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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume XXXIX Issue XVI
Latest Bailout Measure Fails as Congress Tries to Escape Capitol BY ABA SEBABA STAFF WRITER
Washington, D.C.– The government’s latest sub prime bailout tactic backfired yesterday with the sudden collapse of the Washington D.C. housing market. A quorum of Senators was not present to vote on the measure, as they were all at their respective realtors trying to sell their homes before the bottom dropped out of the market. Expert analysts are blaming the crisis on Obama’s recent bipar-
50¢
February 18th, 2009
tisan move into the White House. A friendly neighborhood white guy stated, “I mean, what do these people expect? Economists can never predict anything; all they know to do is explain what already happened. When a black man moves into a predominantly white neighborhood, the value of the immediate real estate goes down. My eight year old niece could have told you that!” Industry housing expert spokesman Christian Jones has repeatedly been quoted saying “You can’t spell realty without reality.”
Due to Economy, Larry the Cable Guy Becomes Actual Cable Guy BY MOJO MORRISON STAFF WRITER
The South, USA- Everyday we are reminded of changes made because of the economy. Now, the semifunny stand up comedian “Larry the Cable Guy” will be making a change in his career. He will now be working as an actual cable guy. ”We hired him right off the bat, I mean, his fucking name has “the cable guy” in it. whaddya stupid?” Said Angelo Marinara, representative of the cable company. And school, Fugetaboutit. Like I just said, his fucking name has Cable guy in it, bada bing, capiche? It has
been confirmed with Mr. Marinara that “Git-R-done” will be the new company slogan. Changes have been made with Comedy Central, who had previous engagements with Mr. Cable Guy. His roast which was scheduled for next month, will be changed to a pledge drive. In an interview with a Comedy Central Representative , the rep said “Fuck me! We need Money! Are you donating money to us? No? Then get off the phone!” Additionally, Larry is changing his next stand up special to a career seminar: “Internships, resumes, and opportunities. How to
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Slipknot, Coldplay Debate Over Suckitude of ‘Viva La Vida’ BY G CONTRIBUTING WRITER
London, England- Slipknot vocalist Corey Taylor made headlines in the music industry when he was on MTV2 by saying that Coldplay’s Grammy Award winning album ‘Viva la Vida’ was one of the most, “celebratory pieces of shit he had ever heard in his whole fucking life”, and that it was, “music to wipe your ass to”. We asked for an interview with Mr. Taylor, but all we could get from him was guttural sounds and excessive swearing that we cannot publish in this article. To verify that ‘Viva la Vida’ was indeed “music to wipe your ass to”, we played the album in it’s entirety to 10 random Rutgers Students. After a long and intensive process of actually being forced to listen to utter crap, results were
shocking. Five students had to be sent to the hospital for extreme ear trauma, three suffered from seizures, one student’s head exploded, and one was actually able to withstand the album so that he could take a crap and wipe his ass with the bio-degradable, eco-friendly CD casing. We asked this student how it felt to wipe his ass using Coldplay and he said, “It felt kinda soft and smooth on the hole. But the album sucks ass. Whoever listens to Coldplay is legitimately insane. They copied Joe Satriani’s song and used it in one of their songs, which was called ‘Viva la Dumbass’ I think. How did they even win a Grammy for this shit?”. After our results we’re confirmed, we then asked Chris Martin for an interview. Unfortunately, his agent responded that, “Chris is currently under close psychiatric care after hearing Mr. Taylor’s re-
marks. He has been scared for life and wants an apology from Slipknot and Corey Taylor.” Slipknot responded to this by sending a giant
middle finger to Coldplay and excessively taunting them with their scary masks and screaming, which made Chris Martin cry some more.
Pictured: TOTAL DICK-KNOCKING TURD BAGS.
Every Post-Pubescent Boy’s Dream Paper ESTABLISHED 1970
THE MEDIUM Contents
NEWS
“METAL METALLLLLLLL GRugguaraoARGhGHAahaGhAGaH!”
News News Features Opinions Arts Personals Boobies!? Whats Shakin’
Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13 Page 14 Page 15 Page 16
It’s 3AM FUCK THIS JIZZLER (Cunt) Colin = Asian The Moffatts That’s Tight Re: Page 16
Lucky Charms to Become ‘Lethal Charms’ BY MAXIMUS VAGINUS INSERTUS SUPREMUS STAFF WRITER
Golden Valley, MN- In a “I don’t hate them all, I just press conference today held think they should be put in by the Leprechaun Council a seperate camp, so they can of Elders, it was announced that they have now permitbe with their kind.” ted L.C Leprechaun, better -Zack Braff, on Jews known as Lucky, who is tired of kids chasing him to Check out Zack Braff’s get at his cereal, to modify opinion on many of today’s his breakfast meal. Lucky himself later recent events and writer Cal attended the news conferEn’s coverage of the New ence and when asked why York Comic Con. he did it his answer was “I Page 3 can’t take it anymore lad, even after forty-five years, they are still after me [sic]
3-Day Outlook Tonight
Let it rock, Let it rock! But High: Zip seriously, there will be a shitLow: Cero storm outside, so don’t party.
