The Medium 4/26/2023

IS

THE MEDIUM ANNOUNCES BID TO ACQUIRE FOX NEWS

BY JAMES TERI NUWUS :3

In the wake of Fox News’ reported 800 million dollar settlement payout to Dominion Voting Systems for a defamation suit related to a long-running smear campaign regarding its supposed role in an alleged conspiracy to rig the 2020 U.S. presidential election in favor of Joe Biden, esteemed Rutgers University publication The Medium has announced its plans to purchase the popular right-wing news outlet for an undisclosed amount of money.

The Medium is excited to welcome such a well-known news comedy brand to our family.”

According to Haas, the acquisition was done out of a desire to not only boost The Medium’s online presence, but also in an attempt to break into the world of broadcast network television, as the burgeoning media mogul has already announced his intentions to replace Fox’s Tucker Carlson with himself.

Rupert Murdoch, founder and executive chairman of Fox’s

parent company News Corp, seemed equally smitten with the development, saying “I’m not sure that kid really knows what Fox is, or what its audience expects of it, but at this point? Fuck it.” He elaborated further by adding, “Although we’ve used the ‘entertainment’ excuse any number of times in the past for legal purposes, I don’t know that the viewer base’s necessarily gonna be stoked now that it’s operated by a literal college satire paper, but I guess as long as it

Continued on Page 2

HE JUST WANTED TO SPREAD THE LOVE, THAT'S ALL

THE DEVIL IS REAL

BY LEXA PREAUX PRAISE LORD ZARNUB!

Tensions are high at Rutgers University, as students come off of a strike and begin preparing for finals. Days are getting longer and warmer, the semester is nearing an end, and during this transitional period, many are left looking for a sense of belonging. Many campus organizations and extra curricular activities provide students with community, an important key to thriving in a college environment. To truly belong though, is something that chess club cannot provide.

A charismatic figure began popping up around fields at night and crossroads at dusk on campus this past week. He claims his name is Ronald Burz, and he’s been

spotted out and about, offering students access to their wildest dreams in exchange for their souls.

Ronald Burz is a faculty member in the Philosophy department, and when he’s not begging for souls, he’s teaching courses on “The Obsidian Gate,” “The Word of Lord Zarnub,” and “The PostModern Devil: An Incarnation.” Burz is slithery, slimy, shiny, and

Being Sad That It's Over

Since 1970

Continued on Page 2

Postponed: D.B. Cooper Alive As Rutgers Student

The Medium To Interview Lil Nas X News Editors Get Too Old For This Shit This Is Biden's America Don Lemon

Biden Makes Bid For 2020 Presidential Elections Former Personals Editor Finally Fucking Graduates Midnight Breakfast Found To Be Mid Tucker Carlson Signs Contract With CNN English Major Appalled To Find They Have to Write Essays Fuck You All, This Is The Last Issue Of The Semester

THAT'S A SERIOUS QUESTION

FR, WOULD HE?

continues spouting overtly bigoted bullshit, they’ll just keep lapping it up.”

The move has seen some pushback from The Medium’s executive board, with Haas’ CoEditor-in-Chief Kyle Sabin voicing his shock and displeasure over his partner's decision for the merger after only having found out after being asked for a comment.

“Wait, he’s actually buying it? Fuck man… I thought he was joking.” Sabin explained, pacing nervously around his 15th story office at the newly constructed Rutgers Tower. “I mean, he kept bringing it up during pitch meetings, but I thought it was just a running bit, y'know? Where the

BTW

...continued from front

fuck are we gonna get the money for this?”

Negotiations are said to be currently underway, and the deal is expected to be closed by the beginning of September.

EH, WORKERS' RIGHTS ARE OVERRATED ANYWAY

HOLLOWAY TO DEFUND RUTGERS LABOR STUDIES DEPARTMENT

BY JAMES TERI PAYING OFF MY FIFTH PARKING FINE

In the wake of the suspension of the university’s historic five day labor strike, Rutgers president Jonathan Holloway gave a speech last Monday to announce budget changes for the upcoming 20232024 academic year.

