THE
The Entertainment Weekly of Incompetent Presidents Forced From Office
MEDIUM
Wednesday, February 6, 2002
www.themedium.net “Or do we deal with a disadvantaged population that doesn't have that genetic, hereditary background to have a higher [SAT] average?
Our Loss The University’s Loss
Volume XXXIII, Number 12
EDITORIALS “YATTA YATTA YATTA YATTA YATTA YATTA YATTA YATTA” Wednesday, February 6th, 2002 Looks Like somebody wants some... First victim of the season. poor sap... First of all scumbag (i shall refer to you as scumbag since you are too afraid to put your real name on your, ahem, “response”, if the Medium is no place BY SOMEONE UNDERSTANDABLY TOO for commentary, it is an even worse forum for a half-assed attempt to appear EMBARASSED TO PUT THEIR NAME ON THIS smarter tham I. If you are so sure of yourself send your attempts to diss me TO Explicit Negro, why don’t you get a clue about what you are talking about, ME instead of posting them anonymously in the Personals. God I hate a coward. before you right some political commentary? First off, it’s not like So let’s go. anyone turns to the Medium for political commentary, but anyway, if you’re going to bother waisting your time writting one, it might as well be I never said anyone was justified in killing anyone else. What I said was correct. You seem to be under the impression that Israel is an Aggressor that these people are obviously desperate if they believe that suicide bombings of the Palastinians, so they are free to go into Israel and blow them are the only political tool left. No matter what your skewed perceptions are, selves up, because that’s the only voice they have. Where did you read that? In The Daily TarSCUM? Do you even know the history or reasons behind Israel has all of the power in the Middle East now. Power is money, and Israel is being supported by the richest nation in the world, US (you can read that as “us” the Israeli-Palastinian conflict? You state that Ariel Sharom was responsible for slaughtering hundreds of Palestinians in Beirut. Do you or the U.S.). When it comes to nations, size doesn’t matter pencil-dick. Israel even know why Israel entered Lebanon? It was because of the Lebanese Civil has the most advanced weapons and tactics of any Arab or Muslim nation, War and the fact that the PLO was attacking Israel from there. Granted, including I dare say, pakistan. How do you think Israel managed to fight off the mission got out of hand twords the end, but I believe that after an much of the rest of the Middle East in the 70’s? A well trained, dangerous army internal inquary, Ariel Sharon was not found guilty, yet you, some and up-to-date weaponry, that’s how. uneducated Rutgers student has the nerve to call him a murderer. The Jews have land the size of the state of New Jersey and the Arabs Yes I do know my history, I’m just able to look at it objectively. And I have 76 nations. Ya Israel’s the do know why Israel enetered Lebanon, but I also know that that is no reason to aggressor. The Israeli occupation has to be one of the least aggressive go stomping all over someone else’s country without any thought for who your occupation in history. They let the Palastinians have their own stomping. I have no hatred for Arabs, I actually like ‘em. To say that it’s “acciinstiutions (who do you think armed and trained their police force? The dental” that one country’s army kills a bunch of people who they obviously Israelis. The same guys who they armed are now using their own weapons against them to slaughter civilians. Really seems like Israel is the despise is more than a little naive. And oh yeah, I never called Sharon a muraggressor here). derer, you did sparky. You may be putting words in my mouth, but at least your You quoted the BBC. Boy, could you pick a more anti-Isarel still helping my argument. news agency to quote? Go to http://www.honestreporting.com/ and get a clue before you write something you know nothing about.
Edward says to go to the Medium meeting and meet all of the interesting Editor-Persons there. Ein Woof-Woof says to go too. First send JohnPerson articles at heterofrenzy@yahoo.com, then go to LSC 113 AT 9:00 Wednesday night. I may bring my Tomato. Evolutionarily we have been fucked and it has lead to some of the most horrible behavior possible. Rape is a common event and probably the most scaring (and funny) thing that can happen to someone. Teen pregnancy has become a major problem and most of these poor bastard children don’t even know “who they daddy is”. Moreso than that people just fuck anyone anywhere any chance they can. While this is fun and all, trouble gets started and then people die of horrible diseases that quite possibly started because people thought it would be cool to fuck animals. One little evolutionary change and people may have been better off, and I can sum it up in two words Dog Cock. A dog’s penis has a knot in it below the head, and after ejaculating it fills up with blood and the male dog cannot separate from the female for a few minutes. If people had this feature I have a feeling rape would be a lot less common since said rapist (meaning you) would be stuck in his victim for a while, giving her time to identify him, and with his rape lust now exhausted, she might be able to kill him with a brick or something like that. Random sex might also be a little less likely because honestly how many of you want to sit there all awkward and stupid trying to make conversation because you cant pull you’re dick out of someone you barely know. And since being balls deep in a sheep for a while would just be embarrassing if you got caught, bestiality would go into the history books as well (but necrophilia might go up, so there’s another upside!) not having a knot in you’re dick made you the filthy pervert you are today, so do what I do and blame God.
