The Medium 4/1/2023

WEATHER

Kinda mid, ngl. If you want a better idea, check out our weather report on the next page.

Exclusive Coverage of the Turning Point USA Event on Cook-Doug Campus

BY THE DAILY MEDIUM NEWS STAFF NOT ACTUALLY NEWS STAFF

As notable events occur at Rutgers University, it is the responsibility of The Daily Medium to record the dialogue being spoken around campus. During the recently held Turning Point USA: Live Free event at Cook-Douglass, we listened to what the audience members had to say.

The main objective was to find what the audience wanted to learn from the event, as well as their political identity. The first interviewee was a Rutgers alumnus from 1978, Jerry Attrick, who mumbled, coughed, and threw up a little in response to our introduction. After Attrick glared at us and undulated for approximately five minutes, we moved on. Rutgers Junior, Ken Servativ, stated he was only at the event because they “promised pizza.” We attempted to get him to answer more questions; however, he continued playing Flappy Bird. He did not look at us once, then began to salivate and cry. During this interview, a member of the far-right group, the Proud Boys, approached our cameraman by the entrance to

the Douglass Student Center. He asked the team for directions to the event. After pointing to the sign by the door, he looked appalled and muttered something about reading being “cultural Marxism.” His identity was left anonymous by request.

Our last audience interviewee was a 4-year-old, Valerie Orant, who stated she desired to hear Candace Owens’ responses to opposing points. Her father jangled his keys and chuckled during this interview. In response to an inquiry regarding his political stance, he grumbled, “Cocomelon.” Turning towards the mother for her thoughts about the matter, she began to comment about the “Biden weather machine” for about five seconds before seemingly vanishing into thin air. Explanation of Mrs. Orant’s puzzling disappearance continues to elude the news team. We are still unsure of her whereabouts.

The Daily Medium took the opportunity to interview the speaker of the event, Candace Owens, a, right-wing politi-

litical pundit and content creator under the conservative media company, The Daily Wire. Owens made controversial statements about Hitler’s invasions during World War II, which offended the Jewish community. Following our questions regarding this controversy, she remarked that “it is impossible for my words to be anti-semitic, as my favorite movie is 21 Jump Street.”

Seismic Activity Reported at Ronald Reagan’s Grave

BY JEFF T. NEWS STAFF WRITER

Grindr, the popular gay dating app, announced on the 21st that it would be partnering with the Center of Disease Control and Prevention to distribute free at-home test kits to demographics most at risk nationwide. Following this announcement, a button now appears in the app’s chat menu that allows users to order their own test kits, no insurance needed, and even allows users to set an inapp reminder to order new test kits every 3 to 6 months.

However, not everyone has been pleased with this update, as reported by the US Geological Survey. Following the report of this news, a 4.6 magnitude earthquake rocked Simi Valley, California. The source of this minor earthquake was discovered to be the Ronald Reagan Presidential Li-

brary & Museum, which features a gender neutral bathroom that also doubles as the late president’s grave. When contacted, the media representative for the museum commented, “Yeah, he really does not like this, but at least we get a clean energy source by attaching a mo-

tor to his grave… because good god is he spinning in there.” Upon saying this, another small earthquake shook the building. When asked why there was another earthquake, he added, “Oh yeah, he hates clean

Following this, Owens accepted final questions from the audience before exiting the event. An unidentified student approached the microphone and asked about Turning Point USA’s plan to influence young Americans to participate passionately in political action. Glaring straight into the student’s eyes, Owens whispered a single word: “Venezuela.” The crowd erupt-

ed into applause.

[Editor’s Note: Just a disclaimer from the Editors-InChief at The Daily Medium, we have to acknowledge that the author could not actually get any interviews that day, and that this is all possibly fabricated.][Other Editor’s Note: Nah this all happened, honest.]

W.V. Republicans End Grooming by Removing Marriage Age Restrictions

BY JAMES TERI STAFF WRITER

West Virginia senator

Dick Justice introduced a bill to completely remove age requirements for any individuals seeking marriage in response to a similar bipartisan bill aimed to stop child marriages drafted around the end of last year.

