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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly Volume IXXX - Issue I
ESTABLISHED 1779 BCE
www.themedium.net
$42.42
Wednesday, January 30th, 2008
New Study: Fraternity Parties May Be Crowded. Cal En Staff Writer
NEW BRUNSWICK- A special taskforce, commissioned by the University to determine various aspects of students’ recreational activities has discovered that several preconceptions about fraternity parties are incorrect. Most notably, they are much more crowded than the “barren, empty wasteland” the taskforce hypothesized. “We went into these parties expecting one or two people, tops,” said taskforce lead Reuban Goldman, “but the results proved otherwise.” This is actually quite an understatement, as anyone that reads the report can clearly see. In fact parties tend to be so crowded that there is no room for formal dancing technique, and dancers are forced to dance so close together, that
RUSA Condemns all Bad Things Cal En Staff Writer
In the aftermath of the cemetery incident, in which RUSA condemned the vandalism of the graves, life has improved for most people in many ways. All anti-Jew prejudice immediately dissipated and the broken tombstones were pieced together by themselves as if by invisible hands.
it could be viewed as perverse. Also, as a result of the crowdedness of said parties, there tend to be several means that party organizers use to cut down on party density. For example, they institute a ratio of females to males, to ensure that there is not an overwhelming majority of either sex. Sometimes, a cover charge is used in lieu of a ratio, so that fraternities may fund their next party. Another startling find was that not is alcohol served at these parties, it is served to people without identification being shown to prove that they were above the age of twentyone, the current legal drinking age. Apparently bar-tenders were using the honor system which, while admirable of them, shows how naive these people can truly be.
Not all is well, unfortunately, as many other things still plagued the Rutgers community and the world as a whole. However, RUSA corrected their initial mistake of curing only a specific ill and leaving all the other Bad Things out. “Sure some skinheads were immediately struck down, their howling souls being torn asunder, and then devoured by the Prince of Darkness,” said RUSA recording secretary Kathryn Jenkins, a Douglass College student, “but murderers, thieves, and rap-
Several revellers enjoying themselves good wholesome fun at a fraternity party. One wonders how such a picture was taken when fraternity ceilings are two fucking feet tall.
ists still roam the streets unchecked.” This all changed Tuesday, when RUSA passed a measure that condemns, harshly, all things that “aren’t nice, hurt or harm, or are generally Bad.” This immediately caused every last thing that is mildly uncomfortable to disappear in a gigantic plume of smoke. Now life is peachy and happy for everyone on Earth. Instead of death and poison, the world is filled with life and candy. Candy for everybody.
The scene at the ground of Sudanese capital Khartoum after all Bad Things were eradicaded from Earth.
“All the News That’s Something Something Something”
THE MEDIUM
US & WORLD NEWS “The apple is the chicken of the fruit world.”
Wednesday, January 30th, 2008
Officials: Still “Too Soon” To Leave Facebook Groups Supporting Virginia Tech. Louis N. Caggiano Contributing Writer
Last Monday an official administrator confirmed that it’s still too early for Facebook users to leave groups that support the Virginia Tech Massacre, an event that occurred almost a year ago. While there doesn’t seem to be any day set in stone for when it will be okay, officials are conscious of the student’s needs to leave these groups. “We understand that over a thousand students have vigorously been supporting Virginia Tech for the past ten months by quickly joining Facebook groups, we understand they’re tired of all the hard work, but it would be in bad taste to walk out now,” stated an official. Students are lashing out, believing that its
okay now to leave such an old news story. “I’ve been in that support group since the day it was created. What else do you want from me families and victims of Virginia Tech? Its just too much work. And besides, I just added a “Fluff Friend” so I want to trim down on my groups,” argued a Rutgers Facebook user. In addition, the public main-feed is no help to Facebookers who have gone against the guidance of the administrators and left the groups anyway. Sophomore Ryan declared, “I felt guilty looking on the main feed and seeing ‘Ryan has left the group RU Supports VT,’ but I just couldn’t handle it anymore, it was too much pressure to support. I wish the officials would deem it in “okay” to leave the groups.” The news comes at
a bad time for many college Facebook users, with so many fun and new applications now, there just doesn’t seem to be any room left for a group that was created ten months ago. “I joined the group, ‘I’m A dIrtY HoE n’ i LoVe iT’ around the same time I joined ‘RU Supports VT’ and I left that group so long ago. It just seems unfair that I still can’t leave the VT group, after all I’ve done!” commented a Junior Communications major. Many students just don’t have room for it on their page anymore. Senior Katie likes to keep her groups to an even twenty maximum, and when her friend created the new group “That’s Right! I Still Love Hanson!”, it put Katie in a tough situation. Besides not having enough space, one has to wonder how much longer Rutgers students can
