THE
The Entertainment Weekly of The Foundation for Law and Justice
MEDIUM
Wednesday, February 13, 2002
www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIII, Number 13
“Nothing like a good titfuck joke to bring us all together”
KITT, Arnold, and Michael say:
“This Valentine’s Day,
Have a Three-Way!”
EDITORIALS
“IT’S SO EAASYYYYYY”
Wednesday, February 13th, 2002
Gentle reader, have no fear. For I, too, am wondering... What the fuck is this shit?????? - EiC . ead anted to r w u o y e k li l an editoria
Yes, the above boyish looking little troll is indeed the so-called Explicit Negro... don’t you feel cheated?
You cannot escape the wrath of... ASH WEDNESDAY!!!!
Last weeks article, Dog Cock, was written by Terry Davison. Sorry man. To make up for it I’ll give you the soul I bought down in Chinatown last month.
SEND YOUR OPINIONS TO THIS EMAIL ADDRESS.COME TO A MEDIUM MEETING LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER 113 AT 9:00 WEDN
,
COME TO A MEDIUM MEETING LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER 113 AT 9:00 WEDNESDAY NIGHT SEND YOUR OPINIONS TO THIS EM
RULES FOR MEN I have noticed that these days, men do not know how to act like men. They are, in fact, acting like bitches, sissies, and women. So I Captain Hetero, being THE MAN, shall now impart unto you lesser men how to be more like me. So pay attention boys. 1. MAN SHALL NOT SCREW OVER HIS FELLOW MAN FOR WOMAN. This law is absolutely essential to the maintenance of human civilization. If a girl starts going out with your friend, and she starts flirting with you on the side, you do not accept. That is the biggest betrayal ever. Then you end up fighting over pussy, and in a fight like that only the woman wins. You never side with a woman against a man, in the end, you’ll end up broke, horny and alone. 2. ANYTHING IS ACCEPTABLE IN THE PURSUIT OF ASS. (SEE Rule 1 first) Taking women’s studies courses, learning poetry, gaining an appreciation for Alley McBeal, ANYTHING is acceptable when trying to get ass. It is also improper for you to make fun of said friend when he is in the process of chasing ass. If your friend leaves you stranded 30 miles from home at a club because he’s getting some ass, it’s your duty to find your way home. Only an asshole would be mad. Be clear that these actions are only acceptable in the pursuit of ass. 3. YOU DO NOT TOUCH ANOTHER MAN’S FRENCH FRIES. When eating at a diner, it is considered suicidal to make a move for another man’s french fries, cole, slaw, wings, or any other food on his plate. You ask first. If the first man plants a fork into your hand for attempting such a ballsy maneuver, he is perfectly entitled to. If you squeal to the cops, then you are the bitch of the night. 4. “SHOTGUN” IS ABSOLUTE. He who says “shotgun” first gets shotgun. That is an inviolable law. He who steals shotgun after shotgun has been announced will be subjected to whatever torture he who sits in the back seat sees fit to inflict on him,. The only exception to this rule is if a hot girl is riding in the car, in which case shotgun always goes to the hottest piece of ass present. 5. GETTING ASS IS NOT WORTH GETTING YOUR ASS KICKED. Leave other people’s pussy alone unless you are sure the other guy is of no threat to you. There’s no use getting some pussy if the guy finds you and beasts the living shit out of you, or worse. Scout out pussy beforehand, make sure that whoever she is, she is worth any punishment you may receive for getting ass that isn’t yours. 6.
A MAN IS NEVER WRONG. (See Rule 1) Admitting that you are wrong is a sign of weakness. So instead of being wrong, be misinformed, or just say “that bitch lied o me”. 7. A “HOT GUY” CAN NEVER SEXUALLY HARASS A WOMAN. If you are one of the men fortunate to be considered hot by women, then you have carte blanche to say anything you want to a woman, and she will consider it funny, or at the very least cute. You have 80x more leeway with your lines than any of us poor normal looking slobs do. It is your solemn duty to use this power to hook up your friends with ass too. Follow these rules, and one day you may be as macho and manly as I.
Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7
KITT KARR Goliath Devon Michael Garthe
Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12
Willis Bonnie April RC3 What’s Shakin’
Cover by: Frankiller Johnson (thanks, Jeh-nay!)
THE
MEDIUM
CONTENTS
fnord
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Michael Wyzard Mike Ryan Jessica Chandra John Minus Ryan Beckman Martin Babitz Amy Groark Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors
Carol Hu Ritch Boblenz What’s Shakin’ Editor Aija McKenzie Online Editor Ian McLorey Advertising Manager Jessica Chandra Staff Artist Oleg Zeylikovich Staff Photographer Elizabeth Finelli Senior Editor John Q. Minus
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to wyz@eden.rutgers.edu. Our phone number used to be (732) 373-7085. Turbo boost!
Wednesday, February 13th, 2002
“ HAPPY GO LUUCKYYY!”
OPINIONS OPINIONS
Explicit Negro, It’s too bad that one has control of the paper, one has to resort to name calling to make one’s feeble points. (I use name-calling to make good points also-Ops Ed) You state, “These people are obviously desperate if they believe suicide bombings are the only political tool left.” Firstly, I wouldn’t call blowing myself up a political tool and secondly, according to their teachings, they are under the impression that they are doing something great. They are taught from birth that if you kill yourself while killing a bunch of innocent infidels (which is mostly innocent men, women and children...did I leave anyone out?), that they will be rewarded in the afterlife with 70 virgins and/or little boys to do with what the please. They don’t sound too desperate to me. (It’s cuz you’re a myopic and shortsighted) Sounds to me like they are doing this to be rewarded in the eyes of their god. “Israel has the most advanced weapons and tactics of any Arab or Muslim nation.” Are you blaming Israel for having a strong army? Is it Israel’s fault that they are more militarily advanced then any Arab or Muslim nation? I’m saying If you were living in a place were your neighbors wake up every morning wishing you were dead and would do almost anything to have their dream come true, (You don’t know my neighbors) I bet you’d be glad that you’re army is the most advanced. “How do you think Israel managed to fight off..the rest of the Middle East in the 70’s”? Case in point. On the holiest day of the Jewish year, while all the Jews were in temple praying, Israel’s neighbors surprised attacked them...and Israel won. Let’s blame Israel for wanting to defend herself by having a strong army. (I was complimenting them on that, idiot) The Yom Kippur War is a perfect example of how much Israel’s neighbors want to destroy it. Thanks for bringing it up! You bring up the Lebanon War. It was the first war of choice for Israel, but even that was for preventative measures. As I stated in my first response, the PLO was attacking Israel from Lebanon. When Israel entered Lebanon in 1982, many of the Lebanese Christians were cheering. Again, you seem to be under the impression that Israelis killed the Arab refugees in Lebanon. If you studied your history, you’d know it was the Lebanese Christians (Arabs) who murdered the refugees. (Well, that makes it alright then) Yes, Israel did “let” the Palestinians have a police force. According the Oslo accords, Israel withdrew from lands captured during the 1967 War. Israel then armed and helped train a Palestinian police force, so that the Palestinians could comply with another part of the Oslo Accords - to arrest terrorists. Obviously, Arafat has failed to do that (as the US affirmed). And FYI, the Palestinians receive US aid as well. Now to your last point, how is the BBC anti-Israel? The British (as well as the French) are notorious for being anti-Semites. Just because the land of Palestine was under British control prior to 1948, doesn’t mean they got along. How many Jews did the British allow into Palestine while they were trying to get away from Hitler? Not too many. Ever hear of the White Papers? By the way, in response to my “cowardliness” I sent the reply to the personals as YOU don’t have an email address in your article. (heterofrenzy@yahoo.com, pooh-stabber but don’t use it, I’m sick of reading your crap. You have anything else to say, send it to Personals) And I won’t sign my name, as I don’t want it associated with your filthy rag. (I know your name cunt-rag. Trust me, we don’t want to be associated with you either) However, feel free to email me at jtfalm@hotmail.com if you want to learn some truth. (You’ll probably tell me how blacks have always had it good in this country. I can’t argue with someone who does not understand one damn point I try to make. But I do have one piece of advice, stop being so fucking close-minded and look at things from the other side for once in your pathetic life. - Ops Ed) ESDAY NIGHT SEND YOUR OPINIONS TO THIS EMAIL ADDRESS.COME TO A MEDIUM MEETING LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER 11
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AIL COME TO A MEDIUM MEETING LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER 113 AT 9:00 WEDNESDAY NIGHT SEND YOUR OPINIONS TO THI