Friday
There is a 78% chance of High: Hot? all Rutgers Students getting Low: Not! banned from DC++. Desiree!
Saturday
The skies will be sunHigh GPA: 4.0 ny as Spring is here! Low GPA: 0.0 Wait, no I lied. SUPER PSYCHE!
Editorial Staff Spring 2009 Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Colin Fong John Bender Gary Klimowicz Paul Winters
News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editor Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Staff Photographer Staff Artist Staff Writer Staff Writer Staff Writer Faculty Advisor
Jake Lewandowski Keith Lawrence Carmella Luczak Reven MacQueen Dave Imbriaco Kaitie Davis Abe Stanway Paul Winters Tim Swanson Colin Fong Weird Al RANK AMATUERS Out of People Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and not necessarily shared by The Medium, or the authors themselves. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to The Review buying a shit ton of CD’s Cover Photo: SLIPKNOOOOOOOOOT Corrections: We apologize for last week’s article entitled “Lepers Make Finger Licking Good Chicken” The title should read: “EWWWWWW! LEPROSY!!!! DEPORT DEPORT!
Wednesday, February 18th, 2009
Lucky Charms”. He further elaborated; “The chase never stopped. Until now.” In further detail he stated that this meant he planned to give up his cereal to the children. When asked as to why he would give up the chase, he explained that he had since invoked a newly acquired marshmallow power to “change me [sic] Lucky Charms from magically delicious to explosively delicious.” In accordance with these new modifications to the cereal, the popular product jingle has also been replaced by an updated ver-
sion reproduced here: Hearts, stars and horseshoes! Clovers and blue moons! Pots of gold and rainbows! And a big KABOOM! It has since been discovered that the red balloon marshmallows are now filled with natural gas rather than corn syrup. It is speculated that Lucky may have gotten this idea from the Rabbit who rigged the Trix cereal that he temporarily obtained to get revenge on those kids who denied him of his addiction on the grounds that he is silly and it is only for kids.
Centurion Wins ‘Funniest Publication Award’ publication five years in a row. “It’s really just inNew Brunswick, NJ- The credible,” remarked U. Centurion, aka “a poor ex- President Richard McCorcuse for toilet paper,” re- mick. “However, The Cencently edged out the highly turion has really been steptouted Medium at the 6th ping their game up, with hit Annual Rutgers’ Funniest articles like ‘Welcome to Publication Award Ceremo- Rutgers! Here’s a Condom!’ and ‘Rutgers Female Libny. The Centurion’s win erals: The Empire Strikes ended The Medium’s five- Back’. I’d like to congratuyear win streak since the in- late them on their win!” The Medium isn’t ception of the award. “The Medium had set a campus the only newspaper setting record...the most winningest records – 2009 marks the BY ABA SEBABA STAFF WRITER
sixth year in a row that the Targum has failed to win the Rutgers’ Funniest Publication Award. John “Cockboy” Clyde, the new editor-inchief of the Daily Targum, has come under fire by Targum brass as a result of the loss. He was elected unanimously on a platform of change and hope for the Targum, and has consequently failed to deliver progress for the daily newspaper in this most recent chapter of the Targum saga.
Octuplet Mother sends Zergling Rush “We were totally defenseless, I mean sure we have plasma shields, but she Koprulu Sector, Galaxy- morphed 8 god-damn ZerDue to recent expansions of glings before we could even the Protoss army in this sec- get one zealot in,” said the tor of space, the Overmind praetor of the losing Protoss was forced to begin produc- base. tion on an attack force to While a cheap move, quickly suppress any en- many people agreed that she emy base building. Local used a legitimate strategy. Hatchery, Nadya Suleman, According to analysts “She also known as the octuplet already had 6 drones, so mother sent out a Zergling she needed to go on the ofrush to destroy the nearby fensive, what is interesting base before they even had though, because the Protoss a chance to warp in a gate- commander called ‘NR 15’ way. which, in layman’s terms, BY NIGS MCFINCKLETON STAFF WRITER
means ‘no rush’ for 15 minutes. An attack that early in the game goes against these informal rules, but as the game did not prevent this rush, there is no actual problem with it. Stop being a pussy and learn how to play the real way, Artanis.” The Protoss commander responded with, “My life for Auir.” The mother could not be reached for comment, as she was busy mutating into a hive. While her spokesman could only say, “KEKEKEKEKE”
Wednesday, February 18th, 2009
New York Comic Con “When you cum on someone and... and it... it jizzles down.”
BY CAL EN STAFF WRITER
On Friday the Sixth, almost a week before I spent Valentine’s day alone, I took a bus to the Port Authority in New York City. From there I made the four block hike to the Javitz Center, where I would cement my loneliness with a display so nerdy, so utterly emasculating, that there is no possible cure. What I did, of course, was hit up the 2009 New York Comic Con. If you told me the dark things I would find within before I made the journey, I would not only have scoffed at you for being a fool, saying what only a madman would say, but I would have cancelled my trip, in the slim chance you were correct.
