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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIX Issue XV
Brower Swipe Left in Dorm, Student Bummed New Brunswick, NJ– School of Arts and Sciences Freshman Jack Conner was “bummed” when he was forced to use his RUID number to access Brower dining hall yesterday. “This really fucking sucks because I had to use one of my guest meals in order to get in,” said Conner while he was standing in the sandwich line. “I need those guest meals for when my girlfriend comes down from her school and we go on dates. Worst fucking day ever.” Conner went on a tangent for another 30 minutes about how life is totally unfair and how this kind of shit always happens to him. In other news, twelve New Brunswick residents were evicted after they couldn’t afford rent.
Student Gets Hit by Bus, Updates Facebook After New Brunswick, NJ– In a horrific turn of events yesterday, a Rutgers sophomore identified only as “Bharat Mohan” bled to death after being hit by a rogue bus. Although some experts agreed that he should have died on the spot in front of Scott Hall, his body was discovered fourteen minutes after the incident in front of his computer, where he had recently updated his Facebook status. “It was really scary, you know, [this Indian kid] dying and stuff,” remarked the student liaison of the Winkler residence hall, who elected to remain unnamed. “The second I saw his status update I called the police.” Police on the scene followed a trail of bodily fluids to the second floor suite of the late Mr. Mohan and discovered him slumped over his newly bloodstained MacBook. He had just responded to a comment.
February 11th, 2009
50¢
Cook/Douglass Post Office Workers Miraculously Do Work BY ANGRY BEAVER CONTRIBUTING WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ- Rutgers University Post Office workers located at the Cook Campus actually did work yesterday in a move students called “surprising.” After a whole week of circle-jerking each other in the main office also located at the Cook Campus, the workers looked at one another and decided the mail should be delivered soon otherwise the students picketing outside were going to storm the building and stop the gay fetish party. ”What the fuck? The wireless router I ordered a month ago had ‘delivered’ status for the past two weeks. I’m going to take an exhibitionists’ shit on the next Mail worker I see,” Mason Gross sophomore Jane Moore said with an angry grimace on her face.
The students have been participating in civil disobedience for the past three years outside of the building in protest to their school tuition going to waste by lining the pockets of lazy Rutgers staffers. “We uh, work quite hard to meet the needs of the students. Bob Glasequitoecki over here answers phones 3 times a day. Sometime he is inspired to answer 4, but union contacts stop him from exerting himself. Phone calls can cause calluses, ya know,” said a University official, who wishes to remain anonymous because remembering his or her name requires work. Due to budget cuts, Rutgers had to shut down some of the campus mail offices and fire actual workers who did work. This caused anger amongst the students who have to wait for Rutgers staff to process their shit, which sometimes takes weeks, months, or sometimes just a whole weekend.
“Lulls. I bribe the workers at the post office with cupcakes. I gave the ugly-ass woman 20 bucks and cupcakes last Christmas. I get lots of mail in and she always makes sure I have my shit immediately,” said an anonymous student who is the administrator for what C/D denizens call “the champagne room” of file sharing. “Students do not want to have to bribe officials for them to do their goddamn work,” said protestor I.P. Freely. “Seriously, we’re going to probably do nothing, but man we’re pissed about it! A lot of these University institutions have no accountability. We give them our money and they just piss all over it. There’s no way for us to make sure everyone does their jobs right. So, we’re just going to sit there in front of that building and participate in our drum circles and just be pissed,” said Freely, before passing the joint.
Frat Brothers Can’t Decide on 7 or 8 Kegs for Tomorrow’s Party BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
New Brunswick, NJ- The brothers at Epsilon Kappa Beta house were up in arms Tuesday night when the topic of tomorrow night’s party came up over the din of Madden ’09. Citing a need to “totally get my drink on,” frat brother Two-Gun advocated that the brothers purchase 8 kegs of Natural Ice beer for consumption by house members and party attendees at a cost of $295.92 USD which boils down to about $18.50 per brother in the house. “No fucking way, bro!”
countered fellow housemate GreatFull. “That shit is mad expensive. Listen dude, lets just get 7 kegs and raise our ratio from 4-1 to 7-1 at the door!” After some more heated debate on the floor, Too-Quick offered a new perspective on the issue at hand. “Yo dudes, seriously, we just need to get chicks mad drunk which means that we need more kegs. In these unfortunate economic times, we need to stimulate the economy by providing a source of funds for workers in one of the more profitable industry sectors. Oh, fuck!