Ian Loves You: Everyone Else Thinks You’re an Asshole by Ian DeLorey Last semester, the Medium came under attack from a number of different sources — many of them calling for the censorship of the paper in some fashion or another. The Medium’s natural reaction to such attacks, of course, was to remind those attackers that the Medium has a Constitutional right to publish what they will. Furthermore, it does not appear that Those who dislike the Medium may call it garbage, filth, a worthless rag, and many other far less civil epithets. We on the Medium staff have been called monsters and pornographers by people who are, normally, quite eloquent and rational. And, to be perfectly honest — what they say about the paper is true. The Medium has almost no literary value whatsoever. The majority of its readers do nothing but skim the personals section, all but forsaking the rest of the paper. It prints photographs of diseased genetalia and fat-lady porn. Where these people are mistaken, however, is in calling those who are involved in the creative process of writing the Medium “monsters”. And, so, we come to the real topic of this article. The Medium invokes a number of responses from its readers — laughter and disgust are but two of many. In detractors, however, the responses are ones of anger, and of rage. But where does rage get us? When we, as human beings, are confronted with someone (or something) for whom we feel emnity, we ourselves are filled with negative emotions. Most importantly, we are unable to be happy ourselves, because we are filled with these emotions which cause us such distress. When confronted with these emotions, the natural human “fight or flight” instinct comes in to play. We either attempt to destroy the offending item, or we deny its existence. These two reactions, however, are not conducive to happiness. Should we choose to ignore the existence of something which causes us distress, it may be effective — but only for a time. Eventually, we will be forced to encounter this object once again, and the same emotions of rage find their way into our lives once again. Should we choose to fight that which angers us, we simply become more frustrated, and more anger fills our lives. Some people, in extreme cases, become consumed by their anger, and they become chronically unhappy people, lashing out at everything around them. This is a viscious cycle that never ends — hate breeding hate in an individual, never ceasing. And so, in order to truly be happy in our lives, we must take a third option — we must rise above our instincts and practice something which is uniquely human, uniquely humane: forgiveness. Forgiveness allows us to recognize that someone has done us wrong, but instead of ignoring it, we simply choose to propagate love and kindness instead of hate and emnity. We recognize that everybody, not just ourselves, has an innate desire to be happy and live a life which is filled with joy. We recognize that every person in the world has a right to be happy, and has a right to, as Joseph Campbell put it, follow their joy. When we recognize this, we are able to rise above the petty attachment to revenge, to rage, that we latch on to when we are consumed by anger. We are able to forgive when we realize that all the world deserves the same happiness that we wish upon ourselves. When we are able to forgive, we no longer must deal with those negative emotions, because they have no place in our lives. We must no longer hide from our hate, for it cannot harm us. And so, I challenge those who hate the Medium, the people who would call us monsters and pornographers. I challenge you to forgive. I invite you all to come to a meeting of the Medium’s staff and to meet and speak with us not as an advarsary but, rather, as human beings. Treat us not as a collection of monsters (except for Mike Ryan, who is a vampire Ops Ed), but as individuals, each with the same goals as you — to be happy. Only by rising above the base emotions of hate and anger can we, as humans, ever be truly happy. Only by loving each person as we love ourselves, and only by wishing the same happiness for others that we wish for ourselves can we ever end the cycle of hate that has plagued us all since our first beginnings. I love you, and I forgive you, and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it.
News
“Buttsex is easy for no one”
Wednesday, February 13th 2002
BEN AFFLECK, SECRET FAG? By The Writer’s Block movie, yeah that’s smart talk, write that down. TWB: Shut up. Anyways, some people are saying that you have a sort of an animosity toward Mr. Damon. Gay Ben: such as
Your Momma is so fat, I broke the mold when I was making her. Wait, I’m God.. why am I not funny?
God To World: “ Stop Believing In Me!” Lord reportedly sick of human stupidity
“I can eat this much cock!” Affleck exclaimed as he jumped for girlish joy.
TWB: Well, look at the movies you do. They are all a resemblance of Matt’s movies. It’s almost like your trying to copy his success. He makes “Rounders”, a movie about the game of poker. You make “Reindeer Games” a movie I recently had a chance to interview Mr. about the game of reindeers. He makes Ben Affleck about his up coming movie. “Saving Private Ryan” a war movie; you During this interview we touched up on make “Pearl Harbor”. a lot of important topics. We discussed about Mr. Affleck’s secret jealously to- Gay Ben: First off, I’m not trying to copy ward Matt Damon, Affleck’s stupidity, his success I am copying his success. and also his gayness. Second off, “Private Ryan” and “Pearl Harbor” are two totally different movTWB: Well Ben, I wanna talk about ies, his is about World War 2, mine is your up coming movie but before we about the Pearl Harbor. get into that, I wanna talk a little about your past. Tell me about your Oscar TWB: What is your mental malfunction! for Best Screenplay. Pearl Harbor is about World War 2, Japan caused the U.S. into going to war Gay Ben: Yeah, me and Matthew got with Germany and Japan. like two awards for our writing in that movie Good Willsomething. Gay Ben: For real? Man its like every country was in that war or something, TWB: Don’t you mean Good Will they should have called it like the war Hunting? of the world or something.
By Brian Benson (Gaza Strip)- God, last seen in public burning a bush in front of biblical figure Moses, has returned to the earth scene with a new, angrier message. God appeared to an angry mob in Gaza Monday to tell the gathered people, “stop worshipping me you fucking assholes” Apparently upset by the continuing violence carried out world wide in his name, the almighty one screamed at the mob of religious zealots before showering them with not just “God to Jesus, Don’t fire and brimstone, but also a petroleum jelly forget to hold the mayo like substance. God ended his rant by taking this time.” his own name in vein. Religious leaders across the globe scrambled to keep worshippers after God’s request to get lost. In Rome the Pope downplayed God’s statement calling their infallible deity, “overly dramatic” and also insinuated that it might be time for him to retire and for a new God to take the reigns of the universe. Well known, yet controversial Greek God Zeus as well as two African voodoo Gods with unpronounceable names are reportedly top contenders for the job. In other promotional moves to maintain the flock, many religions will begin “bonus reward points” for attendance at prayer services. These points can be redeemed for valuable prizes such as Carnival cruises and DVD players. The Catholic Church also has vowed to waive the three miracle criteria for sainthood. Candidates will now merely have to answer two Trivial Pursuit questions from their least knowledgeable category.
Gay Ben: No, that was my original idea TWB: (with a look of confusion) ok, for the title “Good Will Something”, cool um, so let’s talk about your new movie, Rampaging Leprechaun Claims Thirteen Lives right? a direct copy of Damon’s recent TWB: (ignoring his question) Says here “Ocean’s Eleven”, your “Ocean’s By Steve Glennon and Kevin Boucher staff “Lifemates” that you wrote half of the Screenplay, Twelve”. what parts did you exactly write?
Gay Ben: No way, my movie is sooo much more better, his movie stars people like George Clooney, we got George Harrison, no wait he’s dead. Ok, his movie stars Brad Pitt, we got a new fresh face star that is so much more cooler and awesomer than Brad Pitt, a guy named Arm Pitt. Oh, who am I kidding, Brad’s sooo hot! Remember when he was in “Legends of the Fall”!
Gay Ben: Well, you know I wouldn’t exactly call it half, more like one fifth. I put in key parts; a couple of word changes here and there. I threw in a couple of “thes” and “ises”. Like do you remember that part where Matt’s character says “how bout them apples”, yup, that was my idea..actually my idea was “how bout them pineapples”, but you know if it wasn’t for me you would (At this point Mr. Affleck developed an only have four fifths of that erection, and started to rub script. You can’t get an his nipples and moan. Oscar for four fifths this interview was of a over.)
Come to a Medium meeting, tonight in Do my flames of homosexuality scare you? the Livingston Does my sexy stare entice you? Write for the medium and I’ll buttfuck you. Student Send news articles to Center... Room 113 Cuteboyass@hotmail.com at 9:00 and I’ll pound your cute boy ass... grrr.
