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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIX Issue XIV
KKK to Obama: “Scoreboard! Scoreboard!” Washington, D.C.- White supremacists today pulled what historians are now calling “a dick move” by reminding Obama that he is just one President out of forty four who is not white. “Scoreboard! Scoreboard!” said Ku Klux Klan media correspondent Larry White. Although the KKK is confident that they have accurate figures, it is still contested that Rutherford B. Hayes (Republican) was actually the first African-American President. Hayes, elected President in 1876 took Samuel J. Tilden (Democrat) to the proverbial hoop by being the only President elected through a Congressional Commission and also displaying some sweet Krunk moves. During his Presidency, he ordered U.S. troops to fire upon striking factory workers while yelling the phrase “Potomac Riverside Mothafuckas!”
You Totally Knew the Answer to That Question in Class Yesterday New Brunswick, NJ- Yesterday’s class proved a difficult one to sit through after you were going to answer the professor’s question but you weren’t sure if it was the right answer so you kept your hand down and let someone else handle it. But when that douche in the front row said the same exact thing you were going to say, you totally texted your friend about it. I mean seriously, you totally would’ve had that one. Whatever. Like you care right? “Caring about class is totally gay” your mind just said. “I bet that kid watches some weird anime show or something that is about big tits and robots. Yeah, what a fag. You’re glad you’re not him.”
50¢
February 4th, 2009
Harmonix Debuts ‘Street Busking Hero’ at Video Game Conference BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
San Francisco, CA- Even though Harmonix, the company behind popular franchises such as Guitar Hero and Rock Band, has enough money to finance a small war in the Middle East, they are constantly researching new ideas to revolutionize the video game industry. After two months wait, Harmonix announced at the International Conference for Video Games that it is going to release Street Busking Hero later this month. “Finally, people can pretend like they are living on the street, making 23 cents a day and sucking a dick for crack each night” said head games designer Mitch Detweiler. “Players can choose from 13 real life improvised instruments used by the homeless in major US cities.” Similar to Rock Band’s peripheral devices, Street Busking Hero employs the traditional guitar and drum set with some new additions like the dirty pickle drums, half empty bottle of Johnny Walker Red and straws taped together to form a Peruvian Pan-Flute.
Pictured here is the entry-level starter pack accessories for $1,200 On top of the new instruments, the songs have been revamped to take full advantage of destitute life including a “bum solo” mode where players can rack up impressive scores by raving on about government mind control or fluoride in the water. The game itself will retail for about $65 with peripheral instruments costing about $188 each bringing the cost for the full experience up to $2,509 USD.
“I think that the desire to pretend like you are filthy and jobless, occupying the same piece of pavement for weeks at a time outweighs the cost of the experience” explained Harmonix CEO Brad Fisher. “The upshot is that this game will make you poor enough so you have to use your new found homeless skills to survive. Who says kids aren’t getting enough outside time these days?”
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THE MEDIUM Contents
Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
News News Features Opinions Arts Personals Dicks + Chicks Whats Shakin’
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13 Page 14 Page 15 Page 16
NEWS “So where did the snake go now?”
Last Night I Saw A Film As I Recall It Was A Horror Film The Core Is The SHIT (It’s Radio)
Wal-Mart Announces it Will Roll Back Time Bentonville, AK- WalMart founder Sam Waldon announced that he has constructed a time-machine out of old NASCAR mugs that can travel to the past. He plans to use this machine to go back in time and prevent the economy from ever happening. When asked about his plan, Sam...
Continued on Page 23
3-Day Outlook Thursday
Expect new icons to replace High: 20.6? last semester’s. We spoil you Low: -8 x 1 guys way too much.
Friday
Total darkness. No sun. Oh, High: 0010 and tons of vampire sex. Like Low: 01100 TruBlood but on Skinemax.
Saturday
Steelers fans finally bring High:Weed themselves out of alcohol inLow: Dope duced comas.
Editorial Staff Spring 2009 Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Colin Fong John Bender Gary Klimowicz Paul Winters
News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editor Personals Editor Photographer What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Staff Artist Staff Writer Staff Writer Staff Writer Faculty Advisor
Jake Lewandowski Keith Lawrence Carmella Luczak Reven MacQueen Dave Imbriaco Kaitie Davis Tim Swanson Abe Stanway Paul Winters Colin Fong Carl Weathers Ice- Bounty Hunter Fake Uncle Jack Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and not necessarily shared by The Medium, or the authors themselves. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Mama Brower adjudicating Cover Photo: Selma Hayek Corrections: We apologize for last week’s article entitled “Why Pandas Aren’t Fucking Anymore”. The zooligists’ name was Dr. Winston Grupa.
