THE
The Entertainment Weekly of Vanquishing Evil
MEDIUM
Volume XXXIV, Number 13
www.themedium.net
Next Week in The Medium: Catholic School Girl Awareness
Wednesday, January 29th, 2003
OPS/ED
“One dead baby means nothing, but a thousand, nay, a million dead babies - that means funny.”
January 29th, 2003
I Am Your New God &You Will Do As I Say So it’s the start of a new semester at Rutgers and the masses have once again begun to consider leaving college in pursuit of those tempting dreams of drug dealing and prostitute-beating. I’d just like to let all of you know that the days of Rutgers making you want to die are nearing an end. “How could this be?” you say. Because in a few weeks we’ll be at war and soon after that someone is going to drop a bomb on New York and that will kill us all. Don’t worry though, now that you know death is just around the corner you can live life to its fullest. …all those girls that you wouldn’t sleep with before because they have AIDS… no longer “off limits”. Those pesky life-threatening diseases only matter if a foreign nation doesn’t drop a nuclear-warhead that will either kill you with the blast or make your skin rot off your body and transform you into “Klymathaton” (a creature obsessed with squeezing its own testicles until they explode with a thick green puss). So I’d just like to wish that you all can die the way I want to… with a fat chick peeing on my face. Love and Fists of Death,
Secrets of the
OFFENDONOMICRON An ancient text so twistedly arcane, so horribly vulgar, so terribly conjugated that the world’s leading linguists have long trembled to decipher its secrets. Until now...ff Buechner Agri-apparatus priscus - “Antique farm equpiment” - prophetic and racist term used to describe dark skinned “workers” who were replaced by mechanized farming equipment. Cito exaequo gastropada - “To be aroused like a snail” - derived from the ancient Lithuanian saying “if you cut off her legs she’d be like a snail” used to describe a sexually aroused woman. Inguen cruentus fames - “The bloody groin famine” - the menstruation period during which lesbians must stave off their thirst for vaginal secretions. Except for lesbian vampires. Mm-hmm. Illiud Latine dici non potest - “You cannot say that in Latin” - a failed translation attempted in a Roman copy of the Offendonomicron from 120 B.C. The original language and meaning of many entries in the Offendomoicron are still not understood. What dark secrets do they hold? Stay tuned...
Op/Eds News Features Arts Personals Personals
Page VIII What’s Shaking! Rutgers has paid lip service to the 1st Amendment by allowing us to use racial slurs. So...Nigger! Chink! Kyke! Wetback! Cunt? Okay, not cunt.
Cover by: Ryan Fucking Beckman
THE
MEDIUM
Page II Page III Page IV Page V Page VI Page VII
HOMOVERSE A little bit of quantum physics, a little queer erotica and just a splash of Time Traveling Gary Coleman. In the year 3760 BC, God dons his pink sash and kicks Adam and Eve out. He is heard to say, “well it ain’t my fault is you don’t want none of my delicious ass.” Gary Coleman remarks, “whatch you talking ‘bout alternative universe God?” Using his time-warping space suit, Gary brings back this 1428 fresco by Jacopo della Quercia. God is clearly seen ‘snaking’ a hand towards Adam’s ‘rib’. Garden of Eden - indeed. Totally unnoticed naked chick
Gay God wings
Godly pink sash
Adam’s tiny penis (shrinking in fright from God’s molestation)
Crust left from Gary Coleman’s sticky-ass, peanut butter covered fingers
Ryan Beckman, Editor in Chief of The Medium
CONTENTS
Welcome to:
fnord
Unless your New Year’s resolution was to be a fat lazy shit who never leaves the bathroom, get yourself to a Medium meeting. Fuck the Green Print, their meeting aren’t shit! Does the Green Print have strippers? Does the Green Print get celebrity guest Editors? Does the Green Print save the envirnoment? Fuck no. We also do none of those things, but then, we put out a much better paper...go to www.themedium.net for more info.
What would you do in a world where it is always exactly Gary Coleman O’clock?
?? ? ??
Who would you trust?
