This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
Rutgers Entertainment Weekly Volume XXXVIII - Issue XX
ESTABLISHED 1970
www.themedium.net
$1.50
Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008
McCORMICK TO CUT 800 MORE CLASSES LOW ATTENDANCE:WARM WEATHER TO BLAME JOHN BENDER CONTRIBUTING WRITER
Rutgers University Academics suffered a crippling blow today as President Richard McCormick announced that 800 more classes will be cut resulting in the layoffs of 100 “very overworked” professors. “This new round of cuts comes as a last resort choice on my part,” said McCormick in a press conference held on Monday, “the classes that were cut were suffering from low attendance rates, probably due to the warm weather. Although warmer, nicer weather has a noted impact on attendance, there still was some concern over which specific classes were cut. “The terminated classes were mostly philosophy and economics courses, oh and by the way, we are no longer offering majors in philosophy, business, economics or finance because there are not enough credits available to meet the minimum requirements,” said Richard. Rutgers used to have a top-notch philosophy department but it has now been completely dismantled and merged with the Religion department as they both fo-
Artist’s depiction of the Pine Barrens after the completion of Coach Shiano’s multi-million dollar mansion. cus primarily on bullshit. In what the administration claims as an “unrelated item” a provision for football coach Greg Schiano’s new-new mansion has been added to next year’s budget because of recently freed up funds. This newnew mansion will actually be built in Southern New Jersey and will require the complete deforestation of
the Pine Barrens, an ecological preserve that the State government recently sold to combat the current fiscal crisis. When asked about the damages to the wildlife, Schiano said, “You didn’t mind when we plowed over the environmentally protected land for Schiano Mansion Home One.” When asked about
“The Weekly of”
his decision to sell the development rights to the Pine Barrens, Governor John Corzine held a press conference where he answered every question with “Fuck all y’all! You bitches didn’t have a plan of your own!” and, “If a better plan comes along, it’ll be when a inority becomes the President! Let’s see you protestors make balloons out of that!”
The Rutgers 1000, an anti-sports spending group, could not be reached for a comment as the 100 professors fired were members of the group which is now called the Rutgers 900 which is a “totally gay” group name according to McCormick.
THE MEDIUM
US & WORLD NEWS
Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008
“5 centimeters per second: the speed that my mood fell after I saw that movie. God was it depressing.”
SALVATION AIRFORCE FORMED DESIGNED TO CATER EXCLUSIVELY TO THE NATION’S “SKY-HOBOS”
CAL EN STAFF WRITER
FOREST HILLS, KENTUCKY – Salvation Army Headquarters this week announced the formation of a separate branch to handle donations in the sky. After more than a century of catering exclusively to the ground-based destitute, the Salvation Army has decided to form a new decision to help the growing amount of so-called “sky-hobos”, homeless people that live in the sky. “Those people that require assistance, but do not live on the ground no longer need to fear,” proclaimed General Show Clifton, current leader of the Salvation army. “We are here for you, and will provide you support equal in quality to those who live on the ground.” Ever since the Wright Brothers made the first powered flight in 1903, the number of homeless
people living in the skies has increased exponentially every year, reaching an unprecidented 10,000,000 in 2007. Although the Salvation Army is world-renown for its charitable acts, it has fallen under some critism in recent years for failing to help in any sufficient manner to deal with the rising sky-hobo population. In the 1950’s, the Salvation Army leased several surplus artillery pieces from the US army, for the purpose of shooting aid at sky-hobos, but was deemed too dangerous and inefficient and was abandoned. However, due to recent advances in VTOL (Vertical Take-Off and Landing) technology, the Salvation Army has been able to take its fight against homelessness to the skies. “Thanks to Airbus, who won the bidding war to provide the Salvation Army with airplanes, the
Top: One of the millions of sky-hobos that dot the sky, who will finally be receiving aid, in the form of the Salvation Airforce. Bottom: the proposed new logo. Salvation Airforce will take to the skys and help any and all sky-hobos in need.” said Clifton, reitierating his pleasure with the Salvation Army’s new plan. Although many be-
SPRING 2008 CONTEST WINNERS The last time I wrote this article, I forgot that you shouldn’t put someone’s full name and email adress in a widely-circulated paper. So, if you will please fogive me that would be cool. Also, several winners didn’t come by to pick up their prizes, which is a damned shame. However, I believe the original rules stated that you guys had like two weeks to do that, so I’m going to print the names of those that still haven’t picked up their books, sans email address. This is your last week people, so this your last chance to
pick up your books. They’re pretty sweet, and signed and shit, so it’s probably in your best interest to pick them up. At the very least, you could use them as a gift for someone. You might have forgotten where and when the meetings are. Don’t worry! I’ll help you out. They’re at 9:00pm in room 119 of the Livingston Student Center. Well, we look forward to you coming by to pick up your book, also we look forward to whomever wants to come in for a meeting, to see how the Medium works. It’s fun, I promise.
