Vol. 5. Iss. 17

August

22

2013

News and culture for Kwantlen Polytechnic University, by the students, for the students since 2009

Welcome to Kwantlen What you need to know to survive university

FIND US ONLINE / WWW.RUNNERMAG.CA / TWITTER.COM/RUNNERMAG /

FACEBOOK.COM/RUNNERPAPER

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Masthead

The Runner

August 22 / 2013

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The Runner is student-owned and operated

by Kwantlen Polytechnic University students, published under the Polytechnic Ink Publishing Society.

Arbutus 3710/3720 12666 72 Ave. Surrey, B.C, V3W 2M8 778.565.3801

www.runnermag.ca Vol. 05, Issue no. 17 August 22, 2013 ISSN# 1916 8241

EDITORIAL DIVISON Coordinating Editor / Matt DiMera editor@runnermag.ca / 778.565.3803

News Editor / Sarah Schuchard news@runnermag.ca

Culture Editor / Bianca Pencz culture@runnermag.ca

Media Editor / Sasha Mann media@runnermag.ca

Production Editor / Roland Nguyen production@runnermag.ca

Associate News Editor / Brian Evancic Associate Opinion Editor / Hannah Ackeral

Welcome to university The Runner’s advice on how to succeed at KPU. Welcome to Kwantlen, the best (and only) polytechnic university in Canada.

Most of us KPU veterans have a love/hate relationship with our school and we expect that soon you will too.

About 18,000 students will take classes at KPU this year on our four campuses. Many of you are coming here directly from high school, others are coming back to school after taking a year (or five) off. We’ve only been a university since 2008 and if you’re like us you’ll soon grow to hate it when people still call us Kwantlen College.

Some of you are here to raise your GPA, so you can transfer to UBC or SFU, but a growing number of you will stay and finish a degree here. A lot of you are here because it’s close to home and the tuition is less exorbitant than some other places – although still too damn high.

Cover Photo. Sarah Schuchard

The food from the cafeteria is awful and over-priced, there are no dorms, and some days you will swear that you’re still in high school.

BUSINESS DIVISION

But it’s not all bad. Your experience here will depend largely on how much you put into it and there’s a secret to surviving the corridors of KPU: find something you’re interested in and get involved.

Operation Manager / Victoria Almond office@runnermag.ca / 778.565.3801

The Runner recognises that our work, both in and out of the office, takes place on unceded Coast and Strait Salish territories, specifically the shared traditional territories of the Kwantlen, Katzie, Semiahmoo, Sto:lo and Tsawwassen First Nations. Our name is inspired by the hun’qumi’num meaning of Kwantlen, which is tireless hunters or tireless runners. Just as Kwantlen is adaptable and changing so is The Runner.

Join a club. Write for The Runner. Get involved in student politics. Volunteer for KPU’s leadership conference.

There are countless opportunities to do more than just attend classes and it’ll make your university experience that much richer. You’ll make friends, get experience for your résumé and gain valuable leadership skills.

Trust us. When you’re drowning in homework and group projects, it’ll give you something to look forward to.

The Runner has put together this abbreviated guide for you with other tips on how to succeed and survive at Kwantlen.

Welcome to KPU.

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The Runner

August 22 / 2013

Advertisement

The Runner calls!

Writers.

Photographers.

Illustrators.

Reporters.

Any questions?

You’ll fit right in.

Contact write@runnermag.ca for more information.

We’re looking for people like you.

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Guide

KPU clubs While there are too many to list individually, here are a few of Kwantlen’s most active clubs.

The Runner

Pride Kwantlen Pride Kwantlen supports all people who are queer (including but not limited to people who identify as Two Spirit, bisexual, lesbian, gay, and pansexual, as well as people who do not identify with these labels), queerpositive, gender-variant and/or intersex. Join to volunteer, advocate or just to make new friends. Contact queer@kusa.ca for more details.

August 22 / 2013

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Women Organizing Opportunities For Women (WOOW) Kwantlen’s feminist collective organizes events and supports campaigns that raise awareness about women’s issues in the local community and around the world.

WOOW is open to members of any gender identity who want to help further gender equality. Contact kpu.woow@gmail.com for more details.

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The Runner

Guide

August 22 / 2013

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31 things to do at Kwantlen before you graduate The KPU bucket list.

1 • Join a club, get involved at school. You will meet people that are like you, and you will maybe develop a friendship that isn’t centred around drinking in a park.

2 • Write for The Runner.

3

• Take a class that is outside your major (especially if you are a business student).

Learning is fun and valuable.

4 • Take advantage of free* stuff from the KSA (*not actually free, you pay them lots of student fees).

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• Go get drunk with your student loan money. Alcohol. Just lots of alcohol.

6 • Fail at least one class (We know, crazy right, but it will give you perspective, and it builds character).

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• Take advantage of free school counseling, even if you think you don’t need it.

