THE
MEDIUM The Entertainment Weekly of Autistic Actors
Volume XXXIV, Number 19
www.themedium.net
Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
by informing you of some of the spectacular inventions brought to us by our “gifted” friends... the Autistic.
The designer straw used above is great to drink your “moo juice” with.
The pioneer hoola hoops were used by the autistic to prevent “norms” from coming too close to them... since then the spikes have been removed.
Unbeknownst to many who eat it, the first Pop Tarts were failed attempts at making salads.... don’t ask.
Poo on a stick... autism... think about it... you’ll understand. Autistic scientists tried to creat a super Sea Lion... they failed and thus the sloppy Walrus was created.
Bobby Pins and Velcro Shoes were wonderful contributions brought to the fashion community by none other than Gay Autistic Men... brava.
EDITORIALS
“Who would win an a fight, a penis or a small shaved squirrel?”
Wednesday April 2nd 2003
This week: The Medium again degrades women by associating political subjugation with sexual acts performed by women. Ha!
Ryan Beckman presents: The Media.
The EiC Editorial Review! Burlesque Parisian Ladies! Dancing Elephants! Free 32oz Drink w/ X-Large Popcorn!
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My normal crappy editorial will return next week... I thought what Ben put was much funnier than anything I’d write... but to answer the top of the page... a shaved squirrel... as long as he still has his pubic hair. -- ryan Beckman
The President.
The tragic irony is that so many Americans voted for Bush to keep fellatio out of the White House.
Is It Trueism? Bobby McGee, bartender supreme, once quoth: When combined with ordinary water and chili powder, human semen forms a very powerful neurotoxin capable of producing instant paralysis and death.
‘The other day a gay black guy came in and ordered a watermelon cosmopolitan. I didn’t know what to say. I think its funny, but don’t be putting this anecdote in a fucking dodecahedron.”
Write Collegeben@hotmail.com to find out if it is trueism or falsish.
Fucking A. Mr. McGee, Fucking A.
Next Week:
An unbiased and compelling documentary about black men having sex with white women. Wanna fuck white bitches like these this gangstas do?* Comes to the Medium meeting: Livingston Campus Student Center Room 111 @ 9:30pm on Wednesday *Because ain’t nobody fucking white bitches like those gangstas.
Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7
Editorial F.F. News Gnuws GMG Features
Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12
Arts Heartfelt Personal Thoughts What’s Shaking?
Cover by: Ksenia Benditch & Ryan Beckman
THE
MEDIUM
CONTENTS
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor GMG Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Ryan Beckman Jim Cortina Mike Stanley Benjamin Schachtman Jim Cortina Daniel Migliore Aija McKenzie Jeff Buechner
Personals Editors Bridget Heines Bryan McKenna Photographer Elizabeth Finelli What’s Shakin’ Editor Amy Groark Online Editor Michael Wyzard Advertising Manager Ned Berke Staff Artist Carol Who? Senior Editor Amy Groark
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is noon, Sunday. The office of THE MEDIUM is located in the SAC - Cubicle N. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM SAC Box 78, New Brunswick, N.J. 08903. Send e-love to Ryan Beck@Eden.Rutgers.Edu. We got our wish! The war is funny again! That was a close one...
Wednesday, April 2nd 2003
FREEDOM FACTS
“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
YOUR TAXES PAID FOR WAR:
GET YOUR MONEY’S WORTH!* *In horribly perverse ways. Finally! The Medium is back to dead baby jokes! No more of that political crap!
Cost: Approx. $600,000* Gets ya: 1000lbs. of high explosive and one really dead baby. Bottom line: We joke about, Rumsfeld gets it done. Q. What’s red and white and never saw it coming? A. An Iraqi baby killed by a Tomahawk missile! *According to mid-90s Budget indication, individual unit costs of for Tomahawk Missiles, manufactured by Raytheon Systems Company in Tucson, Arizona, are somewhere in the neighborhood of half a million dollars. Factoring in the cost of training personal and refitting existing hardware to fire the Tomahawk weapons package brings the cost up considerably, closer to a million dollars a piece.
Acceptable Losses Cost: $6,000* per solider Gets ya: Cheaper gasoline. Bottom line: “We’re certainly not going to do anything to put our young men and women in danger precipitously.” - Gen. Richard Myers, U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff
*Families of U.S. Military personal K.I.A. receive $6,000 dollars in taxable death benefits, less than $2,000 dollars burial expensive and less than $10,000 annual pension for spouses until they remarry. Benefits are not received until K.I.A. is confirmed.
HA-HA! ISN’T THAT FUCKING FUNNY?!?
Collateral Damage
Death smells weird.
Battlefield Supremacy Cost: $379,000,000,000* Gets ya: Two liberated Iraqi citizens. Bottom line: The most expensive contract killing of all times. *The proposed 2003 U.S. Military budget represents a $48 billion dollar increase from 2002.And yes, there are nine zeros there.
Hey! We’re minorities! This isn’t our fucking war! Let us go!
They didn’t ask... Support our President. Forget about our troops!
I should’ve told.
“Mmm... Taco Sandwich...”