Apple Introduces Chicken MACTM Nuggets Nigs McFinkleton Staff Writer
Steve Jobs recently unveiled his latest, and definitely greatest invention. He claimed the invention is greater than Penicillin, the Wheel, and sliced bread all rolled into one. This new innovation in food eating technology is projected by most tech analysts to change the face of the world for centuries to come. The brand new MACTM Nuggets were unveiled to much fanfare and claims that Steve Jobs was the next coming of Christ. The nuggets play both video and music and are fully iPod com-
patible. Also, the Nuggets can connect to your iPod and be broken down into electronic surges to be saved on your iPod which stimulate your taste buds. Anyone who expressed doubts at the ceremony about the safety and authenticity of such a product was swiftly taken to the front, shot, and burned in a steel drum to give warmth to homeless peoples. The Nuggets are projected to be priced at $499 for the 4 byte meal and $699 for the 8 byte meal which includes rewritable Nuggets. Additional Nuggets can be purchased on iTunes for $1. People in third world countries
World News Features Opinions Arts Personals Personals Whats Shakin’
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Cover by: Crazy Man
Dead Sea Tel Aviv Jerusalem Mental Hospital
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor Features Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
section, but for the past few months now the page has been dead,” commented Ryan. While official administrators on the subject matter have heard the complaints from the Rutgers Facebook users, it still doesn’t look good. If history is any indication it’s still a long, dark tunnel. Just finally, a year and a half ago, officials declared it okay to leave the support groups for the Oklahoma City Bombing. Likewise, only two years ago, it was no longer declared in bad taste to leave the group, “RIP Terri Schiavo!”
Ron Paul Found to be Fictitious Mojo Morrison Staff Writer
Early this morning a Medium staffer stole documents from the Associated Press that contained damning information about the beloved Republican candidacy nominee; Ron Paul. Thought to be a child of a wealthy burgeoning sailboat maker, it turns out that Ron Paul is actually comprised of a sequence of binary code. Scientific examination has determined that the random spam messages floating around myspace. com coalesced into the figure we know and love as Ron Paul. Scientists have de-
can purchase them online and receive them instantly, the only caveat that the mighty Steve Jobicus requires is that one purchases an iPhone, subscription fee to iTunes, a $6,000 activation fee, and a $35,000 installation fee for the tubing required to transport the Nugget formula. Any people at the ceremony questioning the ethics involved in charging large amounts of money to impoverished farmers was, again, taken out front, shot, WEATHER OR NOT and burned in a steel drum; Fucking Today though this time Sucking Tonight it was to keep cute, adorable Thursday homeless kitShiny tens warm. Shuriken
CONTENTS
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continue to support the families and victims of Virginia Tech with such relentless demands. The students need a rest from all their supporting and its a shame that officials don’t see that. Along with the endless days of support, students are also noticing a decrease in updates to these groups, a symptom that only adds to students wishing to drop it. Many believe that its dead weight now and that VT should move on. “When the attacks first happened I joined a group immediately the next day, and believe me that thing was poppin’, I even wrote lyrics from a Staind song on the comment
Ryan Barton Paul Winters Gary Klimowicz Chris Bielak Kah-Lai Colin Fong Timothy Swanson Al P. Barbara Reed
termined that all the emofaggot shit generated in blogs and youtube music videos acted as a catalyst for the libertarian aspect of the now defunct Ron Paul apparatus. The Republican aspect was formed from the collective void left by John McCain’s followers. How were we fooled into thinking he was real? Was it merely our need for a divine candidate for presidency or was it something more? Sadly, though he was a compilation of a 256 code sequence, memorial services will be held in the James and Patterson mortuary at 5pm off of Livingston on January 31st.
Friday The quicker picker upper.
?
Personals Editors Ryan Barton Agent Orange Photographer Louie Cheng What’s Shakin’ Editor Paul Winters Online Editor Sarena Mamlock Advertising Manager Gary Klimowicz Staff Artist Al P. Senior Editor Helen Ortiz
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The office of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to email spam names like Adrian Fuckstick Collosal, Colin Dick Ginormous, and Harry Manback.
Wednesday, January 30st, 2008
FEATURES
“The section of all the miscellaneous things and rejects from other sections.”