Come to a Medium meeting, tonight in the Livingston Student Center... Room 113 at 9:00
General Mills-Everything started out normally during the February 4th shoot of the latest “Lucky Charms” commercial. Suddenly and abruptly, the shoot turned into a bloodbath of death and destruction. Eyewitness reports described the assailant as “a short, pale, weirdo dressed in green and obviously drunk”. The authorities were left baffled since this description narrowed it down to anyone Irish. During the filming in which Lucky was unpredictably chased for his Lucky Charms yet again, he suddenly broke out of character and brandished a sawed-off-shotgun. He turned and fired 27 times on the unsuspecting producer. He then dropped his pants, revealing a handgun strategically taped to his genitals. He emptied the clip into the director and make-up artist. Lucky, now covered in the blood of his victims, then commandeered a corned beef and cabbage cart. He was heard to yell, “You’ll never get me lucky charms you dirty bastards!!” as he mounted the doomed cart. The camera crew was the next to die when he crashed the ill-fated cart into their bodies, scalding all 4 of their crushed bodies with luscious, lean corned beef. They were burned beyond recognition. With the crew out of the way, Lucky was free to have his way with the cast. After biting off one of the boy’s faces, Lucky ripped the boy’s penis off and shoved it down the throat of a second boy. Both were dead within minutes. Lucky then turned his attention to the third boy and put a curse on him in which he would explode when the Rutgers football team lost. He is expected to die opening day. Lucky then raped the remaining 3 girls, after which he bludgeoned them to death with a sock full of quarters. Forty-three minutes after the rampage started, 26 state marshals finally brought down Lucky. He was proclaimed dead on the scene when the grieving families threw the Blarney Stone upon him.
Wednesday, February 13th 2002
News
“Why should I change my name? He’s the one that sucks”
Chelsea Clinton: Engaged and Getting Busy By CAROL HU
Mumia Dies Of Old Age Activists Realize Life is Unfair, Protest
Oxford, England – Chelsea Clinton has reportedly been engaged to fellow American, Ian Klaus. The two met at Oxford University during Chelsea’s first term. Ms. Clinton found happiness in Mr. Klaus when she was homesick during the first term. Chelsea told the New York Post: “Oxford is wonderful. I’m having a great time. We do go out, but I still try to spend most of my time studying in the library.” According to recent reports, Mr. Klaus has been spotted at local bars and hangouts with Ms. Clinton. The owner of one of the bars told us that he often spots the couple “getting busy” in the back rooms. He also said that he would like to remain anonymous, so that Ms. Clinton would not send the secret service to anally rape him. When questioned, Mr. Klaus claims that the information our anonymous bar owner gave us was “utterly and completely fictitious.” “Chelsea and I will have no sexual relations before marriage.” But then we later overheard him saying “excluding oral sex and the dominatrix role playing – I love it when she puts on the leather and pulls out the whip.” It seems as if our ex-president’s daughter is not quite the “goodie-goodie scholar” she appears to be and in fact the perfect role model for kids everywhere. We believe ex-president; Bill Clinton is more than proud that Chelsea holds similarities to his former mistress, Monica Lewinsky. A representative for Bill Clinton stated, “Mr. Clinton is unavailable to make any comments on his daughter, but I can assure you that he does not want Chelsea to turn out like her bitch of a mother, and in fact does approve of Ms. Lewinsky’s scandalous ways.” Hillary Clinton’s representatives refused to comment on the information we collected from the rest of her family due to the “ill manner” of the content.
by Chris DeSarno spokesman for SAS (Students Against SAS), a splinter group of Students Against Student Activism. “It’s about time these yuppie larva bitches realized that and spend their chalk-money on food for the homeless or something that isn’t empty activism. Jesus Christ, they’re the same people who litter the streets with fliers telling people to save trees. They’re “I do not completely believe God’s claim all idiots.” that he was old enough to die.” said Steven Holmes, president of Student Ac- In a large act of protest yesterday aptivists United Against Unjust Stuff. “Age proximately 323 activist leaders shot is an oppressive tool used by the white themselves in the head to protest life’s God to subjugate the black man.” unfair end to Mumia (and the sale of SAUAUS has planned to hold a rally in guns). front of Brower next week andchalk sidewalks, two acts which they firmly “Yeah, I’m really disappointed.” commented The State. “I was really looking believe will “affect something.” forward to exercising my power to ex“Yes, I’m very proud of Steven and his ecute a citizen. Oh well ...” activist friends,” said John Holmes, Steven’s father. “I remember back in the God, in a letter sent to The Medium in 60s when I used to protest things ... Of response to the allegations that Mumia’s course, this is before I ‘sold out’ and death was unjust said, “You’re all idiots. stopped living off my father’s money.” Anyway I can’t be blamed because I don’t exist.” and subsequently the letter “Life’s not fair.” said Arcsin Rhodes, disappeared in a puff of smoke. Mumia Abu Jamal, political prisoner and target of college activism everywhere, died yesterday at age 76 apparently of natural causes. As a result approximately 5,000 activists across the country wrote letters to God, the almighty creator of heaven and earth, claiming that time is unjust.
Ryan Beckman… French Canadian? By George Baxter, staff not Ryan Beckman
Area Man Offended by Targum Article
Now, I know most of you are saying “Ryan Beckman, who the fuck is that asshole?” Well I’m here to answer that question, and by the end of this article you will be able to honestly say, “You know that Ryan Beckman character? I think he’s a little ninny bitch, and I’d like to cockslap him right now.”...So on with the interview….
GB: So, what do you think of the Zeta Psi Fraternity?
I’m having a hard time not jumping onto you right now and riding your cock like I rode your dog’s… I’m kidding…he rode mine. Anyway, how is it that you manage to find time to do schoolwork with all the time you must spend with extracurricular activities?
RB: Well I’m not really that interesting. In fact the only thing that sets me apart from everyone else is this rock collection I have… that and I eat the souls of small children.
GB: Well, yeah actually it is.
I do.
RB: Is that a tear in your eye? Dude, I’m sorry. Damn it why do I always make such dumb mistakes. One time I was at this frat party and I meant to pour vodka and roofies in a glass for some hot guy, but then I drank it…. It’s ok though, I still woke up in the morning with a condom hanging out of my ass if you know what I mean.
GB: So you’re saying that you fuck goats?
by Troy Crowder NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ - Following his reading of the February 7, 2002 issue of The Daily Targum, Rutgers College senior Kevin Henson expressed offense at the quality of the Inside Beat article about The Onion. “It was lame,” Henson told friend Dan Johnson, while the two waited for their order to be filled at the grease truckson Friday. “It, like, explained each joke in detail. That’s so dumb! And they put down the Onion web site, too, like every web site has to have Flash animation or something.” Over the course of the next 10 minutes, Henson went on to describe how explaining jokes makes them less effective, prompting GB: So Ryan, I have to tell you right off the bat… I find you incredibly sexy… Johnson to agree with him.
RU HOUSING SURVEY: NAKED WOMEN IN DORM ROOMS By Sushma Trivedi Multiple posters of scantily dressed women line multiple RU dorm rooms, yet they seem to be having little or no effect in actually drawing naked women into the dorm room. The posters, as marketed by popular alcoholic beverage companies, were created with the intention of creating a fun, party-like environment in which the presence of naked women would be encouraged. However, in reality, an RU Housing Survey found that the effect of the posters have been “minimal if not nonexistent.” Freshman Nick Olai stated that he put up such posters “hoping that the posters would be conducive to a certain social environment. We enjoy drinking beer here in our room and we also are enthusiastic about naked women. By combining both worlds, we hoped that our dorm would adopt a mood of beer drinking fun and casual female nudity…or semi-nudity at the very least.” His roommate, freshman Marc Moline added that “Our idea was to create an environment in which nude or semi-nude women would find themselves comfortable and at ease, not only drinking beer, but also being
naked. We also sort of hoped they might have sex with us.” Yet none of these things happened, and the theories that lead up to the posting of naked women were all wrong. The housing department survey was compiled over the course of multiple weeks by monitoring the area in and around dorm rooms with posters of naked women. They finally concluded that “there exists no measurable casual relationship between the presence of naked women posters and the willingness of actual, non-photographic women to appear naked in or near that location.” Surprisingly however, the study also concluded that the posters did have an impact on alcohol sales. The brand who had the largest breasted woman endorsing their beer had a sales increase of 69%. Students also noted that beer posters do create a bar like environment in the dorm rooms. “Unfortunately, the same effect doesn’t seem to be happening with the naked women,” Moline said. “In fact, the only real effect they have been having is that we just get really horny when we look at them. Jesus Chris Almighty, get a load of that rack. Man.”