Shotty on next game, bro!” After another hour of discussion, the bro-mies of Ep-Beta agreed that raising the girl-guy ratio would in fact turn away prospective hot girls under 120 lbs. while inflating the amount of horny inflated girls exponentially. A vote was taken in the moments after the Oakland Raiders beat the Pittsburgh Steelers 78-62 and it was 10-6 in favor of 8 kegs. The party will be at 11pm Thursday night and a ratio of 4-1 will be enacted at the door by Sweet-Love. Jungle juice will be available to the first 16 horniest chicks in the door.
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THE MEDIUM Contents
NEWS
Wednesday, February 11th, 2009
“Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I want to have sex with you. Now.”
Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
News News Features Opinions Arts Personals Robot Skanks Whats Shakin’
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13 Page 14 Page 15 Page 16
Five Five Dollar Footlongs Sports Unlucky Stuff VD-Day! Camptown Ladies Doo Da
Editorial Staff Spring 2009
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Colin Fong John Bender Gary Klimowicz Paul Winters
News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editor Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Staff Photographer Faculty Advisor
Jake Lewandowski Keith Lawrence Carmella Luczak Reven MacQueen Dave Imbriaco Kaitie Davis Abe Stanway Paul Winters Tim Swanson Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and not necessarily shared by The Medium, or the authors themselves. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. Submission deadline is NEVER! So do it.
Salmonella’s True Victim: Ball-Licking Dogs BY PABLO JOSE STAFF WRITER
Winfield, KS- Since the recent outbreak across 30 US states of the salmonella bacteria traced to tainted peanut butter, over 350 people have become sick and needed treatment at local hospitals. Accurate statistics for non-human victims have been much harder to come by. These silent victims have not gone unnoticed however, as The Medium News Department has been following leads from some very concerned animal lovers. A source that contacted this writer, who will go by the name “Wulf”, on
account of remaining anonymous, stressed the importance of keeping the safety of our beloved pets to be paramount. Wolf explained, “Look, we all know that dogs love to lick peanut butter off of dude’s balls. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because they are neutered themselves, and they miss that instinctual lumpy licky feeling.” Wolf is part of an underground group of animal lovers known as “furries”. He says some people he knows do partake in the dark art of beast-love, but says for him, the fantasy comes from having his human counterparts simply dress as animals. Wolf further warned,
“I tell people all the time to use caution, don’t spread something tainted on your taint.” There is no telling how many dogs, or any animal with a tongue for that matter, have fallen ill. We simply would like to get the word out and if you are concerned that there might be a case of poisoning, we have set up a toll-free hotline you can dial for further information: 1-888-PET-LICK. If you are anyone you know been involved in a situation where you jumped in a room to yell surprise for a friend’s birthday, only to discover they were receiving the Skippy treatment, you should contact us immediately.
THE MEDIUM
FEATURES
Wednesday, February (4+7)th, 2009
“On the other hand...you have different fingers.”
The Pit
Bill Loney - Anderson Cooper Impersation Major
We asked fellow Rutgers students:
What are your plans for Valentine’s Day? Sharon Needles - School of Learning How to Keep Her Trap Shut and Be a Good Housewife. I plan on watching my boyfriend and best friend hook-up and have sex on my bed, while I just sit there. Sigh
My girlfriend and I are planning to go to a nice restaurant and then a movie...ahh who am I kidding. I don’t have a girlfriend. I don’t even have money.
Emma Royds - Wiccan studies Major Well, I plan on going to stalk my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. When the time is right, I’ll then take them hostage and hold them for ransom until he tells me he loves me and never will ever leave me again. HAHAHA I don’t know why people think I’m crazy.
Jason Voorhees - Double Major in Business and Pre-Med & Philsophy Minor Y’know, nothing special. I plan on going to the grocery store and pick up some things. I’m running low on milk. Oh, I also plan on going to a campsite and hunt unsuspecting teenagers and brutally kill them. How could I forget? Now I’m on my way to donate to a charity
SOME THINGS YOU MIGHT FIND ON A terrorist’s 25 Things...by the grace of Mohammed, I can’t believe I’m doing this fad too. Name: Grabbir
Boubi
Osama Bin Laden Status: has been hidin’
Status: Grabbir Boubi is having some “me” time
1. I am actually a shy person, but I really like to go crazy and bomb shit when I’m with my friends. 2. I aspire to be a director, since I am the guy behind the camera when my leader is sending death threats to America. 3. I can’t stand it when sand gets in my shoes. It just feels really really icky. 4. I really feel indifferent about the Jews...I am a huge Woody Allen fan. 6. One of my proudest moments is when I told my 4th son from my 3rd wife that he will be a suicide bomber. They grow up so fast. 9. My favorite book is not the Koran (in fact I never even read it and don’t even know it’s about). It’s The Kite Runner. 10. My first date with my 7th wife was watching the explosions of Shock and Awe. 13. I am for Women and Gay rights...jk. Do you really think that I would be for those? 15. My secret celebrity crushes are...John Stamos & Jack Bauer! 18. My saddest moment was when the dyamite strapped to my chest didn’t go off. I was soooo embarassed. 19. My camel ran away 4 months ago. I still miss him. 21. Y’know, the whole 99 virgins in paradise after death doesn’t strike me as fun. Just give one hooker from Las Vegas and I’ll be pleased. 22. My favorite color is actually lavender, I think it goes with my brown turban. 24. The only death I want to America Ferrera. 25. Sometimes when I’m alone and I just finished a day of killing infidels, I like to play the song “Time after Time,” put it on repeat and just...(Sniff)...cry. 26. I never learned how to actually count out 25 things in list form. The Quran doesn’t really cover math. It just gets hung up on that whole Jihad-y thing.
