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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume xxxix Issue XVIII
50¢
March 4th, 2009
VEGAN MEAT ABOLISHED BY ABA SABABA STAFF WRITER
Hipsters Revolt
New Brunswick – As a desperate, last resort measure to deal with the Big Ol’ Recession, the Brower lunchladies have made a collective executive decision to stop buying vegan lunchmeat for sub night takeout. “Vee feel thees ees zee bist option, geeven zee circumstances,” commented Frau Fakrempt, speaking under her hair net. “Vee only haf zee bist interest of zee students in mind. Graaavy??” The Rutgers community at large seems to be taking the news badly. An afroed, suspicious smelling dude named Ian was quoted saying, “This is bullshit, man. Animals are too cute to eat...[They] should at least give us some vegan nugs’, or something.” In retaliation, campus vegetarians will be burning Richard McCormick in effigy next to the Sinclair Slaughterhouse and Meat Packing Research Center (located on Cook Campus) at 4:20 tomorrow afternoon.
A PUBLIC FORUM
“World’s Strongest” Speaks OSAKA, JAPAN – Dutchman Jeroen von Aüermater won the annual Worlds’ Strongest Man competition Upon inquiry about what it’s like lifting awkward, misshapen stones, von Aüermater responded with, “It’s hard because they’re awkward and misshapen.”
This is the actual sign at the Brower Takeout line, snapped via cameraphone by Medium Reporters
NJ Water Watch Appalled at Amount of Raw Sewage Dumped in RU Bathrooms BY GIRL PERSONALS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK - It happens behind closed doors, but what goes on is no secret. NJ Water Watch estimates that about 10,000 gallons of raw sewage are clandestinely dumped into RU bathrooms every day, contributing to air contamination and trace levels of sludge in the toilet bowls. “It’s disgusting,” said a Water Watch representative. “When people got a load of crap they want to get rid of, they automatically assume they can dump it in the bathrooms. These are public areas that need to be kept pristine.” Some students engage in the
practice of emptying their bowels into the bowls as frequently as twice a day. Without any evidence of the activities, however, most dumpers will not face any repercussions. Water Watch is currently creating a reporting program that A typical incident of “toilet time,” as it is will allow students to colloquially referred to provide University law enforcers with evidence of dump- how it got there. She meekly replied ing. that she had no idea. “It’s going to In a pilot test of the pro- be hard,” said the agent, “but until gram, an undercover agent con- some convictions are issued this fronted a female student regarding a problem isn’t just gonna solve itScott Hall dumping, asking her just self.”
Post-Modernism for Dead Babies ESTABLISHED 1970
THE MEDIUM Contents -A Table-
Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
News News Features Opinions Arts Personals -ClassifiedWhats Shakin’
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 16 Page 20 Page 21 Page 69
Books Architecture Politits Snuff Films Executions Revolts Birds Horticulture
3-Day Outlook Super-Forecast McGee Tonight High: 0 Low: -50
Classes will be cancelled before it even starts snowing. What it do Wednesdays!
Thursday Break out the thermals, inner tubes, monkeywrenches, and IT’S GON used cell phones! This ones BE COLD! gonna be a doozy! Friday High: um. Low: oh.
Ten percent chance of POOPSICLES
NOOSE “A Bastion of Comical Perfection”
Nation’s Homeless Left out of Stimulus Package Congress: “They’d Spend it on Drugs Anyway” BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
WASHINGTON, D.C. - About two weeks ago on Capitol Hill, Congress passed a historical 700+ billion dollar surplus/bailout plan designed to help boost the receding United States, a plan supported by a nation crippled with debt and inflation. Despite a huge influx of money into sectors such as infrastructure improvement and education, a certain group of Americans are left out of this package, the homeless. “Believe me, the homeless population in America would just take our money and use it to buy booze or crack instead of using it to get a real job,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said in an interview after the floor vote. “Besides, we just
saw a guy a block away give a homeless man a dollar. A whole dollar! If he wants anymore, he’s just being selfish and needy.” Normally, the Democrats would be in favor of the government setting up shelters or offering relief to those who cannot get it on their own. But when the first unemployed drifter stumbled into the Senate chamber emitting a pungent odor of Jack Daniels and trout, a bi-partisan agreement was made to “shoo away the bum” and to “Febreeze the building ASAP”. For the rest of the time the 110th Congress is in session, all members will repeatedly avoid eye contact with any homeless within D.C. city limits and increase their walking pace while fumbling around in pockets for imaginary change and making thousands of mumbled apologies.
