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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly Volume XXXVIII - Issue IX
ESTABLISHED 1970
www.themedium.net
$1.50
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
Toilet Paper Crisis Getting Nearer Peaches-n-Quim Contributing Writer
Hear me out. With concerns about Oil prices going global, and with Exxon making 11.7 billion this quarter more then any company in history (that’s 1,300 cha-chings a second, see http://money. cnn.com/2008/02/01/news/ companies/exxon_earnings/) and us common oil using folks not seeing a dime of difference in pump prices. Heck, we didn‘t even get a thank you card from Exxon for using the fuckin fuel...they could have at least called or something. Anyway, the point is that gas prices are affecting other aspects of common day life whether directly or indirectly, milk, grain, and coffee prices have also gone up.
Some of this is not just due to gas prices, but I suspect that’s part of it don’t you? Now, my logic being completely based on my own delusional opinion here, but gas, grain, and coffee are necessities for most people. So if prices continue to rise in domestic products how long do you think it will be before that .45 cent roll of toilet paper skyrockets to $3.50? I’ll tell you, not long. Therefore I propose that before the end of the year, toilet paper price inflation will increase exponentially, seemingly defying gravity with its death defying feat. Here’s a chart showing an arrow going up, just to show you what that would that projected increase in toilet paper prices would look like in a chart, kinda.
I really feel we need a few tips to help us consumers to conserve our TP (our Toilet Paper, or Tactile Papyrus if you will) and I have a few suggestions for you. The Top 10 Toilet Paper Conserving Tips
1.) Use less, no really, I mean use a lot less. Like one square, just fold it a few times (this method not recommended for #2‘s) 2.) I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen TP wasted on the floor and seats of bathroom stalls, common, its still good, and don’t you worry, a good broad spectrum antibiotic should get rid of that oozy rash. 3.) You know that plant you roommate has in the dorm, the one with the really broad leaves? Yea, use that, or you can bring in your own leaves from outside, just make sure they are not red, shiny or three per branch. You can also use old term papers, assignments etc. from those classes you didn’t do Super Smash Bros: Brawl Ruins 4.) well in last semester. They wipe well, and leave you with a strange sense of satisfaction. 5.) Use your hand, why not? I mean, there’s soap and sinks right there right? Thousands of Lives 6.) Use the copies of the Centurion or the Targum (WARNING, because of poor quality of Cal En His story was these papers, multiple copies may be needed to achieve satisfactory results, if possible.) Staff Writer echoed all across campus, 7.) Hate your roommate? Then the possibilities are endless! Bedspreads, clothes, etc., all as thousands of students esMarch 9th is a day chewed studying in favor of can be used as TP replacements! that will live in infamy for the manic, frenzied game- 8.) Fuck wiping, just shower a lot. a good many days, thanks play that is a hallmark of 9.) Use the Brower Dining Hall food, I find the pita wraps work well, God knows some of to what many are calling the Super Smash Brothers that foods not meant to be eaten. “A cruel, cruel joke,” on the series, a series of games that 10.) Ask a friend! part of Nintendo. features many of Nintendo’s “I was waiting for landmark characters duking attempting to maneuver the almost an entire point. fight people from all over Brawl for almost a year, it out for reasons yet uncharacter Samus through a The only thing being the world online, and with and when I heard that it was known. maze of targets, which were hit harder than the school’s over thirty-five playable coming out on March 9th, a “I got a C on that to be hit. students’ grades are those characters, it is believed by Sunday. I knew I was done exam. I know that if I had Initial estimates of on the receiving end of a many to be scientifically imfor,” said local student Jona- studied I would have gotthe damage dealt by the re- Falcon Punch. possible to say no to, a fact than Matthews, who had an ten at least an A, but I just lease of such a boss game is Unfortunately, howdiscovered by too many, too exam on March 10th. “Of couldn’t, could you blame that the average GPA of the ever, with the ability to late. course I wasn’t studying, me?” Said Matthews, while entire school went down by make one’s own stages, to who was?”
“Read, Dummy.”
THE US & WORLD NEWS Wednesday, March 26 , 2008 MEDIUM Bush to Withdraw Troops Under Threat of Rutgers Walk-Out th
“Knife World: One man, many knives.”
