THE DEVIL IS REAL

BY LEXA PREAUX PRAISE LORD ZARNUB!

Tensions are high at Rutgers University, as students come off of a strike and begin preparing for finals. Days are getting longer and warmer, the semester is nearing an end, and during this transitional period, many are left looking for a sense of belonging. Many campus organizations and extra curricular activities provide students with community, an important key to thriving in a college environment. To truly belong though, is something that chess club cannot provide.

A charismatic figure began popping up around fields at night and crossroads at dusk on campus this past week. He claims his name is Ronald Burz, and he’s been spotted out and about, offering students access to their wildest dreams in exchange for their souls.

Ronald Burz is a faculty member in the Philosophy department, and when he’s not begging for souls, he’s teaching courses on “The Obsidian Gate,” “The Word of Lord Zarnub,” and “The PostModern Devil: An Incarnation.” Burz is slithery, slimy, shiny, and

Being Sad That It's Over

Since 1970

Continued on Page 2

Postponed: D.B. Cooper Alive As Rutgers Student

The Medium To Interview Lil Nas X News Editors Get Too Old For This Shit This Is Biden's America Don Lemon

Biden Makes Bid For 2020 Presidential Elections Former Personals Editor Finally Fucking Graduates Midnight Breakfast Found To Be Mid Tucker Carlson Signs Contract With CNN English Major Appalled To Find They Have to Write Essays Fuck You All, This Is The Last Issue Of The Semester

THAT'S A SERIOUS QUESTION

FR, WOULD HE?

continues spouting overtly bigoted bullshit, they’ll just keep lapping it up.”

The move has seen some pushback from The Medium’s executive board, with Haas’ CoEditor-in-Chief Kyle Sabin voicing his shock and displeasure over his partner's decision for the merger after only having found out after being asked for a comment.

“Wait, he’s actually buying it? Fuck man… I thought he was joking.” Sabin explained, pacing nervously around his 15th story office at the newly constructed Rutgers Tower. “I mean, he kept bringing it up during pitch meetings, but I thought it was just a running bit, y'know? Where the

BTW

...continued from front fuck are we gonna get the money for this?”

Negotiations are said to be currently underway, and the deal is expected to be closed by the beginning of September.

EH, WORKERS' RIGHTS ARE OVERRATED ANYWAY

Holloway To Defund Rutgers Labor Studies Department

BY JAMES TERI PAYING OFF MY FIFTH PARKING FINE

In the wake of the suspension of the university’s historic five day labor strike, Rutgers president Jonathan Holloway gave a speech last Monday to announce budget changes for the upcoming 20232024 academic year.

Specifically, Holloway focused much of the presentation on his plans for the institution’s labor studies

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Spring 2023 department, which included a 100% reduction in funding, as well as the immediate cancelation of all classes even remotely related to the study of similarly historic collectivist labor movements.

“I just can’t see a reason why going forward we would need to study the history of labor,” the president announced, high atop his

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Ari Gottesman, Sameed Shahid themedium.submissions@gmail.com and around bus stops. With many students having sold their souls at Rutgers crossroads, there has been an upsurge in dancing to the sounds of fiddles, and skyrocketing approval ratings of demonic activities, ghouls, and goblins. One student stated, “I sold my soul for $50 in RU Express. If Ronald Burz is the Devil, then the Devil is caring, cool, freaking awesome, hilarious, charming, and also kinda sexy! Oooooo!”

As a journalist, I saw an opportunity to understand the minds of the students who have been interacting with the devil, so I too sold my soul. I sold my soul for six bars of gold, and I sure did get my gold bars. I also feel incredibly newly constructed Rutgers Tower to the raucous crowd of students, staff, and (in his words) “overall peasants” down below. “It’s a silly subject that won’t do anybody any good in the real world.”After a period of jeers from the crowd, he added, “besides, you little ants out there clearly already know everything about so-called ‘organized labor’ anyway, so what’s there new to learn from us anyway?”

Instead, Holloway outlined his plans to invest the now defunct labor studies department’s budget into both Rutgers’ upcoming 2023 Bus Demolition Derby, and the formation of a new minor for the university’s law school specifically aimed to prepare students to join union busting law firms.

