“Dude, there’s no room for a quote up there”
EDITORIALS EDITORIALS
“Me and my niggas goin Hey hey hey hey hey hey”
Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
THINGS ON MY MIND
Vice President Dick “Ginzu” Cheney says, “Come to a Medium this week include meeting or I’ll slit why don’t people come to the you up a treat!”
Medium meetings, why there are so many people in the CAC this early on Tuesday morning, why I can’t find James Bond DVDs in stores, where will I be going for spring break, when can I place my order from fuckingmachines.com, where I saw that reference to sex with a chicken in an Arthur Danto article, if the CCC and The Medium can now just be friends, whether one day we’ll all have a “poop machine” in our home, what happened to the Surrealist Compliment Generator, if my new Doug Stanhope CD will arrive this week, whether people would want to buy a Medium t-shirt, how to keep the goat from biting me on the neck, when will I be able to wear shorts again, why nobody bothered to read this far, when will the Attack of the Clones trailer be out, or Two Towers, whether I have time to finish watching Sopranos “You mean it’s not season two this week, what I’m going to write my research paper on, why Fran Lawrence’s fingerprints Ash Wednesday anymore?” were all over that dead guy on Cook, why I couldn’t have thought up those eggplant ideas I saw on Iron Chef, whether Philosophy Joe will write another Hilarious Link of the week: http://www.oneangel.net/Cards/moon/9/11.html brilliant article, why Snow’s “Informer” makes less sense once you know the lyrics, why it’s taken me so damn long to make a list of things allegedly on my mind
Throw ya fucking guns up an stop actin Like a Bia! Send opinions to heterofrenzy@yahoo.com punk! Then come to the Medium meeting wednesday night at 9 in LSC 113 on Livingston sucka! Unless you too shook to leave your own campus. Fucking sissy. Unless Your Jayson Williams, then put the fucking gun down and stay the Fuck at Home.
By John W. Minus Fuck New York. Yeah I said it, fuck the New York City Knicks. You know why? Because I have suffered, oh how I have suffered for the Knicks. For 10 years now I have believed in the Knicks, and for ten years they have let me down in one form or another. I have been a staunch Knicks fan as long as I have watched basketball and what do I have to show for it? Broken dreams and wasted opportunities. Yet, all the time I was rooting for the Knicks, there was another team that was close to my heart. A team I had a soft spot for, kinda like the little backward retarded kid who desperately played basketball in gym, but who always got his ass kicked. That team is the New Jersey N e t s .
did. The past few years they started to show some progress, so I got a little bolder with my support. But most of the time it was just pointless…the Knicks were in the playoffs after all. Oh how the tables turn.
The New Jersey Fuckin’ Nets are number one in the East, and it’s a real good look for them. To paraphrase the Rock, “FINALLY, The Nets ARE GOING TO THE PLAY-OFFS.” And I could not be happier. What about the Knicks you say? Calling me a frontrunner aren’t you? Well guess what? You can take the cock out of your mouth now Pillow-Biters, cuz I still like the Knicks too. I have earned the right, through my suffering, to badmouth the Knicks. They are in Last place. LAST PLACE! And that is definitely not a good look for them, Losers. The Nets are getting real Fuckin Serious right Yeah the Nets. I will rep now, and the Knicks are lookin sloppy. Jersey till they put me in a They better shape up real fast, or the box, believe that. I support Nets are gonna be the big show in the all Jersey teams…The Nets, East. Not NYC, and damn sure not Philly. Devils, Giants and Jets. The Don’t even get me started on them Who thing is, the Nets sucked major let Philly think they mattered? Fuckin’ donkey cock for pretty much my entire life. That makes Iverson…let’s see them in the playoffs…Right down the Turnpike. it very, very hard to support your team…in public anyway. This is the Nets year, so let’s all get together and support our So I was a closet Nets fan. I would tell anyone who Jersey Boys…and hope the Lakers don’t squash them in the Finals. asked that I was a Nets fan, and I always wished and hoped fervently for them to win, but they just never
B O O T Y ! B O O T Y ! are
on
the
cover,
ass!
which one is Daddy?
and which one is Grandma?
New Cover Concept by: O to the L to the E-G. Z!
MEDIUM
CONTENTS
THE fnord
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Michael Wyzard Mike Ryan Jessica Chandra John Minus Ryan Beckman Martin Babitz Amy Groark Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Staff Photographer Senior Editor
Carol Hu Ritch Boblenz Aija McKenzie Ian DeLorey Jessica Chandra Oleg Zeylikovich Elizabeth Finelli John Q. Minus
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to wyz@eden.rutgers.edu. Our phone number used to be (732) 373-7085.
Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
OPINIONS OPINIONS
“ Toothbrush shanks and rusty guns”
RANDOM BITCHING DEPARTMENT 1-800-Shut the Fuck Up: Holy War Against CarrotTop. by Pete Bondurant If you’re like me, you spend your days smoking marijuana, sleeping in class, and watching reruns of Saturday Night Live. Such a beautiful life. A few days ago, my stoned bliss was interrupted by a motherfucker obviously sent by Satan to torture you and me. How bout those 1-800 call this shit and save money commercials? Lately, they have been calling out the big acting guns, such as Urkel bitch Carl Winslow and well- known child molester David Arquette. Well, maybe not well known. Yeah, everyone likes those commercials. Well, a few days ago I saw one that nearly drove me mad. I saw the no talent cocksucker CarrotTop. You know, the red-haired freak that whores himself out for one night on Leno every month. Maybe you’ve seen his movie, Chairman of the Board? You haven’t? Well no one else did either, because this is America, and we don’t like to torture ourselves by watching grandstanding faggots, except for David Hasselholf. So this mutant is on a horse making jokes and telling me to call some bullshit number. Great job, everyone loves him, lets put him on a horse and make stupid jokes. Note to anyone taking English at Rutgers, this is your writing competition in the entertainment world. We like Urkel, we don’t like no talent faggots. You know what the sad part of the whole situation is? Himself. Look at him, his career choices in life were either a “comic” named CarrotTop or a circus freak named Firehead. Just imagine dinners at the CarrotTop house, with the parents crying inside as they looked at their horseface freak of a son. AND THEY PUT HIM ON COMMERCIALS TO SELL THINGS! What was the meeting like at the ad agency, with all those NYU hotshots with their diplomas. Who do we need to sell our products? Did they purposely check out who was the least popular and successful? God CarrotTop, you suck. Take the money that all the stupid fucks in the entertainment business gave you, chop your hair and face off, and live like a hermit. Fuck tha police and tha corporate state. CAPTAIN HETERO’S BLACK HISTORY MONTH SUPERHERO BONANZA BLOWOUT! Hello Rutgers mothafuckas! This is Captain Hetero again, leading you all on a little tour of famous Black superheroes. I, being a Black superhero, but not famous yet, (I’ll admit it) will be your host on a showcase of great Black Superheroes that you may or may not know. Today we showcase five stars from around the Comic Book world. So sit back and enjoy, because I’m gonna tell a story to you, and maybe you’ll learn a thing or two. What we have here is the only Black Green Lantern around, John Stewart. No, not the Daily Show John Stewart. He had one of the rockier tenures as Green Lantern, allowing a planet to blow up and eventually being crippled. Guess they think a Black man can’t keep ANY job huh? Well, at least they put him in the cartoon, and he kicks 5 flavors of ass there. The New Kid on the block is Static Shock.Well, he isn’t exactly new, he’s been around since 1993, but his cartoon is relatively new...ok it’s been on for a couple seasons now. Fuck you. Anyway, he’s a kid who got the power of mastery over electricity in a mysterious Big Bang that happened in his city. This Big Bang gave powers to some, and not others. The greatest thing about Static is that it portrays an upper middle class black family that actually has a mother AND a father. How’s that for progress? Ororo Munroe is just about the hottest female hero you will ever come across. And I’m not talking about Halle Berry...how the fuck did she get to play an African Princess like Storm? That bitch is whiter than Jennifer Love Hewitt. Anyway, Storm can control the weather, which means she can ram a Tornado up your ass if you piss her off. My kind of woman.