Maintaining good mental health in university

is important, especially having to deal with becoming an adult, and growing pains and stuff.

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• Read a book at the library that you aren’t required to.

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• Pet the turtle who lives in the Surrey campus pond (don’t actually try to touch wildlife. One word: salmonella).

• Ride in the Vancouver Gay Pride parade on the Kwantlen float.

16 • Sunbathe on the hill next to the Surrey pond.

17 • Take a photography class.

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• Vote in the Kwantlen Student Association (KSA) elections.

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• Check out a student fashion show from the Richmond fashion program.

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• Complain bitterly about how the KSA spends its money.

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• Revamp your resume and get interview-ready at career services.

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• Try food you never thought to try before – samosas, sushi, lasagna, haggis.

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• Take the campus shuttle and visit Langley

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20 • Volunteer with START. 21 • Use ratemyprofessor.com to take an

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• Make out with someone special in the library stacks.

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• Enter the Halloween costume contest in Richmond.

27 • Organize a protest on campus.

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• Participate in the Holi Festival on Surrey campus.

29 • Attend a field school and see the world.

entire semester with KPU’s hottest faculty members.

30 • Save a cheerleader, save the world.

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31 • Make friends with campus security.

23 • Photobomb graduation pictures.

• Have sex in your mom’s car in the parking lot.

• Drink cheap beer in the GrassRoots Café on Surrey campus.

• Attend an Eagles game and flirt with Kwinten, the KPU mascot.

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• Join the KPU Glee Club and become the next Rachel Berry.

Creative Writing Guild The guild gives aspiring writers, as well as those who are just interested in creative writing, an open forum to share their work, get feedback and meet other writers. Contact creativewritingguild@gmail.com for more details.

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Guide

The Runner

August 22 / 2013

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Notes on a political scandal (or three) A brief history of the Kwantlen Student Association.

If you’re new to Kwantlen, you may have already heard snippets and rumours about the Kwantlen Student Association (KSA).

Did they steal student money? Did they interfere with elections? Did they summon demons from the innermost circle of hell?

Well fret not intrepid reader, for we have compiled a painstaking and exhaustively researched document detailing the goings-on of one of the most controversial student association in Canadian history.

Let’s begin.

2005-2006 - RAF The Reduce All Fees (RAF) era was a short, but memorable time in Kwantlen’s history. RAF, headed by Aaron Takhar, is most famous for allegedly mismanaging roughly $2 million of student money. A preliminary audit of RAF finances suggested Takhar directed $67,000 to his own consulting firm. Clever move. It was a more glamorous time in Kwantlen history, where attending a Special General Meeting could win you an $8,000 vacation.

While we at The Runner love to celebrate a well executed bit of alleged fraud, we also wish that there had been some public resolutions to the staggering level of accused financial mismanagement. The civil lawsuit against Takhar and the other RAF members was eventually dropped. They walked away from Kwantlen with a clean record and were never made to return any money. Eventually RAF agreed to a new student election instead of facing a B.C. Supreme Court case.

They were ousted from power. All beautiful things must eventually end.

2006-2011 This was a fairly quiet era in Kwantlen history. I mean, there were still lawsuits: mostly between the KSA and the Canadian Federation of Students. And the council, who had

an adversarial relation with the past board, prepared a lawsuit against RAF. But the next board saw that it didn’t go through.

2011-2012 - RAF 2.0 They weren’t officially linked to RAF — slates had been banned from Kwantlen politics by that time — but the ties between the two councils were thicker than water.

Justine Franson, the director of operations, turned out to be Aaron Takhar’s sister. Nina Sandhu, director of finance, turned out to be their cousin. These discoveries were made by our coordinating editor Matt DiMera. He won awards and stuff.

There were charming elements of this board’s reign, such as chairperson Harman Bassi insisting on being referred to by the names of famous rappers like Birdman and Diddy. That was cute. But mostly, this board was really, really awful. We saw the lawsuit against RAF dropped. We saw private security hired to keep concerned students out of council meetings. We saw more than $125,000 spent on a back-to-school show with low-key pop star Jay Sean. The board didn’t like The Runner’s coverage of them, and tried to withhold our funding. The shit went down on Nov. 30, 2011. Students angry at the KSA organized a special general meeting to oust the board. Before the vote could take place, a fire alarm was pulled twice and students were pepper sprayed.

Someone evidently didn’t want to see the board be removed.

That didn’t stop 352 students from unanimously voting to impeach 12 KSA board members and put them in bad standing.

2012 - Now The time between Nov. 30, 2011 and his resignation, can fairly be called the reign of Christopher Girodat. Girodat was instru-

mental in getting rid of the previous board, and went on to be the chairperson and face of the KSA. His keen knowledge of student association policies and procedures led to a by-the-books take on student politics.