The bill (which Justice called the Please Elope Directly Order) has seen some pushback from voters, but Justice has defended the proposal on several occasions on the grounds that such an act is necessary to defend the norms of “ good ol’ fashioned, minority hatin’, beer drinkin’, boob lovin’, dick slappin’, West Virginia-ass culture”.

“The DemoCUCKS wanna groom our kids by pushing the gay agenda on them.” Justice said in a press conference

Image: An image of a regular old bill, no relation to the PEDO Bill

last Thursday, “They’re tryna change our sacred way of life. It is my godgiven right to marry and impregnate as many young girls the day they turn 18 as I want.”

In addition to its universal support from the state’s GOP, PEDO has

enjoyed endorsements from some members of West Virginia’s Democratic Party and was name-dropped by former president and self-proclaimed soon-to-be convict Donald Trump during his

RUTGERS UNIVERSITY—NEW BRUNSWICK

Pictured Above: Conservatives

Image: A live reaction from Ronald Reagan’s rage.

Weather Report

The Intellistar 1 was the fifth generation successor to the Weather Star systems. You know, the system that makes the Local on the 8s segments on The Weather Channel? The thing we all grew up watching and are all concerningly obsessed with. No, just me? Oh okay. Anyway, the Intellistar 1 is obviously the best iteration of the Weather Star systems, it built upon the foundation of the Weather Star XL and the Weather Star 4000 by adding the voice of Allen Jackson to announce the weather as it appeared on the screen. However, on November 16th 2015, tragedy struck as the Intellistar 1 was officially retired and the Weather Channel started using the Intellistar 2. A obvious fucking downgrade, as they replaced Allen Jackson’s voice with Jim Cantore. I understand that Jim Cantore has been working at The Weather Channel since 1986, but that doesn’t mean he is fit to be the voice of Local on the 8s! Just because someone works at a company for a certain number of years, does not mean that they get to just become the CEO. Whatever. Anyway, stream Intellistar 1 clips on YouTube.

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169th (nice) Editorial Board

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF

TREASURER

NEWS EDITORS

FEATURES EDITOR

OPINIONS EDITOR

ARTS EDITOR

PERSONALS EDITOR

A7/MUSIC EDITOR

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SECRETARY

WEBMASTER

STAFF WRITERS

KYLE SABIN & BRENDAN HAAS

NAJAAH YOUSUF

CARLOS DOMENECH & FAITH MCNAUGHTON

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KIRAN SUBRAMANIAN

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JOHN MAHONEY

ARI GOTTESMAN & SAMEED SHAHID

KRISTINA PATEL

JADE ZACH

SAMANTHA BRAFF, MORGAN VOLKOVA, OWEN KEENAN

energy too. Back in 1981 he said that ‘Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do’. I don’t even know how someone comes to that opinion, but it has since been obviously debunked”. When asked if this is a common occurrence, the representative told us, “He was at a pretty steady rumble from 2008 to 2016, but one of the worst spikes was on June 26th, 2015 with a magnitude of 6.9. “We had to make some

repairs to the foundation after that.”

[Editor’s Note: If Grindr is not your gay dating app of choice, but you still want to get tested for HIV, go to takemehome. org where you can order free HIV, STI, and PrEP panel tests. All of these can be performed in the comfort of your own home, and they ship in discreet packaging. The website also has a support page where you can learn the next steps of what to do if

you test positive for specific infections, and a link to another website where you can anonymously inform your partners to get tested, which you can find at tellyourpartner.org…

I have just been advised by the US Geological Survey to stop talking about this matter, as the earthquakes have been slowly worsening while writing this article.]

rally in Waco, Texas.

“I gotta say, that Dick Justice guy, he knows how to write bills,” the former president said to a half-empty stadium of white people, “He makes good bills, the best bills (almost as good as mine). If this bill were my daughter, the hot one, and she was still young and hot, I would marry it.”

