Thongs! Point Counter Point Page 2
Comedy, the best medicine! Next to sex!
THE DAILY TARGUM ANNOUNCED THEIR NEW EDITORIAL BOARD THIS WEEK.
DOUCHEBAGS.
The Medium OPINIONS
“Where are his panties?...”
Wednesday February 25th, 2004
A Very Special Black History Month...
And now, on a more serious note…
by Aija McKenzie, your Nubian Fantasy...I mean, your Opinions Editress
By Michael Stanley Editor-in-Chief
Here they are, your instant opinions:
Wow, it’s amazing that February is almost over. We should all be getting close to taking midterms, if you’re not already taking them now. I wanted to take this opportunity to discuss a very important issue that has been plaguing the nation for the past few years.
1. Stop getting annoyed over interracial dating. Let Fat (White) Debbie have Black Sam. It’s not like you’d suck his dick for free every day, then give him money and your car to take out the next fat white girl, so let it go. Besides, a lot of them think that just because they’re in college, they’ve gone above and beyond, where The standard Nokia ring-tone, you know the one I’m talking about, it’s no more than just the next logical step for everyone the irritating ring-tone that comes standard with every Nokia cell else. You don’t get congratulations for not having kids phone. Now, as many people should know cell phones now a day or not ending up in jail. Besides, white guys are much come with the ability to change their rings. However, some people more generous with oral. decide not to change them. What you can do now is compose 2. Special thanks to all the people (especially black people) who got all enraged over our “scandal” this your own tune, or download one off the Internet so you can irritate past November and tried to bitch my staff and me out everyone around you with your shitty top 40 pop song ring tone. on the steps of Brower Commons. The volume of your voices was quite proportional to your ignorance on the Don’t get me wrong, ring-tones can be annoying, but there is subject at hand. nothing more annoying then the standard Nokia tone, which for 3. To BET, please stop putting on shows like “College some reason Nokia decided to revamp for their newest phones, Hill,” supposedly an all-Black reality show, to expose Black people acting a goddamn fool for national televimaking it sound more irritating then ever. Anytime I’m in a public sion. Don’t you think UPN is enough? place and I hear the Nokia Tune, my blood starts to boil and butter 4. McDonald’s, your commercials about how “sistas could begin to turn rancid in my mouth, (circa John Minus 2002). just need time for themselves,” are insulting and ridiculous. Sure, my mom needs to unwind sometimes, but it’s not because she needs a Fried Chicken Salad Now, I Michael “What if the truth is that there is no truth from McDonald’s. Mmmm-hmmm, you tell ‘em, girlStanley present you The only thing I can prove is there is no proof friend. with something to Don’t be so sure that your source is correct People believed it before, before they had checked” 5. Chappelle’s Show is God. think about...
I remember the first time I saw a thong on a woman’s ass; I almost came in my pants. I later, came somewhere else. However, it was one of the most wonderful things I had ever seen, and at that point the sexiest. It’s underwear and it covers the woman, and it makes it sexy. Since I first found out about the thong, the world became a better place. If one ignores the “thong song”, the existence of the thong according to me, is flawless, with many more promising, erection causing years to come. Thongs, G-strings, crotchless panties; it’s all fuckin’ amazing. The thong is what makes me an ass man and needs to be recognized for doing everything that it has done for the female sex in making them sexier.
The thong has helped me in many situations where I needed to reach my climax, and others where my durability is needed for fun adventures. Women (read: attractive women) should continue to wear thongs and make their bodies oh so much sexier and more desirable. In this crazy world we live in, we must be able to rely on thongs to keep us happy while remaining under skirts for our sexual pleasures and deviancies. There is nothing sexier then seeing a woman bending over with the eye candy that is a thong, tracing up her backside. I love thongs.
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Panties Briefs Bloomers Knickers Boy-Shorts Hot-Pants Bikinis
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Cover by: Ned Berke
Thongs G-Strings Crotchless What’s Shakin
MEDIUM
CONTENTS
by Aija McKenzie I’ve seen thongs look good on people, like Victoria’s Secret models. The thongs that I’ve seen in real life (and don’t ask where, it’s not time for homoerotic lockerroom stories), not so great. Let’s step out of young Max’s fantasy porno world and examine the downside of thongs. Being “stank”: You ever see a dirty thong in the laundry room? When girls wear a thong all night in the club, where does all that ass sweat go? She’s grinding all night, that thong back grazing her anus over and over? It’s graphic, but it’s real. Being uncomfortable: I can’t rehash enough the feeling of having a constant wedge in one’s asscrack. Oh, and also, WHY do guys feel the need to pull on it? Porn stars are paid to pretend to like that shit, unless you’re giving me money, back off. Thongs, like spandex catsuits, are not for everyone. There’s a certain way that thongs are supposed to fit, so when you have a fucked up shape, like bitches with no-ass-at-all who think it’s cute to have their thongs 4 inches up from their jeans, or when you’re a size 24 and your FUPA hangs out of the front of a thong, it’s not a good look. It’s ultimately up to you to wear whatever “pannies” you want, girls, but I beg you to make your decision based on hygiene and comfort as well as sexiness, not on some horndog guy who will do you no matter what you’re wearing, I promise.
COUNTERPOINT
by Max Cable
Thongs are Like Guns; Disastrous in the wrong hands...
POINT
Thongs: Why I became an Ass Man
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Michael Stanley Ned Berke Dan Migliore Aija McKenzie Jim Cortina Dan Migliore Tristan Ross Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors Brian Brzezinski Ryan Beckman Photographer Tristan Ross What’s Shakin’ Editor Larry Cheng Online Editor Chris Holt Advertising Manager Michael Stanley Staff Artist Pancake Fiend Senior Editor Ryan G. Beckman
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is noon, Sunday. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC - Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903. This issue is dedicated to all the prominent black men in history who married fat white women. Black Power!!
Wednesday Febyoouary 25th, 2004
“Fuck yo couch, nigga!!!”
The Divine White American Plan By Right-Wing Larry (Finally, somebody figured it out - Ops/Ed) Stage 1 Subject the third world in the name of Democracy by using military might, media manipulations, economic manipulations and spy missions. America to become the military and economic centre of the world, control all of the world resources, military might unchallenged. Status: With the death of the Soviet Union and the rest of Eastern Europe reduced to cheap mail order brides, It is safe to say that Stage 1 is Accomplished! Stage 2 Kill off the original non-white population of the third world by means of economic starvation, instigating civil wars with increasing proportion and infectious diseases like super flu and AIDS. Any third world resistance groups are dealt with in the name of fighting terrorism. Status: Mixed results for this plan. First off AIDS is doing a great job in Africa and Asia, but sadly rich people like Magic Johnson are able to fight it off. SARS is a complete failure, but we still managed to introduced a new stereotype to Chinese people and get them profiled at airports. Stage 3 After all the native population in third world countries like China, India, Africa and South and Central America are dead. White Americans and other Western Countries like Australia will be free to kill off its own ethnic minorities - no longer needing them for spying against poor third world countries, signing trade agreements, pacifying the third world and propaganda purposes. The same way they have killed off the Native American Indians and Australian Aborigines through lies, invasions, pacifications and murder, the same way they will kill their ethnic minorities then. The ideologies behind the racist killings can be invented after the uses of ethnic minorities are gone. Status: Still working on it. Right now our government is trying to teach people first to hate Muslims, then Asians (but this is proving to be a problem because they are willing to take shit from everyone), and last the Jews. However, it appears that Black people are not a priority since white people inherently hate them. (I thought white people hated anybody that couldn’t speak English, like Indians and the Japanese...you don’t see masses of Black people taking all the jobs at NASA - Ops/Ed) *Disclaimer: the views expressed here do not reflect the writer’s true moral and political convictions. Instead these views actually reflect those of FOX NEWS, Mr. Ann Coultier, George Bush, Cunnilingus Rice, and Neocons/Fascists in general.*
Tell us what you think about Black History Month at the Medium Meeting, tonight at 9:15PM, LSC 111 AND Sisters are Doin’ it For Themselves! All lovely ladies (and everyone else, too) are encouraged to submit to Opinons@themedium.net for the kick-off issue of Women’s Herstory Month
The Medium EDITORIALS
Does Everyone Love Raymond? by Everyone Loves Brian I took the liberty of looking up the word “Everybody” in the dictionary the other day. Everybody: (pronoun) every one. I find it highly unlikely and improbable that “everybody”- i.e. every single of the six billion human beings on earth- loves this guy Raymond. I doubt most people even know the man i.e. assucker. And “Oh Lovable Raymond,” if everybody loves you then why don’t I? I technically am a part of the embodiment that is everybody and I, do not like you. So, everybody doesn’t love Raymond. Being educated in college, you figure these things out. Bet you didn’t even go! I hate Raymond, because he’s always bragging. “Oh everyone loves me!” Shut up, Raymond! Just shut up! I don’t love you! Always showing off with your eyes. Those eyes always staring, always staring at me. Stop staring at me Raymond! Stop it!