Let me tell you something, wrestling for a “SEGA” scarf with a dude dressed up as “Knuckles the Echidna” and getting hissed at is an experience that profoundly changes one’s life. I’ll repeat that just in case you’re too lazy to scroll your eyes up and re-read it. A human dressed as a video game character hissed at me in order to procure free clothing. What is the world coming to? As I’ve said before in a similar article, going to a con is like stepping into an alternate universe that is only slightly different. After a few days, one begins to get used to it, but the initial shock is a bit jarring. When one walks in, the idea of people dressed up as things fictional, even though it is not Halloween,
will surprise you a bit. When one walks out, the idea of a scrawny kid dressed in cat ears with a sign “Will do Yaoi things for money” will not faze you. Even though it should. Braving this maelstrom of madness was totally worthwhile, however, because amongst the heap of crazy lay nuggets of AWESOME. This one dude was selling Revoltechs for twenty bucks a piece. And if you bought two he would throw a third in, FO’ FREE. Also I was able to watch the new Futurama movie (the one not due for another week or so, although has been on DC for about a week) before any of you losers. I got my comic books signed. Did you read the Secret Invasion mini?
You didn’t? Oh. Well if you did you might recognize the name “Leinil Yu”. He was the penciler and his name’s on my goddamned comic. You piece of crap. Also got Scott Wegener of “Atomic Robo” fame to sign my first printing version of Atomic Robo one. Shit is TIGHT. Have you guys seen the Venture Brothers? The best show on television? Did you know that it’s creator (Jackson Publick aka Christopher McCulloch) was not only a Rutgers grad but he did a comic strip for the Medium? It’s the will of the Gods, honest. THAT is someone RUPA needs to bring over. His panel was hilarious and he was a generally nice guy to talk with. Of course, when I cut the line to get his sig-
THE MEDIUM
nature sooner, apparently some dude that was where I was originally was grumbling about how he would like to choke me, according to my roommate. That’s also why I didn’t get a picture with him, the line was so long that people with cameras were told to shut the fuck up and move along cuz the people in the back were getting “chokin’ angry,” whatever that means. All in all, it was a pretty fun time. I met some people, bought some stuff, got stuff signed, got free stuff, tried out stuff, saw some stuff. If you like stuff as much as I do, you would do yourself well to hit it up next year. 77,000 people this time around, I wonder what sort of number they’re going to hit next time.
MEET THE MEDIUM
Wednesday, February 18th, 2009
“If you’ve met the Medium once, you’ll need to meet them again, fuck yeah.”
Colin Fong Editor in Chief
Gary Klimowicz Business Manager
Colin Fong is the illustrious Editor in Chief of the Medium, which I guess you just read over there to the left of this paragraph. Anyways, he’s a generally great guy who not only can lift one hundred pounds with one arm, but is also enable to kill with his stares. Being one of the few editors brave enough to show his face in the pages ofo this paper, you can see how fucking handsome he is. Look at that magnificent mane of hair, it’s glorious and long, dark ebony locks of hair that are thick and full enough to please even the fiestiest of ladies. Jesus Christ look at that guy. What sort of amazing person is he? A simple criminal justice student, Gary has held the title of business manager for the past 4 semesters (plenty of time to embezzle money, steal RUIDs, Social security numbers, good stuff like that). Proof that you don’t have to be a journalism or English major to write for and be a part of The Medium. His hobbies include football, futbol, foosball, ballfoot and anything else associated with balls and/or feet. Academic interests include Constitutional law, New Jersey Law, Spanish uh... law and Law-ing walks on the beach. (Word play, so funny.) Gary has been a die-hard reader, writer, and leader of The Medium throughout his four years at Rutgers University. This will be his last semester in The Medium as he will be graduating and shitting his pants while looking for a job in six months.
Spicy Caramel Chipotle Opinions Editor
Spicy Caramel was born at an Undisclosed location in an Undisclosed country and transferred here to Rutgers from an Undisclosed college in an Undisclosed state that has lots of old people and palm trees. She spends her time hiding from the feds and her large number of enemies that she has accumulated over the years. She writes for The Medium because she likes insulting people without them actually knowing its her because its awesome! She in fact, declined to have her real identity revealed in The Medium because she hates people and doesn’t want any annoying people to talk to her about it and possibly leak her whereabouts to others.
Reverand Holyfuck Arts Editor FUN FACTS! • Enjoys curling up on the couch with a hot cup of Coco. • Has read Twilight 756 times, exactly. • Owns a cat named Mr. Lady • Knows every word to Rent. • Thinks Zach Braff is a well-rounded, talented actor. • Plans to run for the Senate one day. • Bleeds three times a month, two of them are punches for when she over does the Meatloaf. • Pissed off the Photographer/Photoshop Editor fifteen minutes before press time.