WE’RE SERIOUS ABOUT THIS, NO REALLY, WE ARE! BY MAXIMUS VAGINUS INSERTUS SUPREMUS
Whenever I bring up the topic of this very prestigious Entertainment weekly of Rutgers University (disagree with the prestige of The Medium, well fuck you), I hear so many people say how they would love to write a few personals, or spew some rants on how they hate that stupid sorostitute on the EE bus. Well, if that is the case, then why not write it down and submit it to us. Really, you can do that. We only advertise for you to send submissions or come to meetings on every other page, and we go to springfest and both of the involvement fairs, and we even had a submission contest where we gave away $300.00 worth of porn (yes the contest was real, we even had a picture of one of our very sexy editors [they are all sexy, come over and take a look for yourselves] holding the basket when we first announced it, and we even had a pictrure of the winner holding his prize when we announced the end of it. Hell, I was there when we voted on the winner. In fact the main topic of the news section originally came to The Medium because of the contest. The lesson here is that all of our contests are real and not made up, try it yourselves.) We, the editors, want people submitting stuff, because when people submit than A) the humor has much more variety, B) We the editors do less work, and C) send a submission to find out. Or better yet, come to a meeting on Wednesday, at the Livingston student center room 113 at 9:15 PM. We like it when people come, and we will accept any submission and will accept any member. We are not picky. Seriously, the guy we elected to run the Opinions page ran away to Israel, and last year the guy elected to be business manager (the person who handles our money) dropped out and became a janitor. Our standards for members are not that high. Seriously, I am a editor, and I am a freshman. I have only been around for one semester and I am already an editor. Now what does that tell you. So if you want to write stuff, come join us, or
email in a submission. However, if you do send a submission we ask you to at least do it right. Here’s how it goes. Heard some news, did the local squirrel terrorists hijack a tree, did first lady Bush shave Busch, then send in an article to NEWS@THEMEDIUM.NET, and on the next Wednesday, you should see it on the first two pages. Pissed off at the Stadium expansion, or just have an opinion or rant to spew out. Then send a submission to OPINIONS@THEMEDIUM. NET. If your opinion or rant is just a mere sentence or two, or if it a personal, then send it to PERSONALS@THEMEDIUM. NET (duh). If you made a drawing or two, or have ideas for art then send send it to ARTS@THEMEDIUM. NET. And finally, if you have something that does not fit into any of the above catagories or is just plain miscellaneous, such as a how to guide to tantilizing introvertable sex, or a list of monkey groups on facebook, then send it over to me at FEATURES@THEMEDIUM. NET. Follow the instructions above, and your article is gauranteed to be in the next issue. Or better yet come and join us, and if we have our stash of Tshirts on hand, you can get a free one (we have up to four different types), provided you can supply us with a personal for each one. As I stated before, we will take just about anything and everything and anyone (just do not send in anything blatantly hateful that is not funny, save that for the Centurion. And we do accept real names, but it is cooler if you make up a whacky penname, however Maximus Vaginus Insertus Supremus is my real name) just email us or visit us on Wednesday, at the Livingston Student Center room 113 at 9:15 PM. We want you coming, in, if at least to prove that we are not all that crazy and there are others like us ot there. Really there are others like us out there, and I am refering to you the reader. Now get your asses over here!
Editors note. Still don’t believe me, then come to room 113 at the Livingston Student Center on Wednesdays at 9:15 PM , or Email me at FEATUURES@THEMEDIUM. NET.
THE MEDIUM
Just What Did Happen to Dr. Plonohue? As you all should know, the worldy Dr. Laul G. Plonohue, the caveman who knew the answers to all of the most bizarre sex questions on Earth, has gone missing. This is very startling and troubling, being that we do not have the knowledgeable Doctor around to answer that question. Theories are abound, and without him to answer these theories then they will be bouncing around all over the place. This here section is one of them. The following are all of the unfounded theories, and we do not know which are true and which are false. But you know, wouldn’t it be cool if...
1) He drowned while investigating Mermaid sex because rabid pihrannas clogged shredded his oxygen tube. 2) He had his Achilles heel bitten off by a venus fly trap while observing a plant orgy. 3) He is hibernating over discovering the most awesome, exhilirating, and fabulous discovery of the discover that is so burgeoning wit-
Continued on Page 9... A review of everything that the Rutgers Review has to offer to you, the intelligent and awesome Medium reader, all in just this one box.
Now wasn’t this review of the Review useful. Then again, did you the intelligent and awesome reader of the Medium know what the Review is to begin with. If you were fortunate enough, then no, you wouldn’t have. We at The Medium on the other hand...
