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MARCH 8th, 2017
Volume LIII Issue VII 50¢ NEW SAFE SPACE
RUTGERS REPLACING AU B O N PA I N W I T H A B U S STOP GRIND ALL SAFETY OFFICER
NEW BRUNSWICK— At the end of 2016 Rutgers University decided not to renew their contract with Au Bon Pain leaving the lot on College Ave vacant. After a couple months of construction it has finally come out that Rutgers will be replacing the spot with another bus spot. This decision comes after a long deliberation period between Barchi and student government representatives. While there had been rumors circulating about a Panera taking over the space it has now been confirmed that the space will be a bus spot. Representatives from the student government announced this news this past Monday. Their reasoning behind this seems to be the excessive amount of
QUICKIES
Midget Gets Job As Doggy Doorman Cat Who Identifies as Dog Declares He Is A Good Boy
"SAFE SPACE" STOP A look into what the new bus stop is rumored to look like
people that need a bus between the front of the gym and past the student center. This need comes from multiple factors that exist between the gym and directly past the student center the main one being the amount of Greek life organizations that park their
fake “generous” asses outside of Brower and the student center to ask other students, who are even poorer than them, for money. “Yeah we’ve just been Continued on Page 2
SQUARE UP
Student Thinks He May Be Next Dalai Lama Capri Suns Are Still Fucking Dope
Turf War Erupts Between D a n c e M a r a t h o n C a n n e r s a n d Blue Ivy's Net Worth Homeless People
GIRL WHO LIKES BROWER RESIDENT INNOCENT
NEW BRUNSWICK — The streets of New Brunswick are rough-the street people, rougher. In this especially long
winter, the homeless people of New Brunswick are desperate for some spare cash for a warm meal or to support their families or drug addictions. There has been a sharp rise in the equity of New Brunswick street
corners, from the intersection of Hamilton and George by Zimmerli, to the corner of George and Commercial by the Public Safety building. But another variable has been added to the equation of an increase in panhandlers, and they go by FTK. Canners for Rutgers Dance Marathon, affectionately known as WTF?RUFKM!, are hitting the streets in their orange vests with their cans in tow. Just like we get those pesky insects in the dorms when the weather warms up, flocks of sorority girls and spirited student organization members hit the streets as Continued on Page 2
SAYING WHAT SHE SAID Since 1970
Surpasses Your 50 Year Old Parents
Pain in the Ass Kanye Finally Gets Kicked in The Ass
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NEWS
"Put a condom on before you DIE"
WHAT A MODEL WOMAN
Girl Bravely Goes Shopping By Herself
BARBARA NOT WALTERS RESIDENT CONVERSATOR
EDISON— In an unprecedented move, a young woman bravely managed to make it to the mall and shop by herself. Kara Fleming, a freshman in the School of Arts and Sciences, got in her car on Saturday afternoon and drove—all on her own—to the Menlo Park Mall in Edison. However, once she arrived, she began having doubts. “I’ve never gone shopping by myself. I don’t even go to the mall by myself! Like, who actually does?” She told reporters after the fact. Regardless, Fleming continued to walk in and out of various stores, trying on outfits. Braving through the discomfort and judging glances she got from 16 year old mean girls in Abercrombie, Fleming still managed to make a few purchases, even without getting approval from her friends first.
JESUS THANK GOD
NEW BRUNSWICK— C. J. Kumar was found emphatically dancing to K-POP music on the Tuesday morning before her Communication Theory exam outside of Alexander Library on College Avenue. “I wasn’t even high or anything last night, but I almost sent this embarrassing text message to this guy in my media class,” he told us, “It was suppose to be to my best friend, it read, ‘I heard Idris Elba’s in
Editorial Staff Spring 2017
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FUCKING LIBERALS
BUS STOP
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getting so many complaints about Greek life organizations harassing students for money that is supposedly ‘for the kids’ “I bought a couple of dresses that we decided to just give and some really cute tops. Oh students a way to get around and tons of cheap jewelry!” this” said president Barchi. The bus stop is reportedly Fleming exclaimed. “Since my friends weren’t with me, I going to be called “Safe Space” couldn’t get their validation, representing the area that but I took a big risk and bought will now be free of frats and the stuff anyway. Seriously, this sororities. Representatives from is a big deal. Girls NEVER buy different Greek organizations stuff without getting a friend’s approval first.” Despite the harrowing SHOW YOUR COLORS experience, Fleming says that TURF WAR she came out of the experience a changed woman. She says that soon as the clock strikes Spring she now feels more comfortable semester. And the streets can't going out to shop by herself, hold all of them. A turf war is and is also in the process of ensuing and it's not between trying to go on other outings by gangs, it's between sorority girls herself. and homeless men. “I am realizing that it’s The first known conflict actually a lot of fun being by between the two groups was myself. I’m awesome, fuck my spotted early last week by stupid friends,” she cried. freshman Joe Doppleman. Fleming reportedly has He was riding the F when it plans to go to the movies by was stopped at the light on herself next weekend and buy Commercial Avenue and a brawl a big ass popcorn to not share started. "All of a sudden, I saw with anyone. a girl in one of those orange
have called the new bus stop “a bus stop for pussies” and “like so rude” but these protests have fallen on deaf ears. "We just really don't care, I mean Greek life? It's not like we kiss their asses like they're the Gods and Goddesses of Rutgers!" said Barchi. "We treat them just like normal students". Reports say Greek organizations are planning a protest but until then the Safe Space is here to stay.
