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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
Volume xli Issue xvi
february 16th, 2011
50¢
CLASSY JOURNALISM
TARGUM EBOARD ENDS YEAR WITH DIGNITY; STRIPPERS BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
MINE STREET—Early Friday morning, the 142nd Editorial Board of the Daily Targum shut down their computers for the last time and said tearful good byes to one another. The student-run newspaper, whose editorial board is selected through a yearly caucus in February, quickly transitioned into its 143rd Board on Monday. Some staff members went home to rest and prepare for the week ahead, when a new team would report on the current state of affairs in the University community. "But for the rest of us," said outgoing EIC Neil Phoenix Kypers. "It's time to get crazy." At approximately 12:20 am Friday, Kypers greeted a large black stretch limo that was waiting outside the Targum's Mine Street offices. Writers, editors and photographers boarded the vehicle and were promptly handed glasses of champagne and party hats. Af-
ter about twenty minutes of driving, Kypers stuck his head out the sunroof of the limo and screamed "I'M FUCKING NEIL KYPERS! YOU AIN'T GOT SHIT ON ME! FUCK ALL Y'ALL!" "I'm assuming he just wanted to blow off some steam," said Staff Writer Joseph Ortiz. "But I started getting concerned when he pulled out a large baggie of cocaine." Indeed, many members of the staff were put off by the location of Kypers's proposed "Surprise After Party:" Delilah's Den Gentlemen's Club off Route 37. "I was reluctant to go in, but he said the night had already been 'taken care of,'" said Sports Editor Steve Miller. "I know that [Neil Kypers] gets paid to run the paper, but I didn't think he got paid that much" The rest of the evening went by "like a blur" according to most of the staff, but sources report that various tomfooleries by the staff occurred, including the University section editors doing body shots off a woman
HOT PRESS
Despite the club's "No Camera" policy, an unnamed Targum photography editor was able to snap this pic of the former EIC.
known as "Tea Leaves," and the Sports section utilizing the "Champagne Room" for several hours. "Let's just say my rent has been paid for the coming year," said "Bianca," a dancer at the club.
The staff returned to College Avenue around 8:30 that morning, where they promptly grabbed copies of their final issue, and used them to clean up the mess they made during the super fun "After-After Party" in the limo.
NEWS IN PICTURES
IN FOCUS
Students Shocked by Quality of NBPD Brutality Video
Det. Sugarlumps Uncovers Prostitution Ring in NB
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
MINE STREET—Students are shocked and outraged to find that a recent video depicting the savage beating of a Rutgers student by New Brunswick Police was extraordinarily high in quality and actually watchable. Historically, videos depicting police brutality were filmed using lowresolution camera phones with poor audio sampling leaving the viewer either outraged or nearsighted from squinting. The now-acclaimed YouTube user Jerz15 using a Canon EOS 5D camera, a $2,500 21.1 megapixel workhorse of any aspiring police corruption director, made this stunning debut into the world of brutality films. “At first I thought [Rutgers Student Brutally Beaten by NBPD] was just going to be another dumb, cheap Rodney King B-Movie knockoff,” said SAS-
Sophomore Ryan Jeffries. “But when I heard the clear, high-definition audio and saw the brilliant use of police car lighting, I was hooked. My Oscar pick for sure.” Many students interviewed after seeing the video claimed that they “felt multiple punches of professionalism” rain down on their heads While others began buying up high quality cameras of their own in hopes of becoming KEEPING HIS PIMP HOOF STRONG—Det. Sugarlumps, a recently promoted member of the Mounted Patrol, went undercover to the underbelly of New Brunsthe next Jerz15. Best Buy stores wick, resulting in twelve arrests. Continued, “NBPD” page 2
Running Out of Witty Things ESTABLISHED 1970
THE MEDIUM
NEWS
Wednesday, February 16th, 2011
"I walked in and was immediately forced to drink a red liquid. This could be great or terrible."
MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH
PHAROH-WELL MUBARAK
GOVERNMENT HOPES NORMAL STEREOTYPES Study finds Rutgers Snow WILL RETURN TO EGYPTIAN LIFE Dicks shrink, go soft when things get hot
BY THE KILLA WHALE STAFF WRITER
CAIRO—Last Friday, February 11, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak stepped down as leader of Egypt after 30 years in power. Mubarak’s resignation came after several weeks of violent protests by citizens that were upset with his regime’s corrupt policies and unfair balance of power. Control of Egypt has been transferred to the Supreme Council of the Armed Forces. The group will remain in power until an election that will be held later this summer. “This process is going to be democratic, ignoring all emergency laws that had been in place for three decades…we’re resurrecting the Pharaoh,” said council Chairman Muhammed Tantawi. Other Egyptian officials are confident that bringing back the office of the pharaoh will help stabilize the country and gain worldwide support from na-
BY OLIVER KLOZOFF STAFF WRITER
YO MUMMY'S SO FAT... Mubarek was later discovered to be part of an intricate pyramid scheme
become extremely consistent between all of the employees, meaning they all suck equally.” Whether it’s the large collective of loud employees gathering in the corner of Pizzaria Uno and shouting about how drunk they got, or five employees at the Ancho Grill taking seven minutes to create one quesadilla, the Café’s consistently piss poor service, coupled with the bleak and aggravated attitude of the employees on a daily basis makes for a hell hole that students can rely on to make their blood pressure go through the
roof. “Normally I go there and use my meal swipe,” said student Kate Barilanes. “But if I ever have to pay cash for something, I just eat the money instead. I mean the food is decent but that can also be said about Tillet.” Medium staff attempted to interview a cashier at the Café, who ignored requests for conversation because they had decided to step away from their register for five fucking minutes to read a book, allowing the staff members a free lunch.
