02/21/01

This is not a pipe.

Happy President s Day

The Entertainment Weekly of Fuda

Wednesday, February 21st, 2001

“I’m going down to the central part of town.”

Volume XXXII Number 16

*

* in my wet dreams

1-Cover-2-21-01.p65

1

2/20/01, 12:38 AM

EDITORIALS

My friend used to jerk off in milk shakes and give them to high school girls ... Wednesday, February 21st, 2001 I'm Not Here / This Isn't Happening

Radiohead Scheduled To Headline RutgersFest

by Christopher "The Scoop" Taylor

This typical college student loves Radiohead ... do you?

It isn't often that the Rutgers College Programming Council (RCPC) programs events that are worthy of mention. The usual fare, while commendable in purpose and execution, consists of reissued popular films, pseudo-academic lectures and coffeeless coffeehouses. Even their signature year-end event, RutgersFest, has failed to dazzle the masses in recent years, with such low-fi acts as Redman and Morphine topping the bill.

But now it seems that RCPC has procured an artist with an eerie popularity, especially amongst the collegiate set, that transcends the usual "I don't listen to <insert genre here>" objections. Radiohead is coming to Rutgers, and students are almost unilaterally excited.

How was such a coup managed, what with the decentralized status of the RU programming circuit?

1) The recent referendum's passage has guaranteed more money in future years for student programming, freeing up the Council's "rainy day" funds for immediate usage.

2) Robert Mulcahy, the Athletics Director, has unusually allowed RCPC to utilize the Louis Brown Athletic Center (RAC) if RutgersFest is once again rained out (remember "Spring of '99"?), allowing the Council to guarantee a legitimate venue* to Radiohead under even unfortunate circumstances.

3) Radiohead needed a United States venue to plug the June 4th release of Amnesiac to mirror their participation in the Germanhosted Rock Am Ring Festival in early June.

RCPC plans on beginning to distribute tickets for the inclement weather version of RutgersFest on this Friday, February 23rd, at the ticket office in the RAC on Livingston Campus. Only 1000 tickets will be distributed, so you'll see me there shortly before the office opens, waiting expectantly. Kudos to the Concert Committee for obtaining such a perfect band with which to close my undergraduate career; you'll be a part of my prayers forever. * Note: The College Avenue Gymnasium does not now constitute, nor has it ever constituted, a legitimate venue for anything more aurally extravagant than a robotics competition.

Bring Back the Hitler 'Stache

by Eric J Baker Once upon a time a very evil man wore a very cool mustache. As was so artfully illustrated on the cover of The Medium two weeks ago, the Adolph Hitler Mustache can be very handsome adornment to any man's face. The Hitler 'stache says "Hey, look at me. I'm a man of destiny."

Women are filled with lustful cravings at the sight of it. Men willfully subjugate themselves in the bearer's presence.

I would like to grow a Hitler mustache. In fact, I already have a normal mustache on my face right now. All I have to do is walk into the bathroom, whip out the old Shick Tracer FX, and two minutes later I will thusly endowed. But the problem is that I'm a coward.

You see, I plan to become the Pope in a couple of years, and there's no doubt photographs taken of me during my Hitler 'stache days would inevitably come back to haunt me (as will my having written for The Medium, which I understand is some kind of NAMBLA newsletter). [Moron.

We seceded from NAMBLA back in ‘91. They got way too preachy. -- Ops. Ed.] It's ironic that the man who immortalized this 'stache is the same man who doomed it as a fashion choice. When people imagine Hitler, they think of three things: grunting, grimacing little Germans; songs from The Sound of Music; and mass genocide. These are all naughty things. In fact, people can't even name their kid Adolph any more. Yes, the name Adolph has joined Attila, Genghis, Leonardo and Dicaprio on the trash heap of history. All it takes is one bad apple.

Here are three important things you need to know about moustaches and names: 1) I used to think that Ultraman could kick Gigantor's ass without even breaking a sweat. Now I'm not so sure. That Gigantor has a lot of heart.

2) If you want your pet fish to live a long time, don't give it a name. Most people don't know this fact. I had a fish I never named and he lived for seven years.

3) I've spoken to God, and I have His word that He will destroy the Earth on Ju(continued on page 13)

Soy Bomb is the greatest artist of our generation ... Dylan would agree (if he were alive)

Come to a Medium Meeting and show us your own life explosion.

Wednesday, 9:30pm, Livingston Student Center, Rm.113

im a secret. you found me. yea!

Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7

Sugar CornSyrup Fruit Juice Citric Acid Malic Acid Badshit

Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12

Red 40 Yellow 5 Yellow6 Blue 1 What’s Shakin’

Cover by: Chris “minimalist” Taylor

2-Eds-2-21-01.p65

1

THE

MEDIUM

CONTENTS

fnord

Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor

Christopher Taylor Personals Editors Jay Postelnik Jessica Chandra What’s Shakin’ Editor B.C. “Chris” DeSarno Online Editor Martin Babitz Advertising Manager Mike “Sharky” Ryan Staff Artist Amanda Hoffman Staff Photographer Jeff Buechner Senior Editor

Rachel Beckman Ryan Beckman Michelle Salvaggio Mike Molino Amy Groark James Kohl Alissa Strong Amanda Hoffman

THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to naziphallus@hotmail.com. Our phone number is (732) 373-7085. end transmission

2/20/01, 1:24 AM

OPINIONS

Okay ... It was me.

Wednesday, Febuary 21st, 2001

Boy on Bottom

You Gotta Love Hate

sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex

by John Minus It has come to my attention lately that this paper you know what feels good on the penis? Touching it! And you know where my has been a little...lax on its readership. Namely, there favorite place to touch it is? The shower. Yes, shower masturbation can be fun … and it opens up has definitely been a lack of hatred directed at the fine a whole new dynamic on masturbating. Feel the filthy New Brunswick water beating down on your people of Rutgers University. You. Yeah you, you genitals. [I’m so turned on right now. -- Hermaphradite in the Middle] It’s so fun getting clean reading this right now. And the person to the left of you and the person to the right of you and the ones in when you’re so dirty. I mean ually … not literally. So, why does our society frown so much front and back. We hate you. Everyone on the on shower sex and jerking off into your roommate’s shampoo? Because we’re uncomfortable with Medium...no, let me not be so specific. All those people our bodies!! I hate society and how it constantly represses me. Penis.

I just listed, they hate you too. Yup, everybody you I’d like to give a shout out to The Caellian’s Girl on Top and thank her for thanking me … see on a day to day basis on any of these five camTalk hard, sister. puses hates you're motherfucking guts. [Looks likes If you’d like to submit a question or comment to the Boy on Bottom please send mail to someone's anger management classes aren't going desarnoc@eden.rutgers.edu too well ... -- Ops. Ed.] Or they want to fuck you. sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex That's the only two emotions ever expressed around here: lust and sex. So, if you look at somebody on the streets today, and they aren't looking at you like they want to fuck you, they want to fuck you over. This includes you're friends, or the people you call your friends. Your

by Cynthia Weiton roommate may smile to your face, but he hates you. [<nod> -- Features Ed.] Your new friend may tell you you look good in your frat-party dress, but she really hates Last week I was denied a job. Under normal circumstances I would your stinking face with all of her heart. [Suzy, you lied to me! -- Ops Ed.] not be miffed by this at all. But in this case, it was the first time that I That being said, I would like to start on my first hate-binge. This goes out to was denied a volunteer job. This job was not like peace corps or a all those bandwagon-bitch Ravens fans who mysteriously showed up out of nowhere volunteer fire department where at least they can deny me based on a while ago. Eat a fucking dick. You know good and damn well there was not one physical inadequacies. I wanted to be a peer councilor at a local crisis fucking Ravens fan on-campus back in September, where the fuck all y'all come from hotline, the Bishop House.

I wonder? Is it fashionable to be a Giants-hater? I'm sick to death of people who When I left the interview, I thought I could get the job. I waited hate on the Giants just because they don't want to seem to be a "football fan". Those uppity bitches who think it is so uncool to sit down on a Sunday afternoon and watch several days for their phone call to tell me that after the long and painful football. Fucking elitist bastards, afraid to look like they have anything in common selection process I would be one of the ones left behind. Since I have with the regular uneducated ignorant masses. Yeah, I understand that all you testiclenothing to take up my spare time I am left to sit and contemplate why I juggling sissies out there have to keep your Sunday afternoons free so you can pursue did not get the job. your promising career as a crack whore, but don't try and spoil the fun for the rest of Since I was denied the job, and I did not have to do a physical I am us. As for the rest of you actual football fans who hate on the Giants, think about this: going to assume that my problem was a mental one or an emotional Where the fuck was your team SuperBowl Sunday? At home? Oh, ok... one. This problem in fact was so bad that they felt I was incapable of Well that's it for now, but don't worry, I've got more hate for all y'all.

Hey,

sex

Lending a Helping (Back) Hand

starting the training to be a peer councilor. I have posed this theory.

Before applying, I did not have any problems. But now I have become obsessed and angered with it. I have finally joined the ranks of all the fucked up people on this campus. The Bishop House was created to tap the last of sane people at Rutgers : "the ones who want to help others." Now I am this bitter old bitch and I am constantly doubting my abilities to help my friends.