Hey if everyone can win a Grammy...you can definitely write a Medium article. Mail yours to features@themedium.net
John Stamos Status: is being the best that John Stamos can be, which isn’t a whole lot
Vladimir Putin Status: is not in the mood. Damn media
Hugo Chavez Status: is going to see He’s Just That Not Into You. :)
Chris Brown Status: just beat it. Haha get it. No, but I’m innocent.
THE OP/EDS Wednesday, February 11th, 2009 MEDIUM Why I hate Valen- the top 5 worst campuses at rutgers tine’s Day (and so should you!) FIVE MOVIES IN 2009 YOU “Look! It’s the Asian Fonz! On Douglass!”
Livingston: One word; Tillet. I feel bad for everyone who has to deal with that dining hall. I ate there once and I have no idea how peoa poem by the girl ple can fuck up dining hall food that badly. The entire personals editor place looks like it hasn’t A day is coming up real soon been updated since 1972, A day I surely hate and it also resembles the afA day that’s boosted my cynicism tershocks of several nuclear Every year since I was eight bomb attacks being that almost everything is gray Back in elementary school I’d end up working through the night and dead. Also, there seems to be craters and rubble all Making awkward V-Day cards over the place thanks to the For people that I did not like construction that has been Then those roses I got in high school going on. Its also very dangerous because you might Forced to carry them all day But when you have six books to haul get sucked into one of those bottomless craters and nevIt just gets in the way er see the light of day again! This day was invented by Hallmark There also don’t seem to be any people on that campus. Co. Anywhere. Except the creaTo sell their cards and candy When guys present me with this shit tures that crawl out of the quads every once in awhile. It makes me think they’re pansies I tell you it’s a capitalist trap! To take advantage of your emotions You’ll splurge on movies, jewelry, cups of coffee To pay for your brainwashed devotion You might think “But I’m in love!” To me you will not listen But when you find your wallet empty You’ll be a moanin’ and a pissin’! -The Girl Personals Editor will be menstruating by this time tomorrow
Letters to the editor..... Now orange juice is deceptive advertising at its worst, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Why? Because orange juice ISN’T REALLY ORANGE!!! It’s yellow-orange, which is not orange. Why did Crayola go to all the trouble to make a specific yelloworange crayon? Because it is a distinct color!! Now if I buy a product labeled orange, damn it I expect orange! Someone’s really going to get injured sooner or later from this debauchery. -Maude LavernNshirley, a concerned old woman who puts that shit on everything Well, we all know what he is going to be doing on Valentines Day! Consider your asses lucky...unless your a robot. Then you’re fucked...by this guy.
Busch: The whole place reeks of science. The place has a DNA Repository and other scary sciency shit that no college campus really needs but hey, Busch has them! You also have to have crazy mathematical powers from the Matrix to navigate around that place. The sculptures they have look like rusty transformers who when aggravated, will awaken will give you tetanus. The Hill Center has to be the most poorly designed building ever devised by man. You have to go out of the building to get back where you started, and what’s with the massive amount of teeny tiny stairs that make you feel like an ass whenever you have to walk up them. College Ave: If you are brave enough to be anywhere on College Ave past 9:00, then you probably are
one very brave person. You can get harassed by drunken frat boys, mugged, and witness a gun fight all in one night! There always seem to be way too many people hanging out there at night who probably don’t even go to the school and stare blankly at you when you are at the bus stop (alone) just desperately trying to get the fuck out of there! Its also the home of Student Accounting and Financial Aid which are pretty much ran by people who can’t even fucking count past 10.
spicy caramel
Cook: Technically, this campus doesn’t exist. Its mostly inhabited by farm animals, horse shit, goose shit, and sometimes, drunken student shit! Oddly enough it even smells.... like SHIT!! That is where they put all of the rejects who make it in to Rutgers... because no one knows its there. Douglass: The Femi-Nazis and lesbians are pretty fucking scary. They will kill anything that has a penis and you hear cries of “FEMINISM!” whenever you are trying to sleep, because that is when they are out looking for little insecure virgin Freshmen girls who will believe anything they say and follow in their man hating footsteps. There are also some girls there who are SO “driven” that the might throw you in front of a fucking bus if you’re walking to slow because they just HAVE to get to their Women and Gender Studies class an HOUR
before everyone else so they can sit directly in front of the professor and talk non-stop and be annoying for an hour and a half.