Money stopped being squandered, more or less. Students were allowed back into meetings. The KSA started to behave like a real student association again: a comfortingly boring entity. Without the threat of being pepper-sprayed or sued, the KSA stopped being fearfully whispered about in Kwantlen corridors. People only start to care about student politics when they get really bad. The relative apathy we’ve seen towards the KSA since 2012 is likely a sign that things are running smoothly enough.

The post-2012 KSA has had its failings though. It lacked the courage to stand up to its opponents. Under the threat of a lawsuit, the KSA granted club status to an anti-abortion group, going directly against its own pro-choice policy. Similarly, a lawsuit with members of the previous board led to the KSA paying the legal fees of the impeached defendants. That was ridiculous.

We’re hoping the newest version of the KSA grows a spine.

It seems likely that both the good and bad elements that marked Girodat’s time at the KSA will go with him, as he leaves the KSA board for a paid position with the students’ union at Capilano University. The rigid nature of meetings under Girodat’s chairing meant that a lot of good ideas got sentenced to bureaucratic limbo.

With a new board focused more on results than rules, there’s a possibility that the KSA could push Kwantlen towards becoming a university that people aren’t scared or ashamed of going to. Not pocketing your money seems like a good place to start.

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The Runner

August 22 / 2013

An executive affair The four faces who run your student association.

Arzo Ansary: director of student life

At The Runner, we cover the Kwantlen Student Association (KSA) constantly.

Years of reporting on scandals and bad decisions by the KSA have made us cynical about the association as a whole. We don’t tend to praise them.

However, we have to say that — despite our skepticism towards pretty much all politicians — we’re excited for the possibilities that the current group presents. We’re reasonably optimistic that the four executive members of the KSA won’t repeat the same mistakes of past boards, and will push Kwantlen into becoming a better, more politically radical school.

But if they do end up doing a bad job, we reserve the right to rip them to pieces.

We’re not quite sure if Arzo Ansary sleeps.

Besides working and parenting, Ansary is the director of student services, chair of the KSA executive, and the women’s representative. In her previous positions at the KSA, Ansary managed to merge her strong feminist ideals with a political savvy. She will likely do the same in this role. Ansary is outgoing, sharp-witted and articulate. She previously served as director of external affairs, before becoming the KSA head honcho.

Richard Hosein: director of external affairs Richard Hosein ran in the last provincial election, and would have made an excellent Green Party MLA had he won a seat. British Columbia’s loss is Kwantlen’s gain though, because Hosein is a smart dude. He runs the students of colour constituency group and founded an environmental club on campus.

Hosein also passed a referendum to create KPIRG: a separate social justice group to research and support progressive initiatives on campus.

Melinda Bige: director of student life

Gaurav (Bhulla) Kumar: director of finance

Melinda Bige is a badass activist who we at The Runner are happy to have overseeing student life. She has two pet parrots who live on a steady diet of hip hop and Buffy Sainte-Marie. As an advocate for aboriginal, women’s and queer rights, Bige has little time for the often timid politics of the KSA. She’s been outspoken in the past and unafraid to call other council members out on their shit. Conclusion: Bige is a kind, funny and intelligent person. Just don’t piss her off.

As well as being keeper of the coin, Gaurav Kumar is also a business representative for the KSA. We liked his campaign slogan “Vote for me, I do stuff!” Despite this, Kumar hasn’t made much of a splash yet. His most memorable moment was when he moved meetings from noon to 2 p.m., so he didn’t have to wake up as early. We don’t blame him. Mornings are hell.

Guide

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Guide

The Runner

August 22 / 2013

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Alan Davis (head honcho/ university president)

Kwantlen Senate

The Board of Governors

Kwantlen senate is the head academic governing body that oversees how some of the university budget is spent and decides/approves all things academic. In simpler terms they determine who graduates, who receives honourary degrees, if Kwantlen will have a new bachelors degree etc. The university president oversees this body along with a number of faculty representatives, deans, staff representatives, and the provost. Also serving on the senate are four students elected by their peers, these representatives have seats on the KSA’s council.

4 senate representatives (may decline their seat on the KSA council)

The Kwantlen Student Association

4 executive directors (appointed from within the council’s representatives)

The board of governors is in control of the university’s finances, revenue, property and business. It is composed of 15 members, including the university president. The university chancellor chairs this body. Eight of the board’s members are appointed by the Lieutenant-Governor-In-Council. A faculty member is elected in, and two student representatives are elected in by Kwantlen students.

The Kwantlen Student Association is what a portion of your fees go towards. The student association is there for the purpose of meeting student’s needs and advocating for student rights. The KSA is composed of four executive directors - finance, student life, student service and external affairs and a bazillion other representatives detailed below.

7 constituency representatives

4 campus representatives

14 faculty representatives

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The Runner

Guide

August 22 / 2013

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The fees you didn’t know you were paying The details are in the fine print.

You’ve saved up your money working

KSA Operating Fund

KSA Peer Counselling

three jobs this summer so you can pay for school. School is good, it’s supposed to teach you new things, make you a better, intellectual person who can give back to the community with an upstanding, influential job.