Wednesday, February 4th, 2009
Cook Students: “Why does this place smell like shit?” By Cal En Staff Writer
A poll that all firstyear Cook Campus Students were required to complete has finally had it’s results compiled and the result of “Why does this place smell like shit?” was, as it has been for every year since the start of the poll, the most popular choice. The poll’s purpose was to gauge incoming students’ greatest questions regarding their campus of residence, with options such as “When is the dining hall open?” and “What is the easiest way to participate in on-campus activities?” as
two sample questions. However, every year the most popular question by a margin of over 50-70 percent has always been the one calling in the campus’s distinct odor into question. “I came here expecting to have a quality education in the Biological Sciences, and instead my nostrils are assaulted by a small that I find most offensive,” says Kent Haberfield, a Cook Campus first year student. “I am honestly blown away by this disgusting and unpleasant sensation.” In the comments section of the questionnaire, many students went into
greater detail, referring to the smell as “ghastly” and “putrid”, among other descriptors used. While the actual cause of the smell is as of now an unknown combination of the mounted police, farm, seeing-eye dogs, and other assorted animals that reportedly “run amok” on the campus, it has been a point of concern before, when three years ago an entire tour of prospective students had to be admitted into the intensive care unit of St. Peters because of what was described as “The most pungent thing ever inhaled by anyone ever.”
From the Desk of the Editor in Chief Greetings, puny earthlings, I am the new Editor in Chief of the venerable “The Medium” paper of Rutgers University. Many of you will not read this editorial because it is not on the “Personals” page. Well, fuck you. Moving right along, I just want to introduce you to MY Medium. It’s a little different, but mostly the same. We still publish weekly, we still try our best to be funny, and we are still awesome. You wish you were us and your mom wishes
to something, something. I dunno. Fuck. Anyways, there’s not much point to this beyond the usual call for help/input. We really, really, really need submissions from our public-at-large. The Medium is, like NPR, completely dependant on it’s consumers. However, unlike NPR, we don’t really ask you for donations of a monetary nature, but rather donations of your creativity and time. While we can and will survive as a paper, giving you, the school, a quality entertainment. It is more
preferable if you guys give us a little to share. I know there are funny people out there, and if there are LISTEN. SEND SHIT IN I’LL LITERALLY HI-FIVE YOU. Well, whatever, you guys are just going to skip to personals anyway. Enjoy it, I’ll be up here, with the quality writing. Just kidding, personals are good too (I’m just better/the best.) Enjoy your times, Colin Fong Your Editor in Chief
A Special Note From the Managing Editor Hello all of you faithful readers and/or those who thought that this was the Targum on budget cuts! As your brand-new Managing Editor I believe it’s time to inject knowledge coins into your brain slots. First, Freshman. So you got A’s in your courses last semester? That’s great and you should congratulate yourselves for making it through alive. Before you do that, would the following Freshman exclude themselves from the brouhaha: ALL FRESHMAN. Reason? You are all expected to pass this year with flying colors especially first semester.
Expos was tough? Give me a fucking break. All you had to do was link sources in the same paragraph. Oops! Did I sum up the entire course in 12 words? Stop whining and go to class. Next up, Obama supporters. Stop. Just stop. He won. History made. Stop The last thing we need is a Smug storm to sweep through New Funswick. Finally, EON (Empower Our Neighborhoods), you realize that you and your part-time student-residents are costing the city and it’s full-time residents tax money by fighting them constantly and the last time
I checked my computing device, the economy is shit. Also, democracy works best with less people, not more. More shit gets done. I’m looking at you, CK. Now I do realize that people might not like being called out by a Supreme Overlord of Campus Publications but dem’s da breaks. In other news, WE SELL ADVERTISEMENTS! Go to www.themedium.net to see our rates and discounts! That’s it. Wait, where is the Snake? Dammit Snake! Have a tolerable 2009 y’all. Johnny Challenger Managing Editor
THE FEATURES Wednesday, February 4th, 2009 MEDIUM Fear And Loathing In Washington DC Now that a black guy is President. Are we white people still THE MAN?