Editorial Staff Spring 2009 Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Colin Fong John Bender Gary Klimowicz Paul Winters
News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editor Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Staff Photographer Staff Artist Staff Writer Staff Writer Staff Writer Faculty Advisor
Abe Stanway Keith Lawrence Carmella Luczak Reven MacQueen Dave Imbriaco Kaitie Davis Mike Vuono Paul Winters Tim Swanson Katie Russian Niggas’ Wit’ Attitude! Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and not necessarily shared by The Medium, or the authors themselves. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to my blue balls, which were generously granted to me last night after five fruitless hours of debate Corrections: Corrections? DO WE LOOK HUMAN? MAKE NO MISTAKE, WE MAKE NO MISTAKES
Wednesday, March 4th, 2009
Arrested: Teenagers Caught Giving Marijuana to Children BY ABA SABABA STAFF WRITER
TORONTO – A group of underprivileged black teenagers have given one cigarettes’ worth of marijuana to “them annoying whiny ni****s next door.” The marijuana, also known by its street name, “Mexican Omelet,” is South American-grown and purportedly infamous for its terrible quality. “An eighth of Mexican Omelet was the worst three dollars I have every spent”, said Kurt Sativa of High Times Magazine in a press release. Prosecutors are maligning that “no child should ever have to bear the guilt of smoking that” and are pressing for the maximum allowable sentence of 25 years in a federal penitentiary. The teenagers will be tried as adults. Watch the trial coverage on RU-CCTV on March 10th. The reefer is first ingested by fluffy, puffy, fornicating bunnies, and then ruthlessly expelled by their bowl movements. Pictured left is the “Mexican Omelet” strain being processed.
This is the submission monster. If you don’t submit news articles, he’ll sniff you out with his engorged thyroid gland and proceed to anally plunder your life in front of your unborn children. Spare us the drama.
SUBMIT YOUR NEWS ARTICLES TO NEWS@THEMEDIUM.NET
Wednesday, MAAARCH 4th, 2009
FEATURES
“No, bro it’s totally cool! All he wants to do is make nut butter in our mouth! Oh...”
THE MEDIUM
Rutgers New Brunswick? More like:
Rutgers New FUNS-wick! By Jerry Swinger, New Guy Something that you may have noticed lately here at Rutgers is the lack of interesting things to do on campus when you’re sober. Fortunately for you, we’ve got a few suggestions for you to divert your attention away from schoolwork and your drug addiction. By now you must be thinking to yourself, “You’re kidding,
Rutgers is boring as fuck! What’s the catch?” Well there is no catch, but you might find yourself shooting more heroin and doing more homework before actually putting the following suggestions to use, because if they were any more amusing than watching RU-TV, we probably wouldn’t tell you about any of them:
Riding the Bus If you happen to live in of the many Rutgers dorms without air conditioning, you may have already noticed that on hot summer days, the bus is more comfortable than your own room. The busses also serve as an okay method of transportation, granted that the bus driver doesn’t get off the bus at the student center to go take a shit, and then go get food at Subway to make sure he’ll have to take another shit by the time he completes another circuit. But who said you can’t ride the bus for fun? It sure beats the hell of out going to calc recitation and not understanding a word that the TA is saying. One personal favorite way to ride the bus is to leave your pants at home, and then take up two seats. Nobody ever seems to ask you to move after they’ve seen a bulge/cameltoe resting on the seat divider. Bonus points if you wear tighty whiteys and lean back far enough to show off your skid marks.
Porn I just came.
Math and Science Learning Center Most people who grew up here in Jersey have been to the Liberty Science Center or the Franklin Institute. Now choose one of those, take all the fun out of it, and condense it into the main room on the third floor of the ARC, and you’ve got yourself the Math and Science Learning Center. Founded by a guy whom nobody gives a shit about, the MSLC is a place full of cheap homemade physics experiments that you probably did with your 8th grade science teacher after school during a detention that you got because you exposed yourself on parent teacher night. The only mildly entertaining “learning module” displayed in that place is a spinning platform which you can board for a cheap carnival-like experience, minus the smelly ride operator. However, the button to start the machine isn’t even within reach of the platform, which means you’ll need to bring a friend along, even though you don’t have any.
Missionary Style No, this isn’t about the love makin’ position, it’s about converting people’s religion. People get bored very easily when they’re hurrying through campus between classes, so it would be a real treat for them to be stopped and patronized about their beliefs. The easiest ones to get are the atheists, because they don’t already have a god, so you can place your god right into their empty souls! Don’t forget, persistence is key; if they keep walking like they’re ignoring you it’s probably because they didn’t hear you. You should follow your subject to their class, maybe take a seat next to them so you can really let them see what your god is all about.
