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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly
Volume xli Issue xvIX
50¢
MARCH 9th, 2011
BALLIN'
PILE OF MONEY TO PLAY FOR KNICKS BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
HALF COURT—With the recent acquisition of Carmelo Anthony, fans of the New York Knicks were very excited about the future. Combined with the offseason acquisition of Amare Stoudemire, the team looked prime for a deep playoff run. Unfortunately, taking on this new salary has led to some cutbacks elsewhere, such as on the court with their new starting center, a pile of $8.4 million dollars. After the trade for Anthony, trades and releases led to a huge hole in the middle. Fortunately, a solution was lying in the Knicks office. “We just had it lying around my desk,” explained Knicks owner James Dolan, “And we figured, ‘Hey, why not put this money to good use?’” Problems with this strategy were revealed in last Friday’s loss to Cleveland though. The pile had no mobility whatsoever, and it had hands of stone. Furthermore, it did little in stopping Antwan Jamison, who went wild scoring 28 with 13 rebounds. Furthermore, others in the organization are angry with the
Air Force Unintentionally Launches Unmanned Spacecraft "Dear God, what's Johnson doing over in the bathroom?! Said Air Force Deputy Richard McKinney as the unmanned rocket roared across the Cape Canaveral skyline last Saturday.
Jersey Tomato Vending Machine Still has some Kinks "Damn! It went splat AGAIN!" Said disgruntled accountant James Guiles.
DON'T TELL THE NFL! It may take a while to find a uniform that fits... deal. “This has Isiah Thomas’s fingers all over it, usurping my authority,” complained Knicks President Donnie Walsh, “Furthermore, they overpaid for the pile. I would’ve only given him the league minimum.” Despite all this, the Knicks are still thrilled. “Look at how many charges this pile drew,” noted head coach Mike D’Antoni, “He didn’t move his feet one bit.” There’s also the benefits fi-
SPONSORED AD
WOMEN'S LOSS TO UCONN ATTRIBUTED TO BAT BOY BY DEVON MCCLAINE CONTRIBUTING WRITER
CONNECTICUT—Despite a large amount of effort on the part of the majority of the Rutgers Women's Basketball team, the team still suffered a loss. This loss, in the semifinals of the Big East Tournament, was due in part to the sportsmanship of a new recruit simply known as "Bat Boy." "I was so upset to hear that we lost," said student Mark Piltz. "I mean, why is a boy playing on the team? Let alone a bat boy." A musical, based on the story of the mysterious boy, who also prefers to be called "Edgar" will be presented by the College Avenue Players March 25th and 26th as well as April 1st and
NEWS QUICKIES
nancially. “The cap hit is much cheaper than our previous big man. We save $4 million,” beamed Dolan, “Even better, his contract expires after the year, freeing up space to go after Chris Paul.” In the meantime, the Knicks are looking at starting other inanimate objects. According to Zagsblog.com, the team is currently scouting a MetroCard machine in Penn Station to play at the 2.
"We've confirmed that drinking from Katy Perry's miraculous jugs will help give you a very strong bone-no wait, backtrack... Give you very strong bones," said FDA spokesman Don Santos.
ALL WASHED UP
Band Playing Basement Show Overshadowed by Water Heater, Washing Machine BY BULLSHIT BINGO STAFF WRITER
2nd in Scott Hall 135. Tickets for students will be $5 and General Admission will be $8. The preceding article was a paid advertisement for "Bat Boy: The Musical." It does not represent the views or opinions of The Medium staff, except that this musical is going to be awesome. www.collegeaveplayers.com
FDA Labels Katy Perry's Breast Milk as "Most Nutritious"
HAMILTON ST.—Local band "The Morons" were dismayed to find their recent set at a local basement show, 30 minutes of breathless and melodic punk rock, overshadowed by a riveting, emotionally engaging performance by the in-house water heater and washing machine. At first things seemed to be going well for the young band. The crowd broke from their conversations with growing interest as they went through a quick sound check. Yet as soon as they launched into their first song, “Everything Should Die,” the washing machine kicked on,
Quick as a Whip...
ESTABLISHED 1970
drawing everyone’s full attention to the beginning light spin cycle of apparently unsorted colors and whites. “It was incredible,” one attendee commented. “The visceral thrashing of the wash cycle, the thumping, pounding intensity of the dryer – it really spoke to me as social commentary. There was something raw, primal, and so fascinating about the tonal complexity of these automated machines, and what they have to say about human nature.” The performance then moved onto the water heater, which began hissing and trembling as it struggled to maintain warm ...continued on Page 2
THE MEDIUM
NEWS "My glasses aren't on..."
