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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
Volume xli Issue xviII HIRED TO FIRE
OTHER RU SPORTS TEAMS REQUEST APPEARANCE FROM CANNON CREW BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
BUSH—After a lengthy term of service at Rutgers Stadium, the cannon team, who is responsible for firing the cannon after the football team scores, concluded their trial run with the basketball team and will now move on to support additional sports on the banks. The team was successful in increasing the amount of student excitement during the basketball games and it seemed only logical to extend their rallying power to other suffering teams. “We were disappointed how infrequently [the cannon] was used during the football season so what better way to bring them back to full force by placing them in a high scoring environment?” Said VP of Athletics David Bates. “Imagine every time a player on the tennis team serves the ball, you hear a deafening boom immediately after, Revolutionary style! Big Badda Boom, you just went down 15Love, bitch!” The cannon team will fire
Student Gets House in New Brunswick Only to Find Parents Are moving in With him
CONTRIBUTING WRITER
bels of sound per shot, similar to putting one’s head near a jet engine for 5 minutes. When asked about the potential damage to their hearing, an anonymous sophomore said, “WHAT!? I CAN’T HEAR YO…WHAT!?” In an unrelated series of events, Hurtado has proscribed 150% more condoms to students who have complained about having Stevie Wonder's hearing.
THE HOMEFRONT—In a time of terrible housing lottery numbers, sophomore Jeffrey Hares thought he would avoid the rush by applying to rent a New Brunswick house with several friends. Hares was lucky enough to get a house on Senior Street, but later discovered that his parents were to be moving in with him come June. “I’m paying for the damn place anyway” shouted father Ross Hares, “Plus it’s better then the crap hole we live in so why not take advantage of it?” Instead of Keg parties, the Senior Street house will host discussions with other college students about how they are bleeding their parents dry with tuition payments, and how we are ungrateful little bastards.
NEWS QUICKIES
IN FOCUS
"BOOM" SHAKALAKA The cannon team is prepared to fire on the referee if they call a bad shot.
every time Rutgers scores a run, point, goal or simply moves a chess piece, which happens around 30 or 40 times per match. Two weeks ago, the cannon was used for the basketball match against Louisville with fantastic results. Because of the RAC’s trapezoidal design, sound gets redirected and amplified down on the court level, resulting in loud volume levels. The cannon itself produces 140 deci-
Oregon credits population increase to historic trail
Thousands more die of dysentery en route SALEM—The U.S. Census Bureau has just released data that in the past decade there has been a significant rise in population for the state of Oregon. According to the Census Bureau, the overall population of the state has increased by 12% since 2000 and the numbers are still on the rise. State government officials believe the spike in population can be attributed to the revitalization of the historic Oregon Trail which stretches across the Midwestern United States towards Missouri. American pioneers former-
YOUR MOM
By Ignoramus The 3rd
DYSENTERY
BY THE KILLA WHALE STAFF WRITER
50¢
MARCH 2ND, 2011
ly used the trail for commercial purposes, emigration, and territorially expansion throughout the 19th Century. However, the trail has recently been used by urban, Latino families to find sanctuary from segregation, overcrowding, and poor job markets. “The Hispanic population in Oregon has grown 64% between 2000 and 2010,” said Census Bureau Director Robert Groves. “On a related note, bicycle sales have also increased in Oregon.” Witnesses of the mass migration to Oregon have reported seeing Conestoga wagons Continued, “TRAIL” page 2
Dining halls to offer taste neutral food "We wanted to be able to accommodate everyone's tastes," said Douglass lunch lady Wilma Johnson. "So we're getting rid of taste distinctions all together."
Mattel to promote slimmer, "Active Line" Barbie dolls
Chris Christie eats controversial microwave dinn....
"Now you just wait a darn minute! I am sick and tired of "After I saw they did it with the news media being vigilant Mr. Potato Head, I looked at of every single freaking thing Barbie and thought, 'Hey, I do! That's right, I said it! It's she's kind of a lardass,'" said time we had an adult converMattel CEO Bob Eckert. Barbie sation about this." will now measure 36-0.8-33.
The Game is Afoot! ESTABLISHED 1970
THE MEDIUM
NEWS "You shall not have died in vain, young Nerf bullet."
THE MOVEMENT!
STUDENT PROTESTS OUTSIDE KING PITA BECOME INCREASINGLY RABID BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
This poor image was snapped mere seconds before a protester bumped into our now slightly bruised Medium cameraman. His biddies will be compensated
what their demands are as of late. They want the dictator owners of the restaurant overthrown and replaced with management elected by the student body. They also want the chicken tender combo’s price cut by a dollar minimum. And they demand better quality gyro meats. “It’s the least they can do,” said protest leader Ryan Morris-Slaught, “to make that restaurant our restaurant again, for the first time.” However, some are nervous
about new leadership. “I’ve seen a lot of vegans at the protest sites,” pondered protestor Ed Mawicizewski, “and if they get in charge, well, say goodbye to the tasty food we have here.” There is also fears that conflict will rise throughout other restaurants in New Brunswick. Calling them “a vital interest and ally that must be defended,” President McCormick has deployed Rutgers Police Officers to protect the Grease Truck vendors from revolt.