Ahhh, Spawn. Didn’t know he was black, did you? Yup, before he got toasted and sent to Hell, (poor bastard), he was a Black Covert Ops specialist named Al Simmons. He was a bad-ass who killed anyone, women, children, didn’t matter. The Devil was so impressed with his evil that he sent Al back to Earth as General to Hell’s Army. But Al doesn’t want to War against Heaven, he just wants to be back with his wife. Spawn is something of an anti-hero, but he’s cool all the same.
And then we have Blade. You all know Blade right? Half man, half-vampire, played by Wesley Snipes? One great fucking movie right? True, but I’ll bet you ass-clowns didn’t know that he started out in good old Marvel Comics back in 1973. Yup, he’s older than most of you people reading this, including me. Because he knows his mother is dead because of vampires, he hates them and hunts them with a passion that borders on obsession. He’s damn good at what he does though, and he looks good doing it...just like me! That’s it for this moth, but you guys just wait...one day I’ll be up among these big name stars as the greatest Black Superhero ever...hell, the greatest Superhero ever period.
News
“I’m gonna kick your ass just like Jesus would have.”
TIPS TO HELP YOU STOP SMOKING By Sushma Trivedi
Wednesday, February 27th 2002
The Flick Heard ‘Round the World: “We Know Where Boogies Go” by Ryan Beckman
Earth-Millions of people become addicted to cigarettes and tobacco each year and even more die each year of tobacco related deaths. If you’re like everyone else and are addicted to smoking but don’t want to be, here are some tips to help you kick the habit:
Omelas- For years people have been trying to answer the question, “Where do boogies go when you flick them?”. Well scientists have finally developed cameras quick enough to record the path these 1) Avoid doing things that you would normally associate with smoking, such snot bombs travel. Apparently when as drinking, eating, walking, and being awake. combined with high velocities the mucusy gooness contained in the “boogy” opens 2) Get yourself thrown in jail, where cigarettes can only be acquired in exup a wormhole to another world... this is change for painful sexual favors. Little Jimmy takes one for the the land called Omelas. team... god bless you. 3) Lobby your local representative to pass a $6,996 sales tax on packs of The physicists studying the boogy project cigarettes. noted that the projectile vanished at some point mid-arch every time. Since the highly developed cameras were unable to follow the mucus into another world 4) Write a rap song about how smoking is not cool. Perform it at elementary Scientists were forced to cover a small orphan boy named Jimmy with snot. “It schools throughout the country. was difficult at first...,” one of “we all jerked the scientists remarked, out of mucus and we 5) Move to a place like Singapore, where you’ll get beaten senseless with a “we all got colds but we ran off onto that if snot dries it won’t be needed to get more quick... cane for even thinking about smoking up. poor orphan Jenkins (another scientist) transported.... That’s when boy for sci- some of the same fluids 6) Avoid thinking about the rich full flavor of a pack of illegally imported remembered that cum has Cuban cigars. that boogies have... so we all jerked off onto that poor ence” orphan boy... for science. Once the orphan boy was sufficiently covered we 7) Fill your dorm room with motivational slogans, such as “Smoking is for threw him out of a plane... without a parachute of course... we are on a budget.” Pussies” and “Only a Fucking Retard Would Ever Think about Smoking.” It turned out that the ejaculate wasn’t a good substitute and poor Jimmy fell 8) Kissing a smoker is like kissing an ashtray. If a loved one stops smoking, thousands of feet to his death. Tests with subsequent orphans (just boogie, no cum) showed that the wormhole leads to a fiery world where the children were keep an ashtray around for a substitute. burned slowly, drown in mucus,while being touched in all the wrong places. 9) Attractive people smoke because it makes them look cool. Acknowledge Plans are being made to send Earth’s remaining orphans to this planet nickthe fact that you are neither attractive nor cool. named “Michael Jackson’s home” since nobody loves them and the world would be better off without them. 10) Cover yourself in egg whites and walk around naked. The scientific explanation on why this always works has not yet been released. NB to Decorate George S t. Trees with Human Corpses 11) Join a stop-smoking support group. Be sure it’s one that meets on a City Council Votes to Honor Black History Month, Public Suicide different night than your six other support groups. By Jim Conroy, field correspondent 12) Hypnotism has helped many people quit, but you risk becoming the New Brunswick—In a move that has DevCo hypnotist’s slave. It’s your choice: quitting smoking or freedom. chairholders shouting “Splendid!” the New Brunswick City Council voted 12-4 in favor of 13) Teach yourself a valuable life lesson by slowly dieing of lung cancer. decorating all of the remaining trees along George St. with hanging corpses, in honor of Black History Month as well as the wonders of suicide in a public place.
Do you want to find a place where all the feminists give good head? Then come to a Medium meeting tonight in room 113 in the Livingston Student Center...
But the move is not without its detractors, including Peoples Campain member Awilda Royston “We all know that these people are using the end Black History Month as an excuse, Oh how I wish someone considering 11 of the 17 Board members are would place a paper bag card carrying Klan members. They want to use over my face and punch the accepted concept of decorating a tree with a me in the genitals. decaying corpse as a way of disposing of the city’s nearly 5,000 displaced African-American citizens. I have no problem with celebrating public suicide, but come on man, pretending to honor us when you just want to kill us… shady.” Mayor Jim Cahill disagrees: “Sure there are some that think that we are just using our beautification of the city to fill an alternative agenda, but didn’t they say that about Hitler’s relocation of the Jews? I-<Interrupted by an aide whispering in his ear> Oh right, I think what people have forgotten about in this whole mess is that in these troubled times, this act is a celebration of freedom! We need to come together as Americans and show Osama bin Laden that we can organize to make our cities better then they ever were before! Georgians are no strangers to decorating a landscape with cadavers and we- <Interrupted by 8 standing ovations> Instead of the things that divide us, shouldn’t we get together around the things that we are all for? You know… like public suicide!”
If you’re a woman don’t forget to bring cake and/ or cookies... and no cover if you show us your tits!
The Mayor was interrupted by 14 more standing ovations, and a resounding chant of “PUB-LIC SU-I-CIDE!” repeated over and over. The “Darkie Recycling Plan” as it is being called in it’s current stages, is to begin in late February, and have every tree in city limits covered in corpses by Holy Easter.
News
“Lick my hole.”
Wednesday, February 27th 2002
Listerine PocketPaks or LSD Stamp Sheets?
The search for a new university president
By Carol Hu
You think you’re better than me? Fuck you-Pocket Pal
MORRIS PLAINS, N.J.—The newly introduced mint by Pfizer, a stamp-size container that dispenses strips that look like green tape and dissolve on the tongue, has become a fashion statement amongst the pop-cultural generation. Our need to preserve minty freshness has become a crucial industry to companies like Dentyne and even Kate Spade and Victoria’s Secret, selling lipstick-shaped mints.
“The biggest trend today is breath freshening,” said Susan Fussell, a spokesperson for the National Confectioners Association. “You’re seeing a proliferation, especially in the last year and a half, in anything that is going to make your breath minty, minty, fresh. Everyone is rushing to get something out.” The mint craze, PocketPaks has been surveyed and discovered to have a relationship with an oral fixation and sensation. Evidently, the thin-stripped breath freshener also resembles the drug LSD (lysergic acid diethylamide). The drug, LSD is sold in solid form, on sugar cubes, in thin squares of gelatin, and most commonly and also related to the mints, as blotter paper with colorful designs or artwork on a one quarter inch square. David A. Shore, a Harvard marketing professor claims that the PocketPaks could have been a huge failure, but since they modeled the mint after a popular hallucinogen, consumers can trust this development of mystique and level of comfort at the same time. Unfortunately, since most LSD manufacturing is believed to take place in Northern California, U.S.A. the PocketPaks aren’t as popular in France. “The French think we’re foolish,” says Dr. Richard W. D’Souza, the vice-president for oral health care of Pfizer.