Wednesday, March 9th, 2011
WHEN FAT IS JUSTIFIED
ATHLETE EXCHANGE PROGRAM BRINGS SUMO WRESTLING TO RUTGERS BY CAPTAIN A.S. BIGELS CONTRIBUTING WRITER
BUSCH—The recent success of the Rutgers Wrestling Team has earned them some international attention. University of Tokyo athletic officials recently contacted Rutgers Athletic Directory Tim Pernetti about an exchange program. As part of the program, The University of Tokyo has sent over five traditional Japanese sumo wrestlers to train with the Scarlet Knight’s wrestling team and to get a Rutgers education. The sumo wrestlers have had some difficulty acculturating to Rutgers life. An estimated 52 lecture hall chairs have needed to be replaced due to the immense pressure placed on them. Spare seats in the back of the rooms marked “相撲は猫を食 べる” which roughly translates
to “Sumo Students Only,” have been installed in order to accommodate the athletes. The new student athletes are living on the Busch Campus, and unlike other students, they are very happy to live there. Athletic Director Tim Pernetti stated, “We decided to place them on Busch. Its reputation as the campus with the best dining hall really fit their needs and the Sumo wrestlers have fit in well with the demographics of the other students we place on the campus.” The Sumo Wrestlers have been given special exemption from the classroom dress code so that they can wear their traditional one piece uniform. One classmate noted, “It’s a little uncomfortable seeing such a large man in class wearing only something that resembles a diaper, but I have seen ugly ‘so-
YO MAMA-SAN'S SO FAT... rorstitutes’ come to class in less clothes, so I guess it’s not that big of a deal.” The sumo wrestlers are ex-
pected to make their second appearance next week at the RAC after smothering their opponents at West Virginia.
NOT FAT
WHEN FAT IS...STILL JUSTIFIED
Notorious Heart Attack Grill to Crazy College Ave Conspiracy Compete with Grease Trucks Guy actually just David Bowie for Most Fat-Laden Sandwich BY IGNORAMUS THE 3RD STAFF WRITER
BY THE KILLA WHALE AND E.C. BLOOD'N'GUTS STAFF WRITERS
NEW "FATS"SWICK — Grease Trucks spokesman Brian McHugh announced yesterday at a press conference that the Rutgers icon will soon be going head to head with the Arizonabased Heart Attack Grill to devise the fattiest, fat sandwich in the country. McHugh said that, should the Heart Attack Grill prove successful, they hope to open a location on campus and offer students a new option for the Friday night munchies. In addition, there are rumors that they may name some items after RU personalities, such as the McCormick Fat Wrap and Schiano Salad. The Grease Trucks owners have plans to actually drive their fat purveying vehicles cross country to offer the country a chance at greasy, taste-bud glory, and an earlier death.
S U B M I T
President McCormick has been said to be very enthused about the promotion, believing it will continue the Rutgers tradition of shamelessly riding on the success of its associates. Sophomore Jaime Wilson, however, does not believe Rutgers needed to run a promotion with a fast food chain, and believes that the university should focus on improving the health of its students. “I can’t afford to gain any more weight!” Said Wilson. “My boyfriend already makes me do crunches!”
C O N T E N T
Editorial Staff Spring 2011
F
The Grease Truck's latest sandwich, the "Fat Fattie"
T O
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
COLLEGE AVE—Warmer weather has brought the usual the College Ave protesters out in full blaze, including that guy who wears tin foil on his head to “Avoid government intervention of his thoughts.” When asked why he was jumping around with a massive wad of tin foil strapped to his head, yelling complete gibberish, he stated “There's a star man waiting in the sky, he'd like to come and meet us, but he thinks he'd blow our minds, he's told us not BASEMENT continued from front water for one resident who was currently showering. “This is the most avant-garde, innovative art installation I have ever been a part of. This, I think, is the future – forcing us to look at the things around us in a meaningful context. Ultimately, what is the significance of the commonplace, the overlooked infrastructure of our lives, and
to blow it cause he knows it's all worthwhile.” Then he mumbled something about a man selling the entire world, and some guy named “Major Tom”. the way these machines tell us about this through their sound – the fury of it all just bubbling under the surface.” “I haven’t heard anything like this since all the pots and pans fell out of the cabinet when I was fucked up last night.” The Morons, not to be outdone, have added a refrigerator to their lineup. “Just wait until it hums,” the drummer added.
T H E M E D I U M W A N T S Y O U @ G M A I L . C O M
Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson
News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Webmaster Secretary Douche Faculty Advisor
Kenneth Brooks Shane Whelan Steve Troulis Kenneth Brooks John Eberhardt Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue would be dedicated to passive aggressive behavior. But I don't want to get in anyone's face about it.