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Ryan Beckman Jim Cortina Mike Stanley Benjamin Schachtman Jim Cortina Carol Hu Aija McKenzie Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors Cameron Heines Bryan McKenna Photography Editor Elizabeth Finelli What’s Shakin’ Editor Amy Groark Online Editor Michael Wyzard Advertising Manager Ned Berke Staff Artist Carol Hu Senior Editor Amy Groark
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is noon, Sunday. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC - Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903. We’ll have an email soon. In the mean time, take your complaints, cover ‘em in kisses and cherish them every day.
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
“I promise I will not queef in your mouth.” -Ksenia Benditch
La Familia Restaurant Cooking Up Organized Crime
Send News, whether real or fake, preferably fake though, to pinkeyedjim@hotmail.com, I enjoy laughing at your stupidity.
By: Raoul Dan, Frenetic Amnesiac The world of organized crime was dealt another blow this past Friday, when the FBI raided the popular La Familia eatery in New Brunswick. According to officials, the restaurant was a front for the powerful Canolli family of the greater Tri-State area. The family has reportedly been involved in organized crime since “Godfather” Antonio Canolli came to America from Sicily in the early 1930’s. Most Rutgers students are familiar with the popular “Fat Sandwiches” the restaurant delivers to the Rutgers campuses. But what most students are unaware of, however, is that the eatery has been using the store to “dispose of problems”, according to a manager who asked, for his safety, to remain anonymous. When asked to elaborate, Mr. Joe Montagna said, “Well, we would whack people, and then when students ordered food, we would use the corpses to make the meat for cheesesteaks and hamburgers.” The Medium was able to ask Don Canolli a few questions before his arraignment. When asked how they were caught, the Don said, “We name-a the business ‘La Familia’. We didn’t-a think-a anyone would catch on. But the FBI, she’s-a been watchin’ us for a while.” This author would like to point out that FBI, while most commonly thought to stand for Federal Bureau of Investigation, actually stands for, Forever Bothering Italians, after the recent change from Fucking Bunch of Idiots. The Canolli crime family is expected to be sentenced on charges of tax evasion, multiple counts of conspiracy to commit a felony, and racketeering. But Don Canolli was quick to point out, that witnesses disappear. The Rutgers Police are asking students to be on the look-out for greasy Italians who may be involved with La Cosa Nostra (the mafia). Students are also warned that by testifying, they may be asking to “sleep with the fishes”. Many students are hopeful that in doing so, they won’t get the STI’s so common at this school because of all the dirty, dirty sluts.
“Mebbe next-a time-a youse gonna pay for that Fat Bitch, huh?” Are White American Parents Breeding Serial Killers? By Steve Toboz (Beezer) Staff Writer A new study released today confirms my beliefs for over 3 years. Long term exposure to children sing alongs trigger a “normally” dormant section of the brain that gives the child a thirst for blood. This is now being contributed to the cause for such serial killings as the Beltway sniper and the Oklahoma City bombing. This study, conducted in my basement with I, among 3 of my confidants, James, Justin, and Pat has found that such sing alongs as Sesame Street, this so called “Kid Bop” and Barney, when exposed to an abundant amount, cause children to see things in a whole new light. They start to act differently, defying parents and peers at school. This progressed though their teenage years, and inevitably leads to serial killings. Some killings may be savage and may even contain a hint of cannibalism. The study used an annoying little French kid from my Building communities class last semester and my 3 younger brothers. At first we were sure it would have no effect of the French kid because he is already an idiot, however, we were wrong. He eventually ate himself while confined in his cage overnight. My 3 younger bothers, after being engaged in a dog fight quickly decreased in numbers. The three year old won, escaped, and is being blamed for the killings of two police officers and a local stripper. We strongly advise if you see him, to report it to your local authorities. The police urge citizens to enter every department store and destroy the sing-alongs, as well as any sing along they may already own. There are plans afoot for a massive buyback of sing along CDs, VHSs and DVDs.