But, what you might not know is that on top of your basic tuition, you are paying a truckload of extra fees to the university and to the Kwantlen Student Association (KSA).

If you are taking four classes this semester you will pay a bare minimum of $1,512. On top of that the extra fees that you will pay for the fall semester adds up to $567.63. Let us break it down for you. Cue info graph (Just kidding, who do you think we are? Seriously?).

Basically you pay this just for the student association to exist. This pays for everything from student politician salaries to insurance to utility bills to election costs. $45

This fee has been collected for a while now but we’re still waiting for this program to launch. $1.80

KSA Bursary Fund This money goes to funding student bursaries. $1

KSA Lobby Fund This fund has paid for lobbying efforts like getting the U-Pass. It also pays for many of the conferences KSA elected officials travel to across the country. $3.48

Advocacy Service A great program that helps students deal with university bureaucracy: grade appeals, complaints. If you get into trouble with the school, talk to the advocate. $1.20

Clubs and Events Seriously, join clubs in university. This funds clubs and campus events including the infamous Cram Jam concert money pit. Thankfully the KSA has put Cram Jam on ice. $7.80

this organization over the years, the CFS has fought tooth and nail to keep us in. $8.52

Health Plan (yearly fee) If you have coverage through your parents, opt-out. For those of you who don’t have coverage, the KSA plan covers things like birth control, anti-depressants and psychologists. $97.20

KSA Dental Plan (yearly fee) If you have coverage through your parents, opt-out. $97.00

KSA MultiPass

This fee was started to save money for a student union building on the Surrey campus, however the 2011 KSA political scandals derailed much of the progress made with the university on securing a location. Meanwhile this money is used to pay old mortgage costs, buy furniture and renovate KSA spaces and lounges. $11.40

KSA Social Justice

Your bus/SkyTrain pass/ discount gym membership/ access to car2go fee. $180.00

Allows for people to fight for your rights. $1.80

Public interest research group

KSA START Volunteer Program

Student Publication Fee

The START volunteer program was created to give students valuable work experience and help support KSA projects throughout the year. Currently START is a major flop and mostly just hands out free junk to students. $4.44

Call us biased, but this fee is 100 per cent worth paying. It allows us at The Runner to tell you the shit you need to know. $9.00

SUB Capital Fees

KSA Reboot Computer Service Totes worth it. If you have computer troubles, Reboot will fix it for free (minus the costs of parts). $3.60

KSA Intramurals This fund pays for healthy activities on and off campus like hiking excursions, dragon boating and beach trips. $3.75

Canadian Federation of Students (CFS) A huge waste of money, the CFS is supposed to be a lobbying group that makes effective influence in governmental processes that benefit students. This fee has gone up this year, and although Kwantlen and other student associations have tried to cut ties with

pays for the KSA to conduct research about students needs etc. $9.60

LTSD Supposedly pays for library services and technology costs etc. (through the university). This is really just another money grab from KPU. $108.00

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The Runner

August 22 / 2013

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campus

Labour LabourDay Day

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The Runner

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August 22 / 2013

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Stawamus StawamusChief ChiefHike Hike--OAK OAKClub Club 11:00-16:00 11:00-16:00||Squamish Squamish

Inclusivity InclusivityWorkshop Workshop 13:00-15:30 13:00-15:30||Richmond RichmondRm Rm1420 1420 Langley LangleyFarmer’s Farmer’sMarket Market 14:00-18:00 14:00-18:00||Centre CentreCourty Courty Kickboxing Kickboxing 16:00-17:00 16:00-17:00||Richmond Richmond-Blossoming BlossomingLotus LotusStudioard Studioard Yoga Yoga 17:30-18:30 17:30-18:30||Richmond Richmond-Blossoming BlossomingLotus LotusStudio Studio

Yoga Yoga 17:30-18:30 17:30-18:30||Richmond Richmond-Blossoming BlossomingLotus LotusStudio Studio

KPU KPURoad RoadHockey HockeyTournament Tournament 12:00 12:00--18:00 18:00||Surrey SurreyCampus Campus

Check the full list of Campus Life Week activities at kpu.ca/ campuslifeweek for the schedule of times, and locations. To add your event to the calendar, please email sld@kpu.ca

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The Runner

August 22 / 2013

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The Runner

Guide

August 22 / 2013

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Free KSA stuff* *Not actually free (it comes from your student fees).

Kwantlen Student Association (KSA) has a variety of free shit that you can obtain while attending this slightly above average institution. Along with free toys on your birthday, to an agenda that reminds you of middle school, there are also KSA services that you can opt out of, and save some cash.