FEATURES
Wednesday March 9th, 2011
“There’s got to be a morning after....” BROADWAY REVIEW
The Book of Mormon: The Musical
THE MEDIUM
A CHART ABOUT CHARTS
By Dr. DreHood, Staff Mile High Clubber
Performance Schedule: Beginning February 24: Monday through Saturday at 8:00 PM, with matinee on Saturday at 2:00 PM.
Beginning March 28: Tuesday through Thursday at 7:00 PM, Friday at 8:00 PM, Saturday at 2:00 and 8:00 PM, Sunday at 2:00 and 7:00 PM.
5/5 Stars
Beginning May 30: Tuesday through Thursday at 7:00 PM, Friday at 3:00 PM & 8:00 PM, Saturday at 2:00 PM and 8:00 PM, Sunday at 3:00 PM.
Reviewed by Russian Mail-Order Bride, Features Editor make fun of Mormons and their bizarre practices. So Monday, February 28th, 2011 was the first time I’ve ever enjoyed watching a musical. It was hysterical, and dare I say, utterly brilliant. I won’t spill any details about the plot, but I would like to share some notable highlights of this masterpiece: --Jesus talks like Cartman --”Fuck You God” song sung in Bantu --”I’m a Mormon, I believe that in 1978 God changed his mind about black people” I encourage everyone to go see “The Book of Mormon”; it’s well worth the $60. I’m serious you guys.
McCORMICK SHOOP
Let me begin by saying that I fucking hate musicals with a firey, burning passion. I hated the assholes who were in the musicals in high school and thought they were better than everyone else. I’m still traumatized by the disgusting, creepy, over-the-top outfits from when my grandmother forced me to watch ‘Cats’ as a child. Most of all, I loathe the cheezy pieces of shit they call repertoire. All this being said, the second I heard that Trey Parker and Matt Stone were making a Broadway musical about Mormons, I purchased tickets for the first preview show I could possibly get to. All of us diehard South Park fans are aware of how wonderfully these guys
CUTE THING: FATTY CHAD SEAL
“Soooomedayy, Soomehoooww! We’re gonna make it alright but not right now...”
Submit to features@themediumonline.com
ROMANTIC SUPPORT
The Feminine Finger Man: Tale of a Turn-Off By Ruby Easton, Contributing Writer
Turn-offs are a prominent factor in one’s choice in mating and often vary anywhere between the color of one’s hair, to one’s shoes! And it comes as no surprise that many Rutgers students have admitted to owning some pretty shocking turn-offs. This is a recent tale of a friend, let’s call her Kate, who really liked this guy, let’s call him Tim. He was so genuine, so loving and kind; he wanted to forever please her in bed. However, Kate had a huge problem with Tim, a problem she could not change, a problem that caught all of her attention! This problem was with his fingers. No, it had nothing to do with the way he fingered her (he did that just fine,) and in many ways was what a woman would call a “professional,” it was just that Kate’s eyes could not stray from his fingers; his unfortunate, dreadful, horrifying, and appalling feminine fingers. Long and skinny were his fingers, not a morsel of hair to be found, his nails so clean and perfect as if he had just returned from getting a manicure. His feminine fingers began to receive all of her attention and the ways in which they turned her off were immeasurable. When he stroked her hand, the sensation was that of a woman’s hand touching her (and last time she checked, she was straight)
MEDIUM WORD OF THE WEEK
This was especially difficult for Kate, because she was truly trying to like him, but his feminine finger crisis caused Kate great difficulty. K a t e did not know w h a t to do! What w a s there to do in this situation? Such a compelling question whose answer I wish to entertain you with. Every individual has certain characteristics that they find a turn-off in others, they range from bad B.O, short finger nails, hairy legs, and bad hair, to sexual turn-offs such as what they say in bed to the way they give oral sex. I asked some Rutgers students what some of their unusual turn-offs were and this is what I was told- Turn-offs in a girl: big gums, wide smile, crooked teeth, and not eating. Turn-offs in a guy: premature ejaculation, socks with sandals, bad breath, ear hair, and dirty hands. I believe we have the power to overcome the aggravating feelings that our turn-offs have within us and begin to judge our mating partners with more ease, allowing for more exciting sexual endeavors.
The Boyfriend Lock: A devious maneuver employed by a female for the sole purpose of locking in a boyfriend. Usually involved are pregnancy “scares,” or the taking of one’s virginity.