THE
Upon its origin, Pfizer’s group marketing director of oral care, Wes Pringle, supervised the design of the package. Mr. Pringle considered this particularly important. The design had to be discreet, portable, and extremely small to distinguish it from other products on the market. This is also similar to LSD – users of LSD and other drugs need for it to be compact and easy to pack away for travel. The design of PocketPaks mints and packaging is only genius to the creators of drugs and only a loan to scientists at Pfizer.
MEDI UM
Medium Article Rips Off The Onion
By: Michael Stanley If you haven’t been in a hole for the past month or so, you should be aware that Fran Lawrence the president to this fine university, has said he’s gone as soon as a replacement has been found. What you may not know about is how administration is attempting to find a new president. Attempts to promote someone here to president had been seen unsuccessful, so the admins took a rather new and unusual approach. You can take my boogie... but you Rutgers University took a sports can never take my approach to finding a new “leader” Conversasian if you could call our president our leader. Rutgers University approached several other New Jersey Colleges asking their presidents if they had any interest in becoming our new president. The presidents of Rowan, Princeton, Seton Hall, and The College of NJ were all approached and offered contracts ranging from $1.2 million for 4 years to $3.9 million for 9 years. It seems that the administration had been influenced in how sports teams will make offers to steal coaches from their teams with the prospect of high salaries. The administration also offered to trade busses, clubs, and believe it or not, the RU Hungry grease truck. Princeton, Seton Hall and TNCJ all declined the offers calling them “ridiculous from a school of Rutgers reverence”, “are they fucking serious?” and “yeah, it was ok for the Tampa Bay Bucs to get a coach like that, but not a University!” Meanwhile, Rowan University is considering the offer but is asking for the Conversasian, Mr. C’s grease truck, and Clifford the ex-bus driver of the EE. The University hopes to hear from Rowan some time in the following week.
“Say it ain’t so, Troy! Say it ain’t so!”
“I don’t understand why this is happening,” Boblenz said, “But maybe that’s because I’m a stupid fucking personals editor.”
mind-melded my computer! I can’t write what I want! GiantSchlong5: maybe if you suck my cock, things will get better for you FartyPants00: can’t argue with that, I’ll be over in a few Many Rutgers students claim that this happening is just a cheap excuse in order for Medium writers to continue to steal ideas and articles from The Onion. “I hate those assholes,” said Guy Patrick, creator of Daily Targum comic strip, Mattia. “Those hacks only wish that their shitty rag of a paper could be as witty, thought-provoking, and hilarious as my art.”
The Medium has been stealing ideas The Medium will continue to try and from The Onion for years now, but waste their time filling pages of material so that the Rutgers commuthis is the first instance in which technology and logic were defied in nity can glance over the headlines and occasionally laugh, no matter the process. Boblenz quickly how painstaking the process. To lamented his problems in a frantic instant message sent to news editor read more articles that in one way or another appear in the Medium, Ryan Beckman: visit www.theonion.com. FartyPants00: the onion has
Jim Conroy Ritch “homosexual icon” Boblenz, Michael “Stan the Man” Stanley, Carol “Chippy” Hu, George Baxter Sushma “Insert Comical Name” Trivedi
Panic seized Rutgers University right now when Ritch Boblenz, Livingston fuck-up, began to write a “hilarious” news article for The Medium and inadvertently stole ideas from satirical newspaper publication The Onion. Boblenz attempted to create an article that was one hundred percent original as well as funny, but headlines such as “Drugs Win Drug War” and “Americans Would Be Enraged If They Understood Enron Collapse” appeared on screen no matter what was typed.
Your name could be in the unbox of shame too just send News articles to CuteBoyAss@hotmail.com
News Columnists:
Jim Conroy Ritch “homosexual icon” Boblenz, Michael “Stan the Man” Stanley, Carol “Chippy” Hu, George Baxter Sushma “Insert Comical Name” Trivedi
by Ritch Boblenz
Ritch “homosexual icon” Boblenz, Michael “Stan the Man” Stanley, Carol “Chippy” Hu, George Baxter Sushma “Insert Comical Name” Trivedi, and Jim Conroy
POLICE BLOTTER • A cat was let loose in Brower Dining hall on Tuesday, animal control did not respond so police had to enter the building and shoot the • Two guys did animal. The dead cat some stuff and then things was then served for the happened because of it... specialty lunch for the Chinese new year. bad things • An aborted fetus crawled out of the Beck Hall women’s bathroom and beat a student to death
• Two Irish guys got really drunk and fucked up the Russian maria... in a related incident a cop in drag kicked someone in the nuts. -Ryan Beckman (The above info was provided by....)
GMG
“See Sorority Boys... bound to be worse crap than Bring it On, if possible”
Give Me Terrorism Osama Ben Schactman It is over. The teary-eyed, staple-a-flag-to-everything-you-own, postpartum depression is over. Finally. It’s okay, finally, to sneak in just the tiniest September 11 th joke, here and there, its cropping up on primetime, humorous publications, and at cocktail parties. Although we still cannot quite say it. We say, “the WTC incident” or the “9-11” incident, as if the ironic coincidence was nearly biblical in significance. The attack on “the homeland.” Now we can turn to the task at hand, unmasking the heartless bastards who took advantage of their fellow Americans in those tragic days, rebuilding our economy, our pride, our nation. We can get back to making fun of the President. We can stop opening our mail with gas masks on. In short, we can go back to being lazy, blissfully ignorant Americans. The shuddering spasm of world-consciousness is over. But what were we so fired up about? As the death toll slowly dropped from its exaggerated heights, we realized, not as many people died. People complained as we scaled back those big black numbers on headlines, as if we were removing the significance, mortality by mortality from the day. For simplicity, simple and cold hearted, lets put the death toll at three thousand. That’s less than the five thousand four hundred and eighty nine lonely old senior citizens who killed themselves in 1999. That’s less than the fourteen thousand who died from AIDS. That’s less than the fifty thousand who died in sweatshops in south-east Asia. In fact, over the last ten years, more people have been killed by toasters than terrorists. Last year tobacco caused 400,000 deaths. That’s more than a hundred times the terrorist death toll. It cost U.S. taxpayers over fifty billion dollars in Medicaid and Medicare to directly fight cigarette related medical problems. That’s more than even the most unfrugal Republican congress could amass to fight the “axis-of-evil.” In fact, given the choice, I’d take fundamentalist Islamic terrorists over Phillip Morris, every day. While George Bush stood on national television and proclaimed this tragedy of national importance, created a new cabinet office, and bent the Constitution around his turgid phallic will, Phillip Morris raked in more on cigarette sales, in one year, than the terrorist caused in total financial damage to the United States ever. The total U.S. citizen death toll from terrorist attacks sits around 10,000. The total Phillip Morris death toll stands in the millions. Anyday, I’d take Osama Bin Laden over Phillip Morris. First of all, the terrorists are honest. They admit, right up front, they want to topple the United States, from Madison Avenue to Sunset Boulevard, they want ashes to rain down. They tell you right up front. Phillip Morris claims not to know cigarettes were cancer causing. They claim not know that nicotine was more addictive than heroin, something that has been known in psychopharmacology for decades. They claim to not even know why they were steadily increasing the amount of nicotine. Certifiably, front to back, bullshit. Second of all, the terrorists won’t charge you a fucking dime. They paid their own way, bought their own fake passports, box-cutters and shoe-bombs. Phillip Morris and his bedfellows not only kill forty times more Americans every year than terrorists have ever killed, but he makes an extremely good living at it. Third of all, think of the cuisine. Islam offers us a healthy sober diet of vegetables, couscous, and lean camel meat. Phillip Morris offers us a high-starch, high-fat diet of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, shitty second-rate pilsner beers whose brand names aren’t even worth mentioning, and of course the aforementioned cancer sticks. So go ahead, smoke your cigarettes. You’ll get your buzz, you’ll look cool, and I’ll probably bum one off of you. But just remember, to anyone who can count, you’re a more efficient terrorists than ten Osama Bin Ladens. Of course, the American public has the memory of a fucking Goldfish. If it isn’t a motherfucking Boeing 747 flying into the nation’s largest twin skyscrapers, then we don’t even fucking blink. We are stupid, complacent smug fuckers. We are goddamn teary-eyed flag waving imbeciles. Terrorism? Terrorism? We trained these people to fight the Russians, then fucked them over when the Russians weren’t worth fighting. Just like we did in Iran. Just like we did in Iraq. Ronald Reagan built the Axis of Evil. He sent them missiles, he sent them operatives, and he sent them money. Hundreds and thousands of John Walkers fought Iran alongside Iraq, then switched sides to fight Iraq alongside Iran. The FBI defines Terrorism as “ the unlawful use of force or violence against persons or property to intimidate or coerce a government, the civilian population, or any segment thereof, in furtherance of political or social objectives.” What the fuck were we doing in the Middle-East? What the fuck were we doing in South America? Vietnam? What was Wounded Knee? What was the Bay of Pigs? How do we watch these hypocritical genocidal sycophants on television giving us the state of the union without retching? Who has the spine to say, “we brought this upon ourselves,” to anyone but him oranyone but him or herself in the most terrifyingly
embarrassed of internal monologs? For every American life ended by a terrorist, there are thousands of others who have died because Americans decided that someone else’s way of life was wrong. (Continued in next column, idiots-Ed)
And now... ...tits.