THE CAPTIONS CONTEST IS BACK!!! Hello Readers, and welcome to the first caption contest of the semester. Last year we tried this out, but very few submissions came in (hey Gary, you still enjoying your free T-shirts?) so it got scrapped. Well, I am going to start this again. This is like a submissions contest. Every week I will put down a picture, and you the readers can submit captions to go along with the picture. The person who has the best caption wins a free tshirt. Just send me an email at FEATURES@THEMEDIUM. NET with your caption and I will place the winner of the latest caption in next week’s article, along with the new picture. All you have to do is give me a submission and then come to a meeting to claim your free T-shirt. Don’t believe that I am telling the truth. <<< Then read this fool.
This week’s caption contest shall be a little different. The theme is NAME THIS POLITICIAN.
THE MEDIUM
OPINIONS “Sergio Fuckstick Significant”
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Zombie Birds Would Fucking Kill Everything By: Adrian Fuckstick Colossal Think of it, will you? A bird swoops near your car and you almost hit it. You get startled, but go on with your driving. Then you hear something on the roof of your car. All the sudden a whole gaggle of zombie geese are ripping your car apart. That would be so fucking crazy. You see the thing about zombies is their lim-
ited mobility. Zombies should really use a Rascal Scooter to get around better. But imagine a FLYING zombie! Can you picture woody fucking woodpecker, pecking out your brains? HA-ha-ha-ha-ha...brains... I’m afraid of plain old regular ostriches. Give them the power of undeadness and fuggetaboutit. I rest my case.
No, Alien Birds Would Fucking Kill Everything
By: Agent Orange
If you haven’t seen any of the Alien films, you at least have a general notion that these motherfuckers are fast and can run on ceilings and walls. They kill you just because they can, not because they’re hungry and they want a nibble of your brain. And that’s if you’re lucky; you can end up incubating little Alien babies in your gullet. And you think that’s the worst of it. Imagine these things with wings and pointy beaks- with another beak one inside, like a de-
Wednesday, January 30th, 2008
mented nesting doll waiting to pluck your eyes out. FLYING AFTER YOU. Did I mention they have wings? Try cutting them off, come on, do it, you won’t. That’s because they’ve got fucking ACID BLOOD. You’re dead. Unless you’re just knocked out and ready to have Alien Bird eggs shoved down your throat. In front of a giant queen who probably resembles a T-Rex with wings. Even Ellen Ripley’s clone couldn’t save you.
DO YOU HAVE SOME FUCKING OPINIONS? Then send them to me at opinions@themedium. net Likewise, come attend one of our meetings. I don’t know where it is, but I’m sure the other editors were ambitious enough to print it on their pages. Also, I’ve got a shitload of work to do and I need an assistant this semester. If you get the position, you’ll help choose what goes into the paper, help me argue to the point of violence with the other editors, and help bother the people outside the room where we write the paper. If you’re into journalism, you can also put that you worked with our newspaper on your resume. Anyone interested email me at opinoins@themedium. net
Rutgers Rant: The Stadium Expansion Blues Ok, seriously, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU!!! Can you think? Can you add 2 + 2? How fucking absolutely motherfuckingly so goddamned extremely, highly and fully retarded are all of you! It’s a fucking stadium!!! It’s not a hospital, or a police station, it is a place where a person will throw a ball, another person will catch it and 10,000 drunk students will go “YAYYYY YYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” We have so many financial problems at this University and here goes good ol’ Dick McCormick wanting to spend 60 kajillion dollars so 20 more people will be able to fit inside the stadium. Then, the people wanting to get the stadium expanded try to justify it by saying: “Oh, well, the ticket sales will eventually generate profit for the University.” Got a news flash for ya’ dickheads: Once Ray Rice goes off to the NFL,
the Scarlet Knights will go down the shitter and no one will want to buy scarlet knight tickets, so then we’ll be left with an empty, but expanded, stadium, and not to mention we’ll still have 75% of our classes cut and only 5 Professors left to teach the remaining courses. Hey, I got a very novel idea to save enough money to restore all the cut classes and fix our budget deficit. DON’T SPEND 102 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS TO EXPAND THE RETARDED STADIUM!!!
Editor’s Note: Honestly, I think the best thing we could do would be to fill the stadium with water and put fish inside. Everyone loves aquariums. Everyone.
Do you give a flying fuck where your tuition dollars go? Come to the meeting tonight at 9.15pm in room 113 of the Livingston Student Center to see if anyone else cares.