Given PEDO’s popularity, it’s likely to be signed by Jim Justice within the week, as the governor previously voiced his support for the bill on his Truth social page, saying in a truth last week, “PEDO represents a win for the people of West Virginia. Dick’s always had a good

DICK JUSTICE U.S. Senator (R, W.V.)

Dick’s always had a good head on his shoulders, and it warms my heart to see the public recognize him.”

Senator Justice is expected to reveal his bid for the 2024 presidential election any day now, as his Truth page has been particularly critical of the Biden administration’s proposed policies, including its recently announced plans to keep the sky blue, and have the sun continue to rise every day.

When asked for a comment, Justice simply answered “If Joe Brandon’s for it, then I’m against it.” He tipped his hat to me, gave me a wink, and rode off on horseback into the sunset, alongside his two muscular scantily clad platonic cowboy companions.

[Editor’s Note: Following our interview with Dick Justice, James Teri got a message on Grindr from a profile simply named ‘D.J.’.]

“BRO, I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU WRITE MORE ABOUT RONALD REAGAN SPINNING IN HIS GRAVE ONE MORE TIME, I’LL-”

A PORTION OF THE LETTER SENT TO US FROM THE GEOLOGICAL SURVEY GOVERNMENT AGENCY CONCERNED ABOUT EARTHQUAKES

“FUCK THEM KIDS.”

Image: One of the most popular unisex toilets in the North American continent

Image: The state of West Virginia, in case you forgot where it was.

Unpopular Opinions on Total Drama

BY 2000s Kid

1. Mike deserved to win Total Drama AllStars.

2. Total Drama All-Stars > Total Drama Pahkitew Island.

3. Duncan is overrated as fuck (he should not have come back in Total Drama World Tour).

4. Justin should have been the main villain in Total Drama Action, not Courtney.

5. Alejandro is not that great of a villain, and, contrary to popular belief, his character did not regress in Total Drama All-Stars.

6. Dave is not a bad character in Total Drama Pahkitew Island, and the finale does a disservice to him.

7. Courtney does not deserve to win any of the seasons of Total Drama.

8. Relating to point 3, contestants should not be allowed to return after they are eliminated.

9. Total Drama All-Stars should have been twice the length that it actually was.

10. Sam deserved to be in Total Drama AllStars over Owen.

A Synopsis of My Beef With Ticketmaster

BY Hugh Janus

Ok so, everyone and their mom has decided to go on tour this year - Drake, SZA, Bryson Tiller, Beyonce, etc. I, being the broke bitch I am, would like to attend said concerts of the artists mentioned earlier. Sooo, I make my way to Ticketmaster on 10 AM Wednesday morning hoping that I can obtain tickets for Bryson Tiller. I get in the queue for three venues and patiently wait for my turn. Finally, it was my turn, and tickets that were supposed to start at $60 actually started at $300! Crazy, right? It’s giving Drake prices for nosebleeds. So safe to say I didn’t buy tickets the day of the presale. But, there was general admission going on sale on Friday at 10 AM so I was like “there’s no shot, but anything for my baby Bryson.” So, here comes Friday. I just got out of class at 9:50 am and now, I am on a REXL in the virtual waiting room. I waited some more in the queue, and then I was in. I knew I wasn’t going to have better luck, considering that I was on a REXL too, and I was right. All three venues that I was looking at had sold out (yayayayaya). I was even listening to my Bryson Tiller playlist thinking I would have better luck. I was about to cry on the REXL lolz, but I’m a bad bitch so I didn’t. And, I know you all probably don’t give a shit about my tickets to some stupid concert, but GUESS WHAT?? I ENDED UP GETTING FLOOR TICKETS. Did I feed into the resellers? Yes. But I do not regret it at all.

ME ON THE REXL AT 10AM LAST FRIDAY

EDITORS’S NOTE: COME TO OUR PITCH MEETING ON WEDNESDAY AT 7:00 PM IN THE LSC BOARD ROOM! BRINGING BACK THE RUTGURLS AGAIN AT THIS MEETING SO BE THERE OR BE SQUARE BITCHES. AND MAKE SURE YOU DO THIS CROSSWORD. I PUT A LOT OF EFFORT INTO IT.