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED “Quote that is less funny out of context.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
Thanks For Forgetting About the Whole “Rape” Thing BY KOBE BRYANT
W o w . I truly h a v e some of the best fans in the entire world of sports. They support me at every home game, cheer for me, and have almost completely forgotten about the time I raped that girl in 2003. Everyone has buried it so deep in history, even I don’t remember when it happened. Had to be the early 2000’s because I know I was still wearing #8. All I can remember about that time is that I had to drop a dime on gifts for my wife. Those gigantic purple rings don’t buy themselves. On that note, my beautiful wife deserves a shout out too. Vanessa has stood by me through some of the most difficult situations in my life. I can count on her to be my rock through thick and thin. Whether it’s having a tough game or being accused of sexual
Arts has the date ---->
assault, she has never left my side. Though she probably should have. Ever since my days playing ball in high school, I dreamed of making it to the NBA where I could get away with the most heinous of crimes, and make my name as one of the top players.
“Everyone has buried it so deep in history, I don’t even remember when it happened.” It’s been a tough road since setting those goals for myself, but it’s the fans who have gotten me to the top. They’re the ones who don’t care if you run a dog fighting ring, or shoot someone in a crowded club. I’ve had a great season so far. The Lakers are in first place in our division, my scoring is steady, and I’ve been passing the ball around
the ball like a good teammate. Sure, I’ve gotten some criticism lately from the coach about my play calling. Would I rather have that in the press or stories about assaulting women? Yeah, it’s an easy choice. After bringing home 2 more championships to the city of Los Angeles since the incident, it’s nice to see no one will dig too far into my personal life anymore. It’s almost...odd how you’ve all forgotten. I mean, does anyone even care? I’m carrying around sexual assault charges. I cheated on my wife and got the story on every national newspaper. The entire thing has it’s own Wikipedia page. I guess I should just count my blessings and thank the fans for their ability to look the other way. Kobe Bryant is a shooting guard for the Los Angeles Lakers. He raped a girl.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Smoking is the Most Dangerous Habit to Pick Up
BY MICHAEL WILLIS, AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY I believe a collection of educated college students don’t need to be re-taught all the information they learned about the negative side effects of smoking. It is the biggest source of preventable mortality in the country and in the world. In 2010, tobacco killed more than 6 millions people world wide. 440,000 Americans each year die from complications related to smoking. That’s 1,200 people every day. Smoking can lead to health problems like lung cancer, emphysema, bronchitis, and even heart attacks, or strokes. $150 Billion is spent on health care costs associated with tobacco related illnesses. I understand that you may have many friends who smoke, and they brush off the apparent risks, but cigarettes are incredibly dangerous. You may not realize it now but in a few years your health will be at risk. Remember that life continues after college and you can enjoy it much more if you’re healthy.
But it Makes Me Look So Cool! BY BRENT HUTCHINS, COOL PERSON When I stand outside Scott Hall in my polo with a boge, people look at me. They see a person in control of their life and someone who likes to have fun. At parties, I go outside to smoke and all these cute girls come up to me asking for a light or a spare cigarette. How awesome is that? These are chicks that wouldn’t talk to me otherwise, and now I have a gateway into conversation! Also, that first cigarette you have in the morning feels fucking awesome. That’s the thing they don’t tell you in school. It makes you feel all nice inside and shit. And don’t forget when Halloween comes around you can accurately portray many characters from movies that smoke, like Don Draper from Mad Men. Otherwise, you look like some prick in a suit.
ADVICE
Ask Charlie Sheen Charlie Sheen is a Golden Globe winning actor whose advice column, Ask Charlie Sheen, is reprinted in over 100 newspapers in the country.
Dear Charlie Sheen, I just failed another exam and am thinking of dropping out of school entirely, wasting every penny I have to move to LA, and work as a waiter at Red Lobster while trying to land an acting job – Is this a good idea? How did you make it big? -Big City Dreamer I exposed people to magic. I’m rolling out magic, bro. You’ve been given magic. You’ve been given gold. Of course you’re gnarly. You’re talking to me. I’m not ‘aw shucks’ - Because I’m gnarly. Get back in the game dude, the scoreboard doesn’t lie, never has. Get over here and enjoy the ride, bro. We’re starting to win Get a job. You got work to do bro - Work fuels the soul. Me, I’m just going to sail across the winds of the universe with my goddesses. Sorry my life is so much more bitchin’ than yours. I planned it that way. Dear Charlie Sheen, My girlfriend just broke up with me, and I’m feeling pretty down. I really resent her, she’s sleeping with my roommate now. My addiction to cigarettes is acting up again too – I feel like I can’t do anything to feel better. Advice? -Heartbroken in Hoboken Can’t is the cancer of happen. Sorry man, didn’t make the rules. The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning. You should have read the directions before you showed up at the party - If people could just read behind the hieroglyphic. Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my sabre. You deserve better, I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total, bitchin’ rock star from Mars and so should you.