The Medium’s Mysterious Mystery Squad in:
The Mysterious Case of the Crazy Chicken and the Excellent Egg By Virgil Pickett Lips Top Dog Detective
in a vacuum.” Gee, their certainly is nothing fluff about that. Who would of ever thought? After all this time In a secluded the answer was right in desert in the outskirts front of our faces. of Nevada, miles away Cheeks will have from the illuminating his fifteen minutes of strip of Las Vegas, scifame by embarking in ence has uncovered the answer revolving around a nation wide tour making stops on the age old question that has been perplexing hu- day time television, and cable talk man minds since the age of reason. “What ex- shows. He is scheduled to make actly came first the Chicken or the Egg? ”. appearances on Dave Letterman, In an unlikely trials of events Lab Sci- The View, and Oprah this week. entist Fluffy Cheeks cracked, no pun intended, He is also scheduled to receive the centuries old question. While playing a quick an award next month at the tenth game of Cranium and eating his bacon egg and annual “Lets Give Someone A Award Cause We Swiss cheese biscuit during his five-minute Need To Give Someone an Award Show“ for his break. Cheeks concluded “it was the yolk, all contribution to philosophical food science. along.” Besides his tour, Cheeks will pen his When asked how he arrived to such a memoirs with Bail Our Ass Out Publishing, due conclusion, Cheeks responded “It came to me out next year exclusively at the latest commer-
cial bookstore, Corners. There you have it folks, another unsolved mystery scratched off the list. This is Virgil Pickett Lips, reminding you to preorder a copy of my latest book “Learning to Defrost a Chicken in the Age of Global Warming and Financial Recession“. Place your order now in the next fifteen minutes and we’ll throw in a limited edition egg shaped Zippo lighter with yolk emblem on the front, commemorating this monumental discovery. Don’t deny your love ones the thrill of beginning their journey to lung cancer, or begin the math. Be a sport buy your book now. This is your buddy Virgil Pickett Lips reminding you. Keep on tanking America.
THE OP/EDS Wednesday, March 4th, 2009 MEDIUM Student accounting is a modest proposal for run by evil bitches... improving the rutgers buses...an editorial. from hell. “I just threw up...out of SHEER AWESOMENESS!!!!”
If you have ever had to deal with Student Accounting at Rutgers, then you will completely understand what I’m talking about in this article. I am one of the few out of state students here at Rutgers. Yes, we are very few and far in between because we have to deal with all sorts of bullshit, and have to pay about 10k more then you in-state fuckers. Being that my family does not own a small island in the Caribbean, have a private jet, or just in general, being fucking loaded, I am forced to get loans. Which is fine. I don’t really care because I am hoping that a degree from this place will help me land a job in which I might be able to pay off my loans someday before I die and leave the loans to my great great grandchildren, because we all know The Medium doesn’t pay me anything to enlighten you, the masses, with my words of wisdom. spicy caramel It all started last week when I went into the Student Accounting office (aka the 7th circle of Hell!) and spoke to a woman who would make Sadaam Hussein (if he was still alive, of course) poop himself because she was so fucking scary to look at. I asked her where my loans Oh, and it gets worse, I went and why they weren’t processed, and she said I’d loose my classes because can’t speak to my financial aid somehow the fact that they obviously advisor because apparently all cannot process my loans fast enough was Rutgers students are mentally my fault. Basically, this scary bitch from unstable and therefore, highly hell told me to go fuck myself. I turned in dangerous and homicidal. Gee, I all the paperwork, but apparently, there wonder why? In fact, I can only is nothing else I can do unless I resort wonder what people must go to selling some or possibly all (inflation through on campuses like Newsucks!) my internal organs and also, sell- ark and Camden which are probing my entire family into slavery to Rut- ably a lot scarier than lovely our gers. In fact, I am pretty sure that I would New Brunswick campus. still come up short on cash after that.
Note to readers: according to these assholes at Student Accounting, I don’t exist, and I nevcer did...In fact, none of us exist... whoa man. Whoa....