DOUGLASS—Physicians from across the state are rushing to identify the source of the erectile dysfunction epidemic amongst the legions of on-campus snow-dicks. "It's unusually warm this week" said Dr. Raj Gunti . "It's imperative that our snow-dicks don't fail in the heat of the moment." Some attribute the sexual malaise to psychological issues. It is assumed that widespread student whining (particularly female students) about the weather may have damaged the confidence of our phallic phriends. "Naturally the snow penis could only take so much whining from women," said Gunti. "And as a result, the inevitable has finally occurred; the snow penises of Rutgers have gone soft." The flaccid phallus lay limp all across campus to the ridicule of many Rutgers undergrads. “What, like you think I’m gonna dress sexy?” Jackie Flores, a Rutgers sorostitue said. “I mean, like, are you fo' real? It’s fucking cold out bitches!” Simply by association with their own manhood, male students across campus are suffering severe morale issues. Many men can be heard crying in their rooms at night as their own gear won’t function.
to capture some brutality vérité,” Senior Thomas Frank told reporters whilst hiding behind a bush. “Although now that the pigs are in on the filming, it’s lost some realism.”
Frank’s criticisms have been confirmed as NBPD officials are requiring employee applications to have a professional headshot attached as well as membership in the Actor’s Equity union. In unrelated news, the NBPD
will offer a self-defense course called “Self-Defense and You: How To Defend Yourself Against The NBPD” which is open to all citizens wishing to protect themselves from the police.
tions that hold strong, stereotypical views of Egypt. U.S. Vice President Joe Biden has stated, “They had a president too?” Members of Parliament in Britain have reached out to Chairman Tantawi regarding whether or not they will resume their pyramid hobby. The Supreme Council responded that their pyramid industry is only going to become
stronger as a result of this political change. Furthermore, council members have made a bold declaration that they will conquer the world with their ancient, mummy army from the underworld. Current candidates for the “resurrection election” include Khufu, Mentuhotep II, Tutankhamen, Ramesses the Great, Cleopatra, and actor Yul Brynner.
"FOOD"
Douglass Café “Employee of the Month” Unawarded for 27th Consecutive Month BY DAN "OMAN" CHOG JR. STAFF WRITER
DOUGLASS—A blank frame and unadorned nameplate in the stockroom of the Douglass Café has become dusty and covered in cobwebs as the terrible service at the student-run eatery has been in rapid decline. “A few years ago, this girl Lindsey Graham was caught smiling at a customer and we had to give her the award by default,” said Manager Byron McMurphy. “More recently, however, the quality of service has
NBPD - Continued from front have reported a 300% increase of Leica S2 Digital Cameras, which on average retail for $27,995. “I’m almost thinking of instigating drunken fights outside of the police station in order
Editorial Staff Spring 2011
F
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson
News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Kenneth Brooks Shane Whelan Steve Troulis Abe Stanway Barbara Reed John Eberhardt
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to water bottles. Because I have run out of things to dedicate this paper to and was just looking around the room for any random object.
FEATURES
Wednesday, February 16th, 2011
“There’s got to be a morning after....” MCCORMICK
WII-WII
By Russian Mail-Order Bride, Features Editor
I recently purchased a Wii Fit balance board. I fucking love this thing. The board’s weight limit is 250 pounds, but then I started imagining what would happen if there was no limit...
GET KRUNK
Alcoholic Beverage of the Week: Red Star Erguotou Chinese Firewater
Drink this 112-proof wonder beverage if you want to get really, really fucked up. This shit ain’t for pussies. I know this from an experience back in high school where I chugged Firewater straight from a two liter bottle, blacked out, and woke up with my shirt off next to a repulsive guy. I’m also not sure if you can buy this outside of China, but you can probably order it online if you are so inclined. FEEL GOOD ARTICLE
WORD UP!
Medium Words of the Week
Slutter: A sweater that is cut, stretched, or torn in a way that maximizes sluttiness to the point where the sweater loses its functionality to provide warmth. Drutch: A person, pet, or object that is used as a crutch for an intoxicated individual.