NEWS
McGreevey Scraps University Merger Idea: Suggests Name Changes By “Pink Eyed” Jim Cortina News Editor New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey has decided, due to a huge public outcry, to cancel his plans to merge three of New Jersey’s universities (Rutgers, NJIT, and UMDNJ). “The public, the students, and the alumni of these universities just didn’t want this to happen,” quipped Governor McGreevey at a conference in the Multipurpose Room on the CAC, before whispering “bastards.” “So,” he continued, “I have decided to suggest new names for all three Universities, without the merger taking place.” His eyes became dark and narrowed to slits. “And when I say ‘suggest,’ I mean I have already taken the liberty of changing the names.” “Your puny school, for instance, will from here on out, be known as Slutgers University. This is obviously owing to the large number of dirty, dirty sluts that attend the school. Hell, I had to dodge six or seven of them on the way from my limo to the student center. They kept trying to transfer their STDs to me. ” McGreevey went on to tell the crowd, who sat nonplussed, because everyone had been calling the University “Slutgers” all along, that NJIT is now “NJTWIT,” because everyone knows that engineers and computer science majors are all, in fact, morons. “Blathering idiots, really,” he added for emphasis. “UMDNJ will now be U-BD/SM-NJ, because we don’t need any more fucking doctors in this state… I don’t care if you all die. What this state needs is more dominatrices and slave masters, so when I finally decide to take all your money with my bogus tax schemes, I will have an army of oppressors ready at my demand. MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” (Ed. Note: That is the exact number of “ha’s” that spat from the Governor’s lips, I counted.) If you wish to contact the Governor’s Office to speak out on this issue, thank him for finally changing the name of Rutgers to its rightful word, or just harass the guy, his contact information is at: http://www.state.nj.us/governor/govmail.html
Come to the Medium Meeting Frelinghuysen B4 9:30 Wednesday or we’ll kick your dog.
News Briefs!
President Finally Admits War is Due to Personal Insecurities By Bryan McKenna, staff writer Washington D.C. – President Bush, in a prepared statement earlier today, revealed that the actual reason for the planned attack on Iraq and Al Qaeda strongholds in Afghanistan is that he is “lacking in the trousers.” The President of the United States went on to say, “If my penis wasn’t s’damn small, I wouldn’t have to attack Iraq to feel better about my personal inad… (long pause) inad-ah-ka-cies.” Other reasons cited for the attacks included “stealing oil from the towel-heads” and that “Saddam’s penis is a good foot long.” Reporters attending the press conference, standing approximately 25 feet from the President, said they could detect a strong beer-like smell emanating from the political leader of the United States. The President’s assistants declined comment on the President’s tiny penis, but did state that he had indeed consumed at least a 12 pack of beer before giving his speech.
Features Features
“It’s unanimous: we’re looking forward to another 4 months of the RU screw”
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
Medium Staffer Writes Shitty Article By York Litoris
Baby New Year Molested! By Mike Litoris
Sunday – Tragedy struck late this Suburb, New Jersey - It was bound weekend when Medium Staff Writer Mike to happen. The 2003 New Years Baby was molested shortly after midnight on New Years Litoris allegedly wrote a “shitty” article on Eve, just moments after his birth. It happened his computer. The judgment came after a in a quiet New Jersey suburb – a place no one long period of time of staring at the article. While no one, except for him, read thought such tragedy would strike. The New Years Baby is the new born the article, judgment was passed not by son of Father Time and some random hooker Litoris, but rather by his computer. Rehe picked up in Times Square. He was born portedly, the computer could not see any Caucasian, of course, with shining blue eyes merit in the article, and so it simply deand a head full of soft brown hair. However, at leted it. such a tender age, his innocence has been The article was supposed to be about stolen from him. Crazy Asians and their curious habits of The police report issued the morning after revealed that there had been an under- using chopsticks. It made reference to their ground child porn ring, in which the members little penises, and trendy women, as well as had been bidding on who would get the child their squinty eyes. It pointed out the fufirst. Amongst the top contenders for the anal tility of using chopsticks and how on earth they came to be, considering innocence of the newborn the fork or spoon is the most were Jeffrey Jones, Michael primitive and effective eating Jackson, R. Kelly, Peter utensil. However, the article Townsend, “Pee Wee” was lost. Herman, and several officials of the Catholic Church. All The Medium is home to many have been brought in for quesfine journalistic pieces. It is tioning. also known for connecting the All of the suspects decommunity through its presticlined to give comment, exgious and popular personals cept for “Pee Wee” Herman columns. The history of The and Peter Townsend. “My name is Pee Wee aren’t you glad we have such a Medium’s fine work has gotten it much recognition from good sense of humor? for Christssake! What the hell Rutgers’ students and faculty did they expect of me?!” said alike. Herman. Townsend, however, defended himself In its place, Mike Litoris chose to by saying that he had been trying to do rewrite an article on the Baby New Year besearch for his autobiography. Townsend himself had been molested as a child. When ing molested, and how he wrote a shitty arasked how he would have used the child to ticle. However, these articles followed suit research, he replied, “I was going to fuck him in also being shitty, but Medium readers will have to put up with them. in the ass, of course!”