NEWS NEWS
Wednesday April 2nd, 2003
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Save World From Attack
Rutgers Fest Takes a Stand
By: Michael Stanley Staff Writer
By: A Wasted Mind
In an unprecedented act last week, a group known as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles saved the world from a terrorist attack. Not much is known about the planned attack, but according to Leonardo, the leader of the Turtles said “Shredder was about to charge up his weapons of mass destruction with the power from the sun and we destroyed their solar powered energy collection machine before they could hurt anyone.” Leonardo is referring to the recent destruction of a large generator found on top of a 25 story building in New York City. The man “Shredder” is actually Oroko Saki, a wanted Japanese national, a warrant has been issued for his arrest. Not much is known about the Turtles, but according to local TV reporter, April O’Neil, the Turtles are seen negatively as a group of criminals when they’re actually the ones catching the criminals. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are a group of four mutant turtles who fight crime to keep the world safe for “dudes and dudettes”. When they’re not fighting crime they’re eating pizza, with various unbelievable toppings. Not much else is known about the Turtles but we all are grateful to have these four crime fighters on our side.
Just before reporters could ask for comments, these four “heroes in the half-shell” yelled “Cowabunga,” jumped into their party van, and sped off into the night.
Finally, the malevolent bureaucracy that is Rutgers is using its powers for good instead of evil. Due to April being the National Autism Awareness Month, our president (being autistic himself) has ordered the drunken debauchery known as Rutgers Fest to be transformed into something socially relevant and beautiful. This spring, the usual barrage of pop-rap music and blink 182 wannabes will be replaced with meaningful compilations about autism and awareness of …it. The brave group of prominent performers will not only rock the crowd with their more popular hits, but also with songs dedicated to autism and societal treatment of those who have it. There will also be famous actors and other TV personalities who are going to give talks on the subject and call on people to stop discriminating against this condition. Everyone who is featured in the show is afflicted, but for some it will be a first time that they are speaking out to the public and ‘coming out of the closet’ if you will. It’s a huge step for most of these brave brave souls because they know that it might mean the end of their careers. The show will be headlined by Missy Misdemeanor Elliot, who, while suspected of being autistic by many, is finally admitting the truth with her soulful song “I’m A Fecophiliac”. The line up also includes such big names as Keanu Reeves, who divulges the reason for his slow speech is that he is actually constantly preoccupied with fighting off the bright moving spots that he sees everywhere. Alicia Silverstone will also attend and share personal stories of bravery during years of sitting in a corner and rocking back and forth. Mace, Timabaland and Magoo will be the other famous rappers attending, while on the softer side of things, Celine Dion will perform a tearful rendition of “Why Can’t I Stop Playing With My Own Feces?” which is sure to become the new anthem of diversity and acceptance. Tom Cruise will also share stories of his battles with the green monster who lives under his bed along with his wife, (rumor has it they met at a support group for people who bang their heads against the wall). The show will also feature a dance troupe composed entirely of autistic boys and girls who will perform a complicated interpretative dance titled “These Are Not My Hands – Get Them Off Me.” All in all, the show promises to be a big success, with world wide media coverage and a speech from not only our president, but also The President – George Bush, who will now become the spokesperson for the Autistic Freaks United Against Hatred, Misunderstanding, And Shiny Objects. I hope you all will attend, I certainly will be there, wielding poo on a stick as a sign of my own autistic heritage. Long Live Autism!
Impotence Caused by Laughing At the Disabled By George Baxter Recently Harison Plume, a professional fluffer, uncovered some shocking news while at home. “I was sitting around watching tv… playing a game I like to call, flip and stroke when it hit me.” (Before this article continues I shall let the reader know… Harison’s game is basically jerking off flipping through the channels. If you cum when someone attractive is on the screen you receive 0 points…if it is a child or animal… you kill yourself… if it is an elderly man in a diaper commercial… you get 7 points. Basically the less arousing something should be, the more points you get….) “This keeps me ready for any situation at work… I get to practice bringing a dipping wang back to full throttle as quickly as possible.”
“White Humor” by Brian Tarus
But Harison came across a problem when two retarded men showed up on the screen and started playing basketball. “I couldn’t stop laughing at that shit man… the goofy bastards kept hitting each other with the ball… Classic man… classic.” Well since then Harison has been unable to maintain an erection. Doctors say that the vibrations from Harison’s diaphragm may have shaken the blood from his swollen penis. After that the impotence was psychological… until this morning when it became a permanent problem… because he shot himself in the face. “It’s for the best,” his girlfriend said while fucking the shotgun he killed himself with, “I don’t need some pussy that can’t even keep it up.”
Why’s this got to be the only black box on the page? It’s always got to be like that. Shit, man. You wanna know the real reason this is the only black box on the page? Come to a Medium meeting 9:30 tonight LSC 111. I will leave the rest of this space blank for my fallen homies.
“I’m gay and so is my girlfriend.”