What the Fuck?
By Julius Johnson I, like apparently a lot of other people, went to the Cook Campus Center (some of you went to the RAC) in search of tickets for The Darkness concert that was supposed to be held at the CCC. Oh, weren’t we so excited? But to our naïve surprise we were told “Yeah, The Darkness isn’t performing here. I don’t know why people keep asking that.” Well, I know why. It seems that some people of this venerable paper (feel free to laugh) thought that it would be funny to watch the gullible idiots (don’t worry, I’m one of the gullible idiots) run around looking for tickets to the nonexistent concert. I felt slightly embarrassed and royally pissed. Everyone with a sense of humor and a modicum of intelligence knows that the Medium, for the most part, is not to be taken seriously. But the section entitled ‘What’s Shakin” usually offers reliable information about performances and comedy acts in the tri-state. This reliable record led me to believe that I could trust the information provided by it, but alas I was wrong. I wasn’t just wrong, I was disappointed. I was disappointed that The Medium would do something to trick, embarrass and piss off some of its loyal readers. One of the reasons that I don’t like the Targum is because of their dumbass Mugrat editions. People who like to spread misinformation are assholyic (that’s my word) and deserve a swift and hard kick in the ass. I’ll always continue to read The Medium, but as far as trusting the information doled out in it, I won’t bother. And to those of you who still find this funny, I’ll admit that it was, but you’re all still assholes.
(Young Julius is apparently mistaken...not only was The Darkness at the CCC, they put on a great show, as did the naked contortionists and fire-spitting paraplegics that opened up for them. There were strippers, clowns, and hookers; a good time was had by all! If you missed out, however, we will be putting on a BlowJob Expo 2004, this week at the meeting! Ops/Ed)
The Medium “If there’s no anal sex in heaven, then I’m not going.” NEWS Overuse of AOL Acronyms Results in Death By Brian Dwane Friends of Karen Burling certainly were not LOLing after they heard the news that her boyfriend had strangled Karen to death midsentence yesterday night. Bill Graham, Karen’s murderer said she “pissed him off” because of her incorporation of AOL acronyms into everyday speech. “The occasional “LOL” or “OMG” were annoying, and tolerable. It was when she started to make up acronyms such as “ITPBIAGPDWPS” meaning “I think president Bush is a good president despite what people say” I couldn’t control myself. It had to stop. I hear her sometimes in my sleep. She taunts me. I hear ‘OMG I can’t believe my BF4eva killed me, OMG. I am not LOLing!’ It drives me mad.”
Actions Discovered to Have Consequences By The Yellow Journalist
Friends of Karen were nowhere to be found, but Karen’s relatives noted that it was beginning to become an obsession that was ruining Karen’s relationships and causing strangers to punch her in the face. “We never suspected Karen would get so obsessive over Internet slang. It all started with a harmless “LOL” then she started speaking in intricate puzzles. Then one day I had to IM her back with “YNMDA” meaning “you’re not my daughter anymore,” and I haven’t spoken with her since. I suppose as her mother I’m supposed to lament her death, but I think in the wider scope of things, it’s better.” Karen’s case is not an isolated one. There have been numerous cases of acronym-filled instant messages that have ended in violence and ruined relationships. “I think the main problem with internet lingo is that it just screams “retard,” which causes spouses or friends to rethink their relationships with such a stupid person. It is a natural response to an AOL acronym to want to punch someone in the face.” commented Harvard professor, Carl Harrilson.
Latest Medium Hoax Dubbed “Gayest Ever” By “Pink Eyed” Jim Cortina News Editor New Brunswick – People all over the Rutgers Even former Medium editors claimed that New Brunswick campus have been talking about this was a new low for the staff of the the latest joke that The Medium. “God, what a bunch of Medium has played on the pansies.” quipped former EIC Mike Rutgers community, namely Wyzard, “I mean, in my day we used saying that up-and-coming to have to hand-print each issue of The rock band, The Darkness Medium, and deliver them on was playing a sold out horseback in the snow, now they can’t show at the Cook Campus even get a decent hoax going.” Center. Many opinions “I can’t believe anybody actually have surfaced, but they all fell for this either, I mean, if you looked agree on one thing: this at The Darkness’ website, you would hoax was the gayest hoax have seen that that Thursday they were ever. playing in Norway, and that Saturday “The Darkness?!? they were playing in Sweden. Who Who gives a shit? In order honestly thinks that a band would fly “I believe in a thing called “how for a hoax to work, your from Norway to New Jersey and then many times can you use the same intended victims must stupid joke, anyway?” back to Sweden, all to play a show at actually care about the Rutgers? And why the hell did they hoax. Since nobody actually likes The Darkness, pick the Cook Campus Center? Nothing ever this hoax was obviously a huge flop.” Said Ben happens there, only those dirty hippies know where Yaoming, a Rutgers College senior, “Now when it is, they would only host Phish tribute bands they said that Radiohead would be playing anyway,” remarked Shana Boyle, Douglass junior. Rutgersfest, there was a huge rush to the ticket Medium editors refused comment. office, because people actually like Radiohead.”
Porn Porn Porn!
And Now...
Wednesday February 25th, 2004
Late last night, Rutgers students Robert James and Susan Kim discovered that actions indeed have consequences. Under lab conditions, the pair managed to prove that all actions have an opposite and equal reaction. James and Kim’s proof destroys the belief in relativism that had been dominating college campuses around the world. One of the consequences of this proof is that things finally matter. Relativists all around the world complained that they no longer could write off their actions as inconsequential because “it’s all relative.” Consequently, suicide rates have jumped through the roof. One relativist student was quoted saying “I don’t want to live in a world where actions have meaning” before dying. Curiously enough, relativists were mostly found on college campuses and coffee shops. With fewer customers, Starbucks has been forced to close most of their stores. Perhaps this proof is perhaps a harbinger of good things to come after all.
