hate The Runner as much as last year’s board – well, we’re working on it. Before that happens, though, it’s a safe bet that the usual boycotts, Cram Jam overspending and dismal attendance at KSA events will continue to put palms on foreheads.

Arzo Ansary

Tony Chiao

Iman Ghahremani

Chris Girodat

e have hopes, such high hopes that now, finally, this time, we’ll have student reps on the senate and board of governors who care more about speaking up for students than they care about their resumes and their LinkedIn networks and their hideous business-casual wear. There we said it.

Girodat is chairperson of the KSA executive and director of student services, and, between his KSA commitments and senate seat, seemingly doesn’t have a life outside of caring deeply about students and making sure they have an okay time at Kwantlen.

W

Amrit Mahil

people to know

I

Kari Michaels

Michaels has a staff position at the KSA and is the most likely of the four to piss off the KPU administrators with her - oh my god - her concern for being heard as a student on campus. A student who cares about Kwantlen? Shocking.

Ghahremani and Penland grew mustaches as an election gag. They still haunt us. These two are the most likely to wear the business-casual garb we mentioned elsewhere and are also the most likely to become successful business executives and to land sweet appointments on the Kwantlen board of governors later in life. Mustaches.

Jared Penland

page fourteen | August 21 2012 | vol. 4 issue 20

FEATURE

The Runner | www.runnermag.ca

GUIDE

How to get involved

Why you should get involved If you’re one of those students (like us) that gagged at the thought of school involvement in high school, joining clubs in university might be the thing for you. Please bear with us, the word club, group, or participation makes some of us nauseated too!

But, fellow students sometimes you need these clubs just so you don’t accidentally slip arsenic into someone’s drink. Joining clubs in university can open up your social world to like-minded people, who don’t make you want to throw heavy objects at, because you are now educated and realize how ignorant your friends really are. Not only do clubs provide a good social atmosphere that you are looking for, but they look stellar on your resume, and are a great way to build your portfolio for your dream career that you will strive to have the chance to be interviewed for.

So, we put together a (slightly unbiased) list of a few clubs available at Kwantlen for your convenience. For a more comprehensive list of clubs check out the KSA website.

The Runner & Pulp A kick-ass publication, (if we say so ourselves), The Runner has been providing Kwantlen with an award-winning news source for the past three years. If your life’s aspiration is to take down “the man,” and impeach him, then this is the place for you!

For people wanting to write, or aspiring journalists who want to start building their portfolio, we can teach you the ins and outs of the industry. If you are interested in joining The Runner you can contact our coordinating editor at editor@runnermag.ca or come up to our office on the third floor of the Surrey campus library and say, “Hi!” A new-comer to Kwantlen, Pulp provides students who are interested in creative writing and art a chance to get their work published. If you are interested in getting involved or submitting one of your pieces you can send an email to info@pulpmag. ca”

Social Justice clubs Pride Kwantlen Kwantlen’s official group for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning, two-spirit students and their allies. This club is open to everyone of all genders and sexualities. Come and show your pride. Email them at queer@kusa.ca.

WOOW Kwantlen’s official feminist club, a place to discussion topical issues including the underrepresentation of women. Men, do not fear you are also invited to participate in discussion on how to bring more awareness and opportunity to women on campus. Considering you are all in University this club is a great way to become for self aware, and bring light to issues that directly affect equality. Get involved and contact Reena Bali at reena.bali@kwantlen.net or Kari Michaels at karilysa.em@ gmail.com Aboriginal Students Club Open to all ethnicities, The Aboriginal students club organizes opportunities for student of Aboriginal decent to become more culturally aware and conscious. To get involved contact Melinda Bige at Melinda_bige@hotmail.com or Karissa Paull at inutilus@shaw.ca

Academic clubs Kwantlen Creative Writers Guild This club provides aspiring writers a chances to meet and review each other’s writing. It’s a great way to get constructive feedback and surround yourself with like minded people. To get involved contact Connor Doyle at easy.writer@live.ca or Claire Mathews at c.matthews39@gmail.com.

Grey Matters This group is perfect for activist like students. It provides students with a way to discuss topical issues in a comfortable setting. Get in the discussion by contacting Arzo Ansary at arzo.ansary@gmail.com or Kari Michaels.

What the . . . clubs?

Glee Club If you like the show... be ashamed. But, Kwantlen’s Glee Club can provide you with a chance to be goofy and sing your favorite songs out loud, in public, and without shame.