Confessions of a Teenage Master Debator By Ted O’Brien Ever since I can remember, I’ve been a masturbating fiend, gobbling up pornography like it was Kentucky Fried Chicken. I think I first discovered the act when I was about 12 years old, sitting there playing with my erect penis when suddenly a funny substance came out and my large penis quickly fell limp. I panicked! This substance wasn’t piss, it didn’t taste like piss—its consistency was thicker, and it was so sticky. I freaked. Oh my god! I broke it….I broke it. My favorite play toy was broken! What was I supposed to do? Should I tell my mother? “Mom, Mom, I broke my penis!” What would she say? “Well, what were you doing with it?” Fuck that! This was something I was gonna solve on my own. But I really didn’t know how, so I just prayed to God that somehow it would get fixed. Luckily for me, the next day it was back to normal and I soon realized that that special sauce that had come out was indeed not piss, but the magical baby juice known as semen, and that it signified male orgasm. Oh, I was a smart boy. And soon my eyes turned to online porn, the medium that provided the easiest and fastest access to hardcore porn available to teenage boys. But in all my years of searching for online porn, I have never come across anything as mind-blowing as BangBus. As the website touts, it is the original story of two guys, a video camera, a big fucking bus, and a lesson into the depths of human debauchery. What these two guys do is find unsuspecting women and invite them into the bus, enticing them with quick cash for just talking and hanging out with them. However, the two guys slowly persuade the women to flash them for some more money, and later to even take off all her clothes for even more money. Soon, they convince the girls to have sex with a dude they call “Ugly.” Take a guess why they call him that. The site allowed me to download previews of these bang bus movies that lasted about a minute. That minute was simply heaven sir, let me tell you. They lure a woman into a bus, promise her quick cash, and soon fuck her showing to her and the world that almost all girls are sluts, or rather, that they have the potential to be sluts. Afterwards, they drop her off at some remote place giving her either fake money or a fake check, leaving her screaming with vengeful anger. Haha. They’re hilarious. Dumb bitches. But sadly, I think I am not alone in the belief that these are merely rehearsed performances and are as real as the Easter Bunny. I have seen similar porn, notably the MILF Hunter who goes after hot moms and quickly fucks them. Right…that’s as likely as cows taking control of the planet. But who knows, it could be real. Everyday I pray to God that what I jerk off to is as real as grandma’s apple pie. But alas, as the last drops of cum ooze out of my penis, who really cares? It is still quality entertainment that gets the job done. And you never know, those cows are always mooing……. (Ed. Note - Methinks that debate was hardly masterful.)
Wang is delicious. Think otherwise? Then send articles to pinkeyedjim@hotmail.com. www.themedium.net www.pinkeyedjim.com www.ilovemartinscock.com www.yahoo.com
NEWS
White Trash Couple has Argument; Embarrass Selves in C-Town By “Pink Eyed” Jim Cortina People hoping for nothing more than thirty-nine cent cans of beef got more than they had bargained for in the George St. CTown this Friday; they also got an earful. Tom and Marla JoadMaples broke into a festering argument in Aisle three that was audible throughout the whole of the “super”market. What follows is a loose transcript. Tom Joad-Maples: Woman, if you don’t shut yer yap… Marla Joad-Maples: What, Tom, you gonna rub me down with pork fat? TJM: No, Im’ma put my boot so far up yer cooter that ye’ll feel the tickle in yer uterus. MJM: You’d be better off to just turn and run, ‘fore I brain you with these here beans! TJM: There you go again, actin’ all tough. I wasn’t the one cried about the ‘cute little puppies’ last time we smoked pot together. MJM: ‘Least I never ate a biscuit dipped in cold pork fat! TJM: I had the friggin’ munchies worse’n a starved ‘coon. The C-Town’s Spanish speaking clientele were spared the disgusting details of the above argument, due to their inability to speak even proper English, not to mention redneck “English.” Since The Meduim is a progressive paper, not wishing to withhold important news from less fortunate individuals, here is a Spanish translation. Thanks are due to Miguel Manchado. TJM: Mujer, si usted no callas.. MJM: ¿Qué Tom?, ¿Vas a poner carne de cerdo en mi piel? TJM: No, voy a poner mi bota en su chocha hasta que siente en su útero.
you are gay youaregay
Wednesday April 2nd, 2003
A Moment With Troll A time comes in every man’s life when he must question his own bodily functions. This week’s “A Moment With Troll” explores this fascinating occurance. The following is an in-depth look at that which is only known as Troll. Hey Look Here: ed koch is gay? Troll: yes Hey Look Here : what with that nice bald head and all, it was obvious Troll: u just want more on ur side Hey Look Here : you bet Troll: u wont win u know Troll: u will all be defeated… damn axis of homo and their coalition of gay Hey Look Here : hey! we’re up to about 10% already man Hey Look Here : we’ll get there Hey Look Here : what with the motivation of toaster oven prizes... Troll: my fart smells Hey Look Here : lovely Troll: its like lingering Troll: it cant be mine Troll:it was such a tiny fart Troll: what the hell?! Troll: maybe Josh [ Josh is Troll’s roommate-ed.] crapped his pants Troll: that MUST be it Hey Look Here : no other explanation, really Troll: it went away... and now i have farted again to test my theory Troll: hmm Troll: yep... its me Troll: goddamn chinese food Hey Look Here : eww
“ ‘Sorry’ doesn’t put the thumb back on the hand!”
A Public Service Announcement From Alexander the Poet Upon the request of some fans who have emailed me wanting advice on how they can cope with being a virgin at an age older than 18, I have been inspired to write an essay on this matter. This essay is to hopefully provide some good advice to those people who may still be virgins past the age of 18, who are having difficulty coping with it ,since it seems,mostly everyone these days, has sex before they turn 18. So without further ado, here are a few methods that are very affordable that I, Alexander The Poet, personally practice, to cope with being a virgin at 27 years old.