The End Is Coming By The Yellow Journalist Oil geologists have been saying the end of life as we know it is near. In a few more years, the upcoming energy crisis will result in a massive destabilization of the global economy. When oil supplies can no longer meet demand, oil geologists predict mass starvation, fascist martial law, nuclear warfare, and up to a 90% reduction in world population. Like the Irish potato famine, oil monoculture has left the population with no alternatives. But unlike the Irish, the human population can’t emigrate to America as an escape. Scientists hope to develop technology to live on the red planet, Mars, where they can establish Martian law separate from earth. NASA currently is working to land a man on Mars to do determine whether this is feasible. Still, in a few short years, massive warfare is predicted as a result. When asked about the upcoming war, Livingston student Justin Martinez was quoted saying “See that girl? She’ll survive the war, but be forced to repopulate the earth by herself.” While the girl he pointed to might survive, but it’s looking bleak for the rest of us unless a reliable alternative energy source can be found.
Rutgers Aphrodisiac Poll By The Yellow Journalist In a new poll, loneliness is now the number one aphrodisiac at Rutgers. Closely following are desperation, liquor, marijuana, roofies, and pornography. In previous cultures, sweat, raw oysters, and other silly things were believed to be aphrodisiacs, but today’s fast-paced society demands fast-paced seduction.
www.themedium.net www.pinkeyedjim.com www.rathergood.com www.suckmyass.com
The Medium NEWS
“I don’t know”
Wednesday February 25th, 2004
Haitian Rebels Take Over City; Blow Up ‘Death Star’ By Mike Litoris CAP HAITIEN, Haiti – This Sunday Haitian rebels cheered in victory as they seized control over the city of Cap Haitien, burning down houses and businesses owned by supporters of the Haitian President Jean-Bertrand Aristide. The rebels also successfully destroyed the military mega-base known only as ‘Death Star’. The victories mark a tremendous escalation in the country’s heated crisis. The rebels, a ragtag force of various anti-Aristide gangs and militias, have practically taken over the entire northern region of the country. As astounding as this is to experts, their success in destroying the military base ‘Death Star’ was deemed impossible by many. Even more baffling is the fact that one man, with a single proton torpedo, destroyed the base entirely. “Considering the tremendous fire-power of the base, it seemed completely unlikely that a small craft would be a threat. Apparently, the proAristide forces figured giving off that impression would be enough,” said military expert Han Chenowski.
Medium Meeting Tonight @ 9:15 PM LSC 111 Send news articles to news@themedium.net You fucking Nazi. Worst Photoshop Job Ever By Anonymous
Though the builders of the Death Star may have thought that impression was enough, the blueprints of the compound were apparently leaked to Rebel Forces. “Many Bothan spies died to bring us this information,” said an insurgent leader. It became obvious to the insurgents that a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port was a vulnerability. The shaft led directly to the reactor system. A precise hit started a chain reaction that destroyed the station. The target area was approximately two meters wide. “I still can’t believe they left a vulnerability like that,” said Mr. Chenowski. “What jackasses.” The man who made the shot, Luke BertrandSkywalker, is now a decorated hero amongst the rebels. Before the attack on the base many doubted anyone’s ability to make such a shot. “No one believed it was possible. But it’s not impossible. I used to bull’seye womp rats in my T-sixteen back home. They’re not much bigger than two meters.” When asked what a T-sixteen or a womp rat is, Mr. Skywalker shrugged and walked away.
The pro-Aristide forces fled the city in the midst of the attack. Some have set up encampments around the city. Their feelings towards the insurgent’s victories are mixed. “They blew up the Death Star, big whoop!” said one militia man. “But do you really think they’ll stop the entire Haitian Imperial fleet?” Another soldier had this to say, “Man, Emperor… er, President Aristide is going to be pissed about this. I hope he doesn’t use that hand-choke force thingy on me. Every time he thinks someone did something wrong he puts his hand out like he’s choking some invisible person, then he makes us pretend like we’re being choked and pass out. And if you think that’s bad, you should see what he makes us do when he does his crotch-thrust force thingy to us. That’s the worst.” The pro-Aristide forces, also known as the Imperial Haitian Forces, announced plans this morning to rebuild the Death Star.
The Medium, better then the Targum since our existance. We also don’t take $8.25 from you each semester!
Student Discovers New STD; Honors Rutgers University. By The Lego Pirate This past Friday when Jim (Snorkel) Parkersonman awoke at 2:30 PM, he reached down into his briefs for his traditional morning ball scratch. However, after a scratch or two the pain receptors in his brain received one distinct message. That message was: “ouch.” Startled, Jim removed his briefs and stood in view of the bathroom mirror to better study his genitalia. At the tip of his penis Jim could see two painful looking red marks. Upon further inspection Jim realized that these marks had depth and he recognized that they were more then just a flareup of his herpes from freshman year. Overcome with the urge to relieve himself of last nights root beer and Jagermeister concoction -
Jim knelt before the toilet and aimed his throbbing fuck-stick (throbbing not in a good way). Jim screamed out in horror as he witnessed three streams of urine emanating from his penis. Like a multi-barrel super soaker, Jim’s penis blasted urine against the porcelain walls of his toilet and in an effort much akin to running through the rain, Jim pushed on his bladder in hopes of shortening the urination process and thus ending the pain. Jim headed straight to Hurtado Health Center and after a treatment of Bacitracin and milk Jim was informed that his ailment was a new discovery and he would have the privilege of naming the STD. Jim needed only three seconds to name his new infection. In medical textbooks across the country as well as sorority diaries in every public university from here to Oregon, the new STD will be known as The Rutgers Screw.
The Medium GMG
“A bass guitar is like a woman. I’ts big and fat and likes to be slapped” Wednesday February 25th, 2004
Tales of a Neo-Hippie. Shut up, you’re the one who smells. Ok, so this is two days after New Years Eve. We (me and 4 other kids, each with $80 each) had all seen the New Years Eve show (a jam band you probably haven’t heard of) and had rested the next day in prep for the rest of the tour. Two shows in Philly and the last show in Washington D.C. My friend Mike was the one driving, he’d been drinking but everyone else in the car was on acid, so we figured we were in good hands. We smoked a couple blunts on the way down to Philly from North Jersey, when I had the realization that I didn’t purchase tickets in advance. The first waves of panic set in as I realized I would spend 75 dollars for the three tickets. We get to the show, and meet up with friends. I go buy my ticket and am given a couple chocolates (mushrooms) from a good friend. I eat them both to counter-act the acid. This does not work. The building is twisting to the music, I start to worry about the roof falling down because buildings aren’t meant to move like this. The ceiling collapsed in front of me and it was really disturbing, but the band kept playing, so I figured it was probably in my head. The show ends and me and my friends realize we have no place to sleep tonight. We go to some other kids’ hotel room where there is a Nitrous Tank and like 30 kids with balloons. Smoke some herb and put back a balloon, I saw the radiator melt into a puddle. I would call it a puddle of radiator. Then some kid in front of me passes out and falls into the wall. This freaks me out, as I watch his lips go blue from the nitrous. Got to get out of here. Go outside for a cigarette and some peace, but only met other drunk people being loud outside. Paul and I sit in one of the hotel’s lobby talking about how we need somewhere to sleep, he then reminds me that we haven’t eaten in 8 hours. This does not concern me as much as sleep, so I put it out of mind. Mike is driving again, I think he’s lost ‘cause we just went past the third straight block of boarded up houses. Where are we going anyway? We need to sober up and figure things out. Get to a Motel 6. Park and smoke a few bowls to calm down, just brings trip back on. Mike gets out of the car stumbling and laughing. He shouldn’t have driven. Mike is being difficult, but after much convincing get him to put down his credit card to get the $150 room for 2 nights. Technically it’s his parent’s card. HAHA. Now we have a room, and the hunger is starting to prevail. Continental breakfast isn’t for 4 hours. Can’t afford to buy food, so I’ll wait. Eat breakfast. Lots of breakfast. Enough to be covered until 6pm, when I should be eating more acid. Go to sleep at 9am. Wake up at 4:30pm, starting to get hungry so I buy a packet of ramen and eat it raw. It’s like really filling crackers, you should try it when you’re poor. Money is running low now, but that’s no reason to be sober. Get to the show at like 8pm, eat 7 hits of acid cause it’ll probably take a lot to trip hard after last night. I didn’t need 7 hits. Probably like 4 would have been plenty. I am really confused, but I can just watch the light show and get lost in the music, I think. Wait, I think I saw someone from home. It wasn’t my sister, was it? WHAT THE FUCK? I walk to the back of the crowd to see who it was, but I was just fucked up and my sister was in Maine. On the walk to the front of the theatre I bumped into a fat kid who didn’t seem to mind, as he kept dancing. That was good cause he looked like an angry whale. Who was fat. In fact I would even go as far as to call him a fat angry whale. But he wasn’t really angry. CURRENT MENTAL AND PHYSICAL CONDITIONS -Tripping -Burnt -Down to $29 -I have a cut on my leg, but I don’t know why. Probably from some detail in the last 2 days that I can’t remember. -One more show, 400 more miles of travel. More to come…
Words of wisdom from the night guy at Rutgers Mart: “Dan, you drink too much.”