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Cover by: Troy Crowder
What’s Shakin’ Nothing Nada Ziltch Zip
THE
MEDIUM
CONTENTS
fnord
“They let the Palastinians have” They let them? In a place of equality, it is impossible to let anyone have anything. By your own admission, Israel is giving Palestinians the rights (and taking them away) as they see fit. By your own words anyone can see that is is Israel in control of the Palestinians, and it is Israel who does not give them an equal voice in government. Maybe if things were closer to equal in Israel tensions might calm a little. So scumbag, the BBC is anti-Israel? Wasn’t Israel a British preotectorate? First of all, how can any any news agency be antiIsrael when Jews control the media? (yes people, that’s a joke). For most of my life I thought that
Israel was the victim, now in recent years, with the hardline stance that Israel has taken since Sharon became Prime Minister, I see that things have changed. I learned to form my own opinions instead of getting my opinions from the media.
BY SUZIE Q I was flipping through an old issue of The Medium when I noticed a cartoon discussing how the female vagina smells like sushi. This got me to thinking of the dilemma I currently face with my boyfriend and that I’m sure thousands of girls face nationwide: the outright refusal to engage in cunnilingus. My boyfriend often taunts me, telling me it smells like bad fish or a garbage dump. The teasing is all in good fun, but still, no matter how much I beg him or how drunk he gets, he still refuses to take the dive. It is even more frustrating when I would be more than willing to do anything, and I mean anything (Let your imagination run wild, let’s just say anal sex and handcuffs are definitely involved) to please him. He often refutes this fact with a remark such as “I don’t smell” or something of the like. This is true, but he sure as hell burns when he shoots it in my eye. I think the smell is musky and natural. I often like to go down on guys after they have been in me. It adds flavor and makes me feel naughty. Anyway, I don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining, but guys should definitely do it for their girlfriends, even if they receive no joy out of it. As for me, there’s no hope, but if there’s any guy who’s willing to just go down on me for hours and then leave so I can go out with my boyfriend whom I love dearly, then give me a call. Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Michael Wyzard Mike Ryan Jessica Chandra John Minus Ryan Beckman Martin Babitz Amy Groark Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors
Carol Hu Ritch Boblenz What’s Shakin’ Editor Aija McKenzie Online Editor Ian McLorey Advertising Manager Jessica Chandra Staff Artist Oleg Zeylikovich Staff Photographer Elizabeth Finelli Senior Editor John Q. Minus
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to wyz@eden.rutgers.edu. Our phone number used to be (732) 373-7085.
News
“Bye Fran... hello Fred.”
Fred The Toupee Kicks Fran Lawrence’s Ass
Anti Rally Rally Paradox Confuses Hippies by Mark Spivey
By Ryan Beckman
New Brunswick-This past Friday Rutgers University was thrilled to hear the news that President Fran Lawrence was resigning. While it seemed that he was doing so willingly, this reporter found the true cause for his resignation. Thursday night is a night synonymous with partying, not just for college students, but also for some faculty… and even some faculty hairpieces. Fred the toupee, Fran Lawrence’s longtime “life mate” has a tendency to drink a bit when he has the chance. This past Thursday on January 31st Fran was looking to buy some good pornography. After finding some French Canadian smut, Fran stepped Ex-President Fran Lawrence outside and was greeted by a group of fourth grade showing graduates how to epileptic girls armed with prophylactics. The grade suck dick, a talent they will all schoolers immediatel began to pelt the man, who need to perfect to land a job. was our University’s president, with their unused Jimmyhats. In Fran Lawrence’s hasty escape he focused too much on avoiding the condoms and not enough on keeping his hairpiece in tact. He lost Fred. Shortly after, the Toupee wandered into a bar and, reportedly consumed 4 times his weight in beer after taking 4 shots of tequila out of a random New PresiMexican immigrant’s anus. After becoming wildly intoxicated, dent, Fred, Fred the Toupee called for a cab.At approximately 5:50 a.m. Mr. kicked Fran’s Lawrence greeted Fred at the door and instructed him to leave ass in grade the premises immediately. “I’d just had it with him drinking all school too. night and expecting me to take him back whenever he staggered home” Lawrence said through tears. After a brief argument, Fred jumped up onto Fran’s face and “face-fucked” the ex-president. “He made told me that I was his bitch and that I had to do what he wanted. I told him that I was a big boy, even a University president… and that’s when Fred came in my eye. He told me that if he didn’t want my eyes sealed shut with his ejaculate while I slept, that I would resign as the President of Rutgers. Fred’s one sick fuck… he’s just doing it to show everyone that I’m his bitch… but I am, so I can’t do anything about it.” After hearing how bitched Fred kept Fran, Rutgers University has appointed Fred the Toupee as our new President effective immediately.
Attention: Public Service Announcement
bitch about the latest war or disease or Let my husband hunger out of jail... outbreak I those boys asked want for “it”. t o bash their fucking heads into the wall until the tiny little lump of gray shit they try to pass off as a brain leaks out of the remains of their skulls. Are you going to quote that?” Needless to say, they are prepared for any flak they might take from the occasion. Already, the R.S.A.E. (Rutgers Students Against Everything) is planning a counterstrike. Their leader, Ronald Hilgenberger, is quoted as yelling across College Avenue “We’re not entirely sure what they’re protesting against, but the fact that they are protesting against protesting means that we must protest this distinct animosity towards protesting. Therefore, next week we have planned an Anti-Rally rally rally....wait...AAARGH!!!!” At this point he was castrated by an angry mob who heard his ramblings and automatically assumed that anyone uttering such stupidity must be the author of the local comic strip “Mattia”. It was later revealed that it was not him. However, a local man was quoted as saying “It’s just not funny. I hope whoever’s really responsible for it gets anally raped by someone with gonorrhea.”
CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com
Wanna be cool? Send News articles and... well, just send News articles to CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com
it’s why your parents sent you to college.
Come to a Medium meeting in room 113 of the Livingston Student Center at 9 tonight.
Come to a Medium meeting in room 113 of the Livingston Student Center at 9 tonight.
CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com
by The Sushi Lady Recent government studies have shown that the number of people infected with the AIDS virus in the United States is drastically decreasing, probably because those damn fags are all dying. Now this poses a dire problem to the rest of the heterosexual community. Because of this decline, pharmaceuticals will lose hundreds of mil“I get paid to have buttsex. lions of dollars in therapeutic Isn’t this every man’s dream? drugs, tons of funding will be cut Besides... I just get AIDS... it’s off from, there won’t be any more not like one of those incurable AIDS walks for Rosie O’Donald diseases” - Justin Timberlake to participate in, and worst yet, NO more gay porn. Activists all over the country are rallying in an effort to spread the importance of contracting AIDS. After school programs are being established in the elementary and middle schools, and slogans have been painted on billboards across America with messages such as “AIDS: It never lets you down” and “HIV is cool, do it in school.” Groups such as the ACLU (Aids can love u) have also hired Justin Timberlake to be the official spokesperson and have even recruited top Fashion designers such as FCUK to put the message out on shirts, sweaters, bras and thongs. President Bush has also ordered the immediate halt of production of condoms until the crisis is resolved. We at Rutgers must also do our part. The fraternity community has already devoted RUSH week to educating freshman girls about the importance of contracting AIDS every night from 10:30 p.m. to 1am on the College Ave. campus. Greg Schiano, RU football’s head coach commented that “this AIDS epidemic has been hitting the team hard this year. We’re organizing a big group orgy on the steps of Brower Commons for sometime later this month to help remedy the problem. Gays only, please.” So do your part at Rutgers and go get laid, and if you really can’t find a way then just come to the Medium meeting on Wednesday and we’ll help you out.
New Brunswick-The Rutgers world was rocked yesterday as the big news began to spread across campus like wildfires over the Serengeti. The first annual Anti-Rally Rally will be held this Monday on the steps of Brower Commons to protest the distinct presence of interest over various issues. Public response has been mixed: A local hobo who gave his name only as “Bruno” was quoted as saying, “It’s about time. I’m sick and tired of all the high gas prices around here.” Mysteriously, Bruno suffered an apparent quadruple heart attack midinterview and died. A baby on Somerset Street was quoted as sobbing loudly and annoyingly until our reporter, Trish McGuninness, silenced it with a blow to the head. The baby was later pronounced dead, apparently another victim of SIDS, or Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, a disease which claims the lives of young children, with no apparent cause. Needless to say, all interviews have been suspended until further notice. The organizers of the event, Dave Winzicki and Mark Spizey, say that they have their reasons for wanting to hold the rally to end all rallies. “We’re just sick and tired of coming over to College Avenue and seeing people protesting stuff”, Dave says. “I mean, February has just been declared National Yeast Infection Awareness Month. How far do we let this go?” His partner, (yes, we mean sexual), Mark couldn’t agree more. “Every time I see one of those lice-infested, potsmoking, Frisbee-throwing liberal hippie waste-of-space windbags
CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com
Wednesday, February 6, 2002
POLICE BLOTTER • 16 Cook Students were arrested for “violating” each and every animal on the campus including Freshman John Karple’s goldfish. • Senior Bob Platke was taken into custody Sunday night for knocking over mailboxes.
After Bob proclaimed “they started it”, Police administered a drug test and found horse tranquilizers in his body. He is currently being raped in prison • Ex-President Fran Lawrence’s hairpiece was seen “skull-
fucking” a hobo. Upon arrival the Police just laughed at the dying man. -Ryan Beckman (The above info was provided by the mother of each individual)
Features
“Goodbye and farewell, sweet prince.”
Wednesday: The 6th, 2002
Alternate Header Quote: “With all due respect sir, you’re wrong about the beards.”