By Satanic Yoda
Every day here at Rutgers, we healthy people must deal with exceptional plight on the overcrowded buses. Be it having no breathing space or not being able to actually get on the bus (like on the EE or F at College Hall at almost any given time), the RU bus service gives everyone daily heart attacks and ulcers from frustration. In addition, our worthless Rutgers administrative officials seem to not give a flying fuck about doing practical things, like adding more buses to overcrowded routes, cracking down on drivers taking excessive breaks, and eliminating unneeded stops (ie. Labor Education on the EE and F routes). Oh, speaking of heart attacks, I believe I have pinpointed the unnoticed cause of this chaos that people seem to be neglecting. I’m talking, of course, about humanity’s mechanically isolated subgroup: fat people. Overweight people are causing serious problems for everyone who actually cares about their health on the bus. They take up too much space and sometimes the morbidly fat people can take up to three seats because their asses are so big that it blocks out the sun when they walk down the street. Anyways, I’ve come up with a solution: no one over 250 pounds is allowed to ride the bus. That’s right, we should install scales at each bus stop and anyone who weighs in at over 250 pounds shall be denied entry to the bus. This will allow more people to get on the bus, contributing to a more efficient passenger-per-gallon ratio, making the buses more economical, which is extremely beneficial especially in these tough economic times. Also, it will promote better health by forcing fatties to actually use their legs and walk around campus, hopefully spurring weight loss. I know, some will complain that this is unfair to fat people and that it may cause some people to have heart attacks while they do what the rest of us are able to do normally on any given day, but fuck them, they’re retarded. Start pushing fat people off the bus and promote good health!
why some men are still recycling hypocrisy!!!!! single...and stay that way. contributing writer
contributing writer To the uppity Alpha Zeta eco-prick who left a napkin at the Cook Cafe, whining about how they dont recycle the plastic takeout containers and how it’s hurting the environment; It’s called a TAKEOUT container for a reason. It is YOURS to TAKE OUT of the cafe, and dispose of on your own terms. Don’t blame the cafe for your own laziness when you choose to eat your wrap or sandwich inside the cook cafe and fail to see the bin labeled BOTTLES CANS AND PLASTIC sitting right by the door. If you want to eat in, ask for a goddamn paper plate. Its biodegradable. Do yourself a favor for the environment and hurl yourself into a compost pile and rot. So I’ve been hearing that some of the stuff we’re writing here is already pretty obvious like, how much Livingston sucks for example. Really? No shit! I had no idea! Gee, now all the mysteries of life have been revealed to me! Let me tell you something, if what we’re writing here is so over used, then why don’t you quit complaining and send shit in? Hey! How about that?! Genius idea, don’t you think so? Point is, yeah, some things are obvious but hey, if we don’t have anything to go on, then what the fuck are we supposed to write? I’m sure all of you little faggot douchebag whiners don’t have anything to contribute to us (or society for that matter) but to the rest of you, I’m sure you can all think of something.... assholes. Seriously, if you’re not going to do anything about it, shut the fuck up.
Dear over bearing women, Why must you bring us down? Why must you constantly insist that we put you before all others in the world? Did it ever occur to you that maybe just maybe we might want to enjoy one day without your constant presence. Your insistent nagging that we must stay and be with you instead of going out with our friends really presses the wrong buttons. For one day you should try just allowing us to do what we want. It may actually make us want to be with you more! If your really that insecure that we are going to go out and have fun without you then maybe there shouldn’t be a relationship there at all. So for now just take some friendly advice and chill the fuck out! Sincerely, The Guys sorry, but you michelle obama could totally kick baracks’s ass(She’s got some freaking guns! literally too.)this is what happens when you end up getting stuck with an overbearing woman.... makes us wonder who really makes all of the “executive “ decisions in the white house! the joke is on you america!!!!
ARTS
Wednesday, March 4th, 2009
by Russian Mail-Order Bride
HEY KIDS! +Did some guy tell you and your friends that he could make you famous? +Did things get a little out of control resulting in a entire day spent at the free clinic? +Have you lost all sense of self-respect? +Not quite the internet sensation you were looking to be? +Been disowned? PUT YOUR POOR LIFE DECISIONS TO GOOD USE! Submit to arts@themedium.net
The Facebook Photoshoot of the Week?