To join contact Chris Girodat at Christopher.Girodat@kwantlen.net Boarding Party For gaming enthusiasts Boarding Party is designed for a group of people to board, I mean play various games (board or video like) and eat free food. To join contact Scott Jacobsen (scott.d.jacobsen@gmail.com) or Daniel McCully (daniel.t.mccully@gmail.com).

www.runnerrag.ca | The Runner

CULTURE

vol. 4 issue 20 | August 21 2012 | page fifteen

POETRY

Kwantlen instructor releases Titanic poetry collection Billeh Nickerson looks at the 1912 disaster from a new angle in Impact: The Titanic Poems ICONNOR DOYLE

The spectre of the Titanic has lingered in our imaginations for more than a hundred years. Is she unable to move on from this world, or are we unable to let her go?

Billeh Nickerson’s Impact: The Titanic Poems breathes this question with every line of poetry, weaving through the wreckage of broken lives and sunken stories to find the beauty that lies behind the disaster.

Nickerson’s poetry builds upon the mythology of the Titanic, already irrecoverably

worn into our culture through countless works of art in the century since her sinking. Rather than glamorizing, criticizing or romanticizing any aspect of the Unsinkable Ship, Nickerson seeks to expose many of the intimate, often heartbreaking stories intertwined with that fated maiden voyage.

His delicate touch and keen eye for resonant imagery make even the simple story of a woman drying her clothes in the shadow of the Titanic into an evocative contrast of the minuscule with the massive.

These poems turn the reader into an omniscient voyeur, able to see into the hearts of everyone affected by the tragedy: the men who built the colossal vessel; its many passengers, ranging from the elite to the marginalized lower classes; from the survivors, the dead, and the family members; even the daughter of the Halifax embalmer who foresees her father’s busy hands working “to make things beautiful again.”

The collection focuses on the disaster’s emotional impact on those aboard the Ti-

tanic as much as the literal collision of ship’s metal with ice. Nickerson uses sparse language to allow the gravitas of everything that surrounded the ship’s sinking to remain with the events themselves.

Like a caring guide, Nickerson takes the reader by hand on a journey through the ghosts of the Titanic, pausing where necessary to show us the blessed humanity that won’t let us forget what happened in the Atlantic Ocean on the night of April 14, 1912.

FASHION

Kwantlen student wins museum’s design competition I MARISSA MALLARI

Kwantlen student Elisa Medina won the Museum of Vancouver’s first-ever Art Deco Design Challenge in June.

The competition was created to inspire fashion and design students from all over the Lower Mainland, and coincided with the museum’s Art Deco Chic exhibition.

Competitors were encouraged to grasp inspiration from the Art Deco-era garments on display and create their own unique designs.

“We felt that a lot of the period clothes were really wearable and they had ideas in them that we liked and that we wished were in the clothes that were available to us now, and this was one way of encouraging young designers to come and have a close look at the garments and get their creative juices going,” said Joan Seidl, director of collections and exhibitions for the museum.

Medina, a third-year bachelor of design, fashion and technology student, was among the top three winners. Each received a $200 bursary to be used toward the creation of their design.

“There were some easy decisions and some hard ones, and there were some really

clearly outstanding ones it was very easy to say belonged in the top ten, but it was hard narrowing it down from 10 to three,” said Seidl.

“I wasn’t planning on being part of the top three, which was a really nice surprise and just kind of getting to actually make what I designed has been very fun,” said Medina.

After moving to Canada from Ecuador in 2008, Medina’s passion for fashion and design didn’t fully emerge until her graduating year of high school.

“I found that fashion and designing clothes was my media to just express myself creatively,” she said.

Medina was inspired to enter the competition by her personal attachment to the era on display. “I love the 1920s and 30s,” she said. “When I saw the exhibition, I was really inspired by it and I thought it would be something fun to do and to put into my portfolio.”

This is the first time the Museum of Vancouver has held a competition like this, but maybe not the last. “There’s always an interest in fashion exhibits and I think that we’ll do other fashion exhibits in the future so maybe we could have another competi-

tion in the future probably relating to those, looking at different time periods,” suggested Seidl.

Seidl advises any future competitors to “spend time with the historical garments, look at them closely, look at the way that

people treat fabric, and use your imagination.”