My Name is Jim Conroy, and I Eat Dreams
The Small-Dicked Man’s Guide to Prophylactics By Ben Schachtman
By Jim Conroy As I set out nightly on my walks through the desolate nightscapes of the city of New Brunswick, I get a good feel for the seedier sides of town. When you’ve been doing it for as long as I have, you get to know every dangerously crumbling brick and burned out streetlight. But, as I’ve been noticing lately, you don’t have to feed on strictly human brains any longer - no sir, because a hearty meal of dreams instead can keep that spiritual hunger at bay. Remember the tools?!? First you have to oil up your surgical tools, Tupperware containers, and all that. Afterward you have to clean up! Even I couldn’t tell you how many times I found myself crawling around on my stomach, searching for a place to plug in my 100ft-extension cord at 4:30 in the morning! So I decided enough was enough, I tried a bunch of new things, and dreams I found to be much more fulfilling and less likely to stain your favorite suit. The only tool you need is your branding iron, to tag your herd so that you don’t confuse them with another’s, and so that Zaravustra knows what is His when He comes for us. But I digress, the Great One aside, dream eating is absolutely fantastic. A particularly vibrant dream can keep the beckoning hunger away for nearly 10-20 hours, and by then, its nearly noon, more than enough time for me to focus on my collection. Now I know what you’re thinking, no it’s a collection of toy boats I’ve been working on since I was 16. It’s actually one of the most recognized collections in the field… for real. I’m only missing the Regatta 2600 1/100th scale, and the spearheaded mast for the Chesapeake Blue. If someone were to split open my skull, and eat my dream, the Chesapeake Blue would be a generous part of their dinner. They would drink in the rich Teak finish of its hull, taste the washed blue stripes that gently trace its aft, before the wonderful desert of it’s Certificate of Authenticity, explaining that it is one of only five hundred created. Five hundred. Perhaps if Zoravustra is kind, when he consumes all I will be gifted a real fleet of 20 Chesapeake Blues, patrolling the reddened sea, and dining on the last scraps of real food. But until then, seriously folks, I can’t stress it enough! I’m sure almost anyone would agree dream feasting is the way of the future, in fact, I’d bet my jr. high school teaching job on it.
Prostitution For Dummies: A Beginner’s Guide to Paying for Sex
In golden times past, the miniscule man was forced to fold his condom over his tiny tool and strap it on with a hair scrunchee. However, since the tragedy late last year, it has become un-American to make light of anyone’s plight (except the Palestinians, they’re still fair game), and that includes you Mr. Small Dick. So with you in mind, we present a comprehensive, and scientifical, guide to prophylactics. Comparisons were made based on the following four criteria: *Snugness of Fit: Like a one armed fat girl in a pull-up contest, your normal condoms are just barely holding on, so a primary concern will obviously be how well your prophylactic clings to your dong. Condoms were rated from best to worst, 1) Like a virgin, 2) Like a glove, 3) Like a mitten, 4) Fran Lawrence *Embiggening Factor: Let’s face it, you don’t care about AIDS or pregnancy, you’re looking for that elusive illusion of extra millimeters in girth and length, thusly, another primary concern will be how much these babies can plump up your penis. Condoms were rated based on female reaction. *Fortitude: Even with sexual intercourse occurring as regularly as once per congressional term, the sheer force of your repressed ejaculate is barely measurable in pounds per square inch, and you’re bound to be concerned about whether your seed will be safely netted. Condoms were rated on efficiency. *Realitude: Despite your unfamiliarity with the actual tactile experience of the vagina, you can be pretty sure it feels just like a handful of microwaved Herbal-Essence shampoo. Will it still be a totally organic experience with a layer of latex in the way? Condoms were rated on Charlie Sheen Enthusiasm Scale. Tests were performed at the Department of Alcohol Studies on Busch campus, from a random sample of small penised men. Snugness of Fit and Realitude were gauged by self-report questionnaires filled out after the tests. A panel of freshmen sorority pledges, all of whom volunteered, were selected to gauge the Embiggening Factor. Fortitude was gauged by a regression correlation with prophylactic rupture. To ensure a norming consistency, sexual intercourse was simulated using a cored and boiled Italian Eggplant. The prophylactics tested were chosen based on recommendation from Robert Wood Johnson’s Dr. Gary Lionheart. The following condoms, although not marketed as such, were designed and created for penises with smaller than average girth and length: LifeStyles Snugger Fit, Trojan Ultra Fit, Contempo Exotica (originally marketed as the Contempo Oriental Express), Exotica Snugger Fit, and the difficult to find but well worth the hunt RFSU Mamba. Which one is right for you? See if our test results can help.
by Brian Benson, staff writer If you’re anything like me, you really love whores! I feel that prostitution is one of the things that makes our nation great. Both men and woman can enjoy the convenience and fun of paying for sexual release, yet many are afraid or unsure how to go about contracting a sexual professional. To all of you I offer this simple, quick instructional article, follow my advice and in no time you to can be one of the proud, select people who pay to get off! Disclaimer: Neither The Medium or Rutgers University promotes prostitution, which is illegal in the state of New Jersey. However I do promote prostitution and think you all should do it. The first step when deciding to pay for sex is choosing either to call an escort service or drive around screaming out your window, "whores, got any whores? looking for whores here!" The escort service is more discrete with high class whores that look like flight attendants or the girl next door, yet they could all suck a golf ball through a garden hose. The problem with these "escorts" is that they cost a lot of money and many times they try to rip off their "customers." If you choose this way of paying for ass, be aware, oh and also make sure the "escort" ISN'T your Mom. That happens more than you would think. (Lord knows that’s true --Ed) If you want to get a whore and you don't have a lot of money to spend, New Brunswick offers several "discount" whores that will do almost anything for a few quick bucks. I recommend Remsen Ave. near the Cook/Douglass campus, if your whore having all her teeth isn't such a major concern. These are the perfect "ladies" to hire if you want to urinate on a whore, or make them service more than ten of your friends at once. New York City used to be the Mecca of prostitution featuring whores for all price ranges, however Mayor Guilliani cleaned the city up and chased most of the hookers away. What that means is you have to be creative to get a good whore in the big apple. My advice is to hang around the Port Authority bus station. The arriving buses from the Midwest are full of Midwestern runaways looking to earn $7.00 the hard way! Sometimes you can even get them for free by pretending to be a hot shot movie producer casting a new film. After a few practice shots for her "big break" she will be putty in your hands, as long as you don't try to pee on her. (I also find that suggesting goods or services is a good idea in leiu of payment for prostitutes. For example, you might offer a loaf of bread or a hot meal in exchange for the most debasing and humiliating sexual act. Or of course there’s always blackmail. --Ed) Paid sex can really be a refreshing break from the strains of dating, and these days you never know where your date has been, with a cheap whore you know exactly where shes been, and how much she charged! So go out there guys and girls and get yourself a whore, and tell 'em ole' Brian sent you.