CONTENTS
Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8
World News Features Opinions Arts Personals Personals Whats Shakin’
Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12
Timmy Wants A Tug
Cover by: The Amazing Cheese Grater Boy
lieve this is a step in the right direction for the Salvation Army, many beleive that there is a third and oft forgotten frontier: the seas. “Fact: the Earth is 75% water, so it should logically follow that there are three times as THE LIST:
many homeless on the open seas than on land,” said George Weinburg, homelessperson activist, “the world needs a Salvation Navy.”
Alyssa Cocchiara Isabel Alvarado Jarred Weingand Gregory Kassee
B Malloy Jeremy Schiff Michael Berry WEATHER OR NOT Today Tonight
Brawl Seriously, Brawl.
Thursday Flaming Starfish in the Sky Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Opinions Editor News Editor Features Editor Arts Editor Faculty Advisor
Ryan Barton Paul Winters Gary Klimowicz Supersex Fantastic Kah-Lai Colin Fong Tim Horton’s Al P. Barbara Reed
Friday NEW CHALLENGER
?
Personals Editors Dave Imbriaco Corey Fineman Photographer Alison Fisher What’s Shakin’ Editor Paul Winters Online Editor Sarena Mamlok Staff Artist Al P. Senior Editor Helen Ortiz
THE MEDIUM is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. All articles are the opinions of the authors and are not necessarily shared by THE MEDIUM. Submission and business deadline is never o’clock. The office of THE MEDIUM is CAC Student Center Room 439. All correspondence may be addressed to THE MEDIUM. This issue is dedicated to being in detention for the rest of your natural born life.
Wedhumpday, April 1stgotchabitch!2008
FEATURES
“Fuck, why does my pussy smell delicious?”
THE MEDIUM
Pablo Jose’s 5-Star Success System For Eliminating the Busch Commuter “C” Bus By Pablo Jose
1. Less Money Spent on a Bus driver, Meter Maid
other campus has a shuttle to and from a parking lot, yet we all pay the same for a parking pass.
Why build a parking lot far away from all the classrooms, then pay a driver to shuttle people to the classrooms? This seems counter productive. Surely it must cost less to maintain a parking lot than to pay a yearly salary and medical benefits. There is plenty of room near the campus buildings to create parking for students. Every other square inch of campus was paved over lest a faculty member walk more than 15 feet to their destination.
5. Generate More Income For Businesses at the Busch Student Center
These losers and their retarded hippie bus are almost as useless as the C bus.
2. Less Gas Used by A and H busses, No Gas grading the parking lots. for C Less Standing With ludicrously 3. high gas prices with no end Around in Cold/Heat/ in sight to increasing costs, Rain For Students eliminating a bus that loops around in a circle all day 5 days a week would create a substantial savings. Pass these savings onto up-
den on University health care facilities. Also, keeping them in good health by not subjecting them to inclement weather is better for business because dead students don’t pay tuition.
This is self-explanatory. Less students standing around catching illnesses like flu and heat 4. Busch Students Save stroke will be less of a bur- Time, Gain Equal
Convenience Eliminating the commuter shuttle is not giving an unfair or unnecessary advantage to Busch students. Quite the contrary, it is giving them the same convenience that all other students at the other campuses currently enjoy. No
Currently, parking in the usually empty lot across from the Busch student center when the 6 or so metered spots are taken will get you fined. When you get the fine, you get emails, letters in the mail, and the citation on your windshield. Rutgers is very efficient and thorough when they want something. They badger you in every way possible, under threat of withdrawing you from school, for a measly 20 dollars: all because you wanted a cheeseburger and small fries from the dollar menu at Burger King. I’m sure the food court businesses would like to know their customers are being discouraged from dining there.
