of Forgetting to Take Your Pill
17
Exciting Trading Cards!
it says “HAVE A GOOD BREAK” (not that we want you to)
NO
EDITORIALS
“Mom! I’m online doing research, leave me alone!”
Wednesday, March 13th, 2002
Gesundheit!
Did someone say they wanted pretty pictures? this’ll have to do for now
had enough? of course you haven’t, weirdo
9 pm, 3/13. Tillett Hall, Room 209 (this week and this week only) learn the secret places on the internet where you, too can find boys and girls not wearing things covering their bathing-suit areas
CONTENTS Collectable Trading Cards! Yay, Daddy! Please don’t hit me anymore! Cover by: Oleg Zeylikovich
THE
MEDIUM
Come to a Medium meeting!!!
fnord
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Michael Wyzard Mike Ryan Jessica Chandra John Minus Ryan Beckman Martin Babitz Amy Groark Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors Photography Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Advertising Manager Staff Artist Senior Editor
Carol Hu Ritch Boblenz Amy Groark Aija McKenzie Ian D. Lorey Jessica Chandra Oleg Zeylikovich John Q. Minus
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is Sunday at 12:00 pm. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903 or emailed to wyz@eden.rutgers.edu. Our phone number used to be (732) 373-7085. Love
#4
#5
Embarrassing Moments
Embarrassing Moments
“Captain Hetero/homo?”
“Captain Wang-Dangle”
Embarrassing Moments
“Tamponless Twister” THE
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# 10
Embarrassing Moments
“Accidentally Come To Rutgers”
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#7
#8
Embarrassing Moments
“Overly Excited Folk Singer”
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“Switched Drinks”
“Where did my kidneys go?”
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# 11
Embarrassing Moments
“King My Lifeless Body”
#3
Embarrassing Moments
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Embarrassing Moments
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#6
Embarrassing Moments
“What’s Your Name Again?”
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“Unflushable Fetus”
#2
# 911
Embarrassing Moments
“Harmless Prank Gone Awry”
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Embarrassing Moments
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#1
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Collectable
“Don’t poo on me, poo on poopop.”
Wednesday, March 13th, 2002
# 12
Embarrassing Moments
“Girl Poop?”
Collectable # 3 “Switched Drinks” Last night my roommate Ritch was being an asshole. I wanted to do him in the butt while he slept but I decided to be subtler. He’s a little shorter than most guys our age so he’s constantly drinking milk and saying, “Hey man, I’m drinking milk, and some day I’ll be bigger than you and I’ll kick you French Canadian ass.” Well I decided to jerk off into his milk and watch him drink it… I forgot which class I came into… but I think I got it right.
“The power of power... awww yeah.”
# 2 “Where did my kidneys go?” It's the oldest trick in the book. "I couldn't believe I fell for it, but when I came around, there I was with one less kidney." Roommates are broke, and the cable bill is way past due. They need cash fast, and there's only one surefire way to make that kind of scratch, selling organs on the Black Market. One of the roommates is chosen, usually the most hated or gullible one, and high-quality horse tranquilizers are slipped into his nightly glass of YooHoo. Once the sucker is out, it's child's play to do a little invasive surgery and remove the little gold mine from our unsuspecting victim. When he awoke in a pool of his own blood, sans one kidney, our victim merely chuckled. "Those guys", he said "I guess they put me in warm water so the wounds wouldn't stop bleeding. I love those knuckleheads."
Wednesday, March 13th, 2002
# 1 “Unflushable Fetus” Getting home after a late night, I looked down and saw something attached to my shoe. It was a little fetus, smiling at me, saying "Mommy!" I thought, "This must be from that damn coat hanger abortion I had tonight." I kept it around the house for a while, but I was just not ready to be a mother, and could not love it as my own fetus. One afternoon, I got back from class, I found that he had drowned himself in the toilet. "Thank fucking God," I said.