This will probably string into depression. My God given abilities to help people have been diagnosed "un-useful" so I will find no help from God. Since I can not help my friends I will find redemption widening my alcoholism and illicit drug use. Considering I cannot help people emotionally I will turn to helping people physically. Whoring myself on College Ave. But in light of not having a volunteer job, I will make sure to sell myself for exactly what I am worth: Cheap. Then because I am apparently incapable of helping people the logical explanation is that I must be harming people. Maybe this will result in me taking my life if I have not already died from being riddled with venereal diseases after giving myself away. Perhaps induce death by ingesting the filth that the Bishop House must think I am made up of ... port-o-potty excrement.

Maybe they don’t have enough clients. So they give people like me an emotional kick to the face and then laugh about it when I call up to discuss my emotional inadequacies. I guess in the end the Bishop House did help me. I have realized now I am a worthless, meaningless. A slut who is totally incapable bringing peace to others. So if readers, please, if you see me on College Ave this Thursday night when you are piss drunk and looking to score please ... use me. No strings. Call me terrible things. You can even throw up on me ... anything to demean me further into the recesses of hell I have found at Rutgers.

ish Fin

Crossing the Line

3-Ops-2-21-01.p65

1

is par read th don’t

Hey, Kit. What s better than winning 2nd place in the Daytona 500?

What Michael?

Not having your father die due to severe head trauma!

the line , idi ot.

t

Winning isn’t Everything

by Richard Snose I know that The Medium is often the forum for humorous articles and tasteless jokes but I’d like to take a moment and break with this tradition to talk seriously.

Last Sunday, Dale Earnhardt, one of the greatest drivers in auto-racing history, died from injuries suffered in a last-lap crash at the Daytona 500.

In this final lap, Earnhardt was actually holding back by blocking the pack of cars behind him to give his son Dale, Jr. a chance to win the race. That’s when Ken Shrader broadsided Earnhardt’s car sending him into the wall and killing him instantly. His son finished second place.

Earnhardt, nicknamed “The Intimidator”, was known for his aggressive, hardcharging driving style, but off the track, friends and fans described him as thoughtful and generous. He will be missed.

Too bad the 180mph stockcar didn’t “miss” when it hit his car sending him directly into the cold, dark embrace of death. Let us all derive a simple lesson from this: a car is not a toy (unless it is a toy car and even then we should be wary).

The official NASCAR funeral that followed the tragic event was even more entertaining then the actual race (which isn’t hard). Earnhardt would race into the afterlife in a coffin designed to resemble his precious stockcar which he lovingly referred to as his “fuck towel” … although no one really knows what he meant by this.

His son, Dale Jr. was overheard weeping in front of the coffin. Witnesses reported the weeping slowly turned to shouting of statements such as “You dirty bastard … I only got second place. Second place is just the first loser! If you really loved me I would have won first place. Burn in a firery redneck hell!”

2/20/01, 1:27 AM

NEWS

Give it up for my band, Sexual Chocolate, everyone!

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Wednesday, February 21st, 2001

Lack of Distinct National Villian Threatens US Identity

Rutgers To Reach Out To Necrophiliacs

Bush Forms “Enemy-Thon 2001” to Sponsor Enemy Hopefuls

New Programs Announced

By Martin Babitz, News Editor

By Brian Benson

A new report released this week in the magazine "American College Student" rates Rutgers as last in the nation in classes and activities for Necrophiliacs, those that enjoy sex with the dead. In response to the damaging report, the University on Monday announced a new focus and commitment to providing programs and services for Necrophiliacs.

Among the changes, two new minors, "Post-mortum intercourse topics" and "Dead Womans Studies" will be added. Also planned is an elective for all majors titled, "Necrophilia, Putting the FUN in Funeral" Some of the new extra curricular activities planned include a state-of-the art "Corpse Singles “I pledge to you, my fellow Americans, that this time next month, we will have a Meeting Club" on Busch campus stocked with cadavers from the anatomy new enemy to rally against,” said the President in his first address to the nation. laboratories. Rutgers President Francis Lawrence announced the new programs “The Clintonian-era of peace through “talking” is over, and now will begin the and also promised to make Rutgers, "The University for those that love to more important task of building our national self-esteem through blind jingoism, fuck dead people" by the year 2005. and kicking the absolute shit out of some inferior military. Oh yeah, baby… it’s Although considered taboo and illegal by almost all civilized cultures throughout always a better day when you live in the US of A!” history, Necrophilia appears to be making a comeback. A recent poll of college The first group chosen on the wish list for “Enemy-Thon 2001” is a perennial freshman showed that 24% of them have had sex with at favorite: Russia. Though provoking its lesser allies, President Bush announced least one dead person, a large increase from 10 years ago. With numbers like that although Russia would be an “awesome enemy,” the new President, Vladamir that staring them in the face, Rutgers had two choices, either adapt and Putin is hardly as villainous as Khrushchev, or as amusing as Gorbechev. “Still, welcome Necros with open arms, or lose them to more "sex with the deceased" scoring Russia as an enemy again would be a serious coup, if you’ll excuse the friendly schools like Rowan or Villanova. pun.”

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Responding to the lackluster reviews of the rather arbitrary bombing of Iraq, President Bush decided to hold tryouts for a new national enemy Tuesday. “Enemy-Thon 2001,”as it’s been dubbed by White House insiders will feature a group of stiff guys in suits, a handing out of various kinds of banned weapons, and a provoking of every nation or group through bombings, “accidents,” poorly handled foreign policy, or straight out taunting.

Other Cold War favorites included on the President’s wish list are: China, “for its assaults on freedom and all that”, Vietnam, “for its retro value, and that winning a war with them’ll make us feel really good”, Cuba, “because Castro just looks like a natural villain, and if I can provoke a missile thing the news guys can compare me to Kennedy.”

Special Drug Wonderword CLUES:

E C S T A C Y T A A

1. ACID

V X C O K E K R D N

2. ADDICT

But Bush isn’t restricting his enemy scouting to old enemies, many of the list leaders are on the sponsor list on the basis of being nuclear powers. Bush’s “Rogue Nation Hopefuls” list includes: India, Pakistan, N. Korea, Iraq, France, Canada, Japan, Osama Bin Ladin, the Former USSR’s satellite nations, a “bunch of South American nations,” Iraq, Iran, and the Pickin’ Chicken on George St, New Brunswick. With luck, the Secretary of Defense can additionally parlay these threats facing the nation into support for the oft-discussed Theoretical Missile Defense Shield (TMDS) championed by Reagan.

3. BONG

As a last resort, the President’s Secretary announced Tuesday, he would “be fully prepared to resurrect mid to late-nineties boogiemen, like white separatists (although that would be a bit like shooting one’s self in the foot), bio-terrorists, popular prop comedian Carrot-Top, rural Militia members, vampires, invading aliens, The Media, Fran Lawrence, or the always popular Germans.”

9. EXPERIMENT

The American people, in a rare show of enemyless solidarity, decided that “any of those choices would be cool, just so long as the news bulletins didn’t interrupt Temptation Island.” They then went back to discussing that new Levi’s ad that

13.MDMA

5. CRACK

Hey! Let’s kill ‘em!

1

L O P A R P J R C J

7. DORITOS 8. ECSTACY

S T E R C I S E T A

10. JUNKY

M I A A M D M F B R

11. LSD

A R E L S D O E O A

12. MARAJUANA

C O A C I D K E N M

14. PCP 15. PIPE

17. RED EYE 18. REEFER 19. SMACK 20. SMOKE 21. TRIP 22. VIAL

4-N1-2-21-01.p65

A S I E A C U P I U

6. DILATE

16. POT

God, old people are so goddamn creepy!

I D P P C P N I D A

4. COKE

K D E Y E D E R G T

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Are you a martyr in the war on drugs?

Have you been violated by the law?

Well, now be violated by us!

Come to a Medium meeting: 9:30 pm, LSC room 113!

Send submissions to Prometus@hotmail.com

2/20/01, 1:43 AM

NEWS

Art is stupid.

Wednesday, Jenny’s 86th, 75309

Liberals Decry Bush's Intention to Veto H.R. 9669

World Doomed

By dothell

HEAVEN- God decided to just give up the whole shebang yesterday, when he set the paperwork in motion to shut down the planet.

Seymour Butts, the president of National Organization of Womyn, expressed deep anger at the fact that President Bush has promised to veto H.R. 9669.

Fountain of controversy?!?

"This is like totally unbelievable! Like this is the most basic of basic human and civil rights of all! Like more basic than that racist, homophobe, sexist, biblethumping, stupid, <insert favorite liberal slut/slur here>, idiot, conservative Ascroft vote. Like only in Amerika would people put liberty and freedom above feminism. Like even the EU and the ACLU support this bill!" she said, shortly after Bush made his intentions public.

H.R. 9669 originally proposed by Senator Kennedy would make urinals illegal. "This bill would have been a landmark in civil and human rights legislation. Any progessive person can see that urinals allow men to pee quicker than womyn, and that is soooo completely unfair. Thus the only enlightened action would be to ban urinals completely so that way it would take men and womyn the same amount of time to pee, which is like obviously completely and most totally fair", Kennedy said at the press-conference where he announced the bill to other members of congress.

When being questioned on how this would prevent men from peeing standing up in stalls (thus still allowing them to go to the bathroom quicker) Kennedy replied, "Well then we must install surveilance cameras in all male stalls and punish such backwards acts with 30 years of prison w/no chance of parole".