Medina’s and the other winners’ garments will be on display at the museum from Sept. 1-23, 2012.

Elisa Medina, the winner of the Art Deco Design Challenge. PHOTO COURTESY KWANTLEN

CULTURE

page sixteen | August 21 2012 | vol. 4 issue 20

The Runner | www.runnerrag.ca

MUSIC

Kwantlen open mic to return in September

I

TABITHA SWANSON ASSOCIATE CULTURE EDITOR

Kwantlen’s open mic series at the GrassRoots Café in Surrey will be returning in September, according to the café’s management.

The Kwantlen Open Mic, which just ended its last round of weekly shows for the summer, has been gaining more attention over the last few weeks. The event, which kicked off July 5 and continued until Aug. 9, featured singers and songwriters, a few guitar players and a lot

of karaoke. Talents of all areas and skill levels are welcomed, including spoken word, instruments of all sorts and even interpretive dance.

“I was very excited to introduce the wonderful talents at Kwantlen,” said Kari Michaels in reference to being the MC of the very first open mic evening on July 5.

“It was a very energizing and refreshing experience to have so many wonderful performers at the café.”

Adam Rhode, the manager at the GrassRoots Café, considers the series a success and good for business.

“It definitely improves the student life at the café as well as on campus. It will bring more and more people to this end of the campus and to experience what the café has to offer,” he said.

The easygoing, homey atmosphere of the Grassroots Café and the laid-back feel of the open mic nights make it comfortable for anyone to join, including both students and staff.

“When we do this in September and do this later in the evening, this will really improve and get better and better every day,” said Rhode.

MUSIC

The Runner’s guide to open mic events in Vancouver

I

TABITHA SWANSON MAX HIRTZ

So, you’ve seen what the Grassroots Café’s open mic series has to offer, and now you want more.

You wake up every night in a cold sweat, screaming the same question into your tear-drenched pillow: Why, oh why, Lord, does Kwantlen’s open mic event only happen once a week, and why are there no performances in August?

Have no fear, dear reader. The Runner is here to end your suffering. Here is a list of several other open mics in the Lower Mainland.

We actually got off our asses and called them all, too, so this list is at least 99 per cent accurate. Rejoice!

Keep in mind, however, that each venue has its own specific restrictions and rules for performers, so it’s a good idea to call ahead of time if this concerns you.

Also, remember that open mics have notoriously short lifespans.

Approximately half of the events on this list will have shut down by the time you finish reading this sentence.

Again: call ahead.

Vancouver Anavets Unit #298 Legion Hall Phone: (604) 879-1020 Time: Mondays at 9:00 ANZA Club Phone: (604) 876-7128 Time: Thursdays at 10:00 Café Deux Soleils Phone: (604) 254-1195 Time: Thursdays at 9:00 Corduroy Lounge Phone: (604) 733-0162 Time: Tuesdays at 8:30 Darby’s Phone: (604) 731-0617 Time: Sundays at 9:00 Displace Hashery Phone: (604) 736-0212 Time: Tuesdays at 9:00 El Barrio Phone: (604) 569-2220 Time: Fridays at 8:30 Fairview Pub Phone: (604) 872-1262 Time: Wednesdays at 9:00

Libra Room Phone: (604) 255-3787 Time: Mon. + Tues. at 9:00 Pat’s Pub Phone: (604) 255-4301 Time: Mondays at 9:00 The Beaver at Samesun Phone: (604) 682-8226 Time: Tuesdays at 9:00 Wired Monk Phone: (604) 742-1752 Time: Saturdays at 7:30

Courtesy vectorportal.com

Surrey Amberjack’s Tap House Phone: (604) 588-9511 Time: Tuesdays at 9:00 p Jack’s Pub Phone: (604) 580-6477 Time: Thursdays at 8:00 Olympia Pizza Phone: (604) 584-1388 Time: Tues. + Thurs. at 8:00

White Rock Burnaby Great Bear Pub Phone: (604) 433-2388 Time: Mondays at 9:00

Port Moody Gallagher’s Phone: (604) 461-4717 Time: Thursdays at 7:00

Sandpiper Pub Phone: (604) 531-7625 Time: Thursdays at 8:00 Uli’s Restaurant Phone: (604) 538-9373 Time: Sundays at 8:00 West Beach Bar & Grill Phone: (604) 541-7655 Time: Wed. + Sun. at 8:30

CULTURE

www.runnerrag.ca | The Runner

vol. 4 issue 20 | August 21 2012 | page seventeen

TV

Eight fresh TV shows to keep an eye on over the next few months ICHRIS HARCUS

Elementary

With the enourmously high number of TV shows coming out every Fall, it can be a challenge keeping up.