Much to the relief of our source, C.J. didn’t snore, albeit, she did sporadically blurt out strings of innocuous Korean phrases. Our source finds it important to assert that she knows this because her parents speak Korean and not because she is a fan of K-pop. New York right now. If he’s in The morning after these New York I’m in New York’ events took place is when C. J. with screenshot of train tickets ended her cleanse and proceeded I’d just bought. I really never to check for a response from her thought I’d be so grateful for friends when she opened up her Rutgers spotty Wifi!” phone and saw the “message C. J. claims she went back failed to send notification.’ on to studying for her Midterm a message she tried sending but wondered in the back if to her classmate who she her mind as to why her friend declined to identify. We later never texted back. According found out from word mouth to an anonymous source, she on the LX bus that dancing loudly proclaimed that she was routines had become a common on a social media cleanse for the coping mechanism for students rest of the night and fell asleep specializing in Health and in the Graduate Reading Room Wellness Communication. approximately 15 minutes later.
And we would suppose that avoided embarrassment demands a certain degree of coping. “I bet Idris is still in New York,” she said opening up her iMessage app, “I should text my friend asking if she still wants to go.” When we reminded her that she had an exam today she exclaimed what we presume to be a Korean expletive and took off running towards the general direction or the Voorhees Mall. C. J. also added later in an email to The Medium, “Mom, if you’re reading this by high I meant I was on the top floor of Alex. It has 83 floors you know. I actually got lost last week on my way to my Planet Earth exam, which is why I might have failed. They said it was going to be an easy A!”
Student Joyous over a ‘Message Failed to Send’ Notification LATKAH RESIDENT NEW KID
Wednesday, March 8th, 2017
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Sifat Mahbub Andrew Blustein Andrew Blustein
Fratypus
News Editors James Mullen III Aly Grindall Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Michael Okolo Personals Editor Rob Sanchez A7 Editor Jordan Plaut Features Editor Marissa Schwartz
...continued from front
prison vests and she jumped on the homeless man from behind and shoved her hand into his collection cup. It was like a scene from Girls Gone Wild. Honestly bruh, it kinda turned me on". Joe is still on the lookout for more FTK on homeless man action. It remains to be seen who will win this turf war, but we know one thing for sure, the streets of New Brunswick will never be the same.
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Kevin McClintock Jonathan Holzsager ake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field You
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OPINIONS
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“Just kidding, that was stupid.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What are your plans for Spring Break? “Just chilling. ” Juggalo Phil Going to buttchug 3 gallons of faygo.
“I’m going to Mexico! Pasame una cerveza por favor!”
Roberta Gonzalez Getting roofied this weekend.
“My boyfriend forgot to invite me to the movies, so crying alone.” Melissa Schwartzkopf Wanted popcorn.
CULINARY REVIEW
IHOP MOCKS MY SORROWS WITH THEIR FAUX HAPPINESS BY FUI VON WIWII
Yesterday afternoon, I walked my wretched being down to our rustic old IHOP, looking only to drown my consciousness in viscous molasses of various colors and essences. However, upon arrival at the establishment, my gloom transformed into contempt as they try to shove their family-friendly, corporate, faux happiness down my tired throat. I ordered their Create-A-Face Pancake to fashion my feelings of despair onto the canvas of a buttermilk pancake. However, they mistook my order, I suspect deliberately, and served me a Funny Face Pancake, the quintessence of mock euphoria; the edible personification of a barely legal porn star just trying to pay off debts. Afterwards, I ordered their free stack of pancakes, hoping to forget the mistakes IHOP and I have made in the past. One bite put an end to that misconception. I broke down into tears, the porous flapjacks absorbing my tears with ease. The wait staff attempted to console my shattered soul, but nothing can mend me now. The only thing I could do was leave, never to look back at the ruins I have left in my wake. 7/10. Free pancakes are still free.