Multi- pass Let start off with your u-pass. The u-pass is a thin piece of card, which you can get at any campus library. It basically works as a very cheap, 3 zone transit pass and also allows you to use the intercampus shuttle. It costs student around 45 dollars every semester, which is considerably cheap when consider-

ing the alternative. If you decide you want to slowly suffocate the earth, and ruin the lives of future generations, you can opt- out. The deadline for fall is in October.

Student Medical and Dental Plan The student medical and dental plan, is a fee that students have to pay with their tuition, for unless you already have medical coverage either from work or your parents. The opt- out dates are pretty strict, but if you already have coverage you can save a good sum of money. This is definitely worth it, so don’t be a sucker.

Active KSA Do you like free trips? Are you outdoorsy?

By joining Active KSA, you can actually go on funded outings such as hiking and snowboarding. Let you inner jock run free!

Harvest Box This is not free, but probably worth it if you’re living on your own. The Harvest box is 10 pounds of produce, that can be ordered online on the KSA website, for five dollars.

Reboot Totes you can get free computer fixing. If you laptop is acting up, and you don’t know

what’s wrong the people at reboot can diagnose the problem. Reboot services are located at the Surrey campus.

Free shit Condoms (internal and external) Feminine hygiene products Food bank services Bike lockers Jumper cables (to borrow) Free local faxing Waterfillz water stations The KSA office is located in the Surrey campus. To find out other shit about the KSA visit kusa.ca.

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Guide

The Runner

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August 22 / 2013

What high school never taught you about Sex Ed The opposite of abstinence-only.

Here at The Runner, we thought it was necessary to let students know the facts about safe sex, and their genitals in general.

Since some of you have had a range of full blown sex education in high school, to virtually none, we think it is necessary for you to know how to keep those privies in your skivies healthy and bumpin’.

Sex is complicated, no matter what your orientation and we want to make sure you know what’s up, so here goes.

Keeping it clean The Vagina To all you beautiful people with vaginas.

Most of us know the pressures of the media telling us to cover up that smell, because naturally all vaginas have a hideous, unwelcome odor. Apparently, this forbidden essence needs to be hidden by perfumes, wipes and soap. This theory is wrong and can also really damage your parts. So, put down the harmful chemicals that companies want you to believe are necessary, because they are actually killing the good bacteria your vagina produces to keep itself healthy.

In order to maintain good vaginal care,

all you need is water, your fingers, or a rag to wipe away sweat and bacteria from the folds of your labia.

NOTE: Your vagina is most likely the cleanest thing on the body, and if the person you are with complains about the smell of your vagina (unless you have an infection) then they probably don’t deserve to play in your pubic wonderland.

The Penis Again, do not use soap or perfumes on your genitals. When washing your penis, a cloth and warm water will suffice. If you are uncircumcised, slide the foreskin back and wash the exposed head of the penis. If you do use harsh soaps, or – dare we say – scrubs you can experience an inflammation of the penis. If you experience an inflammation, you can use salt water, but if the inflammation does not go away see a doctor.

Trimming the Hedges So, no surprise your junk is sensitive and easily irritable. This means shaving the areas of you genitals could turn into a horrible, painful blood bath, (think The Shining). If you choose to shave your area, make sure to have a sharp razor with many, many, many (many) blades. Always trim first, soak

the area for a couple of minutes, then shave with the hair (not against). I would not recommend shaving because there is a higher chance of ingrown hairs, irritability and cuts. Yikes. But, if you must, make sure to moisturize and powder the area afterwards.

Another way to trim that image of a unicorn into your area is by waxing, or using a hair removal cream. Waxing, when done at a salon, can cost up to 50 dollars or more and is the most painful option, but can also last the longest. The least amount of pain would be the hair removal cream, but it will not get as close to the hair root as shaving or waxing does.

If you don’t shave, that’s cool too. Let your voluptuous bush fly in the wind.

All lovin’ deserves the proper packaging Whatever your excuse is, you better wrap it. As much as some like to think that there is such a thing as safe sex without any form of condom, they are wrong. If someone tells you they can’t fit a condom over there penis because the condom is to small- Google image condom stretch test, show them the picture of someone stretching a condom up to their forearm, then maybe consider dumping them.

Anyone having or performing oral-sex on someone with a vulva should invest in some dental dams (and they come in a number of flavours). Don’t have time or you forgot one? Get an unlubed or flavoured condom, cut off the top, and do a straight cut down the middle. Wham-bam, you got yourself a dental dam protecting you and you partner from STIs like oral herpes and gonorrhea.

Now past rule one of “Wrap yo shit”there are some finer details that are important for condom users to know.

Make sure the condom you have suits your needs-latex, polyurethane, external for people with penises, or internal for people with vaginas. Flavour condoms are great for oral-sex but do not hold up for penetration and will cause yeast infections in vaginas because of the sugar in the flavouring.

Always remember to check the expiration date and look for

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The Runner

Guide

August 22 / 2013

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How to deal with group projects any damage before using a condom. If you haven’t used one before it’s a good idea to practice application and removal a few times first before jumping into the sack.