Reasons My Life Sucks More Than Yours By Reverend Holyfuck, EIC Reason Number 8: My Boss has his own Local Access TV Commercial
Now I get that “your boss stars in his own commercial” probably isn’t high up on your list of the worst fucking things ever but that’s only because you’re a pampered college student without a job thus you can go fuck yourself. I mean that too. If you’ve never had someone with direct control over your financial situation find little ways to make your life worse, than I hope you get wedge in between two mountains in the middle of no where with no hopes of turning your story into a movie, asshole. So while you sleep in on Friday afternoon wondering what flavor liquor you’re going to use to get that girl down the hall drunk even to touch you. Consider these to be reasons why I hate you: 1) You have no idea what it’s like to have the man who signs your paychecks find a way to take money from you. On my days off, in my most vulnerable state
- high and eating cheerios - my boss can just come into my living room and into my privacy with his poorly produced commerical like he’s the god damn thought police (thank you 9th grade english... and Google). Trust me, there’s not a more effective way to kill about twenty dollars worth of a good mood than hearing your boss’s voice in your own living room at 2 in the morning. 2) On top of everything else, my boss’s commercial is mindblowingly awful. How he managed to use the latest technology to produce a video that literally looks like it was shot thirty years ago is nothing short of a feat. I’m also fairly certain that he paid extra to have the volume on his commercial be uncomfortably louder than that of the normal programming volume. So not only do I have to watch my boss’s sad attempt at humanity boiling into what I think
the Crypt keeper’s smile would look like if he had skin; I have to be aware of the commerical even if I’m not paying attention to the tv. It violently interrupts everything from conversations to dead sleeps and all the fun things in between. I cannot begin to explain all the effects two years of accidentally leaving the tv on when going to bed has had on my dreams, so lets just say that it has left me with a very sick, damagaing fetish for used car salesmen and Kermit the frog. I know that most people don’t have the “perfect life” but I think it stands to reason that anyone reading this article lives a considerably better life than I do. Except for maybe the dishwasher, because he doesn’t speak English and that shit must be absolutely terrifying without subtitles. Reven is our EIC. This is white space.
Submit to features@themediumonline.com
THE MEDIUM
BITCHIN’ WITH JOHNNY
Merit Badge Jubilee By Johnny J-Bot STAFF WRITER
Your facebook posts suck. Don’t deny it, they’re piss poor. “But Johnny, all my friends hit the like button for my status updates!”. Fuck you. You know why they do that? It’s because you’re a reasonably attractive girl that puts up a lot of pictures showing off a bit of cleavage. When you have 20 guys liking your status, you can bet at least 15 of them want to have sex with you. Your posts are probably along the lines of “Today sucked!”, or “I’m so happy!”, or “I’m pissed off, cheer me up :(“ Congratulations! You win the “Annoying Whiner” Badge! Have you ever written a status that went a little something like… “Dear Person, I really like/dislike you. You totally rocked/sucked and it was a great way to spend/waste my time. I can’t wait for you to come back/die. Sincerely/Fuck you, Jenny Whogivesafuck” If that reminds you even slightly of any of your posts, congratulations on being a passive aggressive little cunt! Most of the time whoever you’re addressing will never see it, totally eliminating any usefulness to the post, except to have a few people agree with you and join you in your futility. You don’t like what politicians are doing? Send them an email and be direct, at least be friends with Obama so he can see your posts. The worst is when you “write a letter” to inanimate objects. I once saw a girls post addressed to her dorm, not the people in her dorm, just her dorm, as if it were some high school pal she was catching up with. Derp derp, get the fuck off my friends list. You’re now the proud owner of the “Dumbass-Pussy” Badge! Comes with notary set for all of those meaningful letters you’re probably going to write! If your updates involve an open admission to you smoking weed, doing any other number of drugs, or getting completely shitfaced you’re entitled to the… “Class Act” badge! You are one refined person my friend, if you have your parents or employers as facebook friends, we’ll throw in a bumper sticker, but even better, if you also include your exact location (such as “smoking a bowl in the Shoprite parking lot who wants to join me lol”) you win a 10 dollar gift-certificate to Sears! The savings! That’s it for now. Just in case I didn’t get my point across I’d like to close by saying I’m better than you. Until next time folks! -Johnny J-Bot
THE MEDIUM
COMMENTARY
It’s a Privilege to Have a Football Player Inside of You BY MELISSA WILSON
There are often times where I ask myself: “Why am I at Rutgers?” I mean, my daddy pays for everything, so I could have afforded to go to a school with a little more style and finesse. But I see Rutgers as a place of hope and opportunity, where your greatest achievements benefit the greater good and help the community at large. That’s why I have copious amounts of sex with guys from the football team.
“I often promise blow jobs in exchange for field goals.”
OP/ED
Wednesday, February 16th 2011
“King Pita should be known for their pita, and they are.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
I’m Coach Travis and I’m Your Substitute Sex-Ed Teacher Today BY COACH TRAVIS
All right, as you know, y o u r teacher is sick today and I’m the only one available to teach you sex-ed so let’s try and get through this. So what are we learning here? Does this class have a book or something? What? Parts of a vagina? Uh, I don’t think I really know anything about that beyond…so how about we just jump ahead to uh…let’s see here…OK sexually transmitted diseases. It says here that STD’s are usually contracted through unprotected intercourse and uh, sometimes through oral sex too. Jesus, is this what you kids are into today? How old are you kids like 14? Holy
shit. I mean…don’t tell anyone I swore at you guys but goddammit. How many of you have done this stuff? Yeah, just put your hand up…wow. Seriously? One, two, three… Jesus Christ. Well I guess this
“It’s like football when you have a running back carrying the ball, only it’s sex.” lesson actually matters then. Well ok when you have… sex you have to use, a condom I guess. Fuck, how do I relate this to you? It’s like football when you have a running back carrying the ball, only it’s sex. But just
like football you need something to block for the running back or you don’t score. You need like durable blockers who can cover a wide expanse of field. Durable and expansive. Like Durex blockers. What? Oh yeah I guess you could use Durex condoms. They probably have them downstairs in the nurse’s office for free, right? Abstinence only? What’s abstinence? Who are the Jonas brothers? Whatever. Listen, I don’t want you kids getting knocked up or doing pregnancy pacts so I don’t know, just root around your house and take a few of your dads Trojans. Me? Oh I don’t know kid, like 9 women but I ended up marrying one I knocked up in ’04 and had to get this crappy job so yeah don’t make my mistakes. Ok, good talk guys.