THE MEDIUM
THE MEDIUM To the chick sitting on the couch with her head tucked away between her ankles, yes, your feet are quite a ways from your head, how are they ever going to get you back home in this state?...nope, don’t think flinging your shoes off is going to help...nooor is stroking your toes... Hey this is a shout out to Michael Locke who finds it necessary to write an article in the Targum’s opinions page every mother fucking week about how misunderstood fraternities are, and that bullshit about how while he was pledging none of his “brothers” shoved a beer bong up his ass filled with keystone and semen. No one cares! Just s t o p . (clearly you do) To the girl in my Monday and Wednesday English class; why do you insist on telling us about shit that does not relate to our class? No one really cares about your really sad life. If you need to talk about that badly, go see a shrink because all you are doing is wasting our time and making that class waaaay longer and boring then it really has to be. Thanks! My res hall is like an assault on my olfactory faculties! MOLDY SHOES! DOOKIE! AXE! NOT GONNA SAY! ORANGES! SMELLS OF DUBIOUS ORIGINS! To the really old creeper in my Tuesday and Thursday class; You’re really fucking scary and should not be allowed on facebook if you are just going to stalk people and then give them blank stares in class. Thanks to you, I had to put my profile on private that way you don’t know where I live! In fact, I am pretty sure that you live in your mom’s basement and drive a rape van. Bow Chicka Wow Wow... oh how cute... but you’re 11 years old. Are you trying to read me between the lines? Well my personals ARE between the lines... silly fuck.
PERSONALS
“I’m SOOO sorry, this trip’s gonna suck for you!” To the girl who on my floor: To the red head in my Jew- Why is it that the L and LX buses take about 5 breaks I woke up to pee this mornish Society class; you’re ing at 7 and you had make up probably the only hot red in the course of about 15 minutes? Come on, how on. word? Are you like some headed guy at Rutgers... the rest of them are those many times do you having different type of species, creepy inbred Ginger to fucking pee or smoke a like how a peacock has gay feathers to have sex. Do you Kids. Good job! cigarette? You’re a fucking To the kid in my Jewish So- BUS DRIVER! That is your use that to entangle men into ciety & Culture class who job. You drive BUSES. your layer so you can eat them alive.Yeah, i know your never shuts the fuck up; It really makes the whole secret. I saw your tentacle What in the name of XXXX aspect of getting to anywhere on Livingston on I smell a skunk amongst us! is wrong with you?!?You time virtually impossible. Seriously, where the hell actually asked the professor if we can take (Because those buses are is that skunk smell coming the midterm SOONER?! for College Ave kids. You from on Cook/Douglass? So sorry that is doesn’t fit think they care when they (You kind of provided your into your schedule and hey, get there? You think they own answer. But I can see not everyone is Mr. Su- even have the necessary that went right over your per-Jew like you. Maybe temporal perception to head, so might I point you someday, we can all as- know how long they’ve in the direction of Paspire to be chock full of been on that bus? Yeah, sion Puddle? More like Judaism knowledge... I see that blank stare on Trashin Puddle, really) your face... which is preDear sideburns, (Yeah, I blotted that out. cisely the correct answer! ) You are my favorite EnI hear it’s one of those To the guido on the F bus on gineer. Sideburns, watchforbidden names and for Monday morning, I think ing you fail miserably a Jewish kid to utter it is you had more makeup on on a daily basis at trysacrilege. I don’t want to be responsible for the than I did...I loved how your ing to talk to the opeyeshadow compliment- posite sex is hilarious. unexpected ruler beating ed your bronzer though, It makes class with Proof a Jewish student by an Oak (statics) and your hair had so much fessor overzealous rabbi hidthat much better. If you gel in it that a hurricane ing in the ceiling tiles... realized yet, couldn’t miss that shit havn’t if there even are any Jewyou’re really really p . . . ish people out there still u To my roommate’s creepy. Girls choose to reading this paper...) surround themselves with To the Russian chick who gf, please give him ugly guys to get away was at the Red Lion Cafe some sort of action, he from you. Thanks to you on Monday by that new looks at me funny on I realize my GPA needs to Fresh Frites place; Its re- the nights you arent there be no where near amazally great that you went fuck those new wafer ing since I have normal to a restaurant in Texas Crunch bars in the vending social skils... something one time where they machines. What kind of AND AD- you clearly need work where all dicks to you and (NAME WITHHELD) on. Also your scarf is that you want to open a DRESS u g l y . restaurant called “Fat Ass” sucks on that pussy but do you have to tell crisp shit fuck anyway?! (You could have just put “sideburns” and (Well I see my favorite the whole fucking cafe? we would’ve figured he submitter is back. When You’re accent is so scary was creepy creep creepare you going to come and horrible that you where sters... needless words to a meeting which is making my ears bleed people, does NO ONE held every wednesday in Shut the fuck up Jonathan keep a copy of Strunk and room 115 of the BCC? I Taylor Thomas, no one White in their backpack?) promise I won’t lick you knows what the fuck you’re Hey guys, yesterday I got aside from my initial talking about. Do YOU up and had to squeeze those pheromone assessment) know where all the indians went? NO! So shove it! To the glob of vaginal dis- hollow balls of black yogurt Crocodile clips?! charge on my toothbrush, outta my dick like getting Close, but no cigar. run away with me!!! the last toothpaste out of the tube, and it took FOREVER. It’s like, c’mon i gotta get to class, ya know? Help me.