OPINIONS

My Roommate Is Behind The Times

PRAYAN GARGISHK

I got to get this off my chest. This article may come off as harsh, but this issue has really been grinding my gears over the semester, and now I have to let you all know about it. I have this roommate named Raynav Sharipati and he’s a character. He has some weird quirks, like excessively using the word “bro,” and just being tonedeaf (he comes across as very aloof and like a villain you would see at a debate tournament).

But the worst thing about him is that he gets into music a little too late. I remember this specific event. A month ago, I was working on some applications to the Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco, and he burst in saying, “Bro, bro, bro, you gotta listen to this new song. It was released today. Like lowkey, this shit slaps so hard!!” I am a bit of a music aficionado and decided to lend my ear to this tune.

It turns out it’s just “1-800-2738255,” a song by Logic (one of my favorite rappers, East Coast for

The Weekly Ruby Rant

life!!!). The song came out 6 years ago. I had to explain to him that the song is old and that Logic has new shit (Check out College Park, this album is fire!!!). The worst part is that it is the most mainstream Logic song ever. He did not get it at all and just dismissed me.

A couple of weeks pass by and he returns with another song that had “just” been released. According to him, the song “is so fire, like this motherfucking song, is better than a $5 cravings box at Taco Bell, the greatest resteraunt ever!” Skeptically, I listen to the song. Guess what it was. It was the fucking Moonlight Sonata composed by Beethoven in 1801. Part of me wants to get up and give a fucking eight-minute speech about how these songs are not new, but I fear that the next song he’s going to make me listen to is “Oogga Booga” written by fucking Lucy the Australopithecus afarensis

At this point, I am getting fucking tired of his bullshit. It’s getting so bad that I am considering transferring to a different university. I hear that NYU is a nice campus. Maybe you’ll find me there.

We Are Just In Our 2008s era

SVB is now SBF

SILLICON VALLEY BANK

We’re sure you have heard the news. The FDIC had to step in to ensure that the people who deposited money in our bank did not lose it all. But can you blame us, we were just in our 2008 era.

Come on, you all remember 2008? Liquid tights, babydoll shirts, hippie headbands, shit was good. Given the current state of the world, between climaterelated disasters and authoritarian regimes spreading their influence, we thought everyone needed a nice throwback.

That’s why we created a system that would work during lowinterest periods and put money into mortgaged back securities. After all, what’s the worst that

could happen? It’s not like economic conditions ever change.

How could we have known that things would have gone wrong? I mean, all the guys were doing it. You know, Bear Stearns, the Lehman Brothers, Citigroup, Merill. The cool guys were doing it, and we just wanted our turn at the risky lending game.

At the same time, we must admit our bank was founded in the wrong decade. Even though we were just operating in our 2008 era, we mixed it in with a little 1930s energy. We don’t know why you guys are mad at us. The 1930s were great! We all watched Babylon, and the 1930s looked pretty fucking awesome.

Nostalgia is all the rage there days. We just wanted to apply that to our current banking world.

We get that things are not looking good. But can you blame us? We just are in our 1930s and 2008 era.

Ranting and Raving

RUBY TANZANITE

Hello dear reader, and welcome! to the Weekly Ruby Rant, the series where I, Ruby Tanzanite, the Princess of Pussy, the Queen of Queefs, the Viscountess of Vulva, recount all my happenings from the past week for you to enjoy, study, analyze, and memorialize! And oh boy, non-specific gendered Daily Medium reader, do I have a rant for you this week! Particularly astute and well-read readers will recall my featured Opinions piece in the last issue of The Medium, in which I talked about how fucking sad I was (The Medium, let me make it clear, was a last resort; I think that that… thing is the absolute lowest point that serious, professional, aesthetically pleasing journalism has ever reached. The pure amount of crass language and swearing in that paper… well.). Well, reader, I am happy to announce that I have ended my friendship with

the Sad Era, and now I am in my Hoe Era! #yas #slay

What does being in my Hoe Era mean, exactly? Well, it means that I will be sucking, fucking, slurping, gobbling, and shlorping on every 5+/10 man I run into on George Street. I secured a single room for next year, dear reader, and you know what that means: I will be hosting all-you-can-eats from the guaranteed privacy of a 9x12 space. On the menu: me. The customers: boys with severe emotional and communicative deficiencies. If that sounds like you, reader, you know where to reach me. ;) ;) ;) #gluckgluckgluck #werkthehausdown