You may regard me as a woman of ill-repute, but I truly think it is an honor to have any of the most physically and kinesthetically capable men in the state, nay the nation, boning the shit POINT/COUNTERPOINT out of me. Think about it, when the football Aww, Who’s a Good Boy? Who’s My Good Boy? players get laid, then they are more inBY SHERRY BENNETT clined to do a good job out on the field, Who’s my good boy? Who’s my little fluffy man? Is it you? Are you the most which will warrant them getting laid bestest puppy in all the world? Yes you are! It’s you! even more, particularly by yours truly. And so handsome too! You are just the handsomest little man I’ve ever I often promise blow jobs in exseen. You’re so cute. I love smushing your cute little face. Your cute little puppy change for interceptions and field goals. face that I just love. I am just going to cuddle you forever my fuzzy little boy! Any time a guy on the team scored last I wuv you! Yes I do! I wuv you so much! You have the cutest little puppy face I have ever season, they celebrated with their teamseen! Do you want a treat? Sit! GOOD BOY! Now give me your paw. Shake. Awwww! You’re so mates not because they got points, but smart too! Mwah! My little Rufus is the sweetest, softest little puppy in the whole world. they were going to get to try anal later You know what? I am going to put you in a cute little vest and take you for walks all that evening. around the neighborhood. You will be the handsomest man in town. So you see? I’m doing all of you a service, and until I get pregnant by one I’m A Good Boy, Dammit. Please Stop Asking. of them and force them to have a child with me, (I’m hoping to get Chas Dodd BY RUFUS because if the NFL snaps him up I’m set Yes, I am a good boy. I know I am a good boy. Do you need me to tell you for life…) I will continue to perform that any more times to get it through your fat head? Every day you patronize me with service. that little baby voice and it drives me crazy. I know that no other human talks that way. Dogs can recognize almost 200 words, just like a human toddler. I’m descended from a wolf. I could bite your face off if I wanted. I just choose not to because the ASPCA isn’t going to get its hands on me and “send me to a farm.” I know what the means! You’re not fooling anyone. Now I’m going to lay down and you’re going to rub my belly. Not because it’s soft and IT’S A THING. fuzzy but because I’m telling you to. And don’t you dare put a vest on me while I’m there.
OPINIONS@THEMEDIUMONLINE.COM UNIVERSITY VOICES
How did you celebrate Valentine’s Day?
“I learned that if you spend 20 hours on your ex’s facebook profile, it automatically logs you off. Don’t try it.”
Joe Gibney SAS, Junior
“Well, that hard liquor wasn’t going to drink itself.”
Sarah Hannigan MGSA, Freshman
“What? Valentine’s Day already passed? Man, this month is going by real fast.”
Natalie Tran SAS, Freshman
THE MEDIUM
ARTS
Wednesday, February 16th, 2011
“No one actually said this quote.”
TOP FIVE movies
TOP FIVE movies
Movies That Don’t Have Any Romance
Movies That I’m Gonna Watch Anyway
Romance in movies is such a cheap gimmick. Even if it’s not a chick flick, most movies have some subplot involving two people falling in love. Fuck it all.
Grindhouse: Death Proof (2007)
Frost/Nixon (2008)
A Clockwork Orange (1971)
Apocalypse Now (1979)
Reservoir Dogs (1992)
They’re... They’re just meant to be. In all these movies, they break up and then they get back together because they’re meant to be.
The Notebook Eternal Sunshine of the (2004) Spotless Mind (2005)
Say Anything (1999)
10 Things I Hate About You (2000)
Going the Distance (2010)
PLAYLIST
Break Up Songs
I used to listen to these songs and think “wow, what a downer” or “I know you’re sad, but that’s going way overboard.” But now they’re the only songs that make sense. It is a strange state to feel all at once that you are so connected to whoever wrote the song you’re listening to, but so inherently alone in every other way. 1
Requiem for O.M.M.2
2
Meaningless
3
The Best Deceptions
4
How to Say Goodbye
5
Landslide
6
Mean
7
I’m Waking Up To Us
8
The End of the World Is Bigger Than Love
COMICS
Of Montreal
The Magnetic Fields Dashboard Confessional The Magnetic Fields Fleetwood Mac Taylor Swift
Belle & Sebastian
Jens Lekman
http://8tracks.com/themedium/breaking-up
Send me something, anything.
arts@themediumonline.com I really need a friend right now.