SHOULD FROM
RUN
AND
HIDE
danger pasta
The Jonas Bros. Concert Experience in 3-D: Run and hide truly applies to this movie. Seriously, come February, make sure you get in whatever you call home, or rent a fallout shelter just to be safe, because the stampede of squealing preteen girls will collapse buildings, cause power outages, and potentially trample unsuspecting grannies. Because the Jonas Brothers and all their coming-ofage faculties will be several stories high. It has all the trademarks of Disney magic! Touch those trademarks and you can get your ass arrested! Watchmen: Because no aspect of anyone’s ideas are safe from “creative adaptation”, Warner Bros is making movie magic out of the graphic novel world’s most beloved series, at least that’s what the previews told me. In reality I’ve never even heard of Watchmen. Ever. For all Danger Pasta knows, Watchmen was just conjured up in the last 18 months by some enterprising filthy-schmuckprivileged-religious-minority movie directors. And they’ll still manage to destroy its integrity. Final Destination 4: By now you should know that this is a serious misnomer. Because they apparently did not reach their final destination the first time around. Or the second. Or the third. Why do you want to be lied to for ten dollars? Are you stupid? You can get that for free asking your friends about your appearance. Although they will not do so while blasting in your face through state-of-the-art surround sound systems. Neverending Story: Yeah, it came out a long time ago, but as the name unfortunately indicates, it will never end. Nope. Never will it ever work its way out of my traumatized mind. Oh why, why did the school have to show it to all of us in the auditorium that time in 8th grade when Spring Fling was rained out? And I had to SIT there for a neverending amount of time, sooo BORED... butt so sooore... AHHHHH! THE HORRIBLE MEMORIES! THE HORRIBLE NEVER ENDING MEMORIES! YEAAGGHH! NEED...INHALER...DON’T EVEN HAVE ASTHMA!!! Star Trek: Same concept as the Jonas Bros. movie, only replace “preteen girls” with “30-year olds who live with their mothers... and half the Medium Ok people, I cannot stress this enough, YOU NEED TO SEND SHIT IN! At this point, I really don’t care what the fuck it is. All I know is that I am sitting in the RSC, admist the brain melting cries of drunken students, in front of a dinosaur of a compute that freezes all the fucking time! Really. Is it that hard? Well, maybe it is for some of you assholes...
ARTS
Wednesday, February 11th, 2009
A phantom lust is after me; after, ’til I can love, no more.
THE MEDIUM
Rutgers’ Wisdom: Sex Ed.
Sugary as a dying meat, devouring its own mash— spreading through my muscles, leeching up my back.
Definitions and explanations given by actual Rutgers Students... verbatim. The 7th Year Senior The Jock Year: Senior Year: Freshman Medium: Can you define Medium: What’s an Anfor me what a clitoris is? gry Pirate? It’s a... you know it’s the Oh that’s when you kick spot... like the jeans, when somebody in the leg and it’s the spot you gotta to get then sperminate in their to eye. when getting a girl off. Like, you know... I dunno... I can’t The Pothead like... what do you want me Year: Sophomore to do? I can... do you want Medium: Define for me me to draw you a diagram? what a clit is. I’ll draw you a diagram. What a what is? Medium: A clit. The Virgin It is the a... orgasmic organ Year: Sophomore of a woman Major: Civil Engineering Medium: Ok how about Medium: Define for me an areola? what a clitoris is? An areola? [Silence] I don’t A clitoris is the most highly know, sounds like it would sensitive part of the female be something about your re-pro-ductive system. eye. Medium: How about an Medium: How about a areola? Hudini? Areola? An areola is the... Oh isn’t that... oh that’s the how do you say this... it’s... best one! That’s when you it’s the nipple, it’s.. it’s fuck a girl and you like the not pointy part of like switch with your friend the nipple. and you go away and she’s Medium: And the taint? just like being fucked by The what? your friend and your just Medium: The taint... like somewhere else. [Silence] Medium: Just guess. I have no clue... the... the [The beauty, the upper part of the pussy? beauty, no such thing,]
Lost in Thought by ClarkGable
Facebook piure of the week
Looking at the stars Remembering your eyes I wonder if your scars Are easy to disguise. I thought you knew me But you weren’t aware You tried to screw me But I’m a polar bear. Haunting; climbing through a blood rush— bursting in a stare, a phantom lust is calling, ringing, raging
Submit your poor excuse for artistic talent at arts@themedium. net
Falling from a window, a phantom favor-lust is after me—
All captions taken from the ridiculously shitty poem True Valentine by Bailey S.