TRAIL continued from front carrying as many as 25 to 30 people at a time. The settlers often make quick stops in small towns to purchase ammunition, gun powder, medicine, and Santana albums. Spanglish-speaking settler Cesar Dios said, “It was hard trail. Abuela died wit de typhoid. Que cosa mas triste.” Despite the population increase, many potential Oregon residents never made it to the promised land. "My dad didn't want to pay the bridge toll and so he decided to float our car down the river," said Jorge Perez." My sister drowned! I mean, who the fuck
TODAY'S WEATHER Average temp: 45 F RealFeel temp:
TRAILBLAZIN'
This model is now available in Metallic Peat.
does that?!" Despite the spread of Latin-American culture across the heartland, a silver-lining was found by restaurant chains
Baby cries for change of diaper
located near or along the trail. “We hunt de oso, de bear, and de deer. We make a new taco,” said Dios.
The peace in the Marcus household was disrupted last Thursday night when 6 month old Jamie Marcus had a late night uprising from his crib, apparently feeling that the time was right to demand nothing short of a complete change of diaper after five hours in his current diaper. The father, Kurt Marcus expressed extreme reluctance to replace the corrupted diaper with an entirely one. “It’s not going to be a clean transition, that’s for sure,” said Marcus. “I just know it’s going to be a stinking mess.” Baby Jamie’s cries for a change have gotten the attention of the entire household, including his seven year old sibling, Leslie Curtis. Leslie has started counter protests of her own, threatening to leave the house to join the slumber party at Jenny’s down the street. Despite these threats, Marcus is unable to impose even the slightest sanctions on Jamie due to language barriers, and the fact that ignoring his diaper will only put Marcus in deeper shit. Adding to the stress is the recent development in Jamie’s growth, who as of last Saturday has been able to stand. He has not yet developed the momentum to walk, but Marie is nonetheless worried about the safety of restless Jamie in his crib. “Now that he’s standing up for himself, there’s so much more to worry about,” said Marie. “All this movement activity might result in a terrible fallout.” Marcus felt that the current situation does not bode well for the future. “I can tell already he’s going to be quite the rebellious teen. Fuck me.”
submityourarticlestothemediumnow
Whoa there, you some kind of sick touchy feely weather perv?!
F
DIAPER DUTY
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES STAFF WRITER
COLLEGE AVE— As tensions in the Mideast continue to rise, most recently in Libya, it makes one ask where the next uprising will occur. The answer is actually in the food court, as three thousand student protestors have mobilized against the King Pita Restaurant. The demonstrators have been marching since Thursday. “This place is fascist,” complained one student, “They charge whatever they want, it’s like they own the place or something." The problems began last week, as they raised prices due to pita bread costs. This change came despite falling prices at Au Bon Pain. Despite demands to reduce costs, they were ignored by the tyrannical management. At first, only three students were protesting, but thanks to suggestive bathroom graffiti, the numbers have grown to current levels. Students have made clear
Editorial Staff Spring 2011
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
news@themediumonline.com (The Review came out last week. We need to look stylish.) Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson
News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Kenneth Brooks Shane Whelan Steve Troulis Kenneth Brooks Barbara Reed The Hunted One
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the selfish jerks that are sitting around me in the Medium production room. Because I wanted to be nice and dedicate this issue to the workers in Wisconsin, but nooooooooooooo.
THE MEDIUM
FEATURES
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011
“I need about tree fiddy” CUTE THING OTW
MCCORMICK PHOTOS OF THE WEEK
I did two photoshops this week. First, I started off with an infamous picture of 1988 Presidential Candidate Michael Dukakis in a tank and gave it the McCormick photoshop treatment. People ask me why I do this, and I only respond with more doctored images of McCormick. Please show these to him. He is a GOD AMONGST MEN!
Submitted by Kat GET KRUNK
Alcoholic Beverage of the Week:
Submit to features@themediumonline.com
Tsingtao Hans Kugua Beer
RESPONSE TO MAN NAMING HIS DAUGHTER “FACEBOOK” By Frank Fusco Facebook was just 1 of 10 dectuplets. I met a Genie named Jeannie & she showed me their future:
In case you didn’t notice right away, look closer and you’ll see that there are motherfucking PICKLES on the label of this Chinese “beer.” Perhaps the supposed pickle flavoring is why this stuff tastes like watered down, sour piss in a bottle. Being 15 years old and stupid, my friends and I picked up a bottle of this shit in China. The only reason I would recommend that anyone try it is to get a good laugh. A SHITTY POEM This poem was submitted by a young man who is determined to prove that it sucks balls. What do you think? Read it first, then send your answers to: features@themediumonline.com
WORD UP!