For more, come to a Medium meeting! The usual time and place: 9 pm, Livingston Student Center, room 113. See us meet our bitter, ironic ends.
Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
“No,” you say, “it was someone else. It was a politician, it was a soldier, it was a different time and a different generation.” Fuck you. You lazy smug fuck. It was your politician. It was your solider. It is your generation. Fess up, you fucking slackers. Fess up, you fucking bastards. Fess up. I will. I am a complacent, ignorant member of the world-ruling class. Oppression, tyranny, disease and death from the Sudan to the South Bronx is mine. And yours too. I killed every single fucking man, woman and child in the World Trade Center and I’m glad I did. Because maybe, just maybe, now you stupid hypocritical bastards will finally, finally wake up, fess up, and stand up. Finally. So give me a pint of Guinness for the Sinn Fein, give me a line of coke for Columbia, give me a big fat fucking blunt for Cuba and lace it with that sweet, sweet oily opium for Afghanistan. Give me terrorism, because things are going to change, one way or another, and this shit is going down, one way or another, so give me terrorism. Give it to me with full additional supplementary online commentary from MSNBC and maybe someone will get the point. Give me terrorism.
And now for something completely different...
5 Fun Things to Do on a Rutgers Bus By Jess and Laurel 1. Fake a seizure 2. Pet the head of the person in front of you. If they turn around, pretend you didn’t do it. When they turn back around, continue. 3. Turn your ringer volume all the way up, and cycle through all of the rings. 4. Pick your nose and wipe it on the person next to you. 5. Sit next to the bus driver, look really confused, and ask where you are. Repeat every 30 seconds.
Why is this picture in the bottom of Rodney Dangerfield’s underwear drawer? Find out in next week’s Medium!!! ly Bil s. e s u re eca eatu u. b , .ed nt es mF s r r e se atu Ia utg Billy Fe sso! r o . t : it ay at en m ff bm shs me ed ll ‘e 1 o ! Su eFi itto tz@ ou te get $ bar th bm abi I f y ou alad ,y s Su mb ya t the a
Hey hey, readers!!! This editorial was written last week for the EiC’s box, but mysteriously and despite my taunts of “You too pussy, pussy-boy?”, he refused to put it in there, instead putting in some extra Fran Lawrence pictures. Sort of strange behavior, but again, its what we’ve come to expect from him. Enjoy, but I myself wash my hands of it.
An Editorial by Troy Crowder As told to Martin Babitz
Clam Crowder!!!! ...ZING!!!
Some of our more astute readers may have noticed a certain theme in the Medium lately, a focus on homoerotic themes and gestures. This is no accident, as I myself am a massive homosexual. Often, editors have misgivings about how “funny” or “pertinent” many of these references are, and I tell them, “You shut the fuck up, as I am the boss, and you will do what I say.” They have little else to reply with, since the staff is predominantly scrawny physiqued, and probably has a combined weight of 200 pounds soaking wet. But I digress; my agenda shall be delayed by no judgment of taste or class, conscience or space. Often, I force the Personals editors to delete those that fail to mention hot man-sex, or fraternity fellatio in the showers. Anything else, I say does not fit the Medium’s niche, and are to be considered garbage. Usually this area is reserved for political argument, or assessment of direction for our fair magazine. This, of course shall not be changed by the fact that I am a filthy pervert, but it will contain from now on some of the most gut-wrenching anal penetrations anyone has ever seen. Except for me of course, as I have seen most everything in my years as a “pink lady” in various Philippine cargo haulers. So, reader, if you are naïve, prepare to have your skull ripped wide open, and a steaming sticky load of my perversion poured inside. I thank you for your continued readership, and would like to remind you again that I am a sick demented gimpish monster, who feeds on rotten human flesh that I find in fresh graves. Enjoy the paper.
Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
“Hello there my special man, who wants ice cream???”
A Day in the Life of a Medium Personals Editor
Poopie.
From the oh..... fucking ... wow... dept:
The Lord of the Potency Ring
By Cocksucker A Fantasy Masterpiece by Sir Brian Williams Hi loyal readers. I’m one of your trusty personals editors here on the staff of the Medium. I’m the one responsible for all those semi-humorous comments that follow those horribly racist personals submitted every week. (ei: To that jizztacular Puerto Rican girl in my Expos MW2 class. I want to rape your tight virgin pussy so bad/ I didn’t know you took expos with my mom. Hope you don’t catch syphilis.) Damn, I’m mildly amusing! I bet you’re wondering how I honed my razor sharp wit. Well, let me just guide you through one of my average days and you’ll soon see for yourself. First, I wake up in my sad little Livingston dorm room. I try to rise by at least seven in the morning so I can work in a couple of hour’s worth of masturbation. Ever since I hit puberty last month, all I’ve ever felt like doing is wax my disturbingly underdeveloped weasel. Sure it may not be big, but it’s handy. I mean, hell, I don’t even have to use both hands! I bet everyone wishes they had a partially deformed pencil dick like mine. (I wonder if anyone else has to fantasize about Josh Hartnett in order to finally ejaculate?) After my thorough monkey spanking session, it’s off to the showers where I sob like a pathetic bitch for the next 15-20 minutes. Then, its time for me to go get breakfast. My favorite aspect of Tillet dining is getting to interact with so many diverse and interesting people in a social environment. Well, I technically don’t really talk to anybody, but I sit very, very close to other tables full of people and try to listen to their cool conversations. Maybe some day one of those kids will see me sitting pathetically alone and invite me to eat with them. Until then, I’ve got my kickass Targum crossword puzzle to keep me company. After that, it’s off to my classes. In between periods, upperclassmen like to play fun games with me. You know, things like “why are you hitting yourself?” or ‘keep away’ with my inhaler, or ‘throw large rocks at the faggot.’ I used to get angry with them, but now I just cry and they usually let up on me within the next half hour. After the swelling goes down, I hobble back to the towers to give my dolphin another flogging (Joshie, I’m a comin’!) After slipping into a post-ejaculatory nap, I wake up in time to wander the halls awkwardly. Maybe this week someone will invite me to a super cool frat party. Of course, they probably just forgot or something. Its no big deal, they’ll catch me next week. Until then, I have reruns of Battlebots to fill the void. The heartbreakingly, life-nullifying void… sigh! Well, I feel another urge to weep so I better end this now. I hope this gave you some insight of where I get the inspiration to write so many interesting comments to your Medium personals every week. Oh, by the way, if you can find it in your heart to ‘accidentally’ plow me over with your Volkswagen, thus ending my pitiful and meaningless existence, I’d be much obliged.