Don’t see your personal?Here at the Medium we are
not sadistic sadists who read your submissions aloud and then delete them as flames leap up out of nowhere and satanic laughs come out of nowhere, maybe the ceiling... but due to the high volume of submissions sometimes they’re put on the back burner for an extra week. In any case, we do our best to see to it that everyone’s joy is spread. Keep it comming at personals@themedium.net
Dear Orgo Professor, You are a 6,8,6,19,16,92,6,19,68 using your favorite codex. COCKSUCKER ! ps. that exam was not fucking cool To the rotund girl in the sequined shirt, you look like a fuckin disco ball B E L C H
Green Day, 2009 To the extremely tall skinny kid with the red and black stripe hoodie I saw at tinsley the other day, you need a haircut because you look discusting and it hurts my eye from looking at you since u take up all the space edward cullen, with his pale face and red lips... looks like he just got punched in the mouth while escaping the dust clouds at ground zero To the girl who took a sloppy drunken shit at 2 a.m. last saturday night in front of the building at the corner of Bishop Place and College Ave: You are one trashy whore. But can I have your number? (Why, is your lawn in need of fertilizing?) My doctor said my nipple looks like a pepperoni with a red hershey’s kiss in the m i d d l e To Miss Mexico in my Blacks in Entertainment, Hop off your high horse (or should I say chihuahua?). People don’t like you. And you are the reason why us Hispanics are stereotyped. Eff you, you b e a n e r ! ! ! (Well, eff YOU, refried beans are the shit. They’ll give you the shits too, but that’s another story) To the blonde giant who smells like cheap cigarettes, why don’t u learn how to walk up straight. And your always inbetween stonier and brower smoking, thanks for adding more cause to our dangered e n v i r o n m e n t To the bro-bro on the LX wearing green Grinch pajama pants: do you think you are sexy? Do you think the ladies are gonna fawn over your clown green elephant pants embossed with a grotesque grumpy old fogie cartoon character? (Well the thought of it gets me on... oh wait, that’s just an orgasm I induced earlier. Almost forgot I was having it) To the girl who owns the farm clothes in Woodberry, if the smell has not gone away from your clothes by now then it never will
Wednesday, 5 MARCH 2008 To the guy who works at Werblin, the tall one who looks like Ken (barbie’s boyfriend); I stare at you every day at the dining hall and wish I was engulfed by your strong rugby-playing arms. Next time I’m on the second elliptical come over and say hi ;) (That’s only SLIGHTLY creepy. You’d better watch your ass, literally.) To the FIFA fans in 307.... Fuck you. All you do is play FIFA... ALL DAY. When you’re not drinking or smoking weed, it’s FIFA, when your not giving a fuck about your classes, its FIFA! Shit, get your act together or shut the fuck up I think my roommate constantly watching reality TV is making me me dumber every minute. (Better be careful or you’ll be begging for a Super Sweet 16 just like all those stupid spoiled bitches - Oh, I mean, future sorority sults.) To the bitch who sits in front of us in sociology 101??? HE JUST FUCKING TOLD US THE ARTICLE WAS ON CNN?.. SO U DUMB FUCKING ASIAN CUNT... OF COURSE THE PICTURE IS REAL TOO U STUPID PIECE OF SHIT. Just do us a favor and shut ur fucking face. (How are you going to stick dicks/poison/hand grenades in her mouth if it’s shut?) To the black kid in Interest Groups who jerks off to recorded speeches of Obama, Shut the Fuck UP! No one cares what you think about his speech last night, especially when it is completely off topic. And when the professor asks anyone if they have questions, its exactly that...questions, NOT statements about how awesome Obama is. Drop dead you fucking loser. Yours Truly, Theodore Kaczynski when my phone vibrates in my pocket I shift it over so that it vibrates while touching my penis...... just like how dad used to do it. (So you’re saying that your Dad pleasured you with a cell phone when you were younger...)
PERSONALS
“I love the taste of fresh pussy in the morning.”