By Fellatius McDoogal
The Medium wanted to send one of its top reporters to the swearing in of the first African-American President – No! Not Billy Dee Williams, even though we would like that to be true – it was Barack Obama. I arrived on a Saturday in the place where a man goes to become truly corrupt, Washington D.C. I was staying at the Marriot Wardman Hotel and was just 1 out of 5,000 other University Students. Kind of like going to an actual university, except we’re wearing suits! High five! It felt like there were eight proms going on at the same time when people got us all shuffled into a room. After some being pushed around and wiping some sauce on the back of some guy’s suit – he’ll never know – they called up our first speaker of the week, Tim Russert’s son...that guy! Now I’m sure that The Meet the Press Guy’s Ghost would be proud to hear that all his son did in college was drink and smoke pot excessively, he actually told us he did too. But what makes him different from the rest of us is that he got to interview a bunch of politicians, including Barack Obama, whether he was drunk or high during those I have no idea. But wouldn’t those be funny interviews to see. After stories of playing beer pong with Sarah Palin and doing a keg stand with Joe Biden, he managed to tell us that youth vote...blah blah blah...important...we are the world, we are the future. We all heard this speech before, so a bunch of left and decided to do something that every politician does in his pastime...bar hopping. After waking up the next day in my suit and realizing that I was capable of walking to my hotel room, I remembered that I had seminars to attend. Since I was already in a suit, all I need to do was spray on some Axe, brush my teeth and wash my mouth. I’ll take my shower later and besides I think it’s a compliment when people tell me that I smell like John McCain. My first seminar was with husband-wife political duo, James Carville and Mary Matalin, and if you do not know who they are...fuck it, Wikipedia them. Before the event, I made an educated decision to use the bathroom. While I was washing my hands, James Carville walks in. The other guys in the bathroom give each other a look like “Did James Carville just walk into the bathroom, I must be tripping balls.” He is an awesome guy, because he started talking to us while he was peeing with one hand on his waist like he’s Mister SwaggerCock...so awesome! But he probably would have started talking, even if there was no one in the bathroom. I managed to shake his hand, after he washed it of course and say, “I liked you in Old School and that Brad Pitt assassination movie.” Boy did I feel like a retard for saying something like that. After the seminars they took us to the University of Maryland to see Colin Powell. Y’know, the other black guy in politics. Trying to get on a bus with other 5,000 kids makes you feel like you’re in a zombie I Am Legend type situation, all trying to get on the same bus and since it was negative ‘freezing my balls’ degrees outside. Colin Powell said stuff about this and talked about being an African American during his time and now. At that moment, I felt proud to be an African American...in a white boy’s body.
We managed to see the concert at the Lincoln Memorial and see all the celebrities up close...on a Jumbotron. They wouldn’t let me get any close cause I’m just a civilian and they told me that my vote really doesn’t matter. Who knew? You had a bunch of celebrities there like Tom Hanks, Kumar (Editor’s Note: Because Harold was TOTALLY ON THE ENTERPRISE BITCHES) and U2 – the Holy Triumphant, I think. After the concert and Obama’s speech, we did the next best thing...more bar hopping. On Monday, we saw Al Gore and he talked about important issues...nah I’m just kidding. He just talked about the climate change. I actually felt like I was in the movie An Inconvenient Truth and I actually felt like I wanted to slit my wrists. Back at my hotel, before I went to the Mall, Anderson Cooper just popped in my elevator. No joke! I wanted to ask him if he was gay, cause everyone tells me he is and his Wikipedia page doesn’t say anything. But all that came out was, “You were the host of The Mole right?” He laughed and said “Yea”, and once again I felt awk-
One day, Billy Dee Willaims AKA Lando Calrissan AKA Brian Piccolo, you’re time will come to rule this nation. One day.
The Inauguration of Billy Dee Williams, umm I mean Barack Obama finally came. But George W. Bush spoke first and the sound speakers were not working in my section so we could not hear, well that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but that would mean we would not hear Obama. After a couple of minutes, they got the speakers walking and we heard that great speech. After the event, I pushed many street vendors selling the same Obama buttons and shirts out of the way and tried to find somewhere warm. Thank God for Hard Rock Cafe. You don’t know what warm is when you’re eating a cheeseburger right by Jimi Hendrix’s guitar. One word to define that night without sleep...epic. That night, I wore my tuxedo to a Gala held at the Smithsonian. My line to get in was that I was the guy who knocked up Britsol Palin. That I was Sarah Palin’s son-in-law, it worked. I didn’t even try to get into the MTV Youth Gala, because the line wrapped around 3 buildings and MTV sucks. I managed to make it on a bunch of news stations, like MSNBC, jumping like I have tourettes in the background. My final night in DC, I decided to go out with a bang...bar hopping. Well, it was a great couple of nights, and I learned the true meaning of being an African-American...in a white kid’s body. Thanks Barack Obama for showing me that and good luck.You’ll need it.
This is the Mall during the Inauguration Can’t you see me, I’m right there. In this general area I’ll give you a hint: I’m the guy with his arms in the air ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS James Carville AKA The Ragin Cagin AKA King SwaggerCock This guy was in the same bathroom as me, and I didn’t get raped?
THE OP/EDS Wednesday, February 4th, 2009 MEDIUM Allow me to in- What Will Happen in letters to troduce myself... 2009 (hint: You’ll still be broke) the editor bitches “She BLINDED me with SCIENCE!”