***Author’s note: reading this invitation is not an explicit giving of consent. Always get enthusiastic verbal consent from your partners, girls and gays. Anyway, that is all I have for you, dear reader. Thank you so freaking much for listening to my super fucking cool rant. Next week from Ruby Tanzanite in The Daily Medium: a very serious discussion of alter egos, long and naming themes. Yours truly, Ruby motherfreaking Tanzanite <3

I Defunded The Daily Targum IT

WAS ME ALL ALONG

JAMES COOLEY

It was a cool 2019 mid-semester night. I had Taco Bell the day before. My tummy was rumbling and my hands were shaking. I was about to go to class and take a midterm worth 50 percent of my grade.

I had to make a decision and I had to make it quick. Do I go to the bathroom, wait in line, fail the class, graduate a year late, and pay this university $17k more just for tuition. Or do I join the brave men and women of the past, those who crossed oceans and traversed continents and shit in the Livingston nature reserve outside the business school. I knew what I had to do.

I grabbed my favorite, still in print, copy of The Daily Targum and ran into the woods like my

ancestors before me. And let me tell you, The Daily Targum disappointed me. The pages were hard and thin, tearing as I put the paper to my asshole. The ink ran down my legs as I desperately tried to wipe the stream of diarrhea off my inner thigh.

From that day I swore that I will destroy the Targum for destroying my pants. I started the movement to cancel the Daily Targum and I am proud of it. I raised hell on the streets. I spray painted and put cobwebs in their boxes. After the smear that caused my smear campaign their crappy publication stopped printing. And yes, I did finish my midterm in time, although because of the Targum’s lack of absorption I had to get new dress shoes that were not overflowing with shit.

Fortunately, The Medium acts as a perfect substitue for these emergency Taco Bell runs. Thank god for the silky, smooth, pages of The Medium.

YOUR VOICE The Daily Medium welcomes submissions from all readers. Due to space limitations, letters to the editor must not be exceed 500 words; we do make exceptions for letters of length between 575 and 600 words. And if it goes above 850, at least try to keep it below 915 words. However that is the absolute limit. If you have a submission that absolutely warrants more than, say, 1,264 words, we kindly request you cull it to a physical maximum of 1,571 words. I think that’s pretty reasonable, don’t you? Submit your content via e-mail to: themedium.submissions@gmail. com! (Keep it under 2,805 words, please).

Horasscopes

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Your mom will tell you that you need to stop being so annoying or she will abort you.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Today, you will discover your true love– gingers.

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)

Your ego will get the best of you today. You have been feeling down about the size of your dick so you will undergo penilelengthening surgery on yourself.

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)

Today, You will go to the CAG and start doing acrobatics in the weight room.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Sorry babes, you’re dying today lolz.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You will call your professor a “fucking ugly cum sucking vacuum” after they say “hello” to you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You will be expected to do anal and you will oblige.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You will be greeted by a fishy smell everywhere you go today.

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)

You are the fishy smell following Aquarius around.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You will recreate the Disney movie, Brave.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You will offer your coochie to a friend who just attempted penilelengthening surgery on himself.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Your mom will tell you that you need to stop being so annoying or will not abort you, and force you to suffer and toil in this mortal plane.

GOOD EVENING! WE HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS ISSUE OF THE DAILY MEDIUM. COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS AT 7PM AT THE LSC BOARD ROOM FOR “FUNNY” JOKES !

Fashion Report of the Week

Real Advertisement: Sick of the Targum and their unprinted paper?

Advertise with us and shove it in their face!