Scary McBlackdude offers a friendly warning to those sluts, er, womens, who plan on going to Frat Row this weekend.
1. Humping Pillows Ok. I must admit. I haven’t done this recently. In fact, I believe I did this when I was just discovering masturbation, around 15 or 16. It did it’s job at the time to give me satisfaction. But then I simply got bored with it. If you do, decide to hump pillows, remember which ones they are, because it will totally suck if you end up feeling some wet sticky jizz on your hair or face, unless ofcourse you are a freaky virgin ho. Total cost of relief = you probably have what you need at home already. Just remember to wash it afterwards. 2. Making Holes In Objects This may apply to male virgins more so than female virgins. Find any object in your house and make a hole in it! Then slide your pecker in it and thrust it in and out, at a tempo you are comfortable with. If it happens to be an apple or cantaloupe, make sure you dispose of it after you cum in it! Unless of course, you’re a freaky virgin ho. I myself have never done this method with fruits. However I did try one time doing it with an empty toilet paper thingy. You know, that cylinder shaped thing you get once you finish the roll. In addition, I poured on some shaving cream in it to minimize rashes and burns on my cock. Total cost of relief = Free. Just make a hole in anything you find! 3. Porn Magazines This is the probably the most common way to cope with virginity. Buy yourself a smut magazine like “Barely Legal” or something and masturbate away! Total cost of relief = less than $10. 4. Blow Up Dolls This method is the old fashioned standby. If you can deal with pumping up these bitches to inflate, then by all means, go for it. But I find this method very unsuccessful. Plus they are very easy to make holes in them. The kind of holes that are not wanted because you will no longer be able to inflate them. Total cost of relief= about $20
Wednesday, April 2, 2003
5. Sextoys I guess if you are a female virgin, you’ll probably get satisfaction from either a dildo or a vibrator. For male virgins, they have pornstar replica vaginas. I myself have never tried it so I can’t really say if it helps to cope with virginity or not. Total cost of relief = varies 6. Porn Videos I seem to prefer videos over porn mags better cause it is just more erotic. And I could pause or rewind and watch the same hot scenes over and over again! And while you watch, rub yourself to orgasm! Total cost of relief = usually less than $25. Cheaper if you buy more than 1. 7. Internet Porn Browse porn, I mean, a shitload of porn. There are many “free” pornsites on the web that have nice quality shit. And while you browse, rub your genitalia. Keep on rubbing it until you cum. Once you cum, you will feel awesome! I know I fucking do! Total cost of relief = whatever your monthly internet access costs. 8. Cybersex This method may only work on those virgins who are very creative and have great imagination. I know I do. You just need to visualize the scenario, that’s all there is to it! Of course, much like Internet Porn, you have to rub your genitalia throughout the session. Or until you cum. Then you can stop the session. Because once you cum, you’re all good to go! If you are lucky enough, you may find people who will do all the typing while you just do all the stroking! I love those kind of people! Total cost of relief: whatever your monthly internet access costs. 9. Strip Clubs Visit strip clubs. No need to get lapdances, although you could if you want. But if you are short on cash, you can just sit close to a stage area where strippers “dance” and they will crawl to you and shove your head between their boobies, and let you possibly get a feel for them as well. Just pay a cover charge and bring a few extra bucks to tip them with, and to buy a drink or two. Total cost of relief = less than $25 10. Massage Parlors Ah yes, you know the kind I’m talking about. The ones where the masseuses are either Asian or Russian. Because it’s those massage parlors that give you that “massage” you really want! I must say, that this method is perhaps the best way to relieve all that sexual frustration you have built up inside so many years. But a word of advice, make sure you go to a massage parlor like this before it gets busted and closed down for soliciting prostitution. Total cost of relief = this can be quite pricey but fucking worth it if you’re a virgin! Do these methods and you should be able to cope without getting real immediate sex. I know I somehow do!But remember, that special soulmate for you is out there, so keep your eyes opened. Until then, enjoy yourself by trying my methods. Hope this will help some of you.
Staff Asian #3 enjoys his dinner.
GMG
Wednesday, April 2, 2003
“Hey! Look over there! Sluts making out!”