THE MEDIUM
John Bender Managing Editor John has been on the Medium for two years now and already made it to Managing Editor after a semester as News Editor. Yet no girls care. Ever. I guess I’ll post-up with 1st person now. I have nothing to say about my activities. Now 5th person. I heard from this girl who told this guy that John is also in A 4 Effort Improv Comedy and he does shows from time to time. It still produces 0d20 girls, which could be a side effect of D&D references. Nah, that would be crazy.
Paul Winters Senior Editor/Online Editor PJ is Old PJ is Old PJ is Old PJ is Old PJ is Old PJ is Old PJ is Old PJ is Old PJ is Old PJ is Old PJ is Old PJ is Old PJ is Old PJ is Old PJ is Old PJ is Old PJ is Old PJ is Old PJ is Old. Honestly, he invented inventing. He is that old. He even established thought. What you’re thinking? Copyright Big Bang BC by PJ Winters.
Girl Personals Editor Personals Editor The daughter of a Thrift Store Empress and the son of a bitch, the Girl Personals Editor was born in a cornfield somewhere in southeastern PA, in a town where folks hold on to electric fences for fun! She immediately realized she was born into a world of stupidity and has spent her days seeking vengeance to the intellectual wrongs committed against her by constantly commenting on said stupidity. As a child, she was spanked for chronic back-sassing, and for continuously getting caught in the basement practicing piano in the nude. She does not believe in the efficacy of spanking, as she persists in both of these habits to this day. She keeps her kickass body in shape by running after little Guatemalans on Sudyan St. and running the fuck away from muggers on Easton Ave.
THE MEDIUM
MtM & OP/EDS
Wednesday, February 18th, 2009
“Holy fuck I just peed myself...in Applebees”
Satanic Yoda Personals Editor Was he King of the Jews at one point? Perhaps, but now he is relegated to the Personals page of the Medium and non-stop WoW raiding. When not pulling aggro with his AoE spells, he’s sitting at another computer attemping to hash out another page of Personals before his heart his gives out. That’s right, he has loved so much. So much has he loved that his heart is weak, and any day now, you will find the Personals page half-completed with a single character repeated along the rest of the page, because he died and his finger is pressed against the last button he pressed. I assume he’ll rise again after he dies, but, is it really worth it? For him to die one more times? Did we really sin that much that he needs to die again to absolve us?
Abe Stanway What’s Shakin’ Editor Before Abe “Aba Sababa” Stanway came to The Medium, he was a nice little Jewish boy who earnestly believed the world was round. When Abe came to Rutgers, he thought he could use his advanced douchebaggery skills working for the Centurion, but unfortunately, the editorial staff there had already reached the quota of pompous idiots. Now, his hobbies include grassroots lobbying for the decriminalization of racism, teaching Jewish folk dancing to underprivileged youth, and hanging around Brett Hall pretending he has friends. He likes to think of himself as “God’s gift to himself,” and he continues to maintain that women are an unnecessary by-product of the evolutionary processes. Just because he has sex with men doesn’t make him gay, does it?
Fellatius McDoogal Features Editor What can we not say about good ole Fellatius McDoogal? Before he joined The Medium, he was involved in human trafficking and went by the name of James Bond Bad Guy #2. Boy those where good times. After he sold his 57th slave child to Wal-Mart, he determined that he wanted to do something else in his life. So he thought and decided that porn movies would be the best answer, and they were. He was an original Dirk Diggler, without the drugs; no scratch that, with the drugs. He starred in such great Oscar awarding winning movies such as A Beautiful Behind, Saturday Night Beaver, In Diana Jones and the Temple Poon, Gangbangs of New York, A Beautiful Behind, Schindler’s Fist and how could we forget his touch warming performance How Stella Got Her Tube Packed, which, if watched backwards, will stop genocide throughout the land. He was at the top of game when he decided to learn to read, write and becomes the Featured editor for the Medium. And every now and then, he still likes to sell his body for sex, just to remember the old day.
Maximus etc. Photography Editor -The Itsy bitsy spider climbed up your brain stem -But down came the booze and all you learned in Chem -Then came the Weed and dried the spider out -And the Itsy Bitsy Spider said “This brain tastes bad, -Ima take a look down lower...”