Medium Words of the Week Broliceman (Brolice): That
token bro at the party who virulently enforces the law of the party/house. The Pizza Block: When your lovemaking session is interrupted by the pizza delivery guy. Whooty: A white girl with a booty.
The Un-ending Winter By Anonymous After our eyes met together Lust was the only thing that mattered Aching hearts reaching for one another Ukulele strings holding the tears back. My story is not that of a fighter Not one of a lover But of a simple man. Abashed, and broken. Let me tell you, my dear Endings are not what matter Idle hands at night matter Feelings pouring out matter Are our Winter’s over yet?
Breasts, jugs, tits. Boobies are fun to play with. Girl boobies, not man boobies. Moobs. Nasty. Anyway. In order to gain easy access to the mammary, you must be at a drunken spring break getaway, or you must be a top notch flirter. Flirtation has evolved into an art form, a skill, and as with many things, location is important. For you, I have compiled a list of places and times to NOT flirt, to avoid Awkward Flirtation! 1. Elevators. While this may seem like a good idea, I know from personal experience that an elevator ride can be almost eternal. Hot, elevator, emergency-stop passion was not in my future. 2. Red lights. Not like, winking at the hot girl in the next car over, but actually getting out of your car and knocking on their window to chat them up. Some guy did this to a friend of mine and ended up getting pity sex out of it so...your call on that one. 3. Intense conversations. If you see someone in the midst of a good conversation, that’s a damn bad time to try to work yourself in for some sweet, sweet pussy. Especially if you’re stuck at a bus stop and your only lead in is “So how about that lecture? Tectonic Plates… yeah!”. No, no tectonic plates. Which reminds me… 4. Busses and Bus Stops. Usually a bad idea. You’re both stuck together waiting to go somewhere, you’re most likely going to come off as a creep. Really, think about it, most of the time, people on busses don’t bother talking to anyone else, they just listen to their ipods, or eavesdrop on the 2 people actually making conversation. They will know your failure, and all shall rejoice in it. Take it from me, your good friend Johnny, I put myself on the front lines and found out all of this first hand, for you. It’s always been for you. So stay strong, stay confident, and don’t be an awkward cheezer.
BULLY THE BULLIES
What happens when school bullies become victims themselves? By Investigative Journalist #42673894 Bubba Wilkinson ain’t so tough anymore. The big, bad Monroe Middle School bully revealed on Monday he had been sexually molested by the school’s hideous, obese, 56-year-old choir teacher, Herman Kibbles. Numerous tormented nerds rejoiced when Bubba broke down in tears during music class, just as the choir had begun rehearsing Phil Collins’ classic, “You’ll Be In My Heart.” He proceeded to blurt out every gruesome de-
tail of the incident. “There’s nothing funny about being forced to wear nipple clips and lick cottage cheese out of Mr. Kibbles’ ass crack,” said self-proclaimed ‘computer geek’ Glen Higgins, “except if it happens to Bubba Wilkinson. Then it’s hilarious.” Mr. Kibbles, who looks like a mix between John Goodman, Edward Scissorhands, and a potato, could not be reached for comment.
Submit to features@themediumonline.com
You may remember this scene from the summer blockbuster, INCEPTION. Please, if you have access to this beautiful man, show him my creations! I make these homages to feed my McCormick urges! If you have any suggestions about how I should photoshop him next, email managing@themediumonline.com post haste! May Dick be with you.