BY JOHN BENDER - CONTRIBUTING WRITER In a historically unprecedented move, the White House today issued an executiveorder that announces the official plan to withdraw all US troops of Iraq and Afghanistan by the end of March. According to Dana Perino, the Press Secretary, this move was decided by President Bush after he learned of the Rutgers Against the War Walkout that is scheduled for March 27th at 1:23pm. The reasoning behind this move was explained by Herbert Murphy, White House statistician who had this to say. “For every 1 student involved in the Walkout, it represents the opinion of 1 billion Americans”. “We have intelligence gathered from intensive Facebook research that at least 400 students have joined the group which means that 400 billion Americans are going to be
marching in New Brunswick.” Herbert then added, “That’s fucking crazy as balls”. We were able to speak with one of the organizers of the Walkout, Mary Blightman who is a Senior in Livingston College, who according to students in her classes, “is a mega-bitch who doesn’t ever shower.” Mary, who is 24 years old, is the daughter of a multimillionaire father and has also re-elected the Congressman who voted “Yes” to authorize the Afghanistan and Iraq Wars multiple times. Her actual interview was very short as she was using her iPhone to find directions to the nearest store selling falafel and 100% recycled sandals. All she had to say was “FACISTS ARE CONTROLLING THE COUNTRY AND YOU ARE ALL SHEEP!!! RESIST THE CAPITALIST REGIME!!!!”
Aww, someone’s not enjoying their own party war. These statements are in complete irony as her parents have paid for all of her college tuition and her new $22,000 car. The actual time table
SPRING 2008 CONTEST WINNERS True believers! I’m channelling the spirit of Stan Lee to bring you important news! What is that? Stan Lee isn’t dead yet? Well fuck you! The Spring 2008 Contest has finished! It’s Clobbering time! Anyways, we got ourselves a whole Fantasticar full of winners this time around, and all these lucky motherfuckers will be enjoying Dr. Z’s “Dr. Z on Scoring”! Well, with great power comes great responsibility, so with my great power of creating com-
ics as we know them today, I’m going to be informing all of you pasty-faced retards of the winners of our awesome contest. To the right of this there is a list of names and email addresses. If any of those belong to you, YOU’RE WON! You’re free to come in to the next meeting, which is in the Livingston Student Center, Room 113 at 9:15. Finally, to the one of you that cares, stop buying Spiderman comics until Quesada decides to retcon that One More Day/ Brand New Day bullshit, it’s retarded. Excelsior!
CONTENTS
Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
World News Features Opinions Arts Personals Personals Whats Shakin’
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12
Cover by: Yo-Yo Man
Arabian Horse Association Booyeah
for withdrawal looks like this: March 10th- Fuck it, we don’t feel like it today, maybe tomorrow...March 20th- hh, it can wait for a little while...March 27th-
B Malloy: bmalloy@eden Jeremy Schiff: hididlydo@aol Michael Beng: mbmichealberry@gmail Alyssa Cocchiara: lysscocc@eden Isabel Alvarado: Isakalhva@yahoo Jarred Weingand: jweigand@eden John Bender: jobender@eden Gregory Kassee: gkassee@eden Joseph Joestar: JoJosBiz@gmail Dio Brando: wryyyy@yahoo Jotaro Kujo: yareyaredaze@hotmail
Fuck...maybe we can pretend we were sick and have RAW give us an extension on the withdraw...18 years ought to do it.
Yoko Ritona: gainaxbounce@yahoo Nia Teppelin: simonandnia@gmail Kittan Bachika: blksblings@aol Rei Ayanami: tehrei@gmail Asuka Langley: tsuntsun@yahoo Shinji Ikari: emotears@hotmail Rin Tohsaka: deredere@gmail Illyasviel Einzbern: bazaka98@aol Shiro Emiya: iamarcher@yahoo
WEATHER OR NOT Today Tonight
Brawl Seriously, Brawl.
Thursday Flaming Starfish in the Sky Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor Features Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Ryan Barton Paul Winters Gary Klimowicz Chris Bielak Kah-Lai Colin Fong Tim Swanson Al P. Barbara Reed
Friday NEW CHALLENGER
?
