Uglyphobic Word of the Week: n. fear of oneself

Are the buses alive? Are they hungry?

(Duh and duh. Remember that fanfic that was in this paper a while back about the buses? That wasn’t fiction, it was non-fiction. We humans are actually living in the Cars™ universe and have always been. So the next time you start driving your car, remember that it’s driving you. The next time you get on a Rutgers bus, remember it just had sex with another Rutgers bus the night before. The next time you hear an ugly car guy with a 0.2 inch dick rev his engine, that’s actually just the mating call of a ugly car with a 0.2 inch exhaust pipe who gets no bitches.)

Do I get a refund?

(For this paper? No– it’s actually worth the $420.69 you pay for it. For that week of classes you missed due to the strike? Yes if you picketted. No if you just daged. (*Editor’s note: Google tried to autocorrect that last sentence to “you are just damaged.”Just wanted to leave that with you :)*)

When’s the last time you jumped?

(Well actually, I last jumped… I don’t remember. How is this possible? There’s no way I can forget the last time I jumped, I mean I definitely had to jump over that puddle the other day but my memory escapes me. The last I remember was that sunny day in ‘09, jumping and smiling on a warm summer’s day. I was so young but so happy. Not anymore. Can I even jump anymore? Can you even jump? What does it mean to jump? Was there ever a reason to jump? What is the meaning of life? How do I move on? IS THERE EVEN A POINT TO THI-

! Oh wait, yeah, no I remember now. I did jump over that puddle. So I guess the last time I jumped was probs Saturday. Whew, that was a close call, I almost had an existential crisis. Welp, toodles!)

Anima Vestra

I Saw the Devil at Rutgers

By Hedonistic Animal Man

Big Tits, Full Hearts, Can't Lose

I Transferred To Bimbo High School and Now Every Boy Wants To Date Me

By Himbo McBimbo

Fruitflies swarm my vision, bleak sights are all around, with or without. Pavement slaps soles, this is the most-walkable campus, and whirring engines compete with songbirds. When I reach the crossroads, red light Glaring, a chill spreads through me, I cannot Go on. Someone calls my name, all gravel: “Stay here, child.” Not a paternal tone at all. Betraying myself, I turn, blood boiling, No face No eyes Black shroud, Smokey haze like a Low-brim hat. My word, such beauty. Not a painting, sublime and wide, but a sharper desire, Starting low and rising high in My body. Like the taste of sugar, the impulse for sleep.

I sold my soul for a ride to class. A gray beamer with big eyes, new-smell so alluring.

I sold my soul for success. Busch lectures be damned, I graduate with two degrees, knowledge at my fingertips, fluent in the ways of Learning. Hard work.

I sold my soul for a lover. Bound to me, she sees nobody else in such bright light, in such rose-color. “I hit the jackpot, boys,” I say. One that pleases and impresses, hard to achieve both these days.

Home for break, my parents smell it out.

Forgive me mother, for I have sinned. My father’s flesh and love, corrupted. Now on I drive, my endless car crushing pavement cross-country. Drink in my veins,

I watch the orange sun set behind Brown dunes.

Not New Jersey, not anywhere else, either.

Flaith WcNottin was lost. It was her first day at Bimbo High School. She couldn't seem to figure out the school map.

“Are you lost?” said a voice. Flaith turned her head up and saw this big titty man standing in front of her. He had these BIG boobs. Flaith started blushing and covered her face with papers to not be flustered by his giant juicy tits.

“Uh…don’t worry, I’ll find-” Flaith couldn't finish before the man grabbed the papers from her and studied them.

“Looks like you’re in my class! I’m Jonah, the class president” he said with a smile. “Lemme walk you to class.” Flaith followed the big juicy tits that bounced with a boing all the way to class. Before he opened the door, Jonah leaned into Flaith’s ear and whispered to her “You shouldn’t cover your face… it’s too pretty for that”.

The door flung open, and the teacher smiled at the two of them.

“Jonah, you brought her!’ Professor Pooh C. turned to the class. “Everyone, this is Flaith! She will be joining our class. Flaith, you can take that seat in the corner”.

Flaith walked over to the seat. Next to her was this man with a voluptuous, bulging ass. He noticed her gaze, and turned to look at her. Flaith saw a dark-haired, handsome boy.

He glared at her, and growled “What do you want?”

“Your……name?” she said blushing. He smirked at her, leaned in, and grabbed her hand.

“Mio. Wanna go out with me?”

Should The Opportunity Arise, Vomit Me Flies How To Recognise Spotted Lanternflies

By Jeff Features

With spotted lanternfly season rapidly approaching, it is important to know how to recognize spotted lanternflies in order to reduce the population of this invasive species as much as possible.

1. Look for their egg masses on trees and other outdoor surfaces, these masses can be obscured by a mud-like substance. Once properly identified, scrape the egg masses into a plastic bag with hand sanitizer, close the bag, and dispose of it properly.

2. When you see a spotted lanternfly while going throughout your day, take a minute to stomp on them and kill a few of them. Remember, one less spotted lanternfly means one less detriment to our beautiful ecosystem and agriculture.

3. If you see a group of spotted lanternflies, loitering around an area and looking up at the ceiling for cameras and recording devices. Call 866-4-SAFE-NJ to report the spotted lanternflies for suspected terrorism.

4. If you see a group of spotted lanternflies in a trenchcoat and they all claim to be a human named “Tony”, remember that this is a classic front for the lanternfly mafia and to not make an anonymous tip to your local police, as they receive hush money from them.

5. If you see a group of spotted lanternflies hoarding weapons, chemicals, or other destructive materials, make an anonymous tip to the FBI.