schizophrenics have rights too...wait, is that a bird? Holy shit a bird! wait, i’m a bird... submitted by Fukking crazy staff psychopath
I.m
Just to let you all know, our pain in the ass editor in cheif wanted to do some shit on comicon or whatever the hell its called, so you only get half of a opinions page this week. That means all of the nerds rejoice while the rest of us well, don’t. Love, spicy caramel
I am sick and tired of people who assume that schizophrenics are too mentally unstable to participate in civic discourse. Our opinions contribute just
as much to the political landscape as... ASPARAGUS! Firetruck! Jerry Springer at bus stop Scott hall Satanic Yoda beats in the ass in a Federal Reserve prisons by chaplains with chalupas at taco bell. I wrote my paper on BOLONGA! Jason and the illegal immigrant Argonauts. Zeus with a million women on clouds and raping cows with PRINCESS DIANA. What’s Shakin? Tell me you don’t hear that... I am the entire Chinese population and I am ten meters tall and everything’s important. We need some more vodka Russian vitamin Voltaire shiny dairy in the pudding dancing pandas flying tell me you don’t hear that punch buggy Sodomy... puppet hand gonzo porn Dayman Ahhh ah ahhhhh! Fighter of the Nightman! Champion of the Sun. Fellacious MacDougal. But tomorrow Alice Cooper is visiting me in my dreams, squirrels. Wants me to go to Walmart. Maximus Vaginus Insertus Supremus. Viagra Cialis. ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION! SPAM. Did you enter through my window of life Ms. Russian mail order brides? Henry Kissinger eats nachos. Vietnam faces the music afterwards genetically pre-disposed shit in the eyes. It’s disgusting. Roommate is a spy....a dude who runs in marathons go-go gadget go-go girls of the 1960’s... dance like celluloid confetti like shiny dancers diamond meadows pies in my eyes pies in my eyes. There IS NONE because Pablo Jose Bunyon chops all trees for the Pet Semetary Fiery Furnaces don’t make any sense but “If I did it” I would stop drinking orange juice. On weekends. Dalai Lama likes big guns and he cannot lie. The other guys can’t deny, urges of the destitute Scientologist BUDDAH, he regurgitated my fava beans. Jesus is Lord and if you don’t believe him you’ll fail the semester and will go crazy with guilt. Catholic guilt AND I’M NOT EVEN A CATHOLIC! Reverend Holy FUCK! Ooo your hair is so smooth like butta like whatta whatta inna the butta on my sad buttered toast, burned like the Chicago political machine guns like the Dalai Lama’s alabaster marble-striped biceps. Air horns instead of pufferfish horney whoreticultural sperm-swallowing hamster dancing with myself oh oh oh dancing with myself like Billy idol. Rhino records took over Matador—until Archers of Loaf shall return to shed intestinal red-tape-worms. Push up bras (marching through GEORGIA) for toddlers Gilligan’s Island Wonder Years. Winnie the Cooper and Pooh. Johnny Challenger needs his glasses chipmunks. Hillary Clinton! Where is my math book? Alone. I am going to die alone. Priests can brainwash you with fake holiness but Catholic boys are HOT like Jesus cookies. I am A. Person and Spicy Caramel all in one fun package of criticism and bitchiness! Brain, so hot, just like I think you are. Clowns and spectacular whips featured on Sesame Street, ah ah AHHH, five six seven, Katie Couric, nine 10, Brad Pitt equal seven, Pittsburgh equals severed head in secret box. Cal-en Steelers equals confused hummer driving Democrat with primanti brothers sandwiches.Torgo van Pelt and Wayne Gretksi in an ice ballet. I hope you realize the crass generalization the American people are making about Schizophrenics is entirely wrong.
THE MEDIUM To the apple that I was going to eat as soon as I got off the REXL, which turned out to be an hourlong crawl on rt. 18, the apple which I promptly took to the bathroom, and while rinsing it off, shot out of my hand and inexplicably landed in the toilet.. I hope you rot in apple hell, that place where bad apples go. To the individual who emitted the Loudest Sneeze Ever in Kilmer Library: was that fuckin necessary? The whole building rumbled and fuckin dust and plaster fell from the ceiling. (you know this “fuckin dust and plaster” falls from the ceiling at Kilmer on a regular basis. In fact, over at Livingston it falls from the sky too.) To the bus drivers who leave the bus doors open at the students centers. It’s 20 fucking degrees out and SNOWING!!! So while you’re off taking a piss or smoking a cig or doing a line of blow or whatever the fuck it is you do on those breaks have the common sense to close the doors so the bus doesn’t turn into a winter fucking w o n d e r l a n d ! To the blonde chick in Brower. You wear too much make up and your tits look fake but those spandex pants sure make your ass look great! (Please do not reinforce this admonishable behavior. Just stop this right now before loads of ladies get the wrong idea and we’ve got a full scale American Apparel ad on our hands and Peter Pan comes in and congratulates everyone for such great fashion sense and teaches these chicks to fly and jump between buildings on College Ave like trapeze artists and clowns and I just sit on the curb and cry. Fucking cry man! Because I don’t like clowns!!) To my old roommate you’re a waste of life and a shame to the human race. Your dog contributes more to society in steaming piles of shit on the living room floor than you do Shitting’s not so bad either when you think about it Just fuck the chicken for once will ya? FUCK it!
PERSONALS “Fortified
and
The 2nd to last crudsade, 2009 Fabulous!!”