how to get revenge on your shitty roommate by carol hu and mike stanley 1. laxatives 2. have sex on his/her bed 3. masturbate on his/her bed 4. wipe your private areas with his/her toothbrush or towel 5. “refill” the toothpaste with ejaculation 6. pour water on his/her bed when he/she is asleep and claim that they wet their bed 7. tell his/her parents that they’re out doing something bad... “oh.. i haven't seen him since he left two weeks ago”... “no.. i think he's out buying [drug of choice]” 8. pour itching powder on his/her bed and clothing 9. pour lots of salt in his/her frosted flakes cereal (yeah, yeah it’s corny but it would be funny!) 10. acquire his/her SS#, visit webreg.rutgers.edu and drop a class or two... or 3... or 4... hey why not go crazy!?
A HAMLET IS CLASSIFIED AS A "GROUPING OF HOUSES SMALLER THAN A VILLAGE", AND IT USUALLY HAS AROUND 20 PEOPLE. IT HAS NO MAYOR OR ANY FORM OF CENTRAL OR MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT. SHERWOOD PARK, ALBERTA IS THE LARGEST HAMLET IN THE WORLD WITH A POPULATION OF 45,000 AND NO GOVERNMENT.
HOO KER
senior scooter
a collection of haikus by mike stanley
go rutgers busses get on get off becareful crashes into dorm rutgers basketball six loses in a row now just like our football if we had good teams we could get good atheletes then, we would win games
“random hooker”
“father time” B
A
B
Y
send your stories & poems to carolhu@eden.rutgers.edu
new semester, new meeting space: College Ave Campus River Dorms, Frelinghuysen Room B4 @ 9:30pm
Actually, Fred that’s not what I meant when I asked you to come over to eat my pussy tonight.
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
“You could be at a party gettin loose, but you could catch a bullet in your goose...”
Arts
Health and Beauty Arts: Q&A about Pubic Haircare Dear Arts: I recently shaved my pubes, and I have a problem. I went over it with the razor alot to make sure i got all the hair off, and now I’ve got these wicked bumps that look like herpes. My boyfriend won’t go down on me, and lately, neither will the dog. What’s going on in my area? -Cunnilingus-free Dear Cf, When shaving your “punani,” you’re only supposed to go over the area twice. With a clean, sharp razor, hold the skin and go over it once “with the grain” and once again “against the grain.” To set things straight, you don’t have herpes, you have chlamydia, and you know it. Don’t use those bumps as a cover for your slutty activities. Dear Arts: I enjoy hairless gay sex as much as the next guy, but i have so much trouble shaving the area in my asscrack, and whenever i shave my balls i get those prickles the next day, which interferes with my job at the local Day Care Center. What can I do? -Uncle Joey Dear Uncle Joey, Unless you have eyes in the back of your head, or you want a ruptured....asshole, don’t venture into the area of ass shaving. Leave it to a professional cosmetologist, preferably someone who is gay like you. As for those ballspikes, use a soothing lotion, like BikiniZone. It’s in the women’s aisle of the grocery store, but I’m sure you’ll see it when you pick up your Tampax. Dear Arts: I’m a sorostitute who wants to dye my pubes red for Valentine’s Day. Since I’m a “natural blonde,” can I just use Kool-Aid for the color? And what about my sisters? Can the brunette one use regular hairdye? -Cumdumpster Dear Cumdumpster. I wouldn’t advise using Kool-Aid for your blonde pubes, because a) the color prolly won’t deposit much on pubic hair; it’s different from the hair on your head, and b) it’ll just feed the crabs that are nesting there, and that’s not cute. If you really want color, opt for a can of temporary haircolor, or even the spray. The brunette one is shit outta luck, in order for visible color, she’d have to bleach first, and that’s not vaginally friendly. Whatever you do, be careful to only color the mons pubis, which is the hair before your “vagina-crack,” because it may cause irritation in normal girls and for sorostitutes, it’ll spark up the genital warts.