Before you start stressing out about it this year, take a look at The Runner’s list of a few of the most promising major network shows of the upcoming season.

Partners Taking the coveted time slot of the overwhelmingly popular sitcom Two and a Half Men, and preceding the widely loved How I Met Your Mother, CBS obviously has high hopes for its new bromance comedy Partners. Created by Will and Grace’s Max Mutchnick and David Kohan, Partners tells the story of two lifelong friends and business partners (Ugly Betty’s Michael Urie and Numb3rs’ star David Krumholtz) struggling friendship. Partners is scheduled to debut on September 24.

666 Park Avenue Starring Lost’s Tery O’Quinn, Desperate Housewives’ Vanessa Williams, Brothers & Sisters’ Dave Annable, and Grey’s Anatomy’s Rachael Taylor, ABC’s supernatural drama 666 Park Avenue hopes to win audiences over with both TV star-power and mysterious storytelling. Based on the Gabriella Pierce novel of the same name, 666 Park Avenue tells the story of a couple that moves into an apartment complex that might be possessed by a supernatural force. 666 Park Avenue debuts on ABC in September.

Terry O’Quinn and Vanessa Williams star in ABC’s supernatural drama 666 Park Avenue, airing in September.

Hannibal NBC’s intriguing new drama Hannibal follows the early career of the famous psychiatrist turned cannibalistic serial killer, Hannibal Lecter (made famous in 1991’s The Silence of the Lambs). Said to focus on the relationship between FBI criminal profiler Will Graham (Hugh Dancy) and Dr. Hannibal Lecter (Casino Royale’s Mads Mikkelsen) before becoming a serial killer, Hannibal should hopefully provide insight into the demented and fascinating mind of one of cinema’s most famous serial killers.

Early 2013.

How to Live with Your Parents (for the Rest of Your Life) In spite of the ridiculously long title, ABC’s new comedy How to Live With Your Parents (For the Rest of Your Life) definitely has potential. Starring the always lovable Sarah Chalke (Scrubs, How I Met Your Mother) as a newly-divorced mother forced to move back in with her eccentric parents (Weeds’ Elizabeth Perkins and Everybody Loves Raymond’s Brad Garrett), How To Live With Parents follows Chalke as she deals with her new living situations, her ex-husband, and her own child as she attempts to begin a new life. Early 2013.

Guys with Kids While admittedly a low-brow concept, Guys with Kids could turn out to be one of the funniest new shows of the fall. Produced by comedian Jimmy Fallon and written by Charlie Grandy, a writer for The Office and Saturday Night Live, Guys with Kids follows three immature thirty-something single fathers who attempt raise their infant children while still being able to hang out and do typical guy things. Guys With Kids debuts on NBC, September 26.

Lucy Liu and Jonny Lee Miller star in Elementary, a contemporary Sherlock Holmes show set to air in September.

With the massive success of a recently released movie and a hit BBC series, it seems audiences can’t enough of Sherlock Holmes. CBS hopes to capitalize on this demand with its new crime drama Elementary. A more contemporary and modern reimagining of the classic Sherlock Holmes character set in the United States, Elementary features Jonny Lee Miller as the famous Sherlock Holmes, and (in a surprising casting choice) Charlie’s Angels’ Lucy Liu as Watson. September.

Arrow Despite the bland name, The CW’s new comic-based drama Arrow looks like a promising new series that deserves to be on your radar. Created by Greg Berlanti (No Ordinary Family) and Mark Guggenheim (a writer for DC and Marvel), Arrow is set to tell the story of DC Comics superhero The Green Arrow in a gritty, dark style made popular by Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy. The CW has scheduled Arrow’s debut for Wednesday, October 10.