RB: I don’t know much about them, but I can safely say that they’re not gay, really. And I never got a good rim job there either. GB: So Ryan, are there any interesting facts that separate you from the rest of the pack?
GB: Really? I’ve never met anyone like that before, it sounds very RB: Well, I avoid anything that wastes interesting. time, like watching the news or reading RB: Not really. A higher authority tells newspapers… basically I think anything me the name of a child whose soul I journalistic is bullshit… hey wait isn’t should eat, and unless there’s a goat I’d that your job? rather fuck nearby… it’s the first thing
RB: I’m not not saying that I fuck goats…are you a goat? At this time I was unable to take any more notes because my hands were busy if you know what I mean… but we videotaped it... check stores soon.
POLICE BLOTTER • After Consuming “a few too many” this past thursday evening a University student turned into a 3 and a half foot duck. • Actress Lea Thompson was arrested on College ave for the crime
of beastiality. She was having sex with a duck. In her defense she said “He’s Howard the Duck”. • A deer hit near the RAC on Livingston is pressing charges against the driver of a Saturn with
plates “Buttlvr” • This donut tastes weird • Your mom had sex with your uncle...and me. -Ryan Beckman (The above info was provided by your mom.)
GMG
“Medium Redux: Now a 75hour Director’s Cut”
My Bloody (Homeless) Valentine
H
is name was Cole Newman. Tall and dark, with a rough handsome way about him. He had thick fingers like Charlie Parker, and piercingly dark eyes like a madman, or a genius. The first time we met, he was debating Platonic forms with the bike rack outside of the Rutgers Book Store in Ferren Mall. I was a young, idealistic freshman. He was nearly forty five. He sat, relaxing in the fall sunshine, his worldly possessions By Ben Schactman clanking about in a large burlap sack. His huge mind and razor sharp wit mesmerized me, but it was his soft demeanor and gentle charm that made me fall in love. Two and a half years have passed since that day, and much has changed. I am, and we two are, older, wiser, and perhaps now a little colder then we were on that afternoon in the heat of Indian summer. Over the many, many months we have been friends, lovers, allies, compatriots, partners, you get the idea. Recently, the every increasing demands of scholastic life left little time in my world for Cole, and our relationship cooled, and passed from everyday thought. Then, just recently, a friend asked me what my plans for St. Valentine’s day were. At that moment I knew just what I wanted to do, and who I wanted to do it with. Dinner for two, at Le Roi du Beeftek, as Cole called it. The soulful sounds of B.B. King greeted me as I held the door open for Cole, glad to get off the bustling hustle of George Street. We took a table near the back. My feet glided effortless over the ceramic floor. I was in ecstasy. Cole had a B.K. broiler, and I had the Italian Chicken sandwich. We split a large fries between us. For desert, we had a chocolate shake. Two straws, two kindred spirits, one magical night. We talked for hours. Cole was close to cracking a massive government conspiracy wide open. His aluminum can collection was feeling well after being sick this winter, I sent my warm regards. God not spoken to Cole recently, but he was convinced the lord was merely busy with his wayward sons in the Middle East. In a moment of silence our eyes met, and the unspoken blossoming of emotion captivated us both. We left hastily for me apartment with a new found vigor and lust. Quickly we were naked, we celebrated life, love, truth, beauty, and all the things that make this world worth inhabiting. I took him inside of me and he took me in turn. In the quiet moonlit hours of the night I wept with joy, and Cole held me. His burly black arms shielded me from everything, encircling me in safety, and in love. In the morning, I woke early, and rose while Cole was still sleeping. I made coffee and showered. I sat and watched Cole sleep, and it occurred to me that no one knew the true beauty of this man except me. No one but me cared for him, no one knew his whereabouts, no one else even knew of his existence. This breathtaking treasure, so obscured from view. No one would care if Cole Newman disappeared forever. So I stabbed him in the head with a spoon and ate his brains.
Wednesday: February 13th, 2002
GMG Special: How to Woo a Woman Many of our readers are alone and loveless on this Valentine’s Day, and for them, we at The Medium offer these clueless souls a short guide on how to turn a lonely, masturbation fueled night into one of unlimited sexual partners. Many people think that talking about politics or cars is something that women enjoy. This is untrue! The trick is to engage them in conversation that they themselves are interested in. I’ve found that the topics most women enjoy are which guys are hot, and about what other women are wearing! It’s date gold if you can mention which men you think are attractive, and then engage them in conversation about what that man would probably be like in bed. It takes a truly masculine man to be able to speak that way, and women respect it. Also, women love compliments! They are naturally insecure creatures, so be sure to complement them on everything they say or do. If they get a new hairstyle, compliment it! If they dress themselves in a way that pleases you, complement it! If they can eat complicated food that requires both a knife and a fork, you should compliment that too, because if you don’t some other guy will, you can be sure of that. Phrasing can be just as important as a compliment. For example: if you think she’s gotten a little thick in the hips, don’t say “So you’ve gained weight,” as that is a negative thing to say, and an instant sex-kill. Instead say, “Wow, I like the way you’ve swollen around by your thighs. Is it because of your period?” The reverse-psychology allows you to mention the added area around there in a way that gets her thinking about it, but doesn’t let her know you don’t like it. It shows that you care about their health, enjoy their appearance, and it provides the added bonus of letting you know whether you’re wasting your time trying to get some while she’s in a bad place. Lastly, (and if you followed these steps you probably shouldn’t need the last thing), remember that the cardinal rule of a successful wooing is: never let them get the upper hand. Women like strong, powerful men, so the best way to get this across, especially on a date, is to undermine anything important she has to say. The trick is, treat them like princesses, but never let them become the queen. If you manage to walk that line, than you are the perfect man! Enjoy your harem, and be sure to tell ‘em down at the love shack that Marty sent ya’!
ner: r o C y oetr P m u i Med A Poem for Ben Savage by Bobby Ritch
Corrections, Omissions and Retractions: *Last week, The Medium published a story that may have implied that the new model Jeep Liberty may have something to do with the human anus. We have checked this out and it is most assuredly untrue. We regret the error. *Also there was an article by “Brian Benson,” in which he stated that prostitution was a good thing, something to be encouraged. Unfortunately, the article neglected to mention that this “Brian Benson” died in 1978, when he choked to death while attempting to fellate an armchair. It was very shameful for his family. *John Minus is not black. *Walruses cannot drink their own urine, but this is a common urban myth. *Finally, the Asian Prince is actually black, although he has nothing to do politically or socially with the Little Prince nor Prince. He is, however Michael Jackson with a bad mustache. *Furthermore, we regret that this is not very funny. I tried to make it funny, I really did, but I have a learning disability, which affects my intelligence and my ability to open jars of mayonnaise. God, there I go again. Is
Late at night I think of you Ben Savage, of “Boy Meets World” fame I jerk off to images of you All while screaming your name mayonnaise funny? No, of course it isn’t, I’m ashamed of myself for even saying it. Do you think that’s funny? My shame? Well fuck you, people. You get off on the misery of others, having to admit our mistakes. Like when my parents told me that I wasn’t supposed to be born. I suppose that’s funny you cocksuckers, bet you find it hilarious that they didn’t want me to be upset about it either. Ha ha ha. Eat me you fucking bastards. You rat fucking cocksucking motherfucking assfaced cockjamming jizzmoppers. You dick cock fartsucking shitfaced manrammers! May you all feel the force of a burly man within your colon. *Correction: May you feel the force of ten burly, sweaty men in your colon, and may you eat your own fingers off before the day is out. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Submit to mbabitz@eden. Or else.
I stayed home on Friday nights Just to watch your show Ben Savage, God, I want you Your penis needs a blow from me I know your career has turned to shit I know your life is empty I know you are in dire need of sex We’ll use the condoms Urkel lent me Your curly hair, your angel eyes It was truly meant to happen For me to fix breakfast for you And for you to sit in my lap, man Oh, rescue me, Ben Savage From this prison they call Rutgers I need you to tear up my asshole And you need me to fuck yers
Wednesday, February 13th, 2002
“You’ve got the Touch. You’ve got the Power.”