“Party’s Over,” says God

Random Fucking Box Section

“Yeah, I want to apologize to all those inconvenienced by the closing, but maybe if you had just tried a little harder things would have been cool. So fuck y’all, I’m out,”said the Creator.

(Ed.Note: While there is the overriding opinion that the following is not in fact a News article, there is also something to be said for the opposing camp; the kiss-my-lateediting-ass camp.)

In other news, both Vishnu and Allah were seen throwing their hands in the air and shrugging.

Danza on Danza

by New Star Staff Writer Tony Danza

Ms. Mir or Space Station Mir? Which imploded and which just blew the fuck up? Find out in The Medium.

Mir Implodes Armageddon Screenwriters Prophesy Actualized

5-N2-2-21-01.p65

1

*Tony Danza = hot! hot! hot! * Mexican-millionaire = poor

By Christopher Taylor

SPACE—Russian space station Mir, amidst its fifteenth birthday celebration, imploded in a less-thanfiery inferno, ending the lives of just two shy of a pair of Russian cosmonauts only days before the orbiting After hearing of Bush's decision, Kennedy remarked, structure was scheduled to be retired into the South "That fat bastard, its not fair!, Every time I try to use Pacific. a urinal I can not see my penis and I wind up up Mir, a problematic project for years, “will be sorely missing the urinal and peeing on my pants (the interested reader should refer to a medium from missed” by the likes of Russian Space Agency chief last semester for the technical details on how such a Yuri Koptev and Yuri Semyonov, the head of the feet is possible). No one should be allowed to pee in Energia company that built and has been running Mir. a urinal they are unfair to fat people and womyn. I “She was lived as a beautiful monster. She died as a demand they make them illegal. My name is Kennedy beautiful monster,” quipped Koptov after dispensing the usual “no one will be harmed by this non-disasfor crying out loud!". ter” pravda to the gullible masses.

At a press conference of his own, Jesse Jackson stated "Never forget Selma! We must now march on With the near-completion of the International Space Station, Mir’s usefulness as a home-away-from-home the nation's urinals!". for aspiring interstellar explorers has been called into Local fem-nazi Anita Dick commented "its not fair question as of late. “Mir was a hunk of metal that shouldn’t have lasted longer than Wham!” screamed that men don't have to sit on the toilets in the river an oddly agreeable Russian Prime Minister Putin. dorms or Yankee Stadium".

“We’ll soon show those American capitalist dogs how to run a space station…with teamwork.”

The Daily Targum contributed to this report.

1234567890123456789012345678901 1234567890123456789012345678901 1234567890123456789012345678901 Fuda means “large vagina” in 1234567890123456789012345678901 1234567890123456789012345678901 1234567890123456789012345678901 Hindi.

1234567890123456789012345678901

Hey, uh, you might be wondering why the once critically acclaimed actor, myself, would be writing for this filthy rag of a college paper. Well the answer to that question, simply put, is that I, Tony Danza*, am a filthy man. Yes I might be living the lush life of a Mexicanmillionaire* in a beach shack in sunny Acupulco, but I truly enjoy the life of pure squalor. From not brushing my teeth to my occasional leniency on the wipe-afteryou-shit code, I can honestly say that I am a filthy man. Not to mention that I also own my own line of child pornography accesories. You know, what I’m talking about, like accesory products for pornography geared towards a children audience. Stuff, like buildyour-own condoms and pearl necklace chains.

Anyways, so you really want to know why I’m writing for the Medium? I guess it’s cause I’m a filthy pervert just like those crazy soon-to-be arrested Medium editors. What I’m trying to say is that if you or any of your friends might be interested in buying some child pornography accesories call me. I hear the number is written in most Rutgers bathrooms.

Mir’s flaming remains can be seen in the northern sky every night shortly after dusk.

2/20/01, 1:44 AM

12345678901234567890123456789012 12345678901234567890123456789012 Think this section is crap?

12345678901234567890123456789012 12345678901234567890123456789012 Then write something better!

12345678901234567890123456789012 12345678901234567890123456789012 Send submissions to prometus@hotmail.com 12345678901234567890123456789012

I failed the Turing Test.

GMG The Medium Mailbag Dear Hands-On, with Rachel and Ryan Beckman Dear Beckmans, I have been married to my wife for thirteen years and in that time we’ve had sex on a fairly regular basis.

Every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday night we make love.

Recently there has been a problem however. I don’t know why, but for some reason I find myself unable to maintain an erection while having sex. How can I solve this problem?

Please help me, A big softy Dear Big Softy, Being a real man I have never experience impotence, and in fact I find willingness to admit this quite comical. There are a few possibilities on why your “manhood” isn’t able to perform anymore. After thirteen years of having sex on the same three nights of the week with the same woman your penis is probably pretty bored. You might try to spice up your sex life a little bit. Most people will tell you that altering the days you have sex will solve the problem but this isn’t always true. My suggestion is cheating on your wife, preferably with a person who has a STD. It’s that risky sex that will make your tiny penis grow like cancer. After you have had sex with the dirty whore, go home to your wife. That same night have sex with your bride. To bring some of that risk to the situation try to guess how long it will take your wife to realize that you’ve given her a STD. Dear Beckmans, I am a 24-year-old businessman who has recently moved to a new city. I’m not gay or anything but I’ve found myself being attracted to other men. I’m not gay, but sometimes I can’t stop thinking about sucking on a man’s penis. I go to the gym often and I wind up taking 4 or 5 showers just to see as many naked men as possible. I’ve never had any interest in men before, I’ve always done manly things like in high school I used to play football and in college I was in a fraternity. Why am I so curious about men now?

Wednesday, February 21st, 2001

Well let me start off by congratulating you on keeping your hands off yourself long enough to write your letter. Your problem reminds me of an old dog of mine – Pussy. Pussy loved nothing more in this world than to rub his enlarged cock up against inanimate objects. Well one day Pussy somehow managed to stick his “doghood” into the exhaust pipe of my neighbor’s car. He found the experience so arousing that when my neighbor unknowingly started up his car Pussy was unable to dislodge himself. Stuck to the car, Pussy was dragged for miles, the only part of him left identifiable was his still erect member. In summary, excessive masturbation causes bad breath.

Dear Beckmans, Sometimes I like to dress up in women’s underwear and stockings. I even put on heels and makeup on occasion. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with this until my wife walked in on me one day and was horrified. Can you tell me – is this abnormal?

Curious, Cross-Dresser Lester Dear Cross-Dresser Lester, Your situation is indeed extremely abnormal. What kind of modern day man allows his wife to roam free in his abode to do and go as she pleases. Since you obviously lack the balls to take any initiative allow me to suggest some instructional tools – a nice steel cage or even handcuffs will do nicely. Any time she exhibits any sign of free will quickly retrain her. This way she will learn to stay out of your business and you can do as you please. After all it’s not weird until someone else sees you doing it. . .

Dear Beckmans, I have a rather embarrassing problem – my penis is quite small, so small in fact that I need to use the centimeters measurement on a ruler instead of inches. I’m too embarrassed to become intimate with a woman. What should I do?

Tiny-Tim

Dear Tiny-Tim, As my grandmother always said – “Get a woman good and drunk and she’ll fuck anyone.

Anyone but a man with a small dick that is.” I’ve found that Help me please, grandmother’s little words of wisdom have proven themselves true time and time again The Flamboyant Frat Boy in my life. Take for instance the time she warned my cousin Joe not to bend over when grandpa wanted to play “hide the monkey” and who could forget the credo that I Dear Flamboyant, I think all the readers would agree with me when I say… you are gay. To check abide by, “Don’t waste your money buying porn when you can get it for free on the web.” Ah grandma, I’ll never forget her, and the syphilis won’t let me… if I am right or not return to that fraternity and proposition any member for gay sex.

Most likely any present day frat brother will graciously accept this invitation. If you enjoy having your anal cavity repeatedly pumped like a small dog you will be certain of your sexual preference. Then you have 2 options. You can either kill yourself to To Perversion spare your family and friends the shame of being associated with a homosexual or you

by Michelle Salvaggio can seek therapy. Back during WWII there used to be some correctional facilities in Germany and Poland to fix people with your problem but the “bleeding-heart liberals” You've always been there for me even though I'm not really sure what you shut those places down. Good luck and say hi to the boys at TKE for me. are Dear Beckmans, My wife and me have been together for a mere 7 months and I’m already finding the flames of our sexual passion flickering. Often while masturbating at work I’ll fantasize of having anal sex with her. How would I be able to suggest this without offending her?

Those bastards from the right wing try to ban you preaching family values, but I won't let that happen I expressed you freely in that parked car behind the frat house

I need help, Buttlover

You're always there when some strange man attempts to seduce me with a line

Dear Buttlover, Your problem reminds me of a story I once read. It was called “Boffo and the Great Motorcycle Race”. In the story Boffo had to race against his worst enemy, the evil Mortimer. Once Mortimer got ahead of Boffo he threw sharp tacks in the road to pop Boffo’s tires. Fortunately for Boffo a cow was near by and he filled his tires with milk. The thirst-quenching dairy product combined with the spinning of the wheels formed butter and sealed the holes. Boffo was able to race again and he beat Mortimer. As you can see by my story, all you have to do is tell your wife you want to try this new position, when she says ok plunge into her anus and jackhammer away until you cum…she’s married to you where’s the bitch gonna go?