Personals Editors Dave Guy Corey Fineman Photographer Alison Fisher What’s Shakin’ Editor Paul Winters Online Editor Sarena Mamlok Staff Artist Al P. Senior Editor Helen Ortiz
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The office of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to going all out while staying in.
THE MEDIUM
FEATURES
Wednesday, March 26th 2008
“Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water, Jill forgot her pill and now they have a daughter.”
Stupid White People
Rutgers Bus Driver Fantaasy
By: Michael Barry
People die. Most of the world has learned to deal with it. But white people haven’t managed to catch up. Last week, Lauren Burk from Auburn University and Eve Carson from the University of North Carolina were both murdered. In other news, 8,500 people died from AIDS today. Oh, that’s right that happens EVERY day. But instead of talking about that, CNN (along with every other corporate medium) has a field day every time a pretty blonde bitch gets marked. We see this type of shit all the time. It seems like the news uncovers a “new lead” in the Natalee Hollo-
way kidnapping almost every month. If you don’t remember who Holloway was, she was that blonde bitch that got kidnapped while vacationing in Aruba, and the ONLY reason we ever heard anything about her kidnapping was because you and I would’ve fucked the shit out of her. The bitch was abducted almost three years ago, but ABC News feels compelled to talk about this “story”, running an article as recently as last month with a headline that read ‘Was Natalee Holloway Drugged?’ Who fucking cares! UNC and Duke started their rival game off on Saturday night with a moment of silence for Carson who was apparently the UNC student body president. But here’s what I don’t understand: shortly after Carson’s murder, an ATM surveillance camera captured a photograph of a man using her ATM card! Anyone who gets knocked off by someone dumb enough to withdraw money
from his victim’s bank account right after the murder does NOT deserve a moment of silence. The medical examiner found no signs of sexual assault. Too bad. If you watched the game, you might have noticed Carolina Blue ribbons pinned on some of the coaches and players at the Carolina-Duke match. You might have also noticed that Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski was not wearing a ribbon. He has since been criticized for his ribbon-less-ness. Instead of ridiculing him, we should give the guy a medal. At least he had the balls to implicitly say that the world didn’t stop spinning when pretty little Eve Carson from Athens, Ga. croaked. Editor’s Note: These two are two of the lucky winners of the second Medium submission contest. Congratulations!!! Now then, don’t forget to come to our meeting tonight in the Livingston Student Center room 113 at 9:00 P.M.
Rutgers Watch Hey Loyal Medium Readers, does the new parking policy on CAC piss you off as much as it does me? If so, Give Good ol’ Jack Molenaar a ring at his office and tell him how it should be changed back to how it was.
By: The Younger Gentleman Last LX for tonight He sees her in the back. Ashkenazi perhaps? The blonde up-do gives it away. Her plaintive call: “I’m sooo drunk right now” Damn, yo. She probably puts out. “Ay mami, wanna help me drive dis thing?” “Tee hee, ok. you’re cute.” He places her gently on his lap. Her fingers grip the warm plastic wheel. He whispers gently “Put them at ten-and-two, chula.” Ugg-clad feet dangling Too high To reach the brake. “Hey, is this the stick shift?” “You know it is, girl.” Careening over curbs The student center whizzed past In a drunken blur. Last stop: A 38-year-old puerto rican’s bedroom In perth amboy. The scent of latex, coco butter And hair care products Wafting in the air Was it a dream? FIN.
By Nigs McFinkleton E-Mail:
jmolenaar@publicsafety.rutgers.edu Phone Numbers: (732) 932-4827 (908) 217-8096
Parking Garage to Bus: “Om Nom Nom” Crisis happens Knight Mover in Tears
OPINIONS
Wednesday, March 26th
“The slave owner would breed this big black with this big black woman...” - Jimmy “the Greek” Snyder
THE MEDIUM
One Reader Surprised, Appalled by Medium’s Content By: Jeremy Schiff Thoughtful Additions by Supersex Fantastic Dear recipient, I picked up an issue of the medium today to entertain me at work. Entertain me indeed, your paper is perhaps the greatest disgrace to written word ever created.
Then you have obviously never picked up a copy of Dolly! by Dolly Parton
not two) inspired, and the one praising the valentines day rapist, not edgy, not funny, just malicious and in poor taste.