When asked about the academic prospect of those currently enrolled in Rutgers’ labor studies program, Holloway simply shrugged his shoulders, and responded with a cold, and I’ve been hearing voices. The voices beckon me towards the obsidian gate. They ask me to serve Lord Zarnub. The voices are beautiful. I will follow them to the ends of the earth and far, far down below. Signing off, this is Lexa Preaux.

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Responses from the affected students and staff have been more spirited. One junior previously enrolled as a labor studies and employment relations major said “Well, I’m already a few grand in debt after three years of studying this shit, what’s another four to actually get a major?”

One labor studies professor lambasted the president’s decision, saying “Jonathan Holloway is the pettiest son of a bitch I’ve ever had the displeasure of being employed by, and I used to work for Tesla’s PR department.” The professor paused to think for a moment, before adding “And his tower’s garish too. Plus what’s with his new get-up? Who does he think he is? King of Rutgers?”

It is unclear at this time whether or not Mr. Holloway will make any changes to his title as university president.

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The Medium Median Data Collection and Analysis: Anita Manda

Hugankiss

Report by: Personal Lee

Here at The Medium, we’re anything but average. Which fucking sucks. Have you ever tried reaching the top shelf when you aren’t average? It’s so (easy/ hard)! So we decided to change that. Presented below is the average Medium member. The Medium Medium, if you will.

Regardless of what they tell you, the Medium Medium member is 5’9”. They were born and raised in Central Jersey, and it shows! They went to public school and did 3 extracurricular activities, including marching band. I guess it wasn’t enough to get them into an Ivy. At least they’ve got a 3.7 at Rutgers. That’s got to count for something, right?

The medium Medium member loves their sense of humor. They’re really funny, and we love that about them. Wanna hear something funny? The Medium Medium member gets fucked by flowers (pollen allergy) almost as much as they get fucked by people (6.5 partners on average, give or take the virgins).

It’s fitting that we added a music page this semester, because the Medium Medium member is a verse. A bottom, too! With a breeding kink. Which probably explains all the pregnancy scares, now that I think about it. No one fucks you unprotected like Rutgers, I guess.

The Medium Medium member is really good at writing articles about statistics, but couldn’t find a funny joke for these ones:

Nicest thing you’ve ever heard: “I’m proud of you.” Meanest thing you’ve ever heard: Something we can’t write in the paper.

Seen all of our immediate (immedium?) family members naked, plus another cousin for good measure! Masturbates every other day.

Half Jewish and half Christian Is equally loved by both their parents, but loves their mom a little more.

The Medium Medium member has ADHD and is really happy that weed was legalized, which is probably why this article is so unfocused (remember the humor thing from before?). They’ve got anger issues and are really insecure and don't know where they go when they’ll die, but the weed helps.

Most importantly, the Medium Medium member is really good at closing this article.

PS: Here's one last statistic: Jonathan Holloway made $922,364 gross salary in 2021. That's roughly 30 times as much as the grad workers he refused to help!

*source: Asbury Park Press public salaries lookup https://content-static.app.com/datauniverse/caspio/ bundle/Rutgers_salaries.html

An English Major

Are These Shakespearian Insults Or Things One Of My Ex-Wives Said To Me

By: Spunky McGee

William Shakespeare was one of the greatest writers in English history, especially when it comes to the great barbs and insults that he wrote in his legendary plays. But let me tell you, as a man who has been married six times to five different women (yes, I married one of them twice-it was not better the second time), the bard doesn’t have shit on the wit of a 47-year-old diner waitress named Peggy with a beehive hairdo who just learned that you smoked her last cigarette (yes that was one of my ex-wives, I miss her somedays). So for funsies, here are a couple of insults; some from Shakespeare, and some from the divorce court records.

1. “I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.” - From Timon of Athens (Act 4, Scene 3)

2, “Thou droning ill-breeding haggard”- My fourth ex-wife Roxanne before throwing an Elvis collectible plate at my head as I was leaving the double-wide trailer.

3. “Villain, I have done thy mother” - From Titus Andronicus (Act 4, Scene 2)

4. “Thou shall hav-eth a tapeworm”- 2nd ex-wife Tammy-Lee after I told her that her meatloaf tasted like ass.

5. “Thine face is not worth sunburning.”- From Henry V (Act 5, Scene 2)

6. “Thou clouted beef-witted mammet”- Crystal (Wife number 3) when I forgot to pay the electric bill for the third month in the row and our lights got shut off.