This Week in Politics predictions Democrats are Doing Something, Perhaps, I Think Each week I lose more faith that the democrats are going somewhere with this. Every primary puts me in a false state of security, then the next one comes up and FUCKING WHAM they turn that shit around. OBAMA HILLARY HILLARY OBAMA FUCK. The pundits were ready to pack their shit up after Obama won the first caucus, but then Hillary won some, and then Obama won again! After a shitstorm about polls and bias, no one knows what to think. At this point, all predictions are essentially guesses. I could sit here flipping a coin for half an hour and give you a prediction accurate within 5% of the actual outcome. Now, whenever either wins, the media assumes the nomination is essentially over, and talks bullshit until the other wins, and the process just keeps going and no one learns anything. Think of it like an obnoxious game of Connect Four, with your annoying friends shouting in the back “UH OH, UH OH. BARACK HAS THREE IN A ROW, I THINK THIS GAME IS OVER”... “OH SHIT, HILLARY JUST BLOCKED HIM”. Except that’s our political system.
Republicans likely to Nominate John McCain
Haha, sucks for you, faggots!
Wednesday, January 30th, 2007
ARTS “ Cats ate her face.”
COLLEGE AVE PICTURE HUNT
THE MEDIUM By Meat Head Sandwich
CAN YOU FIND: +A plunger +7 asses +A student on academic PROBEation +Yoda +Dumb asian bitch wearing a mini skirt in the middle of winter + A huge boner + Totally scene Targum writer +Ralph Wiggum +Pair of blood shot eyes +Hypodermic needle +Juggz Mag +A gay hick Couple +8 Puddles of vomit +A slice of pizza +A choked chicken +A piece of shit (aka the targum) +A fat joint +A fat sammy +An aborted fetus +Desperate kid taking a leak + Group of prostitutes.. oh wait those are just some girlz from your dorm +A pop tart +A Fat ass freshman +Brian Miller as a lil girl + An exploding dog whos butt is leaking so
bad that it gets all over your grandma’s sofa and she has to lick it up with her tongue but she doesn’t have any teeth so you have to help her eat the chunks.
It’s really in there.
After a long time apart, it’s good to see you again, loyal and most awesome MEDIUM readers. Thought you’d enjoy this coupon for 20% OFF on your favorite midnight snack. While you’re enjoying your treat, why not send a couple of the cool things it makes you do to arts@themedium.net?
THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS
“This witty quote can be all yours, just please take this.”
Wednesday, Januwisharyth2008
Turns out that it takes more If a girl doesn’t like to take than 3 licks to get to the tootsie loads in her mouth, just tell roll center of an asshole. her semen contains flavor Hear me out on this one, crystals. Also you won’t ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. beat her if she does it. what I can’t wait for spring fuuuuuck?) time, when all the skanky girls breasts blossom like My great grandmother sunflowers. But you can’t said she lost her virgineat their nipples like you ity in the back seat of a can eat sunflower seeds. Conestoga wagon headed technically you west to the wild frontier. It (Well, was to a young indian fel- could, but it would taste like low, who naturally, was chicken...so I’ve heard... uncircumcised. They trad- I promise...alright, I give ed furs with the tribe for in, I ate a nipple once, ammo, and that was the last but it was just the tip.) they ever saw each other. Thank god I’m a satanist. (Ummm, the
Honestly I really don’t think that shrimp flavored ramen noodles tastes like shrimp. I think they ought to make some more upscale flavors, like lobster bisque, or fois gras. If I’m eating like a dirt bag, can’t I pretend to have dignity?
Single male T-1000 looking for female T-800 or T1000. Please no earlier models as I am incompatible.
Rutgers Scarlet Whistlers seeking a baritone for the 2008 academic year. Must have own car, mouth, lips, Wooohoo, soon my tax re- and tongue. E-mail us turns will be in, and papa scarletwhistlers@rutgers. d u needs a new pair of wom- e en’s underwear to secretly Dear Medium I am a horny wear under his clothes. freshman girl and I can’t If Julius Caesar were alive stop having these sexy today, he would own a Hum- dreams about my brother’s mer H2. He would not care friend. It’s always like this: about the rising gas prices. I am tutoring him in math He would conquer Exxon. and I’m topless (I have Ds btw) and instead of distract(If Julius Caesar were ing him, he ignores the fact alive today, he would in- that my titties are hanging vest in hair plugs and out. It’s so frustrating that maybe Nodoro. Maybe.) when I woke up this mornEven though mermaids may ing I discovered I was finbe hot, I would never have gering myself! I don’t know sex with one. I was under the what to do! HALP PLZ impression that female fish (Dear reader- first, ditch just lay eggs and the male any ideas of this guy. He’s a fish just squirts his jizz on top loser if he isn’t already over of them. How shitty is that. you and your D jugs. What Dear idiots in my classes this you need to do is email me semester, actually I lucked at personals@themedium. out so far, and there are none. net and send pics of those But I will be on the lookout, tits. They will not go in I will be watching you. Just the paper. I promise.)