To North Tower 4th Floor RA: You need to chill the fuck out. Do you feel cool being an asshole walking around with your clipboard every night trying to write people up? You think we want to hear your obnoxious laugh and horrible singing through our wall? We ignore it. So stop listening into our conversations and writing us up for them especially if you hear it through your wall all muffled. I hope u like shit on ur doorknob cuz we wipe it on ur doorknob every day. From: Try to find who wrote this. Damn am I glad to no longer be in the dorms.) fuck all you drivers who don’t stop for pedestrians when you turn onto college ave. and no, gunning the engine around the corner and slamming on the breaks three feet from hitting people isn’t cool either. (Well, theyy do need a way to compensate for their 1 inch dicks, you know.) In relation to last week’s article, “Student Forced To Crowd Surf Out Of Bus”: NOBODY GRABBED HIS SHOES, IT WAS HIS OSH’KOSH YOU FUCKIN GOONS WHO WRITE THIS PAPER (Ever heard of something called “Creative License,” retard? We really don’t give a rat’s ass what actually happened, so go back under your rock and shut the fuck up, bitch. to the shit-for-brains white guy who approached me on the EE while i was reading the Medium, and said, “i didn’t know black people read that?”: i hope you get shipped to Africa and eaten by Lions... (See, haters? People of ALL races love us. Well, maybe not love, but...) Joke of the month How do you get a west virginia university graduate to get off your porch? You give him his tip I dont understand why my hands are currently typing this instead of being wrapped around a hard penis (Because submitting to us is so much more pleasuring than jerking off (or jerking someone else off, which may be the case with you. Everyone take heed!)
To the douchebag on the EE last week: the bus driver fucking PWNED your stupid, obnoxious ass when she called you out for insulting her. Man, she made you look retarded. If I were you, I’d kill myself after that kind of humiliation. To the Dominican who goes by the name of Trinidad (<<what the fuck?), You’re a bitch. And you know how they say smoking reefer lowers your sperm count? Well, as much as you smoke your balls are damn near gone! So grow some back and start acting like a real man...P.S. The reason why I igged your message the other day is cause your shit was NOT all that...mediocre at best!!! :( To the gruesome five some in the back left hand corner of my religions of the western world- SHUT THE FUCK UP!!... I day dream about shoving donuts in your fat faces and praying to God, Allah, Jesus Christ, and all the gods on Mount Olympus that your annoying shrill voices will never be herd a g a i n (Don’t forget Lord Xenu!) i’m beginning to wonder if the university retard even attends rutgers... u all know who im talking about, the gangsta wannabe with the bandana dear creepy albert hater, i really do feel sorry for you... but your personals are so excellent! thanks for spreading the word about how f-ing creeper that kid is!! ALBERT!!! STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING CREEPER AND LEAVE THAT POOR KID ALONE YOU CREEPY B A S T A R D ! ! To the fat jewish guy on the F reading his fucking hebrew bible out loud, keep your irrational, scientifically inaccurate beliefs to yourself. dear hairy theater fagtard who cock blocked me. i am going to rip your nuts off thru your anus. if you do it again i will have to beat you with some motha-fuckin anal beads you god damn fuckstick. God is in the streetlamps. (Really? That asshole broke into my house last week!)
THE MEDIUM
To the tall lanky kid TO THE TINY DICKED with the bright red win- BITCH ASS MOTHter hat who looks like ERFUCKERS ON waldo always rolling THE FIFTH FLOOR something at brower, ev- OF CLOTHIER THAT ery time I see you and INSIST ON PLAYING your posse of hipster BLACK-EYED PEAS kids, grow up, your in EVERY FUCKING college now, dress like DAY AT RIDICULOUS your over 20. VOLUMES, WE HATE Yo faggot with the red YOU. WE ARE ALL beanie u got lice comin WELL AWARE THAT out of your shit. Only THE ONLY REASON pussies roll cigarettes YOUR HAVE YOUR go shoot some herion MUSIC SO LOUD IS SO u fuckin hipster. P.s. U WE CAN’T HEAR YOUR can’t skate for shit fuck- BALLS SLAPPING ing mongo pushing EACHOTHERS ASSES leaning tower of shit. WHILE YOU MONKEY to that girl in my orgo FUCK EACH OTHER lab, i want to take my dis- ALL DAY. YOU ARE SERItiller tube and stick it OUSLY SUCH FUCKERS in you so hard but im too AND I HOPE YOUR DICKS much of a pussy to do GET RIPPED OFF BY A anything about it. I also PACK OF RABIDWOLVES. want to motorboat ur (I have nothing to say to huuuuuuuuge boobs but that, except “awesome.”) i have no balls to do it or to the crazy EE bus tell u it driver last wednesday, (So you instead poison my sorry for sitting on your eyes with your inane sexual