J-Mart’s Explaination By: J. M. Robbins, Certified K-Mart shopper since 1983 Ok, I’m sure you all read my “article” last week (Sorry, that implies that people actually read The Medium, instead of just looking for things they can take out of context and claim to be racist. –GMG. Ed) which was myself basically copying The Caellian’s top offensive songs and making fun of it (Which also implies that people actually read the Caellian. I didn’t change the formatting of the text, because I don’t consider it a real paper. –GMG ed.). Anyway the reason why I did that was because the song list was really stupid (So is plagiarism. – Guess Who.). I mean going down the list, Bloodhound Gang made number one, honestly Bloodhound Gang seems to be a musical version of The Medium. (Yes, they do kick quite a great deal of ass. –GMG Ed.) Then number two is Prodigy, who’s song’s only lyrics are “Change my pitch up. Smack my bitch up.” Yeah ok, the song with a total of 8 words is offensive, I mean who says “bitch” automatically refers to women? And as for Ludacris...well most rap is really offensive towards women if you think about it, in fact most of their songs with words like “nigga” are offensive to themselves...wait they can say the word if they are black and have it not be offensive, I guess its the “takes one to know one” policy there. (Actually, that’s called hypocrisy. –GMG Ed.) Salt-n-Pepa is just crap, and who the fuck are Frank Zappa (Personally, anyone who’d name their kid Dweezil is cool in my book. –GMG Ed.) and Dan Bern? Because they really dont seem famous enough to be on the top 6 most offensive songs. Anyway I apologize to the women who I offended, even though it was meant as a joke. (My girlfriend’s still pissed about it.)(Then change her pitch up, and smack that bitch up. –GMG Ed.) I must say the Darkness concert kicked ass. (At least we can agree on one thing, JMart. -GMG Ed.) They are actually fans of some of the artists on the list. And also another reason I decided to write again is because the “article” was credited to “M. Robbins.” Where it should have been “J. M. Robbins” but the guy who published the article merely guessed my name from the email address and posted it (May that be a lesson to you all: give me a name, or I make one up for you. –GMG Ed.) I wouldn’t have minded the misspelling of my name much, except my cousin, who happens to be a freshman is really pissed because his name begins with an M and already people are looking at him strangely (I think that’s because of the softball-size goiter on his neck. –GMG Ed.). So yeah being a member of the Rutgers Universe for quite some time I have to look out for the little douche (Ok, so it’s two things we can agree on. –GMG Ed.), so I’m writing to clear his name. I’m sorry, Mike. From now on if I write something it’ll be by J-Mart. I got that name back in high school because I was so poor I could only afford K-Mart clothes, (I wore K-Mart when I was a kid. But, that’s because my parents don’t love me. –GMG Ed.) plus my middle name is Martin so yeah it all fit together. And I hate my first name anyway which is why people usually call me either Marty, J.M., or J-Mart. (What you don’t know is that they also call you pussy, bitch, and All Mighty Lord of the Cocks. –GMG Ed.)So yeah expect more articles from me as the months go by.
Submit a feature to Features@themedium.net oar I’ll be very sad. And you don’t want that, oar do you? Aw hell, just send me an email if you understand this crappy crappy pun. Oar don’t. See if I care.
“80’s Throwback Header: Where’s the beef?”
Wednesday February 25th, 2004
The Medium FEaTUreS
Advice for Prospective Students By Jay Barnes (jaybarnes@yahoo.com)
A Drinking Game and an Explanation
I am currently trying to decide what college to attend this coming fall and I was wondering if you could help me out. Maybe you could tell me the Pros and Cons of attending Rutgers University? Is it a nice place? My friend told me this was a good place to write for this information. Thanks! Tammy Deerfield, Ohio
By: Beerman
Dear Tammy, As far as Colleges go, Rutgers should be, by far, your first choice. As the University Student Housing lottery for new students on College Avenue would have it, if you enroll, you might be lucky enough to end up in one of the College Avenue Riverside Chateaus. Many students have marveled at the fabulous views obtainable only to the lucky inhabitants of these domiciles, from the spacious rooms and the luxuriant amenities to the large bay windows overlooking a beautiful vista that not only includes a park but also the magnificent and unforgettable Raritan River. Getting around Rutgers is a snap due to the recently installed KNIGHTRAIL system, offering lightning fast transportation via Don’t forget the wonmonorail to all 4 campuses 24 hours a derful and exciting day 7 days a week. All monorail football team. You’ll get stations are clean and well lit, and caught up in the Scaralthough there is a bit of crowding at let Fever! peak times there is rarely a time when a seat is unavailable. When it comes to getting important and necessary paperwork matters done, though; you needn’t worry about having to travel very far. Rutgers is currently entering the final stage of a campus-wide campaign that has taken place over the last 3 years to combine all major University Resources into the same location. Whether it be Telephone Services, Transcripts, the Cashiers’ office, Financial Aid, The Registrar, Housing, The ID Card Office or otherwise, you can be sure that you won’t have to travel far or wait long to get whatever it is that you need done quickly, so that you may focus on what is really important — your education. As a new student at the university, you can be certain to be enrolled in the courses you select. Rutgers knows that making new students feel comfortable is extremely important. In order for them to become acclimated to their new environment, the university gives them the first shot at the quickly filled registration rolls. This is just one example of how Rutgers tries to accommodate individual students’ needs. At a lot of other universities, new arrivals feel a bit ‘lost’ in the shuffle of bureaucracy and paperwork — it can all become mighty confusing. At Rutgers, this is simply not the case. Rutgers prides itself on its small classroom size and a large availability of one-on-one “face time” with distinguished faculty. This is why Rutgers University has one of the highest graduation rates in the country! Go Knights!
Okay, folks. I’ve asked nicely. I’ve said please. I’ve even offered you pizza, punch and pie. But you just don’t want to come to a Medium Meeting. Fine. Don’t come. But you wouldn’t want me doing something crazy, would you? And keep in mind, if you don’t do anything to stop this, you’re an accomplice, and just as guilty of baby murder as I will be. So come by, LSC room 111 at 9:15. Or else.