I just mosty have to fill up this space that way this page doesn’t look like one huge blank spot which for most of you, might resemble your lives and I also have an actual JOB in which I need to get up at the ass crack of dawn and delete SPAM all day. All you guys really have spicy caramel to do is write a really long personal. Feel like venting about that crazy bitch who decorated the entire hallway during Christmas time? That douche Frosh who yelled some unintellibigle remark I’m sure you all have very at you on Friday night on interesting lives that involve the bus? This is the place getting drunk and/or stoned for that type of shit. and staring at Juicy Campus or some other stupid And remember, if you have retarded shit that you guys a problem with what I write do in your spare time when about or how I write it, just you’re desperately trying to remember that your probpass your classes. Anyway, I lems are what I write about. am really interested in what Really. Your complaints, you have to say. Seriously. I stupid activies, and anger mean that. Ok, not really.... are what keep me going! Whoa ho peaseants! My name is Spicy Caramel and I am your new OP/EDS editor as a result of our very complicated voting process we have here at the The Medium. Of course, you would know that if you people actually came to some of our meetings but hey, that’s ok.
The drunk kids on the bus go “932za7r`=” You know what I hate more than that annoying bitch in my dorm who sings at one in the morning? Stupid drunk ass “gangstas” on the bus. Especially the ones who like to stand up and fall all over the place when the bus starts moving. “Holy shit dude! The bus is FUCKING moving!” Wow. Imagine that? A bus that moves. This particular incident took place on Friday night when I was in my own nice little happy world filled with sunshine and rainbows when I was rudely interrupted by a non-intelligible “hey whereyougoingtonight?” After I managed to decipher the drunken assault to my ears, I said I was I was going to the RSC. Apparently, they found this particularly funny. Of course, we all have different senses of humor. I myself would of liked to see that kid who kept yelling
“All aboard!” everytime the doors opened fall out of the bus because that would of been fucking awesome. Oh and their little friend who asked if I was going to study? No, I wasn’t but clearly to you, the entire concept is far too big for your alcohol infused brain. That’s ok though because you’ll probably graduate in 2050 at the rate you’re going. In fact, I was going to the RSC to write about douchebgs like you that somehow manage to get into this school by connections with their mafia family because you are clearly too fucking stupid to do anyting yourself. I can’t wait until midterms roll around! Apparently you’ll turn into one of those crazy stressed out kids who end up playing in traffic in Route 18 because you just “Can’t take it anymore!” Epic failure.
Wondering if it’s a good idea to leave the house this year? Well, we’re not called The Medium for nothing! Plan your year based on my convincing gut intuitions!
danger pasta January: You will have gone the entire month wondering where the Medium has gone. You must rely on other news sources and thus your only concept of what is going on in the world revolves around the naive ambition-driven obfuscations of your student government. See? Right already! Scary ain’nit? February: NASA spacecraft “Dawn” will stop by Mars to take pictures of the Martian surface. Ms. McGregor from Moab, AZ will wonder why a camera crew is filming a model rocket ship in her backyard. March: A college basketball team will win the NCAA title. It will not be Rutgers. It might not even be UNC, but Tyler Hansbrough will still be the only basketball player the media really cares about. April: A senior will realize they are three credits shy of graduating on time and will shit themselves. Then they will wish they hadn’t done that. May: That same senior will, realizing the futility of his efforts, blow off the rest of the semester drinking himself senseless every night... and then shitting himself at random spots on Hamilton. Watch out. June: The European Parliament Elections will take place. What countries are considered part of the Eu-
ropean Union at that point is anyone’s guess. In the ensuing mêlée over the reapportionment of seats, the United States will attempt to discreetly place itself on the roster. July: The longest lasting solar eclipse of the 21st century will be visible in several countries in the Far East. China, with all its astonishing technological advances, will explain the eclipse was brought about by Xianchu, the dragon who swallows the sun. August: Absolutely nothing. You will wake up every day wondering how you can jam pack as much wild and crazy fun as possible into your day, until suddenly the whole day has gone by and oh shoot, you have to go to bed so you will continue this planning tomorrow September: The world’s tallest skyscraper will be completed in Dubai. It will make all future space station maintenance flights unnecessary, as astronauts will simply be able to access it from the top floor of this building. October: The fiscal year will come to an end. The deficit will be a number that no one has ever seen before. November: Rutgers learns that it will host the first annual Mattel.com Real Loving Mommy Baby Gotta Go Doll Bowl. December: Dubai will build an even taller skyscraper, just ‘cause they’re bored. Builders will be frustrated after construction is impeded by the edge of Space.