tire, however i really didn’t fantasies because you’re need the 30min rant on how too big of a bitch to tell people who cross the yellow her yourself? You might as line will go flying through well just chop off your dick the windshield... thanks for while it’s hard and twist off scaring the crap out of me your nuts since that’s all and everyone else on the bus the use they’re ever going you psycho bitch... oh and to get that doesn’t involve just so you know that your hand and sandpaper.) kid in the hoodie... he to that flaming kid from was laughing at you... chicago that lives on I live near albert and i got to stone street da bears like say... Creepy Al is a creepit in da butt and so does ur tard. if you see a creepy hero michael the fag jordan kid who has bigass sideburns to mike, kush kush in the tush and pubes on his chin weartush thats extra mush mush ing leather jacket and an (Ok, you seriously suck.) indiana jones hat and big To the tall dirty blonde motherfuckin headphones guy that wears the red and run. if your a girl.. run faster black plaid jacket, you and farther. look really goofy riding sometimes when i’m lonely your crappy-almost-as- i instant message myself.... good-as-broken blue bike. when i talk back and forth To the guy who won’t stop and realize it’s just a list of texting me: I’m sorry that ditto’d comments I mumyou can’t get over the fact ble to myself, “haha great think alike” that I slept with your room- minds (You must really have mate and not you. He was hot and you’re not. Deal. no friends whatsoever.) Now for the obligatory box where I tell all you fuckheads to keep submitting and go to our meetings, and close with some kind of threat for if you don’t do either, so here it goes (kinda getting formulaic, isn’t it? I’ll think of something better for next week...) Thanks for submitting! Keep whatever is plaging your thoughts/heart/bowels to Personals@TheMedium.net. If you’re REALLY brave, come to our meetings at 9:00 PM at the Busch Campus Center Romm 115 (I know, fuck Busch, I live on College Ave too). If you don’t come, I’ll send you a hooker loaded with enough crabs for your entire dorm! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
THE WHAT’S... Wednesday, March 4th, 2009 MEDIUM What’s Shakin’? You Better Remember... “Welcome to your doom!”
Spring King Neptune Night - 3/3 @ Rutgers. You missed this, this was yesterday. I was there, where were you? I saved you a seat and everything.
Season 2 Premiere of Breaking Bad - 3/8 @ AMC. This show is about drugs, and some old dying guy making drugs to pay for his bills, for dying. He’s actually pretty badass, and he’s also the dad from Malcolm in the Middle, which sucked. Free Pepsi Giveaways - 3/10 @ College Ave. Those dudes who give away free Pepsi’s will be in front of Brower, grab a free soda. FREE KANYE WEST CONCERT - 4/18 @ Busch Campus Center. Doors open at 7pm! Be there early, first 300 get in, and that’s it.
What’s Quakin’?
Recently, my mailbox has been flooded with a large amount of hate mail from our Quaker audience. I know I’ve said some hateful things about all of you and your religion, but let’s face it, I’m right. I don’t care that you guys think you can see God if you pray hard enough, or that John Wilton Fontaine, your only famous Quaker won the ‘92 Slam Dunk Contest with a blindfolded reverse dunk over a vending machine. I especially don’t care that you guys invented the flying steam ship a few years ago and are currently planning a large scale attack on several large American cities. Whoops. How did I know? I AM JOHN WILTON FONTAINE! Jiggs up, fools.
What’s Fakin’?
Altered Beast! ALTERED FUCKING BEAST!
Altered Beast is probably the greatest game ever conceived. Aside from not only being ricockulously simple, the game is also notoriously hard. God himself tried to beat it and he only got to the fourth boss. In fact, there are rumors that some Japanese guy in the Swedish undeground gaming circuit beat the game, and a riot ensued, which would eventually turn into the War of 1812. That’s right. Altered Beast caused a largescale conflict 176 years before it was even made. If you don’t remember Altered Beast then you most likely grew up homeless and no one loves you.
What’s Bakin’?
Winner! “If I don’t finish by 5, my husband will beat me.” Honorable Mention “Legalize roller-pin sodomy.” Loser “Keep smiling, Charlotte... Maybe Harold won’t notice that I murdered the children and am now baking them into a delicious pie. Ah, to be a housewife...”
Free Pizza!*
(Pizza may or may not be available)
Do you struggle with mortal life? Does the concept of dying scare you? If there were a way to live forever, would you do it? If you answered YES to any of these, TOO FUCKING BAD. We all die one day. Get used to it. “Possums make up 85% of the oil in pizza. Look it up.”
Medium Meetings @ 9:00PM Busch Student Center, Room 115