Okay, the game here is Caps. The players sit in a circle. Each player places an open beer in front of them and a cap upside down on the beer. The players take turns throwing a cap at someone else’s beer. If you knock their cap off, they take a drink. If you knock it off twice in one turn, you make up a rule and a consequence for breaking the rule. If you knock it off three times in a turn, the person has to chug the beer. You keep going until you miss and it is the next persons turn. You are not allowed to adjust your cap on the beer. If you touch it you must drink. If you knock your own cap off, you must finish your beer. I decided to make it a simple game this week, because I feel I must explain myself. You see, alot of people have asked me why I haven’t put the rules to Beer Pong in here. And there’s a very simple explanation. Beer Pong is not a game. It is a sport, a way of life. My roommates and I take this sport very seriously. We are Beer Pong fanatics. And over the course of the past 3 years, we’ve been working on a comprehensive set of rules for Beer Pong. This covers everything from standard shots, to bounces, to blocking, and even the infamous 3-cups-at-once shot (where the ball lands in the little triangle thing formed by the rims of 3 cups. And yes, it can happen. And yes, it has happened. I’ve personally done it twice. In one game.) The thing with Beer Pong is, it’s as much of an art form as it is a sport. And I take Beer Pong seriously. Just ask the staff of The Medium. They know. When it comes to Beer Pong, Beerman don’t fuck around. Oh no! So look for a complete rulebook for the wonderful game of Beer Pong coming up on the Medium’s website, www.TheMedium.net. And get ready, because the first annual Rutgers Beer Pong Tournament is coming to a house near you!
The Medium ARTS
“To that hot chick in my MW4 World of ... oh crap, wrong section.”
Article of Interest Mel Gibson’s “Passion” Spoiled By Sunday Mass By The Lego Pirate
Actual Music Review (we’re not kidding!) Liars They Were Wrong, So We Drowned Review by: Jonas S. Lemmingsson, ex-Reykjavik Scenester Extraodinaire After dumping their rhythm section for not being as pretentious as they are, former art students Aaron Hemphill and Angus Andrew put out the follow up to Liars' successful debut. Instead of more rip-offs of Brooklyn-sound bands, such as Les Savy Fav and Interpol, this concept album about the witch hunt is filled with looping electronic sounds that are as torturous as being burnt at the stake. I think the Brooklyn sound is usually awful, but Liars were good at that, at least. They got the catchy beat, the squealing guitars, and incredibly snotty lyrics. I guess this shows that they've truly matured as artists -- by making utterly unlistenable bollocks. Listening to "Steam Rose from the Lifeless Cloak", an entire 2 minutes and 49 seconds of the same repeating drony sounds, definitely makes me feel like my life is being sucked out of me. Track six was good, though. But seriously, Liars, add some fucking guitars and energy into your songs, and leave the inaccessible electronic music to Alien8 instead -- because you suck at it.
The Staff Artist Contributes to Arts! Medium Adventures! By The Pancake Fiend Welcome to the weekly strip known as Medium Adventures! This comic promises to be a gem upon the dick piercing of this fine paper known as The Medium. I was finally able to talk…and blow job my editor into allowing me a weekly comic to present to the faithful readers of The Medium. The Medium Adventures is my feeble attempt to bring a decent action/adventure story, full of…um…action, mystery, romance, and general shananagins to a paper that is notorious for boobies, vulgarity, insults and vibrators…well, not so much vibrators as old fashioned, homegrown cock. So, if you like a story that is one half Lord of the Rings and one half The Odyssey, and one half Lupin the Third…you are obviously a retard because 3 halves make 5/8s of a whole, leaving a whopping 2/7s left for dirty jokes, plot development and deep philosophical nonsense, with a hint of Calvin and Hobbes. So sit back, cuddle up to your loved one, thrust their head between your legs and enjoy what promises to be the finest comic in all of Rutgersdom.
Contribute To Your Arts Section ! Send contributions to arts@themedium.net
Medium Adventures!
Artistic Expresser or Political Transgressor? (yes, expresser is a real word) A Poem By George Bush “The majority of our imports come from outside the country,” they laughed “Is our children getting learning in our schools?” they laugh harder Is a man measured by the things that he says? Or is a man measured by the things he does? You can’t measure either with a ruler, Believe me I’ve tried, I guess the words are the things people hear, Although I try to make my actions louder, By stomping a lot. The only thing that ever helped me get over the mockery, Was the hope that I would one day be, Like superman, Because no one cared about the way he talked, Not matters it, But they make fun of I still.
President Bush smiles for cameras after reading poem; states that the bongo drums were a bit much but he had a good time overall.
^PERSONALS^
Let me first declare that nowhere in this article will I expose the ending to this movie. I do not want to ruin this cinematic experience the same way my priest damaged the inside of my rectum; I mean, damaged my anticipation of this movie inside of his rectory. My mother told me that I had to go to church this past weekend. She gave me a couple reasons for attendance, but the only one that really hit home was free crackers and grape juice. I believe there was also something about eternal damnation in a lake of fire. So after donning an un-ironed pair of slacks and a polo shirt my father lent me before he went fishing that morning, I went off to church with my mom. After a lot of standing up and singing and kneeling down on what I thought were footrests, the priest explained the topic of today’s scripture reading would be the passion of Christ. I was excited because someone had told me once that Jurassic Park was much better after reading Michael Crichton’s book. Intently listening, the entire story of the life of Jesus was explained to me, even the end of the story. I nearly threw my cup of grape juice in the priest’s face for revealing the ending to the passion. I was still undeterred from watching this Mel Gibson movie and later that week, when I paid my $36.75 for my movie ticket and juju beans I walk into theatre 17 with a frown. For most of the movie I felt like I was watching Scream 2 for the third time. Each time Pontius Pilate would come on screen I would yell at Jesus, “No, don’t do it, he’s going to nail you to a cross!” I would throw popcorn at Judas and Thomas but there was no changing the ending, which I wont tell you. My words of encouragement are these. Do go see The Passion. Don’t go to church.