“Sexile” by Richard K. Piece i have no place to go. i’m wandering the streets. i am Dormless. it’s a cold, cold day in piscataway such is my plight, as i am sexiled. what am i to do? where am i to go? i wish i had a girl... ..for whom i’d give my roommate the boot. & there ain’t no chance for a three way i have five hours to kill. i’m off to a strip club.
medium poetry corner.
a poem by messy jessy entitled: school Jog Job Jog Job
Ode to Meat By Jim Conroy Ribs, steaks and bacon, chicken, roast, and veal. It’s meat that I’ll be makin’ for nearly every meal. I loves the burger roastin’ the smell of burnin’ pork, but the meat that I like best is that of Vegan dork. Slather it in gravy, smother it in sauce. garnish it with babies, and use the hair for floss.
Sleep Write Read Sleep Sleep Read Read Jog Job Job i'm sweaty
Not the One Ring, but still a beautiful silver with Tanzanite inset. Each article brings me one step closer to ownership. Help me. Please. Submit articles to: mbabitz@eden.
Long ago and far away in the land of Middle Earth, an evil power had invaded the land. The Dark Lord Sauron had created a ring that gradually sucked all the male potency out of all of Middle earth and into the ring which he alone possessed. This made him the undisputed cunt master of all of Middle Earth while everyone else’s power in the sack slowly but surely dissipated. During a great apocalyptic battle the ring was stolen, and after much confusion it gradually fell into the hands of the Golem, a hideous, evil creature who lived alone in the depths of the Misty Mountains. The Mountains were also home to the evil, violence prone Orcs. The male Orcs, for all there violent macho posturing were equally affected by the dreaded curse, and their women soon learned about the hideous but seductive Golem and whenever the chance was available would run off to engage in his exciting sadomasochistic orgies. When the male orcs would try to find there women, the Golem would shrewdly set a trap for them and eat them for dinner, while occasionally enjoying a hot gang bang directly before. This continued for years until the ring was stolen by Bilbao Baggins, a Hobbit on a journey to retrieve stolen Dwarf treasures. Coincidently Bilbao miraculously transformed from a mild mannered solitary hobbit who preferred reading and drinking tea to the undisputed Cunt Master of all of Hobbiton, and quite possibly all of Middle earth. Female hobbits would travel from far and wide to enjoy the talents of the unassuming but sexually mighty Bilbao. Several years later the great wizard Gandalf, a former companion of Bilbao returned to visit him with grave news. Middle Earth only had 15 years of any potency at all left if the ring was not destroyed while coincidentally the evil forces of the Dark Lord Suaron were hot on the trail of the ring and would soon find him. The only salvation was for the ring to be cast into the Pit of Mordor where it would be destroyed. While Bilbao was very upset about giving up the ring and the awesome sexual talents that it endowed him with, he understood the importance of the situation and gave the ring to his nephew Frodo who would journey with Gandolf. They were soon joined by a group of hobbits, men and dwarfs who shared an interest in destroying the ring and returning Middle Earth to its previous orgasmic state of being. Their journey consisted of many epic battles and adventures and they would celebrate each triumph with a hot and sweaty sausage party gang bang. This initially took persuasion with some of the members of the group. The dwarfs were overtly macho and slovenly and initially not up for steamy gay orgies. The forever horny and very clever Frodo soon discovered a way to get them in on the fun however. Dwarfs were notorious for being eternally lustful for gold and Frodo took advantage of this by keeping several nuggets of gold with him, and when schlong time (Wow... schlong time -Ed.) arrived he would ram them far up his anus. The dwarfs would follow in pursuit and were soon seduced by Frodo’s awesome sexual power. As a result the dwarfs transformed from homophobes to the best rim jobbers and ass reamers in all of Middle Earth. On the other hand Aragon, one of the men was an intense, brooding and romantic warrior and was for the idea immediately. Due to his love of battle, he had a unique way of incorporating weapons into his homoerotic sexual conquests. He actually pioneered several modern sexual techniques. He would use the blade of his sword to shave the pubic hair off the others, something which all of them found stimulating, and then put it back in is shaft which he would subsequently use to stimulate the their asses, essentially inventing the modern dildo. One day while traveling in the woods, the group came across Lady Galadriel, The Queen of the Elves. She was dreamy, seductive and quite gorgeous, and due to the fact the she was so far the only significant female character in this geek/ homoerotic fantasy, she quickly aroused Frodo’s unsatisfiable lust. However this fixation ended in disappointment, for although she was sort of sick of semi impotent male elves, she was well aware of imfamously small hobbit penises and wanted no part of the action. Despite this disappointment. Frodo and the group continued on and soon arrived at the Misty Mountains which they would have to successfully travel under in order to continue their journey. The journey under the mountains was initially uneventful. but eventually hey were discovered by the Orcs who chased the group towards the crumbling Bridge of Khazaddum. The group successfully crossed the bridge as it collapsed behind them but suddenly the dreaded Bal- Rog, a fearsome fire breathing demon appeared. Initially Gandalf tried to make the beast go away with a magic spell, but Frodo had a better idea. He quickly put on the ring and stared at the Bal- Rog with a seductive horny grin on his face. The Bal-Rog, a female quickly understood and due to the fact that she was too busy destroying things and hadn’t had any sort of oral stimulation in several millenniums, she quickly fell under Frodo’s sexual spell. She lowered herself to his level and stuck her enormous vagina directly in the face of Frodo as he started to lick. It was rather disgusting and smelled of sulfur, and her clit was about as hot as an oven. After a few minutes she let out a mighty orgasmic moan and smiled for the first time in thousands of years. After he was done, she flew away and the group continued on safely. Soon, however the group ran into more problems, although these ones were between the dwarfs and the men. They were greatly jealous due to sexual insecurity and Frodo’s shifting preferences between dwarf gold mining / ass reaming and Aragon’s erotic wordplay. After much argument they came to the conclusion that their battles were harming the cause of the journey and despite the fact that they were enjoying the greatest sex of their life, they decided to return to their homes and let Frodo continue the journey. Frodo chose Sam, another hobbit who also happened to be his favorite butt boy and together they rode off into the sunset. To be continued when I get around to reading the second book or when the second movie comes out. Brian Williams- btaub@eden.rutgers.edu
Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
“How much cock could a woodcock wood..?”
Arts
Come to a Medium meeting! 9:00 tonight, LSC 113 Rutgers to Change Mascot by Ricioni Rutgers University will no longer be the home of the Scarlet Knight. The University has been toying with the idea of changing its nickname for the past several years. Some ideas that were thrown around were the Pathetic Losers and the Crazy Goats. Unfortunately, neither was popular enough among the school’s staff and the community to warrant the switch. However, the popularity of the following idea has drawn the school’s staff to change the school’s mascot to the Rutgers Flying Monkeys. To understand this choice, you must first understand the beauty of a flying monkey. The monkey is commonly known to symbolize both pride and excellence while at the same time having a bright red ass symbolizing the many ass rapings we have received on the football field. But why a flying monkey? Jim Jamesy (‘03) explains, “There aren’t many things in this world more graceful than a flying monkey, let’s be honest. The community could keep searching for an alternative, but in my opinion, the classy choice would be the flying monkeys.” A flying monkey is not only fierce but an intelligent competitor. Armed with num-chucks, our mascot will be able to beat the shit out of any other mascot in the Big East hands down. This is a very important factor since Rutgers usually loses their athletic competitions. Personally I cannot wake up early to get piss drunk and tailgate a Rutgers football massacre...I mean game. But miss our mascot num chuck the death outta that faggot ass Syracuse Orange...I certainly wouldn’t want to miss that. If we can’t win a fuckin game we should at least have a bloodthirsty mascot equipped with num chucks. Call me old fashioned if you must. The decision has generated both positive and negative reactions. Douglass student Shirley Loose’s reaction was, “I think it’s the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard. Who in their right mind would want our mascot to be a beady-eyed flying monkey with num-chucks? I cannot believe the school board would approve a decision like this.” On the other hand my left nutt says, “I think it is the greatest thing I’ve ever heard.” Who in their right mind wouldn’t want our mascot to be a glaring eyed gliding primate equipped with martial arts weaponry. For now the change is just on a trial basis. Next year will be the first year for the change. At the end of the year it will be decided whether the change will become permanent. Fellow Rutgers students, next season when the football team is introduced as the Flying Monkeys, feel the pride in our superior mascot. Mock the other schools and let them know they are inferior. Explain to them the dominance a flying monkey exudes and how it is obvious we are the elite University. From here out the one thing that will represent pride and excellence at Rutgers University is the Flying Monkey. Cause straight up and down.... You can’t fuck with a flying Monkey.
tequilaxmockingbird@yahoo.com
Please leave your monkey at the beep.