Wednesday, March 8th, 2017
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
BANANAS ARE THE MOST DANGEROUS FRUIT. BY JAMES MANIFASE
I realize it’s a cliché to trip over a banana peel, but I recently learned that it’s a cliché due to being a realistic danger. Just last week I slipped over 3 bananas peels in the dining hall! That alone makes it far more menacing than non-slippery fruit, such as grapes. Bananas are also curved in such a way that it can easily be pressed against a person’s neck and block their windpipe from the outside. I watched my uncle die in a domestic dispute when I was three years old. My aunt got angry and pressed my uncle against a wall and held a banana to his neck. I thought bananas were harmless until I watched the life slowly drain out of my uncle’s eyes. To be fair, my aunt gave me the banana after the incident and it tasted mighty damn good.
CANTALOUPES ARE FAR MORE DANGEROUS BY MIKE BALUTA
The guy above mostly is sound and logical, but he appears to have forgotten about the one true terrible fruit. Cantaloupes. Unlike bananas, cantaloupes grow on vines. Which means overripe cantaloupes will eventually detach from the vine and plummet to the ground. If you just happen to be leaning on the wall directly under the vine, your head will be assaulted by roughly three pounds of food. That’s enough to mildly annoy an eight year old child. In addition, I have witnessed people slipping on cantaloupes, just as they do bananas. Since they fall to the ground naturally, the danger is greater, as more people will fall over them. The lesson here, is don’t eat fruit. Fast food is both much safer, and cheaper!
#HERSTORY
WHY ISN’T IT CALLED A HERSTERECTOMY? BY MISSY RODRIGUEZ
Ladies it’s time to take back what rightfully belongs to us. This is our month, and with our month, we need to remind ourselves that we are what make society go around. Well most of us at least. Of course, not everyone is able to help make society go round,. Plenty of women can’t help the cause and instead get their uteri removed, but what do the pigs that created these operations call them? Historectomies. That’s absolutely absurd! We need to take back our operation. Those fucks with their XY chromosomes are not getting their dicks removed, it should be called a hersterectomy. WE NEED TO MAKE A STAND. Until a man gets his uterus removed, from now on I am calling the procedure a hersterectomy, and I encourage you to do the same. Stop letting the males run this society, we put into it, we can take out of it. If the name isn’t changed, then I encourage you all to also get a hersterectomy, and together we can stop society until they take us seriously. We can put an end to this world. #Hersterectomy #Herstory #FIGHTTHEMEN #WOMENSHISTORYMONTH
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MEET T AS WE WRITE E
From the desk of The Medium Editors: Executive Order 117D: “Staff writers must go through extreme vetting before appearing on this page”
Landen Naphtali Webmaster Executive Order 18: “Donald Trump gets unlimited executive orders”
Marissa Schwartz Features Editor Executive Order 774D: “All news other than my twitter feed shall be declared false”
James Mullen News Editor Executive Order 7612: “Georgia shall return to being a penal colony”
Jordan Plaut A7 Editor Executive Order 5891: “The Purge is now in effect every day”
Aly Grindall News Editor Executive Order 1776: “Snitches get stitches
Sifat Mahbub Editor in Chi Executive O don’t allow immigrants i
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Wednesday, March 8th, 2017
THE MEDIUM EXECUTIVE ORDERS Rob Sanchez Personals Editor Executive Order 0001: “George Washington tells everyone he killed Jesus and creates democracy”
b ief Order 13769: “I w Muslims and inside me”
Jonathan Holzsager Copy Editor, I guess Executive Order 1793: “King Louis XVI to be beheaded by guillotine”
Daniel Um Just there Executive Order 45: “International Asian students deserve to fucking die”
Andrew Blustein Managing Editor Executive Order 18A: “That last cookie is mine. I’m not eating it now, but it better still be there when I get back...PS No Muslims”
Michael Okolo Arts Editor Executive Order 711: “‘Get Out’ now wins every award ever”
Jake Goldstein Opinions Editor Executive Order 19: “You can’t executive order more executive orders”
Kevin McClintock Sports Editor Executive Order 9544: “Truman had a guy take an airport”
PERSONALS
the Medium someone
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“Jeb! 2032”
7/11 Beheading FUCKED.