Wednesday February 25th, 2004
I wanted to save the world from evil doers, That would try to blow up the sun, And everyday I worry that someone is going to blow up the sun, And the world is going to be a very dark place, So I have taken the weapons of mass destruction, That have sun-destroying-capabilities, The world is sunny because of me, And I fight the evil-doing terrorists, That are everywhere, In the form of aliens with laser beams and giant apes that would crush our cities, But people still laugh at me. Cuz of the way ol’ Georgy says stuff, I have a speech to give, I have to varnish my stego, Don’t mess with Texas, I guess even super man has his kryptonite
Not So True Movie Reviews (we might be kidding!) The Passion Of The Christ When wild prankster “Jesus” enters the city of Jerusalem, he and a few of his zany buddies decide to trick the town into thinking he’s the son of God. With zany hijinks like switching water to wine, water skiing and peeing in the town’s water supply, Jesus and pals pull off the prank of the millennium. Whether or not Jesus is the son of God, he feels like he’s in heaven when the bootylicious Laker girls want to “make God happy.” It’s not all fun and games when party-pooping Judas enters the mix. How will Jesus convince the Romans that he’s the Son of God and still make to the big party that night without getting BUSTED? Watch this movie to find out. With an all-star cast featuring Pauly Shore, Snoop Dogg, the Olsen twins and Webster, this movie is sure to be the next big blockbuster. (134,023 Dwane points)
The Passion Of The Christ Wow, Jesus has a lot of passion, and alot of stamina! In this new production from Sodom and Gomorrah Videos, Will Hung delivers an outstanding five facials to a bevy of great looking girls. Whether you like dark or light, big or small, you will be pleased with the selection of females in this movie. Jesus accepts them all into his house, and then lays into them like a construction worker on Monday. With two girl on girl scenes including a double ended dildo scene with the two Mary’s, this movie should fulfill every mans fantasy. (436 Lego Pirate points) Movie Review Exchange Rate: 1 Lego Pirate point = 42.7 Dwane points
Wednesday February 25th, 2004
THE
DARKNESS
RULES
“Keep the change, you filthy animal”
1. Personals should be sent to personals@themedium.net (those sent to other addresses, such as president@buttgers.edu may not get printed). 2. Personals should not be too specific. Don’t put people full names, rooms, student numbers, bank accounts, or anything like that. 3. Attached photographs of boobs are always welcome, especially if they are your boobs. 4. Personals MUST be sent from a rutgers.edu address. I have a scorpion, his name is Bubbles. Bubbles and I enjoy time together. Bubbles eats live crickets. I name all the crickets Kenny. (to that asshole who actually brought a scorpion to my room. I can’t believe you did that. He looks super cool under blacklights though, thanks) To that skank ass bitch in the library monday- nice fucking sunglasses. keep them on so no one can see how fucking stupid you look with your crossed eyes. Oh, and by the way, shower, I can smell your crotch rot from the elevator. Go blow a engineering student, they're the only ones who'll take you to all those fuckers on campus, von dutch is a nazi to that hot and sexy man-god i see around campus... I swear i failed precalc b/c of you... daydreamin for your vanilla cream cock and ur baby blue eyes i wonder if u think about diving into a chocolate dream like mysellf if u ever get tired of whyte girls... look for me...in the dark eyes that follow u around This is a shoutout to all those 4th floor bitches in metzger hall. I hope one day u all burn in hell. sincerely metzger 3. (i hope this asshole doesn’t speak for all of you on metger 3. (s)he used the word shoutout. faggot.) What's the best part of having sex with twenty four year olds? There's twenty of them. to the girl with 300 condoms; can I be number 69? We'll go through like three of them. No really, I need at least three on at once, so I don't cum early. To the kid laughing at the kid laughing at his computer at the computer lab. Go sneeze out some sperm
to that homewrecking bitch in katzenbach, with a keg for a stomach, why dont you let someone tap that shit you cum guzzling, frat slut, alcoholic...keep your fucking comments to yourself bitch what do you get when you cross a jew and a nazi.-a cheap fucking asshole TO the girl in my MW7 amer govt class, you are soo fucking hot i want to ram my dick so hard into you it will break your pelvis. break up with that recy fag from CC and Stop chillin with those white mustangular tools. I'll get to the center of your lolly pop with 3 licks. in response to "you wanna talk about texas? well i wanna talk about love!" in last weeks personals, i just want you to know i am from Houston, and i'll show you my longhorn Dear personals editor. Please stop saying that is so september 10th. Its not funny. (i raped your little sister) To that goth chick from the Thomas Suite on Busch. I sang karaoke for you. You need to come say hi sometime. Respond via the personals (i’d rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy goth kid) To those hotties from Katzenbach 1st Floor. We better see you again sometime. (my room, this wednesday, after the medium meeting) highlighter parties rule. get some blacklights, highlighters, and girls. alcohol can help make it a lot more fun. to that guy in my cs111 class who always wears the hat. please be my love. ill pay you. respond through the personals. (and yes hatboy, that was sent from a girl, lucky you) To the kid that kicked a soccer ball through our dorm window this weekend. Nice shot! You hit the other building!
The Medium PERSONALS
To that dickhead in the comp lab on monday night, go fuck This is for all the SAND FIGGERS running around actyourself in the bathroom, or ing like they are black.You under the counter at the info motherfuckers are not desk. It's absolute bullshit that you need this room for a BLACKS, so stop with the trying to rap bullshit. just a few class at 10pm WHEN CLASSES DON'T RUN AT years even months ago you guys where humping camels.if 10PM. I pay $100 for this i see one more indian acting fucking shitty lab and i want black im a stick my foot in ya to use the computers I want, the new computers not some ass, take it out and stick it in your mouth so u can taste your old ones that the keyboards shit and know how much you blow guys stink. (i hate it when the D & D kids take over entire rooms how come nobody talks about so they can jerk each other the olsen twins anymore, off in private) they’re still hot as hell Boobs of the Week. Hooray for Boobs!!! Send your boobs in to personals@themedium.net!!!
To the horrible band that practices in Hegeman every week until 1AM... YOU FUCKING SUCK! Your singer sounds like an asian is killing a cat, and you can't even play three chord songs without fucking up. It's called a DORM room NOT a fucking PRACTICE room. Go find a fucking garage! Your about as entertaining as an aids infected fetus. And to my sister who plastered her boobs all over The Medium last week... YOU WHORE! (ahhh, she did it again just to piss you off big brother. dont worry, you aren’t the only one who jerks off to her)
To the guys at the medium... You're the coolest fukkers i know. I'll send my boobs into the medium anytime... To that football player from last week's personals who is looking for a little fun. My closet is your closet. find me by checking the online personals. Send Personals to personals@themedium.net i hope llamas burn in hell, just like old-man-faced girl who makes them dance in my nightmares. mommy, i can't stop wetting the bed, they're coming after me... me... make them stop... (i hope that makes sense to somebody out there)
To that gorgeous girl in the RSC on Monday night with the green tank top and pretty blue eyes. I want you. I want you soooo badly that I broke up with my girlfriend, just in case something might happen between us. Maybe next I see you, I’ll say hello. (haha, what a pussy. Ten bucks says he never had a girlfriend to break up with. He just ripped his playgirl in half) So I’m still looking for a cuddle buddy or friend. Please instant message me on AIM: bisbers to the gross bacon munching bitch from targum, even though you can't write for shit, you'd think at least you'd know the names of the people you work with, but instead you just fuck shit up like the fat guy at all you can eat night at red lobster. clean the fuck up and get your shit straight
To the girl who now lives on DouglASS who I used to love and used to love me too: Remember when we it seemed like I didnt have enough for you last year? It's cuz I cheated on your ass while you were at home with a lot of hos and even one of friends!!! haha i <3 you ... FUCK YOU
Come to the Medium Meeting Tonight at 9:15 Livingston Student Center Room 111 These girls will be there tonight and so should you. If not more boobs for us!
“life is not a bitch, life is a beautiful woman...”
to the sexy stud of man who i always see at tillett, i know you're gay and that's ok cause i want you in my bed, i have a single, the way you laugh like tigger at the table and how you eat a salad, but most of all how you crunch your frosted flakes makes me dream of your hot body up against mine! come to my professor: you are defi- find me i'm a hermaphadite we nitely one of the gayest fucking can get it done with all sorts of fags I have ever seen. Seri- pleasurable styles! ously, stop being a fucking fag- (i thought i was the only pergot, stop worrying about get- son who got turned on when ting an allergic reaction to the they saw people eating chalk take off your fucking breakfast food. oh man just glove when you write on the don’t let me see you eating board. Too bad you don't have bacon) an allergic reaction to the big word is bond and action, i'm black cock that poundsyour quite fond i'm gunna end this ass nightly... rhyme b4 i fall in a pond don't (i’d like to respond to this but ask just come along what? there is a vagina exposed next to me and i find it hard (that made my heart frown) to concentrate right now) (i’d like to say that this next To all the weird fucker nazi personal is my favorite one lunchladies from Busch to Col- ever) lege Ave. Fuck you all, you are the ones who lick balls. Who you can be ugly on college ave. the hell are you to tell me what and yet hot at the same time the fuck to do with my meals on busch. fuck busch. why is that I'VE ALREADY PAID everyone so fucking ugly? FOR? What the hell do you (it’s true and you know it is care? I could use them all in becuase they sell condoms in one day and feel the poor of bathrooms on all campuses shitty nigeria or perhaps some- but busch.) thing worthwhile like digesting them through my anal canal. manfucker It's my choice you dumb why do people from the mebitches, unless I suppose if I try dium love babies so much? to make someone else digest them through THEIR anal ca- (they never say no) nal, but thats between me and goddamn it, i know what’s goMcCormick. Anyways, I say ing to happen, i’ll finally fucking we rally! And rabble! I think I graduate from this shithole and could die a happy man if I took i’ll find out i’m dying in three over a dining hall in a student months. not in the way that riot. While I limp-dick Jessica every other graduate will be Simpson and Sandra Bullock. dying (internally, because Not necessarily in that order... they’re the new fodder for I think I need to think about this corperations) but because some more. hurtado fucking sucks and
nothing can escape the happy black box of box
those incompetant dicks probably missed out on all the diseases i picked up here so i’ll go to a doctor and he’ll be all like “oh sweet fucking christ” and then he’ll run out and slip a note under the door saying, “you’re dying in a few months... you’re too sick for me to see... please die elsewhere”.