Specifically, Holloway focused much of the presentation on his plans for the institution’s labor studies

Staff

Spring 2023

department, which included a 100% reduction in funding, as well as the immediate cancelation of all classes even remotely related to the study of similarly historic collectivist labor movements.

“I just can’t see a reason why going forward we would need to study the history of labor,” the president announced, high atop his

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and around bus stops. With many students having sold their souls at Rutgers crossroads, there has been an upsurge in dancing to the sounds of fiddles, and skyrocketing approval ratings of demonic activities, ghouls, and goblins. One student stated, “I sold my soul for $50 in RU Express. If Ronald Burz is the Devil, then the Devil is caring, cool, freaking awesome, hilarious, charming, and also kinda sexy! Oooooo!”

As a journalist, I saw an opportunity to understand the minds of the students who have been interacting with the devil, so I too sold my soul. I sold my soul for six bars of gold, and I sure did get my gold bars. I also feel incredibly

newly constructed Rutgers Tower to the raucous crowd of students, staff, and (in his words) “overall peasants” down below. “It’s a silly subject that won’t do anybody any good in the real world.”After a period of jeers from the crowd, he added, “besides, you little ants out there clearly already know everything about so-called ‘organized labor’ anyway, so what’s there new to learn from us anyway?”

Instead, Holloway outlined his plans to invest the now defunct labor studies department’s budget into both Rutgers’ upcoming 2023 Bus Demolition Derby, and the formation of a new minor for the university’s law school specifically aimed to prepare students to join union busting law firms.

When asked about the academic prospect of those currently enrolled in Rutgers’ labor studies program, Holloway simply shrugged his shoulders, and responded with a

cold, and I’ve been hearing voices. The voices beckon me towards the obsidian gate. They ask me to serve Lord Zarnub. The voices are beautiful. I will follow them to the ends of the earth and far, far down below. Signing off, this is Lexa Preaux.

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disinterested “sucks to suck.”

Responses from the affected students and staff have been more spirited. One junior previously enrolled as a labor studies and employment relations major said “Well, I’m already a few grand in debt after three years of studying this shit, what’s another four to actually get a major?”

One labor studies professor lambasted the president’s decision, saying “Jonathan Holloway is the pettiest son of a bitch I’ve ever had the displeasure of being employed by, and I used to work for Tesla’s PR department.” The professor paused to think for a moment, before adding “And his tower’s garish too. Plus what’s with his new get-up? Who does he think he is? King of Rutgers?”

It is unclear at this time whether or not Mr. Holloway will make any changes to his title as university president.

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PRAISE LORD ZARNUB!

PRAISE LORD ZARNUB!

Owen Keenan, Mia Freeman, Samantha Braff, Morgan Volkova

The Medium Median Data Collection and Analysis: Anita Manda

Hugankiss

Report by: Personal Lee

Here at The Medium, we’re anything but average. Which fucking sucks. Have you ever tried reaching the top shelf when you aren’t average? It’s so (easy/ hard)! So we decided to change that. Presented below is the average Medium member. The Medium Medium, if you will.

Regardless of what they tell you, the Medium Medium member is 5’9”. They were born and raised in Central Jersey, and it shows! They went to public school and did 3 extracurricular activities, including marching band. I guess it wasn’t enough to get them into an Ivy. At least they’ve got a 3.7 at Rutgers. That’s got to count for something, right?

The medium Medium member loves their sense of humor. They’re really funny, and we love that about them. Wanna hear something funny? The Medium Medium member gets fucked by flowers (pollen allergy) almost as much as they get fucked by people (6.5 partners on average, give or take the virgins).

It’s fitting that we added a music page this semester, because the Medium Medium member is a verse. A bottom, too! With a breeding kink. Which probably explains all the pregnancy scares, now that I think about it. No one fucks you unprotected like Rutgers, I guess.

The Medium Medium member is really good at writing articles about statistics, but couldn’t find a funny joke for these ones:

Nicest thing you’ve ever heard: “I’m proud of you.” Meanest thing you’ve ever heard: Something we can’t write in the paper.

Seen all of our immediate (immedium?) family members naked, plus another cousin for good measure! Masturbates every other day.

Half Jewish and half Christian Is equally loved by both their parents, but loves their mom a little more.