GRAFFITI
FUCK YOU
T HEATRE R EVIEW
Location: At the corner of Easton and Hamilton
I don’t usually care about the theatre, but it turns out that for the past few months I have been inadvertently watching what is perhaps the world’s longest play. It was a one-man show with my ex as the actor, and me and the whole world as the audience. The plot was based around the theme of his affection for me, making use of props such as flowers and candy. There were frequent scene changes; public settings such as parks, restaurants, outings with friends; as well as intimate scenes; and the imagined landscapes of past memories and future plans. The portrayal of emotion from the actor was so skillful that the audience was almost deceived into believing that the whole play
was actually reality. That is, until the play ended. After the play was over, audience members could clearly see how hollow, fake, and methodical the acting was from the start of the play, and how unfitting the actor was for the role in the first place. It is my sincere hope that this actor never even auditions for another part so that no one else has to be subjected to his narcissistic monologues, clumsy improvisation, or unfunny dialogue. While I don’t feel that this play had actually reached a proper conclusion, I don’t seek any closure because I’m just glad it’s over.
THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS “Let’s just get this straight... I LOVE women. I HATE men. Okay?”
Big Bird’s Rules For Life
1. To avoid diarrhea, eat more than just Birdseed Milkshakes. 2. Don’t be jealous of the little red bastard... I mean monster. 3. Check into a psych ward if you’re the only one that sees a 9-foot tall Wooly Mammoth. 4. Send personals to The Medium every sunny day sweeping the clouds away.
personals@themediumonline.com OMG. THEY KILLED KENNY
NOT SPONSORED BY PEPSI
To the fucker that stuck pushpins into my pictures on my door’s corkboard. Fuck you. I should make you pay 29 cents so I can get some fucking replacements.
Vending machine at ARC! Why have thou forsaken me. Everytime I go to you, there is no Sierra Mist or Orange Crush. Is that the only thing people drink? You need to change some of your buttons from Pepsi because that shit is nasty anyway.
(-__- Are you really bitching about 29 cents? You can probably make that by having people pay you not to strip naked.) To the idiot who fucked up the fifth floor bathroom of frelinghuysen and got it shut down... what the fuck did you do in there that it had to be shut down. did you shit all over the floors or fuck the urinals or something? In any case, fuck you because I have to go upstairs to the creepy fuckin sixth floor to shower now. (boo fuckin hoo. at least you don’t have your own house where when people fuck up your bathroom you have to clean the shit up) To the second floor of Frelinghuysen. STOP RUNNING BACK AND FORTH DOWN THE HALL. are you fuckin playing tag? how does that even work, the hallway is like 3 feet wide. (no comment.) To la chica dominicana that was talking shit about newark. I guess Florida is just peachy.
INSERT CATEGORY HERE Who stole my nunchucks from under my bed. When I find you, I will use the greatest of my martial arts ability to slay you and all will rejoice. (I don’t know whether to refer you to Rutgers Police, or counseling...)
(HEY! Do not talk bad about Pepsi Co. This school runs on a tank full of that shit.) To my RA. I see people give u shit sometimes, which sucks because ur pretty cool. Have a good week <3 (Uhhh. okay.) I had some coke the other day and i almost nutted. why can’t coke cosponsor rutgers?? we’re a bigass school. share the wealth. exclusivity sucks. (To clarify, you mean coke the drink right? Because i’m sure by some means somewhere in our corrupt state, we are funded in part by coke, the drug.) My sierra mist from nielson takeout had no sierra mist flavoring. get on your shit nielson. (Why not test it before you leave. Works for me.) IT BECOMES HARDER AND HARDER TO MAINTAIN A CATEGORY NAME WITH FEWER AND FEWER PERSONALS
To the sexy white bitch in my Calculus class. You know your shit. Want to tutor me, and maybe I can teach you a few things afterwards? ;) (Yo sonn. Lemme teach youuu somethin’. First of all, you don’t spit game in an anonymous forum. Secondly, you don’t call a bitch a bitch and then ask can i get in that shit. You not gonna get any playtime with that attitude.)
PUBLIC SERVICE To the classy lady who complained about guys who say girls shouldn’t wear uggs with sweats: We’re just trying to help you look less like homeless crack addicts, though I guess I shouldn’t complain, as that appears to be the style nowadays. (Lol. This is kinda funny. Dr. K. is going to stay neutral. Rebuttal, ladies?) Hey Rutgers... i feel like your staff gets amusements watching people almost bust their asses all over Douglass when it snows. Why not do a better job @ shoveling and putting down salt. (Actually it was kinda icy over there, particularly in the Loree area. BTW sorry random guy in front of me whose bookbag I grabbed when I almost slipped.) What is with the buses lately. Its fuckin cold out. How are there MORE buses and they come less frequent. (Put on a coat and get the fuck over it. Its a transit bus, and as someone who has been riding them for 21 years of my life, I think RU is pretty lucky.) Stay friends?! Pffffff bitch please. I don’t need anymore girls I can’t fuck. The next time I need another useless friend like you I’ll go to the bathroom and shit one out. (So, I’m guessing she dumped you. Sorry breh.) The next time you get high, watch any Tyler Perry play. That shit is fuckin motivational as hell like you’re sitting in their living room and they talkin to you. Real Talk. (What the fuck?)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
OUTSOURCED BITCHIN’ FOR R.U.P.A. Rutgersfest having Pitbull and 3oh!3 as the performers?! Well looks like I’m skipping this one again and just straight drinking. (Lucky you. Some of us have to actually work.) RUPA, I hope yall didn’t really think we’d be happy yall booked Pit bull for Rutgersfest. Who the fck likes/wants Pitbull? Wht happened to good performances? instead of tht bullshit dailytargum (s/o to the medium!) Or PIRG referendum, tag 10 to our term bill to book good Rutgersfest artists. I kno its free, but so is dwnloading shitty pitbull, and no one wants to do tht either. Who the fck is 3oh3??? Ever since kanye its been downhill... maybe u should cancel some of the bullshit events like half funny comedians n save up for a half decent artist next year. (I didn’t even understand what the fuck half of that said, but the general point is shout out to The Medium, and people are mad at RUPA...)