Wednesday, March 8th, 2017
is
(This is so alleged but if you really live for three whole seconds as just a head, that’s gotta be wild time. Someone should do the rest of the world a service and scream what they’re feeling during those three seconds, aside from the sheer panic that your head is now detached from your body.)
(The guillotine itself is an imposing project. The French were badass back then.)
It’s only been a week and I already broke my Lent promise of wearing less and going out more. (Ash Wednesday is a dumber Wednesday than most. You’re just walking around with an ISIS target on your forehead. That’s actually kinda ballsy. Just a huge fuck you to ISIS.) (What has tuna ever done to you? Tuna melt with tomato and hot sauce is the new wave.
WAS
AN
I hate when celebrities try to get way too regular person. It’s my number one reason why I hate Jennifer Lawrence and Chrissy Teigan sleeping at the Oscars I just do not believe.
My friend just broke up with her boyfriend and needs me to console her.
(That would be a pyscho thing to pose for, but I guess it’s easy to fake especially if you’re a famous person who has gotten memed at the Oscars the past two years.)
(Some friend. And I’m talking about you right now. A good friend would have ignored her calls and texts, left her on read and texted me so I could console her. I’ve had a bit of a dryspell lately, you’re self conscious friend would’ve been the best way to get back in the game.)
Chrissy Teigan is a babe.
Does God get whiskey dick? (So hot.) (God may be all powerful but Hot take, Bella Hadid is not not even he could get that that hot. shit up after a long night of (That is a blazing hot take.) drinking and partying this his dudes. The Virgin Mary aint (Old man sends back hot take that hot.) at deli, too hot.) I wonder if Drama and (Can I get a hot cup of take Chanel West Coast ever got please.) together. (But no, you’re wrong she is gorgeous. Pretty much any (Nah, Chanel and the Big friend of any Jenner is going Cat definitely did some filthy to be genetically enhanced and things off screen in that cage. (It’s funny that Drama would therefore, hot.) obviously be like a telemarketer salesman if Rob wasn’t his cousin.)
THE DUDE BEING THE DUDE
What does innuendo even mean? (CRAZY word. On the list of how words were formed that’s up there with crazier ones. It’s also spelled out exactly as it should. A rarity in the English language.) Tim Tebow says he wants to adopt a child from every continent. (That’s enough Tebow. This is him trying to be a permanent celebrity like Angelina Jolie or some shit. Props to him for recognizing it’s almost over but, no.)
DUMB WORDS
FOLIAGE EFFECT/AFFECT BRAGEDOCIOUS BEN CARSON DUMB MEDIUM THE
INSIDE
JOB
I miss the old Kanye. (Straight from the Go Kanye / Chop up the soul Kanye / Set on his goals Kanye. Although I will say I was really into Sherbert ice cream for a little bit because of him, so that was cool.)
My life is one big dark abyss of nothingness and I can’t live like this, except I probably just will continue living like this.
(Once I almost ended it all by eating like 8 Vitagummies in one sitting. I was in a dark Don’t you hate when you place.) watch an awesomely intense porn video with a Day 352: I still haven’t great storyline and slightly fucked Jared Leto. below average actors but then you can’t find remem- (Okay, this is why I don’t unber the video’s name 3 derstand you ladies. Jared Leto isn’t that attractive? Is it cus hours later? he’s rich and famous? I can be (Yes, I do. You start just search- rich and famous if I wanted, ing keywords about things you but this unhealthy and poor noticed in the background of lifestyle takes a lot to keep up. the video and next thing you We can’t all be fucking Jared know, you’re like 7 layers deep Leto’s, some of us just have to in Pornhub and you just feel settle for Kevin James.) bad about yourself so you call your mom.)
Camels are a fascinating animal.
Are you a dude? Come to our meetings on Wednesday’s, 7:45pm at the RSC room 411B. Also accepting gals I guess.
(This is insane, but I wonder what would happen if you sliced one at the hump with a katana. I’m like almost positive that’s where they store water because these beautiful creatures have to retain water whenever they can find it cus there is none of that shit where they live - in the FUCKING DESERT.) (The camel is arguably the original horse. You know the Three Kings rode into Jerusalem on camels? Yeah, right after not giving kids candy and presents because they weren’t real and neither is Santa Clause so go fuck yourself. The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are, in fact, real.)
WHAT DO YOU THINK PEOPLE WOULD DO IF I JUST LEFT THIS GRAY (GREY?) SPACE EMPTY. WOULDN’T THAT BE HILARIOUS. I THINK IT WOULD BE HILARIOUS.