Diet Pepsi an attempt to kill us all Fuck diabetics. We don’t need Diet Pepsi in our world. Took one swig of that there shit and it corroded my mouth and burned all the way down... and it didn’t even taste good! I tells y’all, the Pepsi Cola Company/Corperashun or whatsever has a master plan. A PLOY rooted in the unexplained continual commercial success of Britney Spears-endorsed products. Heck all they gotta do is get her dancin topless on a soda machine draggin her titties ever’where piggin out on cheese n grits and there’s nothin’ we can do about it. Just bend over like a bunch of squealin piggie coke whores (or in this case, Pepsi), asses in the air, bowing to a bonfire of exploding Pepsi cans with Britney and whoeverthefuck else is evil laughin it up and there’ll be no one there to stop em! NOT A BODY! -James Harvey, who is legally obligated to disclose that he works for Coca Cola, gosh darnit
Earning Potential of Rutgers degree a scam Man, I got a B.S. degree alright. Shit, man. I, like, heard that a Rutgers degree is ranked number five for earning potential so I’m like, dude, that’s solid. So, I tried selling it— always had luck selling back my textbooks on ebay... but I got ten fuckin dollars for -Danger Pasta did not grad- it! Man, this is uate summa cum laude from not tight, dude. Harvard or Yale. Danger -Mark (“Tater”) Lay –class Pasta is a plate of spaghetti, of 2008-ish
why some people never actually graduate from rutgers Upon returning to New Brunswick after Winter Break from an undiclosed location, I have to admit that I did miss the magical place full of complete dumbasses known as Rutgers. Why? I’ll tell you why, because you can’t find the shit that goes on here anywhere else in the country, (and probably the world) than here at Rutgers, New Brunswick. Where else can you sit next to a Blood on the lovely NJ transit system, get harrassed by a crazy homeless man and his female/male friend for extra change, and listen to the RUPD try to make rap songs with their sirens? I’ll tell you where, FUCKING NOWHERE except here!
ARTS
Wednesday, February 4th, 2009
“There are a lot of shit references on this page”
Video Game Reviews By Mojo Morrison
2008 in Retrospect 2008 has come and gone. I know what you’re thinking, “yeah no shit its February dude. Get with the program.” Well screw you, we started printing this week, so all the stuff that I needed to talk about over winter break is regurgitated here, so listen up. Anyone who plays video games knows that this year had lots of bad games and lots of good ones. But mainly bad. So here I will be listing some of the best of 2008. Don’t get on my case about. OMG U DIDN’T MENSHUN MADDEN 09 OR CALL OF DUTY. UR UNKEWL :( Relax, I’ll be around all semester. If you want to write a better game review then do it yourself!
Persona 4 With the advent of the PS3 and XBOX 360, the PS2 is starting to get swept away. Persona 4 was released in 2008 unbeknowest to many next gen console owners because they were too busy waiting for Gears of War 2 And Call of Duty: World at War to come out. Oh my god, you shot and
killed something, and now you’re going to do it again. Wow... Anyway, Persona 4 is a mixture of a traditional RPG and a SIMS game. While controlling the protagonist you can choose to travel to an alternate dimension and beat the shit out of monsters. Or you could stay in school and make friends. The more friends you have, and if they are really good friends, they you’re powers are stronger in the alternate world. One bad thing, the introduction is longer than an entire fucking Final Fantasy game. Expect to put up with a two hour cutscene before you start kicking ass.
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FUCKING HEAR ANYTHING. I recommend playing it in a closed room with the lights off and the sound turned all the way up. There is nothing more satisfying than the crunching sound you get from stomping on an alien after you slice his leg off with a fusion cutter.
Resident Evil 4: Wii edition
Take Resident Evil 4, add in Wii remote controls, its a no-brainer. The gameplay doesn’t sacrifice itself to accomodate for the motion sensor. You really get the hang of the WiiDead Space mote and nunchuck after a few minutes and are able to Use power tools to enjoy the delicious satisfaccut off the arms and legs of tion from cutting up zomaliens on a space ship. Great bies with a swing of your graphics, the game is scary Wii-mote machete. as hell, and the controls are nice and easy to get used Grand Theft Auto IV to. For the best experience, don’t make the same misAnd then of course... take I did and play it in a loft There’s GTA IV. Have you in your house. God, every 5 been questioning your sexufucking seconds, “Turn that ality, well here is an litmus TV down I’m watching TV.” test for yourself you don’t I wish I could review the like this game, then you are sound, BUT I COULDN’T a fag. It’s that simple.