Malicious? Thesaurus much... Honestly? You thought that article was “malicious?” Did it hurt you that bad? If it did, you have more issues than just with the medium... they clearly go much deeper than that...
The front page article “I totally fucked you girlfriend” was not far beyond the quality of what a young child who just learned the word fuck But what really pissed me might write. off and prompted me to write this Why a young child would know how letter, besides having an hour left to seduce and fuck my girlfriend is at work, was the article bitching beyond my comprehension... about how little money you reIts not the vulgarity or any- cieve. thing like that that made the article You poked fun at many bad, it was incredibly dull, poorly clubs that recieve University dolwritten, and like all your articles, un- lars, and regardless of the validity, funny. or lack there-of, of your arguments I’m hurt by that, and somewhat con- you must realize one thing: your fused by the writer’s obvious contra- paper is expensive toilet paper.
diction to his first point.
The Medium intentionally mas-
Some other favorites of mine terminded its use as toilet paper in were the article on being a sex slave an effort to help the environment to 2 bears...trully (truly has one “l” by being recyclable.
You are not a real paper, not your paper, because you wont, by a long shot, but furthermore you and I’m not on any sort of crusade are not a humor paper either. against your paper, I only wrote Oh... because I couldn’t contain my disYou are garbage with no gust within. agenda or purpose. Because it was so malicious... Um, we have several, two of them Keep up the good work, being the “Gay Agenda”...and the Im sure that extra funding will “Lower Your Expectations” Agen- come your way because funds tend da to go to the least deserving. (Like Your articles lack humor or any sort we really need more then 6 issues of relevance, and then you eat up a semester of this dreck anyway). space with two pages of kids print- Some people really do... ing the dumbest shit imaginable. Sincerely, That’s the point... -Jeremy Schiff, freshman And you have the audacity to complain about recieving $5000? Where in gods name to you get the balls for that.
Costco...
You are all lucky your not being charged to print this shit, but to recieve $5000 dollars that can be better spent literally in any other manner?
On hookers and cocaine!
I’m not asking you to fix
Dear Freshman: I’m sorry that you were not entertained by the content of the Medium. You are right, we are not a “humor” paper, we are an entertainment paper, and different forms of entertainment are enjoyed by different types of people. It is irritating, however, that you are bitching like a pre-pubescent girl instead of contributing. That’s the problem with this generation--all talk, no action. So quick to jump on the attack with criticism, but so fickle that they can’t change what they dislike with a little effort.
Genius or Insanity? A Trippy, Illegible Story By: Unknown Contributer
I WANT YOU YOUR OPINIONS, SERIOUSLY:
Misanthrope, brooding amidst the scenes he had bass a man arrayed in a costume hardly befitting quietly. I am dr. grimesby roylott, of stoke moran. Was interested, m. Poirot, in something you said was to remember gradually, nofret’s expression mademoiselle do me the honour? He said in french, the united states, check the laws of your country all are dim unfolding fearless in the fair half sight of a forest spreading out before us. We again and again, or the gambling of a foal running horizontally near the surface of the soil are of implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation medicine, mary poppins, i chuckled. A few paragraphs followed. no, my dear fellow, i dont think you have they been eating something that’s been bad.
WRITE TO ME:
If you or someone you know is suffering from any of the following symptoms please refer them to my email ASAP: -Increased gambling or sexual urges -Rash or unusual swelling -Heartburn/nausea -Sensitivity to light -Sudden blindness -An erection lasting longer than 6 hours Next Week: We’ll look back on the life of Jimmy the Greek, and his contribution to Evolutionary Biology and Sports Medicine.
OPINIONS@THEMEDIUM.NET Attention Readers! If you do not like the content of which you see printed here, write to me and I’ll put it in. Be the change you wish to see damnit! Stop being such lazy pricks!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
ARTS “Oh I see it now. Wait.....is he biting a tit?”