Dude no way, did you just double click and a new tab appeared?! I usually control T that shit up. You didn’t know that? Wow you gotta get up on that. (Control T all the way, but you gotta check that double click thing, Firefox pwns.) THIS SPACE AVAILABLE FOR RENT SUBMIT RESUME/ TIT SHOTS PERSONALS@ THEMEDIUM. N E T Ron Paul thinks the world is 5000 years old. I don’t think he should be running our country let alone digging in our nation’s female vaginas. (he’s a gynecologist) (As male
opposed to... vaginas?)
I urgently need a personal trainer who can turn me into a hunk like those Spartans in the movie 300. Except I don’t want to die at the end. I recently gained like the killer gorillas in the It’s like mama always said, about 60 holiday pounds movie Congo. Only I dont “shut the fuck up you fuck- and need to shed them asap. have killer diamond lasers. ing asshole, ill give you something to cry about Hey Doritos, I like your Porkchop sandwiches?!@? you little whiny bitch.” enthusiasm about all these new flavors you are releasing, but it is getting pretty Want to be a personals editor? We pitiful. Sweet teriyaki flahave a position open and if you vored? I mean what’s next, like personals, it could be you! If turkey and stuffing Christmas dinner with corn and you don’t like personals, it could mashed potatoes with grabe you also! Get to be the one to vy flavored? Actually that write the caustic responses! Email sounds pretty good can you please make those? eic@themedium.net as soon as possible. And forget what I said about you being pitiful.
I love looking at porn on my HAHA my mom made iphone during class, LULZ a scapbook page featuring the editor in chief of PJ stop farting so much, I’m The Medium and a former pretty sure it can’t be good ex evil editor in chief of for your health to be farting the Green print, how funmore often than you breathe. ny is that, hur hur hurhur. Hey whatever happened to (Editor-in-Chief: It’s just the Rutgers Beard and Mouslike Professor X (me) and tache Society? It hasn’t met Magneto (ex GPEIC), exin like a year and I miss seecept I’m not crippled or ing all those whiskered guys harmed in anyway...unless gave me such a hard on like you count being crippled as imagine your balls getting having so many fans that I tickled by fumanchus and can’t walk down College handlebarbarians, uhhh I’m Ave without being accosted gonna need some tissues. for autographs, ZING!) Ghey...deliciously deca- Robert Plant is dently boner raising- a fucking hobbit ly ghey. But still hot. Yo Kosi Wut up bro, subDear readers, please mit some shit or somesend us money and ar- thing. Over and out. ticles and naked women. Dude, I need some pussy Thanks, The Medium like you wouldn’t believe. (Seriously, wtf is wrong with I can’t wait for the next girl all you? You demand naked to sit on my boobs and drip chicks but no one wants to her juices down my slit. submit. This is YOUR pa- We are fighting two wars, the per, do something about it.) economy is in the shitter, and A big FUCK YOU to all too many americans have no those assholes on the EE health care. I think I’ll spend monday afternoon, par- my $800 tax refund on a ticularly you with the giant gun to shoot myself with. backpack trying to look all Damn it, is Dane Cook cool by taking up way too funny or not? Would much space. The only rea- somebody please tell me? son I didn’t rip your bulbous ears off your head was be- MISSING: I left a 50 dolcause I was on my way to lar bill on top of a bar of my therapist to discuss my gold in the college ave. anger issues, it was your gym men’s locker room. lucky day, fatass. But if I When I came back from ever see you again when I’m mountain climbing they on my meds doing the same were both gone. I will pay thing, you’re fucking dead. a reward of 5 bucks for the Or at least facially mutilated. safe return of my valuables.
Wednesday, Janurinalry 30th 2008
Send gers
personals Eden
from a account
PERSONALS
THE MEDIUM
I fear the days are becoming bleak and the hours are twisting as the elevator music that plays at work is slowly starting to become part of my inner monologue.
To Yuri, from that article in the last Medium: This is your roommate’s older brother. Thanks for making me feel like a creepy pedophile after reading that.
“Milo Voluminous Cock”
Rutto:
PERSONALS@THEMEDIUM. NET We’ll
everything
except:
1. Full names/numbers/addresses etc. Use nicknames or hieroglyphics or whatever it is kids are doing these days. 2. Incriminating information. So if you want everyone to know how you drugged, raped, and killed that sorostitute, you’re gonna have to write a cryptic note to the police like your hero the Zodiac. To that monstrous bitch yesterday on CAC near Wendy’s: Just because YOU and YOUR FAT ASS does not like the smell or sound of my delicious Cool Ranch Doritos while you’re trying to nap doesn’t mean I’m going to stop eating them. I hope you enjoyed the fact that I bought another bag at Subway just to spite you.