Come to a Medium Meeting! Tonight @ 9:30pm Frelinghuysen B4
Extra Points will be given to people with colored pubes and/or pubes with designs shaved in them!
Submit your reviews, poetry, stories, and artwork to
Shorty_fat_fat@yahoo.com
Underrated Band Appreciation: Ace Of Base by The Music Nazi That’s right. You remember these Swedish meatballs. Don’t fucking front. When you first heard “All That She Wants”, your jaw dropped straight to the floor. It was such a mind-blowing song, you totally couldn’t believe it, and you wondered how the fuck they could possibly top something so magnificent. And with their very next single, they did. “The Sign” is unquestionably one of the greatest, funnest, most enjoyable songs of the 1990s, and I haven’t heard it on the radio in forever. What the fuck is up with that? I hate radio. They pick the worst old songs to keep on their playlist 10 years after nobody gives a fuck about them. I mean, listen to the crap they play at the dining halls. What the fuck is that “In The House Of Stone And Light” bullshit, by some nobody who wished he was Sting? Nobody gave a fuck about that song when it came out, and nobody gives a fuck about it now, so why do I hear it every time I go to Cooper? They should play Ace Of Base instead, cause they were awesome. Anyway, let’s see... after “The Sign”, they had that remake of that old reggae song, “Don’t Turn Around”, which I haven’t heard in ten years so I forgot how it goes... I guess it was OK, but not as great as “The Sign”... and uh... I actually haven’t heard the rest of their first album, cause my aunt gave it to me for my birthday cause she didn’t know what else to get me, but by that time I discovered “alternative rock” and I was too embarrassed to admit that I liked Ace Of Base... so I made her get me more REM albums cause I couldn’t possibly survive if I didn’t have all 87 of them. But I’m guessing the rest of the album was probably pretty cool. And then after that, they came out with some gay disco song called “It’s A Beautiful Life”, and then American stopped giving a shit about them cause they made a gay disco song so they went back to Europe. (Just like what would happen to Jamiroquai just a few years later.) According to Allmusic.com tho, they apparently do have a new album out, but it’s probably only available in Italy or some shit. But whatever. The point is, that with their first two singles, Ace Of Base earned their place in history as one of the most important pop groups ever. You’d think that now, as Swedish garage-rock bands are all the rage, and sissy indie rock bands like the Magnetic Fields are always saying how great Abba was, and that crappy band the A*Teens doing lame covers of old Abba songs, that maybe there’d be some type of Swedish renaissance, and people would start listening to Ace Of Base more. Fuck that shit. Fuck Abba. They were a crappy gay disco band, and I like gay disco. The best thing they ever did was “Dancing Queen”, and the only thing I like about that song was that the KLF (one of my favorite bands ever, no joke) pissed all over that song in 1987, and got sued to hell over it. Anyway, Ace Of Base fucking rules.
Personals Personals Why’s my “America Dream” in C h i n a ? (I’m not sure, but I like how china is very wide...and populated with asian anal sluts...) To that bitch who broke my heart: at least I got you to admit that my cock was big, and that you were a fool for leaving it...i mean, me. to my fucking asians, please stop bying shit every damn day, im sick and tired of it, all you fucking do is play video games and watch stupid anime and buy things off the internet, enough allready, my room is already overflowing with your shit, you dont need anymore, besides it reminds me of just how poor i am (There’s nothing wrong with tentacle rape...really! I swear!)