To the sweaty, stinking To all frat boys, bum who just decided to sit watch out if i get right next to me on a nearly vodka in me. Fags empty bus, I know (What? Do you become an you?re probably home- eloquent streetfighting sexless and all but come bot? Or do you stand in a on dude that stench was corner and make small talk unbearable! I bet the home- while flailing your arms less people you hang out with to anyone who passes by, under the train bridge even only to find out the next say you smell. Jesus Christ day that you weren’t talkthere?s a goodwill shelter ing to anyone at all but the not five minutes from there water heater? My experigo and pick up some new ence assumes the latter.) clothes, or just die and do everyone a favor . To everyone at the party at 7 sicard friday, all To high school kids, stop comyou guido fags with your ing to parties, drinking much blowouts made that parmore than you can handle ty so gay that i do not and throwing up on the batheven want to say the word room. You pull that pussy bro even when describing shit at my house and I don?t my brother. Your doushecare whose brother you are baggery exceeded the I?ll kick your fucking ass skankiness of the one To the doucher who stole my halfway decent girl you bike out of my house during were both trying to double a party. I hope I catch you penetrate. your so gay for riding it around campus so each other provincetown I can dropkick you off it massachusetts doesnt and then proceed to beat the have a place for you His name is Merriam Webster, and he is now shit out of you. And if And just what are you going out to muuurder me you sold it already I to do with a 14 inch pile of hope you get hit by a bus potato salad on your plate?? George St... smells like chicken n’ piss To all the girls who are tired of going to frat parties with greasy guidos. 22 Lafayette St. is where the real men on campus party (Whoever said women wanted real men? We want fakeness. We want men that are so fake that perhaps the next morning they won’t even exist anymore, erasing the possibility of ever seeing them on campus again!!) Dear AT, two w o r d s . . . m o t o r . . . b o a t Direct elections of the Student GovTo those cocky jocks in ernment will ensure it’s run by my expos class, damn you’re fucking annoy- a group that more accurately reing. So what if you flects the Rutgers community... beplay in the fucking football team, you act like fucking cause that is really what we all want middle school kids and think To the five dickholes and everything goes your way b/ chick that always talk in Perhaps I should think c you think you’re the shit. my water planet class... I’d about closing the blinds Hell I don’t know how you like to start by saying if the when I change... nah got into expos with elephant man fucked a billy To my roommate, go rot in bad ass grammar goat that he was somehow fucking hell. I know you talk to the girl who was chas- related to, you 6 would be shit about me behind my back ing the EE bus wednesday, the inbred shit that spawns and I’m not stupid to know your short fat ass wasnt from the billy goat’s ass. that you secretly talk shit fast enough or hot enough Also the dude that waxes about me. Just cause I have to catch the bus or make his eyebrows - eat shit and headphones on doesn’t mean the bus driver stop and die. and the other one - your that you can talk freely in let you in, maybe you breath stinks so bad most the room, I listen in. BTW should drop 10 pounds, people look forward your fucking laugh and your it will help you run faster to your farts. kthnxbye faux cocky attitude is really O O O K A Y ! Hummus Schmu- making me want to kick ass right now Leo needs a new pair of shoes! mus Freakatumus! your To the human puffball in Demarest who is apparently no longer a human puffball... I am assuming some child picked you up and blew you in the hopes that their wish would come true. You damn men and your innate urge to spread their seed... To all those faggots in the gym who waste their days pumping iron and staring at their steroid-fueled bodies in the mirror. Why don’t you be a real man and come play Rutgers Rugby-BOOSH!!!! (Boosh?? Is this some sort of new hiptastic word that be sweepin the nation... yo? Allow me to phase it into obscurity before it spreads even more... ahem: ‘Boosh golly, shizzbooshicus in the hizz house, hheeyeAh, booshey booshey milk chocolate, uber gnarly boosh, like totally fo boosh sho, aiight yo?’)
Hey Asshole that shouldered me on College ave last Sunday. If you do it again, I won’t be shocked this time and we’ll see where we are. You jock asshole, you’ll amount to nothing in your life. (Someone SHOULDERED you??? Holy Shizzfunkerton! Jiminy Cricket! E-I-E-IO!!! Do you maintain some sort of neurotic space cushion? What the hell are you going to do when you decide you want sex? This is purely rhetorical! Don’t for the love of fuck (which you have not yet acquired) tell me!) To the girl who was riding her bike through Douglass laughing like a maniac; I feel my manly presence is unwelcome on Douglass as it is, the last thing I need is the wicked witch of the bicycle freakin me out even more. To the chick maria who works at the gym, you are so fucking hot i want to lay you down on the benchpress seat and fuck you... then go home and pound a a protein shake. To my roommate, god damn i fucking hate you. i have never met anyone i hate so much. i hate your 8th grade social awkwardness and your stupid ass gook girlfriend. you are such a jackass, you have no roommate etiquette whatsoever. i will fight you by the time i g r a d u a t e . FOUR BEERS!?!?!?!?!?!?! FOUR?!!?...REALLY?!?!?! Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder about the unexplainable things in life... like what the hell the girl next door is shouting about, which is the reason why I am laying awake at night. I’d be more sympathetic to the plight of our student bikers if they weren’t biking back and forth over the yellow lines on college ave like lollipop-holding hypercracktive stupidchildren. To the bamboo plant I have offended: oh well... Submit at personals@themedium. net because personal s@milkymilkycocoap uffs.net is not correct
Wednesday, 18 February 2009 Before we start this week, I have a special message to anyone who had their status on Facebook referencing Valentine’s Day for whatever reason: You are all huge tools. Ok, on to this week’s shit! D A E D S I G N I LWA P N AY R B (I hate it when people send shit in backwards.) To the dumb sorority sluts driving around college ave sunday afternoon, I didn’t realize tying balloons to your cars and honking your horns like retards was a cool thing to do. Can we not drive around college ave doing that anymore? Do something better with yourselves, suck a fat one and keep yourselves busy. K, t h a n k s ! Love HATE, US (Dude, I think I actually saw the car you’re talking about that day! Slash the tires with me?) Douchey roomy, Or should i call you Father; you seem to be ok with respecting the Lord’s name, and yet also find it amusing to rape people with seaman. Guess what, maybe if you were a better fucking wingman, i wouldn’t have to resort to porn as much and you just might even get the room a couple nights a week. But you’re not, so i’m going to do as many matlabs as i like! Go play ‘find the snake’ with little kids you fucking ass-raping retard. 3 Best of Douglass: 1.Food 2.Beautiful Trees 3.Last but not least the LADIES Holllerr! =]] (What? Girls on Douglass are actually appealing?) I feel that my poops are not the same if im not reading the personals section while doing so. and i try to leave the personals section their in the stall so others can enjoy what i get to (That’s very kind of you. I’m assuming you wiped your ass with either the Targum or Rutgers Review?) Dear Albert-hater,I fucking love you. ~gamma phi aint got nuttin on sig delt~ (Guess what, sorostitute bitch? Nobody cares whatsoever, you all have herpes anyways.)