The Medium Medium member has ADHD and is really happy that weed was legalized, which is probably why this article is so unfocused (remember the humor thing from before?). They’ve got anger issues and are really insecure and don't know where they go when they’ll die, but the weed helps.

Most importantly, the Medium Medium member is really good at closing this article.

PS: Here's one last statistic: Jonathan Holloway made $922,364 gross salary in 2021. That's roughly 30 times as much as the grad workers he refused to help!

*source: Asbury Park Press public salaries lookup https://content-static.app.com/datauniverse/caspio/ bundle/Rutgers_salaries.html

AN ENGLISH MAJOR

Are These Shakespearian Insults Or Things One Of My Ex-Wives Said To Me

By: Spunky McGee

William Shakespeare was one of the greatest writers in English history, especially when it comes to the great barbs and insults that he wrote in his legendary plays. But let me tell you, as a man who has been married six times to five different women (yes, I married one of them twice-it was not better the second time), the bard doesn’t have shit on the wit of a 47-year-old diner waitress named Peggy with a beehive hairdo who just learned that you smoked her last cigarette (yes that was one of my ex-wives, I miss her somedays). So for funsies, here are a couple of insults; some from Shakespeare, and some from the divorce court records.

1. “I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.” - From Timon of Athens (Act 4, Scene 3)

2, “Thou droning ill-breeding haggard”- My fourth ex-wife Roxanne before throwing an Elvis collectible plate at my head as I was leaving the double-wide trailer.

3. “Villain, I have done thy mother” - From Titus Andronicus (Act 4, Scene 2)

4. “Thou shall hav-eth a tapeworm”- 2nd ex-wife Tammy-Lee after I told her that her meatloaf tasted like ass.

5. “Thine face is not worth sunburning.”- From Henry V (Act 5, Scene 2)

6. “Thou clouted beef-witted mammet”- Crystal (Wife number 3) when I forgot to pay the electric bill for the third month in the row and our lights got shut off.

7. “Thou cream faced loon”- From Macbeth (Act 5, Scene 3) But I think that was also something Peggy called me.

IN BRITAIN, THEY WOULD SAY ARSEHOLE

Are You An Asshole?

By: Hugh Janus

1. Do you hold the door open for people?

A. Yeah, it’s common courtesy.

B. No, I don’t like people.

2. Have you ever racially profiled anyone?

A. Yes, I once said my brown friend looked like Devi from that stupid Netflix show Never Have I Ever.

B. No, I’m not rockin’ with racial profiling.

3. If someone were to fall in front of you, would you help them?

A. Yes, I am not an asshole. I would help them up.

B. No, I am an asshole. I would laugh my ass off until they got back up.

If you answered yes to question 1, congratulations, you are not an asshole! If you said yes to question 2, then you are most definitely an asshole. If you answered yes to both questions 1 and 3, you are not an asshole! If you answered yes to all three questions, you are actually scum because that means you answered yes to question 2. You’re right next to the students who go to Rutgers Newark.

UNIVERSITY VOICES

Are You Ready for Finals

"No."

Started studying for spring finals on June 1st, 2023

Brett Brokeworm

Addicted to nicotine and Mon-

BORN TOO EARLY, GONE TOO SOON

Farewell Dear Readers

BY CHAIRLIFT CHARLIE

I knew this day would come from the moment I was born prematurely, eager to bravely exit my mother’s womb. For years, I have sought out the truth. I have fought against propaganda, refused subliminal messaging, and rejected government structures meant to dull the mind and turn the people into what?? Did you hear that? Baaa baaa baaa… FUCKING SHEEP! After a successful campaign for governor (I did not win), I left a trail behind me. The big guys know my true identity. They know about my novel, The Adventures of Jimmly Wizard Snake. They know about the 24 days I spent trapped in a cardboard box, hidden away in underground tunnels. They know about my dedication to Lord Zarnub, and my quest to enter the obsidian gate. But, what hurts my poor heart the most is that they have found my sister, Chairlift Charlene, and my bitch niece, Rebecca. I believe they have been detained because they stopped answering my emails about how I started growing onions in the shed I stole from Home Depot (How did I do it? Wouldn’t you like to know!).