Would you like to come back to my room, you can see the pigs mating from the window How could I forget your influence on my freshman year roommate, that was some handiwork Oh, and who could forget the stack of magazines and bag of films I found in the basement to usher me into your world I especially enjoyed your intrusion into the many art films actually shown on campus

Dear Beckmans, I have a serious problem – I can’t stop masturbating. Whether I’m at home, at You have withstood the test of time in all places and cultures the office, or at the dentist’s I have a constant need to pleasure myself. The situation is There may be a negative connotation surrounding you, but your expression getting worse and I don’t know what to do. can take place in any bedroom, car, or alleyway Help me, Hands-On

6-GMG-2-21-01.p65

Am I sick for appreciating you? Yeah, probably, but at least I'm honest with myself.

1

2/20/01, 2:19 AM

Wednesday, February 21st, 2001

FEATURES

A gila monster just fell asleep in my lunchbox

Patrick Bateman Died Today or: Newsflash in the Pan of Gesticular Musings and Cancerous Spews or: February 11th, 2001: Pagan Blessings from Upstairs (no more for you).

“A Spankless Chore” Nine Days sans Masturbation

by Troy Crowder troyc22@yahoo.com

A few weeks ago things got pretty busy for me and I wouldn’t be able to see my girlfriend for a while. When talking to her on the phone she made some smartby Daniel Kresmery aleck remark about how I’d be ‘yanking my crank’ nonstop until we’d see each other again. I took exception to that, as I wasn’t in the mood to let her get in a laugh at me.

I decided the only thing to shut her up (since we were on the phone, my usual solution Pagan blessings out there. Hep hep to all the catsters of Suave, Autonomous Aliens of of “shove my cock in her mouth” was out of the question) was to prove to her I could go Collective. Collection of specimens, I feel your enlightenment is over there, yonder, without. I told her I would go without ‘hitting the ham’ until we saw each other again, come up the windows of the glassies and peek out, go on… oh what the fuck? Curdle which would be nine days away. She got a big laugh out of that, but that served to like the Bailey’s of a carbomb, fretting at the digestive foulness that lurks behind the red embolden me more. This is the record of my trials. mouth and tongue and proverbial punching bag of the throat, muscles to glide into the Day 1: Not a big problem. I’ve gone without an ‘honorable discharge’ for a Acid Pool of Bile, a clear drop&plunge in, only to splash unst a collection of halfday before, like when doing things like spending a night at the Grandparents house, decomposed guck muck and the remains of some sacred Food Scripture—the mere long travel days, and when under extreme fatigue. thought makes us all curl and change chemical compositions—who’d ever want to Day 2: Still not a big problem. A two-day break from ‘spanking the monkey’ scratch such surfaces of bewonder… as long as the juices keep flowing in the right is unusual, but still nothing I haven’t lived through before. I know the worst is ahead direction, with the desired consistency & speeds, odors—keep the negatives of the bioof me, but also ahead of me lies the satisfaction of proving to my girlfriend that I’m no machine minimalized, maximize positive feedback from within; that drill; it’s genetic compulsive ‘weasel teaser.’ Uh, not that there was much doubt. Still, why did her eHubba… Budd-die—but the Bailey’s, bathing with the whiskey dropping into the black mail today tell me that I didn’t have to go through with this to prove anything to her? froth of Ireland, some drunks scream “Carbomb!” and it (he) hurls/curls, cuddles Day 3: I begin to feel stronger pangs of desire to ‘punish the bishop.’ To keep chemically within himself—hey, peek not, get thoust self back. I look out the window my mind off anything sexual, I have taken to reading a cartoon book on quantum now dear Placebo, the baby blue sky of contrast background to the crinkly brown trunks physics. Quite entertaining, not to mention interesting. Nothing like the ultraviolet of life and branches, the leaves smitten, dirtied by winter and mud and the snow catastrophe to take one’s mind off sex. yielding to some higher order solar ray guns from above…. makes me wonder. I wonder Day 4: Mornings are difficult. Just because I’ve done away with ‘hearing the how, I wonder why… I wonder about the blue blue sky…and all that I can see, is just sound of one hand clapping’ each night before I go to bed, I still wake up at full mast. another Lemon Tree… No lemons trees outside here; this is Jersey—(“New”): suburban As long as I can get past that, I’m not doing badly. Just have to keep telling myself I’ve decay and preservation of Higher Family Values, lots of Jews and big cars and Protectors got lots of important things to do which can keep me occupied besides ‘manual overof Peace, strange scenes for my pagan ass. Jerome Scott Richardson was shot & killed ride.’ Hm, I’ve got homework to do, don’t I? today in the path at Hoboken—he smiled and told waiting passengers on the platform, Day 5: OK, this is not easy. I’ve gone through my memory and I think this is all impatient from the heat of stagnant air and continuos promise of their train’s arrival the longest I’ve gone without ‘playing pocket yahtzee’ since I first started to do it, that never comes, that he honestly felt the next rush of cold air from out of that tunnel waaaaay back in 8th grade. I’ve caught myself unconsciously fondling myself more would excite him so much he’d jump in front of the train that came with it. “I honestly than usual, and not just in acceptable situations like when I’m waiting at the bus stop. feel that the next rush of cold air from out of that tunnel will excite me so much I think The cartoon book on quantum physics isn’t working very well anymore, either; that I’ll jump in front of the train that comes with it,” he’d said. A lady pulled her son to illustration of Niels Bohr, the Great Dane, is really looking hot right now. Good ol’ her fat thigh; the man took three steps to the left and turned around. So with the rush Werner Heisenberg ain’t so bad, now that I think of it. No! Enough of this! Away jumped with gleee and spread his arms out in front of the train’s headlights like Jesus from me, vile tome! You will not tempt me to ‘spank the monkey.’ and yelling “kumba-yah my ass, kiss my butt! Goomba Johnny loves girls” and someDay 6: Got my latest issue of Maxim in the mail. I don’t dare even read an thing about wanting to “bust a nut”, uninterpretable mumbles according to cameras, article, lest I feel more urges to ‘make the bald guy puke.’ I put it beneath the phone audio, witnesses—the Strange Scene evoked an understandable pathos and humanity book for the next few days and head to the library, pledging to stay away from the art within the Gang Member (some color), he shot twice at the man’s chest as to make him stacks (I must avoid the pre-Raphaelites!). Today I also made the mistake of going with crumble under the oncoming train, minimizing the blood splash effect. The wheels a friend to the Music Department on Douglass Campus. Walking around the Nicholas macheted his bones, to say, rag-dolled & pulped, poor fellow—but the Pagans can let Music Center, one can easily see the dance studios filled with easily visible practicing him into Their World of Reward now, to say, so pagan blessings to The Heroes of the dance students. This being winter, it may be the best place to see a lot of skin covering Underground, “path” of kindness, for shooting & all, tho some Higher Authorities from some very nice, very flexible bodies. I forced myself to leave, else I start a game of ‘five Lower Levels of Social Management might grumble & have his hide… but do not peek against one’ right there in public. out the window I guess, that’s the reason, do not eyeball outside—panes of shelter— Day 7: Last night was a close one. When night came, I lay down to go to bed growing pains the Book has taught us all—now you know better Son—Daughter of and strained to resist the urge for a ‘staff meeting’ right then and there. Somehow I got Hedon, Get Back!—while I anecdote dear Placebos, c’mon, 69 tales of debuggery, to sleep. Today I’m restless. I need something to do with my hands. I answer every buttsex, squirrels, Richard Belzer, and our Collective Desire—ye Gods! You hear this last email I’ve gotten in the past several weeks. I write my congressmen, asking how shit: Patrick Bateman died today. He was 83. they’re doing. I alphabetize my CD collection. I alphabetize my roommate’s CD collection. I take the C bus just to say I’ve done it. I start playing Free Cell from game Barnyard Bonanza #1onwards. I sign up for a pregnant moms mailing list and send in messages about

by Michelle Salvaggio how badly I want to abort. I study. I practice piano. I do anything, anything at all to avoid ‘taking a shake break.’

The sun set behind the now quiet farm Day 8: Mornings continue to be hard, if you’ll pardon the pun. Aside from Animal sex, animal sex, animal sex everywhere that, it’s starting to get easier. I’m so out of the habit of ‘Patting the Robertson’ that You've got cocks, bitches, sows, and cows the desires are starting to fall away from me. I feel good, as I’ve proven to myself (and You must think I'm sick because I like to watch animals going at it the woman) that I’m not a slave to ‘getting in touch with myself.’ And I have so much It started at a zoo some time ago when I witnessed the union of two llamas free time now!

We could learn a lot from the animals Day 9: Finally! This day has come at last and after I wake up and dash into My father taught us about animals, ABOUT EATING THEM! the shower for a cold rinse, I know that I’ve won. I haven’t given in to my urges to Everytime you eat veal, think about the baby cow squealing in pain ‘stroke my goat’ and damn if I haven’t gotten a lot of stuff done. Most of it was stuff I When it could be squealing in pleasure didn’t need to do, but nonetheless, something to be proud of. The irony of course is I should have gone to Cook where I could see the sheep mating from my that since I’ll be seeing my girlfriend today, I sure as hell won’t be ‘turning Japanese,’ window if you catch my drift.

They can't talk back and they certainly can't say no I hope you’ve all learned something from my experience. In case you aren’t I wish I was hung like a horse even though I'm not a man sure, the moral of this story is to never make this kind of stupid promise to your A chicken can fit an egg out of its body, but I wonder what could go in significant other. Swallow your damn pride and ‘Fran your Lawrence’ even if they do You can think what you want, but animal sex is the only free form of make fun of you. It’s easy, it’s a stress reliever, and it’s better exercise than reading. pornography.