PERSONALS
“i can haz krak? plz kthx.” To the girl who wont stop My Social Psych class fucking emailing me. doesn’t smell like Doriyou’re a fat fuck. leave me tos, but the people in it a l o n e . need to shut the fuck dear roommate, if you up. Especially the weird bring that gook cunt back kid who sits in the to our room again to wake center of the room. me up, i will fucking I’m glad I chose Rutgers, skullfuck you after i lay the only to be trapped besmackdown on your skinny hind slow nappy headed white ass. your dirtiness is hos and eat shitty food atTillet. disgusting; i’m suprised To my celiac housegooks are into that kind of mate: I hope that seman shit. seriously, fuck yourself, is gluten-free cause I just and the zipperhead. smeared a shit load of (Oh man, someone my jiz all over your food. has the yellow fever...) It should add that salty To the men living on the taste you love so much first floor of Lippincott, Why do engineers need The 5th and last stall in the to take expos? This is bathroom is only for poop- bullshit. I’m up at 3am in a ing. It even says it above delirious state pumping out the stall, if you are caught a goddamn paper about doing anything else but two goddamn articles that pooping in that stall, you will I don’t give a shit about. face the consequences, and Being able to comno one should even pee in pare shitty article A with the 4th stall either. Every- shitty article B is never one should pee in the first going to be of use to me. two. Sincerely, your first I would rather jerk off floor goverment rep. with sandpaper than have to the fraternity forum douche to do this again. Holy shit. in the targum. you conde- (Because despite the fact scending shit-for-brains that you think you’re so cockass, how can you claim L337 since you’re an enfrats do more for the commu- gineering major, you need nity than any one individual to be reminded that you in can possibly do? why don’t fact no better than the rest you just say “fuck non- of us (and I’ll even vengreeks” in your next article. I ture a guess that you smell oughta tear you a new asshole horribly, as do most enbut I know your “brothers” gineers) and must suffer have already taken care of along with everyone else. that for me. cramming 7 Can’t handle it? Guess dicks in my ass is not my you’re just a crybaby bitch!) to all the people in alpha idea of community service To the bitch who keeps vis- zeta omega: fuck you all. iting my building and acting you all think youre so cool like she runs the damn place. because youre in a pharmacy Don’t tell me to be quiet, if frat. woo! look at me, you don’t like it, go back i am a pharmacy mato your own building you jor, in a frat and i drink! i ugly, repulsive, dis- must be so smart because gusting, whore. im pharmacy! on top of that im probably asian To the prude syrian girl so i think im better than who refuses to put out: you! join a real fraI want to congragulate ternity...oh wait...you your former boyfreind, he can’t because you must have set the world suck so fucking much. record for longest time with blue balls in history. Everytime i walk past The Dear Tillett Man, I’ve been Napkin Wall at Nelson i alwatching you all year. You’ve ways think of something very started looking extra fine smart that i would like since you got that black to change about Nelshirt. You seem to me son, BUT DO I EVER A PEN?!?!? like the type of guy BRING who doesn’t know how N O O O O ! (Your failure to bring a pen good looking he is. So to the napkin wall at NIELlet me tell you, you ARE! SON [you fucking idiot] Can’t wait till the next has forced me to lay down time you swipe me in. the harshest punishment... (Creeeeeepy...) DEATH BY IMPALEMENT!