5 Songs to Play so She’ll Know She’s Just a One Night Stand By Agent Orange
We’ve all been there: horny, drunk, and horny. Fuck friends with benefits, fuck girlfriends, and fuck sticking with just one person. But how do you let her know this? If you’re like me, you’ll kick her ass out of bed as soon as you cum, but apparently this doesn’t sit well with a lot of people. If you’re too much of a pussy to tell her point blank, then try playing these songs. If she doesn’t get the hint, then take my advice and splooge in her eyes.
1. “Babe, I’m Gonna Leave You”- Led Zeppelin I recommend playing this seemingly innocuous track early in the evening since she’ll be dripping from Robert Plant’s lusty vocals before it’s over. She’s probably too drunk anyway to pick up on the subtley.
2. “Get Off Of My 3. “Don’t Come have to dutch oven her. Cloud”- The Rolling Around Here No Stones More”- Tom Petty and 4. “You’re Gonna Miss Me”- 13th Floor El“Don’t hang around the Heartbreakers cuz two’s a crowd” is pretty The lyric “don’t evators self-explanatory. Plus the chorus is so catchy you’ll be shouting it in her face. Just make sure she blows you first.
This classic is one of those you’ve heard but never you never knew who did it, so revel in screaming along “Oh yeah!” as your chud babies stain her fake designer skirt.
“I gave you the warncome around here no ing” is an honest enough more” is repeated so much 5. “I Ain’t the One”that if she doesn’t get it statement coming from a Skynyrd from this song, you might skeevy scumbag like you. Lynyrd
N.W.A
The most obvious on the list, a ruthless N-I double G A like you is only down for screwing. She should have caught on by now that she’s just a one night stand. In fact, if she’s still around you might want to milk her for all she’s worth. Yes, you heard me right- milk her titties like the fat cow she is.
Editor’s note: I promise you all that these are surefire ways to get rid of that rankass bitch. Trust me, I know- I wrote the article, sluts.
OPINIONS
THE MEDIUM
Wednesday, april 2nd 2008
Echo sounding satellite altimetry.
Rutger’s Anti-Iraq War Walk-Out an Epic Failure By: Maverick
Seriously, someone has to say it. The walk out was completely pointless. What did we accomplish? Nothing! It had no effect other than killing traffic. I mean come on, do we need to be told? How many people do you encounter actually say “Really, there is a war going on in Iraq? I didn’t know that. And college students at Rutgers are against this? Wow, that sure is news to me.” Since most major issues that warrant rallies are quite well known anyways, they end up being massive feel-good exercises. Everbody already knows about the Iraq War, over 70% of the country is against it, and most of NJ is against it. Hell, I’m against it! Besides, it was the president and the congress that took us into Iraq, not McCormick and RU. But it sure did make the participants feel good. Probably deluded them even further then they already are, saying such things like “We can’t tke it anymore!
Students can end this war!” Students did not send the troops into Iraq, the government did. Students can’t do anything special, but citizens can! Contrary to popular belief, students have no extraordinary power that voting age citizens don’t have. As voting-age citizens we have the ability to confront and hound are congresssional representatives and senators, which delegates their decisions. This is called “petitioning” children. Sounds hard, right? Yes it is, too hard for those lazy hippies of RAW to try and deal with. A few deluded, potsmoking, far-left students marching around their university waving peace signs won’t do anything either. bandwagon activists don’t accomplish A THING. It wasn’t bad enough that the marchers were wasting their time trekking around New Brunswick waving signs and screaming disillusioned chants, they
had to take it a step further. They had to sit in the middle of an intersection for five minutes giving the peace sign. WOW. Just wow. I’m sorry (not really) but you guys officially crossed the line between bandwagon activists and dirty hippies. No one needs a bunch of idiot students sitting in an important intersectin for five minutes with each having two fingers up like dirty, showboating hippies. All that (and taking over route 18) accomplished was to grind traffic to a dead halt. The rippleeffect of your actions was so immense that the ripples collide with each other in a disastrous mess that can only be described as fucking ridiculous. This only pissed off people who are already against the war. As if all that wasn’t enough the hppies sat in front of an Exxon gas station and chanted “Exxon Mobil, BP, Shell, take your
Losers of C-Town Anger an Assumingly-Attractive Female Student By: Raina Defonza Comments by Supersex Fantastic So I read The Medium for the first time today. I love it. Absolutely love it. Serious kudos.