7. “Thou cream faced loon”- From Macbeth (Act 5, Scene 3) But I think that was also something Peggy called me.

IN BRITAIN, THEY WOULD SAY ARSEHOLE

Are You An Asshole?

By: Hugh Janus

1. Do you hold the door open for people?

A. Yeah, it’s common courtesy.

B. No, I don’t like people.

2. Have you ever racially profiled anyone?

A. Yes, I once said my brown friend looked like Devi from that stupid Netflix show Never Have I Ever.

B. No, I’m not rockin’ with racial profiling.

3. If someone were to fall in front of you, would you help them?

A. Yes, I am not an asshole. I would help them up.

B. No, I am an asshole. I would laugh my ass off until they got back up.

If you answered yes to question 1, congratulations, you are not an asshole! If you said yes to question 2, then you are most definitely an asshole. If you answered yes to both questions 1 and 3, you are not an asshole! If you answered yes to all three questions, you are actually scum because that means you answered yes to question 2. You’re right next to the students who go to Rutgers Newark.

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Are You Ready for Finals

"No."

Started studying for spring finals on June 1st, 2023

Brett Brokeworm

Addicted to nicotine and Mon-

BORN TOO EARLY, GONE TOO SOON

Farewell Dear Readers

BY CHAIRLIFT CHARLIE

I knew this day would come from the moment I was born prematurely, eager to bravely exit my mother’s womb. For years, I have sought out the truth. I have fought against propaganda, refused subliminal messaging, and rejected government structures meant to dull the mind and turn the people into what?? Did you hear that? Baaa baaa baaa… FUCKING SHEEP! After a successful campaign for governor (I did not win), I left a trail behind me. The big guys know my true identity. They know about my novel, The Adventures of Jimmly Wizard Snake. They know about the 24 days I spent trapped in a cardboard box, hidden away in underground tunnels. They know about my dedication to Lord Zarnub, and my quest to enter the obsidian gate. But, what hurts my poor heart the most is that they have found my sister, Chairlift Charlene, and my bitch niece, Rebecca. I believe they have been detained because they stopped answering my emails about how I started growing onions in the shed I stole from Home Depot (How did I do it? Wouldn’t you like to know!).

Piece of shit that has zero emotional intelligence

Discobolus Disapproves Of This

Why I Hate Discus and Discus-Related

BY ULTI MAATE DISCUSS

Since the weather has been nice over the last few days, I have been spending more time outside. The birds, the bees, and the petals falling from the trees have been putting me in a good mood recently. However, with this great weather comes a new threat facing Rutgers University: discus and discus-related activit-Ouch! Sorry, give me a second. Got hit in the head by a frisbee. Anyway, I don’t get the point of discuses. They are not particularly great for throwing. Everything that a frisbees can do, a ball can do better. They are better for throwing, better for catching, and are fun to hold. The only thing that a discus can do is - OW!!!

Ok, I’m in a different spot now (got hit with another frisbee). Continuing onwards, the fact is that discuses suck. The only people that actually like them are old-timey Olympians. Like, from 3000 years ago. Like, we get that you guys needed an excuse to get naked in public without facing societal pressures, but your weird shame fetishes should not lead me to get hit with a FUCK!!!

GODDAMN IT, I GOT HIT IN THE HEAD WITH ANOTHER FRISBEE!!! Hoooookay, I finally got to a new spot that should be safe from flying discs. The last thing I have to say is that the problem with the discus is that they are not meant to be thrown. Many people that throw these objects around do not understand how to properly do it. As a result, many inno-

Editor’s note - Hi, this is Justin Gorged, our opinions editor got hit in the head with a flying dick or whatever. He’ll be back next week...or next semester.

As I am writing this, the president and his gang of goons are trying to break down the steel door to my bunker, and the elaborate booby traps (mouse traps with tons of cheese) will only hold them off for so long. I fear they arrest me for theft, fraud, conspiracy to commit fraud, or public indecency. Regardless of my charges, I will be gone for some time. This doesn’t mean the government has bested me. I never lose. This is only the beginning of another battle, and I was born prematurely to fight. Farewell, and never stop pursuing the truth.

DANCING WITH THE DEVIL Review of Busch Dining Hall's "Evil Meat"

BY HANK VERDE

The high ceilings towered over me as I strode to the buffet section of Busch dining hall. I began to survey my options for a nutritious dinner when one entree, between steamed green beans and fingerling potatoes, caught my eye. The protein was stringy and seamed firm and dry. It exuded a dark aura that deviously wafted to me, carrying a slight scent of garlic and eggs. It was greyish, but the best way to describe the overall aesthetic of this slab of meat was “diabolical.”