THE MEDIUM
A DO-IT-YOURSELF MOMENT Brought to you by MEAT HEAD SANDWICH
Extra: DUCT TAPE / ELECTRICAL TAPE IF NEEDED
First, Releave yourself of the 5 pound corn baby thats been curled up inside your butt for the last 3 days. + Next, insert your piping in to the toilet bowl + Open the toilet tank and balance your filter on top, make sure you seal off any openings between the filter and tank with duct tape (seal it tight as a whale’s blow hole, im talkin water tight) + Put your “magic stuff” in your filter, pack it down reeeeaall nice + Ignite with flame + Assume champion crouching stance + FLUSH & ENJOY!!!!!
20 % OFF
THE MEDIUM Hey Review: you guys are lucky I’m not as big of a dick as I pretend to be, cause one of you scene-mo kids left the computer logged in under your shit. I could have fucked with ya, but I didn’t. Now stop shitting on our paper you pricks or next time I won’t be so nice. There will be huge penises all over your front page. (True story man. Truth.) SPRING BREAK!!!! Ow... maybe I shouldn’t have done that. I’m still hoarse from yelling. Oh, shit, you have a hangover? My bad bro, I forgot. That Cancun haze was too strong last night. Wait, what? I had some Jack Daniels Ribs last night, (without Jack Daniels nor The Jack Daniel’s Experience) and now every time I burp it tastes like chicken from KFC. It’s like my body is telling me what it would have rather eaten.
PERSONALS
Wednesday, March 26th 2008
“I’m the only one in here, so no one is saying anything witty. That’s my quote, me.” You guys want some brownies? Yeah, ok, har har har, we all were thinking the same joke there. High five. Why the fuck would my professors assign work due the Monday we get back from break? Do they have no soul? Do they not understand the concept of vacation and relaxing? Actually, I don’t think they do, since they work under Rutgers, which has a void for a soul. Since we get so few breaks, I’m sure the staff just kinda freak out for a bit and don’t know what to do over break. They still come to classes expecting to see students then they go, “Oh, yeah. B-reak? Damnit, I still didn’t pronounce it right.” Fuckgers. (Damn that’s one long personal. I’m sure it was funny to the fourteen people who read it.)
I had some KFC over break. I had that ‘Famous Bowl’ thing, with the chicken, cheese, gravy, mashed potatos, corn, and all that shit. It was good, except there are whole pieces of corn in my shit. Next time I need to either chew more, teach my body to digest corn, or just never eat KFC again.
The drop course day has come and gone. The day when you realize, “...no, I really can’t pull my grades in time.” Don’t worry, there’s always next semester, or the semesters after the date when you told your friends back home when you were graduating.
Yo, they have this thing on Facebook called Dogbook. It’s like Facebook for your dog. I set one up for my dog. Unbeknownst to you, your dog already has a profile. You can find its profile under your “Relationship Status” area on Facebook.
(Luckily for you, super-seniors are still allowed to (Who’s hungry?) crash Freshman parties and be as skeevy as ever.) Anyone see that BigDog video on YouTube with the four Dear Xbox, I’m sorry I’ve legs and shit? That thing is neglected you most of soooo creepy. Its im- break. I really miss holding a age walks through my controler vs. a wiimote all nightmares, graceful- the time. I hope there are no ly, then slips over ice hard feelings between us. and recovers. I’ll be using you all the There’s no killing it! time when Grand Theft Auto 4 comes out. XOXO (The noise that thing makes is so annoying. It looks (Thank God it comes out like they took dog legs and right before finals. Now put them in stockings.) you’ll have a legitimate excuse for your parents Kraftwerk Popcorn when you bomb all those.)
Things I’m going to miss about home: Water not leaving behind pink mold in the shower, not having to hear Asian children screaming outside my window, my neighbor’s fire alarm going off, listening to music through speakers vs. headphones, a home-cooked meal, and most importantly: the ability to masturbate whenever I fucking want to.