BARELY LEGAL My grandmother once told me if I want to meet a nice young man, I need to fuck him like he’s never been fucked before, and then demand a hundred dollars. If he questions me and objects, he’s a respectable young man who won’t use me. If he just gives it to me, I’ll make some money to put in the bank so I won’t need a man. So far I’m at about 6300 dollars. What does that mean? (That means you and granny are prostituting.)
IS YOUR TREASURER UP YOUR BUTT? ...Advertise here, and tell him (her) to suck a nut! ADVERTISE WITH THE MEDIUM
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CREAM OF THE CROP My friend wrote in his Facebook that he got ran over by a car. I wrote BullShit because he is always joking. I met him today & he is walking on crutches. OOPS! (Wow. What a great friend you are. Did you try to trip him after seeing him? -__-) To every student in Theater Appreciation: Stop showing up to Cabaret Theatre when we have no shows. You have interrupted so many rehearsals in the past week that its almost laughable. Perhaps you should take Map Appreciation first... (What’s laughable is that you didn’t think to put up a DO NOT ENTER sign after the first 15 or so people interrupted you... but what do I know?) To the kid who works at the DCC: I know you farted on the weekend bus. It smelt terrible. Never ever do that again. (ewww?...) To the DCC: I find it ironic that you don’t sell American Spirits, seeing as there are many, many hipsters living on Cook/ Douglass.` (I don’t even get this one... I assume it has its purpose.) I insulted all 12,000.5 Asians at Rutgers. This was not on purpose. At least I’m thorough. FML! (I’m not even going to ask.) DR. K’s TO DO LIST 1. Feed the birds 2. Sit in Brower at Breakfast, watch people, and listen to the stupid shit they say. 3. Go to class. I don’t know why. I just do. Apparently it makes it easier to pass. 4. Watch porn. 5. Slap a bitch. (Any will do.) 6. Get and eat takeout lunch from Brower and then, stare at my fat ass in the mirror debating going to the gym. 7. Not go to the gym, and fall asleep midday watching Hulu. 8. Wake up 10 minutes before another class and go, sadly. 9. Go to Busch for dinner with Asian people. (Who the fuck are we kidding? Fuck political correctness. Remember what you’re reading...) 10. Sit down at a desk and write this shit for when you don’t send personals.
personals@ themediumonline.com
PERSONALS
Wednesday, February 16th, 2011
“I feel like it always ends with Rev Run in the bathtub. Alone. With his Blackberry.” BITCHIN’ PERSONALS Sorry, but I think I need to a be bitch for at least another week or two. Just so ya know. Thanx. To all the girls who say I’m hot. Thank you – Oliver Klozoff To my stupid cunt roommate: You may have won one battle in the thermostat war last night, but I still poured bong water in all your shoes. :D We peed on your car, too, so when you open the door, you’re touching my pee SUCKER! (You, are awesome. I would like to meet you. We can compare evil schemes together.) Dearest Roommate, Sheesh, it stinks in here, right? Maybe you should check under the pile of your shit dumped on our floor. Something might have met a very lonely, smell death under there... To the kid who looks like Justin Bieber. Really dude I think you should cut your hair. It was funny walking in front of Brower the other day and you walked by, then I heard six guys say hey it’s Justin Bieber kid. You looked annoyed. To the guy at the Alpha Cigarette party whose dance move for a good 30 minutes was simply air jacking off while alternating hands, you were so hot. That turned me on so fucking hard that I just wanted to wrap my fingers around your..... NOT!!!!!!!! Don’t do that ever again. To all the ‘bros’ (including asian yellow nigger wannabes) who think its ‘cool’ to talk openly and loudly about how some bitch ‘scratched the shit out of my balls last night man’ or how you ‘never go to class and I just missed the exam so now I’m gonna fail huh huh’ YOU ARE NOT COOL OR HOT AT AWL so why don’t you go make a bonfire out of your yankees fitted caps and go take your wang for a nice refreshing dip in some hydrochloric acid. This world definitely doesn’t need you to procreate any more of your kind. (OMG u guys! You are so0o0o not cool or HAWT. Kthanxbai.) Anyone know where I can get some acid?
MOAR BITCHIN’
CRAZY? PROLLY...
Dear Indian chick on the 5th floor with the lovely voice: Mind taking your boisterous business somewhere else? Your 9 am on Fridays keep waking me up from wonderful sleep. Sincerely, Your earsore, cranky, and sleepless 4th floor neighbor.