Like to be funny? Come to our meetings! Wednesdays, 8PM Rutgers Student Center Room 410 This could be your future:
ARTS
Wednesday, March 9th, 2009
“There’s room for your dark passenger in the Dodge Challenger.”
TARTS
CARTS
CHARTS
DARTS
HEARTS
MARTS
PARTS
THE MEDIUM
THE MED!UM
PERS(*)NALS “C is for cocaine, that’s good enough for me.”
FINE DINING
BUS TRUST
To the chicks singing High school musical and hillary duff in the Busch Dining hall, that was hilarious, keep on keepin on yo! (Its official. Busch is becoming retarted.) To my grilled chicken sandwich from Brower takeout. I want you inside of me, now. Yes, oh yes, oh yes. (Is anyone else visualizing a piece of grilled chicken releasing brothy skeet all over this person? No? Fuck you. NEXT.)
So this guy on the EE decided that he’d use my bookbag to stay balnced. What type of shit is that? (So sad for you. Anyway...)
Guy at busch dining hall who handed me a plate in the cheesesteak line and walked off smiling saying bon appetiet... ur cute. i hope i see you around more <3 (How cute.) To the asshole in the green jacket who ran up to the window at busch dining hall and banged on it to scare us. i hope you and your friends die. (A little harsh, you think? Stop being a teeny weeny little pussy and expect college students to be college students.) To the tall fat black guy who like almost knocked me and my boyfriend over at the brower salad bar... was your salad that fuckin’ good that it was worth my boyfriend almost knocking the shit out of you? (There’s a lot of almost here. was this like a hypothetical situation or did it really happen?) To the skinny little bitch that walked in and cut in front of me in neilson takeout line by jumping in with her friend. I’m not mad at you at all, you and her both look like you need to eat something. (I feel like this is the first time I ‘ve ever seen someone write about a skinny person when it comes to food...) To the Busch Campus Burger King - Your prices are way too high for your food to be too little quality. Get a REAL value menu or something. To the student Brower guy who I always see walking aimlessly. Clean a table or something. Shit’s dirty.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Black chick with the purple hat on the F Bus – what the fuck are you carrying in your pocketbook. You hit in the head with it when you passed by and I’m pretty sure I saw Jesus Christ. You’re excused, by the way. To the wack ass asian and indian people on the LXc, why you always lookin’ mad serious and depressed. Sorry you have only one bus that takes you home, but damn. Show some fuckin’ enthusiasm for life. To the drunk guy on the H bus last Thursday. You were fuckin’ hilarious. Your friends must love being around you when you’re schwasted. (As an authority on hilarity, I reject your opinion, and challenge you and him to prove it.) To the dick of the guy standing in front of me as I sit down on the bus. DAMMMMM. I’d trade my brand new vibrator for that shit in me now. I’m debating sending a picture e-mail to the personals to see this bulge. (She – or he – didn’t. Thank God.) Fat man on the LX. MOVE out of the way. Other people need to get on.
NUTS ... NOT THE EDIBLE KIND To my stupid cunt roommate: My boyfriend rubbed your toothbrush on his balls. I hope that didn’t ‘inconvenience’ you, you dumb slut. Can’t wait to read about this in your diary! xoxoxo! (Wow, you’re fuckin’ sick. I hope his balls were clean at least, but you’re still fuckin’ sick.) To my hipster TA. No one likes you. End of story. We’re all silent because you’re a fucking pretentious ass-tard. You probably needs an intravenous drip of naked juice or else you will die of starvation. Once again no one likes you. Thats right even the classroom door doesn’t like you. Do us all a favor and cut your vocal chords out. To all the girls that like to show their bare midriffs...PLEASE COVER YOUR STOMACHS IF YOU’RE FAT!!! no one wants to see those cinnamon rolls when you sit down....Hit that stairmaster! To the girl in the neon green jacket and baller earmuffs: i always stare at your ass when you wear those legging pants. for a white girl, your ass is RIDICULOUS. i would gladly hit that. To the guy who made me trip and fall on the way out of the SAC convenience store. Pick up your fucking bookbag.
YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME? YOU THINK THIS IS SOMETHING TO MESS WITH? JOIN THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ MEDIUM BITCH!
8:00 PM RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER 410 FROM THE DESK OF DR. K. Hello Readers, So we’ve noticed that the personals frequently gets a lot of cutesy-wootsey e-mails from people who they want to talk to, but don’t have the ballsack to do so. We publish them from time to time as a relief from all the angry people, but out of curiosity, have any of you ever actually found that love via the personals? Let us know at our e-mail. If you didn’t, send us some personals anyway.