Features
The Rise and Fall of Ronald McDonald
Overcoming Down Syndrome
By Terry Davison
By Britney Spears Hi you guys! By know everybody knows me as America’s favorite pop star/ actress/ pseudo-virgin cock tease. But what many people don’t know is that I’ve got Down syndrome. That’s right, I’m severely retarded. Come on, don’t act so surprised. Why else would I be smiling blankly all the time? Growing up with Down syndrome was tough at first. The worst part was when the other kids at school would make demeaning jokes or throw garbage at me. But, my mother was a huge help. When I would get really frustrated, she would sit me down and saw to me, “Baby, it doesn’t matter if you have Down syndrome. As long as you work hard enough and love our divine lord Jesus Christ with all your heart you WILL become a world famous pop sensation. Oh yeah Britney’s Down does not honey, if you fail you’re out of the family, you Syndrome affect her “personal Mongoloid fuck. Now get back to the dance routine time” with Evil Dad Liquid Kids,” before I beat you like a redheaded step child!” It from says Spears’ Publicist was motivational speeches like these that inspired me not to give up during those hellish eight-hour practices my mom would force, uh… I mean, encourage me to do every night. It was really, really hard but totally worth it. I mean what other retard do you know whose wealthy enough uses pure silk tampons every month. Another pillar of strength for me is my beautiful boyfriend Justin Timberlake. When we were both little Mouseketeers back in the day he would always tell me that my Down syndrome was barely noticeable, even when I’d fall down too much. I really love how supportive he can be, especially when it comes to respecting my decision to abstain from sexual intercourse until we are bound together in holy matrimony. Justin never complains. Instead of bugging me about sex, he’ll just call up his special friend Ricardo and they’ll go out to do guy stuff. You know, things like basketball, shoe shopping, or a relaxing massage in a Turkish bathhouse. Oh, my sweet little Justin is the best boyfriend a retarded girl could ever have! Its humbling to think I went from being that girl who had to ride the ‘special’ bus to school everyday to being one of the most influential performers in nation. I guess it shows that America is becoming tolerant enough to accept a person with Down syndrome as a role model. It also proves that a lot of people are sexually attracted to the retarded. We do make passionate, passionate lovers. Bye-ee for now!
The McDonalds Gang: a fun loving bunch of colorful characters that spend their time enticing you to fill your mouth with delicious varieties of what might very well possibly be meat. But it seems that under the surface, there is something else these playful people love, and that happens to be cock, cock and needles and anything you can snort. Ronald McDonald, caring loving clown, but more than that. When not showing children how much fun it is to be at McDonalds, its cocaine, buttsex, heroin, and buttsex that occupy this clown college dropout’s time. Living in the bomb shelter underneath a Ronald McDonald’s children’s home gives him and his friends the privacy they crave in which to carry on their lewd and filthy hobbies as well as a ready supply of prescription drugs which they pilfer from upstairs. However all was not well in McDonald land, Ronald’s supplier and long time fellow sodomite Grimace, the “purple people eater” had his eye on another conquest, the Frys Guy’s and their many long, hard, grease covered appendages. So while the bedroom fires were burning 7 nights a week for Ronald and Grimace, during the day Grimace was getting plugged in every hole by deep fried potato love sticks. All was well and good until Ronald came home from work early one day to find a sticky fry orgy with his purple piece of ass at the middle. From eyewitness reports (Hamburglar was the camera man for the filthfest), a screaming and distraught Ronald left the room after snorting what could have only been PCP if later accounts are held to be true. A screaming, sweating Ronald returned to the room, hunting knife in one hand, cock in the other and began screaming and slicing and stroking. When police reached the scene all that remained were several large pieces of potato, a terrified beef kleptomaniac shivering in the closet, and a trail of purple goo leading to “…the most horrifying fucking thing ever.” Reported Detective on the scene Blake Nixon. In the corner of a deserted ally, there was a stabbing and humping Ronald, thrusting his dick into any hole he could find, or even make on Grimaces body screaming “…Give it to me you filthy piece of shit, give it to me!” The officers, being that they “cant fucking stand faggots” according to Mr. Nixon, opened fire on the thrusting clown. Services will be held for both as soon as the semen is cleaned from their flesh and intestines.
An Explanation of Ash Wednesday Medium Poetry Corner X-Tra (For all the Things We Love) For those of you unfamiliar, Alexander the Poet has been something of a fixture around both Rutgers and the Medium, as possibly the only person at Rutgers who gets in trouble quite as often as we do. So ATP, go tell it on the mountain:
“Mr. McGreevey Does Rutgers”
I thank Mister McGreevey For ousting Fran Lawrence Now we all are more cheery We all think, good riddance! Now a new list of requests Which all of us agree That would make Rutgers the best Best university Teach TAs to learn English Turn the girls at Douglass straight Give us more parking spaces Get the guys in Chess Club laid Lower price of tuition Kill this thing called Calculus Give us some prostitution McGreevey, do this for us!
Send articles to: mbabitz@eden.rutgers.edu
by Alexander The Poet 02/11/02
Medium meetings are: 9:00 PM Wed. at the Livingston Student Ctr., Room 113
by An Ill Informed Man People ask me all the time about things. I tells them, I say “people,” what do you want to know. My vast mental library of information is yours for the perusal. So yesterday, my buddy Artie asks me what the deal is with Ash Wednesday, why all those Christians or Catholics or whatever put stuff on their heads one day a year. Truthfully, I think Artie thought I’d be stumped by that one, but I says “Artie, here’s why they do it:” A long time ago, in the times of the Greeks or whatever, they used to burn people for being witches. Now these people weren’t always witches, but that’s neither here nor there. Now this Jesus guy comes by, and he gets pretty upset by all this burning, so he causes thisplague of locusts to come down and eat everyone. The ancient Greeks, well I guess they thought that was pretty much witch behavior, so they rounded him and his consorts up and burned them all. Before they were going to exectute these guys though, they let them have this last dinner. See Jesus knew they was going to burn him the next day, so he hatches this plan with his buddies, Joseph, Matthew, Magnum, Murdoch and BA to escape the Greeks before they all got torched as witches. To make a long story short, they set this big fire in the city, and built this big catapult out of stuff they found in their dinner place. They shot themselves out of town before the fire spread to them, but not before Jesus got this big smooch from the King of the Greeks’ hot daughter Olivia. Then he lived happlily ever after with her in Paris. Once a year, Jesus’ followers mark their heads with symbolic ashes to remember that he escaped burning, and instead burned down Greece, stopping the evil King Haman in his evil plots.
Arts
“Not now Maw, I’m masturbating.”
Two Jews on Porn
Wednesday, February 13th, 2002
Don’t like the shit on my page? Then send me an article, dumbass. tequilaxmockingbird @yahoo.com
by Cody Burke & Jason Herskovitz Greetings Jews and Gentiles! For our triumphant return, we thought it’s time for us to give back to the community. So, in honor of Livingston’s proclaimed diversity (as orchestrated as it may be), we review our first all-interracial porno, Once You Go Black. Also, this is the first DVD adult feature film we’ve forced ourselves to sit through. And, let me tell you folks, the clarity of this trash is simply amazing, right down to the fly crawling across the white skank’s carcass. But we’ll get to the film’s merits in just a moment. Cody? Cody: Jason, I should banish you from my condo for bringing over this colossal piece of shit. If I wanted to see crack whores going at it with crazed tattooed guys I would have invited over the neighbors. Jason: There’s a serious threat, never allowed back to a development where you could get buzzed into any building by answering, “Who is it?” with “Your parole officer.” C: Let’s leave my neighbors out of this. I suspect even they have the common sense not to wager sexual favors over a game of backgammon, as in the first scene. J: That’s right! You heard him correctly, not only our first interracial porn, and our first smut DVD, but the first, and let’s hope only time backgammon is an integral part of pornography. Now, I’ve been to Grandma’s raunchy bridge games, but never was subjected to Strip Backgammon, (I only visited on the weekends). C: I’m sure grandma’s complex would have loved this film, especially the pool table fuck scene. J: Well, of course! In fact, it was filmed in the rec-center of the Covered Bridge retirement village. C: Jay, I didn’t see any seniors there with the Latoya Jackson look alike peeping from outside. Then again, the rockabilly garage band music may have scared them off. J: Look alike!? That was Latoya! Apparently, hit hard times, what? after Playboy, infomercial failure, and family disownment; the next obvious step: porno extra, masturbating on the patio. Well, either she was greasin’ the nub, or had some serious crotch itch. C: My money is on insect bites. Probably received while she was watching scene 2 in the hay loft. Yes, it was a fun day outside at the country fair. Clowns, balloons, cotton candy, hay rides, … J: and the much anticipated, “Get Schlonged by Lando Calrissian!” booth, just 25¢! “Oooo, Mom can I have a quarter!? PLEEEASE!?” “Wait your turn!! Mommy first!” C: I’m not sure what’s worse, that disturbing image, or the look on the actress’ face when he tried to shove that deformed dong up the Hershey® Highway. J: For fuck’s sake Cody, what in God’s name happened to that poor guy!? Looks like his hot dog was left on the grill too long. His body’s brown, but the Jimmy Dean AllBeef Sausage: charbroil black. C: It was quite repulsive. I’m surprised his co-star “Wilma” didn’t walk off the set after she saw it. Then again, her crotch was quite scary as well. J: True that, looser than Livingston’s own flesh peddlers, as though her flailing labia was used in tractor-pull competitions. Then again, the vagina isn’t exactly the most visually pleasing of body parts. C: Yea, the flies that were buzzing around her abdomen realized that and made a quick exit when they came upon her love mound. Come to think of it Jay, even the insects couldn’t be bothered with this dung heap of a film.