Come to a meeting of The Medium Busch Student Center Room 115 Wednesday 9PM We’re Nice. Trust Me
THE MEDIUM (In the words of that baby lotion factory down the street “No mo’ tears homestahs!” I am back to process your petulance!) To the PA state government: fucketh you. Because of the hiring freeze resulting from your “financial crisis” I can’t get a paid internship.Anywhere. What kind of overachieving college student’s gonna work for diddly squat? Because of you thousands of poli-sci students will enter the workforce having no idea what the fuck to do because they decided to forgo experience. Someone’s gonna accidently push the big red button and initiate the Giant Laser Beam O Death from Space, that’s what’s gonna happen, yeeeeaah. (well, it doesn’t seem like sticking to conventional statesmanship is working out so well anyway) To my bitchy neighbors on Sicard st., You are the worst human beings on the planet. If you have something to say to me then say it to my face instead of leaving a fucking note on my car! What the hell is your problem? Seriously, you skanks don’t even have the balls to say shit to my face, but believe me, next time I see you, you’re getting a curse out. (Shit yo, someone be openin’ a can of verbal whoopass on Sicard!-someone alert the media! No wait, you did... because I’M the media... MMHWA H A H A : : l i g h t n i n g : : hahaha! ho ho. ha. ho... eh heh... ROSEBUD!!) I groggily rolled out of bed and pulled open the blinds, only to be greeted by a congregation of about forty snowmen, all gazing at me intently through their coalblackened eyes. I slowly let the blinds back down... today was going to be another one of those days... To the girl wearing the sweatpants with Corona emblazoned on the ass: GASP! You’re in college and you drink BEER?! You’re ass is so BAD!! M
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PERSONALS
The day of reckoning, 2009 “It would be even more useful if we could negotiate naked and on television, Mr. Kissinger” To the slut in my dorm, stop To the creeper in my reThe Norwegians are If K.F.C Stands for trieval and evaluation having sex with boys or at leaving! The Norwe- Kentucky Fried Chickclass: you look like you least break up with your gians are LEAVING!! en, why do they play “Sweet Home Alabama” boyfriend first. im sure he own a rape van and you To the dude in the bright have a very prominent on the commercials? would appreciate it if you green Pikachu beanie: why bald spot. What are you gave him the heads up about (Because “Sweet in the name of AliceCoothe crabs too. PS- back doing in college when Home Kentucky” is a perInWonderland is your off, the boys mine you are 50 anyway? shameful oxymoron) face sparkly?! Do you (Did you NOT JUST INFER (What are you doing in make Keebler Fudge CookTo the girl who was atthis gentleman you desire college when you are ies on a part time basis? tempting to moonwalk anyway? ...yeah, has undoubtedly contracted 20 in Tillet: you bring crabs? Do you want crabs? that’s what I thought...) Whoa, was that just a shame to Michael JackDo you know I just like say- The roommate likes to bunch of pop rocks I heard son’s already shamed ing crabs? Crabs? Crabs?) est her chips very loud- or is that the sound of a self. And that’s a pretty ly... especially when I’m feral student taking a crap damn hard thing to do. I dropped my $5 into a pile doing chem...why does in the bushes? I knew (Moonwalking in Tillet? of my little sister’s Barbie God hate me so much I should have changed my mind when I saw my Might have been her atmoney and now I can’t tell ? class was on Livingston... tempting to digest whatwhich one’s mine! Damned (Because you did not send ever she just injested. And (There are bushes on money with the pinkish hue! that chain text to at least you just passively watched Livingston? Or are you I went to buy a box of Spe- six of your closest soul sisher suffer while you wrote referring to the tumblecial K but all that was in- tas did you? DID YOU??!) this personal. Good job!) side was a bunch of cereal Would you call my vacuum weeds? Thar be a wilTo the couple who exderness out ther, yee-ha) l e m o n p a r t y cleaner a carpet muncher? changed their ABC gum, Dear friends who work at stretching it out like pizza the Neilson Dining Hall. cheese... as if watching orPlease never subject us dinary PDA wasn’t gross all to doo-wop ever again. enough already, you have My R&B conditioned ears to take it to new heights. cannot handle music from (Might be very practical half a century ago. I nearly actually. You could either went into a boogie seizure! tongue for 20 minutes (So did I just now, but that’s or save your energy for How to write a because I was too lazy later and just pop their DELIGHTFUL per- to get a tissue and snort- gum in your mouth. Saed a bit too vehemently) inducing germ sonal, from the The cabinet in 449 has liva/sore content of both acts is Girl Personals suddenly become a black just about identical) oven of steamI’ve