A symbol of strength and grace? Just add wings and ninja weapons!
SpongeBob Bukkake by John Taurus Minus It had been a weird night already. I met a girl, a cute girl who was sexy in an unobtrusive way…wait, let me start over. She was cute, the kind of cute that was not obviously sexy but achieved the same effect. She was a mulatto, half black, half white; she had to tell me because I couldn’t figure out what she was. She had a wild mane of black hair, and skin the color of, well, coffee with milk and sugar. She had a great rack, especially for a chick who was 5’6". She was wearing a low-cut top and a miniskirt with open-toed shoes. Her legs were gorgeous, so were her feet. She was 42-24-38 and had one of those bubbly personalities, the kind of person you call an idiot if you don’t like them. Anyway, I was not really in the mood for a girl, but she took a liking to me. So, I had a buzz going and she was cute, so I talked to her. Turns out she loves football and watched every one of my games. A true Rutgers football fan, who would have thought they existed? We only win because of me. Anyway, she asked me eventually if I wanted to go back to her place and watch scouting films for Penn State. “Uuhhh...sure.” Man, she was really into football. She lived in an apartment on Commercial Ave.; ghetto, but comfortable. I didn’t think she actually had the tapes, but I was curious to see what exactly she would show me. Sure enough she had scouting tapes of Penn Sate football…last season’s reports, but impressive all the same. She had a really kiddie room with anime posters on the walls, and some SpongeBob SquarePants bedsheets. I was watching the tapes; a guy named Michael Leo has been a pain in my ass these last two years; when she comes in wearing a little pair of shorts and a wife beater. She snuggles up to me and proceeds to tell me about how they are vulnerable to blitzing, and to run when they show a nickel package. I don’t know about you, but a girl talking about blitzes and screen passes gets me really horny. Of course she noticed, (when you’re as big as I am it’s hard to not notice) and made her move. Susan, her name was Susan, put one of her gorgeous brown legs over mine and said, “Johnny, I have to admit I had ulterior motive for bringing you up here.” I smiled and started to take off my shirt. “Lemme guess, you where hoping that I would do it to you? Well your wish is my command.” I pulled down her shorts and she let out a little squeal of delight as I set to work on her little coffee colored pussy (which, incidentally, didn’t taste like coffee, but damn sure was sweet). Her panting and squealing and giggling (?!?) turned me on more than I thought possible. I had to finish her off fast so I could let her get to work on me. One of the advantages of being Captain Hetero and having super speed is you can move your tongue faster than a vibrator. When she came she wrapped her thighs around my neck so tight I thought I was gonna choke. When I pulled out my dick she didn’t look surprised at all. “A little bigger than I thought it would be”, she said, “but I can handle it.” She wrapped her mouth around the head and went to work. She seemed silly and girly before, but now she was all business. She worked the shaft like a pro, using all that giggly energy for a good purpose. She was not as good as say, SuperGirl, but for a nonsuperhero she sucked good dick. Ten minutes later she showed no signs of slowing down, but I had had enough. I gave her warning enough that I was gonna cum, but she seemed to want it. She jerked me off with her right hand and coaxed the cum out of my balls with her left hand. Her big tits swung back and forth from all of the effort she was putting into me. The first blast filled her mouth the second coated her beautiful jugs, and the third went right in Spongebob’s eye. After she managed to choke down my load, and I recovered from the great fucking orgasm she brought me to, our eyes met. We shared a moment of mutual satisfaction, then we both looked down at him at the same time. SpongeBob SquarePants with cum in his eye. And we laughed…we laughed for a very long time.
Your Mother, and Your Father, and Your Brother, and Your Sister...and maybe even your kitty-cat (no, YOUR mother, YOUR father, YOUR brother, and YOUR sister, and YOUR fucking kitty-cat too!!) www.themedium.net
Forwarded message - Date: Wed, 13 Feb 2002 17:35:47 From: Ian <fartknocker > < f a r t >@ E D E N . R U T G E R S . E D U To: RC_OFF CAMPUS @EMAIL.RUTGERS.EDU Subject: Don't reply to any of these you retard fuckers On Wed, 13 Feb 2002, Joe La<Poop > wrote: STOP SENDING ME THIS SHIT. I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOU.
are you keeping your bitch in line? if not, send her a personal to set her straight. unibutt@mad.scientist.com this goes out to the cumslut in easton ave 9...you are droopy, you are roopy, you are saggy, you are poopy....DROOPY ROOPY SAGGY POOPY. This is yo name, smegma-ridden hellen keller cunt...you the the stupid whore that finally think we makin fun of you, but left this semester, i dont want we makin fun of yo cunt, cuz it to see your hideous face, why is cheeeeeeesy...you need to dont you stop pretending to be shower, droopy cunt, or else i my friend because i dont even may get lost in that bacteriawant to associate with you ridden thing like your mom in my heezy. Don't be clitshitting over this, cuz i know you'll have a great story to tell later...chapter 456, " Those guys are dicks. I hate them. Entertain me.” Yeah, whatever...AND WHAT ABOUT THE SALAD? she'd say soopy poopy...but she's only the second wife, so what would she know?
COME TO A MEETING TONIGHT 9 PM LSC 113
DROOPY SAGGY
ROOPY POOPY!!!
(this shit again? like I said in the top right corner, I’m only printing it cause I have nothing better to print.)
“STEP INTO THE SPOTLIGHT”
February 28, 2002 9 pm Busch MPR Prizes and Free Give-aways
D
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P O O P Y ! ! ! ! ! ! hahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha!!! (very funny. This guy is lucky I didn’t separate each personal and that I tolerate this crap. Oh well, that’s what happens when there’s lack of material. Sigh.)
The guy who works at the CAC post office is hot. Yeah, I want that. I find myself writing letters to people in the phone book just so I have an (next time check before you excuse to see him. Won't you write email to everyone at ASSWIPE!) w w w . t h e m e d i u m . n e t lick my stamp, baby? Rutgers.
(anyone else care to make anymore comments on droopy roopy saggy poopy girls? or would anyone like a taste of the cheesey cunt?)
U N I B U T T @ M A D . S C I E N T I S T . C O M
Faithful Fag The snotty fag was going to the church with the Bible under his arms. On his way to the church, a truck full with construction workers passed by and yelled at him: faggot fudge packer pillow bitter fairy Right after that happened, the driver lost control of the truck and hit a post. The truck exploded and everyone died. Then the fag said: Oh God! You are to the troll in the TV room at f a n t a b u l o u t h h h h h h ! ! ! ! tillett on monday: you piece of fuck! don't you EVER, EVER (kids, what’s the moral AGAIN DARE CHANGE of this story? make THE CHANNEL WHEN fun of fags more.) THE SIMPSONS ARE ON, especially to watch Friends, you slore from hell. you know who you are, you mongoloid fuck. the next time a room full of people is booing at your ass, flip back to the simpsons, and take your nasto bowllegged walk and your shoddily frosted hair back to your seat, tard. -girl who yelled, "bitch goin down"
send personals to unibutt@mad.scientist.com
Ok-lets get things straight. I am from Douglass and enjoy the Caellian very much. Howeverthe newspaper is just a tad bit too extreme. Not every who reads it hates the government!! Not everyone who reads it is gay!! So chill out-especially the Charlotte character. I would bet that very few people ever look at her articles for more than 3 seconds!!