Dear Medium, how do urinals work, do they have a tank? (Dear faithful anonymous reader, I have no fucking clue how urinals work. Have you ever seen someone shit in a urinal?)
FUCKING STADIUM EXPANSION!!! I HATE YOU!!! YOU’RE THE REASON I ONLY HAVE ONE SECTION FOR MY COURSE THAT DOESN’T This sneaky little monkey is FIT IN MY SCHEDgoing to make you buy me ULE!!! I HAVE TO PUT things. Muhahahhahhah. UP WITH ANOTHER YEAR OF THIS SHIT!!! I can’t wait for spring break. Any guys who want (Whatever, don’t listen to to get on a list for dis- this uninformed rambling. counted tickets to Cabo, Any good Rutgers footSt. Lucas, please call ball fan knows that more me at (732) 930-4032. people crammed into the stadium=more money for (This phone number is the school, and in turn, not legit. Don’t bother more hookers for McCorcalling it. Actually, just mick. And I think it goes kidding, go ahead, I bet without saying what a hapyou really want those tix. py dick means. Yep, that’s Just kidding, I lied. Now right. Another divorce.) which one is the truth??) To the retard in the downDear brain, stop be- stairs CAC computing room ing so lazy and wake who kept scoffing because my ass up before 10am his document wouldn’t this semester. –Love me. print, when there were signs Does anyone else realize ALL OVER THE FUCKthat the church bell that ING ROOM SAYING rings on college ave ev- THE PRINTERS WERE ery day is wrong?! It used DOWN, you’re not superto be 10 minutes fast, but man and you won’t end up this semester it’s gotten so fixing the printer with your bad it’s now 20 minutes gummy bear hands. Retard. fast. Look rutgers, I want To my dearest mommy: to get to class on time, not I want to curl up in your waaaay too early, so fix- bosom and have little ing that fucking clock ones breathe on my bitshould be on your agenda. ties while Tito lollypops How the hell does Knight my lane. Is that so wrong?
To the bus drivers: GODDAMN you were efficient on the first day of school. Too bad that was To Mindy, last night’s romp all for show. You’re back was amazing. This time I to giving me shitty service Express work? Send me an want to try the Flying Tenand no speaka enwhish.. email at knightexpress@a seiken with two rubber ctuallyitsruexpressnow.wtf duckies and 2oz. of boondu. “The user name or password is incorrect” Fuck you and Fuck helicopter game. Why the hell are more lapyour fucking error screen! Go some other game. Not tops out this semester!!?? Marble Madness though. Don’t fucking bullshit with To the she-man looking (Wtf, don’t ever write me and tell me it’s your over my shoulder as I startto personals again.) notebook. Get a real note- ed to write this personal, book and stop acting like the don’t take this the wrong my boyfriend showed me asshole, cumclot, brown- way but you’re not my type. a picture he took of his nosing beaner you are. (But I think you’re mine, own meter long turd in the toilet. the only thing that (And I would like to take this so cuuuuuum to the meetkept me from yelling was opportunity to personally ing tonight at 9.15pm in the fact that it was literaddress that asshole in my room 113 of the Livingston ally a meter long. I know Latin class with the laptop- Student Center. Booyah!) so because we put a meterwhat the hell is wrong with Some of these people are stick in the toilet to check. you?! I can see if it was a lec- as dumb as a box of rocks. ture course, but LATIN?!?! And I would like those Teediepeedies get your ass I don’t even know you and some people to know that in gear you slacker. If you I already hate your guts.) like a box of rocks, you want to run a radio show, show some iniative and acHmm I had some delicious are all useless, unless a gitually do something aside lutefisk with a side of but- ant 300eque wall is being from playing videogames tered labia for christmas made out of you to make and collecting foodstamps. eve dinner, what beats an example to your people. lutefisk and buttered la- Would anyone be inter- To my girlfriend, I have bia? nothing, that’s right. ested in joining/founding collected enough of your I know this may sound crazy, but a ghost has eaten my soul and I am Jesus, blood will reign on you.
a Synesthesia club? Email personals@themedium. net for more info. Ryan, Personals Editor
hair to build a lifesize model of you. I just need you to pose nude for several hours everyday for a month. Thx
(The only thing wrong with this personal is the grammar and syntax- I have no idea what the writer is trying to convey. But it sounds juicy, nonetheless, so C for effort.) Dear Pita Palace- get rid of the hummus/babaganoug pita sandwich because it’s the most disgusting thing since lutefisk. Actually, lutefisk is probably better since it’s got a flavor. I’d rather eat soap than that pita sandwich. In fact, I’m thinking about boycotting all together. If I want to deal with someone who doesn’t speak english, at least make it a middleeastern guy at a middleeastern eatery. I don’t trust that hispanic dude, I doubt he knows babaganoug from baklava. Chenkoye. Fuckstick phallus cock dick hot-beef-rod-a-roni bulge weiner johnson dong penis danglybit snake...cunt? Wooooo
bestiality!