The Goodwin Games Coming from the creative minds behind the hit sitcom How I Met Your Mother, Fox’s new comedy series seems prepped and ready to deliver a new cast of quirky characters similar to those that made their previous sitcom such a hit. Becki Newton (known for roles on both Ugly Betty and as a new recurring character on How I Met Your Mother), Scott Foley (The Unit) and comedian T. J. Miller star as three siblings hoping to inherit their late father’s fortune. However, when the father’s will requires them to complete a series of increasingly ridiculous tasks in order to earn the inheritance, it’s obvious that the audience is in for plenty of hilarious, cartoonish situations similar to the much beloved hijinks of How I Met Your Mother’s Barney Stinson. Fox’s comedy of sibling rivalry is expected to air during fall’s Tuesday night comedy block.

page eighteen | August 21 2012 | vol. 4 issue 20

CULTURE

www.runnerrag.ca | The Runner

POP CULTURE

Culture Roundup Your monthly revue of pop culture – from the amusing to the irreverent

Gallagher vs. Gallagher

Insane Clown Posse peeved

British rock band Beady Eye’s heartfelt rendition of Oasis’ classic hit “Wonderwall” during London’s Olympic closing ceremony was almost cancelled due to a decade-long sibling rivalry between former Oasis members Liam and Noel Gallagher. Merely days before the closing ceremony, Noel finally gave the band permission to use the song.

Detroit’s horrorcore hip-hop act Insane Clown Posse has stated their plans to sue the FBI for labeling their fans (who refer to themselves as Juggalos) as a gang and a national threat.

The band and its fans, which are known for wearing black-and-white clown-like makeup, were first declared a threatening gang by the FBI in 2011.

R.I.P. WB straight-t0-DVD

Lil Wayne bored with rap

Warner Brothers plans on shutting down its direct-to-video division. The company has stated that “given the decline in the direct-to-video film market and shifting business models in the production of digital series, the decision was made to close Warner Premiere.” However, Warner Brothers does plan to continue releasing animation movies via its Warner Home Video label.

Rapper Lil Wayne has recently proclaimed that he is taking a break from rapping so he can pursue his new hobby: skateboarding. Wayne claims his desire to take a break comes from his fear of overexposure and suddenly finding rapping to be “pretty boring.” Wayne’s new fixation is skateboarding, which he describes as his new “lifestyle” before going on to speak about the new skateboarding ramps he has built.

PROCRASTINATION

www.runnermag.ca | The Runner

STARS

SKI NINJAS DOUBLE FEATURE

LEO July 24 - Aug. 23

AQUARIUS Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

Avoid rice in August, but try to eat it often in September. Avoid it again in October. By November, all of your problems will have disappeared.

August is a good month for you. You aura will become bright orange, like a carrot. The carrot gods are on your side. No one will harm you now.

VIRGO Aug. 24 - Sept. 23 Virgo. Look what you’ve done. You thought it was your little secret, didn’t you? I’m not sure if I should laugh at your foolishness or slap you in the face with a box of Ritz Bitz. Shame on you.

LIBRA Sept. 24 - Oct. 23

PISCES Feb. 20 - March 20 Hey, Pisces! How’s it going? You’re looking good!

Unlike Virgo over there. Look at that flab. Look at that stupid smile on Virgo’s stupid face. We still on for Sunday? Great!

ARIES March 21 - April 19

A meteor is going to fall on your head in, like, five minutes. Wish it didn’t have to end this way, but there’s nothing I can do. Good luck with that.

All of your Libra friends are going to die in, like, five minutes unless you know how to stop a meteor going 25,000 mph. Also, don’t forget to call Tom.

SCORPIO Oct. 24 - Nov. 22

The Spirit Mother suggests that you keep this ancient proverb looping in your mind: He who owns a fish owns a lemondade stand, but he who orders fries with his burger should watch out for lice.

SAGITTARIUS Nov. 23 - Dec. 21

TAURUS April 20 - May 20

The tiger who swims twice as fast also falls three times faster than an apple and half as fast as a drunken gorilla. Just think about it. Your life will depend on it one day very soon.

GEMINI May 21 - June 20

Congratulations on the new Nissan, and good luck on that job interview you’ve been dreading. You won’t get it! You will get it! You won’t/will get it!

CAPRICORN Dec. 22 - Jan. 20 Knock, knock. Who’s there? Libra. Fuck off, Libra!

Under no circumstances should you hire a Sagittarius this month. Your company would instantly go bankrupt, and everyone in the office would die a horrible, horrible, horrible death.

CANCER June 21 - July 23 You’re going to have to murder someone this month.

Actually a few people. All of them Libras. Any Libras you can find. Just start with family members and go from there. Good luck.

vol. 4 issue 20 | August 21 2012 | page nineteen

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