to the girl who eats at tillett with a group of people she doesn't look like she belongs with... are you puerto Rican? also are you on megiente, casue i swear i've seen you before and aye mami!!
personal of the weak I hate you. I used to love you. Now I hate you. That was a cruel *#%$ing joke. How can you tell us, your loyal readers, The Darkness is playing at the Cook Campus Center, when they will not be within 2000 miles of there. I was so excited for a minute. I wanted confirmation so I checked the Rutgers events page. No...nothing there. I check The Darkness' website. Hmmm....they'll be in Denmark on the 12th and then Sweden on the 14th. Now I've got another suicide attempt under my belt. &%#*ers. Kevin (i dunno what your deal was man... you just lost the faith... if you believed you could’ve seen them) so i’ve been to many colleges in my day, and let me tell you, rutgers girls are fucking hot. i’m just looking around and some girl is sucking on a finger making me want to replace it with my cock, some girl just bent over to pick up her backpack and i saw her thong, another girl is under my desk giving me a blowjob. what other university offers this much? (i’m not really sure, but i’m glad that college stopped being about accademic education before i got here)
Wednesday FebRUary 25th,2004
gnorrhea wont even fuck with me i was knee deep in chicks and came out clean as a pee not one std word is being
To my Calc II teacher: Why the fuck did you assign so much homework? Do you like to see college students cry? Do you (what? i think maybe you get off on that kind of shit you have the syphililllilllliilllilis sick fuck? It takes me forever becuase something is eating to do that shit you assign. I got a life you know your brain) (they like watching little bitches cry more than the generic breed of college student... keep it up and don’t forget to fail calc 2 like everyone else... it’s fun, like drugs and jumping off of bridges... all your friends are once i ate an apple and then and they’ll think you’re the there was a worm in it and then loser you are if you don’t... i died and a witch brought me fucking nerd... way to pass) a prince who undied me
To the russian physics TA. I'd love to bang the shit out of you. Since you are a TA and a foreigner, I am willing to trade sex and vodka in return for a better grade. If interested wear a skirt during the next exam.
THE
The Medium PERSONALS
MEDIUM
just like women’s golf... we’re not just for lesbians anymore. Come find out why at this week’s meeting in the Livingston Student Center at 9:15 this and every wednesday in room 111. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch some Marijuana. Jack got high and dropped his fly and said do you wanna? Jill said yes and dropped her dress and then they had some fun. Silly Jill forgot her pill and then they had a son (moral of the story: drugs are only as bad as the rhythm they’re mentioned in....)
to the bad bitch who keeps eyeing my shit in busch dining hall. you are below my stan- To the White Boy who goes by dards. don't look at me beast. Racial stereotypes,We Asians have a higher average IQ than This is to those ass-fucks who (maybe if you flush she won’t even RU Football players. think they run a good website be looking... and maybe if However, the White man thinks when it’s just a rip off a good you put it on a plate she’ll eat that we Asians are deviod of idea and jokes. Slutgers is not it... and maybe if you eat it Creativity and inventive genius. original at all, big fucking deal and shit it out again... it’ll be But think about this, RU Footthat you decided to pay a few come superpoo and nobody ball players are just plain parabucks and register the domain. will ever be able to kill you sitical. They're never had any Chock on a cock (hey man, i feel your pain... because... something) kind of culture other than ruinI want a blow job, I want a just know that the type of to the crazy crackhead bitch ing the culture of others. blow job, I want reverse-cow death you’re talking about who keeps yelling at takeout; won’t be nearly as painful as stop that shit now, you're giv- (it doesn’t take an autistic girl. Shit I want it all baby! the one every other graduate ing me another schizoid animal to be smarter than an Chicken sandwich, Carl! What RU football player. i think will face) embelysm. are you deaf? saying you’re better than Maybe you should try... PANTS RU engineers rock! (never forget, crackheads are them is saying, “hey we’re (rock at sucking... oh i didn’t) natures candy... eat them) barely human”) (Maybe you should get, AIDS!) SUBMIT YOUR SHIT! send all that crap that made you fail out of expos to personals@themedium.net
so when someone asked me ifi had ‘cane’ did they want coke? because i dont’ know massive asscheeks to the boy with long hair who always eats at tillett, the way you eat a vegan cutlet with your left hand turns me on! when you are throwing food at your friends i always get so jealous, you can put food all over my body... and i mean everywhere! (eating food off of people is hot, unless it’s icecream... or steak... and just remember to cut the steak before you put it on someone... those knives cut right through people too)
nothing can escape the evil black box of box
Wednesday February 25th, 2k4
“you only call her a bitch because she won’t let you get that pussy”
Come to this week’s medium meeting and count more corners than a cat can die in. Livingston Student Center room 111 9:15 in the PM
When I said you were bangin' at the concert, I wasn't joking, I really DID want to throw you down on the floor and have my way with you, I still do. Perhaps we could arrange it? (it’s great when people find true love)
This goes out to my best cock suckin bitch M from Clothier. It took me a while to find out who you were but now that I know your name I would just like to thank you. In case you can't remember (you were almost passed out by the way) I just wanted to thank you for wraping your lips around my cock and giving it the loving that it sure needed. You better watch out, one night I might sneak into your room and slip my cock into your ass and give you the most memorable awakening you've ever had...