(everyone knows not to fuck with the Simpsons fans, they’re all crazy and are fans of the State and Family Guy, what a buncha weirdos.)
Personals
“He was biting my boobs, what was I supposed to do?”
Who cares about the date?
To the ZTA whore who tried to hook up with my man this weekend-watch out. You should have known you would get denied!! (You seem to have forgotten the fact that a lot of people know about that ugly spot on your arm!! (which ZTA whore? They’re all whores, how will they know which one you’re writing to?)
To that hot Emo chick in my WF Music 101 class. Damn baby you got it going on! Stop hanging with the fucking Fags, what is this fight club? Two guys after ya? Who's it gonna be Pitt or Norton... actually fuck that shit, come over to the other side and get some of my hot Punjabe cock, it turns to sweet sweet curry whenever your ass comes in the room. I cant stand it, just thinking about you makes me want to go practice my Kharma Sutra with a Cook cow. They may be sacred, but not as Holy as your finger-licking-ly good 'tang. To my roommate – seriously do something about your snoring or one morning you’re not going to wake up. You fucking snore louder then regular person yells, imagine trying to sleep through that. Dude, seriously I am so going to just beat the shit out of you one night, as If your just keeping a small light on, illuminates the whole fucking room!!! (why are roommates so annoying? grrrrrrr...) www.themedium.net
Personals To the stupid kid with messy hair who has photoshop and pagemaker problems in the CAC computer lab. I think you’re hot and I can tell that you have a huge cock. I wanna handcuff you to your computer, take your dick in my mouth and suck it dry, right after I fuck the shit out of you.
“Varmint poontang.”
While Randal P. McMurphy dreams of Medium meetings... YOU can go!!!!
(Wow... There is a definate possibility that you’re talking about me. If so, respond through personals via the Review.)
Quick note to NJ Turnpike Drivers, if you aren’t going 75+ in the left lane, then get the fuck off the road or next time I’ll chuck a cigarette “CAN I MAKE right into your window! YOUR PUSSY FART?” This goes out to the ugly skinny (I would like to think we talk penis enough in this paper, let’s start sending in some vagina-related personals.)
bitch on Cook-the one always @ the rec center-Kate I believe-you are so rude!! Please start being a little nicer-it would benefit evTo to all the people who’ve eryone!! And one more thingbeen wonderin’ what hapget pants that are pened to Pretty Pretty long enough for you! Patrick, the coolest and There isn’t a flood coming-in definately the cutest bus driver fact-I think we are almost in a ever to work at the severe drought!! cess pool which we call Rutgers. I’ve been JOHN IS A KID TOUCHER told by a very reliable source (At least he’s trying to make that he was “given an a difference in this world.) offer that he couldn’t refuse” at another company. to the guy that likes to get it all over his face, you should come To that asshole from Hegeman back to NJ and see what who called me a you’re really missing. I know fat fuck, dude, I Indiana has got nothing on me? weigh 115 pounds! FurtherBy the way, I know you always more, you live in Hegeman, wanted to see this in print....yes, HEGEMAN! You lose you have the biggest all rights to say shit and best cock i’ve when you live in every seen, or felt. Hegeman, get over yoursel (1. That’s more like it. 2. Ladies, the secret to keeping a boyfriend is upping your queef quality.)
To Dr. Segismundo Freud, and Kristy Kreme regards from Macho Picchu. Keep up the boredom!!! god bless the medium (I sure will.) GODDAMIT!!! Gearbox, keep your nice volumptious padded ass in the freakin’ goal! How the fuck can we win the goddamn’ Stanley Cup if you’re drooling over Fox! Keep your legs closed and maybe no more pucks will slip in! (Go back to Canada.)
(penis)
Tonight, Livingston Student Center Room 113, 9:00
LJX or laymil. Which has bigger man junk?
(As a Livingston resident, I have no idea what this personal meant. But I do know this, fat people make me feel better about myself.)
Wednesday, Feboobary 27, 2002
to the fucking girl on metzger3, stop fuckign complaing about my fucking music you dumb ass white bitch, ill fucking play it as goddamn loud as i fucking want to. the next time you complain about the music im going to fucking turn up all my shit and just leave it on you fucking hoe. so what if you cant fucking sleep or study, go sleep in the fuckign lounge or something. tell me to turn down my music one more time and ill just bitch slap you white hoe.
to that kid in my math class (the kid with unibrow, i’m sure you all know him, he’s an adam, the most horrible kid on campus): please die. if you cannot die, please castrate yourself so cannot reproduce. to plague the world with a second generation of YOU would be appalling. mod pi! To Elizabeth, I can’t wait until we see those vagina monologues next week. I sure would like to keep the vagina theme going later on in the night with you. Yum... Love, Erica.
(Cum in her ears so she doesn’t have to hear your music.)
(Sometimes I just like to say vagina.... vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina.)
To that hott ass blue eyed boy with glasses I saw Monday in the College Ave Student Center. You know who you are, the one with the tight-ass white undershirt and huge fucking arms that you kept stretching so I could see them: LETS FUCK!!!! We made eye contact a few times and then you put your arms behind your head so I could cum my pants your huge ass bicepts. Look, I know how it is. Dont worry, I can keep it quite. I’m no flammer. If you’re interested, email me at lemoiprive@aol.com or just write me a personal back. And if by some remote chance your straight, nevermind but thanxs anyway for the view!!! To all those douglass first year bitches who are still in fuckn high school. Look around u u stupid whores..we are in fuckin college now..so all this bullshit about y’all talkin shit about people u dont even know, talkin to people about shit u dont even know about, and especially u girls actin sheisty over a fuckin guy..grow the fuck up. Oh yea always talkin about not being here for the bullshit...bitches thats all that comes out ure mouths.....and if ure reading this right now and wondering if im talking about u...then im sure ure one of those triflin ass biches who do nuthin but talk shit and lie and then think they all gangsta..please yall dont even know what the word gangsta means...how about this..how about u come at me or anyone else when ure capable of sounding even remotely close to an intellligent black woman with respect for herself.. otherwise stay the fuck out everyone’s business cuz ure givin us a bad name...u aint here for the bullshit..we aint here for the kindergarden acts.
say my name and touch me on the inside part. oh your cunt is heavenly especially when you push down hard and play speed bump with my nose. I love watching your titties bounce around like jello sqigglers. My beaver bashes, quivers at the idea of descending into your undulating inferno of lust. You bitch, you whore, I'm gonna fuck you into orbit. I'm gonna rip off your titties when I thrust To the nasty ass fat girl and my indigo summer sausage in her friend who wrote the He’s wearing a Yamaka you, up your ass. I'm gonna personal last week about the (sp? muthafucka!). He can’t make you say my name and Russian girl in MTH Assest hear you. So yell at him touch me on the inside part. Pricing. Yeah, I saw you =w= TROOP666:GODHATESUSALL looking at her thong, and I (YATTA!) saw the disgusted look on TROOP666:IVEHADCRABS,IVE Blair witch attacks your face. Everyone else in HADLICE,IVEHADTHECLAP woods. ANDTHATAINTNICESOWHAT the class was enjoying the Rutgers view. You are just jealous (Very clever. You’re next.) TROOP666:CANCERSUCKS (If we could only round up cause you are fat and blonde look over here ------> Q&AWITHTROOP666:Q:HOW every woman and put them and could never LONGISACHIMAMANA:YESHEIS on a nice desert island with wear a thong without it comexample of power ---------> pletely disappearing into your (Mad props to Troop 666.) a kitchen to die for.) ass canyon and coming i also wish that i wish i sometimes i wish i out smelling like shit. Quit spoilbed daddy didn’t owned a bed had a virgin shit ing the view for the rest of us time penetrate my asshole and let your ugly friend lose large nostrils
her face in the lobster surprise between your legs. (Seeing a girl’s thong popping out is life’s little way of saying, “I love you.”)