Features
UNDERGRAD STUPIDITY “I need to pass this class!” by The Evil T.A. Greetings, losers! I’m The Evil T.A. and I just might be taking a break from grading YOUR pathetic attempts at homework to write this column. I’m going to be doing a few of these articles to not only entertain you with stories of your stupidity but to let you know that you can’t get away with anything. You see, we T.A.s are grad students, so we’ve been undergrads and we know the shit you pull to get out of learning things. I know finals are still several weeks away, but I can smell this one coming already. It will begin in the last week of classes, when you idiot undergrads will realize, “Hey! I want a decent grade in this class and maybe I shouldn’t have slept through these past 20 sessions!” Maybe, just maybe, you’ll have the graded tests and homework that’ve been passed back to you and you’ll notice your grades aren’t stellar. So what will you fools do? Well, you won’t say, “Wow, I’ve been irresponsible and I’d better study hard for the final in hopes I can squeak by with a C.” No, what you will do is come to your T.A. and say something stupid like, “I really need to pass this class.” Maybe you’ll add some bullshit to the end like, “...to get into grad school” or “...because I want to transfer to [equally crappy university]” or the classic “...because I need to graduate.” Just what do you expect your prof to say in response to this? “Oh my, well, let me just adjust your grades for you to accommodate you! Sorry for the scare, Ms. Braindead, I’m so glad you told me you need to pass this class! I wouldn’t want your LACK OF WORK TO GET IN THE WAY OF THAT!!!” Even better is when they add the qualifier to the end. It begs for a response of “Why, yes, you do need to pass this class to graduate. And you got Ds on all your tests and didn’t come see me once for help. What are you going to do about it now, Mr. Dumbshit?” For some of the other answers, I’ve been quite tempted to say, “I’m sorry, but as a representative of grad school, I can tell you that you aren’t wanted here.” Today’s lesson, buffoons, is to get your shit done during the semester. If you take a look at the damn syllabus once in a while, you might notice that the final exam isn’t always that much of the total grade, so if you do well on the rest of the class work, the final’s nothing to stress over. But don’t come to your T.A. (or real professor) and say that you “need” to pass this class, it tells us that you see your doom is nigh and don’t care to take responsibility for it. Are YOU a T.A. and want to share your story of Undergrad Stupidity with this loser University? Send me your story at RUEvilTA@yahoo.com.
I told you I would shoot. But you didn’t believe me. WHY DIDN”T YOU BELIEVE ME? Now that poor little puppy’s dead, because you didn’t come to a Medium Meeting at LSC Room 111. But that’s okay, because women this hot will have sex with you repeatedly if you submit to FeaturesEd@yahoo.com. And if you do that, I won’t have to kill any more puppies. I’m just kidding. I’ll probably kill them anyway.
Arts
“I’m not your muffuckin DAWG, Erica!”
To Check Out:
“LIVE” at Brookdale Community College
~also from Ned Berke~
a review by Ned Berke
(God, I love submissions - Arts) Lake Trout – from the Lake Trout website (www.laketrout.com <http://www.laketrout.com/>): “Lake Trout is a cutting-edge five-piece from Baltimore that has created an innovative sound characterized by dark, subtle melodies and ethereal vocals, blended with thick bass lines and driving beats. The musical ambiance produced ranges from minimalist and cinematic to epic and sonically explosive. Their music combines rock, drum n bass, and a variety of influences. However, it is not limited in concept or structure and subverts pre-conceived notions regarding musical boundaries. Lake Trout has created a truly unique sound and vision that goes beyond the trappings of the standard rock and roll formula. Exploring and remaining open to new music ideas they consciously seek to redefine and reshape their music, successfully transcending categorization, while sustaining a solid and expanding fan base. This style displays a diversity of influences that range from DJ Shadow and Amon Tobin to bands like Pink Floyd, The Pixies and Nirvana. Lake Trout reinvents modern music in a haunting way that has a mass appeal.” My comments: This is an awesome band, and this description is pretty fitting. The thing I’d suggest is a name change. The only thing related to fish, other than fish themselves, that people like is pussy. Whores: send your submissions to shorty_fat_Fat@yahoo.com. And while you’re at it, come to a Medium meeting. Tonight (yes, tonight) at the LSC 111, 9:30 PM. Fool.
Hey Maurice, where’s that Darling friend of yours Johnny?
Watch it now! Watch it now!
Oooooh, didn’t you hear? He’s got the HIV, got it from Francisssssssss
sob, sob, sob.
Sob, Sob, Sob.
Comics DoubleHeader: Living with the HIV by Johnny Thirdworld
Shoot, I bet Faggy McHomo can’t Freestyle Breakdance like me. I’m one Bad MAMAJAMA!
Wednesday, April 2, 2003
The day started off with a troubling and unwanted exploration of New Jersey using NJTransit Rail system to get… somewhere else in Jersey. I don’t know where exactly, this state all looks the same to me. All I know is I ended up at the Robert Collins Arena at Brookdale Community College somehow, and that’s all that mattered. I was there to see LIVE perform, thanks to the generosity of Concerts East, and all in all I had a great time. My anxiety about the show was due to that it was a tiny venue, and it had failed to sell out – this is always disheartening to both a fan and anyone just wanting to see a good show. A large, tightly packed in audience means energy and attitude which in turn means a good show. I found out later that shows at Brookdale never sell out, probably because it seems to be in bum-fuck nowhere. The doors opened at seven and the masses spilled in and got as close to the stage as possible. Pre-show discussions with strangers began about the band, and how many times each person has seen them; the usual pre-show chatter. As for the opener, it was rumored that it was a local band named Lake Trout. The room went dark; a quick hush and intake of breath emerged from the crowd, and then a roar of cheers for the opening band erupted all within a few brief seconds. The members of Lake Trout came out and unexpectedly totally kicked ass. It was a pleasant surprise, as well as a fresh sound. The Baltimore band played a few songs filled with melodic, ambient sounds. The music was dark and leery and at the same time very refreshing and sent a stream of energy into the crowd – of which almost none of them had heard of the band a priori. Their songs built up to explosive climaxes, bringing the crowds energy with them. Woody Ranere’s self-described “ethereal” voice sounded like a cool combination of Dave Mathews and Thom Yorke, and sang with a rhythm akin to Cake’s John McCrea. It sounds odd on paper, but it sounds awesome in reality. This was one of the best opening acts I have ever seen. LIVE soon came out to the cheers and calls of the audience and began to play. LIVE has begun touring small colleges to test their new material which will be on their sixth album, Birds of Pray, coming out in May. The claim LIVE has been making is that this album will be returning to their old style, rather than the new experimental style of V, their fifth album. This is most definitely a good decision if it’s true, but so many bands say they’re going back to old school and they fail miserably. On March 27th at Brookdale Community College they proved that theory wrong. LIVE kicked ass, as usual, and their new songs definitely do make a return to the old. Filled with the heavy guitar melodies that made them famous with songs like Lightening Crashes, Lakini’s Juice, and Dolphin’s Cry, this album will sell. Their first new single off this album will be Heaven, a song played at the concert which was well received by the audience. Of course, the band played the old favorites to a screaming, energetic crowd. Ed Kowalcyzk (Vocals) was all over the stage, singing and sweating intensely. He said his piece about peace – saying he hated “war and killing and all that shit” and just wanted it to be over. He sang with fury and violence and intensity, really lighting up the stage. Chad Taylor (Guitar), sporting a new mohawk, hammered out some cool solo’s, and really jammed out with the crowd. At the nights end, I certainly left feeling like I had just seen one of the greatest shows in my life. This performance definitely gets an A in my book, and I’ll definitely be picking up the new album, Birds of Prey, when it’s released May 19th.