touched, grabbed, pinched Amen. and tickled more times than I do not want or need I care to remember. your judgement on my ass, They have support thanks. As you should... clinics for that... I’m sick of this Well, enough of that. I’ve had things said bullshit. I’m not a piece of On to the rage. I have a rant to me, such as, “Hey mama! meat and I’m not there for of my own to share with Keep eatin’ that fried chick- you to ogle while you stand you. Being a female in this en and cornbread for me!” on the street corner, chuggin god awful city called New What the fuck? down that welfare check. Brunswick, I am subjected What do you mean, It’s a disability check to more fucking cat calls that line doesn’t work on thank you very much. than a pussy cat in heat. women? And all of this And here’s a mesWhen I walk down time I thought it did... sage to the guy in front of the street, it’s like open seaFirst of all, I’ll be Starbucks who felt it was son for the fucking losers doing nothing for you. Sec- ok to slap my ass with his who hang out in front of ond, I’m a vegetarian, and nasty ass, wet hand, leaving C-town at noon. Don’t you seeing your disgusting self a nasty ass, wet handprint: It have a job, asshole? hardly leaves me hankering was NOT ok. Their job is to guard for meat of any kind. I’m assuming that
C-Town.
Especially
penis you must be somewhat good looking for these men to ogle you as much and as often as they do. So take it as a compliment, and just carry some pepper spray for defense. And a gun..
Or were you just meat. sent to this planet to be an Third, I do believe obnoxious leech on soci- with that remark that you’re ety? implying that I have “junk The answer is E. All in the trunk,” which in white of the above. girl talk means I have a fat I’ve been slapped, ass.
war and go to hell!” Give Kumar Patel and Mohan Bakshi a break, the Indian gas attendants have nothing to do with the criminal actions of their corporate employers. If the owners of Exxon saw that they would probably be laughing and relieved that these fools are going after a gas station and not their board room. Idiots! And finally, when the hppies took over route 18 they chanted “We are unstoppable, another world is possible.” Yeah, sorry, deluded is the only word to describe them. Of course you were unstoppable, nobody stops you when you are going nowhere. As for the other world, what would make that world possible? There were only about three-hundred students, faculty, and New Brunswick residents at the walk out. That means there were less than threehundred students that participated. Out of a number that
hovers around forty-thousand, the turnout was dismal in retrospect. If you want significant chnge then you must be in it for the long haul and ready for a tough fight. There is no need for rallies. to end it, these masses need to be directed at all the politicians who are already hated. The low approval ratings must be seized upon and exploited. Rallies are not necessary, been there, done that. It is about time that people learn that being a dirty, bandwagon hippie activist will not accomplish anything productive or useful.
I WANT YOU YOUR OPINIONS, SERIOUSLY: If you or someone you know is suffering from any of the following symptoms please refer them to my email ASAP: -Increased gambling or sexual urges -Rash or unusual swelling -Heartburn/nausea -Sensitivity to light -Sudden blindness -An erection lasting longer than 6 hours WRITE TO ME: OPINIONS@THEMEDIUM.NET Loyal and intelligent readers of the Medium: Rant to me about things that anger you, or arouse you. Stop being lazy pricks, I know you got issues.
Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008
ARTS “I Popped a zit on my head.....it’s bleeding...”