Are you using lube (As in, yes you should)?

If you use oil based lubes, or some siliconebased, on a latex condom it can weaken the latex and lead to breakage-using a polyurethane condom will help you avoid that happening. Don’t forget, some people are allergic to latex so it’s good to keep a stash of polyurethane condoms on hand and talk to your partner about what condom type works for them.

If you like using toys in bed, you probably already know that silicone toys are not porous and don’t typically need to have a condom placed on them. However, rubber and gel toys have pores that can hide bacteria and STIs. Even though I’m sure you are all cleaning your toys effectively (the dishwasher is always a safe bet) think about wrapping them before sharing them with your classmates.

Darling, I lube you!

Lube, lube, lube!! Lube is a great thing, it helps with creating more sensation during sex and helps prevent damage or tearing by reducing friction during vaginal or anal penetration (always use lube with anal sex, always). There are three major types of lube to choose from all with their own pros and cons.

Water-based lubes are the bread and butter of lubes- they’re safe for most condoms and toys, but they don’t go as far as the oil and silicone.

Again silicone/ oil-based lube is not recommend for latex condoms or silicone sex toys, however these types are the best for anal sex and last longer than the water-based.

Like the flavoured condoms, flavour lube is for external use only! Don’t use them for penetration, they are only meant for making oral-sex more fun and tasty.

(without losing your cool).

Your knuckles have turned white. Your body breaks out into a cold sweat. The room is slightly spinning, but you haven’t had anything to drink, because you’re sitting in class.

It can only mean one thing: the professor has just announced a group project. Cue incontrollable flatulence.

During your first year of university, this could be your reaction, but it isn’t unique.

There probably isn’t a single student out there who actually likes group projects. The very words are an anathema, something that causes students to reel back in horror like Dracula from a crucifix.

And yet, it doesn’t have to be this way.

You don’t have to like group projects, but know that there are a few ways to get through them without suffering an aneurysm.

Number one: Know your role If you try to do everything, you won’t do anything well. Sure, every group needs a leader, but if you let your group members walk all over you, all you’re going to be doing is cleaning off the shoeprints while attempting a four-person project by yourself.

Divide everything up equally, in such a way that no one has an excuse not to do their part, and no one feels like they’re being taken advantage of. It’s the only way for everyone to retain their sanity.

One of your groupmates might say they don’t mind doing more work than everyone else. But what if they end up doing a shitty job? At least if they had one-fourth of the work instead of three-fourths, your project would

only be one-fourth shit. It’s simple math.

Number two: Don’t be that jerk Similarly, if you try to coast by and do nothing, it’s going to backfire on you. One of your group members will snitch you out, and frankly, you’d deserve it.

You may feel the urge to withdraw not because you’re a jerk, but because the thought of working in a group makes you feel like you’re going to puke. But this is also not very healthy, and something that you should probably work out between you and a counselor.

You’re never going to be able to live your life and avoid people at the same time. It’s just not possible, and if you have anxiety issues, university is a fine place to start working on them.

Number three: Stop caring so much At the end of the day, a group project is just another assignment, and it’s just one grade.

It’s not going to make or break your GPA. So don’t sweat it so much.

Don’t feel like you’re responsible for the whole project, because all you can do is your best. You can’t control other people, and trying to will only cause you more stress than if you just accepted that fact, uncomfortable as it may be.

Let “whatever” become your new favourite word. It works as an answer to almost any question. Ask any jaded third or fourthyear. Soon you’ll be a lot more like them, and trust me, you’ll be happier for it.

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Guide

The Runner

August 22 / 2013

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How to get through university and not lose your soul Tips to survive higher education.

It’s an old cliché: the jaded, nihilistic university student who fills the hole in their heart with Nietzsche quotes, cheap beer and experimental post-rock like Swans.

But, the cliché exists for a reason. If you let it, university culture can kill your soul with a myriad of lessons you’d probably rather not learn. These are a few of them, and a few strategies you can use to not lose yourself completely as you face them.

You’re not as special as you think You know that one thing that always made you unique during high school?

Maybe you were the chick with the old Hollywood obsession and pin-up style. Or you were the guy who had every Bukowski poem memorized. Or you were the girl who played guitar in the cafeteria and made indie-rock mixtapes to force onto your friends.

Well, newsflash: Everyone at university has seen those movies. Everyone has read Charles Bukowski, and more than you. Everyone can play guitar and everyone has heard

those bands and made those mixtapes—and they have their own bands, to boot.

The good news? You shouldn’t base your entire sense of self on one attribute or one talent anyway. If your personality is so shaky that it requires outside validation for it to feel like it actually exists, then you have more problems than just standing out.

Finding people you finally have things in common with is one of the best things about leaving high school. Instead of feeling bitter about it, appreciate it! University is the time and place to find friends who you not only can hang out with, but who can help you grow as a person.