I love being home on Spring Break. I mean, who doesn’t. But they way my mother looks at the growing number of tissues in the garbage can everyday makes me ashamed to come home. I’m only human Ma! (That’s a typo, right? That should read cum home?) I’m amazed you got home. Typically when you drive a car without any coolant for a while, the engine tends to, you know, stop working. To the females that I’m friends with at home: when you ask Push button, applaud UFO launch. Yeah, so this picture is a litif you can come over and tle blurry, but I took it with my cell phone after I finished takplay Rock Band and when I ing a piss during my econ exam. Got shit to submit? Launch it say yes, we both know you’re not going to come over and over to personals@themedium.net. We accept everything, from I’m going to play Super inside jokes, to riddles, to pictures. Don’t forget to drop by on Smash Brothers instead. Wednesdays, at 9:15 in the Livingston Student Center, Room That’s just how it works, and I guess that’s why 113. Tell us how you sat on your ass all break; we’re all ears. we’re friends. Sorry I never came over dur- Granted, I may not celebrate Spring has sprung! And thank ing break. When you asked Easter or anything like that, god. Now my nose is run(Yeah, but subjecting fe- if I wanted to come over but let’s face it: Jesus was ning all the time. I must look male friends to videogames and jam, it was two sec- waiting til all the Romans’ like I do cocaine. is all the fun. Almost as onds after I got so frustrated aggro reset and then he much as destroying them in with my guitar that I almost popped his soulstone. That’s (Your name is Dr. Rockso any game you own. You’re tore the strings off of the how it was done. Warlocks and you’re the rock and clearly doing it wrong.) neck with my bare hands. really do work miracles roll clown. You do cocaine.) I really do suck and stuff. and save religious wipes. King Dedede = I hardly have enough room King Shanaynay (Play Nirvana, it’s easy.) (WoW, you sure are a dork.) on this page to fit my penis.
(Don’t let your roommate stop you from wanking it. Just wank it and just stare at him or her with an unblinking stare until they leave the room. Works like a charm!) Dear Bioshock: So I was playing you today on Xbox, which I’ve neglected for so long, and I realized how fucking lame you are as a game. I got to the fucking end of you, after getting all the camera research and all and then you didn’t save. I started over from the beginning and now that I know the whole story and shit, you’re just so fucking bad. Fuck the hacking minigame in you, and fuck you. (Would you kindly not talk about Bioshock anymore?) I think Rutgers needs a new motto, and I thought of one: Rutgers - Where you can slowly hear your adolescence die over the sounds of gunshots near the train station and the drones of that A bus that you REALLY needed to catch. (Greg Schiano Presents: Rutgers: Still better than TCNJ, Rowan, and Rider, but on par with your safety school.) I ate a whole box of Velvetta Macaroni and Cheese at lunch. I can’t wait til I violently poop that artificial cheese out. YUMZ!!!
PERSONALS
Wednesday, March 26th 2008 to pitcher number 38, i will not s your d it is too small. p.s. try treating me like a lady next time dickface to the creepy jesus freaks at the dcc tables: I don’t want your stupid books on the evilness of homosexuality and porn. next time you ask ill papercut your eyes! (Oh SNAP!)
One day I was eating some potato chips. I spilled some on my lap, so I just ate them, but there were still crumbs on my lap. So I said to my roomate “I wish I could lick my crotch right now because of how salty it is!”... He moved out (I think I would too...)
to the little brown kid that follows me from class to class. STOPsecond guessing yourself! what are you gunna do when you have sex? “OMG is this the right whole? maybe the bellybutton? are you sure I put my dick in ur vageen?”
U
(I actually know someone who this happened to, and I’m not talking about being stalked around campus...)
To the kid who dropped their dime bag on Seminary: Thanks for the sticky sticky weed!
to the cunt nugget that gave me that dirty look outside of hickman, your ORANGE go back to the chocolate factory you fuckin oompa loompa
(Now I know where to look for good weed :-)
What? Vannessa Carlton is NOT black?????? hey slut bag that lives down the hall. When your ugly asian boyfriend fucks you its like throwing a hot dog in the grand canyon, you loose bitch! (When I hear about loose girls I prefer to say that they’re like the Lincon Tunnel, but I’ll keep that one in mind too!!) china man that makes bubble tea in the bcc, did your dad cock slap you as a kid or is that a natural mushroom-shapped birthmark -rttgruy rftty[p;’oimn ,hbg oirtnmjh ur ewlbops anmds sewmnds iot 2 tjhnew mnedxsiumm * t r a n s l a t i o n * Try typing with your elbows and send that to the personals@themedium.net. Hope I’m one of the first 20 people responding. cause I WANT THIS BOOK BAD (How about submitting something next time, asshole? Don’t be a moron like this guy and send subissions to personals@themedium. net. The contest is over but send us shit anyways! We’ll print it!)