THE MEDIUM
PreASStoric Dino-Dong Picture Hunt By Meat Head Sandwich
Can You Find: + Tyrannesaurus Sex + A Drumsticka Chikkun + A flaming ASSteroid +Some crotch Caves +Wilma From the Flinstones + A pair of fASSils + A Conch shell + A Glass Ganja pipe + A lil gnome + A dolla Bill + A Ghost + A Toothbrush +Gonzo + A pussy (CAT) + A Condom + Dinosaur fruit Snax + Baby bop getting plowed by Blastoise + Barney and his blunt + A dickosaurus + A vaginal eruption causing corruption + Reptar + Yoshi + Other assorted naughty bits for all you prehistoric perverts
THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS
“Everybody likes balls. They sure do Dave, they sure do.”
B O N E R ! ! ! To that dumb giggling cunt in my econ class: why the fuck (Ahh...good ol’ bon- would you laugh out loud er. Alway’s a hit. That’s over the fact that no one in also what she said.) the room is going to get social security money? You Dear brain: stop acting so clearly have never held a sluggish. I can’t get any fuck- day job. Fuck you. How dare ing work done when you act you laugh at our misfortune. like this. I have fucking calc to do as well as a (Yeah, that’s my job) lab report and you’re just shitting on me here. Acey Street: thanks for ruining my keyboard. I’m not (You know what’s good even being sarcastic or angry for the brain? Hard li- here. I was looking for a quor and pot. That should reason to throw out that keystraighten things right out.) board from freshman year. There was a groove in the Ok, this is going to sound spacebar from where I hit it racist here, but I’m fucking with my thumb, and the keys tired of not being able to were pretty shitty. This land any engineering intern- new quiet keyboard ships for the summer be- makes so much less cause I’m losing the spots to noise and has so many Asians and Indians who fun buttons. Look! I can immigrated over here, program porn sites to difspeak terrible Eng- ferent favorite keys on this lish, but can do math thing. Thanks again sweetie. and science really well. You know why the fucking job market is in the tank? Because corporate fucktards are greedy and want money, so they outsource work to India and China and don’t fucking employ Americans. All the jobs are being outsourced so the unemployment rate is up. Asians and Indians need to just sit at their native homes and wait for us to outsource the jobs to them, and not come here and take my fucking i n t e r n s h i p / j o b upon graduating. (You have offended the two minorities that actually read this paper. Three if you count the one that got halfway through the personal then got bored. Great job!) What’s the derivative of fuck with respect to u? (
f
c
k
?
)
Dear BB: I have a confession to make: I was reading your texts over your shoulder. It’s not like I really gained much out of it, in fact it made me feel somewhat uncomfortable and I regret doing it. I won’t repeat what was said, but all I can say is I’m very glad that you and the person on the other end are in a healthy relationship. A lesson well learned. On Thursday, I went to Burger King on Busch and got a cheeseburger, chicken fries, and normal fries. For dinner on Thursday, I went to Wendy’s and got a double cheeseburger, chicken nuggets, and fries. I’m a fucking health-machine. (You ever watch Supersize Me? Just because you saw it on your TV doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.)
Wednesday, April 2nd 2008
To all Rutgers students: Stop using the internet from 8:00 PM - 1:00 AM. I can’t get work done because nothing loads. (I’m guessing the only load that actually does come is... well that was dirty enough actually, I’m sure you know where I was going with that.) But there’s no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of cake. And the Science gets done. And you make a neat gun. For the people who are still alive. Here’s to another summer of being called a Stunod and mowing lawns in my hometown vs. getting a job that leads anywhere. That job is about as dead end as the streets with grass in the culdasacks that I’ll have to cut.
(Considering the window is near the floor, and the window was open at an angle, that’s an impressive throw. Ah fuck, I gave away that I wrote that one. My bad.) To the families that live in Nichols that have screaming children: beat them with a sock filled with quarters. There is no reason why everyone in the Richardson/Nichols area should have to hear shouting children while we’re getting work done. Seriously, shouldn’t they be reading or something? I know this is going back to middle school for most of the readers here, but you know the songs Responsibility by MXPX and Motivation by Sum 41? They are the same fucking song! (Confession time: Right Now by SR-71 is still kinda rockin’ in my book. Maybe I yearn to hang out with middle schoolers again. Wait, no, that came out wrong.)