ANOTHER RANDOM FEW PERSONALS!!! :-P To the guy that ran into my infant and child development class on monday wearing a diaper and holding a rattle- why did you run in the middle of my class crying and screaming? Gotta say that was fucking funny as shit! (Fraternity pledges... the only people in the world that would pay thousands of dollars a year to look like idiots.)
Mother Goose Facts
1. When Jack And Jill Went Up That Hill, It Wasn’t For Water. 2. No One Asked The Black Sheep For Wool. They Just Took It. 3. I Did Not Diddle My Son John’s Dumpling When He Went To Bed. 4. Humpty Dumpty Is Currently Being Treated For Depression After His Attempted Suicide. 5. Old King Cole Was A Merry Old Soul, Until He Got Lung Cancer From Smoking A Pipe. 6. Hickory Dickory Dock, Send Personals Or Suck My... Clock.
themediumwantsyou@gmail.com THAT’S NICE...
MY MILKSHAKE
Dear random kid who approached me on the steps of Hickman last week, Thank you for complimenting my hair and giving me “I<3You” peeps. It was the frosting on an already delightful day. I am glad to see evidence that strangers can be nice.
This 1 is 4 all da rude ass bitchez that be hatin on me. Yall know good and fucking well I can get any man, so don’t you be looking at me criticizing me because I dress the way I want to dress. I can run circles all around your bitch asses, which all yall are cuz yall don’t say shit to my face but i caught on to how yall talk behind my back and all i gotta say is fuck all y’all, real fuckin talk.
(Is it a normal practice for you to take candy from random strangers who compliment you for looking pretty?) To the guy outside of Kilmer library, thanks for coming over to offer assistance when you saw me fixing my bike wheel. I’ve had to do on the spot repairs so many times, and people just walk around me. (I feel so inspired ... to call you an IDIOT. WHY should anyone help you if your bike keeps breaking? Get a new fucking bike, and you won’t need any help.)
themediumwantsyou@gmail.com
- Dr. K.
To the brunette and the blond singing Breaking free on sunday morning, you two were a pretty cute couple if ya know what i mean ;)... bad singers, but a cute couple To the bitch in my general psychology class. You are the fuckin’ poster child for soroity whores. No one needs to know about how you went black and never went bacck. (Hmmmmm... Well uhhh... empty space.)
To the lady at Brower Takeout. Hearing you rip on the rude ass skater dude in line in front of me in line made my day.
(You go girl. Acknowledging possibility that this is a male for political correctness. Done.) I hope you know what he has, because if not you’re going to have a very sad life ahead. Thanks for stealing my boyfriend, bitch. (If its an STD that he has, I’m gonna just say right now you’re fucked up if you’re really wishing that on her. If its a pony, how adorable!) I can get your woman anyday ni(nj)a. (Is this directed at me, cuz if so, you’re gonna have to do it using Inception.)
PERSONALS
The day I am leaving for Florida BITCHES.
“No seriously, you’re mentally punching me in the face.” BITCHIN’
MOAR BITCHIN’
CRAZY? PROLLY...
Hey you, yeah you reading this. guess what?... You just lost the game. Don’t feel too bad, so did I. (Yeah, and no one cares, because you’d probably still be a loser anyway.) Hey bitches singing in BDH, shut the fuck up, if I wanted to hear bad singing I would have gone to the Busch beach bonanza talent show. Let me eat my meal in peace goddamnit! To the chicks singing High school musical and hillary duff in the Busch dining hall, that was hilarious, keep on keepin on yo!
“To my Poopy friend, In case you haven’t heard, College Ave is about a mile long. There’s no need to back up while driving. So thank you for running me over after that nice sushi date you took me on because I really didn’t see that coming. You HIT me with a CAR. You are lucky I find your Irritable Bowel Disease hilarious.” (Irritable bowels are in fact, actually very hilarious.) To the person who made the Allen Hall staircase smell like poopie, WHAT THE HELL! you litterally had to deficate in that staircase to make it smell that bad. next time you cant make it to the bathroom please aim for the bushes... or Mattia. To the person who gave a man head on the bus. thank you for popping my porno cherry in the most personal way possible... in person. it was really great that this happened on the most packed Weekend 1 bus in the entire universe, it was even better that my body was being thrusted in your general direction by all the drunks pushing me. What a great night. Standing next to religious fanatics make me want to get my headphones, wait I don’t have em! FUCK!!!!! TO THE BEEFCAKE BRO I SAW PUSH HIS GIRLFRIEND ON THE CORNER OF HAMILTON AND HIGH ST: FUCK YOU. listen: just because you are ashamed of your homo-erotic tendencies doesn’t mean that after you drown your sorrows in keg beer that you are allowed to take out your rage on anyone else, especially A GIRL SO MUCH SMALLER THAN YOU. YOU ARE A DISGRACE. good luck with your business degree LOLOL To the old women in the college ave student center, please stop cackling you are so fucking loud and annoying. Also do not wear so much perfume as it does not mix well with the smell of moth balls. Now I have to move. I’m so lonely living on Cook. Won’t somebody be my friend? Take you to da movies...