Encourage them to do it, too. If I can encourage one more person to not be afraid to ‘tickle the THE MEDIUM NEEDS YOUR HELP! elmo,’ I know my nine days of doing without will have been worthwhile.

Come to the Medium meeting Wednesday at 9:30 in Room 113 of the Livingston Student Center. Submit Features to mgryan@eden. Sure, it’s safer to wipe from front to back, but I play by my own rules, dig?

7-Feat-2-21-01.p65

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PS - my favorite euphemisms that I didn’t fit into this article: Choke Kojak, Civil War, Couch Hockey for One, Date Miss Michigan, Hitchhike Under the Big Top, Masonic Secret Self Handshake, Meeting with Palmala Handerson, Pulling Your Goalie, Roughing up the Suspect, Shaking Hands With the Governor

2/20/01, 2:18 AM

ARTS

“When you get drunk I’ll be the wine”

Alternative Women s Studies: Lesson One Karen Finley by j buddha

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Karen Finley became an infamous name during the 80 s for her avant-garde works 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 against rape and oppression of female sexuality. Now she is considered the most important 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 performing artist of the past decade. Unfortunately, due to the suppresion of her art in 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 colleges, very few college students know who she is and what she does.

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Karen Finley became a black sheep of the arts when 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Karen strikes a domestic pose Senator Jesse Helms and other conservative republicans 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 started a movement to blacklist Finley from artistic fund12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 ing. None of these politicians had ever seen Finley s works.

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 They had only heard rumors about how she smothered 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 herself in chocolate and inserted yams into her anal ori12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 fice during performance pieces. While some people may 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 find these spectacles indecent , Finley did not violate any 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 law pertaining to speech. Nevertheless, the National En12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 dowment for the Arts (NEA), at the behest of these sena12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 tors, rescinded funding of Finley s projects as well as the 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 projects of four other artists. Finley complained, and the 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 NEA eventually gave her grant money back.

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Finley and the four other artists then went to the Su12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 preme Court and attempted to set a precedent such that 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 NEA grants could not be removed from artists on sponta12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 neous claims of indecency . Or, as Finley would tell re12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 porters, To end the horrible relationship I ve had with 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Jesse Helms for the past eight years! Unfortunately, the 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Supreme Court ruling of Karen Finley, et al. vs. The United States proved adversary 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 however. The court ruled that the NEA could remove funding on the grounds 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 of indecency.

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 To make matters worse, indecency was vaguely defined in a man12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 ner supporting homophobic rhetoric and sexist ideologies. Homoerotic 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 works were blatantly deemed indecent, but without a definition as to what 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 consituted homoerotic . Concurrently, heterosexually erotic works were 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 not deemed necessitively indecent, (especially if they were produced for 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 male viewing pleasure.) Also, certain defamations of religious traditions 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 could be considered indecent, such as representing Jesus as a woman.

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 After her court case against the NEA, Finley posed in Playboy maga12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 zine to show her defiance. Though she wrote an article about free speech to accompany the 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 nude photos of her body drenched in chocolate, the article never appeared in the final 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 production. Nevertheless, Finley was happy with how Playboy produced the piece about 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 her.

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 Karen Finley has been a regular guest star on Bill Moyer s Politically Incorrect . She 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 recently produced a biography that outlines all of her works and her intentions behind 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 them. Her most accessible installation is 1-900-ALL-KAREN, which features a pre-recorded 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 monologue by Karen Finley. She has become the most interviewed performance artist of 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 our era, and one of the most vocal advocates of free speech.

12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 **** 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 RU s libraries only offer one of Karen Finley s works. If you want more of Finley s 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 works in the libarary system, please fill out the information below and then hand it to a 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 librarian or place it in the comments box. Also, you can email the person responsible for 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 12345678901234567890123456789012123456789012345678901234567890121234567890123456789012345678901212345678901234567890123456789 buying our books.

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Wednesday, February 21st, 2001

Junta Ejaculations by j’buddha

-------------------------------------------------------------

The fluxing fluxist spatters about a psychedelic hurly-burly of digital graffiti and declares a new motto for the aeon:

But what will the neighbors think?!

Flux the neighbors, j buddha says, It s time for some sonic satyagraha!

Blue paint splatters across the walls of the Sistine Chapel. God is dead. Aum. And Charlotte Corday D Armont kills Jean-Paul Marat; the people cheer and demand an encore.

Guillotines behead, gas chambers inoculate everyone with Socratic poisons it s called high school, television, urban media hoo-rah, hip-yah propaganada. Anyway: We have no time to waste time is money. We can t go around sparing lives, we must be efficient.

Afterall, we have reputations at stake! And an economy!

Unfortunately the Akhenatons still hold onto the past. They re forcing it down our throats.

Some are bourgeois; some are proletariat or even lumpen. They come in so many camouflages. But that really doesn t matter. What matters is that there is no history. There is only now.

There is only now and no other meaning.

(The above is the artist’s attempt to reclaim an ancient holy symbol. For a more concrete explanation, check out http://www.intelinet.org/swastika/ -Arts)

I don t give a rat s ass about war crimes. Bomb the fuckers.

More War for Oil! Yee Haw!

Dear Robert G. Sewell, Associate University Librarian for Collection Development and Management, rgsewell@rci.rutgers.edu : I would like to see more of Karen Finley’s meaningful debauchery in the Rutgers Library system. Please purchase more of her books and audio recordings.

Thank you, Did Did you you vote vote for for Bush?

Bush? Please Please abort abort yourself. yourself.

Or Or come come to to LSC LSC Rm113 Rm113 at at 9:30 9:30 pm pm and and we’ll we’ll give give you even more reasons to. Submit articles to hardcandy@wildmail.com

Name________________________________________ Year_________________

8-Arts-2-21-01.p65

1

2/20/01, 12:02 AM

Wednesday, February 21st, 2001 To that dirty fuckin asshole who made fun of the people in Liv. House 17... If I ever find out who you are, I will fuckin rip your dick off and shove it so far up your ass, you'll be the true dickless pussy that we all know you are. You make fun of those people again, and I'll chop your balls off and feed 'em to your fat nasty mom who should get slaped for conciving your sorry ass.

(Wow I’m impressed I didn’t realize people who lived in Liv House 17 actually knew how to read) To my intimidating instructor Why the hell do you have to be so fuckin scary? Your class raises my fuckin blood pressure. And stop calling on me damn it, you know I'm a fuckin idiot. Why don't you just take the big textbook and shove that boring crap up your ass, asshole to that fucking whore Erin from clothier, why are you such a dirty skank? everyone hates you and is sick of hearing your cocksucking every fucking night. stop flipping around your nasty blond weave or someone will burn it along with those red pleather pants of yours.

You can't dance, so just stop and save us all the torture of watching you. You are a nasty dirty fucking skank ass whore and you should learn to keep your clothes on and stop fucking every guy you see.

To all you Douglass Dykes... next time you decide to jump infront of me and my car, A.K.A. "The Cuban Cruiser".. you'd better be ready to run as fast as your hairy, stank-ass legs will carry you. I Ain't stoppin' for your tree hugging mugs next time.

(Don’t worry girls, we all know Cubans are dirty, filthy liars who are on welfare - there is no way this guy owns a car) c-i had a great time with you this summer, you were the best lay i've had in a long time, better than my wife, especially after squeezing our beastly children out of herself.... How bout you come back and i'll give you another go - the old man To the sexy phillipino boy who squats if you know what I mean.

All of us (the girls of house 38) want you. I hope you’ve noticed.....If you havent we just want to say we can't wait to see you in action I just want to give a shout out to the very naked attractive women in the sauna at the C/D rec center Tuesday night. Just kidding! You were both repulsive! Here's a hintput on some clothes and trim your snatch!

(Ha! she was just kidding, she got me)

9-P1-2-21-01.p65

1

God-damn this voice inside my head. . .

To that wanna be upper class NPig in my crime prevention class, SHUT THE FUCKL UP!!! Not everything has to do with race and not everyone is trying "to hold the black man down!". Maybe if you had more intellegence than a fucking mountain gorilla then you would realize that you sound like a fucking moron everytime you open your mouth. 1 LOUMAS

Belated Valentine’s Personals

To Andy from Cook, you are a fucking liar with a small matchstick for a penis. its a shame that youre nose is bigger then youre cock... To that fucking loser in mattia, all i can say is that youre a nerd, don't even try to act big...oh youre in fucking TKE, big fucking deal, wow, you're a man now, please,rufee me and fuck me, thats all youre good for you fucking piece of shit flaming asshole

Vic-Vic want to with single G-spot ladies Happy Valentines Day, espically S.K., cause I'll be alone too....sigh....

Rutgers is #1

To that cutie in Silvers you know who you are I hope you have a nice Valentines Day w/ one of your many girls:) I hope one day you find that wifey and if not keep doin ya thang and maybe one day you can get some of the best you will ever have Happy Valentines Day

(As rated by the national survey for sexually transmitted diseases) to that hot puerto rican mami TN that lives in the quads, i've noticed u in my tw ITI class and my mw comm theory class. you have to be the hottest woman I have ever seen, with beautiful brown eyes and curves that no man dare touch. every time i try to approach you, i chicken out because your muffin ass is too much for me to handle. i just wanted to let you know that if you have a boyfriend, he must be the luckiest man alive. see you in my dreams...