To Fucking Dick McCormack:Go Fuck Yourself! Only a Nazi like you who takes it up the ass would be stupid enough not to cancel school in the middle of a FUCKING SNOWSTORM. FUCK YOU MAN! Seriously please go and fuck yourself until (someone is going to jail) you die of Herpes. Hmm... I wonder...
to ZFURYZ,you are a homo to the max stop spamming our To the smelly mother fuckers down the hall in Davidson C mailbox! jesus tapdanceing christ (what’s worse than sending shower and open a fucking in a personal to yourself? window i almost puked my nothing, you are a sad sad brians out from the smell....next person.... sad) time it smells like someone ZFURYZ is just as gay as died down there im gonna hunt those race card players! u down n give u a bath in Oust (that’s being a little mean to n set fire to all your possessions gay people don’t you think?) because it bad for peoples hey A you dumb cunt,you al- health! most hit me with your car. next (freshman year i lived in time make sure your dumb davidson d... and in hindsight coked up fucking face looks i’d just like to say “fuck you” both ways before passing a to all the people who threw up on the hallways) stop sign Watch me shake my hips and make you fall in love with me all over again
I know you miss my butt plug of a tail.... Come on man... five dollars and I’ll let you fuck me any way you want.
to that stupid bitch at the rail i see every now and then- you look like someone hit your face with a shovel. choke on a dick and die happily you big slut, i can’t believe you haven’t killed yourself yet. maybe a rutgers bus will take care of it for us
to everyone i’ve ever met at Rutgers- i hate you all, please eat the rotting afterbirth that is festering in some dumpster in back of a hospital so that you may catch some nasty disease and spread it to the rest of the population.
just how long this acid is gonna last
A student in my class tried to get my attention by saying hey white boy. i hate when they do that so i replied "what Medium-Lover" and he reported me to the princable for a hate crime and they suspended me untill they decide if im aloud back into that school or not
To the bastard who gave away the ending to the 6th Sense and Se7en:Here is the spoiler for The Last Samurai: Even with the brave efforts of the Samurais, Tom Cruise gets his ass kicked by the Westerntrained soldiers of the Imperial Army. Sadly all but one of the kermit the frog is just a fucking Samurais are killed, and THE waste of life. if i had ms. piggy... LAST SAMURAI IS TOM i’d love her... i mean you go CRUISE! This is what you get down on her and it’s like spoiler boy! you’re eating bacon Women on Douglass in fact To ms. asian,You must be cannot take back the night, oblivious to not see the injus- because the night belongs to tices that blacks face that you lovers. do not. Being a black male, i (who’d you think they were see it everyday, blah blah blah taking the night back from, But tell me now that in 2004 frat boys and other rapists?) your Asianness isnt something discriminated in and hated To the girl on the A bus that against by everyone around gave me her water when i was you. Honey, just be glad your about to faint from dehydration... THANK YOU! not black. (everyone should be happy (in case the girl reads this... with who they are... and then he really means that he wants just keep fucking people of to fuck you in the center, other races until we’re all the spinning portion of one of the double A busses) same shade)
The Medium PERSONALS
damn... at least i’m not that guy....
To the enlightened peoples in the personals,Whenever I get into a racial debate, the person always says "But Football people and Band people are smarter than the average Whitey." I know the average Band IQ is higher than the higher White IQ, but is that the same for Football? Also, how do you respond when someone says something like this?
so i think that i had sex the other night becuase i woke up and there was a condome wrapper in my garbage can and i was hung over and my hand smelled like condom after i had my wake and shake sesion. so if you had sex with me, let me know (maybe you just put a condom on to jerk off at night when you were wasted so you could wake up and not remember not having sex and think think that maybe you did have sex and then be happy instead of sad.) 2 more and you can choke me with the leash too.
How about I just hump your leg?
to the girls who call themselves "tinsley sluts" you are all so hot and when i see you at parties i just want to get all of you in a room. i like the little midget one a lot, but the one that really gets me going is the mexican! damn you are one fine gurl. i wish all of you would come and dance naked to toxic in my room!
(it’s ok sluts... keep slutting and maybe someone will send you one saying that you’ve contracted vaginitis and that your crust-coveredcum-container is about to fall off... or out... or in... lary said that amy is not an whatever regardless, just be asshole, but she thought he said happy that you’ll die someshe’s not a hasle and then i pre- day... just like your dog did.) tend thatthey got into a digitally Sometimes i like to think animated war and lary was a about how much i want you panda bear and amy was a bird to die... and then other times i and then they showed how like to dream about angry nature can killing you & be by not eating a hugging fishtail. .
(i don’t think anyone reading the personals is enlightened... also you respond by saying “i bit your father’s dick off... now he’s just a fucking punk bitch... you son of 2 bitches”) I would like to thank The Magic Schoolbus, and Bill Nye the Sicence Guy, without which i would have never passed chemistry biology or physics. (don’t forget to thank bears, baby jesus and the packing peanuts that kill you if you eat them... but don’t kill you if other people eat them. space
Son, you know I’m ashamed of you... why would you make noise and remind me that you exist? Now give me the sticks... it’s time to play “Vlad the Impaler”
The Medium
“You know what I haven’t had in a while? Big League Chew.”
WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Did someone say Justin?!? No, I said good Music. Wed, 2/25 - Ziggy Marley, Michael Franti & Spearhead at The Chance, Poughkeepsie, NY Thurs, 2/26 - Ziggy Marley w/ Michael Franti & Spearhead and Beth Hart at Starland Ballroom, Sayreville, NJ Thurs, 2/26 - Elvis Costello and the Brodsky Quartet at Beacon Theatre, New York, NY Fri, 2/27 - Badfish at Harry’s Roadhouse, Asbury Park, NJ Fri, 2/27 - Evanescence at Roseland Ballroom, New York, NY Fri, 2/27 - Lynyrd Skynyrd at Westbury Music Fair, Westbury, NY
Rutgers Electronic Music Club presents: Sat, 2/28, 7pm-12am - Higher Function Party: House, breaks, techno at Red Lion Cafe Sat, 2/28 - God Forbid, Walls of Jericho at The Downtown, Farmingdale, NY Sat, 2/28 - Ginuwine at Beacon Theatre, New York, NY Tue, 3/2 - Sting at Beacon Theatre, New York, NY
Waste of money or waste of money, you decide! A Paris Hilton video review So I was watching porn yesterday and I came across this thing, I’m not sure if you’ve heard of it.... the Paris Hilton sex tape? It was a matter of time before the full version of this shitty night cam porn got out. Turns out, it’s only half night cam porn, and even the color version is horribly bad to watch. Now, with a 10 million dollar pussy (estimated worth of her meat curtains, they’re insured you know) I was hoping that she knew how to use it. So for most of the video, she looks into the camera like a porn star-wannabe and takes it like a champ. In the beginning of the video we see her ready to go out, the new chic of course is completely naked, instead of semi-naked, but she is rudely interrupted from going out by a naked man in her bed. So they have sex and it’s funky in night vision with her eyes glowing and the guy’s dick being neon and all. Then it becomes light again on another night, and they have sex again. Woo, that would so be worth fifty dollars if it didn’t suck. Of course it’s free to download from Direct Connect, so take a look or a jerk and completely agree with me when you are done wiping.
Event of the Week: Stephen Lynch at The Strand Theatre, Lakewood, NJ “If I were gay I would give you my soul..... and if I were gay I would give you my whole...being and if I were gay we would tear the walls..... but I’m not gay so won’t you stop cuppin’ my.....hand...” - If I were Gay by Stephen Lynch
“See this? This is my boomstick! It’s a 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. SMart’s top of the line... It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right, shop smart, shop S-Mart!
Wednesday February 25th, 2004
Other Things to do besides masturbation. Fri, 2/27 to Sat, 2/28 - Otto & George at Bananas Comedy Club Hasbrouck HTS, Hasbrouck HTS, NJ Sat, 02/28 - Lewis Black at Brooks Atkinson Theatre, New York, NY Sat, 02/28 - Jim Breuer at The Downtown, Farmingdale, NY Sat, 02/28 - Stephen Lynch at Strand Theatre, Lakewood, NJ Thurs, 2/26 - New Jersey Film Festival Spring 2004: “Notorious” at Loree Building Sat, 2/28 - DJ Party at LSC Thurs, 2/26 to Sat, 2/28 - Ted Alexandro at Stress Factory, New Brunswick, NJ Thurs, 2/26 to Sun 2/29 - Jim Norton at Caroline’s, Broadway, NY Come to The Medium meeting at LSC Room 111 at 9:15 PM. Don’t know how to get there? Me either. Please send in events to, surprise: events@themedium.net