The Adventures of Z-Funk Creatio ex Nihilo, Whoomp There It Is by Jessica Chandra, Staff Writer After numerous interviews, and long grueling hours of research, I was finally able to piece together the beginnings of this legend that I have coined, “Z-Funk”. So many have come to me asking, “Who is this Z-Funk?” “Who is this mystery man?” Well, the story goes a little something like this: In the beginning there were the heavens and the earth, and let’s not forget the Quads on Livingston campus. One bright September day 3 years ago, in the middle of the Quads came from nowhere a rustling sound, and out of without warning the sky became engulfed with blackened clouds, and lighting rods assaulted the earth with such force and fury that even Yorba closed down. Orbs of tumbleweed paraded around permeating all that was in its path; clearing away a crop circle of sorts, all in preparation for the miracle about to take place. Then at once the heavens fervently parted as did the red sea when in contact with Moses’ sacred staff, and from the heavens tumbled a being of sorts. He lay there, in fetal position, completely nude for the world to marvel in awe of his beauty. And it was he. Perfect, with his shiny hair that exuded the faintest scent of mint, and dimples that were carved out by God himself. He lay there, still…and when the unruliness of the winds waned to give way to the people, they all just stood there, aghast, dumbfounded by what they had just been bestowed the honor of being witness to. Suddenly, there was movement, and the leader of Livingston’s tribe, Maximus (pronounced Maximoose), approached him and said, “Who are you?” He slowly turned his head and emitted from his most tender of lips to the world the first of his many utterances: “Don’t I look money?” His valor, his charm, and unparalleled wit are all so…money, ya’heard?.
“Tootie”
(To Maximus, Biggie-Z, PimpRU, and Ricki… ‘stay fresh, stay clean, and as always, this shit is money’)
J: Neither could Blair, Jo, Natalie, or Mrs. Garrett, but Tootie was available for this casting call. Oh, she tried to disguise herself in that nasty-ass Tina Turner wig and Payless stilettos, but that was her alright! I guess the roller-skates gave it away. C: “You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have….”
The cover of the porno being reviewed. Apparently it’s pretty bad, so take note of how it looks in case you pick it up the at the Playtime Boutique.
Tune in next week for another exciting installment of...Two Jews On Porn!!!
Here’s to lab partners who know what they’re doing... to friends who bring out the talkative side in an otherwise quiet person... to interspecies dating between housecats and iguanas.
Feel the love at the Medium meeting. Tonight at 9:00 Livingston Student Center 113
Look at the fucking calendar. To those morons on the 6th floor of Hardenburgh: You're a bunch of fucking imbeciles. I'm specifically referring to the idiots who are constantly blasting their music to the point where I can't sleep, the idiots who litter the hallway with pizza boxes and chicken bones every weekend because they're too lazy to throw their garbage out. For Christ's fucking sake, it's practically like you're forcing me to roll around in your feces. Also, if I hear one more AoL Instant Messenger "bling" at full blast through my wall, will feed you a meal of cum. You're really pissing me and my roommate off, and if this bullshit doesn't stop, you will taste our sweaty cocks as they throb and pulsate, spewing viscous globules of bloody manjuice down your gagging throats. (Party pooper. I think you are just jealous that you aren’t included in their mansex.) Your “NYC Events” addition is a good idea, but you have a list of gay-ass indie bands that none of your reading audience has ever heard of. So why even bother? Think about the student body that reads this retarded paper. Some of them, like me, get stoked to see a list of artists that are performing in and around our local area within the next couple weeks. But it’s a big fuckin let down to see an apreciated edition to a school paper announce that bands like Wingnut or Breaking Pangaea is playing at the C.B.G.B. Who the fuck are these beat-ass bands?, and where the fuck is C.B.G.B.? You should post all the dates that H to the IZZO will be gracing NYC—nah, just kiddin about that one. But seriously, get your shit together; I see that you copied a good idea here, the same one that both The Medium and the Inside Beat has, so don’t waste it—put some dope-ass funky musicians up there.Peace. Sincerely, Butternuts P.S. It’d be phatif you print this. Thanks (You are an asshole. Number one, if you liked music so much considering how much you anticipate artists coming to town, you would know what the C.B.G.B. is. It is the most famous punk club ever. Number two, if you have a problem with What’s Shakin, then send it to What’s Shakin. Then she can beat the hell out of you. Seriously.)
“Wouldn’t it be really funny if you shaved your ass hair into a heart?”
Who let the dogs out? (I think the real question here is, Who let the babies out?) Ring! Ring! It’s the whore phone for you! I hate that fucking herpes ridden wench that lives in my building. Go live in a frat, that way you don’t have 500 different guys in and out of your room on every given night. We all know you’re a whore and that you’ve got just about every STD that exists at Slut-gers so at least have the common courtesy to fuck your friends in the basement of the building near the garbage cans because that’s where you belong you white trash piece of shit. And oh yeah, remember those condoms that you found in your room, I bet you didn’t know your rommate put holes in all of them with pins so you’d get knocked up, and let us live in peace. All you motherfuckers are gonna pay, You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We’re gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once I get to New Brunswick and find those RU fucks who are making fun of me, I’m gonna make em eat my shit, then shit out my shit, then eat their shit which is made up of my shit that I made em eat. Then you’re all fucking next. (Go back to then! When? Now! We can’t! Why not? We just missed it. When will then be now? Soon.) To Pupper, I miss you, when you come back, can we have a threesome with that hot stud named Dr. Teeth? I would love that and so would my vagina. Love, Pooty.
Personals
To whoever keeps writing to Here I sit, brokenhearted. No, Minus and sending it to the seriously I am. Why don’t anypersonals, fuck you in the ear. one kiss me like they mean it? listen to the indians talk This goes to that fucker who listen to the indians talk is in my MTH3 Lecture in listen to the indians talk Scott Hall. I heard listen to the you talking indians the whole talk entire liste fucking n lecture, as did the three rows in front of me. If you plan on talking about your whore slut douche bag of a Rutgers Slut, be sure to keep your voice down, we don’t want to hear how you were sodomized by her and her dog. Who cares l how big the dogs dong was? isten Bet it was bigger than yours to the you fucking loser. If you’re indians talk. to talk. listen to the indians planning on coming to Micro again, and talking the entire To those stupid fucking asians fucking hour and twenty who all like the same thing, why minutes, I’ll stab my pens do you all like bubble tea? and pencils into your eyes fucking fags... what the fuck is so you’ll shut the fuck up with all the confomist shit. why (I think I know this guy. Some do you all look the same and guy was sucking my cock last act the same? I can’t even meet night and kept bitching about an asian who is unlike the how mine wasn’t as big as asian next to them. It some dog. Stab one of those doesn’t make any sense be- pens in his eye for me.) cause you’re bothering Dear Personals – My me, you’re writing right next relationship has gotten boring, to me. suck a cheetah’s dick. you editors usually have suck a llama’s shitty asshole exciting things to say about sex, This one goes out to the cutie any suggestions how our rewith the two earrings and black lationship could be improved? hat who rode the “A” bus last (I would love to help you, Monday evening. Yeah, I no- however, you did not leave a ticed you changed seats! Just clever alias such as looking at you got me sooo “Clueless in Clothier” or worked up that I had to skip “Bonerless in Brower.” class to rub my kitty! Therefore, I cannot help. reading kids!) (You don’t masturbate in Keep
To the girl I’ll be fucking all this up coming weekend, let’s get really drunk and video tape it! (Get me a copy. Please. I’m so low on porn that my penis has gone permanently impotent = Not fun.) RU, why are you so gay? Why do you limit bandwideth, then send out emails when a person downloads 550 MB in one week, when the allowance is 2.0GB? I bet you’re gonna start limiting the frozen yogurt at the dining halls so you can save money to put it into the football team. to weird nudist colony websites, stop showing up when I’m searching for porn on engine searches, you keep down my boner and that is no fun. love, my penis to RB- why are you such a fucking loser? next time you think a girl is available and likes you back, run the other way as fast as you can so that you don’t do anything stupid such as liking you back. this will save you a lot of pain next time. (Ouch.) to Zeta Psi - Thank you for all the buttsex you’ve provided me with this semester. I can only hope I can write about it as well as you give it to me. I love you guys! Take care! Love, your assholiest member. I went to IHOP earlier tonight and saw the picture. I went to IHOP earlier tonight and saw the picture.I went to IHOP earlier tonight and saw the picture. I went to IHOP earlier tonight and saw the picture. (One time, my friend went to IHOP and he demanded they make him a BLT with waffles in place of bread.) for your movie reviews, go to www.bigempire.com/filthy Filthy loves all of you.