Those unwilling or unable to decrease their ejaculational pressure through masturbation or testicular venting (a medical procedure, not attemptable at home), may want to consider the Life Styles Snugger Fit for its perfect safety record. For the rest of the petite phallus crowd, the reigning favorite was the Contempo Exotica. Although intentionally designed for those who suffer penile jaundice or AMPS (Asian Man’s Phallus Syndrome), the Exotica was extremely popular amongst a wide variety of ethnic groups, from the small penised Jew to the rare and beautiful small penised South African Black, and even the small penised transsexual Korean. As for its slightly flawed track record, think of it this way: you’d have to have sex ten times before you spermed up some poor girl. And if you’re having anal sex, you don’t even have to worry about that. For these reasons, we choose the Contempo Exotica as the supreme condom for men whose bumper stickers read: Mini but Mighty. The only thing better would be not having a small cock. H-H-Hey Fuckers! Feel like joining our youth gang? Come to LSC 113 at 9:00pm tonight, and look for the people knifefighting. W-W-Waaarriors!!!
P-P lea se
Kil lM e.
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The Very Small Medium Poetry Corner: The Umf, by Paul There I sat lonely hearted, Came to shit but only farted. It was the Nielson food that I ate, It makes me want to constipate.
Wandering the streets of New Brunswick, I gave my ass a swift-ass kick. The starter in my 22-year old car broke, So it was "Picken Chicken" that I started to choke.
I was there for quite a while, Easing out a grunt and then a smile, I was lost, with no home or bed. At least that what the "Green Print" said.
Cook campus is a bore, Except of course, for the fourth floor Perry whore. In her bed, I had regularly slept, After I came in 60 seconds, she often wept.
Cook campus is nothing like what it was when I came, Those fascists forced me to hijack a plane, In purgatory I will wait, Till all the virgins at the CCC, meet their fate.
My answer, Paul... is good lord, bad. Very very bad.--Ed.
Wednesday, February 6th, 2002
“You failed Shaping A Life?!”
Amy’s Television Odyssey Chapter 2: Battlebots by Amy Groark January 8th was a day so important that it easily justified the 90 minute drive from my boyfriend’s house to mine -- the season premiere of Battlebots. My fascination with this show puzzles me a bit, as I am not very interested in other sports or robotics. But welded together in hour-long blocks, the result is a tantalizing show that captivates geeky girls who otherwise have little desire to watch “significant” televised events (like the Super Bowl, or the State of the Union address). The way the show presents the fights between robots this season is somewhat more chaotic than last. In last season’s episodes, the commentators spent a lot more time on each bout and went more indepth on the bots’ histories and capabilities in the Battlebox. Granted, they do show at least 7 fights per episode -- last season they only showed 6 -- but I think the producers could do a better job so that the show doesn’t seem so fragmented. There seems to be a new temptress for every season -- when Battlebots first aired, it was the cute yet anonymous blonde chick. Last season it was Traci Bingham, who would playfully flirt with the guys on the teams she interviewed after a match. Now they’ve gone hormonal and hired Carmen Electra to act sultry and talk about how much smashing robots turns her on. I don’t care how hot you say she is, she can’t read a damn teleprompter. Those stupid clips are a fucking waste of my valuable robot fightin’ time. But these are just minor quibbles that don’t really interfere with the buzz I get from the metal-on-metal action. My high points for this year’s battles: - Son of Whyachi, who proved to be damn near invincible last season, spun out of control in its match against the unassuming rookie Swirlee. Nearly all the damage to Whyachi was self-inflicted, but Swirlee was awarded the knockout. - Bad Attitude, one of my personal favorites, now has another wedge for when it’s upside down. It used this added feature to knock out opponent Malvolio in 2 minutes 31 seconds. - Inertia Labs added heavyweight The Matador to its family of flipping robots, which includes super-heavyweight Toro and middleweight T-Minus. It won in a close judges’ decision against titaniumarmored Omega 13.