You’re not as smart as you think Now’s the time to realize that you shouldn’t define yourself by the subjects you’re good in, either. If you’ve always gotten A’s in science, don’t expect to get an A in Biology 1100. Getting good grades in high school doesn’t in any way guarantee you’ll get good grades in university.

Your instructors will be harder on you, and no amount of apple-polishing can prevent it. High school teachers had to put up with your shit. It’s part of their job description to coddle students to a certain extent— make sure you’re on track, understanding everything to the best of your ability, etc.

But uni instructors have no such moral obligations. If you can’t keep up with that History prof’s notes, stop writing by hand and buy a laptop. If you don’t get an equation completely right, there are no half-marks.

If, heaven forbid, you plagiarize and get caught, it isn’t only an F for you. It can be an F in the whole course, or even a GTFO of school.

Don’t fret too hard, though. It’s simply a matter of ego—as in, don’t have one. The sooner you learn that, the sooner you’ll learn how to actually please your profs and maybe even surprise yourself.

All your beliefs are wrong Philosophy class is the main culprit for this, but it creeps into the other Humanities as well.

With one equation each, your esteemed prof can disprove the existence of God, the concept of choice and free will, and the assurance that anything exists at all, or even matters.

You can try to talk back, but if you can’t provide a sound argument with supporting evidence, prepare to kiss a lot of your old beliefs goodbye.

However, an existential crisis is not unavoidable. Spit out that bad aftertaste and, before you start seeing the world in shades of grey, remember that you are in charge of your own perspective. What you learn isn’t as important as how you interpret what you learn, and the professor isn’t always right, despite what they may tell you.

Above all, trust your own voice—when class is over, that’s what you’re left with.

If that isn’t enough for you, we hear cases of Cariboo0 are on sale. Enjoy!

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The Runner

Guide

August 22 / 2013

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Archetypal classmates People to avoid or embrace.

The Pothead Unless you shot a bottle-rocket up your nose when you were little, you’ll always be able to identify the Class Pothead. Anyone can identify them within five seconds of entering a lecture, thanks to that unmistakable stench.

Sometimes it’s gentle, just a whiff rising out of their half-baked dreads every time they turn their head. And sometimes, it’s so overpowering you’d think their Grateful Dead and Ween patches should be peeling off from the strength of it.

Striking up a friendship with the Pothead can be difficult, since they forget everything you’ve said the day before. They’re likely to constantly mix you up with someone else, or even forget that you exist. Prepare to introduce yourself at least three times.

But you shouldn’t blame the Pothead.

They’re just trying to get through university the only way they know how.

Often crossover with…

The New-Ager Do you remember that girl in your middle school who everyone thought was a witch?

She’d sit against a tree at recess with a book called Wicca for Teens, identify herself by her

zodiac sign and wear self-made jewellery.

Well, that girl grew up into the NewAger. She still makes her own jewellery—in fact, she sells it on Etsy, along with homemade fragrances, journals, and culturally appropriative fashion accessories, which usually involve feathers. She finds them in the forest near her house, so you know they carry at least one animal disease.

The New-Ager considers herself worldly and progressive, because she adopts bits and pieces of non-European spiritualities—a little Hinduism here, a little Taoism there— and ends up demeaning them all.

When she’s not at a crystal-healing workshop, a PETA protest, or Burning Man, she’s somewhere wishing that she was.

Often crossover with…

The Conspiracy Theorist The Conspiracy Theorist is pretty sneaky.

They start you off by talking normally— about the weather, their weekend, or the class at hand. But give them ten minutes and they’ll have steered the conversation to how 9/11 was a set-up, aliens exist, and the government is spying on your every move.

Okay, so that last one may be true. However, the Conspiracy Theorist typically falls in love with political theories that “the main-

stream” thinks of as least true.

If you’ve never heard the one about all major world leaders actually being an ancient race of lizard-people (in disguise), the Conspiracy Theorist will gladly fill you in.

If you want to learn about the microchips government hospital officials insert into every newborn, the Conspiracy Theorist can enlighten you.

If you’d like to have a political debate with someone who can back their side up with facts and supporting evidence, the Conspiracy Theorist cannot help you there.

Often crossover with…

The Person Who Never Shuts Up (see also: Mansplainer) If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one around to hear it, does it make a sound? If some double-major know-it-all has an opinion about everything, and thinks the entire class needs to hear it, does anybody give a shit?

I’m not sure about the answer to the first question, but the answer to the second is a definite, “No.” This classmate has his hand permanently raised. He cannot get through a lecture without giving his input at least three times, no matter how irrelevant, misinformed, or just plain boring it may be.

Either they can’t see the look in the professor’s eyes that says, “I can’t ignore your hand forever so please just put it down,” or they simply don’t care.

Often crossover with…

The Overachiever We get it, Overachiever: You’re smart. You’re brilliant. You’re a fucking genius. You know things, and you deserve to be rewarded for it, at any and every opportunity. And if you don’t get noticed or rewarded, something is clearly very wrong.