To my obivously lonely and pathetic expos. teacher. I fucking hate you! I realize that "hate" is a strong word and I intend to use it in that way. You have the mentality of a whore but your putrid looks and lack of any sort of fashion sense keep you from scoring any ass. Stop taking you fucking sexual frustrations out on me. I won't sleep with you..unless of course you give me an "A".

Wait...I'm gay, but even if I wasn't I'd rather chew off my left nut than fucking touch you. Why won't you die?

-To my fuckin' sloppy ass roomate, quit bringing your stupid jewish girlfriend over to my room. Tell her to go back to Israel or something because she doesn't belong here. You guys better stop fucking 24-7 or that bitch is gonna be as loose as your 400lb. mom.

-A long time ago there was this boy named Earl. He had lots of toejam. There was also an earthworm named jim. They lived happily together in the Mushroom Kingdom. On their honeymoon there were lots of turkeys with machine guns that had cats with knives in their buts. Then God created man.....

Han, I love you but I have to admit, I do it all for your nookie. I know I am crazy sometimes but you gotta love me. Maybe one day I'll calm down. Happy Valentine's Day! Love, Leia Han, I want to take you on V-day, rip off your cloths and fuck your brains out. Love, Leia

whats the deal I wanna give shout outs to Heathcliff on the football team and I just wanna say that you are one of the sweetest guys around here and I want you to know that you will always be my cutie football player Have a Happy Valentines Day

dear lisa, Be my valentine, for you are Hot and Asian.... i love your slanty eyes, and your won ton soup... GOT RICE BITCH? love....bling bling This is to that sexy Filipino boy in my evolution class at Douglass - with the orange hair..I think that you're so damn hot!! You surprised me with the hair..I want to grab that head of yours and pull it between my legs..keep a look out - I'm closer than you think..Happy Valentine's Day, mahal!!

Don't think we forgot about you boys - Tristan, Kieran and Pat, Aaron and Marcel..we missed you over Christmas break, so we'll make it up to you for Valentine's Day =) Hot candle wax would look so nice being dripped all over your bodies..followed by some good fucking..let's have dinner Valentine's night, come find us underneath your tables with your cocks in our mouths..till then..

To my fucking roommate Todd.

Dear Todd you are the most discusting,perverted,fucked up,irritating,monkey rapping,goat fucking, son of a BIATCH I have ever seen, and most probably ever see. whenever you start making those discusting noises at 5 fucking am, I really want to kick you fucking ass, you no good ass fuck. So why don't you do me a favor and MOVE THE FUCK OUT. with extreme appreciation and love your friendly roommate (If your girlfriend doesn’t mind your roomate ramming her up the ass at 5 in the morning I don’t see what your problem with it is) To the bitch-ass cock mongerer who keeps pulling the fucking fire alarm in Quad I. If I have to get up at fucking 3:00 in the morning to freeze my ass off one more time, I swear to fucking God I will hunt you down. I'm gonna fucking track down where you live and set your home ablaze. Then I'll light a cigarette as I listen to your parents' and sparky's bloddcurdling screams as their flesh charrs.

Doubt me mother fucker. oh yeah.

Hi mom...I'm on tv....wait...shit. rachel, you are gorgeous. if you would let me i would throw you down and have hot, nasty sex with you. and i'm totally serious. so will you?

(If you are as ‘fast’ as they say you are, I’ll pass on this ‘free ride’ guess who stole all the money out of the register at Gerlanda's and used it on marijuana, ecstacy, acid, and special k? hahaha...yeah, fuck you John Bender you bitch (Well as long as you didn’t waste it on something like books for class. . .)

PERSONALS To that fat jewish fuck on campbell 2. I am so sick of your shit, YOU FUCKING ASS FUCK. I see your dumb ass sittin in Brower, Why dont you take your coat off inside!

And why the fuck do you wear flip flops in february, its fucking cold as shit outside you dickless fagot!

Oh and I know about what you did Saturday night with your drunken ass. Rachel told me everything. I HATE YOUR FAT ASS. I hope your happy with that cock sucking whore bitch waste of human flesh. Apparently you go down on her better than me, cause that's all that fucking slut talks about with her fucking bitch friends. But, that's ok, I know from experience that it will take days for you to get that fish taste out of your mouth.

You just better watch your ass art fag!!

(Just one more reason to rid this world of fat people) to the anonymous slobs that trashed the woodbury second floor bathroom: i don't care who you are, but it's nice to know that as "adults" you need a sign posted in the bathroom outlining the rules of simple ettiquette. and while we're on the topic: its nice to know that these same "adults" need to be reminded thousands of times of the policy on guests before they actually begin to follow these rules; busted, please keep your yambags under close watch, nobody wants to see that. thank you for instilling the warm fuzzy feeling that i have in my heart for humanity right now. to my dearest friend vicki, all i have to tell you is that you are one evil bitch...but i love you..."plastic bag plastic bag"love, the midget

Have you ever had every orifice of your body simultaneously penetrated by violent Muppets?

This is to the girl who wrecks my roommate's bed.i caught you playing with his nipples the other day.

You took my sweatshirt, You took my boxers, and you left your dirty clothes. my bed is still got stains on it from the other night. next time when you come over bring a change of clothes. Why you got to play me like that. Mess my bed and then play around with my roommate. Valentines is just another day! to the cute blonde haired blue eyed crew boy from mcLow, you are damn sexy. will you please be my valentine? a not so secret admirer

If you want to know what if feels like cum to a Medium meeting at the Livingston Student Center in room 113 at 9:30.

2/20/01, 12:20 AM

PERSONALS

I d wish for an ironed shirt

This is for that hottie with black hair and glasses in my Psych Class T5TH5 that knows all the answers.

That class is so fucking boring that when I sit across the room from you all I could think about is sucking your big fat cock. Hearing your deep voice really turns me on. Cum sit next to me and we’ll have a good time after class.

This is to all you fuckin REC-E Faggots at Cook. You bitches need to fuckin get a life. Sorry to tell you but ur HS Freshmen attitude is corny ass ur stupid faces.You fuckers are fat ugly and have no game,when it comes to sports. The only way you stupid fucks win is b/c your refree buddies give you the calls. I hope you all die of malaria. REC-E Hater

(Mmmm Big Black Cocks with pearly white cum)

(Man that’s not cool, my uncle died of malaria when he was working on the Panama canal... oh wait no he didn’t, it was just thousands of poeple I don’t know, that IS funny)

I am a savage beer-drinking football watching male, who only thinks about how he can use and abuse females. I am looking to tap the ass of a nagging female, who only thinks about herself and doesn’t know what she wants but can get away with it because she is so beautiful. I think we will make an awesome couple because I will show you off like a trophy to my friends and you will make me go insane with all your bitching. But, the sex will be great and that’s all that really matters right? If interested reply in the personals to Savage Man. Thanks.

(Translation: I am a single closet homosexual, will someone please rape my virgin boy ass.)

My mommy never taught me how to eat with a fork, so the boys at the round tables laugh at me.

Brower takeout involves NO UTENSILS so its perfect. The hot boy that works there is so hot.

Mmmmmm, SO DREAMY. I Love The way he uses his big muscles to cut my sandwich. Sometimes i wish he’d call out my name in ecstasy and instead of an italian sub, he’d slap over a large throbbing cock for me to take home with a small pastry treat. Mmmmmmmmm.

-901 Snerlick is bigger. Holly and Olivia don’t know what they missed.

Dumb bitches.

Hey is Rachel (Personal Ad Editor) Cute? If she is maybe I’ll cum to/at a Medium meeting.

(Much to the dismay of my co-editors I think Incest is disgusting and I refuse to answer that, but yes) To that rusty knob. You wish everyone got a turn at the knob. But they wouldn’t dare touch you even for all the russian money in fairlawn. Oh yeah, thanks for all these goys you brought us for this semester, they must have been attracted to the mole.

(Though I die...la resistance lives on....)

Jay, we have been through a lot and we are still together. I guess we are meant to be. You mean the world to me. I love you. Love Kat

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This goes out to the girls of CAMPBELL ONE. You are all by far the hottest things I’ve ever seen. I want to bang each and every one of you. Please come to Clothier and find me on the 3rd floor. We’ll form a line out my door and each of you beautiful ladies can fuck the shit out of me. I LOVE YOU CAMPBELL GIRLS!!!!!

This is to the fat blonde whore you know who you are.You have no self-esteem, your the saddest case at rutgers.Your the touchest bitch ever,you even get offended when i call you a stupid alcoholic brit.Get a life and lay-off everyone’s dick.

You slut-bag, cum depository whore, your the fucking F bus of the campus.

(Ok, fat and whore...no problem, but the F bus? Man you are one mean motherfucker) Poop is good for me. I love poop.

You should love poop too. Poopies for you, and poopies for me. Thank you for pooping on me. Can he rise in sittings or can the poop eat tiny ear poopies?

(I hope everyone liked that, my two year old cousin wroteit in after smearing his own feces on his genitals and mine.)

To Adam from the track team, damn you’re fine, boy.

To that supersexy kid with the green hat in my MTh 2 Human Evolution class...I want to eat you up like icecream on a hot July afternoon!! GOD, YOU ARE BEAUTIUL...