Pretty P, you’re so pretty...and one day, you’ll be mine. To the dude chanting “I snort crack off my crack” on the A-bus: Jesus dude, you loose a bet or something? (No...in fact, I think he just may be an attention whore because you know, we totally don’t have enough of those at Rutgers.) To the nice little ginger man; I think you are really, really nice, but that is all. So sorry about that. Standing next to religious fanatics make me want to get my headphones, wait I don’t have em! FUCK!!!!! (That is because God is smiting you...I think. Is it smite? Smote? Smoted?) Don’t carry around flimsy plastic water bottles. REAL MEN use water bottles of STEEL! To the girl on the bus who collects Arab horses: Marhaban! Les a ana saeeda liani you exist. While you collect your horses wa facat horses arab, huna bint wa ibin that are starving to death because you have so much fuluz. You are very lucky les a throw up on you. Masalama ho, al closet Arabic speaker I’m out in da club and I’m sippin that tap and you not gonna bottled water no. To dat sexay gurl from take back da tap: Not only are you like da da dayummmmmmmmmmmm gurllll wit yo lime green wata bottul drinkin da tap wata cause you think it shud b friiii, but dayumm eyed like to cu wit tap wata all ova ;) I’d tap dat qt
(Apparently, this is THE MOST EXCITING THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED AT THE BUSCH DINING HALL!!!) To the guy who thought it was appropriate to shave his pubes in the clothier 7th floor bathroom. Sir, have you no class. Hahahahahahahahaha. The Miami Heat suck. To the kid who was telling me that Charlie Sheen is a dead-beat loser who sums up everything wrong with adults. Sorry. Charlie is having the single greatest run ever. Who doesn’t love some good blow and a gangbang with some pornstars. WINNER To the kid who got onepunched by my friend. DAAAAAAMNN. You got knocked the fuck out. If you are gonna step up on someone, make sure you can throwdown. Dear RUPA, Why is your organization filled with such ugly bitches. 98% of you are ugly. It would be one thing if you were nice and ugly because then people wouldn’t hate you, but luckily we have ugly ass bitches running every fucking event at Rutgers. For example, i went to the buried life event and you left us out in that hot ass room and then after rushed us to take blurry pictures with the guys and I watched one of your whale friends rip a poster out of some kids hand that he had just gotten signed. Hi. This personal is about you because I really miss you and I am actually very, very sad. Sorry :(
From da man wit da zeeeeebra yo. Tonight I feel like Texas...because I am fucking huge. To my housemate, stop it. You know what is right and important. Lets drop all of this and concentrate. Let life run its own course. I’m heading back to my stuffs or I will be eaten alive. :( To Addrall, you are making me so horny. I can’t stop. lololol OMG free space free space free space!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE MEDIUM
From the Cantankerous mind of Spicy Caramel Things to keep in mind over Spring Break 1. Your GPA will not get any better if you spend most of your time getting blazed in your friends’ shitty house in the ghetto of New Brunswick. 2. If you plan on going to any sort of beach, DO NOT under any circumstances, put Fritos on your eyes. Seagulls are very hungry...and violent. 3. Most likely, your shitty life and all of you stupid little problems will be there when you get back. FOR REALS.
CLASSES
Douglass smoothie lady, thanks for making my day. That smoothie you made with cranberry and banana was freaking awesome. (And that, ladies and gentelmen, is why this is under the “For Reals” section.) To sub eaters of livi, There is no need to take 10 minutes and 30 pieces of tape to wrap your sub. Instead follow these simple steps. 1. Place sub in the middle of the wrapping sheet, with the ends of the sub facing two opposite corners. 2. Wrap one of the other two corners around the middle of your sub. 3. Fold the two corners corresponding to the ends of your sub inward. 4. Roll the sub toward the last corner and apply tape to that corner only. DONE (I actually wanted to punch someone in the fucking head when I had to deal with that at Neilson...) To the stupid boy in my house; you think you’re so clever and awesome trying to get with girls, when in reality you’re a total douchebag who will NEVER get it in around here EVER. Take your horny dick elsewhere, no one likes you here. To her. you ways out of my league but still love ya, so confused To the sexy guy at brower, if Jared Leto and Chase Crawford had a child, that child would be you. To the cute guy in the purple frat Jacket staring at me on the H bus, you’re kinda creepy, but I like it.