noticed that dogs reEditor herself!!! Dutch ing malodorous death. ally seem to like it when 1) Close your eyes and imagine yourself drifting off to a (I tell you it wasn’t me) they ride in a car and stick very unsettling and unhappy place. Now open them. Are their head out the window, The coffee in the Livingsyou in the same place? Well done, you’re on your way! so I thought I’d be friendton student Center is the 2) Develop a keen misanthropy by alienating yourself ly and blew in my neighshittiest coffee on the blemfrom your peers. This can be achieved by carrying yourbor’s Rottweiler’s face. ished face of the planet. self in a manner that will actually take you places in life. Now I don’t have a face. And for your information, 3) Still suffering from writers block? Understandable. Just To the girl in the bathroom there actually is a type of allow your inspiration to come to you. At Rutgers, this should stall talking loudly on her coffee made out of shit, take about a good ten seconds— unless you are hiding in a cell phone, I wanted to and it tastes way better. box silently crying. Which is also perfectly understandable... make something shitnifi4) If you are not going to make any sense, please, for the Hot dog buns come in a cant in the next stall over love of all that is poodle-ish and on fire, do not drag us pack of ten while hot dogs but the time just was not along your stream of consciousness for a 300 word eternity themselves only come in a right. You’re just lucky 5) If you are going to make sense, throw a bunch pack of eight. Doesn’t this it wasn’t nacho night. of confetti in the air because I have yet to see that! clue you off to the sadism 6) Hot dogs are the rudimental cause of all of hot dog manufacturers?? Silly raisins, get out of my fuckin cookies evil—from spoiled milk to Kathy Lee Gifford. Why Does Pluto Live in a dog house, eat dog Girl Personals Editor forcefood, etc. but Goofy, who Girl Personals Edi- You found a cure for your fully vomits ingested soap is also a dog, lives in a tor needs a bath erectile dysfunction? Several animals were condo and drives a car? Girl Personals Edi- Whoop de doo, put it on a harmed in the maktor gets a bath billboard why don’t you? (Because Pluto actually ing of these personGirl Personals Edi- Oh right, you haaave makes a modest income als...however, none of tor attempts to eat soap because that’s why I’m while Goofy does jack shit) them you’d find too cute MY hallway smells like a reading it in 5000 pt font I tip topple over for Do you has lots of probmental hospital. My hall- as I drive along 222. my fun loving nun! bums? Can’t afford a way IS a mental hospital. To the kid who got caught psychiatrist? Appar(Really? That’s crunkently that is what I’m Dear Grandma, sorry about in the bus door, I think your mundo (pronounced as you here for! Send me your you getting food poison- ego got stuck in there too. would “fundo”). What, hot burning shit at ing, but it would help you don’t get it?? Well I I have eaten one too personals@themedium. if you cleaned the pandon’t get what the fucksters many cat kidneys n e t try once every few years you’re talking about either)
Wednesday, 4 February 2009 Welcome back, mother fuckers! Miss us? Thought so. Well, it’s time for Personals Spring 2009, courtesy of your editor, Satanic Yoda. to whom it may concern: I want Metalocalypse back on cartoon network!! the tyranny has gone on long enough. shit like king of the hill doesn’t deserve ANY timeslot, let alone two of them, and Sperjail! is nice but i can only take it for so long! I needs me somes dethkloks. (I second this wholeheartedly. Metalocalypse is the fucking shit (if anyone remembers when Little Naughty Bagels was here, we had weekly Dr. Rockso references. Miss it? I don’t care) and King of the Hill is absolute shit. I mean really, Mike Judge isn’t funny, sans the obvious Beavis and Butthead, but still. Bring quality programming back to Adult Swim!) To the girl in Neilson Dining Hall wearing a CRASS shirt: That rules sooooo much, I wanna know you. Whoever does the weather forecasts for the Daily Targum, boy you fucked up December 9th, by 45 degrees. (You only noticed that one mistake that the Targum made? Dude, your naivete is simply fucking astounding.) To MikeTeel:Thanks for taking leading us to 3 out of our 4 consecutive bowl games, see you in the CFL. (Because only the CFL would be desperate enough to want Teel’s worthless, inconsistent, interceptionprone ass. Too bad the XFL (anyone remember that shit?) doesn’t exist anymore, Teel could be right where he belong with other retarded football failures/ pro-Wrestler wannabes.) To peoples who wrote stupid articles in the targum. I’m sorry if my tomfoolery on the internet computers has you waitin’ to be studyin’. But I really like to look at funny pictures of cats. LOL. I mean, you’re not going to make any spiritual progress with your essay or slide studying presentation whatever. I am transcending feline spiritual bliss man. But sorry.