“Oh why, Oh why, must love (in the butt) make me cry”
Personals Rules: Rule 1: No submitting personals with full/really obvious first names (Alakahbar)/phone numbers/room numbers in them. Fake names, pet names, nicknames, and vulgarities are all acceptable. e.g. no “Hey Bryan McKenna, you’re a dirty dirty honkey.” but “Hey roomate/anal lover/homofag, you’re a dirty dirty azn.” is ok. Rule 2: Only personals from Slutgers email addresses will be accepted...i.e. from your eden account. If I ever get a personal from an RCI or other faculty account, I’ll print that too...and probably have a heart attack. Rule 3: These personals are only good because you folks send them in. So send away, and let the love/hate/love juices flow! Send all personals to olsentwins@seductive.com I hate you...unless you’re Canadian. Then I LOATHE you. Especially French Canadians.
A blind seeing eye dog is like a new pair of sneakers...you never know which kid had to and thejews. bust his ass to make’em. To my roomate: why on EARTH do you feel the need to sing showtunes all night long, and then shit all over the toilet seat and shower? I mean...if it was just the shitting, I could deal...but the showtunes are really starting to get with me. Sincerely, Snookums
Your Personals Editors
Yesterday, I was watching G.I. Joe and masturbating furiously...I mean, come on, Lady Jane? Anyways...so I came all over my face, and now I’m afraid I’m going to get oral herpes from my genital sores. (Be afraid...be very afraid.) to atillio: off my kool-aid mother fucker!"
fuck Lord of the Rings and all who worship it, i hate all you elf lovin fags, i hope you all die in a bloody stampede to see the third movie, i hope you all get cancer of the face and die of lonelyness, oh wait, that is probably going to happen anyway since you are all miserable morbidly obese shut-ins, you goth wannabe fucking losers, die, please (Hey, HannibalLecter from optimus...this was directed at you and all your kind. Go worship at your little LOTR shrine, you big azn bastard.) To asian Chris : I still don’t believe you can drink an entire bottle of bacardi and eat your chinese food without vomiting all over your computer and Subaru posters. Whenever I see a drunk wobbling down the city street, I shed a tear...not because of his plight, or his poverty...but because of his stench. It makes me tear. (We take homeless people...hell, we even take smelly mexicans at the Medium meetings...this Wednesday it’s gonna be in Frelenghuysen, or however you spell it, room B4. Be there, or be horribly uncool.) Titties and beer, Titties and beer...I thank god almighty for titties and beer. Huntin 2 legged deer, thank god I ain’t queer, if there’s one thing daddy likes, it’s titties and beer.
don’t see too many guys with receding hairlines any more (That’s cause there’s all these new procedures where you can take hair from your genitals, buttocks, and anal crevice and affix them to your head. So when you see an old guy with really curly hair...don’t touch it.)
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
(Ahh, a man after my own heart. Although I also happen to like anal.)
Mary Kate
Ashley a.k.a.
Bryan
to the girl who lives in my freshman dorm on cook...i want to rub my big fat nipples all up and down your 450 pound body and smear peanut butter on your fat girl not-really-a-person vagina then tie you up and call the ra so they have to stare I love making broad I hate all the white people. g e n e r a l i z a t i o s . . . o r sometimes i worry that if i sleep at your sick, sad, dumbass and generalizaitons about broads. wiht my ass facing the center shoot you to put themselves out of their misery of the room, i will get buttraped (I suggest that maybe before by the gay man in my room love, floppy the next time you make a to the fucker who writes these broad generalization, you (I will cop to using the learn how to spell the word. thing. you turn red like an asian psuedonym f. loppy in the when you drink. Jackass.) past...but this time, it wasn’t Bitches love me cause they (Apparently the rumors are me. Interesting enough, the know that I can rock. Bitches true...I’m sorry for doubting girl who lives in my old freshlove me cause they know that you, azn chris, that you turn man dorm is most definitely red as shit when you drink..) at least 450 lbs, though.) I can rhyme.