With Love from Johnny J-Bot, Staff Writer
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED
Wednesday, March 2nd 2011
“Fuck you, Natalie Portman.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
COMMENTARY
BY MIKE RICE
My Silence
Let’s All Be Fucking Nice To Each Other, Ok? I’m Finally Breaking W e l come to my court ordered Project Civility lecture, assholes. Before I begin, I would like to dispute the fact argued by the Big East Conference and the state of New Jersey that I need anger management training. I mean, I only yelled at the towel kid five times, and only three of those yells had obscenities. Anyway, today I will go over the lack of friendliness you twats have towards each other that’s ruining my goddamn life here. Life in the Raritan Valley was awesome for five minutes, then all this stupid shit was happening. Nothing worse has happened at Rutgers than the Clementi incident. Two douches recording his sexual activities. I don’t care who or what he
bones, we should treat all people, straight or gay the goddamn same. C’mon you two fuckers, treat that kid with fucking respect. This whole incident makes me so mad, I’m going to tear off my coat. And now we have endless goddamn sniping between BAKA and Israeli groups on the question of peace in the
“This whole incident makes me so mad, I’m going to tear off my coat.” Middle East. Fucking sniping at each other back and forth Fucking coexist. At this point I want both sides to be destroyed by a goddamn nuclear apocalyptic fireball. Just like you Beatty, for that super shitty buzzer beater against ‘Cause. Seriously, quit taking garbage shots you retarded twit. I’ll see you
at practice tomorrow, and BY JUSTICE CLARENCE THOMAS we’ll make sure adjustments are made. Sorry about your mother by the way, but I want those sides to work together to make a less retarded society, just like I have this urge to throw off my pants in frustration. And furthermore, I would like to… Oh come on, ref, Biruta was fucking hacked underneath! Where’s the justice? Don’t give me this make up call bullshit, cause we never get bad calls against us made up. I hope your kids get AIDS. Sorry, that happens all the time. It is my goal here at Rutgers to make sure we actually have a fucking better, fucking more just, fucking more tolerant campus here at Rutgers. The lack of niceness makes me so angry that I will take off my boxers. And I won’t stop until we reach that goal. Unless of course, I get an offer from a major school that blows me away in three years.
“
...
”
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
The King’s Speech is a Beautiful Film That Will Touch Future Generations
SOCIAL NETWORK!!! WOOOT!! BY KEVIN FARRELL
BY WILL RILEY The King’s Speech is an adult version of a feelgood movie that manages to both make you laugh and touch your heart. Some scenes with the irreplaceable Colin Firth actually had me slapping my legs because I was laughing so hard. Yet even with scenes like that, The King’s Speech was still an incredibly poignant film that will speak to anyone who has dealt with the issues of a stutter such as King George. What really brings the film to life is the performances from its lead actors. As previously mentioned, Colin Firth provides another stunning performance to ad to his repertoire. He is accompanied by Geoffrey Rush as the King’s enigmatic speech therapist and the always lovely Helena Bonham Carter as his wife and soon-to-be queen. The touching script and heart-wrenching performances are what make this such a wonderful period piece that deserved to win Best Picture this weekend. I’m sure it will remain a classic.
Ho-ly SHIT dude. What is with the Oscars? You’re seriously not gonna give Best Picture to The Social Network? That movie was fuckin’ AWESOME. Man, it was about Facebook! FACEBOOK! What is more fucking awesome than that. Plus it was written by the guy that was the writer from The West Wing. I think he did “A Few Good Men,” too. I WANT THE TRUTH! YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Haha. Fuckin’ priceless. And that dude from Zombieland was the star of the freakin’ movie! Jessie Eisenberg! How’d he not get a trophy too! You don’t see Woody Harrelson getting an Oscar anytime soon, or that hot chick that was in Superbad. This was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Plus, that means Mark Zuckerburg would get an Oscar too. Like, if he did that, he’d be like the most interesting man in the whole world! Move over Dos Equis guy! Man, now I really want a beer...What was I talking about?
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Which class do you wish you had dropped? “I thought I dropped that Psych class that takes attendance every day. Probably should have double checked that.”
Tiffany Kent Graduate Student
“Theories in Women’s Leadership. I thought it would be more about women and less about leadership.”
Marc Russo SAS, Junior
“Cell and Development Biology. It’s way too easy. I don’t trust any class I don’t have to study more than 5 hours for.”
Elise Tang SEBS, Senior
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011
THE MEDIUM
ARTS “Italic. Bold Italic. Regular.”
COMICS
GRAFFITI
KRISTEN CIGNAVITCH
Location: Brower lightpost by the entrance from College Ave
Submitted by Artem MUSIC THING
Alternatives to Pop Songs
Indie rock is always considered to be “alternative” so here are some direct alternatives to shitty Billboard Top 10 songs.
Instead of... Listen to... “Firework” by Katy Perry
“Fireworks”
by The Whitest Boy Alive
“We R Who We R” “Like U Crazy” by Ke$ha
by Mates of State
“Black & Yellow”
“Lemon Yellow Black”
by Wiz Khalifa
by Jets to Brazil
“Teenage Dream” “Submarine Dream” by Katy Perry
by Apples In Stereo
“Like a G6”
“Like Gold”
“Only Girl”
“Girl”
“Born This Way”
“I Was Born (A Unicorn)”
by Katy Perry by Rihanna
by Lady Gaga
by Erlend Øye by Beck
by The Unicorns
arts@t arts@t h e m e h e m e d i u m o d i u m o n l i n e Submit n l i n e comics, graffiti, reviews, . c o m . c o m music or random to a r t s drawings a r t s arts@ themedi@ t h umonline. @ t h e m e com e m e d i u m d i u m o n l i n o n l i n e . c o m e . c o m
THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS “Don’t get mad at me, I saved your ass.”
RIDICULOUS
ARIAL FONT? WHAT?