www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net www.themedium.net
class like the rest of us? Let me tell you something, it’s a lot of fun and makes the day go by so much quicker. )
Hate Fran Lawrence? Really hate Fran Lawrence? Are you black? If so, those crazy Caellian women are throwing a giant Anti-Fran bash on Valentine’s Day celebrate our love for his resignation. Fran has done us proud by Date: Valentine’s Day the 14th quitting and we hope that you will attend. Time: 2 to 6 pm B I T C H ! Place: Old Queens (not the bar, idiots)
to Joy and Dave - sorry I ralphed all over you carpet last weekend. I tried to hold it in, but of course I cannot because I’m gay and can’t keep anything settled that doesn’t come from a penis! Hope you two forgive me... Love, gayass. to Martin- I love it when you clip my toenails and I know you love it when I clip yours. Too bad you aren’t gay, that way we could suck each other’s cocks... Too bad. I’ll be trying to break my neck ton i g h t .
No TV and no beer make Dr. Teeth something something. P E R S O N A O T H W A S T I N S P A C T S A V T I M
L F E G E O E E
to your mom - you called last night to say you enjoyed sex (Your mom.)
Personals Personals EditorsRemember this brrring, brrrrring, hello cheese? No cheese can’t answer the phone (what the hell are you talking about? I hope the other guy gets this, cause I sure don’t. Blah blah blah.) Who let the dogs out? Roof, roof, roof, roof. (whoever taught this kid to read and write it was a mistake.) bb To the stupid kid with messy hair who always sits next to me in the CAC computer lab. I hate you and I don’tknow why you are so mean to me. Just don’t talk to me anymore and I won’t help you with your photoshop and pagemaker problems. You suck. Get out of my life. I don’t like you. I hate this fucking world. Why are people so stupid. I can’t stand to talk to one more ignorant person. I just want to go to sleep and have people leave me alone. GRRRR.
to all the dykes on douglass, stop being so fucking gay, you are giving us straight girls a bad name. suck some fucking dick like the rest of us. I am sick of people thinking I'm gay cuz I go to this cuntrag school. all us straight girls at douglass should stand up and say I LIKE COCK! (I like cock. I like Cock. I like COCK. I LIKE COCK! I LOVE COCK! COCK COCK COCK COCK. I am finally able to express my NEED for COCK.) pipe fitters are the laziest sons of bitches on the face of the planet, right behind CSO's (The Chinese Student Organization? I thought they were quite active with arranging their little formals...) dear john, you are on the bottom of the page where you b e l o n g
“Ferguson W. Darling” If you’re into ass or boobs, tell me, I want a man who knows what he wants. I know I want a man with a huge cock. size matters. I dont care what other women say, but I don’t want a little weiner that flaps around in the wind. i want a made who can hold his own and I want a man who’s not afraid to jerk off in front of me. ewww. you stupid perverts. stop reading this and send me some damn personals. unibutt@mad.scientist.com
Banana Day, February 13, 2002
To my slutty Filopinno best friend, Pixie Thanx for fucking me over with house for next year Some how you’re managed to screw me again Don’t expect me to be stopping by anytime soon, at least until I get a new house. Have fun fuckingyour newly devirginized chubby emo bf till then Thanx for nothing
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!
yo beautiful chinese chick living in silver, i am so sorry i fucked up your car. i want to make it up to you with to paul the albino. you are my huge cock, for an asian its poop. okay goodnight. i pretty big please say you’ll couldn’t think of anything else accept my apology by to say. from the girls. rounding you beautiful perky to the editors of the Douglass This is an ad for someone who lips around my thick member yearbook, the Quair: FUCK wants to shave Ritch’s ass. It’s and then i’ll return the favor. YOU GOD DAMN really hairy, but he’s a stud if (huge cock? thick member? LESBIAN BITCHES My you don’t mind. He’ll even put can’t be possible. all asians name is Beckman MAN not in a free felating if you’re in have small cocks. it’s a MAM. Stupid shits should the mood and I know proven fact. I’m asian and know how to proofread before you’ll be in the mood. mine is terribly small.) graduating from Rutgers. Oh (WOW! A hairy ass?! Just wait the MAN part must have my rank 6 Fianna can kick any what I wanted for Valentine’s 5th gen leeches ass confused you Douglass queers day. Ritch, can I shave at quair. BeckMAN as in Man, my HitMark IV can kill any your ass and then plural MEN. Men I like you send fucking. Mam is an old woman, lick it? TEEHEE. ) werewolf such as the likes you will all Mr. Banana says send us pathetic soon be before your time due personals editors some personals to lack of dick.
above is a banana. It is a type of fruit. Do not let the perverts of The Medium tell you otherwise. It is not there to represent a PENIS. Happy Valentine’s Day!!! Banana cake is always the way to go! I really really do not like to make up personals, so why don’t you send us some you fucking faggot.thanks alot. love, me (the better half).
there’s nothing worse than a boney ass sticking into your lap...unless of course it’s a bone sticking into your because ... well just because...now go to your (that is clearly NOT a ass...hahaha, but seriously mistake, unfortunately you folks i’m here all weekend so.. email account... good... now open it and type do have the curse of the last mom, dad,i’d like to come out something not sucky and send it to name Beckman though, no of the closet, my “girlfriend” unibutt@mad.scientist.com. offense to Ryan Beckmans sue is really my “lifemate” Kip Good little kiddies! Now don’t forget the dot e v e r y w h e r e . ) Diskin... he’s really nice... dad after mad and after scientist. Now pat yourself I'm going to make a club called he likes the packers too. Love on the back for a job well done. (There better C.O.C.K.S.U.C.K.E.R.S. for and kisses - Burt all straight women at douglass (this makes absolutely no be some fucking personals in our mailbox or you’re all gonna be ass fucked by (you do that... then the sense - this person is lucky womenists will kick i printed this stupid French Canadians.) your stinkin’ ass and piece of fecal matter.) the caelian bakes cookies - To all Ryan Beckmans...you then rape you. lucky you.) remember when asians stayed love, the Review fucking suck, unless your it is too late to do anything - in their chinky place and didn't (Oooooh someone’s gonna middle name is George, then i need to sleep. try to be black? that was the get their ass kicked by the you are God and the hottest of good old days. I tell my geieeep~!! Caellian... but I think Jesse all Ryan Beckmans out there. sha girl that every day Fischer might want a The rest just don’t exist. good ass spanking.) chocolately if you are reading goodness this, you are gay. to white men stop trying to asswipe poop if you are not steal our fine azian honeys from us yo. you can't compete with readour R-Types and fly-ass clothes eat ing this, yo. the AzianSensation will shit you are wipe you out. don't be comin still for our asian women they only use you for money anyway. AZN-ZENsation GAY! you (they leave you because the GAY! white man have bigger penis stink homo! than yellow man.) fag! cuntrag! most Cook students can't find did i just take Boob! bitch! poo. their asshole with two hands or POOTY! Eat it! and a flashlight. The ones who aspirin c y a n i d e ? ? SUCK IT!!!!!!! can recognize it cuz it looks just like the cows assholes. unibutt@mad.scientist.com www.themedium.net so hungry w w w . t h e m e d i u m . n e t unibutt@mad.scientist.com www.themedium.net
HEY LIVINGSTON STUDENTS!