Cameron
The Olsen Twins olsentwins@seductive.com my roommate is a dog, and his owner is a dirty dirty slut (what a coincidence, my roomate is a dirty dirty slut, and he rapes his dog.)
to the hot blonde in my calc LJX = azn sex fiend class, wanna go out sometime? (to all of you who don’t know Yours Truly, UnstableTruth LJX, he really is azn. he to that hottie on the fifth floor drinks bubble tea, and the of frelinghuysen, come down only porn he watches is stairs and take me like the wild anime and “asian anal sluts stallion i know you are 9. stop trying so hard, LJX.”
www.themedium.net
Wednesday, January 29, 2003 Jesus was a terrorist/Who went to the store./He got a bomb and borded a plane/ And said, “Get me the fuck to Libia/Away he went, up into the sky,/Before he relized he couldn’t fly./Down and down and down he went/Poor Jesus, he didn’t know/Away away the people went/They didn’t like the show./And there was no one to catch him./Boom. Jesus was no more/Satan threw a party that day/ Dominatricies and sluts abound/I got so high I couldn’t see/And woke up quite confounded So high that I couldn’t see/ So high that the sounds of the/ World and God caved in on my/Mind surrounding it in a/ Cloud much like that of a/ Plane which crashed and burned and burned/Furious. In a lack of faith. The plane- man’s mechanized insufficiencies/Clogging birds into jet engines, natures/ Natural enemy- technology with a wet nap/& package of peanuts resting in pieces/ below shattered sky. But then George W bush showed up/And poured Jesus’ ashes into a cup/Sold it to Arabs for 50 bucks/And said, “Look you towel head fucks!” “We aren’t towel head fucks, you readneck ass hole/Take a fucking vacation out of our I think i have a weggie, oh wait, nevermind, im wearing a thong. (Well, Well looks like we have our first sorostitute submition of the year. Next time just try to remember to put your thong on the right way; remember: Thin part up the crack, makes up for your very small rack.) To the virgin house on Hamilton Street. Congrats on being the only house in New Brunswick with a virgin majority. Remember that movie 3 men and a baby. You guys are 3 virgins and a fag. And people thought nothing was lamer than Steve Gutenberg. Way to prove them wrong. You assholes blamed the wrong person...haha burn. Le Sabre’s Suck! If you want to be a real street racer, you gotta get yourself a nice Honda Acura, there the shit!
“How much dick do I have to suck to get some pussy around here?!?”
Thank God you are OK. I had a feeling something was wrong. I was alone Thanksgiving as everyone made their own plans. I had a fish sandwich from McDonalds before they closed at 2:30 and then I ate homemade pea soup for supper. I really enjoyed the day. I watched football and mysteries all day and the cooking shows. I was OK. Dolly was very sick again , She had a blockage and was in pain. I called the vet and he said bring her in, but I took matters in my own hands and gave her a baby suppository up her butt and a baby aspirin for two days and a antibiotic the 3rd day and she started to poop again. She seems Ok now but she is 11 yrs old and it's always something, She is my buddy and still cute as ever. To the grad student in Corwin who sings all the time... what the FUCK are you so damn happy about?! You suck at singing and I don't really care to hear your whistling, your guitar or your stereo with it's gay-ass music either. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! When you sing, it makes me want to puke! I'd rather listen to Marge Simpson sing Barney songs than to have to put up with your ugly, scratchy, gayass voice. Maybe you'd sound a little better if you took whatever is logded up your ass and stuffed it down your throat. (Hey, I don’t mind that you cursed your secret gay lover, and I don’t even mind your gratuitous use of curse words; but when you write about Marge’s bad singing and Barney’s horrible songs, that’s when I get offended. Maybe if you had watched any of the 14 episodes where Marge even utters a single note, you would realize that she has the voice of an angel where you have the anus of Cerberus) recitation girl, ok i wont be scared anymore. MY NAME IS ALLEN and im shy... dont be scared, i only bite when you want me to (what a loser!) the buccanneers can suck my left nut. they are a bunch of no-talent, rutgers-quality football fucks who didn’t deserve to win. the only reason they won is because god hates the raiders. so fuck god.