“FAH-Q”
The next time one of you little black bitches cuts the line waiting to get on a bus, I am going to put my cigarette next to your chemically treated horse hair which of course will start a fire, and watch the hilarity ensue as you scream and run and no one helps because you are fucking bitches!
I’m not postulating that she is a miner of rare minerals. But she is most certainly not associating with young black men with insubstantial funds.
To the wang wrangler asshole who kept pestering me at Neilson while I was laughing at the personals; No, I was NOT laughing at whatever the fuck you and your friend were saying, and what pissed me off more was that you wouldn’t leave me the hell alone until I told you that I was laughing at what you said. I was feeling like shit that day, and dealing with your bullshit only made me feel worse. If you’re trying to get laid, you are failing miserably in your approaches to women. Shut the fuck up and talk about something else besides Pokemon!! FUCK!!!!!
(Smoking is bad for you, though. And just inquiring, when did we begin to have lines for the buses? I have been jabbed in the ribs by black bitches, white bitches, indian bitches, chinese bitches, and iranian bitches getting on the EE, so get the fuck over it and shove back, or be civil and wait for a less crowded bus.) To my stupid cunt roommate: You’re MUCH less interesting since your boyfriend finally grew a spine and dumped your ass. We thought you were just quieter (less screaming), but fucking HELL if your diary isn’t the most boring piece of shit I’ve ever heard read aloud. Honestly, it reads like a goddamn 13-yearold wrote it. How do you not have thoughts outside of which boys wanna get in your vag? I mean, your roommates are dicks, you could complain about them. (Wow, you are horrible people. Poor girl or guy lost their boyfriend, and then you not only call him or her a cunt but then read their diary ALOUD. What the fuck is wrong with you. Seek help.) To the girl on the LXC who said, “Like, personally, I like to think, like everything can be solved with a warm home-made batch of chocolate chip cookies!”-I hope you get raped by a unicorn. (Hey! Don’t you dare say that to a Chocolate Chip cookie lover. Save that shit for snickerdoodle fans.) I had the best fuckin Thursday of my life last week, and knocked back madd beers, madd drinks, and fucked 2 bitches, and then i found out someone stole my fuckin wallet. (I want to say Karma, but It doesn’t fit here well...)
(Disregard females, acquire currency. Sincerely, Dr. Drehood.) To the guy on the LX who sounded like he repeatedly coughed up a lung, COVER YOUR DAMN MOUTH!! Did’nt your mother ever teach you manners? Get on that shit, dude. To the man who sat in the back of my intro to film class ... you smelled horrible. No worse then horrible. you smell so bad I would have rather sat in a box with a homeless man who hasnt showered in a week. you smell so bad id rather join the bible thumping jesus freaks who scare people outside of scott hall and the RSC. you smelled so bad that i would rather make-out with Donald Seigel (and he smells [and looks] pretty damn bad). i appreciate your effort to conserve water and save the whales but please, please shower. Don’t make the human population suffer for your cause. To the girl on the F-Bus who according to her hand needed to print her theater appreciation essay. You’re kinda cute. I hope you got an A on it. To Blumpkin Kid. Beware. Look to your left. Look to your right. Do you see me. I see you. Run. To my Brower Crush, I saw you at a party and your hair was so long and luscious and black. Your make-up was superb. Your teeth were as white as snow. And i wanted to buy you a shot but you were too fast for me. To the person who stole our keg: we will find you and you’ll pay us the 30 buck deposit you owe us. To the blonde on the REXB quoting Dane Cook: I smiled at you and you make fun of my smile once I look away? I knew insecure people existed met one who was at your level before. Thanks for that experience. I hope you find some self worth.
(Do not disturb me and Spicy Caramel’s readers. When you fuck with our readers, you’re fucking with us, and it is not at all appreciated. Go jerk off to some Ash and Pikachu Hentai porn, and get the fuck over it if you’re pissed.) To the dude that keeps leaving the toilet in the handicapped stall on the 4th floor covered in toilet paper and seat covers. You don’t have to come and confess, we lookin’ fo’ you. We gon’ find you, we gon’ find you. And when we do, I’m going to get some gloves and stuff all that shit under your door whenever you do it again. To my bitch ass cunt of a roommate, stop posting shit about me on your fucking twitter. Don’t whine about your problems because no one gives a fuck, you whiny ass bitch. You think I don’t read it, like seriously, WTF bitch? To the girl who drove in the wrong direction towards Neilsen, there was a Do Not Enter sign, I guess it wasn’t big enough to read, I love almost getting run over... thanks To the old ass lady on the H bus, please have someone give you a spongebath or something. The bus all the way and no one wanted to sit next to you. I hate saying this about old people, but you stink. (This is actually rather disturbing. Ewww.)