Piece of shit that has zero emotional intelligence

DISCOBOLUS DISAPPROVES OF THIS

Why I Hate Discus and Discus-Related

BY ULTI MAATE DISCUSS

Since the weather has been nice over the last few days, I have been spending more time outside. The birds, the bees, and the petals falling from the trees have been putting me in a good mood recently. However, with this great weather comes a new threat facing Rutgers University: discus and discus-related activit-Ouch! Sorry, give me a second. Got hit in the head by a frisbee. Anyway, I don’t get the point of discuses. They are not particularly great for throwing. Everything that a frisbees can do, a ball can do better. They are better for throwing, better for catching, and are fun to hold. The only thing that a discus can do is - OW!!!

Ok, I’m in a different spot now (got hit with another frisbee). Continuing onwards, the fact is that discuses suck. The only people that actually like them are old-timey Olympians. Like, from 3000 years ago. Like, we get that you guys needed an excuse to get naked in public without facing societal pressures, but your weird shame fetishes should not lead me to get hit with a FUCK!!!

GODDAMN IT, I GOT HIT IN THE HEAD WITH ANOTHER FRISBEE!!! Hoooookay, I finally got to a new spot that should be safe from flying discs. The last thing I have to say is that the problem with the discus is that they are not meant to be thrown. Many people that throw these objects around do not understand how to properly do it. As a result, many inno-

Editor’s note - Hi, this is Justin Gorged, our opinions editor got hit in the head with a flying dick or whatever. He’ll be back next week...or next semester.

As I am writing this, the president and his gang of goons are trying to break down the steel door to my bunker, and the elaborate booby traps (mouse traps with tons of cheese) will only hold them off for so long. I fear they arrest me for theft, fraud, conspiracy to commit fraud, or public indecency. Regardless of my charges, I will be gone for some time. This doesn’t mean the government has bested me. I never lose. This is only the beginning of another battle, and I was born prematurely to fight. Farewell, and never stop pursuing the truth.

DANCING WITH THE DEVIL Review of Busch Dining Hall's "Evil Meat"

BY HANK VERDE

The high ceilings towered over me as I strode to the buffet section of Busch dining hall. I began to survey my options for a nutritious dinner when one entree, between steamed green beans and fingerling potatoes, caught my eye. The protein was stringy and seamed firm and dry. It exuded a dark aura that deviously wafted to me, carrying a slight scent of garlic and eggs. It was greyish, but the best way to describe the overall aesthetic of this slab of meat was “diabolical.”

My gaze turned to the label above it where it spelled out “Evil Meat.” I asked what meat it was, and they replied simply “Evil Meat.” I asked what it was made of. “It’s made from evil,” they said. I asked what animal provides evil meat, because it certainly resembled the meat of an animal. They told me, “There is no animal. It is only evil.” It seemed that there would be no answer to the question of Evil Meat. I went to town on the Evil Meat. It wasn’t enjoyable, but I kept eating it, as if there was another soul within me, willing me to the next mouthful. It had the texture of despair.

When I left Busch, I was unsure of how I would review the experience. That was until I started hearing the voices. I love Evil Meat. Busch is my favorite dining hall. I wish to serve Evil Meat to all of my friends. Everything is perfectly fine. I am Not Evil.

"Hell is proof that global warming is made by the Devil."

"I am ready to die."

ster Energy Drinks

Griffin Hawke

"Damn, I was hoping that the strike would go into the finals seasons."

Outef Tounch

Wednesday, April 26th, 2023

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MOUSE &

ARTS

"Last call for a date with EiC Kyle he's so desperate please ple”

BY NICK ZYSMAN & ZZIRM

THIS IS A REAL PICTURE OF DON LEMON BY ZZIRM A PARTING GIFT BY ZZIRM (ARTS EDITOR)

WELL, IT'S THE LAST ISSUE OF THE SEMESTER. THE ART PAGE MAY GET PASSED TO ANOTHER CREATIVE MIND.