Electrifying, sizzling everything, burning it to paste.
THE MEDIUM FUCK what happened to Ruckus?! YOU there—in the unassuming Rutgers sweatshirt; this and and Roswell and the dreaded discontinuation of nacho night at Neilson... and tube tops, this is ALL YOUR FAULT! I hope you feel ashamed as you read these personals and eat your nacholess foodstuffs To the dumbassdrunksexwithrandomguy ho in my Comm class. You couldn’t even cease your idiot bullshit douchebag antcis for one microsecond... it was my BIRTHDAY for Buddha’s sake! If I see you show up at my apartment party I’ll show you the miracle of childbirth! To the red Pontiac that be rollin’ down George St. blastin Techno whilst the chick inside yelled to the outside like a drunken she-monkey: nothing more needs to be said. to the guy on the ee with the very girlish messenger bag, no, i will not give you my backpack’s seat no matter how much you look at me and wonder when i will. yes, i will continue to read my augusten burroughs book and listen to my music and continually ignore you BUT i will make sure to give my backpack’s seat to another person. you are creepy. shave that unibrow and get back to me. l o v e , girl in the white jacket on the ee reading augusten burroughs and listening to music (Well I’m the chick in the plaid bomber on the EE listening to farts) Dear History professor, sorry about consistently showing up for your class 20 minutes late. Maybe I’d be more motivated to show up if it was more interesting, and you stopped that “talking” thing you always do. I have eaten, against my better judgment, a magenta-colored hot dog in the town of Latta, South Carolina, hometown of Raymond Felton, and death between two long buns To DBSK: You epitomize all that is alarming and wrong with Korea Don’t go there, you say? Oh I went looong ago. And it’s great!
PERSONALS
The Day the Music Died, 2009
“It’s spaced-out prophesies about rabbits and cops and puke and whatever...” To the human puffball who lives in Demarest: please come to a Medium meeting. I want to touch your poof and put things in it. It will make me very happy, and happy Personals Editor means awesome personals. Then again, so does a pissed off Personals Editor. But please come anyway. While I’m on the subject of hair, my Editor in Chief’s coif is also a thing of fascination. I think I would like to touch that too.
To the girl in the Scott Hall bathroom who stood at the hand dryer for two whole minutes: Come’on naw! Your hands are dry enough! Let some people whose uriney hands are staring to prune up get a blow! It took me 20 minutes to start my intermediate algebra homework thanks to those distracting colorful swirls on the cover. Damn you Hirsch-Goodman (Yeah man, it’s totally groovygroovy and far out My Managing Editor has ex- righteous. Which is deceptraordinarily flat hair. I don’t tive advertising for what is think I want to touch that! inside those covers. SomeGotta watch out for those one needs to stop that safemale cyborgs, they just distic Hirsch-Goodman.) might sneak up on you and My fingers, they’re like, play a youtube video of analways cold. There’s probimated star trek clips to the ably something wrong with (non)tune of an obscure me... hopefully I’ll die soon. 70’s song. You’ll sit and (Gee! I might be obligated wait for 4.39 minutes for the to contact the RU...deprespunch line that never comes sion/mental thingy hotline College Ave...smells like chicken n’ beer Why must I write a personal about your fucking bamboo plant? To the frat boy who continuously yelled “fuck” at his homework in Mabel Smith library. Please. You were working on Algebra. (You jerk. I yell at math every chance I get. Because math very often works against my favor! Some time ago my SAT scores ensured my probability of getting into an Ivy League school was -1/0, which will cause a calculator to syntax and explode, and having shards of microchips blown into my eyes is also not in my best interests) To the frat boy who continuously yelled “fuck” at his homework at the Alexander library. I sympathize with you, but we don’t all need to hear how much you want to get laid. To the frat boy who continuously yelled “fuck” at the Livingston library. You didn’t even have homework. I wonder what it would be like to bang a block of swiss cheese. So. Many. Holes. (Holy fuck!) To Extreme Shoes on George St.: GO OUT OF FUCKIN BUSINESS ALREADY! YOU’VE BEEN GOING OUT OF BUSINESS FOR FIVE DAMN MONTHS!
for your sake! Oh well!)