Wednesday, April 2, 2003
“A little bit of pussy never hurt anybody. Except for when it pulls out a homemade shiv and stabs you in the fuckin’ face. Then it hurts.”
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Personals Personals To My Microeconmics Professor: You Are A Homosexual To The Max. Stop Molesting Little Boys You Freak! (To My Microeconomics Professor: Thanks for molesting me last night and givin’ me an A on the Exam) dear mom, You’re the saddest, piss-poor excuse for a man that I’ve ever seen, you chromosome-deficient uberimpotent rat-faced tardpopsicle. Celibate? You mean in the closet, right? The last time I saw something as fugly as you, I was cleaning up after my dog. I’ve seen better looking road kill. You’re a neo-Nazi, fundamentalist militant Republican-voting megaasshole scumbag. Calling you a pea brain would be an insult to peas, you jellyfish-sucking mental midget. You’re so short, you’d have to get a running start to get up on a toilet. You could sit on a piece of toilet paper and dangle your feet. If you were ever kidnapped and eaten by a cannibal tribe, they’d all die of high cholesterol, you fat fuck. Do you get a clearer idea of how pathetic you are, you minimum wage earning human equivalent of a bidet? I like that outfit you’re wearing. You should hang on to it. It’ll probably come back in style some day. Why don’t you stop gyrating that gaping misplaced asshole of a mouth on your face for a fucking minute so I can see what the fuck a gibbering witless gimp looks like? To The Dirty Gook Who Kept Laughing @ me everytime I died on Time Crisis. Go Fuck Yourself, I want to see if your boat smelling ass can Survive 1 Hour of Time Crisis w/o getting shot. Fuck You Man, Fuck You, Banchod. (I love time crisis, i spent like 5 bucks beating that game at one of those huge fucking arcades in vegas to keep myself cool in the 110 degree heat) My 1 wish it just for laymil to just crawl into a hole and DIE! (All this love for this laymil character...we print them as we get them, folks)
“how the fuck...who the fuck...what the fuck...how did you fuckin...”
Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
For the bastard Indian who Did WELL on the PolySci Term Paper: I dont give a fuck if the TA thinks your paper is exceptional. Fuck You Man, this is fucking bullshit, your paper was a copy of mine except you agreed with all the bullshit I disagreed on. WELL FUCK YOU MAN, JUST FUCK YOU. I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE TA’s GRADING ITS FUCKING BULLSHIT I KNOW. FUCK YOU MAN FUCK YOU UP YOUR CURRY INFESTEd ASSS. (well, curry cures cancer, so i guess at least he’s safe from the big prostate “c”.) For Great Asian Porn go to www.vcd1.com or www.dynamix.net (I prefer thehun.com, that’s where I get most of the lovely pictures that all of you see on www.themedium.net www.ronfez.net these pages weekly.) www.ilovemartinscock.com
To the whore on Livingston, Please let my pinoy cock get the opportunity to tap your sweet ass. With much love, me. To The Zionist bastards: Why do you think its cool when a dumb chink tries to stop a barrage of tanks, yet you think its completely retarded when a (Yes ma’am. No more dirty slut tries to stop a bulldozer? personals from us...no way in (Those mormon bastards... hell. On second thought, take they can shove the book up your buttplug out so you can mormon so far up their asses relieve that big dumb you’ve that they choke, self-righbeen holdin in for some time. teous bastards.) Maybe it’ll make you feel a To My Gay Roommate: little...more free.) Please stop bringing your to my gay suitemate #1: Thanks whore to our room. I cant hear for not jizzing on the chair myself jerking off when she tonight. to my gay suitemate #2: started sucking you off. Thanks for not trying to rape my virgin asshole tonight. to my (If you ignore the misgya suitemate #3: Thanks for matched tenses, it’s actually not taping me undress with my pretty funny.) webcam last week. www.slutgers.com is the (Wow, you live with three gay sorriest excuse for funny I’ve guys? you must be the lucki- ever seen. I can’t believe est man on earth...I live with people actually collaborated on one, and it’s a fucking blast!) that crap. Die. If we had a race war on (and to think I was just putRutgers All the Asians would ting those slutgers.com perside with Busch All The sonals up cause i thought Mexicans and Blacks would they were catchy...there’s a go to Livingston All the website too? awesome! and Cracker would run to College they have the slutgers thong!! Ave In the End of this war not the original, unfortuBusch would look like nately...) Livingston Livingston would To The Whore At The Suites: look like Newark and College Nice Job On The Video, I saw Ave would look like a fucking from my jerkoff roommate last Concentration Camp. While night. You got a nice ass and Why Are Germans Afraid To the Farmers and Dykes At know how to work that Fight? They Only Gassed 6 Cook/Douglass would be Cootch. Too bad you dont Million Jews in the last War? partying and raping sheep know why guys also try to grab While Jews still Gas and Beat since they have nothing your ass whenever we see you Up Arabs everyday on College important and are too fucked around the Suites. Haha, I want Ave. up to fight in the race war. to try you on someday. To The Whore At The River Dorms: IT WAS ME WHO JIZZED ALL OVER YOUR FACE AND PUSSY LAST NIGHT BITCH! (I should get over to the river dorms, then. -Ed.)