# 6 “What’s Your Name Again?”
# 5 “Captain Wang-Dangle”
# 4 “Captain Hetero/homo?”
Last night these two editors drank themselves retarded…well more so at least. The events that occurred after they became drunk with power…and beer would have been forgotten by all, had former EiC, Christkiller Johnson not been video taping the events so he could show his pet Abacus, Jub-Jub. The two editors featured on this card ran wild down the streets of New Brunswick screaming the lyrics to Ring Around The Rosy and playing Paddy Cake till the sun came up. After a long night the duo, who’d never met passed out in a chair together and vomited on each other as they slept.
He had his A-game going. He was smooth, he was sly, and he had this chick on the ropes. “It is only a matter of time”, he thought, “before I get up this girls pants and Rock Her World.” Unfortunately for him, he did not realize that the entire length and breadth of his penis was swaying in the breeze. The unfortunate victim of this faux pa, who declined to b identified, said she was “Horrified, disgusted, nauseated…a little intrigued…and then disgusted once more.” The poor sap known as “Captain WangDangle” now to friend and foe alike, did not realize that he had prematurely introduced his trouser-snake to the lass he was chatting up until it was far too late to reel it in and save some modicum of self-respect.
After an Unfortunate night spent downing 20 X-Pills, 8 tabs of Acid, 7 bottles of Everclear, and five lines of Coke, Johnny Taurus retires to his bedroom. Around 5 A.M., his roommates are awakened by what sounds like the tortured warbling of Barbara Streisand. The shaken and angered roommates are shocked to find this scene, and Captain Hetero singing “People” (Who Need People). Johnny swears off all drugs forever…and never lives down the shame. Except for the fact that he kills anyone who brings it up, he has taken the embarrassment pretty well.
# 911“Harmless Prank Gone Awry”
# 8“Overly Excited Folk Singer”
# 7 “Tamponless Twister”
Folk Singer Bud Travis, right in the middle of a rousing rendition of "The Bark Gay Head", loses the fight with the urinary tract infection he picked up from the whore he slept with the night before. As hot urine rushes down his leg, Bud heroically finishes his top 40 hit, "The Dike Fish Blues".
I was playing twister with my friend when I realized… there’s not supposed to be a red triangle. I pulled my hand off the mat a little too late. There was an unpleasant red fluid dripping down my arm. I looked over my shoulder to see my friend’s horrified expression… “I must have forgotten to put my tampon in.” was all the she could say.
“Girl Poop?”
# 11“King My Lifeless Body”
# 10 “Accidentally Come To Rutgers”
Wait… Ben! Just wait! I'm just shitting. It's natural! Come on, it doesn't smell that bad! Hold on, it's coming out… I can't hold it in anymore. Just face the fact that girls do poop… I know you were in denial about girls pooping, but we need to, just like boys do. We can poop together. It really doesn't smell that bad, you can stop holding your nose down… wait… PLOP.
I had been drinking heavily, as I usually do when I play checkers. Crowder was giving me that damn dirty Caucasian grin he always gives me. Usually the more I drink, the better I play, but for some reason it wasn’t working tonight. I guess I got so mad that I accidentally stabbed him in the heart and lungs 42 times. I was so embarrassed. I swore to never let my anger get out of hand again
We at the Medium (that's Meduim for folks on Cook) love our little pranks. But sometimes they don't come off as planned. Late last summer we had a great gag about putting cherry bombs in toilets in a skyscraper in the Big City. We were hoping maybe to seriously injure someone's Jeep Liberty but... well, things got a bit out of hand. On the bright side, a lot of families are much richer now!
# 12
HOW THE FUCK DID MOM AND YOU SWITCH MY GODDAMN APPLICATIONS? AND WHAT THE HELL IS RUTGERS, THE STATE UNIVERSITY OF THIS CRAPPY STATE? I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL THERE, OR ANYWHERE NEAR JERSEY!" This is how I got here. Rutgers, The State University of Shit-hole dorms and plenty of sorority whores… My parents really love me and want me to stay close to them, so they didn't send out my applications, but filled one out for Rutgers. Hooray for the luckiest kid in the world.