This is what the Overachiever wishes— and secretly expects—to hear. Their entire personality hinges on the approval of others, especially their superiors. If this approval is denied to them, terrible things can happen.

And by terrible things, I mean the Overachiever crying and wasting the prof’s time by asking them to reconsider every little stroke of their crimson pen.

Whatever you do, don’t talk to the Overachiever about grades. They’ll complain about a 98 per cent in all sincerity, and there’s no guarantee you’ll be able to control what your hand and your pencil might do after that.

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Procrastination

If you have any feeback we’d love to hear them, tweet us @runnermag and join the discussion today!

The Runner

Across

1. Slippery swimmers 5. Aloe ___ 9. Eurasian juniper 14. Blind part 15. Nastase of tennis 16. Muse of love poetry 17. Edible corm 18. Japanese wrestling 19. Conger catcher 20. Spinster 22. Chats 24. Sunburn soother 25. Fourth highest peak in the world 26. Bird having a very large bill 29. Cowboy display 31. Vows 32. Leaf of a book 33. Breach 36. Before, once 37. Seesaws 40. Guadalajara gold 41. Draft org.

42. Away from the wind 43. Marsh of mystery 45. Seizes with teeth 47. Door 48. Sunflower seed, botanically 51. Fiddling emperor 52. 1992 David Mamet play 54. Voter 58. ___-car 59. Nike's swoosh, e.g.

61. Cube maker Rubik 62. Unspoken 63. Work without ___ 64. Film unit 65. Mountain ridge 66. PBS science series 67. Shout

Down

1. This, in Tijuana 2. Airline since 1948 3. Hog fat 4. Abdomen 5. Sight

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August 22 / 2013 1

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The Runner

No. 17

Easy

4 3

7 8 1 5 7

2 4 6

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3

3 8

7 2

You can find more help, tips and hints at www.str8ts.com

© 2011 Syndicated Puzzles, Inc.

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SUDOKU Previous solution - Medium

4 3 8 7 1 6 2 4 5 3 7 2 6 5

7 6 4 8 9 5 3 4 3 1 1 2

No. 17

6 9 8 7

Tough

2 4

8 5 3

3 9

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How to beat Str8ts – Like Sudoku, no single number can repeat in any row or column. But... rows and columns are divided by black squares into compartments. These need to be filled in with numbers that complete a ‘straight’. A straight is a set of numbers with no gaps but can be in any order, eg [4,2,3,5]. Clues in black cells remove that number as an option in that row and column, and are not part of any straight. Glance at the solution to The solutions will be published here in the next issue. see how ‘straights’ are formed.

2 9

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Previous solution - Medium

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© 2011 Syndicated Puzzles, Inc.

STR8TS

Procrastination

August 22 / 2013

5 7 1 2 6 4 3 8 9

8 6 4 3 5 9 2 7 1

1 5 7 6 3 2 4 9 8

6 8 3 4 9 1 7 2 5

4 9 2 5 8 7 1 3 6

9 1 6 8 7 3 5 4 2

3 4 5 9 2 6 8 1 7

7 2 8 1 4 5 9 6 3

To complete Sudoku, fill the board by entering numbers 1 to 9 such that each row, column and 3x3 box contains every number uniquely.

For many strategies, hints and tips, visit www.sudokuwiki.org If you like Str8ts check out our books, iPhone/iPad Apps and much more on our store.

The Runner cover contest is just around the corner, just submit a photo and it may be featured in a future issue. Selected photos will be rewarded with hugs or shrugs, or both, whichever you want!

Horoscope

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec 21

Capricorn Dec. 22 - Jan 20

Your grand illusions are just grand delusions.

Do some self-analysis.

Let Netflix take over your life, and you’ll be happier than you’ve ever been

You know that guy who says all he needs to make a working time machine are donations?

Donate to him, and watch what happens.

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Gemini May 21 - Jun 20

You will develop an inexplicable attraction towards fish. Don’t let anyone kink-shame you!

Brown is your colour. Brown is everyone’s colour!

Soon, those closest to you will become unrecognizable. Perhaps it’s time you got glasses.

Happy times are on the horizon. Not for you specifically—for you, maybe next month.

Virgo Aug 24 - Sept 23

Libra Sept 24 - Oct 23

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 22

You can clean your apartment as many times as you want, but that’s never going to clean your soul.

Love is on the way. Just try not to screw it up this time!

Fresh air can do wonders. Live as a hermit in the woods for a while.

Leo Jul 24 - Aug 23

You can’t twerk. We’re sorry, but it’s true.

Aquarius Jan 21 - Feb 19

Pisces Feb 20 - Mar 20

Nobody’s perfect, but act like you are and rewards will come to you.

Cancer Jun 21 - Jul 23

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The Runner

August 22 / 2013

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