Personals Personals
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Come to the Medium Meeting for the Circle Jerk of your Lifetime!!! On College Ave. in Frelinghuysen Hall, room B-4. Because of pinhead, we had to move to CAC for the first two weeks of the semester . He threatened to change more poor defenseless kittens into his killing machines. Outgoing female lacrosse player looking for love in a homoerotic black male with huge cock and trust fund. (Aren’t we all, I can’t remember the last I found a black male with a trust fund. Well there was that one, but he was a famous porno star, so that doesn’t count.) My mom is deaf, blind, and in a wheelchair ; does that mean I’m gonna be like Anne Frank? (Hey why couldn’t Anne Frank drive a car?............... because she was a women.) www.ilovemartinscock.com
To those fucking whores in Sigma Phi Epsilon: How dare you throw me out of your frat party. You just missed out on the biggest party animal this face of Belushi. You guys could be having fun with my NES and Parchesi. But no, your stuck with your beer and drunk horny women waiting for a penis at a minute’s notice. If penis was the opposite of cock, what would be the opposite of vagina? box, twat, cooter, cunt, fish taco, muff, or curly carpet
To that fucking scumbag Travis in Campbell. Next time you hook up with a girl when your drunk, make sure she’s actually a girl. Thanks for the handjob though. (Travis, it’s okay, don’t worry about it. It’s perfectly fine with pretending to be straight when you really are gay. I’ve known lots of guys that have done it for years, but all their friends really know the truth. Just do me one favor: don’t try and cuddle with your roommate in the middle of the night.)
What’s Shakin’
“Amy’s body is *not* a wonderland...”
Wednesday, January 29th, 2003
New York Wed 1/29 - Bonnie Prince Billy - Irving Plaza Wed 1/29 - Simple Plan - Bowery Ballroom Wed 1/29, Thur 1/30 - Erykah Badu - S.O.B.’s Wed 1/29, Thur 1/30 - Neil Finn - Town Hall Thur 1/30 - Joan Jett & the Blackhearts - China Club Thur 1/30 - Big Head Todd & the Monsters - Irving Plaza Thur 1/30 - Rainer Maria - Bowery Ballroom Fri 1/31 - David Gray - Madison Square Garden Fri 1/31 - Cody Chessnutt - S.O.B.’s Fri 1/31, Sat 2/1 - A.F.I. - Irving Plaza Fri 1/31, Sat 2/1 - James Brown - B.B. King Blues Club & Grill Sat 2/1 - Thurston Moore - North Six Tues 2/4 - Lyricist Lounge - S.O.B.’s Tues 2/4, Wed 2/5 - Dismemberment Plan - Bowery Ballroom Wed 2/5 - The Pretenders - Beacon Theatre Wed 2/5 - Henry Rollins - Town Hall Wed 2/5, Thur 2/6 - Finch, The Used, The Movielife Irving Plaza Fri 2/7 - The Donnas, OK Go - Irving Plaza Sat 2/8 - Los Lobos - Irving Plaza Sun 2/9, Mon 2/10 - Aimee Mann - Irving Plaza
YOUR EVENT HERE orgykarma@yahoo.com
Medium meeting tonight! 9:30, Frelinghuysen B-4
Spongebob Squarepants asks kids to do drugs!
Wed 1/29 - Borialis - The Saint Fri 1/31 - Coheed & Cambria, Codeseven - Birch Hill Fri 1/31 - New Blood Revival - Stone Pony Sat 2/1 - Finch, From Autumn to Ashes - Birch Hill Tues 2/4 - The Flashing Astonishers, Land Speed Record - Maxwell’s Wed 2/5 - Greenwheel - Birch Hill
http://www.themedium.net
This man is not a licensed gynecologist.
New Jersey