Arts
www.themedium.net Because you have nothing better to do. While you’re at it, send me some shit. tequilaxmockingbird@yahoo.com
My Tribute to Francis L. Lawrence People of Rutgers, mourn for us. Our beautiful eleven-year romance with our beloved University president is dying. Yes, the days of this big lug’s mug appearing within our pages are numbered. Not for much longer will you see this mythical creature at various fundraisers or awards ceremonies, or his idiotic grin on the university website. Fran, we hardly knew ye. But it looks as though it’s time to say goodbye... goodbye to you. Goodbye to everything that I knew. You were the one I loved, the one thing that I tried to hold on to... Shit, there I go. You’re getting me all sentimental. All I can do is hope that your successor is as much of a jackass as you, but somehow I feel that no one can quite measure up to you. We’ll miss you, you silly little man.
Son of Whyachi (above) commited hari-kari when it went up against Swirlee, who is now being honored in a ticker-tape parade thrown by the remaining Heavyweights.
Yo, Shithead. (ha, you looked!)
Come to our meeting and meet other people stupid enough to think the paper is speaking directly to them. Wednesday Night, 9:00 pm Livingston Student Center 113 Former Rutgers President Lawrence discusses globalization, Ani DiFranco, and other issues on the minds of Douglass riot grrrlz.
Personals To all Rutgers haters, If you hate Rutgers you are a complete loser because if you hate Rutgers, why do you study here? Because you are a frustrated loser that didnt get accepted anywhere else you wanted! Why dont you try middlesex county college instead? Bunch of losers, you are free to leave rutgers anytime. I do not understand why would someone stay here if they dont like it. I usually ask people why they hate rutgers and they say: "its just rutgers" or "its too big"... are you a bunch of fucking retards?? it makes me sick to see people on their 20's still with no clue of what life is... a message to everyone who hates rutgers: get out! now! what is holding you here? sincerely, you just embarrass y o u r s e l v e s . . . (what’s wrong with this guy? Rutgers is meant to be hated... fucking ru screw...) A&K- thanks for coming friday. It was good seeing you, hope you don’t go into hiding again. A- be careful not to over do things... -C
Unfortunately black turtles aren’t allowed to ride on the bus so this one was forced to crawl through the filth
To that fucking loser in my art history class: get a fucking life. You’re a fucking retard - why the hell do you have to brag about your useless knowledge to the class/professor? We’d be better off if you just shut your mouth and let the professor speak. And why the fuck would I want your fat ass sitting next to me? Next time you ask why someone is saving a seat for another - don’t ask me. Mr. Pubic Hair, Why dont you turn your cell phone vibrate mode on and shove it up your ass, that way you will keep yourself busy calling your cell all day long instead of harassing me on my job! You motherfucker!
“You’re growing a little penis inside of you.”
Wednesday, February 6, 2002
www.themedium.net to my sexy boyfriend, i wanna jump your bones i mean boner to those bus drivers, you everytime i lay eyes on you. fuckers break short when there damn you’re so fine i can’t wait play again are people standing in hopes to tonight. And baby I’ll give that they’ll fall. what the fuck is up with that. i have enough shit up the Jeep Liberty. to deal with. i don’t need a bro- (The first thing I usually do ken bone. is give up the Jeep Liberty.)
to the annoying fucks in my silvers apt building: why don’t you fuck off cause i want to make as much noise as i possibly can, without you bitches being a nuisance. if you don’t like the noise, move out!
SEND PERSONALS TO Janice & Dr. Teeth at unibutt@mad.SCIENTIST.com
to the fat bitch in my intro phil Has anyone noticed the great- class- why don’t you shut your est bus driver, Patrick is no fat ass up and save us from longer driving the EE?? Of listening to you. you’re course you all have, you're usu- wasting my time and the ally 10-15 minutes late for professor’s time. we really classes, waiting half a fuckin don’t need to hear your shit. hour for a bus or getting in accidents...yes i said To the bitch that goes by the accidents. The fuckin cock name Laura in Jameson, suckers driving the bus now hmmmm I'm highly upset I shouldn't be so fuck don't know why..wait I do I've academy for firing Patrick or been informed that you're making him leave your bus homophobic or at least make drivers blow major cock. gay jokes. Well bitch its like this, you're in college now, grow the fuck up stop being an immature little brat and go on with life. What did gay people do to you?? Did a girl dick you over or was it a bad experience for you in general? What the fuck drove you to make stupid gay jokes?? Well I don't know which is more pathetic, the fact that To that guy from Tinsley 3rd you're actually making gay floor. You think you are the shit jokes or hiding your sexuality but you are the most "we all KNOW the TRUTH" disgusting creature i've seen at just cause you won't admit rutgers so far. What's up with it....how long has it that afro weird hair you have? been since you had a Dont you look "boyfriend"??? Well I'm done yourself at the mirror? You are for now but in all honesty I hope fucking nasty! You think girls your stupid ass wises up and are into you? Wrong! Only learns making fun of gay maybe the worst type of people isn't cool and if you still skanks you can find in the think it is well meet me by the lets say trailer park! Besides, you puddle are of course a FAT around 12pm tonight so i motherfucker with a fucked up can fuck you up punk.