THE MEDIUM
To the gorilla-dog who To the curly headed fuck keeps destroying my friends that lives in the room next to necks, fuck off bitch. us: we hope you eat shit and (Or are you jealous be- die on your bike you fucker. cause they’re getting You are literally the most some and you’re not?) pathetic sack of shit that -To god: Thanks for lives in clothier. You tell not killing me yet! the same stories over and (Oh don’t you worry one sec- over and it gets really ond. I’m sure someone is on fucking old. Your fun facts their way to do it for him.) that u make up on the spot to the dude who lives in make us want to drown our apartement. you smell ourselves in the raritan. like a donkey’s anus. like Please don’t ever talk to seriously, we can smell you the studs in the sexatorium from outside our apartment again u cock bag. <3 and i think i am getting to the curly headed hipcancer from your hor- py fuck that lives in rible smell. do you clothier. stop saying shower on a semi-regu- dumb shit to everybody. nolar basis? hell, do you body appreciates your tie dye even shower at all? last night t-shirts and bandani could not sleep because as. im about to close i was suffocating due to your damn head in the the lack of clean oxygen in fucking elevator . the room. it would also help (God damn hippies, and I if you actually threw out thought they congregated your shit that’s on your desk with all the other socithat also smells like it came etal rejects at Demarest.) from Ms. Cleo’s vagina, I can’t understand Neilson and she called and left dinning hall, I hate; Chinese a message for ya...she food on Monday (except for wants her money back. general Tao’s chicken... (How do you know what Miss when I feel like getting a Cleo’s twat smells like?) heart attack); Chicken of (cheap basTo the jackass in my eth- Tuesdays ics through history class tard have horrible saucAND philosophy of mind, es); Pasta night Wednes( they always we have never met anyone in day run out of the good stuff the world who has this many problems with philosophy within an hour of serving than you. Why are you a phi- it and the only thing left is losophy major? Better yet dog shit); I love hamand nacho why are you alive? If we hear burgers night! (ooh... wait YOU you complain about ASSHOLES ONE MORE THING FUCKING in either one of these STOPPED SERVING NAclasses will gang up on CHOS DIDN’T YOU !!!!!) you and kill you ourselves. -by the awful goodness Stop arguing with the profes- To the girl I was in the elwith yesterday, sors! They have their PHD?s evator and you have shit. So shut clearly the personals in the the fuck up NOW!!!!!!! Oh Medium are real and not made yea and that gay ass hat you up. You’re dumb and proven wear will be kidnapped by wrong, but I’d still do you. the end of the semester by (I bet she wouldn’t, and not one of us and you will never because she’s a dumbass.) see it again you dipshit! -To my computer aid draftLove, your classmates ing professor: I’m sorry I (Ah, another one of those laugh at you in class for an people... Speaking of which, hour and twenty minthe guy in my class seri- utes straight. You sound ously needs to SHUT THE like the ‘City Wok’ FUCK UP FOR FUCK’S guy from south park. SAKE! Ok, moving on like E x a c t l y . . . a loser from a reality show.) (BUILD SHEETY WALL!) We asked (well, more like commanded), and you finally submitted shit! Awesome! Now do it again this week or you all die by means of eviscreation. The address is Personals@TheMedium.net. But wait, don’t stop there! Come to our weekly meetings at the Busch Campus Center Room 115 at 9:00 PM on Wednesdays. We bite, but not in a bad way. Unless you make us angry.
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������������������� ������������������������������ “On the Conditionality of Jokes, Pirates, Poetry, and Dead Babies”
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��������� Check out if you’re on the Dean’s List! It’s currently posted here! http://sasundergrad.rutgers.edu/academics/current/rss/deanslist.html *editor’s note: although we at the medium do realize that Micheal Phelps is in fact spelled Michael Phelps, we absolutely refuse to apologize for last week’s printing and sincerely bethere’s lieve that you . nothing you can do about it. ** second editor’s note: on a more serious editor’s note, this will likely be my last issue of What’s Shakin’. Look for me in the News section from now on! But only if you have serious insecurity issues, or habitually have sex with men! -Aba Sababa
��������� Actually, Busch is technically on campus, but we don’t like to talk about that. Our meetings are at the Busch Student Center, room 115, Wednesdays at nine p.m. That is, if you think you are: Funny Insightful Tri-Nippled Talented with a Mallet A Bro
1885 - Mark Twain’s Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is published for the first time, setting the “My Slaves Aren’t Niggers, They’re AfricanAmericans” movement back decades. [there is no relation between the grassroots movement of the 1880s and the Facebook group of the same name] 1994 – Amanda receives the following handwritten letter in her mailbox: Dear Amanda, I’m sorry you had to find out about me like that. My boyfriends were having a fight, and they said that if I didn’t tell you, they would tie my balls up like a bull’s and host a rodeo in the basement - with me as the main attraction. Needless to say, this sounded like an awesome idea and I sent you that email stat so I could get my cute little butt downstairs as soon as possible. Seriously though, I had a great time pretending to be straight with you. Love, Dennis 2000 - Gillette severely pisses off the Arab world at large by ceasing the distribution of the “Fusion” brand to the Middle East. Consequently, a group of unwillingly bearded men make public their frustration by flying a plane into the World Trade Center.
Regret last night’s decisions? � Redeem yourself by bringing joy to others.
arts@themedium. net
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