THANK YOU FOR READING THE MEDIUM AND WE HOPE TO SEE YOU AT RUTGERS DAY SOMEWHERE ON COLLEGE AVE. I PUT MY BLOOD, SWEAT, TEARS, AND SOME PANERA SOUP INTO THIS PAGE

DURING THE EDITING PROCESS. O7 (IT'S LIKE A SALUTE, BYE BYE :D)

GROUSE

MICKEY FORGOT FIRE'S DANGEROUS BY YOUR LOCAL ACE PERSON

Good

How do they get cars in the mall?

(This is quite the ponderous question. Now, any normal person would think that there is some cargo entrance to the mall that could get any big equipment into the mall, not just a car. However, I am not normal and you asked me this question, so I will give you my answer. For this question, I have 3 possible choices. (1) They take apart the car, then rebuild it in the mall. What better things do these people have to do with their lives? See their families? Enjoy hobbies that do not include things such as mall, car, build, rebuild? Save the Earth from Thanos's destruction? Seems unlikely. (2) They put a car on an empty plot of land, then build the mall around it. Now this seems a little less likely than the last option, but I think it is still plausible. Wanda created an entire town from an empty plot of land, so why can't these mall-car people, too?

(3) Finally, we come to the most reasonable answer: teleportation. And don’t tell me that teleportation doesn’t exist because it obviously does. Have you ever seen a Marvel movie? Loki does it all the time. They wouldn’t make those things up, it’s science fiction (which is just short term for science non-fiction). I think we all know what the obvious answer is, but I will let you all think you are better than me (which you are not) and try to answer this question yourself.)

How do you say I love you without shitting blood?

(This is a hard question for me to answer because I would much rather shit blood than tell anyone that I love them. Love is cringe and needs to go away. Let's make 2023 the year of anti-love!)

Why is salt salty?

(Because it wouldn’t make sense if salt was umami, duh.)

How many acres do I need for a proper homestead?

(However many acres needed to not be able to see any other living person for miles. You want to be able to scream “FUCK” as loud as you want and not have people be concerned about you. )

When my teacher said that work will not be graded, does that hold for that exam I bombed in Feb?

(Yeah, ur chillin.)

What am I going to do with my life?

(Keep living it, I know that this is a satire newspaper and you are expecting a silly little response from me, but I decided to not be a bitch for at least one of these questions. I know that things are looking scary for the future because you don’t know what could happen or how to plan for everything, but that’s the beauty of life. No day will ever be the same, and while some of these days are not fun and exhausting, a lot of these days lead to new possibilities. Possible people you may meet, possible jobs that you may encounter, possible satire newspapers that you find laying on a bench one day and decide to go to a meeting and find that this is one of the best clubs to exist at this silly little school. The possibilities for life are endless and worth living for. So don’t give up and keep pushing for the next day and the day after that because I promise you, life is worth it. Even if you don’t know what to do with your life right now, live for the possibilities that tomorrow may bring.)

Uglyphobic Word of the Week: n. fear of oneself

Are the buses alive? Are they hungry?

(Duh and duh. Remember that fanfic that was in this paper a while back about the buses? That wasn’t fiction, it was non-fiction. We humans are actually living in the Cars™ universe and have always been. So the next time you start driving your car, remember that it’s driving you. The next time you get on a Rutgers bus, remember it just had sex with another Rutgers bus the night before. The next time you hear an ugly car guy with a 0.2 inch dick rev his engine, that’s actually just the mating call of a ugly car with a 0.2 inch exhaust pipe who gets no bitches.)

Do I get a refund?

(For this paper? No– it’s actually worth the $420.69 you pay for it. For that week of classes you missed due to the strike? Yes if you picketted. No if you just daged. (*Editor’s note: Google tried to autocorrect that last sentence to “you are just damaged.”Just wanted to leave that with you :)*)

When’s the last time you jumped?

(Well actually, I last jumped… I don’t remember. How is this possible? There’s no way I can forget the last time I jumped, I mean I definitely had to jump over that puddle the other day but my memory escapes me. The last I remember was that sunny day in ‘09, jumping and smiling on a warm summer’s day. I was so young but so happy. Not anymore. Can I even jump anymore? Can you even jump? What does it mean to jump? Was there ever a reason to jump? What is the meaning of life? How do I move on? IS THERE EVEN A POINT TO THI-

! Oh wait, yeah, no I remember now. I did jump over that puddle. So I guess the last time I jumped was probs Saturday. Whew, that was a close call, I almost had an existential crisis. Welp, toodles!)