So I finally beat Bioshock. Isn’t that a fun story? No, no it isn’t. Send in shit to us, no matter how unfunny it is! Any content is better than none. In case you havn’t been paying attention, send your stuff over to personals@themedium.net. As we keep saying, we put in EVERYTHING. We keep getting ads for penis enlargement, but if you check your inbox, I’m sure you’re tired of reading about it. Also, it’s never too late to come to a meeting! Wednesdays, at 9:15 PM in LSC Room 113.
Anyone who comes into the bathroom as I’m trying to take a piss is throwing off my pee-game. Not Anyone want to play Smash like peeing is a game, but or something? Well I sure you know what I mean. as shit aren’t going to put my friend code on here. There are copies of The Me- Come to a meeting so we dium, The Centurion, The can exchange numbers. Targum, and The Review Not like the Wii internet lying on the bathroom floor play is good enough so I in the upstairs bathroom on could even talk to you over College Ave. Toilet humor! it. Fucking terrible system.
To that dude who threw the banana into my materials class from outside on Wednesday, March 26 around 3:42: good throw! It hit the ceiling more than halfway into the class than hit some girl in the back of the head. You should go into some sort of baseball league. The professor wasn’t even angry or anything, he was actually pretty a m a z e d .
Hey facebook: your feature for people I may know sucks dick. I don’t want to befriend assholes from my high school that I’ve ignored for years. That’s why I’m not friends with them.
Hey did you guys hear about the guy who did that thing? No? It was totally awesome. He was all like, “Bahhhhh!” It was great. I guess you really had to be there.
Here everyone, this is how you make a personal: To <person>, I hate you. You’re such a(n) <exploitive> <explotive> <noun>. Why do you continue to be a <noun>? If you don’t stop, I’m going to <adverb> your <noun> with my <noun> so <adjective> it’ll make your <noun> <verb>. Fuck you.
Free drinks will not keep me at (Yeah, they’re dirty bastards. The Olive Branch. Too many End of thought experiment.) retards for my liking there.
(There. Now all you have to do is fill that out like an ad-lib. Enjoy!)
It’s amazing how my pants can get so dirty after one day of wearing them. Kinda makes you think about the people who only wear one pair of pants over the span of a week.
Mittwoch Abril 2, 2008 Anyone else ever wonder why the rutgers review is still in shitty existence when Inside Beat is exactly the same only a bajillion times b e t t e r ? (Personally, I think they both suck a lot of ass, but those emo fags at the Review are a special case.) PJ you muthafuck I’m not doing what’s shakin for your lazy ass
PERSONALS
“I actually know one girl who doesn’t like putting balls in her mouth. It’s sad.” Seriously, why does the Cen- Ok my girlfriend seriously turion exist? Since when are needs to either let her puconservative people funny? bes grow out or shave it clean. When I fuck her (They aren’t, dumbass) raw it rips up my cock. Fish fuck baby! I’m gonn fuck you with a fish!
(Are the
(GWAR
monkey!
It wouldn’t be a regular Medium without a reference to Dr. Rockso, so here it is!
(I’m bringing it back!)
(I DO CO-CAAAAA-IIINE!)
B
You
FTW!)
Porch
A
L
L
S
!
My balls are huge. I just thought the world should know that
too,
(Just stick your dick in her mouth. It’s a win-win situation, except in the likely event that she gives you herpes, then you’re screwed no matter which way you spin it. Fuckin’ skanks!) The “My New Haircut” thing is fucking gay. Stop quoting it, people.
suck.
No, seriously people, why are my nuts so big?
man)
To the dumb sorostitute in my Old Testament class: why did you start speaking again? It was so nice not to hear your god damn stupid mouth oozing out idiocy and semen from the 12 guys you suck off before class. Go back to shutting the fuck up, please!!!!
really
it isn’t sores?)
Got extra time on your hands? Have anything you’d like to have printed here in the Medium?
This girl told me last night that I was huge. The reality is that she only fucks guy with small dicks. Sucks for her. (You
you sure herpes
THE MEDIUM
(Sucks
to
be
her.)