(Who’s beautiful, god or the kid?

Well in either case that’s me so...)

To the motherfucker mentor at Lippincott-you are a fuckin snaggletooth piece of shit that should be put in a museum! You are the missing link! The theory of evolution is proven by you, you stankass hoe!! DIE BITCH DIE!!!

This is a response to that BITCH who decided to blatantly lie about me in last weeks MEDIUM. Learn how to not insult yourself when attempting to insult me u fucking idiot. FIRST OFF, i havent slept with anyone since ive been to RU!!

But apparently, you’ve slept with a whole bunch in order to contract genital herpes, WHICH I DONT FUCKING HAVE EITHER! Also, I don’t take sluts leftovers and have NEVER hooked up with small dicked guys!! SO sorry that you have no life and if your man did come to me, SUCKS FOR YOU BITCH!! -Noemi from campbell psBRING YOUR FUCKING SHIT ON!!

(Ahh a chick fight breaking out in front of me, this is a wet dream come true) To Becky, I love your big fluffy tits you know who this is, just show them to me, actually every guy on your floor loves those dirty pillows, every guy u know wants to see them knockers, so keep on wearing them tanktops or just do us all a favor and flash us!

To that guy in the south tower who rooms with the frat guy, get a life, no one likes you, matter of fact everyone hates you, all the girls think your a black skinny corn ball, why dont u do us a favor and die!

(If i had a dollar for everytime someone told me to die....)

Do beautiful girls ever feel like guys talk to them just because they are pretty? And why is it that like all the pretty girls have boyfriends?

Or at least that is what they tell me.

You know what pisses me off?

When I see a beautiful girl with an ugly guy cuz the girl can obviously do better with me. Life is cruel and treats you unfairly.

(Don’t worry, pretty girls just don’t like ugly guys... try homosexuality, just make sure you match your shoes and purse) We just want to know were the FUCK the word jerkmother went?

We fucking love that word and you guys used to use it all the time.

Please use it more. Oh yeah, and can you try to use the word bitchass. That one’s pretty funny too...but nothing is funnier than the combo of the two - you BITCHASS JERK-MOTHERS!!!! Now get on that shit! Bitch!

(Lick my hairy balls you jerk moth, haha i had you didn’t i you stupid JERK MOnkey, had you again... you fucking JERK mommy)

Wednesday, February 21st, 2001 2 the White Supremacist who had a few complaints about minorities in last week’s Medium: I love white people...all minorities get financial aid etc. Excuse the minority organizations for having the occasional party that we can get down to. it’s...the race of the person that determines the quality of the person. I... discrimate. P.S.- Much Love to T3!!!

(This dumb cockholster’s personal was too long so i took out the...useless parts) this goes out to the two girls who performed “big balls” at the suites talent show on busch this tuesday. you fucking bitches are so fucking hot! i think i’m in love... with both of you. i couldn’t take my eyes off of your small, yet unbelievably firm and supple asses. come shake them my way! i cannot wait until you once again don your slutty vestments for the final competition on february 26th!!! can i have a quarter, because my mom told me to call her when i fell in love.

(May i have a quarter because MY mom told me to jam it up the ass of anyone who said that) to that short, stubby, perverted looking old person at Gerlanda’s juice bar in Busch, stop being an asshole, kill yourself, stop molesting the young children of piscataway, youre not a calc teacher you fucking liar, eat shit and kill yourself...get it? kill yourself (I don’t care what you say about me but leave my dad out of this.)

To that DEAD SEXY asian guy in my Photo 1 class MW56-I want to eat you up like pork fry rice.

To the hot Asian guys-how can I not love you?

To all medium editors: I took last semester off, so I missed a shitload of mediums. I feel deprived. Please have one of those autistic seals who apparently runs the school hand deliver them to my dorm.

(Autism is not soemthing to joke about, oh wait it is) To that hott blond in my comp app mw5, i wanna lick u till u quiver with pleasure and scream for me to stop...i gotta admit i wanted to jump u in middle of tillet dining hall when i saw u and ur friend sit down...if u want some action let me know...

(P.S. meet me in the third shower at 11:20 tonight for hot lesbian sex.)

(Which brings me to my next point, don’t smoke crack...eat it)

This personal is for that really hot kid Derek from Belleville...I want to have all six of your children!!! No seriously, thanks for comin to visit me these past few weeks. Sorry there wasn’t much to do, but Douglass sucks, so ya know.

Anyhoo, I’m really glad we’re friends =) Laters...

Rutgers is filled with autistic people

(I changed my mind, do both)

(Dumb bitch, he wants 8 kids)

Ass, Titties, Ass n Titties, Ass, Ass, Titties, Titties, Ass n Titties...

2/19/01, 11:57 PM

I am an obese smoking alcoholic who is in his 5th year at Rutgers.

I’m short, balding, have no social skills, and poor bowel control. I’ve failed most of my classes so I think I’ll be here for quite a while. I am looking for a female who is nagging, overbearing, overweight and who wouldn’t know sensitive if it bit her in the ass. Oh by the way. I forgot to mention that I have a small cock. The reason why I’m putting out this personal is because I’ve only been screwed with the fuckin RU Screw. I need to get with a girl and I refuse to graduate until I get laid. If interested reply to The Fat Man. To the WASP (White and Stupid Person) who ranted and raved about the “predominant minority” community on campus: If you feel that you are “surrounded by all these fucking foreigners”come to my place for some fun anal loving.

I hate white people because I fear their ablity to make money and control the government. Kill whitey...i hate white people blah blah blah Ebonics is spelled E-B-O-N-I-C-S (sound it out), not Eubonics and fraternity is spelled F-R-A-T-E-RN-I-T-Y not fraternaty. Good luck with the reading sweetie, I know you can do it!

(White people just suck...damn honkey cracker cousin raping pieces of shit...oh wait, i was thinking of people from the south.) to a certain football player in crosby...don’t let that bitch get to you, i know youre good in bed, you always were. whenever your cock rams my asshole i can barely hold back the yells, and even though my penis isn’t as big as yours, i know that you love me...and i love you too...forever...GO GO GO RUTGERS! (Why send a personal to someone who can’t read...ya know, because football players are dumb, so they can’t read?)

To the retarded football player from last week’s medium. A quick lesson in basic comp: PErformance, not purformance virgIn, not virgun feeliNgs, not feelinngs (See, I told you they were dumb) For years the entrapment has kept me inside, But noticing you cracked the cage where resides My lust, the filth with that dirt I adore I never have wanted anyone more. I don’t starve for affection, or pure love, I starve for YOUR passion, to take me above. I see you, I feel you, I want you to know I can taste you and will make you moan. You have entranced me, I can’t eat or sleep For rapture I wait, for the ecstasy live. I want K. from TKE. Met WED at canceled party... Blond?

Find me for MORE. (More STDs you dirty whore)

Wednesday, February 21st, 2001 overheard on the L bus on driver intercom system, "Yeah, so come to College Ave some time this afternoon and bring some lube or lub spray for my 'back door'." hmmm... to that muthafucka' straight edge hoe Lara-YOU GIVE ME A BONER!! too bad you have CRABS! (Why does he make it sound like having crabs is a bad thing?)

To that fucking little cunt rage bitch in my Friday morning sociology class in Beck Hall. Go fuck yourself, and when you're done, toss yourself deep into the Grand Canyon so that nobody has to deal with you. You are a little fucking rat and nobody likes you. It is people like you why there are things called condoms. I was gonna say that you should be the poster child for abortion, but then I pictured your face and wanted to puke. You probably would have been better off as a blow job. Your mom would have spit you out and then the world wouldn't have to deal with you. Overall, just wanted to say FUCK YOU, you cunt rag little bitch. DON'T EVER FUCK WITH ME AGAIN! And FYI, I didn't write the last one, but from here on out, it only gets worse! Oh yeah, FUCK YOU!

To those two girls who are always together one is spanish with curly hair and the other is black with long hair! Damn you two look good as shit and I just want you two to know that you are runnin things on Douglass more than any other girls around here. I am always seeing you guys with mad people thats why I never say anything. So the next time I see you two I am going to fuck each one of you I am going to take one and have the other watch and then switch! Damn that sounds good! So the next time I see you two I'm going to show you guys a real nigga more than any nigga ya'll fuck wit now!

(Next week’s news headline: Douglass Dyke rapes two of her own) To the inverted nipple whore on the 5th floor with the Black Hole Vagina...Your huge, tuna scented snatch makes me so sick I want to stick my junk in an old fashion meat grinder to ease the pain of the smell. Oh yeah, and stop throwing up in my friends mouths, it sickens me...

(What is wrong with your friend, there is nothing sexier than a mouth filled with another person’s vomit...excuse me, i need to “use the bathroom”) Elephants never forget. Just ask Vishnu.

Do the thing Jeff said.

PERSONALS

If I were blind I d learn how to see

(Only if “the thing” is anal sex)

WANTED: One midget (preferably male) to serve as entertainment/ spokesperson of eager, expanding enterprise. Job duties may include recruitment of opposite gender for social/private gatherings, carrying books/food trays for members, and running around like a crazy, stumpy bastard chasing women and handicapped with wooden sword. 2-3 years experience preferred but not required. Will train if necassary.

Qualifications: Must be no taller than 4 ft., and must enjoy slander and degrading comments. If interested, please contact via The Medium.