Jokes and sodomy are fun, but he loves his banjo To our landlord, thanks for the heat dick. I guess we?ll forget about those two weeks when it got so cold in our house the fucking water in the toilets froze, f u c k e r To my mom: shut up already about my anthropology major. It’s not frivolous. What’s frivolous is you playing housewife when there’s no more kids in the house to look after. (Oh yeah? Try double majoring in sociology and public policy. Your mother will burst into your room in the middle of the night crying and asking you what are you doing with your life! And any attempt to open your mouth will make her freak out more!) My Social Psych class smells like a Doritos factory. And not even the Cool Ranch kind Mini-bus...AHHHhaha!!!
Dear BD, everytime i Dayman a ripoff of the Imhear your voice, i want to migrant Song? Perhaps... punch you in the face you dumb skanky cunt
I taste like chalk!
I taste like antacids!
To my overly flamboyent friend, why do you wear uggs and victoria’s secret “PINK” sweatpants? whatever your answer, you made my day (Is your friend the What’s Shakin Editor?) My roommate’s bed smells like cheese. Chedddar cheese (What are you doing in your roommate’s bed? Please send and keep all responses to yourself!) I opened my binder and there it was staring right back at me—a pubic hair. The details are kinda fuzzy about how it got there. All I know is that my comrade sitting by me was giving me a questioning look. I just did what I do best and avoided eye contact. Dear Orgo professor, you have successfully ruined the Doors for me forever. That’s what happens when you see a pair of molecules sexing to Jim Morrison and “Break on Through.” (Good riddance. People listen to the Doors when their only concept of good music is whatever their parents and/or lame poser neohippie friends listen to) I
love
peeing
It was 10 degrees outside and I really didn’t want to get off the REXL, so I said “you know what? Screw it” I taste like and so I stayed on the bus. To the dude on guilThat’s when I found out den street last night nothing what happens when you who was asking every at all!!! stay on the bus for more girl who walked by for than one circuit. Appara blow job. Your paently you wind up cold and thetic, just go home half naked with a cream and jerk off because cheese cross smeared on To the girl with huge tits, that’s the only action two words: Motor Boat your forehead, and the little you’re gonna get man comes on the bus and To the dude in the black Girl Personals Editor tells you to get those lucky WFMU hoodie: I heard the changes the kitty litter charms out of your pocket, transmission noises you Girl Personals Editor realson, everything’ll be all were making while you were izes she does not own cats right. But it most certainly is waiting by the tray drop-off Girl Personals Editor atnot, not when dead celebriand it makes me wonder if tempts to eat kitty litter ties are in the back munchyou yourself are WFMU. ing on your old blankie. To Ab fashion on George To the guy who took great What’s going on in my Street: I do not believe I gulps of air as he masturbathead, you ask? I try will be patronizing your ed in the corner of the Dounot to think about it. business. Seeing as your glass library, most likely Personals Ediplastic models have gar- assuming you were the only Girl tor manages to keep gantuan asses, I will not be one there. For Buddha’s able to fit into your pants. sake, this is an all-girls cam- down ingested kitty litter pus library... we take that 331 days until the Twi(don’t stop dreaming, Zone marathon behind the 13th shelf on the light where there’s an imleft side of the first floor. on Sci-Fi!! OHYEAH! plant there’s a way) Tell your bible to personals@themedium. To the strawberry on the floor Because it’s stop farting, man! net of the EE: You look so sad what Obama wants
Wednesday, 11 January 2009
PERSONALS
“Snake! Snake! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!”
To the asshole in Greek Christianity who sits by the wall: If you ever say “present” again when the prof calls roll, I will personally take whatever the hell you write with and shove it through your neck while impaling you through your ass on a stake. Only ass-licking suck-ups and 3rd graders say “present” like that, dipshit. (People who said that always pissed me off too. Hopefully they’ll read that and change their evil ways... If not, kill them.) To my roommate, if you leave the fucking light on one more G-d damn time, I will rape you until you start crying seaman. Also stop doing so much work on your computer, your not fooling anyone we all know your really looking at porn and not doing your so called metlabs. (Yes, the person really did write “G-d” and then proceeded to threaten their douchy roommate with “Rape until you start crying like a seaman.” If no one else sees the inherent irony in that, then I’m the only person at Rutgers who isn’t a total retard.) I’m a horny ashkenaz boy, who just wants some tush. And you have to be good l o o k i n g . (Why do lonely guys come to this page to vent their sexual frustrations? I don’t fucking get it!)