Personals:

Send ads to themedium.submissions@ gmail.com

Must be slay and me-approved (a.k.a. no more capybaras)

Looking for unborn babies to be participants in longitudinal research study on the developmental effects of group psychology and communism. Pay is equal.

Services

Anyone got a squirt of lemon juice I can borrow?

Seriously, I only need like a little squirt. For reference, compare the amount that comes out after 10 seconds with me with how much lemon juice you should lend me. Also, don’t ask what this is for when you lend it. Thanks xoxo <3

I need someone to act like a total bitch in a class group chat I’m in. These fucking dickheads never shut the fuck up and I’m tired of it. You don’t need to talk all the time, just say some out of pocket shit to shut them up. Here’s the groupme code in this ad: https://groupme.com/ join_group/91522305/ QTiAY5S2

I need a lot of money.

Loney bisexual looking for someone to hold. Must not be a cunt.

Must have sexy, flowy long hair.

Willing to be gay.

Tests/Studies

Doing a study about the correlation between being a university president and being a complete unsympathetic idiot. Looking for 56 year old dickhead.

I NEED GUITAR

I have a guitar. I have never played it before. But if you pay me $60 I will serenade you for 24 hours with my guitar. We will experience this first together.

Hey sluts. Are you horny and want a good fantasy to masterbate to but lack the mental creativity that some of The Medium writers, like Average AO3 writer, have too much of? Well, do we have a solution for you! Our very own in-house smut writer is doing commissions. Text them at this number: 609-284-0488. I’m sure you will be satisfied with this service ;)

Offering to break up with your significant other for you. I have plenty of pent up anger against all people, so I can make it a really good breakup. There are three different levels you can buy: still friends, Oscarwining drama, and homie hopper, but you have to pay extra for that last one, shit gets messy. Text me at: 609-284-0488

Come on down to Uncle Chubby’s Adult Superstore, the best pornography store in the tri-state area. We have everything from 1930’s softcore, where you can only see naked backs, to modern hardcore, where they play “how many dicks can fit in an asshole”. On the first tuesday of the month, if you bring in a photo of your ex-wife, you get 30% your purchase. Come find us under the overpass of Exit 23 off Interstate 787 or call us at (214) 7446664. Proud sponsors of the Albany Sweathogs.

Looking for someone to voice act for the new Mario Bros movie. Current voice actor is sus as hell. Must be able to speak in a realistic Italian accent (*only requirement*). Should memorize and perform entire 2 hour script in 2 weeks, movie comes out 4/17.

Selling Kidneys For Tickets

You get: 2 semi-functioning kidneys

I get: the final best night of my life

Good evening children. I am Ronald. I am 64 years old. I have sent in this advertisement because I have become desperate. The best creation God has ever allowed to be on this planet, the New Jersey king, Bruce Springstein, is playing a concert this year. I no longer have enough money for this concert because my bitch ass wife spent it on our child’s “education”, whatever the fuck that means. I mean, what’s more important? Paying for our child to finish her last year of med school so she could save lives or allowing me to go to the Springstein concert with my buddies?! (There is only one right answer.) Anyway, all of this to say: I am selling both of my kidneys to afford the best night of my life. They are (more than) slightly used, they are pretty efficient at dealing with alcohol (especially beer) although this feature has begun to decline recently (I have no idea why though), and they are like a really cool burnt color. If you are interested, meet me at under the overpass, next to Uncle Chubby’s, and bring cash only.

WANTED

I need someone to write my essay for my History of Math class. I am a terrible student who is probably a disappointment to his… I mean my parents. I should do the work to write this on my own but I decided to use this illegal… um, I mean really cool site instead. I am definitely not a cop. So if there are any criminals, fuck, I meant to say cool people, out there willing to write my essay for me… you should call this number: 9-1-1 (this is a legit number). The reward money will be the satisfaction you will feel from turning yourself in… and by that I mean the reward is helping your fellow criminal FUCKING

DAMMIT HOW DO I

DO THIS.. sorry for the difficulties, I meant to say help a fellow student out.