To My Bitch of a house-mate~ You’re a fucking loser and you need to get over yourself because no one here gives a shit about how much your life sucks. We’re sick of looking at your fat ass. You and your slutty ZTA whores can go eat some more dick and try not to choke this time. Fuck yourself because no one else will. Yours Truly, The hot roommate
Wednesday, February 27, 2002 Dear Steve, apparently we are both single now, and I can't wait for all the vagina we'll share together next week. I think about it every night under my covers but my roommate knows. I told her about you and now we *think about you* together. You'll get to meat her too. Party on, dude. (Just because you’re both single doesn’t mean you automatically have to start licking each other’s genitals and such. How I pine for the fifties....) Once my boyfriend's penis was two colors and it ROCKED. (I met a girl once who I heard had green nipples, but then I sucked her tits, and found out they weren’t. Worst experience of my life...)
To that sick disgusting fuck who was beating his shit in the cook/douglass rec steam room. what the fuck is your problem. (sorry i offended you, you say)hell yeah you did and you even had the audacity to follow us twice. next time we see you wacking off, we’ll cut off your dick, roast it on the sauna oven and make you eat it you sick fuck. we sincerely hope you die. Lauren, my roommate, I can hide my lust for you no longer. Every night afteryou strip off all your clothes and get into bed, I stare at you for hours while you sleep. Your naked body makes me so hot as you toss and turn. Please let me know if I can sleep with you tonight.
Personals
“Damn, we’re smooth.” This is for erica in my honors amer. lit class. Your cunt is beloved and sheis mine. where is the milk that you promised me , bitch? I want to thrust my rigid cock deep inside your glorious cunt. she is mine. can we play carwash again? I love when your roast beef curtains slap against my face. your face is my face and I want to rub your pussy juice all over it. Don't everlet me see you with Bradley again. your cunt is beloved and she is mine. where is my kiss? beloved. (I HATE people that make a point to write that it’s an honors class... You dweebs think you’re the fucking shit.)
To Liz, I want to rape special haiku section: goats with you... Not Fuck my tight gay ass only that, I would like don't talk. I want to be fucked to steal by 10,000 cocks. baseball bats and run off into the night TROOP666:NOMEANSYES with frozen toes and big tits. I want to strip down Oleg with TROOP666:ICANTWAITTOGET you and make sure he is grab- MARRIEDANDHAVEADAUGHTERSO bing his tooth when I take his ICANHAVESOMETIGHTASSPUSSY underwear off. Next, I will Q&AWITHTROOP666:Q: place you in a cauldron of WHATYOUBEENUPTO warm apple butter until you are JOHNNYA:JUSTHANGINGONCOOK apple buttery enough to run TROOP666:ALLPRIESTSHAVE my lawnmower across. See you soon!! Love, a boy AN ASSHOLE FOR ABOSS that thinks you are the best TROOP666:IHAVEATINYPENIS
bonus!!! penis awareness thing
To those decrepit dirty girls on the 9th Floor of Easton Ave. apts. Boys with big penises! I hope you all die! PeYeah, showah sometime why don't ya! Esnises should be small or normal sized. Girls don't pecially the one..."I want your huge penises everywhere scaring them. condition my hair every day, but wash it going down on a guy with a big penis makes me once a week!" Filthy. cry. YOu have more area covered by a mouth I love it. I love you all too..I'm just mad with with less surface area to worry about anyway. So Epstein-Barr that's all. if you have an average sized penis, REJOICE, He fucked me in the ass repeatedly and for you are a delight in my life wasn't even nice enough to offer a reach around. I love To the person who spray my little DRSP painted "REVOLUTION" w/ (look above) To the personal buried a heart on the side of Scott where no one will ever read Hall the other week, good (so not showering and keep- it, I am deeply sorry it turned work! Hope to see more good ing my hair filthy will attract out this way for you. let me work soon... "Love" guys-gotta remember that.) repay you with sex.
DEATH BY VIAGRA RITCH WILL BLOW
@
YOU
MEETING
Note: Please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
INQUIRE
A tall well-built woman with good reputation, who can cook frogs legs, who appreciates a good fucschia garden, classic music and talking without getting too serious.
$0.25
WANTED:
FOR
Damned if I knew... Something called Viagra...
thanks Anna K. for your AD
DO THIS STUFF: 1) Send personals: unibutt@mad. scientist.com 2) Come to a Meeting: Livingston Student Center Room 113 Tonight @ 9 pm 3) Visit our site: www.themedium.net 4) fuck your mom and your dog. 5) take a piss, but not on me. 6) drink some milk - it does a body good.
To the shithead that keeps setting off my alarm, I'm gonna fuckin shove one of my pistons up your ass if you keep it up. got me? -Serpent (Ooh watch out the serpent’s gonna shove his pistons up your ass! BEWARE!) www.themedium.net
What’s Shakin’ Shakin’ What’s
“Holla Back Womens Rugby, Crew, Ice Hockey...ooh oooooh...”
Wednesday, February 27, 2002
Locally Yours... Wed 2/27 Gov’t Mule State Theatre Thu 2/28 Indigo Girls Drew University Thu 2/28 Liquified Stanhope House Fri 3/1 GWAR Birch Hill Nite Club Fri 3/1 Joan Baez State Theatre Fri 3/1 Barbuda Conduit Fri 3/1 SNOCORE ROCK Convention Hall Asbury Park Sat 3/2 Amber Sound Garden Sun 3/3 RATDOG Paramount Theatre
What you missed on Saturday: Violence + Dirt+ Hot, Sweaty Girls on top of each other = The Womens Rugby Game!!! This Saturday, The lovely ladies are playing an away game, so I’m afraid you’ll have to hold out...but until then, If Violence + Dirt + Hot, Sweaty Guys on top of each other is more your speed, then go to the Men’s Rugby Game Watch them beat the shit outta Bloomsburg, this Saturday at 1pm, on the Sports Club field, across from Silvers Apts.
Have an event? Jimmy Ray says: Who wants to know? WS does! Send you events to xenawrrprncs@hotmail.com, only if you’re feelin dangerous...
Are you Jimmy Ray? If not, then come to a Medium Meeting! Tonight at 9pm Livingston Student Center Room 113
NYC Shit: Wed 2/27 Edwin McCain Bottom Line Wed 2/27 The Exit Brownies Wed 2/27 Greyscale C.B.G.B. Thu 2/28 Gorillaz Hammerstein Ballroom Thu 2/28 Stand Bitter End Thu 2/28 Vinyl Mercury Lounge Fri 3/1 Topaz Irving Plaza Fri 3/1 Magnetic Fields Lincoln Center Sat 3/2 “Punks Vs. Psychos” Knitting Factory Sat 3/2 Alien Ant Farm Roseland Sat 3/2 Apex Theory Roseland Sun 3/3 American Nightmare Knitting Factory Sun 3/3 Atom And His Package Knitting Factory Sun 3/3 Regan Knitting Factory Mon 3/4 Nelly Furtado Hammerstein Ballroom Mon 3/4 Need New Body Knitting Factory Tue 3/5 Starsailor Irving Plaza Tue 3/5 Over The Rhine Mercury Lounge Tue 3/5 Joan Baez Town Hall
HOOBASTANK This Thursday, Feb. 28th, at the Cook Campus Center - Tix $10 - If you don’t already have tickets, go there NOW - yeah, right now, jackass, and hopefully you’ll be able to scare up a couple - with RU ID, of course