(I know I felt like a creepy pedophile myself after Yuri’s photoshoot- don’t believe her fake ID, no way in hell is she 18. Try 14.) To. N.M., international is the way to go. –Love, your Pinky. Dear Denney, wtf happened to you on the first day of school? I waited for like an hour and you never showed up. Not that I needed your companionship or anything, I just wanted those damn psychology books. That guest swipe will be going to a better recipient, i.e. Carol the homeless woman. You may know the one. I’m still mad as a wethat that it’s cold now. (1. and
It’s 2.
a wet hen not funny.)
To my psych professor who dreams of flying, I almost came right then and there just by your enthusiasm alone and your look of pure bliss. Dear Shoprite, Fuck you and your $2.49 Hershey Kisses that were $1.49 last week. I’m not paying it. Editor’s Note: The Shoprite of Edison I’m sure. (Actually that editor’s note did not come from the editor of this section, but rather another editor who has no section, i.e. Senior Editor. Look, if you want to put your own notes in here, why don’t you man up and take a page. Slut.) Fuck, I need more condoms. Aliens vs. Predator left so many questions unanswered. Like wtf was the veteran Predator doing when he got the text message on his wrist iphone to go kill all those Aliens in Colorado. And why did he go by himself? And if there can be Predaliens, what about Alien birds?! (Alien birds are pretty fucking scary. But what I want to know was why didn’t the Predator just set his iphone wrist bomb off at the end? Fucking army intervening dumbasses, I wanted to see way more slaughtering.)
THE MEDIUM
THE LAST PAGE
Wednesday, January 30th, 2008
“Now I’m going to grab the distort tool, Some people might use the perspective tool but they’re pussies...” Youtube video of the week: You suck at Photoshop #1
Upcoming Events That You Aren’t Going To
In my Bedroom
On Campus EMPLOYER PANEL: How to Land Your Dream Internship or Co-op - Wednesday, January 30, 2008 6:00 PM, Busch Campus Center (Hint: It involves a little bit of sucky-fucky) Romeo and Juliet - Friday, February 1, 2008 8:00 PM, Mgsa New Theater (SPOILER ALERT: Romeo gets put away for 5-10 following his second felony narcotics charge) Buckwheat Zydeco - February 2, 2008 8:00 PM, 15 Livingston Avenue (Seriously, these guys revolutionized zydeco, truly a must see)
Off Campus 2008 Mid Atlantic Fruit and Vegetable Conference and Trade Show - 1/29/2008-1/31/2008, Hershey Lodge and Convention Center Hershey, PA (They will be showcasing the best vegetables for female masturbation) Cabin Camping at KMSR - Friday, February 1, 2008 8:00 AM, Stokes State Forest & Appalachian Trail (Let’s make a bet to see who can lose their virginity first!)
BLOWJOB PANEL: How to give great head or master the rimjob- Wednesday, January 30, 2008 8:00 PM, My House. (Hint: Involves a little networking.) I have anal sex with my ex or current gf for your pleasure- Friday to Saturday February 1-2, all day. Come for the show, show up for the cum. (Spoiler alert: My current gf doesn’t like the butt sex, but the ex loves it like none other. They used to call her ‘bear’ because of the grunts. Seriously.)
In my Pants BYOB BDSM Rave Luau SBD BFG Party- Thursday January 31st , My Pants, 10 pm until the room stops spinning and/or we run out of liquid latex. Cotton Candy fundraiser- Donate your money to Jesus and shave my pubes while you are at it. All day Saturday the 2nd.
id Liqw
wakeup a s d e e n y r t n this cou onspiracey c a z u w 1 1 9 call
ICE
learn to spell asshole
my sh i tuna t smells lik and p izza L e OL religion is the opiate of
i think i just blew my ass out!
the masses!
ron paul is an
repent you fucking sinner
PV=NkT 4 LYFE Q: where do babies come from? A: your dad’s vagina
i h8 sk8ers
RON PAUL 2008
ROB IZ
asshole
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why are you w riting internet emoti cons? because this was made on a computer u retard
2 WYCK
ED
Now you know why Rutgers very own philosophy department consistently ranks high nationally.
THE END