Help! My endangered pet frog, Gerald, has been let loose at the Easton Ave apartments! My bitch ass roommate forgot to put him on a leash and he escaped from her grimy little hands. I didn’t even get to celebrate his 10th birthday with him… I even made a frog-sized swamp-flavored cake. The worst thing is, when I asked people about it in the GroupMe, they said that they were gonna cook him and put him in the dishwasher, and then kicked me out of the GroupMe! Like bitch-I just lost my best friend and now I have no one I can ask for help. So please, if you see Gerlad, let me know IMMEDIATELY. You can find me under the overpass, next to Uncle Chubby’s. Please hurry… he’s probably all scared and sad without my tender goodnight kisses.

Be my shit. Must be warm and loose. Pay starts at $5 per shit ($10 max)

Need my dick sucked. PLEASE. CONTACT ME.

I BELIEVE IN GERALD SUPREMACY

CAMPUS CALENDAR

APRIL 2-6: Anti-Geek Week. “Sorry, losers. Your dork week is over. It’s time for ANTI-GEEK WEEK. An entire week dedicated to obliterating fucking nerds. Prepare to meet your worst nightmares, nerds. I’m talking wedgies, noogies, and swirlies. You’re gonna regret ever playing D&D. And there’s no saving throw to get out of this.”President Holloway

WEDNESDAY APRIL 10: TOO MUCH LASAGNA! Following an ordering error with dining services, Brower Dining Hall is now dangerously oversupplied with the ingredients needed for lasagna. To help offset this surplus, an event will be held to serve as much lasagna as possible. Lasagna will be served all day at the dining hall. Come at 12 o’clock for the lasagna eating where the winner will receive a $5 gift card to the Rutgers merch store.

FRIDAY APRIL 16: Breaking Bad LIVE! The Breaking Bad Roleplay Club is holding their annual live performance of Breaking Bad at 8 pm in Van Dyke Hall. The episodes being performed will be “Ozymandias” and “Felina”. The Better Call Saul Roleplay Club will also perform the episode “Breaking Bad” from Better Call Saul. The event will be BYOM (bring your own meth).

THURSDAY APRIL 22: Holes For Poles. How many poles does it take to drill a hole in your skull? Three. One to hold the drill, and two to turn your body. The Trepanation Club has teamed up with the Polish Club to raise money for Ukrainian refugees in Poland. From 11 am to 5 pm at The Yard, the Trepanation Club will drill a hole in your head for $5. Have you ever needed something like “you need a hole in the head”? Well, this is the event for you!

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ABOUT THE WEATHER

The Intellistar 1 was the fifth generation successor to the Weather Star systems. You know, the system that makes the Local on the 8s segments on The Weather Channel? The thing we all grew up watching and are all concerningly obsessed with. No, just me? Oh okay. Anyway, the Intellistar 1 is obviously the best iteration of the Weather Star systems, it built upon the foundation of the Weather Star XL and the Weather Star 4000 by adding the voice of Allen Jackson to announce the weather as it appeared on the screen. However, on November 16th 2015, tragedy struck as the Intellistar 1 was officially retired and the Weather Channel started using the Intellistar 2. A obvious fucking downgrade, as they replaced Allen Jackson’s voice with Jim Cantore. I understand that Jim Cantore has been working at The Weather Channel since 1986, but that doesn’t mean he is fit to be the voice of Local on the 8s! Just because someone works at a company for a certain number of years, does not mean that they get to just become the CEO.

MIND CHEESE

HOW TO MAKE CRYSTAL METH

Sports

Rutgers Holds First Demolition Derby in SHI Stadium

BY DOGMEAT JONES SPORTS WRITER

Last week, in a desperate move to add even more money to the athletics budget, Rutgers University converted the field of SHI Stadium into a mud pit to hold the first annual Rutgers Bus Demolition Derby.

The inaugural exhibition of vehicular mayhem and white trashiness was held on Saturday, March 18th, in front of a hooting crowd of 18,000 scumbags with no better place to be. The theme of the night was, “five buses enter, one bus leaves,” which is exactly what happened.