Wednesday, March 8th, 2017
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F/ARTS
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“I’ll eat starbursts out of your vagina”
“SPRING BRICK” BY MIKE HAWK
REAL NEWS
***POLITICS UPDATE*** NUMBER OF TERROR ATTACKS ON AMERICAN SOIL BY FOREIGNERS SINCE TRUMP’S BAN LIFTED: 0 NUMBER OF TERROR ATTACKS ON AMERICAN SOIL BY AMERICANS SINCE TRUMP’S BAN LIFTED: A FREAKIN’ LOT
“VAGINA OF THE WEEK” BY MIKE HAWK
WE ARE THE CHANGE
THINGS MILLENNIALS ARE DOING TO COPE WITH TRUMP AS PRESIDENT By: White House Intern -Downloading a widget on my phone that changes Trump to Drumpf every time -Protesting everything -More weed
IN HONOR OF WOMENS HISTORY MONTH THE DICK OF THE WEEK HAS BEEN REPLACED WITH VAGINA OF THE WEEK. IF YOU DON’T AGREE WITH THIS, FUCK YOU I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK. IF YOU DO AGREE WITH THIS, FEEL FREE TO COME SAY HI ON WEDNESDAYS IN THE COLLEGE AVENUE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 411B AT 7:45PM!
-Becoming more politically apathetic -Working on applying for citizenship to Canada -Finding a more natural spray tan -Lobbying for Trump’s impeachment -Posting long, moving, effective rants to Facebook that are definitely making changes in the world
MARCH 8th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com THE BEST LAID PLANS...
RUTGERS TO USE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TAC T I C S I N B I G T E N TOURNAMENT MAXIMUM POWERS NOW WITH 20% LESS FAT
NEW BRUNSWICK— With prospects looking dower for the upcoming Big Ten tournament the men’s basketball team has begun making preparations to up their game plan in the first game against Ohio State. Taking pages from the playbooks of fourth graders, the team hopes that imagination and the power of “make-believe” will win them the day. Over the past week, the team has gone to work perfecting the plays and moves designed by the class of Mrs. Debbie’s fourth grade students. “The kids were so excited when Coach Pikiell asked them to write him their own playbook,” noted the middle aged teacher, “Though at first I thought it was just a fun game for the kids and never expected him to take
Child-like Wonder Rutgers tries out some of their new plays, with minimal success.
the plays seriously.” From what Rutgers Basketball allowed us to see, most of the plays involve some form of rocket or rocket propelled device which were banned in the NCAA back in 1982, but have yet to be
removed from the Big Ten due to the whole idea being really silly. The young coaches also thought up over sixty different plays involving a videogame character named “Minecraft Steve”, several routines that make use of trampolines, and
some that involve players being able to stop time. Despite the impracticality of most of these plans, Coach Pikiell is highly optimistic about the upcoming game. Pikiell told the Medium, “We decided that the best way to beat teams with better experience, is to play like those with less experience. Like that fat kid from summer camp, we are going to call fouls for any form of contact, hold the ball and cry while remarking that we can just go home, and threaten to tell our mommies if they don’t let us get at least one three throw off.” Rutgers upcoming opponent Ohio State had recently caught wind of the Scarlet Knights game plan, yet only commented to the press in a collective sigh followed by exaggerated groans.
AMERICA'S JAI-EST OFFICE
TRUMP FILLS OUT UBER-WHITE JAI ALAI TOURNAMENT BRACKET OVER NCAA TOURNAMENT THROB LOWE DROPPED AS A CHILD
WASHINGTON D.C.— Rather than participate in the annual tournament that unites the nation, Trump has elected to make picks in the World Cup of Jai Alai over the NCAA March Madness tournament. During a White House press conference a confused and sweaty Sean Spicer told the press “more people pay attention to Jai Alai than they do to college basketball. The numbers show that more people attend the World Cup of Jai Alai than they do the NAACP basketball tournament, and that’s a
the President reportedly chose Jon Denning to win the WCJA. In a diarrhetic middleof-the-night stream of tweets Trump informed the people that “Basketball is failing! Jai Alai is a $3.2 billion dollar industry, NCAA has never come close! SAD.” ESPN analysts didn’t Livin' the Jai-life know what to make of Trump taking another break from "running" the country. Trump’s prediction of an early basketball tournament ends, round fall of Timofy Carcello fact.” The World Cup of Jai Alai, giving Trump almost no because not a single analyst hosted at a private estate excuse not to participate. knew who that was. In fact, in Moscow, is set to begin Rather than choosing Duke or a total of four employees at two days after the NCAA Syracuse to win his bracket, ESPN knew what Jai Alai was.
WHOLLY ORGANIC SInce 1970