To the asshole who tried to charge me and my friends “15 bucks a dude” at 2 am friday night for your shitty ass buttsauce party: your shirt was so fucking tight i was about to rip it off and wrap it around my cock because my penis has more girth than your bitch ass torso. Fuck face!!! (You have issues...and this is coming from someone who has issues also.) To my fucking douche bag roommate who plays Call of Duty all the fucking time! GET A FUCKIN LIFE YOU TOOL!!! Try and study for once. I fucking HATE you and everything about you!!... you are a bum who has like 2 friends here at Rutgers. Go smoke some more fucking weed you cum guzzling barbarian thunder cunt. You’re a Mongolian twat waffle and I hope you fuckin melt from being a piece of shit in the sun. O yea.. and you snore so Fucking Loud. I just want to punch you in the face every single morning!! To the girl who hooked up with that guy who had ex-girlfriend issues. You slept with him didn’t you? Well he got what he wanted. You are probably some annoying, ugly skank who got fucked up that night. My boy got his dick wet and he don’t give a shit about you. Boo Hoo. Don’t bring your whiny problems here because you have self-esteem issues and are too much of a hoe that you give it away to the first guy that says hi. Eat a dick. To the Mac and Cheese takeout at Nielson, you smell like horses o_O (The mac & cheese is actually made of horses...so are the tacos.) To the boy who was checking me out in the CAPS waiting room; Really, dude? Do you know what people go there for? Or are you just too fucked up to care? - Girl who’s tired of being ogled (I think I’m just going to leave this one alone, but usually relationships that start in CAPS usually end up with someone crying in your bushes at 3 in the morning. Stay awaaayy.)
To whoever left their digusting gum on the floor in the locker room of the c/d rec center, thanks a lot asshole, I accidentally stepped in it. Way to be respectful. By the way you missed the garbage by a good 30 feet. (Are you fucking kidding me? People get herpes from walking around barefoot on that floor and you’re bitching about gum? STFU. Seriously.) Dear Complacent Boy: Thanks for forgetting about my birthday. Sad part is, I called the play before it even happened. That means you’re slacking. That’s a big problem. So, um, you really want to keep seeing this face? Step your game up. Because, word to the wise? I have investments. With a shitload more assets than you do. That will be all. Sincerely, Smart Girl with MANY Other Options (Yeah...no one cares.) To the Women & Gender Studies Department; You really aren’t helping the situation by sending large amounts of SPAM to everyone’s inbox. There is also the fact that no one can read the tiny font either in the emails. To the fat hobo kid who never takes notes who sat next to me in the front row, you smelled like dog feces, the dog hairs from sweatshirt made me nearly collapse into an asthma attack, please sit in the back so everyone can breathe. To my roommate, Stop fuckin every black frat guy you come across...its disgusting.. you neat freak self righteous BITCH...I wiish yu scrubbed your pussy as much as you brush your fuckin teeth...ohh and take out the trash more bitch!! (Scrubbing that area may cause infections...)
THE MEDIUM
From the very confused mind of Spicy Caramel Things to remember when using the magical Facebook 1. Don’t tag your friends as random shit. It just pisses everyone off. I have been tagged as a pencil case, a plastic cup, and a stuffed animal and you know what I did? Fucking untagged myself. 2. Do not post pictures of accidents. Especially personal injuries. No one cares about your bruises you got falling down the stairs because you’re a drunk retard or the fact that half of your bumper is missing off your car. Truth is, no one really cares. 3. Do not stay idle on Facebook for like, 5 hours. The reason for this is because people will get all excited and try to talk to you and when you don’t answer them, they feel sad and dejected. This is because you are an asshole who forgets to log off and exploits people’s fragile emo0tio0nzzzz. CLASSES
U cAn’T rEaD tHiS
To the dickwad who wrote about the Indians in his chem class. I know who you fucking are. Everyone does you piece of obnoxious shit. You’re just mad that our race is superior to yours and that the prof raises our enthalpies so high that our vapor pressures are on the brink of bursting our isothermic containers. So suck on that ferromagnetic fluid bitch. To the girl in my Calc 2 class; Shut the fuck up before class. Stop kissing ass and telling her much you lover her lectures. You talk about random shit to her and she obviously is just talking back to not be a dbag. Dear Kid in my Human Evolution Lecture, I will explain why I was watching Scott Pilgrim. The subject at the time was a basic Biology review, such as Mitosis and Meiosis; I have covered these subjects 3 times and so became bored during the lecture and decided I would do something fun like watch Scott Pilgrim. About the sexual escapades I would not credit that to lack of knowledge regarding Human Evolution and would credit it more to my lack of charisma and self-esteem, just to name a few. Sincerely, The Scott Pilgrim Fan. To my Spatial Data Analysis class; I really, really am trying very hard to like you, but your computers suck and Lucy Stone Hall just gives me a lot of nightmares.
Stupid fucking weekend one. You didn’t have to sit and wait at the rsc for 10 minutes when no one was getting on. Made me miss my goddamn train. Hey bro, next time you say something personal to your other bro, don’t tell the world about it, especially in next to the take-out line b/c that fact that I heard you say that she sucked your fucking dick hard out loud after you hugged her is real classy. (That’s probably because it never actually happened. Sorry brah.) To all the thunder cunts who walk around campus with their straightened hair, tiffany’s bracelets, leggings, eyeliner, fake nails, ugg boots, and smug attitutdes: get off your proverbial high horsies, you’re not Paris Hilton and you look and speak exactly like the chick sitting right next to you on the REXL. I know most of you don’t care, but you should actually send in your personals to personals@
themediumonline. com because, the site is just for whiny proclaimations of love and all of that stupid shit...