Everyone loves a 30-year-old schoolgirl, right?? RIGHT?!? If you wanna see more, come to a Medium Meeting, 9:30 LSC 111 Wednesday nights, for 30-year olds with 10th grade educations.
You’d be surprised at the number of people who still don’t know our email address: olsentwins@ seductive.com. send all personals from your eden account, tards.
To the Medium Staff: Please cease and desist with all “Personals” that make disparaging remarks towards homosexuals, chinese and most of all women. Please end this nonsense or I will have to file a complaint to the Office of Student Life On Busch.
Wed. April 3 (Ha Ha April Fools! It’s actually the 2nd)
“Trust me, you don’t want THIS Cracka in your soup.” do you think these personals are real? well, if they are, i lost my cell phone. i need it back for my telephone list of prositutes. i’m feeling really lonely and can’t find any more lesbian bitches. can you please call my home number and let me know? i’ll reward you with a personal gift that i know you will appreciate.
And who said Locks For Love Didn’t Do Anything for those poor lil’ Cancer Kids. Look at the smile on that bush. By the Way, come to the medium meeting tonight at 9:30 P.M. in the Livingston Student Center, Room 111A Fuck You Housing. Fuck You For Fucking Me Over for the Unteenth Time, first it was the naked, floor humping roommate, then taking almost 6 months to fix a leaky heater, and now this: fucking me over (Yes Opie and Anthony for Next Year’s Housings. Damn you people, you’re all will be missed. R.I.P. in stinger than Jews and more the two-double O-three.) assholic than fucking NAzis. Shame of you Dirty Hos. www.themedium.net (A Jewish Nazi? Now that just asks for some fun) I just wanted say that I fucking want the guy who gave the ‘fuck you’ to Infinity Broadcasting about O&A and Ron and Fez. I miss them too and I love this pissed off guy. Love, a hardcore female O&A listener
(Ya know, I’ve said it before, and I’m gonna say it again: Ryan, you are a douchebag.) {Dude I didn’t send that... some ChiLilin girl jacked my coputer--EiC} to the Ben Affleck look alike with the hugest biceps ive ever seen, you make me so fucking hot. i see you here and there around college ave and all i want to do is rip your clothes off and ride your huge cock. i would also love to give you oral pleasure all night long and let you cum all over my huge breasts.
(Wait a minute, Ben Affleck now? or 1974? Cuz if it’s in ‘74 he was an asshole in that movie and yes he might be hot, but it’s statistically proven that the semen of people that are known as assholes is extremely bad tasting.) (Ya know, it’s also statistically proven that 74% of all statistics are made up on the spot.) For great Sex Look For The Tall Oriental Kid On The First Floor. He has glasses and looks drugged. GWM Preferred. If you pay him an extra Nickel, he will throw in his Gay Cumbat Suitemate for FREE! (Yao Ming goes to Rutgers? Cuz that’s the only way a tall kid can be oriental)
No Funny Caption, Just your everyday ugly person and your reminder to send your personals in, to olsentwins@seductive.com
www.slutgers.com - the only place where you will find the Man-Whore of the Month: Rob. Enter today and win a date with one of Slutgers’ most prestigious man-whores! Yo Yo Whats Up My Chinks? Yo YO I Am Not A Fucking Ricer? I Am a Chinkee Just like a Dirty Jew I Am Also Cheap and Beat Up On Arabs Asian Pride Bitch Got Rice?