The competitors and their vehicles for this display of cultural decay are the following: Jonathan “The Crusher” Holloway, in his bus “The Union Buster.”

“Storming” Greg Schiano in “The Scarlet Death.” Steve “The Spike” Pikiell in “The Double Dribbler.” Coquese “Destroyer” Washington” in “The Bus Cracker.” Lastly, Head Janitor Murphy Douglas, in “The Mop of Doom.”

Holloway spray painted “Right To Work” on the side of his weapon. Schiano painted his carriage scarlet red. Pikiell added a long spike to his bus. Washington welded two metal bars to the front of her vehicle to act as a massive nutcracker. Douglas tapped a 12-foot mop to the top of his machine.

The evening of low standards started at 7 o’clock when Holloway crashed into the side

of Douglas, spinning The Mop of Doom out of control. The basketball coaches duked it out when The Bus Cracker crushed the front of the double dribbler. Schiano joined the chaos by T-boning the Union Buster.

The first victim was Douglas when The Mop of Doom’s mop came unattached from his roof and javelined the bus upside down. The next casualty was Schiano when Pikiell and

Washington teamed up to flatten

The Scarlet Death. This twoperson strategy cost them dearly when both of their engines blew out in the mud.

Holloway and The Union Buster were declared the winner by default, his favorite way to win. During his victory speech, Holloway was asked about the possible union strike; he said something vague and incorrect about it being illegal for

government employees to strike before running away into the tunnel.

There were some complaints that the conversion of the SHI Stadium’s field into mud greatly damaged it and would hurt Rutgers Football. The response was that the football team wasn’t doing anything good with the space anyway.

Update on The Albany Sweathogs

By Sports Editor

Hello, sports fans. It is I, the Sports Editor, with an update on the newest and fastest-growing franchise in the United States Football League, The Albany Sweathogs.

For a quick refresher, I have entered the world of sports ownership with my creation of the Sweathogs, a (semi) professional football team. Our arena, the Waffle House Stadium, is an old roller derby arena whose roof I have removed. I wanted to give an update on how things are going for The Hogs before our opening game against The Pittsburgh Maulers on April 16th.

First, I would like to dispel the rumor that our new running back, Roberto Gonzalez, is, in fact, Ivan Prieto Gonzalez. Ivan

Gonzalez, as many of you should know, is the catcher for the Cuban national baseball team who defected after Cuba’s loss in The World Baseball Classic in Miami.

I want to go on the record here and now-Roberto and Ivan are completely different people, and it is purely coincidental that Roberto showed up after Ivan went missing. It was also purely coincidental that I happened to be in Miami when Ivan defected; I was in Miami visiting a dear friend of mine. I would also like to point out that Ivan has two eyes, whereas Roberto has only one eye, the aftermath of a tragic banana slipping accident. Apparently, Roberto’s eye socket is haunted, so he can’t play during full moons, but it should be fine.

Additionally, an update about the Waffle House Stadium: My

EXTRA POINT

fear of rain did indeed happen, so the shag carpeting that was supposed to be our field, unfortunately, got wet, and now the place has a mildew smell. But the good news is that we are currently drying out the field, and I have lit a couple of candles. So again, it should be fine.

Further good news, we have gotten a sponsor to promote in our stadium and on the sidelines.

I am proud to announce our partnership with Uncle Chubby’s Adult Super Store, the greatest porno outlet in the tri-state area. Uncle Chubby has everything that any pervert would get hard over, from the softest softcore to the hardest hardcore. Uncle Chubby’s can be found under the overpass of Exit 23 on Interstate 787.

REALLY IMPORTANT: In less than two months. This year-long (mostly) one-man crusade of mine comes to an end. For I shall be walking over that graduation stage. This page that rose from the ashes 9 years ago will go dormant once again until someone else comes along to revise it. I hope it doesn’t lie dead for long.

Evelyn Waugh, Scoop

The Aftermath of the Carnage on the Demolition Field

Pictured: NOT Ivan, but Roberto Gonzalez