Yeah, I don’t know why this is here either 0.o
WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Wednesday, February 16th, 2011
“I miss my old job as a Taco Bell sauce packet.”
F E SCARLET V E CREATED BY The In-Shane-iak R
STUDENT OF THE WEEK
Name: Ekjot Grewal Year: Senior Major: Cell Biology Neuroscience Job: International Tea Trader Resides: Library at the corner of Bartlett Food: Penne vodka (hold the curry) Drink: Johnnie Black on the rocks Sports: Racquetball Interests: Kendo, llamas, Sanjay Gupta, gator boots, pimped out Gucci suits, magnets and how they work, BEARS.
STUFF YOU PROBABLY ALREADY ASSUMED First, he’s like a boss, just wanted to get that across. This pretentious bastard known as Ekjot has seen the movie “Space Jam” over 60 times and likes to ride his magic carpet across College Ave. between classes. However, he’s often found on Busch Campus where he has been seen heckling Asian drivers. He fears ninjas will try to attack him after publishing this story. Fortunately, he was once part of a military escort in Honduras and is well-connected coming from a family of doctors and engineers. “People say I’m a stereotype...but I will make more money than you.”
WHAT’S NEW? ALBUM REVIEWS!
Sun City Girls MATTHEW DEAR By Alexander Goldstein
ACROSS
DOWN
2. Third-world conditions 5. Big “Dick” on campus 8. Not Alexander 9. Black & white toilet paper 10. Red door of disappointment 11. Thirsty
1. Health food 3. Not a manga site 4. Super pharmacy 6. Communications (that’s the answer) 7. Olde Queens
going inshane: A Commuter’s Tribute to Rutgers
Last week, I let my anger get the best of me but I’m not going to let it control me this week. I may hate Rutgers’ bureaucracy but I love it for everything else it is to me. Rutgers is truly a beautiful school from the crowded buses to the dirty bathrooms. I don’t live on-campus or off-campus, I live in East Bumblefuck, N.J. and it takes some time to drive here every week. Despite my annoying commute, I am happy that I have a chance to sit in traffic on Route 1 for a half-hour. Furthermore, I’m glad to see every other driver on Route 18 is texting and not looking while they switch lanes. My blessings multiply when I finally reach College Ave Campus. Not too many people can say they find a silver-lining to having to park on the fourth floor of the parking deck each week. I, however, find this as a great opportunity to stretch my legs going downstairs. My workout routine doesn’t end there as I still have another mile to go to my class in Murray Hall. There are so many good things to look forward to strolling down College Ave each day. You can always count on a few awkward moments making eye-contact with people from last semester’s class that you never spoke with. And how can you forget almost getting hit by angry drivers that have been waiting at the Stone St. intersection for six hours? Like I said, you really can’t complain. Above all, my favorite thing about the Rutgers experience is meeting people. Between discovering the new Student of the Week and being forced into groups during class, it feels good to talk to someone that didn’t graduate from the same high school as me. Commuter life may suck in many ways but at least it allows me to appreciate the little things that others often overlook. I challenge you, the reader, the student, the human being, to do something awesome this week. Try talking to your bus neighbor. Introduce yourself to the lonely kid in class. Step outside of your comfort zone and make a new friend. Don’t stalk them on Facebook though, that’s just creepy dude.
By David Colaco
Black City Electronica Funeral Mariachi Experimental Rock Bless Matthew Dear. He has The most accessible record by somehow managed to make an the Sun City Girls finds Sir Richard electronica album that is simultapop oriented and stylistiBishop and his brother Alan craft- neously cally promiscuous. His style has ing the sounds of Arabic and Indo- remnants of minimal techno, house, nesian folk with other influences and electro-pop. Though he has rooted in the soundtracks of Arabic released multiple albums over sevfilms of the 1960s. There is a sense eral different monikers, like Audition, and several remixes of bands of loss on this record, and coupled like The XX and Spoon, his work with the fact that the band’s drum- under his given name is where he mer, Charles Gocher, had died dur- shines. His unique mix of soulful, ing the album’s production, this be- low timbre vocals mix with scrupulously matched samples, synths and comes more apparent. A beautiful drums to create complex soundalbum. scapes.
Your Weekly Event Planner Rutgers Symphony Band Performance
Thursday, 8:30 pm - Nicholas Music Center New Jersey Diversity Career Day Friday, 10am to 3pm, RSC
Laugh to Heal Comedy Fest Fundraiser D!!!!! SAT - 8 PM RAN G E L L. Brown ERIC R O F Ath. Center President’s Weekend Parade on Albany St. note to self...roads will be blocked from 9 to noon this sunday
THe MeDium meetING FRE EA every Wednesdays at 8 pm DM ISSI in rm 4 1 o of RSC O
N!
YES, THAT IS A RANDOM PICTURE OF A WHALE ABOVE
Lady Gaga was in an egg!!! OmFgZ dude!!! Did you see it? Did you see it???!!! events@themediumonline.com