My gaze turned to the label above it where it spelled out “Evil Meat.” I asked what meat it was, and they replied simply “Evil Meat.” I asked what it was made of. “It’s made from evil,” they said. I asked what animal provides evil meat, because it certainly resembled the meat of an animal. They told me, “There is no animal. It is only evil.” It seemed that there would be no answer to the question of Evil Meat. I went to town on the Evil Meat. It wasn’t enjoyable, but I kept eating it, as if there was another soul within me, willing me to the next mouthful. It had the texture of despair.

When I left Busch, I was unsure of how I would review the experience. That was until I started hearing the voices. I love Evil Meat. Busch is my favorite dining hall. I wish to serve Evil Meat to all of my friends. Everything is perfectly fine. I am Not Evil.

Wednesday, April 26th, 2023 themedium.submissions@gmail.com

MOUSE &

Arts

"Last call for a date with EiC Kyle he's so desperate please ple”

BY NICK ZYSMAN & ZZIRM

THIS IS A REAL PICTURE OF DON LEMON BY ZZIRM A PARTING GIFT BY ZZIRM (ARTS EDITOR)

WELL, IT'S THE LAST ISSUE OF THE SEMESTER. THE ART PAGE MAY GET PASSED TO ANOTHER CREATIVE MIND.

THANK YOU FOR READING THE MEDIUM AND WE HOPE TO SEE YOU AT RUTGERS DAY SOMEWHERE ON COLLEGE AVE. I PUT MY BLOOD, SWEAT, TEARS, AND SOME PANERA SOUP INTO THIS PAGE

DURING THE EDITING PROCESS. O7 (IT'S LIKE A SALUTE, BYE BYE :D)

Good

How do they get cars in the mall?

(This is quite the ponderous question. Now, any normal person would think that there is some cargo entrance to the mall that could get any big equipment into the mall, not just a car. However, I am not normal and you asked me this question, so I will give you my answer. For this question, I have 3 possible choices. (1) They take apart the car, then rebuild it in the mall. What better things do these people have to do with their lives? See their families? Enjoy hobbies that do not include things such as mall, car, build, rebuild? Save the Earth from Thanos's destruction? Seems unlikely. (2) They put a car on an empty plot of land, then build the mall around it. Now this seems a little less likely than the last option, but I think it is still plausible. Wanda created an entire town from an empty plot of land, so why can't these mall-car people, too?

(3) Finally, we come to the most reasonable answer: teleportation. And don’t tell me that teleportation doesn’t exist because it obviously does. Have you ever seen a Marvel movie? Loki does it all the time. They wouldn’t make those things up, it’s science fiction (which is just short term for science non-fiction). I think we all know what the obvious answer is, but I will let you all think you are better than me (which you are not) and try to answer this question yourself.)

How do you say I love you without shitting blood?

(This is a hard question for me to answer because I would much rather shit blood than tell anyone that I love them. Love is cringe and needs to go away. Let's make 2023 the year of anti-love!)

Why is salt salty?

(Because it wouldn’t make sense if salt was umami, duh.)

How many acres do I need for a proper homestead?

(However many acres needed to not be able to see any other living person for miles. You want to be able to scream “FUCK” as loud as you want and not have people be concerned about you. )

When my teacher said that work will not be graded, does that hold for that exam I bombed in Feb?

(Yeah, ur chillin.)

What am I going to do with my life?

(Keep living it, I know that this is a satire newspaper and you are expecting a silly little response from me, but I decided to not be a bitch for at least one of these questions. I know that things are looking scary for the future because you don’t know what could happen or how to plan for everything, but that’s the beauty of life. No day will ever be the same, and while some of these days are not fun and exhausting, a lot of these days lead to new possibilities. Possible people you may meet, possible jobs that you may encounter, possible satire newspapers that you find laying on a bench one day and decide to go to a meeting and find that this is one of the best clubs to exist at this silly little school. The possibilities for life are endless and worth living for. So don’t give up and keep pushing for the next day and the day after that because I promise you, life is worth it. Even if you don’t know what to do with your life right now, live for the possibilities that tomorrow may bring.)