Anima Vestra

I Saw the Devil at Rutgers

By Hedonistic Animal Man

Big Tits, Full Hearts, Can't Lose

I Transferred To Bimbo High School and Now Every Boy Wants To Date Me

By Himbo McBimbo

Fruitflies swarm my vision, bleak sights are all around, with or without. Pavement slaps soles, this is the most-walkable campus, and whirring engines compete with songbirds. When I reach the crossroads, red light Glaring, a chill spreads through me, I cannot Go on. Someone calls my name, all gravel: “Stay here, child.” Not a paternal tone at all. Betraying myself, I turn, blood boiling, No face No eyes Black shroud, Smokey haze like a Low-brim hat. My word, such beauty. Not a painting, sublime and wide, but a sharper desire, Starting low and rising high in My body. Like the taste of sugar, the impulse for sleep.

I sold my soul for a ride to class. A gray beamer with big eyes, new-smell so alluring.

I sold my soul for success. Busch lectures be damned, I graduate with two degrees, knowledge at my fingertips, fluent in the ways of Learning. Hard work.

I sold my soul for a lover. Bound to me, she sees nobody else in such bright light, in such rose-color. “I hit the jackpot, boys,” I say. One that pleases and impresses, hard to achieve both these days.

Home for break, my parents smell it out.

Forgive me mother, for I have sinned. My father’s flesh and love, corrupted. Now on I drive, my endless car crushing pavement cross-country. Drink in my veins,

I watch the orange sun set behind Brown dunes.

Not New Jersey, not anywhere else, either.

Flaith WcNottin was lost. It was her first day at Bimbo High School. She couldn't seem to figure out the school map.

“Are you lost?” said a voice. Flaith turned her head up and saw this big titty man standing in front of her. He had these BIG boobs. Flaith started blushing and covered her face with papers to not be flustered by his giant juicy tits.

“Uh…don’t worry, I’ll find-” Flaith couldn't finish before the man grabbed the papers from her and studied them.

“Looks like you’re in my class! I’m Jonah, the class president” he said with a smile. “Lemme walk you to class.” Flaith followed the big juicy tits that bounced with a boing all the way to class. Before he opened the door, Jonah leaned into Flaith’s ear and whispered to her “You shouldn’t cover your face… it’s too pretty for that”.

The door flung open, and the teacher smiled at the two of them.

“Jonah, you brought her!’ Professor Pooh C. turned to the class. “Everyone, this is Flaith! She will be joining our class. Flaith, you can take that seat in the corner”.

Flaith walked over to the seat. Next to her was this man with a voluptuous, bulging ass. He noticed her gaze, and turned to look at her. Flaith saw a dark-haired, handsome boy.

He glared at her, and growled “What do you want?”

“Your……name?” she said blushing. He smirked at her, leaned in, and grabbed her hand.

“Mio. Wanna go out with me?”

Should The Opportunity Arise, Vomit Me Flies How To Recognise Spotted Lanternflies

By Jeff Features

With spotted lanternfly season rapidly approaching, it is important to know how to recognize spotted lanternflies in order to reduce the population of this invasive species as much as possible.

1. Look for their egg masses on trees and other outdoor surfaces, these masses can be obscured by a mud-like substance. Once properly identified, scrape the egg masses into a plastic bag with hand sanitizer, close the bag, and dispose of it properly.

2. When you see a spotted lanternfly while going throughout your day, take a minute to stomp on them and kill a few of them. Remember, one less spotted lanternfly means one less detriment to our beautiful ecosystem and agriculture.

3. If you see a group of spotted lanternflies, loitering around an area and looking up at the ceiling for cameras and recording devices. Call 866-4-SAFE-NJ to report the spotted lanternflies for suspected terrorism.

4. If you see a group of spotted lanternflies in a trenchcoat and they all claim to be a human named “Tony”, remember that this is a classic front for the lanternfly mafia and to not make an anonymous tip to your local police, as they receive hush money from them.