To Laura in Jameson, i hope you're still single cause i can't wait for the day i get to bang the living shit out of u i've seen you in the media center a few times...being that i work there....everytime i hand u classical music or whatever the fuck u listen to i stare from my fuck rutgers, fuck rutgers, i chair....see you sunday..... would like rutgers to fuck itself Media Center person in the "jeep liberty". I'm glad the power in my shitty building (watch out, seems like goes out constantly and erases you’ve got a stalker papers that i work on... or a new fuck buddy.) FUCK RUTGERS !!!! to Little Mo...I want your sexy (you mean ‘fucking asians on americanized Indian ass. Lets busch are knocking out relive that night when I tried to the power with their bad strip you naked and take addriving and fireballs’) vantage of you when you were passed out. I want you to touch the puss puss and lick my boobies. Teach me your K a r m a s u t r a moves... luv adrienne
face! Man, you are just so fucking disgusting that makes me want to puke! Do me a favor and leave Rutgers!
(fat, nasty, afro weird hair, fucked up face people have (hmm... I’d make a comment a right to study at rutgers but the vibrations in just as much as you do, so (gay = french canadian) my ass feel so good...) why don’t you leave their trailer park asses alone?) To the ass eater from last edition... My ass is your ass... w w w . t h e m e d i u m . n e t MassiveJockXXX
Come join our orgy tonight @ Livingston Student Center Room 113 @ 9:00.
W-Day, February 6th, 2002
PERSONAL! OF THE! MUCH TOO LONG!
Being a Sigma Chi brother is the best. Before I joined, I used to have to jerk myself off, often getting my arm tired in the process. Now I have plenty of willing frat brothers to do it for me. I liked taking communal showers in high school when I was on the basketball team but I remember always having felt disappointed about never got pounded in the ass when I dropped the soap. Here my bros are more than happy to not only literally fuck the shit out of me whenever we take showers together but they also manage to keep going until I jiz. However, the best part of being a Sigma Chi brother is not the men but the women. Or should I say girls? Naive 18 year old freshman fresh out of high school and with an extra low tolerance for alcohol. To the normal Rutgers student, a six pack of Milwaukee’s Best represents just 6 beers for just the price of $3.00. To the Sigma Chi brother, a six pack of the beast represents 6 fat, drunk freshman girls just waiting to have their cherries popped on a Thursday night or 12 ZTA sisters depending on how low your standards are willing to go. Some of you may say that we’re a bunch of pretty boys. That we’re stuck in high school. That we’re bad in bad(if you’re of the opposite sex) and that we’re into homoerotic relations. I would call these people wrong. We are the coolest frat at Rutgers, full of vital young men with winning personalities and once you come to one of our parties and drink about half a keg, you’ll see this too. Scarlet Knight football r u l e s ! ! !
Personals Personals
”You give poop a bad name.” To the Staff of the Medium. If anyone has a plate of something.. I wanna dip my balls in it. To that fucker who was the only kid with an A in my expos class. Yeah we all know you’re the only kid, fucking anus eater. You must think your hot shit, when you can’t even set up your fucking computer correctly. A computer is now color coded so monkeys would be able to notice where to plug the green wire into, it’s pretty funny you can’t and you got an A in Expos. I hope you die a dreadful death of gonorrhea, and herpes they’re both pretty popular at good ole’ RU.
(Monkeys are funny. They have hairy backs, just like my albino cousin, Matt.) To the one named “Peggy” I was highly amused to read your personal last week. However I must inform you that I, the infamous stalker of the ”Hott girl at the Lippincott Sign in desk” am not the one that sent it to you. I have no fuckin clue who you are but am just a little upset as to why you would assume it was me and then call me a “pussy” for not identifying myself...hello bitch are you a stupid cunt? Stalkers aren’t supposed disclose their identity....Don’t hate me cause someone blew your ugly ass spot up. You correctly pointed out that many a girl try to imitate “Hott girl” and you seemed quite defensive of this fact so I have drawn the conclusion that you are indeed a biter of the “hott girl style” or just a fuckin ugly ass bitch period. Whatever the fuckin reason is I don’t give a fuck, but being that you send me an underseving personal I just couldn’t resist the temptation to reply. While I am adressing this issue I noticed you used the word “dyke” profoundly..... being that it is Douglass and there are many a “lesbian” on campus closeted or open.... it’d be a (Obviously all this molesta- damn shame for one of the tion and drunkenness doesn’t fuckin ”dykes” to FUCK keep you your ugly ass up so your back occupied for very long.) watch b i a t c h ! Wear your cigarettes and chocolate milk. seat belt, these are just a couple of my cravings, and cock. i fucker!!! really like cock. a lot. the guy on the right is one sexy mothafucka. bootylicious, in fact.
Hey Goo, What’s new? Paul McCartney (pictured above) is wondering if the groundhog saw his shadow this year. You can tell him by sending one of those “personals” to Unibutt@mad.scientist.com To that hot TA in my MW4 Comm101 class, I think you’re sexy as hell. I saw your tattoo as you were showing it to some chick. I was hoping you would pull you pants lower so I can see(& everyone else) your nice, tight ass during class. The things I would do to you... (Art history TA’s are the hottest. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. Mmmmm...) To that girl I like, have sex with me soon. Britney Spears is not that hot. She just acts like a slut, which turns men on. I have no interest in fucking Britney. Tell her to just go away. She’s caused so much trouble already. Malcolm in the Middle is overr a t e d . to JM- you are such a cute little turtle. I like turtles and you are my favorite. I wish everyone I knew was a turtle. The world would simply be a better place. B y e .
i wish i could still get that stoned <but i can't without ACCESS!!!!> jo won't do it with me anymore, so i'm buying my own from jig at work, I'll find someone, maybe Vans. i can see her point though, i was sneaky about it when i was with jess, and when she found out i was still doin' it, i like stopped, like back in the begining of senior year. there's a girl in school i always wanted to smoke with but shes got a boyfriend and like a whole circle of friends i don't think i'd fit in. gerald ford dead today, and i’m gay. Twat are you saying? I cunt hear you! I have an ear infucktion. I’m having trouble fingering it out. (I
love
that
story.)