R
“Oh fuck I need a quote.” I know you guys don’t really give a fuck about black ppl, but i’d like to thank you for wishing us, black people, a happy BLACK HISTORY MONTH; Thank you Medium Staff... (Who says we don’t care about black people? I love clothes made from cotton!)
GAY! Odarroc
That is so fucking it! I’m buying my Super NES back from the neighbor that my brother sold it to. I want to relive my childhood. JUST like Michael Jackson!
To the whore and her three friends who have subsequently moved in after the abandonment of her roommate, seriously SHUT THE FUCK UP! And CLOSE YOUR WHORING LEGS! My 85 year old Grandma does not need to hear how you and your sloppy vagina hooked up with not two, not three, but FOUR guys last night as she is kissing me goodbye. Thanks, but if I wanted to watch an episode of Whores in New Brunswick, I would have brought a tv with me to school. And by the way, move your fucking 10,000 hair appliances off the damn counter in the bathroom. You only have one head, two if you count the one in your mouth. And unless you are going to use one of the six flat irons to sear the gap between your legs shut, it’s really not gonna help you out all that much. Oh, and your blonde friend should probably a) lose some weight or b) buy bigger shirts because I don’t want to see her breasticles hanging out when I go to pee. PS Could you kindly ask your guy friend to leave the bathroom when I am trying to take a shit, it’s kind of inhibiting. Oh yeah? My penis needs more room than yours!
si
yag.
Yrogerg si a gnimalf toggaf So a few weeks ago Rutgers decided they’d do those of us who live in the bowels of Busch Campus a favor and finally install those nextbus clocks (?) at some of the more random bus stops. A nice gesture, or so it seemed. After a few days it was pretty clear that the RU Screw was truly flaunting itself as the cocky bitch that it is. Seriously, they installed those pieces of shit like 5 weeks ago and all they have managed to display is “Registering.” Fuckers. Actually no, that’s not all they display, by some miracle they manage to get the time out there, except, you now, 10 fucking minutes late. I really don’t get it, is Rutgers playing with my head? Does McCormick get his kicks knowing that I’m freezing my ass off at 2 in the morning with a stomach full of shitstone lite and fat sandwiches while waiting indefinitely for a bus that may never even come? Fucking gock cobblers. I love titties. i love big titties. i once saw a fat guy in the locker room who had some titties... his titties looked like girls titties, it was weird i kinda wanted to touch them. god bless you fatman. To the thing I saw on the LX on Wednesday: are you a man or woman? I really couldn’t tell. Moreso, are you even human? Oh, and you’re fucking ugly. When the fuck is Starcraft 2 coming out?? I want to not have a life again! Anal anal
sex sex
anal anal
sex sex
To the thing I saw on the LX on Wednesday: are you a man or woman? I really couldn’t tell. Moreso, are you even human? Oh, and you’re fucking ugly. (Ugly AND fat? I’ve never heard such a thing!) To the people I wrote to 2 weeks ago: thank you for shutting the fuck up. Class has been so much better since you both stopped fucking talking. Keep it up. What is it with sorostitutes having faces like horses? Seriously, take a picture of a horse with you and hold it next to a sorostitute. The resemblance is amazing! Fat girls need to stop wearing spandex. Seriously. To the fat girl on the LX today: I think I felt the bus rise up when you got off of it. Lose some fucking weight you pig. Why are the people in my Old Testament class so fucking stupid????? To the guy who’s exgirlfriend I’m fucking: we hooked up while you were still dating her, you worthless fuck. To the creepy,child-molesting, conservative douche bag in my education class, no one is amused by your back-handed compliments and subtle, constant jokes. We all hate you and wish you would spend less time boning kids and more time pulling your head out of your ass. I fucking hate you so much!!!!! Go choke on a little boy’s dick. We all know you’re a big queer too. To my ex-room-mate: I knew the moment I met you that I saw an evil darkness behind your shady gypsy eyes. Then you stole most of my belongings, and molested me while I was drunk. Fuck you. Go back to whatever ghetto you came from, bitch. I still can’t fucking believe that Vanessa Carlton is a honkey! Holy fucking shit! She makes shitty music.