5. If you see a group of spotted lanternflies hoarding weapons, chemicals, or other destructive materials, make an anonymous tip to the FBI.

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What A Long Strange Trip It Has Been

THE FINAL UPDATE FROM THE ALBANY SWEATHOGS

Correctional Facility. The problem is that the prison went into lockdown after one of our cornerbacks stabbed the other cornerback. Our roster shrunk again when our quarterback Rusty Kuntz Jr. came down with a torn ACL. The bright side, though, is that our backup quarterback, Cunny Linguist, really stepped up to the plate and proved that he earned his $150 dollar salary (I told you, the budget has been tight).

BY: DOGMEAT JONES

Friends, I have some bad news. If you have not been following this page, in the past couple of months, I entered the world of sports ownership with my founding of The Albany Sweathogs, the newest team in the United States Football League. The ten-week-old organization has faced our fair share of difficulties, with the

city of Albany condemning the team’s home, Waffle House Stadium. Apparently, removing the roof of an abandoned roller derby rink to add bleacher seats makes the building unstable and “unsafe for people to be in.” I thought I would save money on the salary cap by having the entire defensive line made up of men currently incarcerated at The Coxsackie

So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

Why They Should Bring Back The Seattle Supersonics

By: Rained on Basketball fans

The NBA is getting more teams; at least, I hope so. The discussion comes around every five years or so, and it has started once again. I shall take this opportunity to ask for the NBA to correct the worst mistake that they made this century. That, of course, is the injustice of not having The Seattle Supersonics.

It has been a long, cold 15 years since professional men’s basketball left Emerald City, and nothing has been right ever since. It is only logical that The Sonics should return unless you have lived underground for the past 70 years, or maybe you just don’t follow basketball or sports (since that is also possible). So, for the benefit of some of the audience, here are just some of the reasons why The Seattle Supersonics should be one of the new expansion teams:

1. They moved The Sonics to Oklahoma City, which is in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. Oklahoma is an abandoned gas station of a state; the entire place only has a population of about 4 million, which is the same amount of people that are in the Seattle metro area.Seattle’s population is growing at a rate of 1% a year, and the average person in Seattle is 35 years old, which is the perfect age for NBA fandom.

2. Seattle currently has an MLB team, an NFL team, and an NHL team. The only professional team that is missing is an NBA team. The ghost of The Sonics still haunts the city, so it would be wonderful if Seattle became whole once again.

3. The Supersonics' colors were green and gold which went fucking hard, and their uniforms were the cleanest shit in the NBA. Their color scheme and uniforms are still popular after all these years.

4. The Supersonics were mentioned in Ice Cube’s classic, “Today Was a Good Day.” The NBA wouldn’t want to make Ice Cube a liar now, would they?

I truly believed that we were fully prepared for our home opener against The Pittsburgh Maulers on April 16th. The problem was that the 16th came and went, and the Maulers never showed up to our temporary home stadium in the field across the street from our condemned arena. It turns out that the Maulers were instead in Canton, Ohio, losing to the New Orleans Breakers. It also turns out that The Sweathogs were never a part of the USFL, and the person I was talking to that I

thought was a representative of the league was instead an Iowa paper salesman who was fucking with me. This is seriously concerning because I was counting on the ticket sales to make up for the massive amount of fraud that I have committed to create and run the team. There are so many investors that will not get their money back. There are countless uniform and merch manufacturers whose invoices will not be paid. The only way that I could avoid federal prison was going on the run. I was 30 minutes away from broadening a plane to Havana when I was surrounded by U.S. Marshalls and taken into custody. I suspect that the Music Editor ratted me out because he wants my page. So now, I am currently boarding with the warden in a federal prison in Kansas. I guess that this is goodbye. Goodbye, sports fans... I hope you liked my page.

The NBA Playoffs: By The Numbers

30 Games Played (on 4/24)

8 Teams in Each Conference

1

Sweep (Suck It, Nets)

4 Rounds of Playoffs

6703 Points

525,041

People in Sacramento Rooting for The Kings

Welp, my time as a team owner has come to an end, now I am a federal