To my ex-girlfriend: you’re a bitch. Love, ex-boyfriend. I have officially torpedoed relationships with two of my friends this school year by fucking them while intoxicated. What makes it even more awesome is that they then continue fuck me afterwards. I rule. ( A s s h o l e . . . . )
Why won’t Jamie Lynn Spears have a fucking abortion?
DUDE! Last night was so awesome I fucking crapped my pants! I have no idea what happened because I’m a dumb, drunk Slutgers girl but that’s ok!
(Wow, good
actually a question...)
Insert random expletive or racial slur here.
She burped and she farted and she shit on the floor and the wind from her ass blew the cat out the door. Rat shit bat shit dirty old To the greasy haired, twat, 69 assholes tied in a chubby handed sonov- knot. Hooray lizard shit fuck! abitch who wont go away. You’re a dumbassed (This is what happens socially inept stooge who when no one submits shit.) spits everywhere. When you arent around we talk almost as I love it how everyone in much shit as we do to my class just collectively your face. Take a hint, decided to stop listening and stay on Livingston. to everything this dumb
How many newspapers do you read that have pictures of O RLY owls and an elephant taking a crap on the same page? Don’t you feel special to be holding this in your hands?
bitch says and just pre(And you suck at speak- tend that she doesn’t exing English, retard.) ist. It’s great. Even the frat boy hates her too. P e n i s .
(I do :-). else should
Everyone as well.)
I love me. I love me all the time. I can’t love me more than twice an hour. When I love me I make a mess. (My guess is you don’t get loved by anyone else. You seriously need to find someone to jerk you off for you.)
(That’s how you know when someone is really stupid, when frat boys ignore them.)
Mother fucking cock balls!
To the girl I was talking to at the NSCS thing: how did you know that my friend and I were fucking each other?
I know a girl who found out her boyfriend was cheating on her so she gave him head and spit all his jizz in his face. If that’s not justice, I don’t know what is.
(She was probably giving you a hand job under the table, like in The Wedding Crashers.) Günther for Rutgersfest! (Oh man, LY second
I TOTALthat one!)
Dude, people who are into
(I’m not one to advocate phallic disfiguring, but I think it would have been funnier if she bit his dick. There’s no way he’d forget about THAT.) Wow, I actually know someone who bit a guy’s dick at a roller rink. That’s what he gets for choking her.
Send me delicious personals to personals@themedium.net! Or come horses are fucking weird. to our meeting at 9:15 on Wednesday night at the Livingston Stu- Horses have huge dicks, dent Center room 113. The owls will eat you if you don’t come... too. Mine is bigger though. (Way to end this week’s page.)
THE MEDIUM
EVENTS
Wednesday, April 4th, 2008
“Events in German is Eventsdeutch.”
ON CAMPUS • Friday, April 4th 2008 - 1st Annual Take My Cheating Wife to Get an Abortion Day Skelley Field, Cook Campus. Hey guys! Is your wife a cheating slut? Is she banging the FedEx guy? Is she showing, even though you are shooting blanks? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, and don’t feel like killing her and yourself, come to this information session. • Saturday, April 9th 2008 - Ancient European Religion’s Impact on Early Serf Celebrations of Quasi-Pagan Horse Farming Culture: Q & A Session - Livingston Student Center Atrium. Many topics will be talked about, one of them being the purposeful poisoning of powerful people in puritanian Poland, and how Lemony Snickets totally ripped off every other kids movie.
WHAT I READ
WHAT OTHERS READ
OFF CAMPUS • Monday, April 11th 2008 - America’s Got Dancing and Singing with Bachelor Island on Ice - Madison Square Garden, NYC. Blah blah blah this sucks blah blah. If anyone has events for this section send them to events@themedium.net. • Tuesday, April 14th 2008 - Can You Get Pregnant From Swallowing? and Other Dumb Questions - Middlesex County Library - The internet can teach us a lot, and unfortunately can teach us a lot of dumb shit. Come to learn about real truth behind fake stuff.
Come to A Medium Meeting, It’s Not too Late! Livingston Student Center Room 113, 9pm every Wednesday
YOUTUBE VIDEO OF THE WEEK http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHUAsTrl4JI