So I found a hair in my chicken and broccolli at Brower today. Did i run to schedule a meeting with Dining Services like a pussy? NO! I spat that shit out and went on eating.

Come on, people, nobody's getting hurt. Stop whining and eat your fucking roaches.

(It’s strange, most RU girls drink a gallon of cum a week but when it comes to roaches they spit..hmm) heather, you skank cuntrag, i always knew you were butch but after getting that ugly haircut everyone knows you're a carpet muncher. go fuck dana you slut bitch.

Personal Of The Week: Hey dipshit, you try writing a pissed off letter with a six in your gut and a bowl in your fucking hand, you sack of shit. Print my shit you fucko. It kicks ass and that faggot knows who I am talking about. I am a rutgers student. <insert email addy here> is my info if your anal ass needs it you fuck. Now print my notice or suck my dick (Although I did just print your personal I’ll suck your dick. I didn’t really think this was funny but he deserves some attention for sending his e-mail account in a personal) I think fat people are dragging down our economy... kill the fat ones and feast upon the fiery goo within....

To that whore monger who goes out with Jane from the towers on Livingston, how do you do it?

How do you hug/kiss/fuck her and not think about all the other guys she's been with? I mean c'mon, the girl is a no standards-having stdridden College Ave. house hoe who's been poked more times than a porterhouse steak and slammed more times than a screen door in a hurricane. Her bush is infested with as many species of bugs as a bowl of cereal at Neilson. I should know because she porked me and every other guy in my frat at least once. And don't tell me it's not true because you saw her hook up with some random loser in front of you.

Any desperate guy with no game and a 5th of vodka can get with that trash bag slut you call a girlfriend.

Go see the OrphanSporks at the RSC MPR at 8:00 this Saturday night or I'll kill you.Go see the OrphanSporks at the RSC MPR at 8:00 this Saturday night or I'll kill you.Go see the OrphanSporks at the RSC MPR at 8:00 this Saturday night or I'll kill you.Go see the OrphanSporks at the RSC MPR at 8:00 this Saturday night or I'll kill you.Go see the OrphanSporks at the RSC MPR at 8:00 this Saturday night or I'll kill you.Go see the OrphanSporks at the RSC MPR at 8:00 this Saturday night.

(Orphans, the nation’s largest resource of underage prostitution.) josh, you flaming gay, ass sucking, puerile piece of puerto rican spawn: why don't you get a mind of your own instead of shoving your head up other's peoples asses (i.e. Heather) and leeching onto others like the dirty parasite you are because GET THIS: NO ONE LIKES YOU so why don't you take another semester off you fat worthless dumb fuck or do us all a favor and eat your own plenitude of ass hair and die. By the way happy valentine's day you fag.

(That’s not nice... gay people have feelings too. Wait no, I was thinking of autistic people... wait they don’t have feelings either, shit who was I thinking of?) one plus two is twelve right?

We have a section again next week so...Send your personals to BECKPEOPLE@HOTMAIL.COM Noemi... you are an ugly fucking whore. The entire building hates you not to mention the frat boys who won't even let you in anymore. Next year try not fucking every guy you see, then maybe your dirty twat won't stink up college ave anymore. You're nasty and Dawson fucked you in the ass just because he knows what a dirty whore you are.

(Yes, everyone knows that the cleanest part of a dirty whore is her asshole.)

Cheaper and Easier than buying friends... believe me I know.

i never knew writing personals was so therapeutic (I said the same thing about butt sex) To the mother fuckers on the LX Monday night of the storm. I had to deal with your stupid fucking ass for two hours. First off i dont give two shits about your party in house 11 on the 15 (an open invite to all) i dont care that your fat white ass took Karate, and you can not turn anything into a weapon (but i bet my foot up your ass can do quiet nicely), and to your friend, you are the biggest loser that i have ever had to endure. THE AVERAGE PERSON CAN NOT GET HIGH OFF FOUR HITS, AND YOU CAN NOT SEE THE DEVIL AFTER JUST ONE BOWL AND ONE J!!! You give us tokers a bad name, you cock sucking little bitch. We pot heads take pride in our smoking, and we dont take kindly to those people out there that speak of our shit and dont know what theyre talking about. so keep your cock out of my pothead world, and dont talk so loud in small cramped public places. bitch

If you have gotten the RU Screw and are pissed off and motivated enough to start an organization that protects your interests, and the interests of fellow students against an incompetent administration, send email to rutgers_students_rights@yahoo.com (What is this RU screw that you speak of? Rutgers is the happiest place in the world, who would be upset with such a fine accademic institution?)

To that $0.10 fuckin whore who gave me the parking ticket on Busch last week and got upset at me for not being all smiley and happy upon finding it, eat shit and die you stupid, ugly bitch. ...blah blah i’m too fucking stupid to be able to count to fifty words... fucking prostitutes. I have tons more respect for the people who work at McDonalds than you because at least they don't fuck people over for minimum wage.

What am I complaining about?

Hey, my 20 bucks is going to a worthy cause, scholarships for players on the football and basketball teams.

Do you have no friends or enemies? Do you go through life without anybody caring about you? Would your life be better if your name appeared in the Personals? If so don’t wait for people who don’t know you to write about you. Send a personal in about yourself, nobody will know (Next time my s’Sips doesn’t have but you and everyone will love (I see the devil after just three hits... a straw i’m finding this guy, ripbut i guess my Dad hits harder ping out his urethra and jamming you and think you’re cool. than yours.)

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it into my juice box.)

How many times can I have sex with my roommate before I’m officially “gay”.

(I think it’s 12, but check with someone from a frat, they’d know for sure.)

Send personals to Beckpeople@hotmail.com. Try to keep them around 50 words or less.

Send it from your eden account you dumb shit-faced ass-reaming cum swishing capri pants wearing bitches.

Happy B-Day to Abbie on the 15th to SATAN...aka STACEY....You are the worst painter/teacher in the world. thanks a lot for wasting my time and money. my fucking dog can paint better than your abstract bullshit. go back to teaching 4th grade arts & crafts,wench. BURN IN HELL BITCH!!

(Yes, the fourth grade, where the students are still hot..mmmmm.) to that dumb blonde at lippincott.

STOP TRYING TO BE BETTER THEN EVERYONE!!! YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A SMELLY ANNOYING PIECE OF POO!!

(Poo? It’s called mutherfuckaaaaaaaa)

2/19/01, 11:58 PM

doody

to Roger and Will damn you two look good as shit! When I see you you make my pussy want ya niggas even more. I know your wondering how I know your name but you know you are so fuckin popular so I'm sayin can I jump on those dicks. I'm sick of you making me wet from a distance now I want the full blown shit! I want you two to know that I'm feelin the shit out of both of ya'll so holla ata bitch if you need some new pussy in your life. wanting you two badly I think someone mistakenly took my jacket at Kappa Sigma on Friday Night. Its a black jacket that is green on the inside. If it is in your posessioin please e-mail me at MObedian@eden.rutgers.edu no questions asked. Thanks To that fucking dipshit in my MTh3 Great Ideas class: You think you are so smart but your response to the question was not only filled with inaccuracies and generalizations but it didn't even answer the question! You think you're funny when you tell off that other kid, but we all like him and we think you’re a fucking idiot. Will the kid with the laptop in the front row please put it away? You are not cool for having it there and if you already have a notebook out why do you need a laptop?

What s Shakin

“Can I watch you put your makeup on?”

Wednesday, February 21st, 2001

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Well, it’s less than three months to graduation, 2/21 Dr. Richard Dean, Rutgers Univ. Philosophy Professor and I’ve already got my will be giving a talk on What s Wrong with Jumping on the refrigerator box by Moralistic Bandwagon? the turnpike all Talk will be held in RSC Meeting Room 411ABC from 9-11pm. picked out. On the bright As always, pizza will be provided side I am learning how to as well as tasty carbonated beverages. fight for any of you burley men, or women for that matter, want to fuck with me.

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Come to a Medium Meeting!

Wednesdays @ 9:30 p.m. LSC Room 113

New York, NY 2/21 Alien Ant Farm, Linkin Park, Taproot Roseland 2/21 Jam Yang, Pleasure Dog, Imaginary Bill, Velvet Girls The Elbow Room 2/21 Experiment, American Degenerate, Man & Wife, Delirium Theory, Kurai CBGB s 2/22 Van Ness, Jeremy James, Finotee, Prez, Transcendental Psychology Wetlands 2/23 Organic Grooves, The Levellers Bowery Ballroom 2/23 Perforated Head, Tripsonic, 2, Ernesto, Si Se Arlene Grocery 2/23 Phish, Trey Anastasio Roseland 2/24 Fighting Gravity, Dispatch, Howie Day Irving Plaza 2/24 Sick of it all, Stretch Armstrong, Brothers Past, Fast Times, Strike Anywhere, Shady Groove, Kill your Idols Wetlands 2/25 Mary Lee s Corvette Arlene Grocery 2/27 Rahat Ali Khan, Dafna Naphtali, Geoff Gersh, Benoir with Sauce on the Side, Paul Geluso, Charles Cohen Knitting Factory 2/27 Lords of Acid, DJ Acucrack Irving Plaza 2/27 Hellbenders, Skullfuckers, Eric J. Toast & Tina Dorado, De Poet Continental

12-WS-2-21-01.p65

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Don t adjust your eyes; the chimp is masturbating!!

Everyone should, and I m sure you will after you look at this picture.

2/19/01, 11:55 PM