Ok, is Greek Christianity really just a secret hideout for every god damn suck-up fuckwad at Rutgers? I’m talking to you, yes you, the asshole in the back corner that tried to score brownie points with the professor over stupid shit. Sorry, but your effort to not be “that guy” has just made you “that guy”. You know, the person in class who EVERYONE wants to punch right in the face repeatedly. Get your mouth sealed shut so that no one ever has to hear you speak again. If you then starve to death, good riddance. One less asshole like you in the world. (Yeah, you really don’t want to be “that guy”, don’t you? That guy who gets their mouth sealed shut AND lampooned in the Personals section along witht he rest of the scum of Rutgers. Man, that would totally ruin someone’s day. Sounds like you better shut the flying fuck up.) To the fucking kid who thought you knew me on the EE the other day. Honestly my life will never be the same. I am so horrified that I look over my shoulder everywhere I go, just praying to dear God that you won’t be there. I’ve never seen such a demonic human in my life, I actually think you are not a human at all. Please go fucking yourself. H. Sent from my iPhone kill (Way to show off, dick- (Who did you look at, face. Too bad your Darth Vader without the phone can’t help you get mask on or something? laid. And on that note...) Or a homeless guy?) A certain submission really caught my attention this week, regarding iPhone applications. The contributer was wondering if there was a specific iPhone application that pleasured him sexually. I hate to inform him that there is no such application, but I figure there’s an enormous wish-list of potential applications for some tightnecked programmer to write up while he takes a break from jerking it to Hentai. This week’s question: What do you want an iPhone application to do? A. Masturbate you B. Shoot poison darts at annoying people in class C. Taze said annoying people D. A stealth function so smelly homeless people and freshman can’t ask you for shit E. Turn into a giant man-killing robot, like in that one episode of South Park with Chef’s TV Send reponses to Personals@TheMedium.net
What is it with people using the 3rd Floor Men’s room at Ruth Adams and taking 4 hours to take horrible-smelling shits? (They take big shits?) To that dude in music class singing you’ll be in my heart. WTF was that, it sounded like you were beating a dead horse’s dick. First you sounded like a whiny bitch, then switched to a boring voice which made some people sleep, and then you forgot a part of the song which made me laugh. Do us a favor and don’t sing again or you’ll probably end up here in the personals section. (And what do ya know? They ended up here in the Personals section even without singing again, at least my knowing about it. Also, why Phil Collions? Why infect the brains of your innocent bystanding classmates which such unbearably boring and below-mediocre songwriting ability? WHYYYYYYYY?) WTF Busch Dinning Hall? You think that we don’t notice that your General Tso’s chicken is just the leftover chicken nuggets from Wednesday night take-out? Stop being cheap. You already make enough food that I don’t want to eat. (I feel comforted in knowing that Busch’s standards are also as low as Brower’s. I worry that the food standards at Nielson will also plummet as well. In short, we’re all doomed at the dining halls. FUCK!) Hey, so what are you doing for housing next year? Oh, shit. That’s a really high number, I’m sorry man.Yeah, you know... I was curious. By the way, you didn’t hear, right? Oh, well, I actually got 12. So... yeah. You know. Just curious. -that guy (You’re cool now, you got 12 in the housing lottery! Let’s all fellate this asshole for being so lucky! Wow, we’ve had a lot of ‘That Guy’s’ this week. Anyone else want to step up and be ‘That Guy’ next week? Anyone? I hope not...) Tax cuts stimulate the economy like sandpaper and chainsaws stimulate my cock.
THE MEDIUM
And Now a Very Special Message from Your Editor, Satanic Yoda...