To LF-Let’s make music together, let’s make sweet harmony. Oh, let’s make music together baby! You take the do, I’ll take the re, ya better hang onto me, baaaaby
W W W. T H E MEDIUM.NET
To the dyke of an expos teacher I had last semester. I can’t believe you had the nerve to fail me, while passing the crack-heads and kids who came to class drunk, almost passing out while giving a presentation. You were a fucking horrible teacher, I hope you get gonorrhea and find out your cunt licking partner enjoys cock. I contemplated taking your class this semester and creating complete chaos, but I figured RU screws everyone, and those kids had it coming. Oh yeah, if your expos teacher looks like a dyke, talks about gay rights and shit and always.. I mean always wears black you’re fucked. Unless you’re a chick with big tits. (That’s hot.) To those two girls from Douglas that I poured a bucket of water on, you’re really ugly. Especially you with the bug eye, I lied straight to your face saying I didn’t know who poured water on you. Everyone on the floor wanted me to do it; your eye was freaking them out like it freaked me out. I had the hardest time saying I didn’t do it while looking you in the face thinking your eye was going to pop out of your head or some crazy shit like that. You ugly chicks give girls from Douglas a bad name. Now drunk chicks that have a bad cab driver they’re a lot more fun. To The Pathological Liar With No Tits: You disgust me you titless liar. Every day all of house 28 has to hear your big fat fuking lies. What I want to know is when you are planning to die from all the diseases you have acquired over the past 5 months. I wish I could feel sorry for your pathetic little act, but its about time you fuken grew up and stopped being a skanky attention craving whore. You need to go Fuck yourself you stupid bitch. I can’t believe you actually thought that you could get away with as many petty untruths as you have told people. Get a God damn life. No body likes you. AND stop sucking <Rufus Wainwright>’s cock. He’s MINE you whore! <Richard Roeper> WILL NEVER GET PUSSY!!!!!!!! (No tits = No nipples, yeah.) waste space waste space waste space waste space waste fucking
What’s Shakin’
“Secret Cervix Agent 007”
NYC EVENTS Wed 2/6 Wed 2/6 Wed 2/6 Wed 2/6 Thu 2/7 Thu 2/7 Thu 2/7 Thu 2/7 Thu 2/7 Fri 2/8 Fri 2/8 Fri 2/8 Fri 2/8 Sat 2/9 Sat 2/9 Sat 2/9 Sat 2/9 Sun 2/10 Sun 2/10 Sun 2/10 Sun 2/10 Sun 2/10 Mon 2/11 Mon 2/11 Mon 2/11 Mon 2/11 Mon 2/11 Tue 2/12 Tue 2/12 Tue 2/12 Tue 2/12 Tue 2/12 Tue 2/12
Stereophonics Irving Plaza Hemenway Lion’s Den Steve Tyrell Regency Hotel Craig David Roseland Leo Nocentelli The Roxy Nathan & The Zydeco Cha-Chas The Roxy Seth Yacovone Band Tribeca Blues Wingnut Tribeca Blues Amber Virgin Megastore Machine Head Irving Plaza John Taglieri Kenny’s Castaways Al. From Moe. Knitting Factory The Booda Velvets Arlene’s Grocery Nik & The Nice Guys Times Square Zen Tricksters Tribeca Blues The Breeders Bowery Ballroom Dust To Dust Downtime Avant Radio City Music Hall Mary J. Blige Radio City Music Hall Professor & Maryanne Tonic Breaking Pangaea C.B.G.B. Drowningman C.B.G.B. Matthew Ryan Bottom Line The Breeders Bowery Ballroom Avant Radio City Music Hall Mary J. Blige Radio City Music Hall Steve Tyrell Regency Hotel Stand Acme Underground Trip Arlene’s Grocery Defari S.O.B.’S Living Legends S.O.B.’S Tha Liks S.O.B.’S Secret Cervix The Continental
This has nothing to do with the Medium meeting, or Black History Month, for that matter, but I think it’s funny - so send your events to xenawrrprncs@hotmail.com
Wednesday, February 6, 2002
Black History Month in MANVILLE Yessssssss...one of my FAVORITE months in one of my favorite towns...and remember, ManVille gives equal opportunity lovin’ - see ya there! O yeah, and send your events - your shitty band gigs and your stupid club meetings - to xenawrrprncs@hotmail.com
And although Asian Prince is not Black but Asian, he knows that Black History Month in Manville is important, and to celebrate, you should come to a Medium Meeting, tonight at 9 in LSC 113