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011
INSPECTOR GADGET’S RULES FOR LIFE By Dr. K & Torgo Van Pelt
1. Remove The Batteries Before Taking A Shower. 2. Suspect Everyone Of Being A Mad Agent - Even Your Own Family. 3. If She Doesn’t Want To Show You Her Gizmo, Then You Have To Go Go, Gadget. No Means No. 4. Send Those Personals To The Medium Everyday!!! (Caution. These Rules Will Self Destruct In Ten Seconds...)
personals@themediumonline.com FROM THE DESK OF DR. K. Yo Rutgers! I don’t really have anything else to write, so I’ll talk about how K-PASA Day and the resulting weekend was wild as fuck!!! Some of the highlights: Shrimp and Brocoli 3 nights in a row, shitty mango juice in a mixed drink, smoking 3 cigarettes in one night and not copping an addiction, Jack and Coke NEVER AGAIN, “Be careful, don’t drop it” <crash>, Happy Birthday George and Tejas!!! Good times people. Really Good times.
Write
personals!
personals@themediumonline.com Real Advertisement
Wednesday, March the 2nd
PERSONALS “My cheerfulness is none of your goddamn business.”
BITCHIN’
MOAR BITCHIN’
CRAZY? PROLLY...
To my lazy-ass roommate; do the fucking dishes chief. They smelled like a Mexican hooker’s afterbirth that’s been sitting in a dumpster for 2 weeks. I literally almost vomited multiple times when I walked by the sink. So instead of getting your keyboards all sticky from jerking off to Survivor or whatever other cheesy reality show you watch on your computer, why don’t you clean the dishes so our apartment doesn’t smell like ass? To the guys who were randomly high 5ing each other on the LX, GO FUCK YOURSELVES!!! In that little tight ass space we have on the bus, save that shit until you, uh, idk leave the bus?? If one of ur elbows hit me again in mid-high 5, I’m gonna high 5 the back of ur fuckin head... HARD!!!! To the asshole who completely killed my happiness; Thanks for that. I feel way better, asshat. To the stupid guy complaining about the classy lady who complained about guys who say girls shouldn’t wear uggs with sweats: It does not matter what they are wearing as long as you can get them to take it off. (Can we stop it with this stupid fucking topic? People are going to keep wearing the. Just like ugly chicks and leggings.) To the bitch/bastard who pulled the damn alarm at the towers at 3:30am, FUCK YOU! I was in the DEEPEST SLEEP until that damn alarm scared the shit out of me! I’m just so angry that I had to jump out of bed to dress and go downstairs for no flipping reason, and having to go back after only 10 mins! I was scared now I’m pissed and I can’t sleep! Fuck YOU!!!” Dear stupid brownhaired girls...it’s true... sweatpants and uggs are lame as hell. Stop griping about it already. I am a fucking girl and I have a pair of uggs -- they actually aren’t that comfortable, they make my feet feel heavy! You’re out of excuses, now shut up and take off those hideous things.
To the two Asian and White guys who decided to stand instead of take a seat in the back of the empty F because there were two Black guys sitting on each side… LMFAO! C’mon! You painfully contemplated sitting down and uncomfortably glancing at them a few times. It totally made them, and me, smirk. Fucking wimps.”-- I REALLY LOVE THIS ONE! Personals editor, you’re being a sarcastic douche again and for this we thank you. this week, your comebacks and witty remarks were actually funny. i “lol’d.” kthx To my flintnapping TA: Why are you married?? Seriously, you are the man of my dreams. You are passionate, funny, smart and insanely cute! Every time I see you I can’t help undressing you with my eyes (partially because your sweaters are kinda dorky, but I still love’m). I would bang rocks with you any day! (Nothing says true love like a creepy proclamtion of love in the fucking Personals.) To the tiny, plump Asian girl on my floor: Bitching at your boyfriend for going to Hooters isn’t going to make him love you more. From someone who worked at Hooters, I highly doubt she wants your man, and by the look of you I can almost guarantee it. Go get some confidence and chill out. The last thing I want to hear while studying is your nasally man voice. To him, I’m wayyyaa outta your league boy. I only suck cocks that are crystal light in color. You think you can get me, puhhh. After you become a millionaire you colored boy. I only open my legs to CRYSTAL LIGHT, capish. :). Later sweetheart.