Alright, people and non-people of Rutgers. Apparently very few of you (about 9 or 10) got the point that I was making last week about submitting shit and sent in some of the content that you are now reading. The rest of you, on the other hand, are selfish fuckheads and would rather leech off of the brainwork of your peers and simply mindlessly consume what is printed on these glorious pages. I will remind you all, this publication is YOURS. That means, WE print the stuff that YOU, the reader, send in. All I do here make fun of you (or agree, on some occassions) and fill up unused space with these stupid plugs for more submissions. Ideally, I shouldn’t have to constantly remind you lazy assholes to send personals in, but seeing that life is cruel and unfair, I will continue to do so until you all send us enough shit to fill up this ENTIRE page. So get off your ass, get to your computer, and send your submissions to Personals@TheMedium.net. If you’re embarressed, you can ask the bitch and I not to go after you (as if anyone besides you and your stupid friends would know that you sent it in) and maybe, just MAYBE, we won’t. There, you have a moment of compassion from us. NOW FUCKING SEND SHIT IN! Albert, To the Perry Hall Dormitory Dear Occupants of the fourth floor, You are the creepiest guy You are all fucking disgust- I have ever met. Your ing! You sick fucks should leather jacket has got to learn how to flush a god damn go. When you eat your toilet! I don’t enjoy the in- breakfast sandwiches it toxicating smell?of pot makes me want to vomit. You with the combination of act like you know evshit...we all know you enjoy erybody but you don’t smoking in the girls bath- you just start awkward room at least give it a 3 hour conversations with them, resting period!?To the and then friend them on gay man who struts facebook over and over because every about in heels....they again were made for girls girl clicks deny. Anyfor a reason... and here?are way, stop being creepy. some?other suggestions per- TO THE HOT SUSPENry 4...wash your god damn SION TEAM LEADER hands, wash your dishes, ON RFR, I REALLY clean up your shit in the lounge LOVE THE WAY YOU and do us all a favor and HANDLED MY MAN put some god MEAT THE OTHER damn clothes on!! NIGHT. WE SHOULD S i n c e r e l y , MEET AGAIN, INVOLVE A disgusted occu- THE ONES KNOWN AS pant of the 4th floor “THE HUNGRY JACK” SEE WHAT to the girl in my physio AND DAMPING COclass who sits behind THE MY me. we’re all waiting for EFFICIENT REQUIRE more nude pics. spank- BALLS HARMONICALing is preferable TO LY BOUNCE OFF (To said nude-posing girl: cut out the middle man and YOUR ASS AND INTO LET send you nude photos to us. HIS MOUTH!!! ME KNOW SOON....... People miss the porn we used to have, so be a team (WRITING IN ALL CAPS ATTENTION player and provide us with GETS your own home-made stuff!) AND PISSES OFF INPEOPLE To the girl I met at that TELLIGENT TWAT!) party last week: you’re WORLDWIDE, To the blonde mermaid, cool. Let’s have a drink. Or two. Or three, however short brown haired girl, much you can handle :-p. lacrosse playing polish girl, and the spunky (And I’ll bet she’ll drink asian: You are the hotyou under the table, you test girls in Allen hall. The worthless dickhead.) e n d .
THE MEDIUM
WHAT’S SHAKIN’?
Wednesday, February 11th, 2009
“Nice Bricks!” he said. “Nah, I don’t really have a thing for bricks,” she replied
On Campus
February 10th - It’s Tu B’Shvat! Come take Tu B’Shots with the rabbi as we celebrate the Jewish holiday of....trees. February 14th - As a courtesy to Bharat Mohan, who died today as we wrote this letter, the editors of The Medium would like to publish his final words: Applications are now available to all girls who want me to be their Valentine. The required items of the application are as such: 1. Transcript 2. 3 Letters of Recommendation 3. Personal Statement 4. Two 500-word essays on the following topics: a) What Bharat means to me. 5. STD Test
Off Campus
February 13th - Popular Talk show host Stephen Colbert to launch Colb-air Airlines in a desperate attempt to boost ratings after the recent ousting of George Bush.
On This Day In History 1806 - Lead singer Napoleon reunites with former band France and immediately goes on a second tour of Europe. 1932 - Stuffwhitepeoplelike.com is formed and continues to chronicle the peculiar inclinations of the white man to this day. 1950 - Jackson Pollock films the First Annual Rabid Midget Wrestling Championship of the World and sells the ring mat entitled “Lavender Mist.” 1994 - Amanda opens the picture in Dennis’ email. Is that....him? Under all those...naked men? Lying...like that?
RU FUNNY? NAÏVE? TRANSGENDER? JOIN OUR STAFF. MEETINGS AT 9PM ON WEDNEDSAYS. BUSCH STUDENT CENTER ROOM 115
MICHEAL PHELPS CAUGHT REDHANDED It’s true. Everyone’s favorite swimmer has been “busted,” as they say, and has consequently been dropped from the Kellogg sponsorship that he had been using to fund his self-destructive habit. We are all aware that he can easily put down 12,000 calories a day; but of course, traditional media outlets would have you believe that he needs all the food to swim. No, America, Micheal Phelps can eat two pounds of pasta and an entire pizza because the man rips two-foot bongs every day of his life. Dr. Watson, governemnt lobbyist, said “It’s a textbook case of the munchies. You smoke like that, in those amounts, and you’re gonna need a porportional [and equally massive] amount of food to balance out the THC intake.” A friendly neighboorhood white guy commented, “Hey, do I care what this guy is smoking? He is a fitness icon, for Christ’s sake. Those guys at NORML are gonna have a field day over this one...” As successful as he is, being dropped by Kellogg is the last thing he needs. Who else will give him quality snacks like Pop-Tarts or Cheez-Its?