MAKE A DIFFERENCE ON YOUR CAMPUS! JOIN THE LIVINGSTON COLLEGE GOVERNING ASSOCIATION! MEETINGS: MONDAYS, 8 PM, LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ROOM 113
Almost Valentine’s Day, February 13, 2002 to the lame ass loser of a personals editor who sticks chopsticks up his asshole , why don’t you start sticking my dick up your asshole instead. Love, the other personals editor <3 Oh sholy. Sandra Bullock is so evil. She is as bad as a blind one legged midget that cant dance to La Bouche. On an another note, Any man who knows how to wear makeup, should respond to this personal. A real man wears makeup..mm. Indian Headdresses. Penile cheesecake... Agnostic Pot-Heads..Gestapo Fat loud Hoes~!
Personals
“Your face makes my tongue burn...”
To that hot dominican papi ****** from Nicholas CWing @ Cook- I want you so b a d . . . H A P P Y VALENTINE'S DAY!!! -Your secret admirer
are you sick and tired of reading stoopid personals? Well, so am I, so send some personals because I’m gay and eat shit. unibutt@mad.scientist.com
To that hot guy with the really curly hair in my architecture class, why don’t you come over and play with me after class? I’m waiting for you. Love, the girl next to you.
Happiness is a gift you give for free. Break into a neighbor’s house and paint all the walls pink. Or tell a stranger you have an angel in your pocket then ask them to touch it.
unibutt@mad.scientist.com unibutt@mad.scientist.com
Happy Valentine’s Day, Ryan. I love you, puppy ass licker pie To my roommate, you should do something about your snoring because it keeps me up, along with half of the floor. I’ve contemplated sticking socks in your mouth, but I’m scared of your reaction of having something foreign in your mouth. (You should go for it while you have the opportunity, I wanted to put itching powder on my roommate but then she moved out.)
( u m m ? ? ? . . . . ) To my new stat teacherDude you seriously rock! You’re so much more interesting then our old teacher who had the class sleeping for the hour and twenty minute class that I personally couldn’t stand. Hope you do a good job, and oh yeah let’s gamble so we can toss a nice stat kegger.
I luv you
To Anna: I love the way your blond hair moves when the wind blows it. I can’t imagine going on another day w/o you. please tell me you’ll be my valentine sweet sweet annutta. (whoa, someone sure has it bad for you Anna, why don’t you find out who this romeo is so he can serenade you...)
To my girlfriend of almost 3 years – I’m so glad that I’m getting to see you on valentines day. I’m also ecstatic that your roommate is going to be out of town for the weekend. We can catch up on all that sex that we’ve been missing. I’ve got some very exciting things planned for us, so don’t plan (whoa, there’s a teacher on getting much sleep the that doesn’t make entire weekend. you fall asleep?) (that’s disgusting. Who is it a bad thing when i am able has sex with their to lick my own nipples and my girlfriends anyway? It’s girlfriend can’t ?? about cheap sluts that Join us for a naked dance tonight at all (it doesn’t matter just as blow you all night... I know long as that bitch can Livingston Student Room 113 @ 9:00 that’s what I’m doing suck your dick.) on Valentine’s Day. ) janice & dr. teeth say hi w w w . t h e m e d i u m . n e t nothing ruins a game like a the doom generation is the my favorite part about orange bunch of second generation best/worst movie ever juice is the pulp it feels like little Medium Readers, what do we have to do paraplegic strippers silver don't turn lead, herd nugs of semen sweimming to get you guys to send us some around inside of my mouth. no way, minus. my 8th gen can now suffer the wrath of ZIM
damn personals? I’ll suck on your dick if I have to and shove a great giant vibrating dildo up your ass while I’m at it. Just send us some fucking personals at UNIBUTT@MAD.SCIENTIST.COM!!!
Don’t forget the dot after MAD and after SCIENTIST! dear john minus: i like you, do you like me (circle one) yes no fuck this. send personals. yes, this is filler cause i suck as a personals editor & this fucking circle is in the way. fuck.
Garfield By Ben Schactman
www.sponsoredbydiesel.com
Pleasure is making friends wet with your joy juice. Ask neighbors to join you in a bath of goat’s milk. Or give everyone a cake made of your heart, and laugh as they choke on your love.
(don’t you ever say that again - nothing tastes as good as semen in my mouth)
Freedom is a feeling you celebrate with the world. Let’s make cakes not weapons. Let’s visit the plastic surgeon and replace arms with wings. This may cost a lot of money. WoD Con -- ask minus for info (what’s up with all these minus references? he doesn’t know anything. He’s black.)
whoop your pansy ass bone What happened to Patrick, the gnawer any day bus driver of the EE? I miss him
Penis Facts: Percentage of men whose penises hang to the left: Average erection angle (degrees above horizontal): Average number of nocturnal erections per night: Average duration of nocturnal erection (minutes): Average ejaculatory speed (mph): Average ejaculatory distance (inches): Average ejaculatory volume (teaspoon): Average number of orgasms a man will have: Amount of sleep spent erect per night (hours): Average flaccid penis length (inches): Largest record penis (inches): Smallest record penis (inches):
75 15 5 20-30 28 24 1 6,500 3-4 3.4 13.5 0.4
information provided by details magazine
This goes out to that stupid w w w . t h e m e d i u m . n e t faggot that was making fun CELEBRATE of Laura in Jameson in ASS WEDNESDAY and last weeks issue. Everyone VALENTINE’S DAY TOGETHER knows that its okay to make fun of gays. Much like midgets they are devilspawn with no feelings. (very true, everyone knows that homosexuals and midgets were put on this earth to be ridiculed.)
ass provided by beckboy. thank you beckboy for your tight white bottom. ash provided by your mom. thank you mom.
What’s Shakin’
“If tampons are bullets, then I’ve just been shot”
Wednesday, February 13, 2002
NYC EVENTS Wed 2/13 shannonwright - Brownies Pete Francis - Fez Under Time Dee Dee Bridgewater - Iridium Jazz Club Celebrate the career (more like the termination thereof) of Fran Lawrence! Concrete Blonde - Knitting Factory Thu 2/14 Come to We Love Fran Lawrence Day, Luis Miguel - Madison Square Garden on the lawn of Old Queens from 2-6 pm on Alejandro Escovedo - Makor Valentine’s Day! Music and free food! Luther Vandross - Radio City Music Hall James Armstrong - Terra Blues Suburban Dog - The Triad Fri 2/15 Deep Banana Blackout - Irving Plaza Karmablind - Kenny’s Castaways Addison Groove Project - Lion’s Den And WS shall spend this Valentine’s Day Ben Kweller - Mercury Lounge drunk on a dirty mattress - gotta keep with traAnthrax - Roseland dition! But before we all get alcohol poisoning, Judas Priest - Roseland Ty Stephens & Romantasy - Soul Cafe send your events to Stand - The Parlour xenawrrprncs@hotmail.com, and don’t forget Sat 2/16 the dental dam! Krakatoa - Knitting Factory Smit Haus - Lion’s Den Church Of Betty - Makor Free Radicals - Makor Azure Ray - Mercury Lounge The Good Life - Mercury Lounge Mary Mary - Radio City Music Hall Sun 2/17 Poncho Sanchez - B.B. King’s Blues Club Dee Dee Bridgewater - Iridium Jazz Club Thomas Mapfumo & The Blacks Unlimited - Joe’s Pub Reunion Show -Mercury Lounge Celebrate Black History Mon 2/18 Month with one of its most Brian Jonestown Massacre - Brownies notorious hairstyles. If you The Asteroid #4 - Brownies Living Daylights - Knitting Factory know what it’s called (and Stand - Knitting Factory you’re not a moron), come to Tue 2/19 a Medium Meeting tonight at Vonda Shepard - B.B. King’s Blues Club Milemarker - Brownies 9 in the Livingston Student Karmablind - Elbow Room Center, room 113, and tell us Team Rock-It - Elbow Room about it! Living Daylights - Knitting Factory Dead Meadow - Mercury Lounge
This Valentine’s Day is dedicated to all those who are on the rag Love your CUNT!!!! It’s done more for you than any guy ever will!