To that guy who let me pet his husky on Friday night, Thank you for tolerating our drunken cuddling of your dog! You’re a very nice person and being able to hug your puppy made my weekend :) (Dogs like when you cuddle them. Even when you are completely drunk off your ass. They don’t judge. They’re cool.) To the dumb bitch that responded to my personal about my chem class stfu. You dont know who I am, and you never will. I will pressurize your vag so hard that Le Chatelier himself will shit his pants. I will take your acidic face and turn it into a Brosnted base biotccchh. (Science, beoytch.) To Spicy Caramel, Every time I hear your name, I think of Snooki and the other short, orange Guidettes that stalk the beaches of New Jersey. (Sorry to disappoint you sugah, but I’m quite the opposite. I’m naturally pale, angry, and I wouldn’t be caught dead on the nasty fucking beaches in this hell hole.) Snooki is coming to Rutgers. I’m not kidding, I wish I was. Apparently this is for real. Facebook: turning dudes to divas. (Tell me about it. You have no idea the bullshit I have had to deal with on facebook. There is more drama than than a dorm full of gay men and someone has misplaced the hair dryer.) To the kid who got messed up Saturday night around 3. Wow dude, hold your liquor better, it’s kind of embarrassing seeing two RUPD cars and two ambulance show up for you. (Seriously? I’m a girl and I can even hold my liquor. Ha. N000b.) MG, The answer to the puzzle is: “I’ve grown certain that the root of all fear is that we’ve been forced to deny who we are. -Frances Moore Lappe”
(WTF are you talking about? People are not the color of a powdered drink mix. Retard.) To the people of Huntington; Shut the fuck up! If you ever honk again at 8 in the fucking morning, I will hunt you down and beat you. Sincerely, your neighbors.
I love you Simba!
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FOR REALS.
CLASSES
“To the guy at DU saturday night: I thought it was really cute how you asked me if I would like to dance! You’re such a gentleman, much better than those guys who just pull me into a grind! I really like you and hope to see you again- girl with the glasses” So we all know that females do a lot of things to look good for either themselves or a man. But where should they draw the line! I will say this only once! Girls please do not wear heels if you cannot walk in them. You look absolutely horrible. I feel ashamed for you -_(Nothing is sexier than a chick who is wobbling all over College Ave like a fucking Weeble.) Hey skateboard dude, look before you skate or else you’ll see the bus coming to run you over. Just a word of courtesy. To PTB; I have dreams about my friends and I going over to your house...which is probably more women then you’ll ever have around you in your life. (This is just really, really creepy and scary...) Dear Scott Pilgrim Fan, I see that you have made a valid point and that you are a reasonably intelligent person. I apologize for sounding too brusque in my personal, I was only joking around. I want to put this all behind us and pretend that it never happened. No hard feelings :) To the stankass kid who decided to gingerly lean on me while on the rexL: Did u just shit yourself? No really. That can’t be a fart. You just shit yourself. (They sharted. Haha.) To Highland Park; Fuck you. Just, fuck you. That is all.
To the dude in my probability class that, I swear, sounds like a girl. Please stop asking the professor questions that are irrelevant to the topic at hand. That little gem you had about disregarding inflation when we were discussing the modified prisoner’s dilemma problem on Wednesday made me want to just stop going to class all together. America! Fuck yeah! To the guy who responded to my request for notes by saying that it was none of his business but if he was me, he would attend the next class FUCK OFF AND GO TO HELL. You should have gone with your first insticts and kept your mouth shut you prick. Not only do you not know me, but you don’t even know why I missed class you fucking moron! And since “nonetheless [you] don’t have the notes,” you are, nonetheless, a fucking asswhole prick bastard who will probably have a wife who cheats on him because you can’t keep it up long enough. To the guy in my Fem Theory class with the light hair and the glasses; I just thought that I should let you know that I don’t skip because of you on Mondays and Wednesdays. To the silent treatment; Thanks. You have provided with me with a lot of help this semester.
Send in your personals to me at personals@themediumonline.com. The pale ninja compels you to.
WHAT’S SHAKIN’ “You go, girl.”
Stay tuned for more fun and games in the upcoming weeks. STEPPING IN GOOSE SHIT Submitted by Bon ‘QuiQui So I found this little newsletter crumpled up in the grass by the Hill Center. Covered in some fresh, steaming goose shit. What possessed me to pick it up, I’ll never know, but at least now we know why the geese have infiltrated the campus. They’re obviously pre-gaming! How did they even organize this? I think RUPA had something to do with it. Fucking RUPA. Regardless, if there’s free food and Grey Goose at the event, I’m in.
HEY ALL YOU GEESE!!! We
have some pretty exciting news for all of you today. Prepare to ruffle your feathers because you’ll be all over this!
ed across the street from the Werblin Recreation Center on the athletic field). You won’t wanna miss this once in a lifetime opportunity!
You probably all already know this, seeing as how you’re our most dedicated fans, but that doesn’t mean we can’t go goose over it! GeeseCon is returning to Rutgers for 2011!!! And boy, do we have some amazing surprises in store for all of our fowl friends!