To my Social Media class; I am not kidding right now, but you are kind of freaking awesome. All you other majors are just totally jealz. Can anyone help me with the paper due for my english class in TTH murray at 110? I am really lost w. it.. Hey. Stupid black asshole sitting in the cubicle in front of me, turn down your fucking music. You’re in a God Damn library. To the girls in the first row (right hand side of class) in Social Psych. Kindly shut up, you yap and yap and yap and we can never get any studying done. No one cares about your personal lives and your endless stories. Just please STFU and let me learn To the guy in my Cultural Anthropology class who wears a messenger with yellow stripes. you’re mad cute and I keep trying to summon the courage to speak to you. I’m the dumb bitch from Scott Hall who won’t keep the door open for those behind me...one word: WHATEVER. To the bitch with the lime green laptop from tinsley hall, wax those squirrells off your face.
Do it. I compel you... personals@themediumonline.com.
WHAT’S SHAKIN’ “Fantastic...and by fantastic I mean creepy.”
gs
Thin
@
!!!UOY
Pure Yoga
Thursday, 8:30 PM
- Smith
GO St. Patrick’s Day
March 17
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
STUDENT OF THE WEEK
Name: Katie Jewell Year: Junior Major: Juggling & Media Studies Job: Party Control Resides: La Casa de Testosterone Food: $0.88 Crunchwraps Drink: Yuengling Sports: Call of Duty Interests: Toys, novelties, yo-yo’s, balloon animals, other clown-related items and activities, Chandler Bing, 60’s music, remaining in close proximity to a beach.
On a Scale of 1 to 10, She’s a “Damn!”
Rutgers Student Center, CA
Just Go Get Drunk, Anywhere
Spring Break!!!
Just Go Get Drunk, At a Beach!
Katie is actually a government spy that steals recipes for chocolate-drizzled croissants in exchange for all-expenses-paid vacations to the Bahamas. She remains undercover as a hilarious, goofy, yet seductive Rutgers student. Before her life of espionage, Katie enjoyed living dangerously in other ways such as Varsity Tennis and eating rare-cooked pieces of steak. Upon retirement she will return home to take over her toy-making father’s business (not located in the North Pole). “If Santa was a hippy, maybe my dad would be Santa.”
GOING INSHANE: A Commuter’s Last Word on Rutgers
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I am officially retiring my column, Going InShane in exchange for fresh, innovative ideas. There will be no Jordan/ Favre comebacks for me. However, the In-Shane-iak will return in other forms. Writing has always been a passion of mine from the moment I vise-gripped a pen in kindergarten and wrote my name 20 times on a thin, gray piece of paper. But it’s time to move on and explore the world of Rutgers in a different way. No, I’m not leaving The Medium. I just want to party. In two weeks, the weather is going to heat up and so is the party scene. I figured our pre-Spring Break issue would be a perfect way to send this column off. When I come back from break, I want to roam the streets of College Ave with a bottle of Jameson in one hand, a dime-bag in my pocket, and
M U S I C
three steaming-hot women on each side. Then when flip-flop season rolls around I’m going to literally go inShane. I will slowly start turning into Charlie Sheen and will need as much distance from a desk as possible to control my animalistic, party urges. Everything will come to a peak at Rutgersfest when I’ll need multiple wingmen to keep me contained. Sounds scary, eh? Well, you try stepping into the shoes of the hottest thing to ever hit New Brunswick. You may ask, “But what will you do now, In-Shane-iak?” Do not fear, as I have said, I will return but not with this column. It is always good to re-invent yourself. Perhaps, I’ll start making thoughtful, witty charts that end up making little to no sense? Ha, we will see, folks, we will see… With Unconditional Love, The In-Shane-iak
R E V I E W
By Lauren Stern Killing Time Bayside is a vivacious, pop punk band from Long Island that has been around since 2000. They have been through a lot in the last 11 years, including a bunch of line up changes and the tragic death of their drummer, John Beatz, but they have come a long way. I was actually a big fan of these guys when they started out but I wasn’t feeling their gloomy, pop sound in their previous albums. After hearing this album, I was extremely pleased that they brought back the energetic Bayside I loved. Every song is pretty much an anthem, full with energy and those awesome pop punk vibes that will put you in the best mood.