PERSONALS
“Coffee: It’s better than Prozac!” To the realy nice first year Hello assho-I mean, Dearest Medium Readers, NSO girl: your way more cute then you probably give In light of our continuing effort to make this page suck as youself props for. Here for little as possible, the Bitch and I have been devising ways a great summer! Oh and by to motivate you pricks into submitting stuff for us to the way, I am a sexy biatch print. We’ve tried death threats, kidnappings, assassina(I think you just sealed the tions, sexual favors, promsing to make the Jonas Brothers deal that you will never shut up (we killed them anyways, whiny little faggots), get anything from said simply demanding that you send in stuff...you get the NSO girl. I’ll even go idea. In light of the apparent failure of all of these, we’re step further and venture a trying something new. So here’s what’s up, pay fucking guess that you’re a lonely, attention! creepy virgin and will probably die that way, pervert.) The Bitch and I will take our favorite submissions each wishing a special congratu- week and save them for a “Best of the Personals Seclations to our good friend for tion” at the end of the semester, where we will rerun winning every round of fuck them. People who submit said personals can choose to you pyramid on sunday be recognized (although we won’t pair your name with night! way to go man!!! your submission, that would get a lot of people in a lot to the five drunk guys who of trouble) as people who are funny and cool. Besdies, got in the elevator on the how cool would it be to have your name in The Medium? 4th floor of Clothier the Now stop beating your meat and/or roughing up your night of the Louisville game clam (“and” to account for all the hermaphrodites here) and accidentally hit the but- and send in your best shit, you might get to be famous! ton for every floor except Oh, and the place to send stuff is: the 7th while you were makPersonals@TheMedium.net ing out/giving each other BJs, thanks. I figured something Now you have no excuses. Death Squads will be checkwas up when all of you rushed ing up on all of you..... out of the building pulling up your pants and giggling ~Satanic Yoda and The Girl Personals Editor like girls. Don’t worry Dear Professor, if you can’t Arthas, I’m coming for - I never forget the face read a clock properly and you, you fuckward Lich of a retard (in this case, see that you’ve kept us in King motherfucker! I’m all retards) but luckily for you I class 15 minutes after class epiced out and I’ve got a pydon’t take revenge on groups should have ended, I doubt roblast with your name on it. with Down syndrome, you your credentials for actually (I wonder how many people already face enough being a professor. Consider know what you’re talking difficulties as it is. a different career choice for about...Probably more than you have my prayers. all of our sakes, and for the will admit, since they’re Ryan Cooke’s A love of god take a fucking afraid they won’t get laid Newspaper Slayer. shower. You smell like shit. ever again if they do.) Anus! To my Islamic Civilization To that rotten, inconsiderate Slim How much wood would professor: why did it take bitch at the DDC computer you so fucking long to make lab who insisted on printing a woodchuck chuck... a god damn syllabus? I 400 pages while a line 10 IF A WOODCHUCK NO HEAD! mean, really, how long does people long was waiting to HAD it take? Just pick some ran- use the only working print- (From the Girl PersonEditor: CRABS! dom class days to write the er: seriously, fuck you. My als word “EXAM” on the page friend and I had to print out Blah blah blah blah blah and hand it out. Unless you 2 pages of stuff EACH be- blah blah blah blah blah were too busy being all der- fore our classes in 10 min- blah blah blah blah blah blah ka-derka on us, get your shit utes but you felt the need I CREAMED MY PANTS! together and run the fuck- to inconvience a fuckton ing class, or ALLAH WILL of people and monopolize STRIKE YOU DOWN, the printer for a good 20 M O T H E R F U C K E R ! minutes, and that’s not inPaganfest 2009: Korpik- culding the time it took the laani, Eluveitie, Primordial, retarded consultants at the Moonsorrow, Blackguard, lab to refill the toner AND Swashbuckle. How can this paper after you were done not sound awesome to any? with it. If I see you again (I’ll be there, along with at the compuer labs, I’m sethe rest of my house.) riously going to choke you I need to warn everyone with my 8 inch dick, tear off about a horrible epidemic your tits and then rape your sweeping Rutgers Frater- eye sockets with my nuts. nity houses: BRO RAPE! Seriously, if you’re gonna Save the tight little assholes do shit like that wait till at of RU bros and report any least midnight when there’s bro rape that you hear about, no one around for you to before your bro is shitting selfishly delay their lives blood from a bad night! any longer than it has to be .
THE MEDIUM
Hey! I’m the new kid! I like to skateboard! Maybe we can be friends, I promise I’d never do anything to ruin our friendship, like poop my pants! (You’ve seen Derrick Comedy, I presume.) To the dumb skank in my Psych 101 class who sits in the back with no books, listening to your stupid white girl music, dancing like a retard. They give you headphones for a reason so WHY THE FUCK do we all hear that shit across the room?? does this look like a fucking party to you?? do us all a favor and turn that shit down or get the fuck out bitch You gotta love how the people writing the Centurion think they are being persecuted by Rutgers. They always declare that the left-wing peoples are always going too far, when they themselves are going way overboard. It’s like sayin’ “I’d rather shoot my brains out then drink this bottle o’ arsenic.” Either way you die. People are fucking dumbshits... Topics in Math for the Liberal Arts is fucking retarded. Dear bitch who was singing in my dorm at 1 in the morning: die. Your singing makes my ears bleed. To the shady-ass landlord my friends and I talked to the other day: I wouldn’t be surprised if you were secretly trying to rape the girls you just gave that upstairs apartment. You are so fucking skivvy that you put pedophiles to shame. (Anyone who can out-skivv a pedophile has some talent for that. They’d be good at the priesthood.)
Hey, you, Fuckwad! Get off your lazy, fat ass and submit shit to personals@themedium.net. Or, if you’re feeling super-motivated (or bored), come to our weekly meeting at the Busch Campus Center Room 115 and play “Count All The Asians” with us. First place gets a BJ!