Now for some even more exciting news! With special funding from the Geese International Foundation (GIF), as well as generous donations from President Geese himself, we are very happy to announce that GeeseCon ‘11 will be at Rutgers for a whole extra week! We have tons of amazing events planned for everyone to enjoy, so be sure to extend your reservations! It’s important to note that there is still some vacant grass on Busch and Douglass if you have not yet made a reservation.
It has been announced that GeeseCon President Howard Geese has been scheduled to make an appearance for three consecutive days at our beloved convention! During his visit, he will be lecturing us on new ways to make tasks, like driving, even more difficult for humans. Remember, his presentations are for V.I.P passholders only! If you only have a general admission pass, you may want to consider upgrading to a V.I.P pass at the Guest Relations desk at the convention (locat-
Finally, we wanted to take this moment to thank all of you wonderful geese for supporting GeeseCon. None of this would not be possible if you weren’t for you! Yes YOU! -GeeseCon ‘11 Staff
RUTGERS EVENT PLANNER
Looking for something to do that doesn’t end in a hangover, abortion, marriage, or all of the above? Try checking out some of these fun campus events... Bus Trip to TOYS R US Why the fuck didn’t we do this in grade school? I wonder if they still host Pokemon card battles... Time: Friday, 8:45 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. Place: Career Services, Bldg. 1, CA Can They Do That? Judging by the title, not really sure? Can they? Why don’t you go and find out. Then e-mail me and tell me what the hell is going on! Time/Place: Monday, 6 p.m., Labor Education Center, Cook Campus Free Hot Air Balloon Rides! / Sunday @ Noon / Rutgers Stadium To welcome the arrival of the Spring air, the first 100 students to arrive and sign in by Gate 6 will be given an aerial tour of Jersey. Everyone stop hating on James Franco, he helped save Tobey Maguire from Topher Grace! events@themediumonline.com
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
STUDENT OF THE WEEK
Name: Jovanni Innocent Year: Sophomore Major: Criminal Justice Job: Professional Badass Resides: Off-Campus Lounge Food: Lasagna Drink: Only at Rutgersfest Sports: Basketball (no shit.) Interests: Siberian huskies, obnoxious girlfriend, the height of 6”2”, honesty, hot places, working out, talking to everyone (he literally knows everyone, even you!)
I’ll Try Not to Make Any Black Jokes Jovanni is a complete BEAST. Besides training with Lebron James on a daily basis, he has been seen cutting trees in half with his feet. This mixed martial arts specialist can definitely kick my ass and probably your ass too. He’s the perfect man to have in law enforcement and on the court. He currently still plays basketball with a torn MCL and a sprained crucial ligament of some sort. However, he’s still human and desperately needs a vacation. Someone please take him to the Jersey shore, he’s never been before. Then maybe buy him a pet lion, not a cat, a lion! “I hate cats...they eat you when you’re dead.”
GOING IN S N A K E A Different Commuter’s Take on Rutgers
Wow, so apparently we have two commuters on the Medium staff! It does suck, yes, but it’s not as bad as you think. And this is coming from a person who has lived in on-campus housing on two separate occasions. I live out west in Readington in eastern Hunterdon County. It’s a simple commute; I just take Route 22 East or 202 North to 22 East, then 287 South to Exit 8, and I’m practically there. Yes, I live further off campus than Shaniak (from Woodbridge) but I get the bonus of less traffic. But as with every commute, there are problems. For one, there’s that merge between 22 West and 287 South. It compresses quick and requires an extreme “heads up” during busy periods. Also, I try to give myself an hour but I’m getting lazier, so I’ve been giving myself 30-40 minutes recently. That, combined with the crazy lights on Hoes Lane (where it’s either all green or all red) and parking further and further away on Livingston, due to construction, can lead to frustrating mornings. However, I’ve learned to adapt a little. I just hang out
The Oscars Not Shown On Televison
on campus all day if possible instead of going back. Saves on gas, as well as my sanity from going back and forth. And thanks to commuting, I now know all the good lots for certain events and I know the back ways for hoops (north entrance on Suttons Lane) and football games (just park in the lot behind the College Ave student center). Yet, there is one big problem: I am severely hampered in my need to drink after class. I love to drink locally and there’s one or two places nearby in Somerville and Raritan that I’m cool with but they don’t hold a flame to the awesome-ness that is New Brunswick bars. Unfortunately, I can’t get sloshed in the city though. I’m forced to limit and carefully track my drinking because I really don’t fucking want a suspended license. So, yeah, I’m counting the days until I graduate and I can support myself with my own place. But at least I don’t go all the way from Lambertville, like one of my friends. Nice town on the Delaware River, and I love me some River Horse beer. But one hour from that canal enclave to Hub City? I don’t think so.
Best Nation Great Britain
Best Accent British
Best Government Best Anthem Parliament
God Save the Queen
Best Supporting Nation Australia
Clearly, the United Kingdom is superior in all categories of film. Long live Tony Blair.