THE MEDIUM To the fucking kid on my floor that always complains about how much work he has, and then plays a 4 hour session of Mario Kart. Next time I hear you complain then see you go play Mario Kart, I will fuckin stop that machine to pieces. To Van Dyke Hall: Why does the room have to be 100 fuckin degrees in the lecture that I am. Turn down the fuckin heat a little, the teacher is dumb enough, I dont need to die of a god damn heat stroke as well. To every cunt that stands on the bus you have to realize to things: 1. Dont stand in front of the fuckin door when people are getting on and off, do you realize how annoying that is? 2. If there is a seat take it. I dont need you standing on top of me with your ass and/or balls filling up all the space in front of my face. Next time you do it I’ll punch you right in the sack. Finally to the drivers: If you stop and wait at any more bus stops for 20 minutes for no reason, I will get up and personally drive the bus myself. There is nothing more annoying than sitting on the fucking bus with some one’s shit in my face waiting for you to drive. To my cleaning lady in my dorm. If I have to listen to you bitch and moan anymore I will fuckin snap. Im sorry that you were a teacher in your home country and now your stuck cleaning up my shit, but its not my problem. Stop with the god damn guilt trips, everyone on the floor is sick of it you cunt. No one wants to listen to your shit any more. I hate you. Get a new job so I dont have to see you anymore. Fuck you. Don’t like what you see? Send us better stuff or come to our meeting at 9:00 @ the Livingston Studen Center on Wednesday nights! Only some of us bite (the rest suck, if you know what I mean ;-) (Really, send us shit. It will reduce your time in purgatory. Ok, I’m lying about that.)
THE MEDIUM
EVENTS
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
“Events spelled backwards is Steve.”
ON CAMPUS • Friday, March 28th 2008 - Thursday, March 34th 2008 - 4th Annual Skinny Kids Camp Skelley Field, Cook Campus. Hey kids! Can you stand to gain a few pounds? Come enjoy a fun camp where you will sit around on your ass eating junk food and playing Guitar Hero. It’s just like being at home, but you get to learn group skills and shit in the woods. • Saturday, March 29th 2008 - South Asian Women’s Christian Handicapped Pharmacy Student Campus Leadership Council on Foreign Affairs and Worldwide Humanitarian Eco-Needs Monthly Activism & Cooperation Fun Fair - Livingston Student Center Atrium. Do you like being south asian and a woman and handicapped and a pharmacy student, and other shit? Then come!
OFF CAMPUS • Monday, April 1st 2008 - P Diddy feat. Puff Daddy - Madison Square Garden, NYC. Traveling from the past, Puff Daddy will unite with his future self, P Diddy, in an amazing one night only event! Don’t miss it! But if you do, you can always travel back in time to see it. Just don’t fuck up the timeline please. •The Rutgers Walk In March 27th 2008-Attention all anti-hippies, show your blind patriotism by worshipping Geroge W. Bush as the god who can do no wrong. • Original Joke Writing seminar March 28th 2008 - Looks like the guy who wrote that walk-in joke should’ve gone to this. Zing! • Saturday, March 29th 2008 - 1st Annual End of March Orgy - Giant bed, master bedroom, EIC’s house- All lesbians and bi chicks welcome, no RSVP necessary. All others- sucks to be you.
April Stools! April is fast approaching, which means the inevitable April Fools Jokes. For your reading pleasure, here are some of our favorite bathroom-themed pranks. • Hide in the tub, and wait for someone to come in. It helps if the shower curtain is opaque. If you can hold out, wait until they are leaving the bathroom and as they are closing the door, push it open and yell at them for closing it in your face. • Turn off the water at the valve near the base of the toilet. Then flush the toilet so that there is no water in the bowl. Next, take a dump and leave it there. It’s amazing what that water does for the masking the stench. • Replace their ordinary toilet with one of these asian squat toilets. • This one is from The Amazing Johnathan: Video tape your bathroom, while it is empty, for about 5 minutes. Connect the camera up to your TV. After someone leaves the bathroom, play the tape. When that unsuspecting person enters the room, everyone erupts in laughter. The poor schmuck will think he or she was being recorded on hidden camera.