Bitchy Personal `Of The Week Pissed . Off . Personal Of . The Week To the douche bag whose shit hole, we mean apartment we had to live in for a week: In response to your personal, you’re apartment gives shit a bad name. We can only imagine the pubes you found were from your boyfriend since it’s clear a pussy hasn’t touched that apartment since your fat ass moved in. Is that why you’re so fucking fat? So that when your boyfriend is pounding you in the ass you have lots of padding. Grow some fucking balls. The only reason you wrote a personal was because when you tried to yell at us, we shut your faggot ass up. And just so you know, since you didn’t have any toilet paper, we used shirts that were in your drawers to wipe our asses with. And oh yea, that white stuff you found was jizz. Just hope you found all of it because some of it shot into a towel that was hanging in there. I hope it was yours. So watch yourself. If we ever see your McDonald’s-eating, shitlicking, cock-sucking faggot ass again, you will have your ass handed to you. And remember, we already know where you live. Enjoy your shitty pussyless life where the only head you get is from the dog. Love, squatters (Actually, the only reason I wrote you a personal last week is cause I’m the personals editor, and I can do that. It’s rather generous of me to print this for you, but I figure it’s the least I can do to let your homophobic bashings be heard. Hope you choke on your own dicks.)
Personals Personals to my ex-oriental doll: What a putrid waste of a vagina you are. I’m not surprised you’re single, you pimplefaced perpetual wedgie victim. If you’re beautiful, Quasimodo is a former Mr. Universe, you full-of-yourself baboon buttugly bulbous babbling boob. You’re the kind pathological liar who even lies to an insult generator. You’re the typical left-wing, know-nothing, good-for-nothing, bleeding heart bungling bum who thinks the world owes you a living. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth? Like your height, everything about you is average; except your stench which is overwhelming. You scrawnyassed, anorexic African famine victim; if you had dreads, I’d grab you by your ankles and use you to mop the floor. Professional, my ass. You couldn’t win a cigar after giving birth in a tobacco field in Havana, you clueless, uberincompetent fuckwit. You couldn’t look like a bigger ass in that outfit if you were attached to the backside of Oprah. Why don’t you stop gyrating that gaping misplaced asshole of a mouth on your face for a fucking minute so I can see what the fuck a gibbering witless gimp actually looks like? (Honestly, I really didn’t even bother reading this one, so no comment, just something to apologize to anyone who’s full name might be in here. And another apology to any of you out there who this ths last personal is retarded.) Question: Why are Indians So Goddamn Smelly? Why Are Jews So Goddamn Cheap? Why Are Chinks so Goddamn Arrogant? Why Are Asian Girls So Flatchested? Why Are White People So Goddamn Ignorant? (Question: Why are you too much of a pussy not to pick on black people? I mean I could think of a thousand things wrong with that race. .Oh, and in answer to all of you questions: The Communists.) Fuck You. Stop Make Fun Of Chinese people. Not Funny. Yes, it is; but only cuz you have a small penis
“It’s a blah-blah-blah and a yackety-schmackety.”
New York Wed 4/2 - Godspeed You! Black Emperor - Bowery Ballroom Wed 4/2 - All-American Rejects - Irving Plaza Thur 4/3 - Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Bowery Ballroom Thur 4/3, Fri 4/4 - Rusted Root - Irving Plaza Sat 4/5 - Susan Tedeschi - Irving Plaza Sun 4/6 - Nerf Herder - The Continental Sun 4/6 - Common - Roseland Ballroom Tue 4/8 - Sahara Hotnights - Mercury Lounge Wed 4/9 - Fischerspooner - Hammerstein Ballroom Wed 4/9 - Willie Nelson - Beacon Theater Wed 4/9, Thur 4/10 - Spoon - Irving Plaza Thur 4/10 - Vic Chesnutt, M. Ward - Knitting Factory Thur 4/10, Fri 4/11 - Def Leppard - Beacon Theater Fri 4/11 - Joe Jackson Band - Irving Plaza Sat 4/12 - The Vines - Roseland Ballroom
Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
submit an event to orgykarma@yahoo.com
What’s Shakin’
It’s snowing again? That’s pretty sadistic.
You don’t want to make this poor clown cry, do you? Then come to the Medium meeting! 9:30 tonight, at LSC 111
http:// www.themedium.net
Monday, April 7th Kol Hayala, Jewish a capella group 8 pm @ NJC Lounge, DCC Sponsored by DAB - FREE!
Friday, April 11th Tales from the Bejing Opera: A Performance by Strange Candy Chinese Theatre 8 pm @ Trayes Hall, DCC Sponsored by DAB - FREE! FREE FOOD!
New Jersey Wed 4/2 - Antigone Rising, Marc Broussard - Maxwell’s Thur 4/3 - Hot Hot Heat - Maxwell’s Fri 4/4 - All-American Rejects, Motion City Soundtrack - Birch Hill Fri 4/4 - Hot Hot Heat - Stingrays Fri 4/4 - Boy Sets Fire - Krome Sat 4/5 - Dan Bern & the IJBC - The Saint Thur 4/10 - OK Go, Spiraling - Birch Hill Thur 4/10 - Matt Sharp of The Rentals & Weezer - Maxwell’s Fri 4/11 - Rusted Root - Birch Hill Fri 4/11 - Slightly Stoopid, Pepper - Stone Pony Fri 4/11 - Mustard Plug, Too Short Notice - Birch Hill Sat 4/12 - Martin Sexton - Pollak Auditorium, Monmouth University
Tuesday, April 8th RU Jazz Band 6:45-9:45 pm, NJC Lounge, DCC Sponsored by DAB - FREE!